We open on someone taking down the dance marathon banner. This time the banner doesn't say "50th Annual." I guess it's supposed to be Monday morning, the day after the contest. I'm guessing that because Rory is dressed in her Chilton uniform. But she and Lorelai can barely walk; their feet are in tremendous pain from the contest. Lorelai needs to stop walking every few seconds. Rory moans that her feet have never been in this much pain before. "Oh, yeah?" Lorelai asks. "What about that time?" Rory doesn't know which time Lorelai's talking about. Before Lorelai can answer, she's hit with another wave of pain. They mope over to a haystack, and take a seat. Rory asks Lorelai to continue, but Lorelai's forgotten what she was talking about so much that she ends up confusing Rory in the process. It's a series of questions worthy of Vinnie Barbarino's thesis paper. Lorelai observes that she and Rory do not function well on "funky sleep patterns." Rory says she feels jet-lagged. "You've been up twenty-four hours straight," Lorelai says. Okay, everybody, collectively, just let it go. I know. Either she would have been up for another full day, making it forty-eight hours straight, or she slept all of Sunday away, which doesn't account for why she'd be so tired right now. There's nothing we can do about it. Rory's tired. Let's just agree and move on. Rory can't believe she stayed up for that long just because her mother asked her to. Lorelai says she doesn't expect it'll happen again. Hey, I guess Rory's all healed from her heartache. All better. Fixed. Feeling good, even, heart-wise. Lorelai can't believe how far away Luke's is from their haystack. She decides to concentrate really hard to use her psychic powers to move it closer. The girls stare at the building. Rory: "I don't think it's working." Lorelai: "Unh, it's my fault; I'm not focusing." Lorelai tries to get them moving, giving them a one-two-three count, saying they need to get up and go. They, of course, stay still. Eventually the opening credits take over.
Hey, that's Jared Padalecki still in the opening credits! Someone out there loves me.
Luke's. The girls made it there alive, but just barely. Lorelai throws herself onto a chair and thanks God. The girls take chairs at separate tables, which is possible because Luke's appears to be pretty damn empty for a Monday morning. Lorelai says it was a good thing it wasn't snowing outside while they were hiking to Luke's: "It would have been the Donner party all over again, but with slightly better hair." Lorelai notices that Rory's at a different table. She giggles, and asks Rory, "Why are you sitting way over there?" Rory asks how she got there. "You sat there," Lorelai answers. Rory points out how close the chairs are to each other, and how easy it is to make that kind of mistake. The girls then debate which of them should move to the other table. It goes on until Lorelai pulls rank and says she's the Alpha. Rory moves to her table just as Kirk enters, still carrying his very large trophy. "Oh, excuse me," he says. "Did my trophy bump you?" Hee. Lorelai says it didn't, so Kirk explains that since the trophy is so large, he doesn't always know where it ends. He says the "shiny golden edges" of the trophy are very sharp, and could take an eye out or cause a deep gash: "It's almost more a weapon than a trophy." Lorelai: "Really? Can I hold it, then?" Luke tells Kirk to get out of the way, since he's blocking the door. Kirk requests one of the larger tables this morning, because the smaller tables couldn't possibly handle the sheer massiveness of Kirk's trophy. Luke tells Kirk to put the trophy on the floor. Kirk says it needs its own chair. "It's gonna need its own glue if you don't sit down pretty soon," Luke threatens. "Everybody hates a winner," Kirk notes. Lorelai tells Rory that they're going to share eggs and pancakes. Rory says she can't, since she's now late for school. Lorelai can't believe it took them thirty minutes to walk to Luke's. Rory and Lorelai limp to the counter to ask for donuts to go. Lorelai also asks for some of the extra legs Heather Mills is sending to Croatia.
Jess enters awkwardly, wearing the ugliest shirt ever seen on Gilmore Girls, the WB, or Earth. There's some staring. "Hi," he says to Rory, who beams and says hello back. "Hi," he says to Lorelai, who gives a quick hello back. "Hi," he says to Luke, who gives a weird look as he says hello back. Rory says she has to get to school. Jess says he does, too. The dialogue repeats, with the find and replace of "Bye" for "Hi." Luke asks Lorelai what the hell is going on. "That was Episode One of Rory and Jess: the Early Years," Lorelai says. Oh, I thought that was last season. Surely we're on Episode Ten: Rory and Jess: We Get It. Lorelai tells Luke that Rory and Jess "are together." She touches two fingers together to show how they're not like fingers crossed, but more like fingers poking at each other. Luke asks how he didn't know that Rory and CuteDean broke up at the dance, since he was there. "Because you're you," Lorelai tells him. Luke asks what happened. "Jess happened," Lorelai answers. Luke seems pretty damn pleased about it all, Lorelai less so. "This is great!" Luke says. "I'll tell Dean you said that," Lorelai smiles. Luke just thinks it's all so great. He asks Lorelai if she thinks it's great, too. "I think Rory's seventeen and it's probably about time for a Jess," she answers. Luke hopes that some of Rory will rub off on Jess. I can't believe they don't make a joke out of that, but instead Lorelai says she spent a long time fighting the idea of Rory and Jess, but she wants Rory to be happy, so she's just hoping for the best at this point. "Very romantic," Luke says. "Says the man who yelled, 'Finally!' at the end of Love Story," finishes Lorelai. Luke leaves to fetch her coffee. Lorelai thanks him.
