Episode 3:11. As it's one of my least favorite bands of all time, I should have known it wouldn't have been one of my beloved episodes, either. Also, this whole "Great" campaign that the WB's running? It really makes the show sound kind of blah, doesn't it? Dot, dot, dot -- GREAT -- dot, dot, dot. All of those publications, and they can only get the same adjective out of all of them? That's a damn shame.
Previously: Francie is a Heather. Sookie and Lorelai are going to start an inn. Remember? Think back, back, back! Francie and Rory aren't friends.
We start at Emily's Friday-night dinner. The maid answers the door and takes Lorelai's and Rory's coats. In the room, Emily can be heard yelling on the phone. Lorelai makes a joke to the housekeeper, who doesn't understand humor.
Emily is outraged. It seems that her former housekeeper wants an apology for the way Emily treated her. Emily called her a stompy, clompy mess, it seems. "Oh, I see. Because I want things a certain way, I'm unreasonable," Emily says. Lorelai quietly tries to pour herself a glass of wine as Emily gets even more outraged. Emily demands the document in question to be faxed to her house immediately. She says that tomorrow morning is an unacceptable amount of time to wait for a piece of paper: "It's unacceptable because I'm paying you three hundred dollars an hour." Emily tells her lawyer to turn his car around, go back to his office, and have his wife videotape his daughter's recital tonight. Lorelai quietly asks if she can ask the lawyer to pick up some ice cream as well. Remember that joke, because they'll use it again later.
Emily hangs up on her lawyer, mumbling, "Unbelievable." Rory and Lorelai say hello. A startled Emily asks when they got there. "Somewhere between the second 'absurd' and the third 'unbelievable,'" Lorelai answers. Emily apologizes. Lorelai pesters Emily to spill the story until Emily begs her to stop making her say the word "peeved." She explains that her lawyer was on the phone, informing her that her former housekeeper is suing for wrongful termination. Lorelai makes a tiny, interested noise. Emily remarks that Lorelai could at least seem surprised. "It's not the first time, is it?" Lorelai asks. Emily says that it most certainly is. Lorelai: "Well, then I'm surprised." Emily adds a little more exposition here, letting us know that Richard's in London helping Trix move out of her flat. Looks like Trix really is moving to Hartford. Rory asks which maid is suing her. "Gerta, the one from Hamburg," Emily drolls. This prompts the Hamburger Helper and German jokes a-plenty. "She was the clomper," Emily explains. When Gerta made the beds, it sounded like a "Munich beer hall rally." Lorelai can't believe that Emily fired someone because she made noises when she walked. She asks if Gerta was a good maid except for that one thing. Emily freaks out, y'all, and gives the longest speech ever about how she pays more than anyone else pays for hired help (I don't know how she'd know that), and she demands to get the service she's paying for. That means that if she wants her housekeeper to be quiet, she'd better be quiet, or Emily will pay someone who is quiet instead. If you pay for First Class but they put you in Coach, everyone expects you to complain, you aren't called demanding or unreasonable. But now this woman's calling her unfair. "Well, then so be it," she says. "Let someone else pay for First Class and ride in Steerage. Not me." So much for comedy in this opening teaser, huh? The current housekeeper, Brooke, informs Emily that dinner is ready. Emily makes the girls listen to how quiet this current housekeeper walks. And, um...opening credits. That's okay. I can laugh later. I'll wait. No, it was a good four minutes well spent.
