Previously on Gilmore Girls: Rory. CuteDean. Jess. Shane. Lane. Dave. We. Know. Let's. Go.
Can I also say it's not fair to put the last shot of the episode in the teaser? It's not like I can't figure out what's going to happen.
Okay, there's a little confusion here. The banner that we open with says: "Join us for the 50th annual Stars Hollow 24hr Dance Marathon." You'll see the confusion in a second. Swing music helps us pan down to Stars Hollow, where those pumpkins have to be getting a little ripe. A sign informs us that the marathon will be from Saturday at 6 AM to Sunday at 6 AM in the new-to-us Stars Hollow High Gymnasium. I guess putting it in the dance studio would have been too easy. As we pan around lovely, homey Stars Hollow, we hear Luke and Lorelai debate whether pale means sickly or not, and whether pale is a sign of Mad Cow Disease. We also see another sign informing us that we can sign up for the dance contest at Doose's Market.
Continuing into Luke's, Lorelai tells Luke that she needs a great dance partner this year: "Someone strong, non-klutzy, with lots of stamina." I really feel gypped that in the three years of this show this is the first dance contest episode. Wouldn't it have been great to have it all three years? Lorelai: "How tall's that guy?" Luke: "Mrs. Coulter's about six-two." Lorelai then complains that she's lost the dance contest four years in a row. She says she came very close to winning last year; she almost had it. "I know the story," Luke says. Lorelai: "It was Hour 23." "I know the story," Luke says. "And I'm dancing with Henry 'Ho-Ho' MacAfee the Third," Lorelai continues. Luke asks the restaurant how many people heard him say he knows the story; everyone raises his hand. Lorelai's going on about how Ho-Ho was fading, so she tried to buck him up, cheering, "Come on, Ho-Ho. Stay with me, Ho-Ho." But all that talk of Ho-Hos made him hungry. "Oh, hey, look!" Luke points out the window. "There's Tommy Tune!" Lorelai continues, saying that Kirk came waltzing by at that moment waving a McDonald's hot apple pie in the air and Ho-Ho was a goner. Now the real question: when did Stars Hollow get a McDonald's? Lorelai says she wants to win and needs a partner. Luke tells her to keep looking. Lorelai gives a smile and a moan to Luke, who turns her head to face out the window once again. He leaves to get her pancakes.
The door opens and it's Taylor. "Breathe in deep, folks! Smells like fall!" Luke immediately answers, "Get out, Taylor." Hee. Taylor actually says, "Oh...pf...you," which is the closest this show's ever come to really cursing. Taylor asks Luke if he'll set up a coffee stand at the dance marathon. Since everyone's going to be staying up all night and day they'll need coffee to keep them going. Luke agrees to do it...for a buck a cup. Taylor says the marathon is for charity. Luke is pretty testy, and says they've been raising money to restore "that stupid bridge" for eight years. Taylor says they've had the money for the bridge a while ago, and their Tennessee Williams-lookalike contest put them over the edge on that. Now they're raising money to buy a tarp for the bridge. Luke: "This is a first, Taylor. I actually need to sit down." He does so, still holding a plate of someone's food. Taylor explains that they're about to go into the renovations just as winter's starting, and if they don't have something to cover the bridge all their work will get ruined by the upcoming snowstorms. Luke repeats: "Taylor, you are asking me to donate free coffee to hundreds of people so you can raise money to buy a tarp." Yep, that's what he said. Taylor asks for fifty cents a cup. Luke threatens to charge for cream. Taylor: "You would kick Tiny Tim's crutch out from under him, wouldn't you?" Luke: "If he asked for a free cup of coffee, Gimpy's going down." Remember when they had exactly the same argument over the Christmas carolers?
Luke hands Lorelai her pancakes as Taylor storms out of the restaurant. Lorelai gets all excited, hands floating around her face as she wonders who Taylor's dancing with. It fades to black without a witty comeback from Luke for some reason, so I'll add one: "Same as every year. The devil."
It's our first Friday dinner in a while. Lorelai is complementing Emily on the chicken, as if Emily had anything to do with its preparation. Emily thanks her. Lorelai goes on: "It's like, super chicken. I bet it could fly. Have you tried tossing it out the window?" Sometimes I wonder if Emily thinks Lorelai does drugs. Sometimes it appears that Lorelai takes a lot of drugs. Emily asks what's going on, since nobody ever likes chicken that much. See? Lorelai says she's in a good mood. Emily asks why. Lorelai says this is her ninth-grade Homecoming dance all over again. She tells Rory how she was happy about getting asked to the dance so she was in a good mood. Emily got so annoyed that she sent Lorelai to her room. "She was sitting at the table giving all the peas voices," Emily explains. Lorelai says with a little encouragement she would have been the Señor Wences of the vegetable set. Lorelai announces that she found a dance partner. Emily's somehow never heard of this four-year/fifty-year marathon that Lorelai obsesses over every year, so they explain it to her. Emily then gives a small PSA about how important it is to participate in charitable events. Lorelai's new partner is brand-new to Stars Hollow, of course. His name is Stanley Appleman, and he used to be a dancer for Riverdance. He works at the hardware store (Stanley, get it?). Why isn't anyone making fun of the Riverdancer? Lorelai makes her new potato talk about how jazzed it is.