And now it's Friday, I guess. Emily is making her cook make a salad over again, because she doesn't want any walnuts in it. The rest of the family is gathered around the table. Rory and Lorelai are hunched over in hunger. Richard is reading the paper. Lorelai can't believe Emily's making her cook remake the salad a fifth time. Emily says she likes things done correctly. "Preferably the first time," Richard adds. Lorelai tells Emily that in Europe, they eat the salad last and dessert first. She asks if they can pretend they're in Europe. Emily asks if the situation is so dire that Lorelai can't wait another ten minutes for her salad. Lorelai says that four salads ago it wasn't dire, but now it's "Your money for nothin' and your chicks for free." Very funny. Emily looks to Rory for an explanation. "She didn't have lunch." Emily leaves the table to fetch their European dinner. Richard thinks it's wonderful: "I was getting so tired of being an American, day after day after day." Rory tells Lorelai to think of something else, something disgusting that would take her mind off of food. "Ari Fleischer?" Lorelai asks. He's the most attractive person in Washington! Richard says that Ari Fleischer is America's mouthpiece. "Officially not hungry now," Lorelai brats.
Emily announces that Lilliana will be out shortly with the "sand dabs." I have no idea what that is. Emily says she's afraid they'll have to let Lilliana go. Richard: "Well, if that's how you feel, Emily." Lorelai can't believe Emily's firing someone over walnuts in a salad. Lor, it was, like, four times she made the salad over and over again. What made her hand continually toss nuts into the leaves? Why did she even have walnuts near the salad over and over? Lorelai warns that if Emily isn't a little nicer to her help, she might find herself in a "Frank Lloyd Wright" situation: "Mrs. Wright apparently had this major problem with her help. She was very rough on them and they totally hated her. So this guy, who had worked for her forever, he had finally had enough." She asks Rory to concur that "the incident" was over walnuts. Rory says she believes the exact cause has not been determined. Lorelai continues. She says that Mrs. Wright had a dinner party full of people and her disgruntled servant went outside, locked all the doors and windows, doused the house in gasoline and set it on fire. The guests couldn't get out because the doors were locked, so they went out the windows, but "Mr. Angry Puss" was standing outside with an axe, and he hacked them all into little pieces. Emily asks why Lorelai would tell her a story like that. Lorelai concludes that sometimes eating walnuts is preferable to getting burned or getting hacked to death. I call my Frank Lloyd Wright-buff friend, who not only confirms this story, but adds to it. Apparently the woman wasn't Wright's wife, but his mistress. Her child was also killed. Wright later rebuilt the house, and thirty years later it burned down again. From the Donner party to this, it's a gory episode, huh? Emily threatens to make Lorelai eat dinner in her room. Rory leaves to get another soda. Lorelai requests a large bag of walnuts. Richard stands to get some more ice, and asks Emily if she needs anything. Emily says she's fine. Richard leaves. Lorelai begins sniffing the air. Emily barks at her to stop.
In the kitchen -- the one that, I guess, doesn't contain a cook feverishly remaking salads -- Rory grabs a Coke from the industrial-sized fridge. Richard enters and asks if she found the Coke okay. Rory says she did. He grabs himself ice and sneaks a couple of chocolates out of the freezer. He hands one to Rory. She's very grateful for the chocolate. As they eat sweets, they make small talk. Richard asks how school is going. Rory says it's good, although it's crazy. Richard says that preparing for college can be a daunting task. When he was preparing for Yale he didn't sleep for an entire year. He says he didn't even cut his hair for two months. "Grampa!" Rory scoffs. Richard agrees that it was quite the scandal. He says that, in the end, it was all worth it. He found his years at Yale were the most gratifying of his life: "Just the sheer freedom of knowing that anything I wanted to learn, I could learn right there." He loved the history and the heritage, the fact that his father went there. He loved the friends that he made, friends he still has today. Rory smiles, and says that it must be nice. Richard informs Rory that he's going to Yale week for a Whiffenpoof reunion. Oh, Djb, I miss you very much. Look how they gave your brother a shout-out! I went to college in Texas. If there was something called a Whiffenpoof on campus, it would have been shot and stuffed. But apparently up there where the Yankees do their book learnin', they take their a cappella singing groups very seriously. Richard describes the Whiffenpoofs as "the Beatles with better table manners." Rory says she's never heard Richard sing. Richard says he's no Perry Como, but that his shower hasn't kicked him out yet. Poor Lilliana enters, tears in her eyes, tray full of remade salad. She runs out to the dining room. Rory and Richard note that they saw walnuts on those new salads. "Poor Grandma," Rory says. "Poor us," Richard adds. He grabs them more chocolate as he invites Rory to come with him to Yale week to see the school. He says it might be a fun little adventure, the four of them driving down to the campus, a picnic, a tour. She and Lorelai could go and have fun while he and Emily have a somber dinner. He says he'd love to show his school to her. Rory agrees to go: "That would be nice." Richard is very pleased. He asks if he should tell Lorelai, or if Rory wants to. Rory says she'll handle it. Lillana races back through the room, tray still loaded with salads. Richard says they're going to need a few more chocolates. I thought they were getting their main courses. Rory stands around, staring at things.