Why bother with these establishing shots, if they're going to look so lame? Really. There's a picture of Independence Inn here, and someone's Photoshopped some white dots on it to look like snow. It looks like an animatronic Rudolph is about to trot jerkily across the lawn. Sookie is screaming at Jackson; nearby, Lorelai is listening in full giggles, enjoying a cup of coffee. Sookie is unhappy with what Jackson has brought her kitchen this week. Michel enters the kitchen, upset that Lorelai didn't call him as soon as the bickering began. Sookie and Jackson scream at each other for a little while about how Jackson doesn't bring what Sookie asks him to bring. Jackson says the Brussels sprouts weren't good enough, so he brought some other kind of fancy vegetable instead. Sookie asks why he always does this to her. Jackson asks why it doesn't mean anything to her that he'd suffer through this argument because he cares so much about the quality of the produce. Sookie calls Jackson "Super Jackson and his Atomic Pea Tendrils." The fighting goes on and on until they decide its over, at which point they kiss and coo that they'll see each other at home. Lorelai cheers that the fight always ends the same way. Do you guys find this endearing? I wonder if even a single day goes by when Jackson and Sookie aren't fighting. I wish we got to see them be in love every once in a while.
Michel and Lorelai go through some unimportant hotel chatter (like how Michel will have to show some inspector around because she's busy tomorrow. Is tomorrow Sunday? Why's an inspector coming on a Sunday?) to get us to remember that Lorelai and Sookie are planning on starting their own inn, and are taking a weekend class in hotel management at the Learning Center. "How to run an inn!" Lorelai cheers. "Yes, it's amazing you've been able to fake it so long," Michel says. Lorelai reminds us all that this class is for people who want to open small hotels and B&Bs. This delights Michel tremendously, since Lorelai and Sookie are basically taking a rip-off Sally Struthers-like class "at a Radisson." Hee. Sookie runs up and adds that Jackson's taken many Learning Center courses and loves them. He took a course in beekeeping once, but it turned out that he was allergic. A bee stung him and his lip swelled up and his head swelled up to three times its normal size. Michel asks for photographs. Sookie says that Jackson took a class in how to buy foreclosed real estate (foreshadowing!) and how to write a diary. "He's a searcher," Sookie says. Michel predicts that tomorrow will be a complete waste of time and money. He says he can't wait to laugh at them when they return. As he walks away, Lorelai thanks him for his support. Lorelai asks Sookie for the pictures of Jackson's giant head. Sookie promises to bring them tomorrow.
Hee. The establishing shot of Chilton with all this Photoshopped snow makes it look like Hogwarts On Ice. Rory walks into the empty Student Council Classroom (since that seems to be its only purpose) and says hello to Paris. Paris is looking through the write-in votes for commencement speaker. She asks if the ones for Princess Diana's butler are jokes or real. Rory guesses that they're jokes, but that the ones for Dr. Phil are probably real. Paris says she knew the suggestion box was a bad idea: "Watch Choate get Joan Didion while we're being read Eloise at the Plaza." Rory asks what they're going to do about the prom coup Francie staged last week. "Why does one pinhead always have to vote for Jerry Garcia?" Paris wonders. Ha. Paris calmly explains that she already took care of everything with regard to the prom, called the Wadsworth Mansion in question, and got them to knock down the asking price by half (since "most of those biddies couldn't negotiate an icy sidewalk"). This ensures both that "Ginger Spice can have her Barbie Dream Prom" and that a telescope will be the senior class gift. Rory complains about Francie. Paris says that any loser can call a meeting, but it's "that loser Mr. Hunter" who's the real problem. I totally agree with Paris, here. ["Me too, and so does my sister, for what it's worth." -- Wing Chun] What a shitty advisor to let that coup happen. "He's been jealous of me since I got into office," Paris explains. Apparently, every time Paris announces that she has a new subject to introduce, he flinches. She thinks it's creepy that he's scared of her. Francie walks in and bitches a hello. "That girl bugs me," Rory moans. Paris tells Rory to relax: "She's harmless." Mr. Hunter walks in at this point and says hello to the girls. "Bed-wetter," Paris quietly snaps back.