Lorelai's cell phone goes off, so Stanley can immediately cancel. Emily begins to nag Lorelai, saying she's told Lorelai a hundred times not to leave that thing on at dinner. Lorelai makes up a lie about Michel (Michel! I miss you! Why were you not dancing? You would have been the perfect partner!) being all alone at the Inn on a Friday night with roofers, which makes no sense. Emily asks Rory if Lorelai is lying, and Rory says she'll leave this one for the potato to answer. So, of course, Stanley has told Lorelai that he can't be her partner because his wife saw a picture of her. Lorelai, in the fastest one-sided conversation we've ever heard, tells Stanley that she doesn't want to sleep with him. She says it a couple more times. Stanley gets insulted and hangs up.
Lorelai pouts back to the table and explains that Stanley bailed because Miss Patty showed his wife a picture of Lorelai. Mrs. Appleman thinks Lorelai looks like Elizabeth Taylor, "which makes her Debbie Reynolds and Stanley Eddie Fisher." Rory thinks that's crazy. Lorelai: "Especially if you've seen Stanley. He's no Eddie Fisher. Trust me. Fisher Stevens, maybe." Emily says it's nice to be told you look like Elizabeth Taylor. Lorelai pouts that she has to find another partner. Rory says she's sure Lorelai will find another one. Emily points out that Elizabeth Taylor always did. She hands Lorelai more chicken and says that she'll let Lorelai make her asparagus talk later if she'd like. Lorelai pouts, "No, maybe week."
Chilton. Lockers. Paris wants to discuss working on Saturday, since the 75th annual issue of The Franklin is coming out. Behind Rory, Louisa and Fraulein are making out with boys. Rory says she's got some great cover art for it, a collage-style thing with sepia tones. "Time!" Paris says as she checks her watch, and the two girls stop making out with their boys. Fraulein asks what they're talking about. As they walk down the hallway, Paris tells them that they're going to work Saturday on the upcoming issue. Fraulein says she's sure they already have some decent stuff picked out. Paris asks if she can call Fraulein "Spicoli." "If you have to," she answers. Paris explains that this is the only 75th anniversary issue and it's on their watch. If they screw this up, they've basically ruined a part of history. "Is that what you want?" she asks. "To BA history?" Heh. Fraulein says that last year was the 74th anniversary issue and it wasn't such a big deal. Louisa points out that the cover art was a deep-fried Mars bar. Paris says that nobody cares about the 74th anniversary issue. "I bet the person that worked on it seventy-four years ago does," Fraulein counters. Paris says they're working Saturday and stomps off. By the way, Francie got her petition passed -- the skirts are way shorter than they used to be.
Paris and Rory continue down the hall, Paris incensed at the stupid questions the girls were asking her: "Why does my head feel so light, and yet not float away, Paris?" She stops when she sees Jamie leaning oh-so-Princeton-ly against a wall, staring at Paris, smiling. Paris asks what he's doing there. Rory says he's probably there to see her. Paris tells Rory that he hasn't called her once and she hasn't seen him since their date in Washington last summer. Rory says he might want to explain why. Paris says that he was supposed to go away and never come back; she's even already written his name in her revenge notebook. Rory says he knows she's standing here talking about him, so she might as well go over there and find out what he wants.