Post-dinner, outside Emily's house, Lorelai considers writing Emily an anonymous note requesting that she never makes the sand dabs again. Rory says the note wouldn't be too anonymous, since Emily told them she's never made sand dabs before. When they say "she made," do they mean "she told her staff to make"? It gets confusing. Rory and Lorelai get in the Jeep. Lorelai starts the engine. Rory says she needs to talk to Lorelai. Rory says that she talked to Richard. Lorelai turns off the engine. Rory asks why she turned the car off. Lorelai says she's getting the feeling she shouldn't be driving a large vehicle when Rory tells her this news. Rory tells Lorelai about the trip; Lorelai gets out of the car to go put a stop to it. Rory tries to get Lorelai to stop, saying that Richard's going for a reunion and just wants to show her the campus. Lorelai says that he's just manipulating Rory and trying to get her to change her mind about Harvard. Rory says he might be, but that he still wants her to go see the school. She says that Lorelai doesn't even have to come, but that she doesn't want a big thing or a fight about it. They'll just go and say "Hi, Yale" followed by "Bye, Yale," and it'll be over. Rory pushes Lorelai back to the car and says it doesn't have to be a total loss. She says they can figure out fun things to do in New Haven. Lorelai asks if Rory's ever been to New Haven. Rory admits that she hasn't. "Take a look at the coffee pot tomorrow before I clean it," Lorelai says. "That's New Haven." Hee. Rory promises that they'll have fun, and that the grandparents will be happy and everyone will win. She says she knows that she's being manipulated and that this is part of Richard's evil plan to take over her life and abolish her free will, pull her into the Gilmore world, dress her in pearls, and ruin her life. Lorelai says that Rory forgot to call Richard "The Puppet Master." Rory promises never to make that mistake again. Slow blackout to commercial.
Luke's. Kirk enters, upset, and asks Luke where his Lost and Found is. "Out back, in the dumpster," Luke answers. Kirk begs Luke for his help, saying that he doesn't know what to do, and that he's "shaking like a spastic colon." His trophy is gone: "Someone took her." He says that the last time he saw her, she was sitting to him at the movies. "Stop calling it 'she,'" Luke says. Kirk says he's retraced his steps, and that he suspects foul play. Kidnapping. Luke suggests that Kirk tell the authorities, adding that if they suggest Kirk stay somewhere for observation, he should obey. "It's just routine," Luke explains. Kirk starts to leave, but Rory enters, her backpack on her shoulder. Kirk begins searching her bag. He asks where she was this morning at 10. Rory says she was at school. Kirk asks if she has witnesses. "Yes," Rory says. "Can you get them to make a short statement?" he asks. "No," Rory answers. "Oh. Okay." He leaves. Rory laughs and asks Luke, "Someone took his statue again?" Luke says yes. "Every year," Rory says. Luke says that there are some things in life that never let you down. Rory's acting shifty, looking around for Jess. Luke tries to make eye contact with her, saying it's nice to see her. She says it's nice to see him too, but she's looking for someone nicer to see. Luke asks if she'd like a table for one, but Rory's content with just sitting at the counter. She asks for a cheeseburger, still looking around the restaurant.
Jess enters, rubbing sleep from his eye. Isn't it, like, 5? Jess and Rory stare at each other. Luke helpfully says, "Hey, Jess! Look who's here? Rory!" Rory and Jess say hi to each other. Luke says it's time for them to add another word. He asks Jess if he wants something to eat. Jess says he's not hungry. Rory says she's not hungry either. She asks for the cheeseburger to go. She says she prefers burgers after they've been sitting around for a while. "Lets them age," she says. "Right," Luke says, and then leaves. After another pause, Jess says intentionally and obviously, "You know, I've got that book upstairs." Rory shoots a scared look in Luke's direction and says just as obviously, "Oh, the book we talked about!" Jess says, "We could go upstairs and look at it." Rory agrees that they could go upstairs and look at the book. They decide to go upstairs and look at the book. Luke's all slack-jawed, watching them go upstairs, not even being slightly worried about how Jess has sex with girls and Rory's a virgin.
Upstairs. Jess and Rory walk around the room uncomfortably, not knowing where to put their hands. "So, here we are," Jess says. "Yep, here we are," Rory agrees. Someone hose these kids down so they know how to talk to each other. Put a boyfriend in the room so they'll kiss. They make small talk about how the room is now bigger since Jess and Luke ripped that wall down and remodeled. Rory points at a bed and says, "That part over there." "That's mine," Jess quickly says. He moves quickly to the fridge and asks if she wants a soda. Rory says she's fine, leaving Jess with nothing to do. Isn't it strange that they have a fridge when they live above a kitchen? Jess and Rory touch the backs of chairs, unable to talk or look at each other. Jess asks if she's sure she doesn't want a soda. Rory says she's sure. Jess begs her to let him get her a soda. He wants to do something other than stand there like a moron. Rory tells him to take comfort in the fact that he's not doing it alone. He asks to regroup. Rory agrees. Jess thinks that they should try to stand within a foot of each other. Rory agrees. Jess and Rory take a couple of steps closer, until Rory decides they're about a foot apart. "Oh! That school of yours is really paying off," Jess says. Rory asks what they do now. This is the furthest Rory's ever gone with a boy, after all. She says they either need to get a little closer, or they need to warm up. Jess stands closer and takes each of her hands in his. They say hi to each other again. Just as their lips touch, Luke opens the door with so much gusto that the draft throws Jess across the room and Rory spins in place. Luke says he's got Rory's burger. Rory quickly takes it and thanks him. He says he also threw in some fries. Rory says that's great, since she loves fries. She stammers, tries to thank Jess for something and then runs away, her feet practically kicking her own ass as she runs.