The girls sit and call the meeting to order. Paris apologizes for missing the "somewhat impromptu" meeting. She explains that the entire meeting was rather strange, since it was a supplementary meeting -- a meeting of the kind Paris created, so it seems strange that there would have even been such a meeting without her. She calls it "mutinous, insulting, and underhanded." She also adds that it was fruitless, since she's already taken care of all the mess it created. Paris calls Mr. Hunter "Mr. Christian." He stammers in confusion. Francie gives a speech about what Health Week is and how suddenly Chilton is All About Health. Blah blah blah, Rory won't let Francie have the cafeteria for the blood drive, just because. Even Paris is like, "What's the problem?" But Rory's being stubborn, and won't let Francie have something she wants. Paris tells Francie (I didn't get the Paris, France thing until you did, Wing ["heh" -- Wing Chun]) to find another place. I do wonder why Rory hasn't even mentioned to Paris what was going on with Francie. Who's it helping to keep it quiet? Shouldn't they both be aware of what's happening to thwart all of Francie's future coup attempts? Whatever. Aren't we all sick of this subplot? It's not fun. I said it in the recaplet, but there's nothing at stake here, and it makes for boring television. Even if Rory was kicked off the student council, she's already made her college applications. It won't make a difference at all. Anyway, Fraulein screams her ass off when Francie says the word "blood," so that they can add a scream in the commercials for this episode. Apparently, Fraulein is afraid of the word "blood" and can't stand hearing about it. Eh. Mr. Hunter, maybe this would be a good time to establish some order in the classroom. No? Well, never mind. Go have a smoke break. Even the actors in the scene are like, "This scene is lame. Let's say everything as fast as we can and get it over with." This scene just fades out with Rory and Francie sharing hate glares.
Gilmore home. Lorelai has brought home dinner. Rory appears to be flipping through some CDs. Lorelai explains that it was International Grab Bag Night at Al's Pancake World. I guess you just pick a bag and eat what's inside. So much quirk for one episode, huh? Rory grabs a bag and hopes for Moroccan. Apparently that's what she always hopes for, but it never is. Rory takes the food to the kitchen while Lorelai checks the answering machine. I guess Rory never checked it? Moving on. It's Emily's lawyer, and he wants Lorelai to give a deposition on Emily's behalf. Lorelai starts moaning the word "No" over and over again until Emily answers the phone. "No!" Lorelai shouts as a hello. Emily asks who it is. Lorelai says she's not giving a deposition. Emily says Lorelai's just going to let some "lead-footed, Teutonic chambermaid" drag her mother's name through the dirt. Gerta's lawyer knows they asked for this deposition, so Lorelai has to do it now or it'll look bad. Lorelai says this is none of her business, and anyway she doesn't see how they're going to find twelve people in the state of Connecticut who haven't been fired by Emily. Emily says she can't believe her own daughter won't come to her defense. Lorelai says she's not going to lie for her. Emily says that Lorelai just has to say that she treats her maids fairly. "I'm not gonna lie for you," Lorelai says two more times. Emily barks that there is a thing called family loyalty, and that when someone is in trouble you're supposed to help them. She reminds Lorelai that she's helped her out many times over the years, and that the least Lorelai could do is spend thirty minutes saying nice things about her mother. Lorelai sighs, "Fine." "Thank you," Emily says. "Your devotion is touching." Lorelai pouts to Rory that she has to give a deposition. Rory pouts that her food isn't Moroccan. They decide the food is too horrible to eat, and go to Luke's. I envy their disposable income.
Hee. Snowy building establishing shot looks like something out of Saturday Night Live. The Jack in the Box guy drones on and on about hotel stuff. Lorelai is attentively taking notes, but Sookie's bored off her ass. She and Lorelai just start talking right there in the middle of the classroom about how bored Sookie is. He apparently hasn't said a thing that's not common sense yet. Sookie says she's getting hostile and insecure. Lorelai pops her hands up from under the table and says, "Pick a color!" She's got a cootie catcher in her hands. (Back at my school, we called them Fortune Tellers.) Sookie picks pink because she's a girl. Lorelai does that origami finger flop that we girls know in our genes. Sookie picks "Five." Lorelai reads Sookie's fortune: "You will marry Shaun Cassidy and cheat with David." Sookie beams with joy. Now play MASH, girls. The instructor coughs loudly to break up the fun. Lorelai and Sookie apologize. Lorelai explains that they have a cootie catcher. They apologize again. But it's the end of the class, anyway. The class applauds, but the instructor says there's one "treat" left. It's a guy selling real estate, and Lorelai quickly realizes that the entire class was just a scam to get them to purchase overpriced real estate. Lorelai pulls a Kids in the Hall and crushes a head. The girls leave, deeply offended.