Paris stomps over to Jamie. "What do you want?" she asks. Jamie says he's on break from school, so he thought he'd come down and see her. Paris points out that he's never called her, even though he memorized her number. Jamie explains that school had started up and this year is important for him, so he didn't want any distractions. Paris counters that his is also an important year for her, and that she's glad not to have any distractions. She's all "bully for you" for being so smart, deciding for both of them the best thing, and shakes Jamie's hand. Jamie won't let Paris have her hand back, though. He asks how fast she'd run away if he let go. "3.2 seconds," Paris answers. Jamie says hello to Rory. The male extra behind Rory is cracking me up. He's so totally animated, very happy to be on this show, happy to be in a shot. Just laughing and talking with wild eyes and a bobbing head. Paris tells Jamie that he doesn't have to be nice and tie up loose ends: "I get it. I'm a distraction. Now, either pull a Boxing Helena or give me back my hand." Jamie tells Paris that as much as he thought he was making the right decision, he can't stop thinking about her. He tells her that he flunked a pop quiz in Poly Sci. "Still want you hand back?" he asks. "I've got another," she answers. He says he's thought a lot about this and she's apparently a distraction he's supposed to have. Paris asks, "You didn't have a bad time on our date?" Jamie asks if she's busy right now. Before Paris can answer, Rory tells him that she's not. Jamie takes Paris's books and says, "Let's go get some coffee." He says goodbye to Rory as he walks off. "He took my books," Paris says to Rory. "Well, go get them back," Rory says. I really love the relationship they made Rory and Paris have, where they're competitive, but they show their weak sides. I wish that Rory had confided in Paris about her Jess/Dean thing so that Paris could have written a report with postulates and theorems mathematically proving which boy is better for Rory.
Hello, CuteDean! I've missed you. Lane, Rory, and CuteDean are in Rory's living room. Rory and CuteDean are keeping a respectable distance between them as they eat pizza. Lane is calling Dave's house, hanging up once he answers. CuteDean says he knows it's a stupid question, but he wonders why Lane can't just talk to him. Lane tells CuteDean that Dave called yesterday to say that they were still looking for a rehearsal space, and that he'd call when he had more news. If she called today, she'd just look desperate and he'd know that she likes him. Rory says that she used to do the same thing to Dean. CuteDean asks why she hung up on him and didn't say anything. Rory says he'd know that she liked him. CuteDean says he liked her too. Rory didn't know that, though. CuteDean points out that they could have just started liking each other sooner if she had spoken up. Rory says this is a girl thing, so CuteDean tells them to let him know when he's supposed to pay attention again. Lane says she's going to love Dave forever and he'll never know it. CuteDean, "He would if you coughed." Rory chastises CuteDean for making a joke and CuteDean says, "Sorry," just like he's Matt Damon. Lane says it's a good thing that Dave's home and not out with a girl. CuteDean speculates that Dave could be home with a girl. This causes the two girls to freak out, and Lane decides to call again, this time paying attention to the background noises. You know, we can't play this game anymore, the calling and hanging up thing, because of both Caller ID and *69. Hasn't Amy Sherman-Palladino realized that? There's no anonymity in stalking anymore. Lorelai smells pizza and pushes herself into a tiny corner of the couch so that all the actors are all in the frame. Rory fills Lorelai in on what Lane's doing. CuteDean mentions that he suggested she talk to Dave, and Lorelai says that CuteDean's a boy who wouldn't understand. Lane heard Quadrophenia in the background. Rory declares it "classy, but not date-like." CuteDean worries that perhaps Dave met a girl who's a major Who fan. "Why are you causing trouble?" Rory asks. Lorelai asks Rory if she can talk to her in the other room, which sounds like someone's in trouble or bad things are going to be discussed, but no. Lorelai and Rory leave. Lane sits beside CuteDean, still holding the phone. "Go ahead," CuteDean says to Lane, taking another bite of pizza. Lane dials the phone again.
Lorelai is giggling as she sits at the kitchen table. She tells Rory she's figured out who her dance partner should be. Lorelai stares at Rory. "Bye!" Rory says, starting to stand up. Lorelai reminds Rory that she loves Lorelai. "Not at this moment, I don't," Rory says. Lorelai says that this contest is important to her, and that she knows that Rory would never fall asleep or chase a pie. Rory says she can't dance. Lorelai says they'll dress up and it'll be fun. She points out that Rory's light, so she'll be easy to hold up when she gets tired. Rory moans a "Mom!" Lorelai adds that they'll have a "mother/daughter gimmick" that'll be a real crowd-pleaser. Rory says she can't dance with Lorelai because this is (somehow) Dean's first marathon: "We were gonna go and watch and hang out and he's totally looking forward to it. I told him how Andrew gets into a fight with his date in the first fifteen minutes and storms off the floor. I told him about Taylor getting punch-drunk at Hour 15 and telling stories about how he always wanted to be a magician. And, oh! I told him how when Kirk wins he likes to take his victory lap around the floor to the theme from Rocky. I was gonna show him all those things." And now, since Rory told us about it all, we don't have to see them, either. Of course, Lorelai doesn't care about anybody else's cares and desires, so she pouts until Rory caves, because Rory will pick just about anybody before she'll pick Dean. Rory says she'll have to ask Paris if she can get out of working on The Franklin on Saturday, and if Paris says yes, then she'll be Lorelai's partner. Lorelai hugs Rory and tells her that she loves her. "You should sell cars," Rory pouts. Lorelai agrees. Why aren't Rory and Dean entering the contest? Lorelai is very happy that she's going to win a big, fancy trophy.