Luke shuts the door and asks Jess what was going on up there. Jess says nothing, but Luke's not buying it. He says he walked in and the two of them were like shrapnel, they blew apart so quickly. Jess compliments Luke's timing and says he might have to hang a sock on the door time. Gross. Luke shouts that there will be no hanging of socks on doors in his house. Go, Luke. Jess says he was kidding. Luke asks how hanging a sock on the door could be funny. Jess says that depending on the design of the sock, it could be hilarious. The old Jess is back, ladies and gentlemen! Move over Jess 2.0. It's dry, assholic Jess again. Luke tells Jess to sit down. Luke says it's time to lay down a few ground rules. He tells Jess that when Rory's upstairs, the door must remain open and they aren't allowed on either end of the apartment. They must stay in the middle, at the couch or table, in view of the door, as long as they stay in two different places. They cannot both sit on the couch, or both sit in chairs. Jess says he gets it. Luke says that Rory's curfew on weekdays is 9 PM, on weekends it's 11. No alcohol, cigarettes, or anything else Nancy Reagan would find unacceptable. Jess asks if Luke wants Jess to commit him, or if he can do it himself. Luke says he's not joking. He calls Jess "Mister" to prove just how much he's not joking. Jess reminds Luke that he's Jess's guardian, and not Rory's. Luke says that Rory doesn't need the guardian. Jess says that Rory tried to kiss him, that she did the old stretch and yawn, or the Danny Zuko sneeze and boob-grab. Luke tells him to stop. Jess asks what he thinks is going to happen. Luke says that Jess knows what he thinks is going to happen. Jess says he doesn't: "Tell me. Tell me what I'm gonna do to her." Luke says that he won't get to do anything to Rory, because when they're at Rory's house, there's Lorelai, and when they're at Luke's, there's Luke, and when they're outside, "there's Taylor." Jess tries to compare his situation to Romeo and Juliet's, but I'm not listening. Luke looks pretty pleased with his parenting skills, with the rules he just laid out.
Lorelai's all packed and ready for the road trip. She tells Rory that it's time for them to get a move on. Rory says she'll be right there. Lorelai tells Rory to take an extra coat. There's some debate about whether that's necessary, since they're only going for one day, and how Emily has rules about road trips and it's best not to cross her rules. Rory says she'll take another coat. Lorelai pulls out a book she bought as research for their trip: The Best of New Haven. Rory comments on how small the book is. If they get really bored, they can go and visit all of the surviving members of my family, on both sides. Anyway, Lorelai has found one of the best taco places on the East Coast, and it's only ten minutes away from campus. "You haven't had a taco until you've spent some time at Hector's," Lorelai reads. "Crisp and meaty -- " "Dirty," Rory interrupts. Lorelai thanks her and reads the rest of the blurb. Lorelai figures they'll go get tacos while Richard's Poofing it up. This episode sure has a lot of filler dialogue where people are just chatting, huh?
Lorelai asks Rory where her stuff is. Rory says she put an extra coat by the door. Lorelai pours coffee and says she left a list of things to pack last night. Rory says she thought Lorelai was kidding. "You didn't pack?" Lorelai asks. "Well..." Rory answers. Lorelai gives a huge sigh and runs to Rory's room to pack. She says the way to survive a road trip is to make sure that you're prepared for all eventualities, and that you have anything you might ever need. That way, you'll never get a thirty-minute lecture from Emily on how you should have packed a second swimsuit. Then when the first one has a strap break on a waterslide in an accident even Kreskin couldn't have predicted, you're prepared. Rory doesn't want to bring a bathing suit; it's thirty degrees outside. Lorelai explains that the example was based on a true story, and then tells Rory to find a sweater that matches the skirt Lorelai just pulled out of a drawer. Rory doesn't know when they'd need to change, since they're driving, walking, eating tacos, and then driving again. Lorelai tells Rory to check her list. Rory asks why she needs rain boots. Lorelai doesn't understand why Rory is still questioning her. Rory asks if she really needs a rain hat and an umbrella or will one or the other do. Lorelai just stares. "Forget it," Rory says. "Stupid question."
Lorelai finds Rory's bracelet on the dresser and says, "Oh, wow. I guess this means there really isn't a Dean anymore." Yeah, it's been like, two weeks, Lorelai. She hasn't shed a tear. He's been gone for months, really. Rory: "Yeah, that and it broke in the shower this morning." Now, was she still wearing it for two weeks after they broke up? Because I bet when Jess held her hand, he noticed her bracelet still on. He knows about the bracelet. I'm letting it go. Letting it go. Let it go. Gone. Rory says she would have taken the bracelet off anyway, probably. "Or Jess would have done it for ya," Lorelai says, echoing my sentiments. Rory crosses her arms and sternly asks what that meant. Lorelai stammers that it meant Jess probably wouldn't want Rory wearing her ex-boyfriend's bracelet. "Or that Jess is a thief and he would have stolen it," Rory says. Ooh, that's not what Lorelai meant. That's your own subconscious, Rory. But Lorelai thinks it's interesting that it works on both levels. Rory asks if this is how it's going to be from now on -- Lorelai liking Dean, hating Jess: "Jess will always be the evil guy who mouthed off to you and wrecked my car. And Dean will always be the perfect guy who would come over and change the water bottle." Yes. Yes. Yes. Lorelai moans, "Oh, I forgot about the water bottle!" Lorelai tells Rory that she didn't say anything at all, and that she's trying to be supportive. "Go team," supportive.