Outside the classroom, Lorelai and Sookie try to act as dumb as the instructors treated them. They then decide to eat their tuition price in cookies, but alas! The cookies taste like feet. Lorelai is very upset that this class made her utter the sentence, "My God, I should have listened to Michel." A man walks up behind Sookie and is overjoyed at seeing her. Sookie, at first, appears not to know this man at all, and then suddenly she knows him very well. He's Joe. He and Sookie used to work together. They then begin reminiscing about a million things we've never seen or heard of before. Oh, fun memories. The other guy standing there is Alex. "My partner," Joe says. Alex looks right at Lorelai and adds that he's merely a business partner. I don't watch the show, but apparently Alex recently played a wife-beating baby killer on 24, or something like that. All I know is he looks like a messy, scruffy Tag. And Tag? Already kind of a mess. So this guy? Totally a mess. And also? I hate that name. Tag. Is that really a name? Why did they name a character Tag? Joe has a scary forehead that gives him an evil grin when he's trying to be nice. Most of these stories revolve around some character named Bung, who was the grill man at the place where they worked. None of these stories are actual jokes, by the way. We're just listening to sections of stories we don't know about. If you cut Lauren Graham's hair at mid-neck, you'd have Alex's hair. He's also unable to make a line be funny. I guess that's because he's looking at the ground as he mumbles. Maybe he's nervous. And the guy playing Joe is gay. He demands to see Sookie's hands, which I assume means he's looking for her wedding band, but instead he's just checking to see any new burn scars or blisters. He compliments her blisters. She checks his hands as well. Um, why isn't Sookie wearing her wedding band? Lorelai scolds Alex when he reaches for a cookie.
Sookie tells Joe that she and Lorelai are starting an inn. Joe brags that he and Joe were attending a class on starting a coffee shop. "Chain of coffee shops," Alex corrects. Well, la-dee-dah, mister. One at a time, okay? Alex says that all he knows is ironworks, so he is capable of choosing the security gate. Is he supposed to be Joe Millionaire? I don't get it. Mostly, I don't understand why Lorelai is flirting with him. She's never dated unfunny people before. Lorelai! You're too good for him. Go get CuteDean! Joe says they just need to pick a name for their coffee-shop chain. Lorelai tells them not to pick anything cute. "Like Jitters," Sookie says. "Or Spill the Beans," Lorelai adds. "Or Higher Grounds!" "Or The Mudhouse." Alex immediately says he likes The Mudhouse. Lorelai says she likes it too, and calls dibs.
Joe goes back to reminiscing with Sookie. Dude. This is a long scene. More reminiscing. Lorelai looks as uncomfortable as I am. Lorelai tries to get Alex to play catch-up with her, pretending they share a common friend named Fat Sal. But Alex, he's slow on the uptake, and doesn't get it right away. So boring. Why don't they just go and get a cup of coffee instead of being rude outside the seminar doors? "This is getting exhausting," Alex says. Amen. Joe asks Sookie out on a date, kind of, and Sookie tells him where they work, which is code for "I'm seeing someone, but here's how you can reach me without my boyfriend finding out." I do like that they're making everyone hold coats since it's winter outside. That's a nice touch. The pairs split and walk in different directions. Alex and Lorelai share a lingering look as Sookie and Joe babble about how great it was to see each other.