Rory wants to know how supportive Lorelai's going to be. Like, if she invited Jess over, would he be allowed inside of the house? Lorelai says he can come inside. "Are you going to talk to him?" Rory asks. Lorelai falls over and moans, "Oh, my God!" which would totally be my reaction, too. She promises to match him "grunt for grunt." Rory asks if there was a fire and Lorelai could either save Jess or her shoes, what would she do. "That depends," Lorelai says. "Did he start the fire?" Hee. Lorelai promises again to cut Jess some slack. "Did I like Dean? Yes. Did I worry about you less when you were with Dean? Yes. But I never expected you to be with Dean forever just like I don't expect you to be with Jess forever." Rory: "Oh, so now you're just waiting for the day I'm not with Jess anymore." Lorelai grabs Rory by both shoulders and says she's now looking forward to Emily getting here. Rory smiles, says she was kidding, and thanks Lorelai. "You're annoying, and you're welcome," Lorelai smiles. The doorbell rings. "Let the games begin," Lorelai smiles. You know, the only time my mother and I fought non-stop was the six months I was dating the Boy She Hated. We fought viscously over everything. She thought I was wasting my life, and I thought she was being cold-hearted and hateful. I was sixteen and she was realizing that I was growing up and the two hormonal changes at once started a war in my house that almost destroyed it. I know this show isn't about me, but this is a good way to throw some tension between Rory and Lorelai that's really needed, particularly with Rory going to school year. The battle for independence. Bring it on, Season Four.
Richard and Emily are beaming at the door, announcing their arrival. Emily asks if they brought an umbrella. "And a rain cap," Rory says. "Excellent!" Emily says. Richard grabs their bags and they're off.
Lorelai is carrying a travel mug of coffee to the car. Emily tells her she can't drink it in the car. Lorelai says she knows, and that she's merely walking the mug to the car. She promises that she won't drink any coffee in the car. She opens the car door, rolls down the window, keeps the mug outside the car while she gets in, and sticks her torso out the window. "Now let's see you drink it," Emily says, amused at her daughter's antics. Lorelai kneels on the seat and sips from the mug. Emily tells Lorelai she's not allowed back into the car until the coffee is gone. The car takes off and Lorelai tries not to fall, throw up, or spill.
"Yale." Lorelai watches a student rushing past and comments that he looks really smart: "The glasses, the furrowed brow, the ticky walk." Rory says that there are smart people at Yale. Behind Lorelai and Rory, Emily and Richard walk, their proud smiles frozen on their faces. Lorelai guesses that if she took her checkbook out right now, twelve guys could help balance it for her. Richard says it'd be thirteen if she were standing in front of the right building. Rory thanks Richard for taking her to the amazing art gallery. Richard brags that Yale has one of the best British art collections in the world. He says he spent a lot of time in that gallery when he was young. "I'll say you did," Emily snarks. Apparently the art gallery was where Richard took young women in order to woo. Emily says that Richard was quite gifted in the following move: "Frown, step back, wrinkle, and sigh." Emily then demonstrates all four moves. She says that by the end of the date, you thought he was a genius, the way he went on about art and Paris. Richard thinks that Emily's stories are going to make the girls think he was some kind of Lothario. Emily says that he was. Richard says he was just a young, single man who wanted to experience life. As he walks on, Lorelai warns Rory: "Don't ever fall for that line." Rory promises she won't.
As they walk on, Richard reminds Emily that she wasn't such a "doe lost in the woods" herself. Lorelai says to Rory, "They're turning on each other. I love it!" Richard takes Emily by the hand and leads her in front of a pillar that reads "YALE" in huge letters as he reminds her that he was in a serious relationship when he met Emily. Then Emily decided she had to have him. See? It's okay for Rory to do this with Jess because it's the same story as how her grandparents met. How serious? Well, she was pinned, she'd met his parents, and the invitations were already sent. Emily says that Richard's old flame was so stupid, people had to give directions to help her to a point. Lorelai makes a cat noise. As Lorelai calls Emily the "Helena Bonham Carter of the society set," Emily says she didn't steal Richard away, she simply gave him a choice. Richard says that when Emily showed up at his fraternity party wearing that blue dress, she left him very little choice at all. "You stole my father with fashion," Lorelai says in awe. Emily is flattered that he remembered. "I can't believe you were the other woman," Lorelai says. Richard stops walking and asks Emily if she notices where they are. After a second, Emily realizes, and notes that there was a bench there before. It's where they were standing when Richard proposed. "By the trash can?" "That's right!" Emily says. They had gotten into a big fight because Richard wouldn't make holiday plans with her. Emily thought he was being non-committal but the truth was that he wanted her to meet his parents so he could propose. Just as she called him a "spineless jellyfish," he handed her the small box. She opened it up, looked at the ring, closed the box emotionlessly, and said, "Fine." Emily and Richard get all gushy retelling the story, and kiss over the trash can. "That's so sweet!" Rory says. Just then, the button on the back of Emily's skirt breaks, so Lorelai offers to take her to the bathroom to help fix it. There's some bumbling and bickering, but eventually Lorelai bribes Emily with the hope of meeting George Michael in the bathroom, and they go.
In the bathroom, Lorelai takes a look at the skirt as Emily complains that the skirt is brand-new and she's got a dinner to go to tonight. Lorelai suggests that Emily drink a lot at the party, as it's easier to explain why you're not wearing a skirt if you're drunk and reeling. Lorelai fixes the skirt with a paper clip in her purse. Now, after all that about how prepared Emily is for everything, and how they need extra clothes in case something breaks, gets stained, or gets rained on, isn't it strange that neither of them carries a sewing kit? Moving on. Letting it go. Emily has never heard of using a paper clip in such a fashion, and is amazed at Lorelai's skills. Emily tells Lorelai that Richard is having a wonderful time. It means a lot to him to share this with Rory, but he's really happy that it gets to share it with both of Rory and Lorelai. "It's nice that you're here," Emily says. Lorelai says it's nice for Emily, but since she just found out that she was supposed to have a different mother, she's a little scarred.
Sitting on a bench somewhere with Rory, Richard points out in front of him and says that's his favorite building. It's the dining hall. Rory says she thought campus food was supposed to be bad, but Richard goes on about how Yale food is some of the best food in the world, the finest cuisine, the best food, wonderful food, vote Yale. Then they make a small ad on behalf of the National Pot Roast Council, about how everyone in the world loves pot roast. Even vegetarians, I guess. Richard asks Rory if she's having a good time. Rory says she is. Richard says it's nice to be able to show this place to another Gilmore generation. He tells Rory a story about the time that Lorelai was ten and declared that she was going to go to Yale just like he did. She took his diploma off the wall and put it in her room for the six months. "This place makes you remember things," he says. "Hopefully things you're being graded on." Emily and Lorelai enter from the bathroom and say that everything's fixed. Richard asks if they're ready to continue. Lorelai begs them not to show her the vending machine where she was conceived. Richard sighs and takes Emily's hand. Rory gives Richard a look. An awkward fade to commercial that leaves me wondering why Lorelai had to ruin the nice moment they had going on.
Big giant "Yale" room. Lorelai says it's so big it makes her want to open a checking account. Richard says that this is the main administration building, where all of the deans' offices are located. He leads the women over to his trap: the admissions office. He's rigged an interview for Rory to start right at that moment with one of his old Poofs, who happens to be the dean of admissions. Emily, Lorelai, and Rory are immediately upset. Richard says he told the dean all about how great a student Rory is, and the dean can't wait to meet her. Rory says she didn't apply to Yale. Richard says he told the dean that she hadn't decided yet, and that she's being very picky. That made Yale want her even more. As Richard checks his watch and notes that the interview is to take place immediately, Lorelai shakes her head while Emily nods her head, both women wearing the same disgusted expression. Richard offers to walk Rory in. Lorelai steps up and tells Rory that she doesn't have to do this. "Well, of course she's going to go in there," Richard says. Lorelai -- first stressing that Rory's the only person she's speaking to -- repeats that Rory doesn't have to go in there. She says they can leave now if she wants. Rory says that it's okay, and that she'll go in. As Lorelai and Emily stand with the same crossed-arm look of fury, Richard tells Rory that the dean is a very nice man, and that they'll hit it off. He walks her into the dean's office.
Lorelai and Emily stand there for a few seconds, speechless with rage. Emily tries to change the subject, to talk about her skirt. She tries to talk to Lorelai, but Lorelai shakes her head. Richard walks back out, beaming, bragging that Rory walked right up and shook the dean's hand. "I swear, that girl!" he chuckles. Lorelai says she almost feels like a standing ovation is in order. Richard says that if Lorelai's going to get dramatic, they should step outside, since the "Yale" hall has an echo. Lorelai asks what he thought he was doing. Richard says he thought he was helping his granddaughter get into what he thought was the best Ivy League school in America. Lorelai reminds him that Rory doesn't want to go there. Richard says that Rory doesn't know what she wants -- that she wasn't informed enough to know what she wanted. Lorelai says that he tricked Rory by cornering her without Lorelai around. Richard says he knows that the last thing Lorelai would ever want is for Rory to go to Yale, since that's where Richard went. "Oh, that's right," Lorelai says. "The crazy reason." Richard says he just wanted Rory to know all of her options. Lorelai notes that he's supposed to slap her face with a glove before he does this. Richard takes a seat, saying he's not going to discuss this with her. "You lied to everybody, Dad," Lorelai says. Emily asks Lorelai to calm down. Richard says that this is for Rory's own good. Lorelai says that Rory's going to Harvard. She's doing it without his help and decided this without his input because this isn't his decision to make. Richard apologizes for the way he did it, but says he's not apologizing for giving Rory this opportunity. Lorelai says Richard has tried to control Lorelai all of her life, and when he couldn't control something, he just didn't deal with it: "When you couldn't control me, you didn't deal with me." Richard says this has nothing to do with Lorelai, and that is about Rory and Rory's education. "Which frankly, Lorelai, is something you know nothing about." "Excuse me?" Lorelai asks, indignantly. "You never went to college!" Richard shouts, standing up. "Let alone an Ivy League college. You don't know the first thing about the system, the way it works. I do. I went through it. You want Rory to go to Harvard that badly? Well, so do thousands of other mothers! Yale is an excellent school. Equal with Harvard in every way except one. I went here. I'm an alumnus. That makes it easier for Rory to get in. And if you had any idea about how the system works, you'd know this." Lorelai says she knew he was going to get to the "my daughter's a loser, poor me" part of the speech. Richard says he's not going to leave Rory's education to chance simply to avoid offending Lorelai: "Her future is more important than her pride. If you don't like that, then I'm sorry. If it makes you angry, well, what else is new? But that, my dear girl, is the way it is." Lorelai tells Emily she's calling a cab. "We're leaving."