Chilton cafeteria. "[indistinct conversations]" says my closed captioning. Paris and Rory sit at a table. Paris is complaining that they put too much gravy on her potato, so now there's gravy on her asparagus. She refuses to be treated like some prisoner. Paris leaves to go complain. Rory says she'll save Paris's seat. As Rory's head is turned away, a paper airplane flies into her tray, landing right in front of her. Rory slowly opens the plane. It says "WE NEED TO MEET. WRITE DOWN A TIME AND PLACE." Rory looks around and sees nobody. Hoping it's Jess, I guess, and not Francie, who it obviously is, Rory scribbles something on the plane. There's a crashing noise from behind. Paris storms up and announces that they took her tray. Rory looks back at the table to find that the paper plane is gone. Paris realizes that perhaps they took her tray because she insulted their hairnets. Paris asks to eat Rory's lunch. Rory -- whose spine looks like it could use more calcium as it is -- moves her tray over to Paris.
What. Ever. Of all the places Rory could pick, I guess she chose a parking garage. A mostly empty parking garage. Where? I don't know. It doesn't matter. On the Warner Brothers lot. Rory stands alone for a while. Then suddenly, a match is struck. Francie stands behind Rory. I've never seen All the President's Men, but I know what's happening. Francie has lit her eyeliner pencil, and then applies it to her face as she calmly tells Rory that she wants a truce. Rory wouldn't have picked this place if she weren't feeling guilty about talking to Francie in the first place. Francie says this is her senior year too, and she doesn't want to spend the entire time fighting. Poor Rory sure didn't have a very good high-school experience. Her senior year is almost over and what does she have to show for it? A handful of newspapers, a couple of yearbooks, and a totaled car. She should have gone on vacations, on field trips, done a play...something. It's over. It's just over. All that's left is prom. What a waste. She's only got, like, three friends. It's sad, is what it is. Even sadder is Francie quoting The Godfather, since this tedious storyline has yet to show improvement. Rory and Francie share a deliberate handshake. Francie disappears during a car alarm. "Stop doing that!" Rory whines.
Independence Inn. Lorelai gives Michel a list of things he needs to do until Michel says this is all written down in a notebook to his self-help book: Why Don't People Think You Know What the Hell You're Doing?. Lorelai says she's stressed over the deposition. Michel says it's no big deal. He did it once when his neighbor had a dog -- a cute, yippy little thing that would bark all night long, and disappeared. "I told the police what I knew, but sadly, the adorable little chatterbox was never found. It was tragic," Michel says. Lorelai is horrified that Michel got rid of a dog. Michel's deadpan denial is quite hysterical. Michel says he could show her the lie-detector test if she needs proof. Lorelai calls him heinous. He says he's also well rested. Gay Joe shows up here, busting in on Sookie's place of business like a STALKER. Then, for no real reason, Lorelai just points him back to the kitchen, where he could just stab Sookie or steal her or poison her cookies (Dirty!).
Sookie is stirring a big bowl and tells Gay Joe she'll be with him in a minute. She prattles about the menu for a second. Joe follows her around the kitchen, picks up a knife (duck, Sookie! He's got a knife!), and then starts chopping something. Uh, way to wash your hands, e.coli. Then she jams a spoon of something in his mouth before she puts the spoon back into the pot. Joe complains that it doesn't have enough brandy and then tosses the food he just chopped into some pot that's not his in the kitchen where he doesn't work. If he doesn't stop, someone else is going to have to give a deposition soon. Sookie flirts with Joe over food. They talk about how great a time they used to have together. Joe confesses that over the past ten years, he's always missed Sookie and hated the fact that they never got together that one crazy stoner summer. Sookie freaks out and excuses herself, leaving Joe to poison all the guests.
Sookie wants Lorelai to get off the phone immediately and tell her how to run her life. Lorelai is on the phone telling someone else how to run his life, and they throw in a Ramada joke. What's with the hotel snobbery humor? Anyway, the man on the phone wants continental breakfast, and Lorelai's telling him to check the Econo Lodge. She then tells him to talk to his wife and call her back. Lorelai finally hangs up as Sookie mimes people walking, talking, and kissing. Lorelai calls Sookie "Shields and Yarnell." The closed captioning didn't even try to bother with that sentence. Sookie freaks out that Joe thinks they're going on a date. "Is he crazy?" Lorelai asks. "Busting chops is not a date." Sookie explains what just happened. "He's liked you for ten years?" Lorelai coos. "Yes," Sookie giggles. They say that this is a total Great Gatsby moment. Sookie beams at the thought of being somebody's Daisy. They agree that it's very flattering to be somebody's Daisy. Sookie asks if she brought this on, if she was flirting. Lorelai says it's impossible to flirt when you're talking about Bung. Joe just read something into it that wasn't there. Sookie asks what Jackson's going to say. Lorelai says that Jackson will be fine, since this is just a misunderstanding. Sookie asks what she's supposed to tell Joe. After ten years, this is going to be quite a letdown. Sookie decides to tell Joe she's a lesbian. Lorelai suggests she tell him she's married. Sookie: "Right! I'm married. Good. That's very good." Sookie gloats a bit more about being somebody's Daisy until Lorelai tells her to be happy later. "Right," Sookie says. "I'm going in." Lorelai answers the phone. Yep. That's this scene's closer.
Back at the kitchen, I guess Joe just put his hands into every pot (Dirty!) and changed how Sookie likes to cook things and changed her recipes and dump him, Sookie. Get him out of your workplace. Anyway, Sookie stammers an apology, and explains that she's not going on a date with him, on account of the fact that she's married. She realizes that she's not wearing a ring, and goes to get it from the wall. We watch it happen, so I'm wondering if this is a bit of foreshadowing as well, as this is twice Sookie's been without her wedding band. ["I can see the logic of her taking it off to cook, since that would get her hands all dirty." -- Wing Chun] Sookie puts the ring on now and shows Joe her finger. "Here!" Sookie says. "Let me give you some money!" That cracks me up. She opts to go on a double date with him later -- Sookie, Jackson, Joe, and Joe's boyfriend. Sookie walks Joe out.
We follow the longest goodbye ever, where Sookie makes another inside joke that we don't get because we weren't there when these two people knew each other. Is this Joe going to stick around and steal Sookie away from Jackson? Is that what all of this was for? Because if so, I hate it. They hug goodbye. Joe stiltedly says, "I guess this'll teach me not to wait ten years time." He promises to give her a call soon, to steal her away from her husband. Lorelai watches him leave. Lorelai notes that Joe's smiling, and says she knew it was nothing to get worked up over. "I'M A WHORE!" Sookie shouts. Hee.
Stars Hollow. Rory and Lorelai pass the world's fakest snowman as Rory goes over the questions they're going to ask Lorelai for the deposition. Lorelai complains about the studying. The first question asks Lorelai to describe the way her mother runs her household. Lorelai makes a reference to the rowing scene in Ben-Hur, but then asks if she should amend that to the "Express Yourself" video. The is, "Would you say that your mother is an easy woman to get along with?" Lorelai quickly says no. Rory accuses Lorelai of not taking this seriously. Lorelai says she is taking it seriously, and that she can't believe that Rory wants her to lie. Rory says that Lorelai doesn't have to lie; she just has to be choosy with how she tells the truth. Lorelai is wearing a scarf that must be fifteen feet long, since it's down to her feet on both sides and wrapped around her neck once. Rory suggests, "My mother is a perfectionist." Lorelai asks if Rory's going to visit her in jail. Rory promises she will. Just as they're about to arrive at Luke's, Luke himself walks out the front door. He says they're out of food and he needs to run over to Doose's to tide them over until tomorrow. Lorelai asks how he could be out of food. "Well, it starts with the words, 'Hey, Jess, you do the ordering this week?' and ends with me selling Kirk a lettuce sandwich." Lorelai says they'll need burgers. Rory adds tater tots. And pickles. Luke starts writing it all down. They ask for pie. "Cherry!" Rory says, reminding us once again about her own. "And whipped cream," Lorelai says. "And dental floss. And paper towels. And People magazine." This time, the joke was better. Should have cut the earlier one about the lawyer and the ice cream. Luke leaves.