Emily follows Lorelai out of the hall. Nothing else to say there, just a good scene. I do think that Richard has a point, even if he went about it all wrong. It makes no sense for Rory to put all of her hopes into Harvard when she hasn't looked at any other options. She should make sure that's the school that stands out even when she's offered other opportunities. Otherwise, it's like if she married CuteDean on their first anniversary. She'd never know if there was something out there that would have made her happier...like the guy she'll date after Jess...whose name just might be CuteDean. See? CuteDean is Harvard. Jess is Yale.
Emily begs Lorelai to get off her cell phone and talk to her. Lorelai keeps calling Information, asking for a cab number, hanging up, forgetting the number, and calling again. Lorelai asks if Emily cares that Richard lied to her, too. "That is between me and your father," Emily answers. "Great, whatever," Lorelai says, trying to remember the number. Emily asks her to calm down and look at the situation from Richard's point of view. He's a very strong-willed man: "You know this, Lorelai. You take after him." She says he only wants the best for Rory. Lorelai hangs up her phone and says it doesn't really matter what he thinks. It's about what Lorelai thinks and what Rory thinks. Well, he did pay for Rory's schooling up to now. He should have some sort of influence, if not input, right? Emily says there's no harm in Rory's taking a meeting at Yale, adding that if Yale wanted Rory, it would only make her more attractive to Harvard. Lorelai tells Emily to stop making excuses for Richard. Emily asks Lorelai not to turn this into another crusade against Lorelai's childhood. She says Lorelai needs to let it go and realize that Richard's intentions were honorable. Lorelai says that sometimes she sits around and wonders why she has such a crappy relationship with Richard, and then he pulls a stunt like this and it all comes crashing back to her. Emily sing-songs, "Fine, Lorelai. Your father's a demon. He's cruel and out to destroy your happiness." She adds: "But think about this. You're fighting so hard to send Rory off to Harvard, no matter what, that you haven't even stopped for one second to consider that if she went to Yale she could live at home. Consider that on your cab ride." Lorelai walks off, still calling a cab.
Rory finishes her meeting. She and the dean make small talk about a book Rory has recommended, telling him that despite the Oprah seal on the cover, it's still a really good book. The dean compliments Richard on such a fine specimen of a granddaughter. When will Rory stop putting her hands inside her sweaters, hunching over and mumbling? It makes her look like she hates herself so much. ["I said that before she went in; Yale will never accept a girl with posture that terrible." -- Wing Chun] The dean shakes Rory's hand, then Richard's hand, and leaves. Richard tells Rory it sounded like the meeting went very well. Rory is upset. "Why did you make this appointment without telling me about it?" she asks. Richard says he knows that this interview upset her mother, but that it was an important opportunity. Rory says she knows it was an important opportunity, and that she would have taken the interview if he'd just asked her to do it; that way she would have had time to prepare. She could have come in there with her transcripts and letters of recommendation, brushed her hair, and not worn jeans. She would have been calm and collected, and not so nervous that she forgot her major when the dean asked. Richard says that none of this matters. "It matters to me," she says. "I like to be prepared. This has nothing to do with Mom." She says she would have taken the meeting if he had asked her, and she would have done it right. Lorelai walks up and announces that the cab is meeting them at the gate. Rory leaves. She says goodbye to Emily. "Goodbye, Rory," she says. "Don't you even look at me," Emily snits to Richard as she walks past him.
Lorelai and Rory get out of the cab, a bag of tacos in Lorelai's hand. Lorelai comments that the cab ride cost all of Rory's tuition. They small-talk over never saying the word "college" again, and whether or not saying "college" is like saying "collage." Rory says she should have listened to Lorelai about today. Lorelai says even she didn't see this coming.
Once inside Luke's, Rory says she can't believe she had a meeting at Yale today, and she really can't believe that the only name that popped into her head when he asked for her role model was Gloria Estefan. Lorelai notes that Rory isn't so good under pressure. They're very happy with their tacos from Hector's, though. Luke's not so happy about it, when he walks up with two coffee cups and finds the girls pulling food out of a bag. Lorelai offers Luke some tacos, but he points out that they're currently in a building where he makes food to sell to people who come less prepared to his establishment. He tells them at least to order coffee. Lorelai decides that coffee and tacos sound just disgusting enough to work.
Jess walks up and says hi. Rory says hi back. Luke has my favorite line here: "Please. I'll finish it. Hi, hi, hi, hi." Jess says he has to run out and get a part for his car. Luke tells him to get a receipt this time. Jess says he'll be back. Lorelai asks Luke what the record is for most tacos eaten in a diner that doesn't sell tacos, because if it's less than five, she's about to win. Rory excuses herself to go study, her untouched tacos still wrapped at her place, her sweater still on her chair, dust balls and skid marks in her place. Luke sits down and tells Lorelai that he had a talk with Jess earlier, in the course of which he made some strict rules and now those kids know there won't be any time for them to be alone unsupervised. Lorelai points out that they're alone right now. They used "kid code" to say "Meet me at the previously discussed location." Luke freaks out at the thought of Jess and Rory alone together somewhere. He can't believe that Lorelai let this happen. "I thought you were against this!" he shouts. Lorelai says she thought Luke was all, "This is so great and Rory's gonna change Jess." "What, is she a miracle worker?" Luke asks. "Come on, Lorelai. Wake up. The guy's trouble." He tells Cesar to watch the place while he's gone hunting for them. Lorelai can't believe he's going to roam the streets. Luke can't believe Lorelai isn't going to, and still considers herself a concerned mother. Lorelai offers to let Luke sniff Rory's sweater so he can track her scent. "The things you find amusing astound me sometimes," he says. Luke does grab Rory's sweater, but it's only to return it, because it's cold outside.