Chilton. Whatever day this is. Francie watches Paris walk into the bathroom and follows her. She says she "so" needs to talk to her. "Are you lost?" Francie bitches at some random Chilton girl who promptly jets out of there. I'm sure you all know what's happening here, but Francie pulls out photographs of her meeting with Rory in a suspicious parking garage, shaking hands. She says that the pictures were shoved into her locker this morning as blackmail, so she decided to come clean and explain so that Paris never questions where her loyalties lie. Francie tells a bullshit story about Rory coming to her, wanting to do things without Paris, saying, "Paris is just too wrapped up in that boyfriend of hers to care about anything." At the word "boyfriend," Paris is visibly hurt. She tells Francie she's not mad and leaves. Francie tosses the photos away, gloating about how easy that was.
Get ready for lame. Fencing class. Louisa's wearing curlers in her hair so that she doesn't get helmet hair. Fraulein gives a brief history about Striptease Aerobics that was so factually inaccurate that my friend in New York had to email to tell me that Striptease Aerobics actually originated in his gym. I guess people in New York, they love their gyms. Like gang turf. Sharks, Jets, Crunch, Golds. Paris arrives tardy, pissy at Rory. For some reason, they're partners. Do they ever spend a minute without each other? The Fencing teacher starts with giving them orders, but then as Paris starts to fence for real, and Rory starts to get frightened, the teacher just stands back and watches. What shitty faculty Chilton has. These parents should sue, what with the tuition costs and all. Paris and Rory fence and fence and fence as Rory plays Little Miss Innocent (Paris names it the "I'm Rory, Don't You Want To Pet Me?" face, which is a good name for it) and Paris is Burning with anger. Where's the teacher? Rory admits that she met with Francie, but that it wasn't what Paris thinks. Paris calls Rory "Brutus" and does some kind of parry thing that causes Rory to fall back. Now the entire class is watching them fence like a fight has broken out, and the teacher's just standing there, looking like she's eight. Rory and Paris take off their masks and have an uncomfortable bit of blocking where they're holding their masks with one hand, their foils in another, and they're trying to look like they're struggling while saying lines. Paris tells Rory she knows Francie's setting Rory up. That's not the problem. The problem is that Rory was talking to Francie behind Paris's back in the first place. Paris slices and dices, accusing Rory of both betraying her and trying to sell her out. Rory loses her sword; Paris chases her and somehow nobody's in detention, suspension, or expulsion. Paris chases Rory around the room until Rory falls like a weak horror-film teen. She takes off her mask. Paris says the worst is that Rory told Francie about Jamie. "I can't believe I ever considered you my best friend," Paris says, holding back tears. She storms out. Class dismissed, y'all. That teacher should be fired.
Outside Emily's, Rory is still moaning and whining that she had no idea Paris would be so upset and that she had no idea that Paris thought Rory was her best friend. I'm getting so sick of Rory's fake innocence, how she never realizes the awful situations she puts people in, like having her boyfriends co-exist, or making her mom talk to Emily when she doesn't want to, or making Lane not stick up for her when Jess got a new car. I'm so sick of it. Lorelai suggests that Rory go back to school tomorrow and let Paris stab her. So what day is it? Gah.
Emily answers the door and lets the girls in. Lorelai asks if she should arrange a sit-down. There's more gangster humor as the housekeeper takes Lorelai's coat. Lorelai and Rory sit down. Lorelai notices that Emily's being a little quiet. Emily says she's probably being a little quiet, since she doesn't have a lot to say: "I know, why don't I read to you instead?" Emily has a copy of Lorelai's deposition. "Listen," she says. "It's fun." The first question: "Would you say your mother is a tolerant woman?" Who asked these questions? Emily's lawyer, or the housekeeper's? Lorelai moans and groans as Emily reads everything with a smile frozen on her face. Lorelai's answer: "Um, well, sure." This begins the debate about whether or not Lorelai has a sarcastic "sure." Rory's input: "Pick spot on carpet and stare." When Lorelai was asked why Emily had fired maids in the past, Lorelai said there are different reasons, and that they'd need to have most of their afternoons cleared if they wanted to hear all of them. Also, Lorelai wonders why they named the sport "Squash." Lorelai says she was flustered by his lawyer tricks. Emily says that this was important, but for some reason Lorelai couldn't find it inside her heart to put aside her personal antagonism for one day to help Emily out. Lorelai? Think of someone else's needs? Are you kidding? Lorelai says this isn't fair, and that she said nice things about Emily in there. When Lorelai was asked whether Emily had an unattainable set of standards that set people up to fail, she answered, "Only for her daughter." Brooke apologizes for the interruption, and announces that dinner is ready. Lorelai tells her to keep it warm; it's going to be a long time. Emily flips to find the part where Lorelai mentioned Ben-Hur. Rory gives Lorelai a look. "Yeah, I did," Lorelai pouts.
Chilton cafeteria. The blood drive is in full swing, and for some reason, there's no callback to Fraulein's fear of the word "blood." Rory sits by herself, reading a book. Paris, Fraulein, and Louisa walk in and openly dis Rory by sitting at another table. The girls at the other table are like, "Um, hello?" We already saw all of this with The Puffs. Then a paper airplane lands in Rory's food. It says "Leper." I say "Whatever." ["Seriously. Rory obviously doesn't give a rat's ass about Paris or else she would have told her about Francie. And she doesn't need school friends; she has plenty of friends back home in Stars Hollow to ignore and screw over." -- Wing Chun] Rory listens to her CD player.
Jackson comes home to see that Sookie has fixed his favorite dinner -- beef jerky and fried marshmallow pie -- and is playing his favorite band, CCR, even though she doesn't even like CCR. Jackson smiles and wonders why she would do all of these things. He quickly gasps. "YOU CHEATED ON ME!" he screams, and I have my only real laugh this entire episode. Sookie explains that she accidentally flirted, and the fighting and wailing begins. "You ruined Creedence for me!" Jackson screams. Hasn't two days passed since Sookie accidentally flirt-cheated on Jackson?
Rory tells Lorelai that she's going to bed. Lorelai asks why Rory would go to bed at 9:30. Rory says that going all day without talking to anybody is more tiring than one would think. "I hate those girls," Lorelai says. Rory says it was actually a pleasant change not to start a meal with a recitation of the calorie content of the table. Rory says good night.
The phone rings. At 9:30? It's Alex Lesman, the scruffy Learning Center man. We see an intercut of him sitting in what looks exactly like Christopher's apartment before Christopher moved in with Sherri. Where the hell is little Gigi, anyway? Shouldn't that kid be a couple of months old now? Just dropping that entire storyline, I guess -- Rory having a sister and everything. Whatever. Anyway, Alex likes to talk in a rapid monotone without any real pauses or intonations. He tells Lorelai that a French guy at the hotel gave him her number and that Alex shouldn't worry what hour of the day or night to call. Is Michel still at the Inn? He keeps horrible hours. Alex and Lorelai make some small talk about coffee, and Alex asks Lorelai out on a date this Saturday. Lorelai accepts the date. Alex points out that this is indeed a date. As Lorelai and Alex discuss possible names for their chain of coffee houses, we're forced to stand outside in the cold, outside the window, watching Lorelai talk by her roaring fire. Gosh, it's cold out here. And it's hard to hear what they're saying on the phone. We're getting further and further away, too. What? I can't hear...it's so cold! Hello!? Bye, Lorelai! Hope you resolve one of the plot points week, since none of them were finished up this week! Your mom's right! You were wrong! I hope you apologize to her! And it's okay if we never talk about Francie again! And...can you still hear me? Anyway, I miss Luke! But thanks for the Jess break! Hello? Lorelai? Why does Sookie hate her husband?