Gypsy's. Jess, proving his smarts to us immediately, leans against a gas pump and prepares to light a cigarette. And also, why is he starting smoking now? Do we really need to watch more fake smoking? But see, Jess is in love now, so he's already decided he doesn't need cigarettes anymore, that one television cliché they won't get rid of ever. Love cures smoking. Always. A really bad song is playing in the background as Rory walks up and asks what he's going to do with that cigarette. "Depends," he says. She asks where's the part for his car. Jess pretends he can't believe Gypsy didn't leave the part for him like she said she would. More small talk. Rory asks what smoking the cigarette depends on. "What's going to happen," Jess says. "When?" Rory asks. "Now," Jess says. He pulls her in and they kiss. Rory kisses Jess much more open-mouthedly than she ever kissed CuteDean. They stop kissing and Rory says she's really glad Jess decided not to smoke the cigarette. They kiss again and Jess slowly, slowly, deliberately, carefully puts the cigarette in his pocket to smoke later. Maybe it's not love, after all. Jess says, "Well, if nothing else happens between us, at least we know that part works." He's...kind of looking at his crotch as he says that. You make the call. Rory pulls away and says she has to go. Ah, there's the Rory we know. Jess asks if he did something. Rory says this was wonderful and she looks forward to many similar occurrences in the future but she has to go right now. "Understand?" she asks. "Not at all." Rory says it's more fun this way. He kisses her goodbye and tells her to beat it. She leaves, so he can.
Rory climbs a tree and over to the window of...CuteDean. Y'all, someone needs to fire an art director. "A boy's room? I've never done a boy's room. I guess...what would teen boys like? Hmm...One dart board. Uh...one baseball flag-looking thing that they have in bars. One...picture of a guy playing football. Drew Bledsoe? I love Drew Barrymore, so this'll work. Oh, it's so boy-like and rugged! Great!" Rory knocks on Dean's gigantic, screenless window. Dean stops reading Sports Illustrated and walks over to the window hesitantly, as if at any moment Jess is going to drop down from the roof and start grabbing Rory's boobs. He opens the window. Rory says hello. He asks what she's doing. She says she climbed the tree. "Why?" he asks. Rory says she was afraid that his mom wouldn't let her in, since she probably knows about their breakup and hates Rory. CuteDean says he hasn't told his mother yet. Rory babbles that eventually his mother will know, and the thought of her eventually hating Rory really sucks, because Rory likes his mom. Dean, actually, looks upset about the breakup, because he was the only one in that relationship for a while. Rory figures that Dean will probably tell his sister, too, and that then Clara will hate her. "Well, too bad, Rory," Dean says. "Somebody doesn't like you for once." Ooh! Nice one. I love CuteDean 3.0, y'all. He asks what she wants. Rory makes a lame comment about that girl who lived in a tree for a year. CuteDean starts to shut his window, saying he's got to go. Rory: "I want to say that I'm sorry." Dean: "For what?" Rory: "For treating you the way I did. For all the things you said. I am so, so sorry. It's all my fault. I don't know what's wrong with me. You were the most amazing boyfriend in the world. You made me so happy. You made me laugh. You made my mother like you. You were nice to my friends. You protected me. You even came with me to that stupid debutante ball." CuteDean stops her, saying he doesn't need the list. Good thing, because the would have to be, "You put up with me kissing Tristan. Then I went and kissed another boy a different time. I like kissing boys that aren't you." Rory says, "I really did love you." We all note the past tense form of the verb together. "Please believe that." CuteDean asks, "You with...him now?" Rory says she doesn't want to talk about him. "I just came to tell you that I'm truly sorry that I hurt you and that I'm going to miss you so much and I just hope that some day you won't hate me anymore." CuteDean lets out a big sigh and says, "I hope so, too." He shuts the window in Rory's face. He doesn't close the curtain, however, so she sits there watching him ignore her. Yeah. Take that, Rory. And hey, Jess? Nice that your kisses make her want to apologize to her ex-boyfriend. They remind her of shame.
Lorelai brings Rory some Ovaltine and warns her not to study so hard that she goes mad, grows a big brain and tries to take over the universe, since Lorelai needs to go shoe shopping this weekend. Rory promises not to go mad until Lorelai gets some boots. Lorelai starts to leave, but asks how the rest of the night went. Rory says it was eventful. Lorelai starts to go again, but Rory promises to tell her all the details tomorrow. Lorelai is relieved, saying that these things keep her from sleeping, making her worry that she shouldn't have left her alone that first day in kindergarten. Rory reminds Lorelai that she was fine that first day; it was Lorelai who didn't want to leave. Lorelai says that this is just another example of how she invents crazy reasons for Rory to hold out on her when she holds out on her. They kiss goodnight. Rory takes a sip and goes back to studying.
In bed, Rory turns off the light and sits in the dark. She turns it back on again, grabs a Yale pamphlet, and tries to figure out how she's going to date two boys at once who both live in Stars Hollow, while she still lives with her codependent mother and take eighteen hours of credit, all in one season.
In the room, Lorelai reads the Yale pamphlet, too, figuring out with a ruler how many miles each building is from her front doorstep, calculating how many miles of apron string she'll need to buy at the fabric store tomorrow.
week: Boys, boys, boys!