Chilton. Paris is late for Chem class. The teacher can't believe it. Paris says she overslept and that it won't happen again. Rory walks over and says, "There's this big event that's happening in my town..." "Pig race?" Paris asks. "Dance marathon," Rory answers. "I was close," Paris says. My favorite part of the episode, right there. Rory explains the marathon and Paris says they'll reschedule the meeting. Louisa and Fraulein look up from their microscopes in unison. "What did she just say?" Fraulein asks. "I don't know," Louisa answers. "What did you say?" she asks Paris. "I said yes," Paris says. "She said yes," Fraulein repeats. Frantically, Louisa and Fraulein begin looking for dates for Saturday, asking out every boy in class. Rory comments that Paris must have had a good time with Jamie yesterday, since she's blushing and can't stop smiling. Paris says she and Jamie went for coffee and he talked about how great a time he had on their date. He finds her fascinating and he can't stop thinking about her. Rory says, "Wow. He likes you." "I left an impression," Paris explains. She wonders aloud why Jamie would want to date her, when she's in high school and neither blonde, tanned, nor easy like college girls. "Well, Jamie must be special," Rory concludes. "Or Ted Bundy," Paris adds. "Absolutely," Rory says. "It's either one or the other." Paris asks Rory to keep this a secret from Fraulein and Louisa, because as soon as they catch wind they'll be singing the "Trojan Man" theme song. I wish Paris and Jamie were dancing in the contest.
It's early Saturday morning (sorry, Emily!), and the girls are all dressed up in their '40s finest, walking to the marathon. Rory's practically asleep on Lorelai's shoulder. They look really pretty. "No sun," Rory moans. "Well, he's not up yet," Lorelai says, pretty damn perky for this hour. Rory says she can't open her eyes. Lorelai says there's nothing to see anyway, just Kirk in a Speedo, Taylor in a skirt, and Al in ass-less chaps. Rory moans that she'll never be able to close her eyes again. Babette tells the girls that they look terrific and tells them to go get their physicals done at the table, sign their release forms, and go get a number. Lorelai smiles and brags that Kirk will be crying like a little, teeny girl. "So, what else is new?" Babette Struthers. Lorelai calls Rory "Snoozy," but without the "Kurtz" ending I was predicting.
Sookie finds the girls taking the (long) walk to the physical table. Sookie's dressed up all pretty, and says that Jackson's inside finding a good spot on the dance floor, since they somehow already did their physicals. So much information we don't need! Lorelai wishes she had someone to find a good spot on the dance floor for her. Lorelai sure is needy. Rory leaves to go say hello to Lane. Lorelai reminds Rory that the sooner she gets inspected, the sooner they'll have coffee. Rory walks away and Sookie grabs Lorelai's arm, telling her solemnly that she has a problem. Lorelai says it's 6 in the morning, which is way too early to already have problems. Sookie tells Lorelai that she made coq au vin for dinner, so of course the subject of children came up. Jackson informed Sookie that he wants "four in four": four kids in four years. Sookie's "ooookay" reaction was interpreted as "Okay!" Now Jackson thinks that Sookie agreed to this. Lorelai asks if Sookie wants four in four. "No," Sookie says. "I mean, I want kids. You know I want kids." She says she was thinking one. Or two if the first one is "really quiet." Lorelai says that Sookie has to tell Jackson about this -- that this is not the fruit bowl that Jackson's mother gave her. Sookie can't just stick four kids in the attic until Christmas. Sookie says she and Jackson haven't ever had a real fight. They're still newlyweds who sneak out in the morning to brush their teeth before they get back into bed and pretend they woke up smelling that fresh. Okay, first of all, they fight all the time. We've seen them fight since before they got married. They had a huge fight about decorating her house. And people don't do that toothpaste thing after the first month of dating, much less the first six months of marriage. "We still put our clothes in the hamper; he pretends he doesn't hear me burp" is much more being newlyweds. Lorelai, always the delicate one, says, "You don’t have much of a marriage if you can't talk about the important things." Sookie asks if she's crazy for not wanting four in four. Lorelai says that four kids is a lot, and that Sookie would have to go four years without a cocktail. That put it all into perspective for Sookie, so she's going to talk to Jackson today. Perhaps while they are forced to spend twenty-four hours touching. What a great idea!
The examination room/infirmary/cafeteria is Miss Patty's studio. Lane is stirring a very large pot of her mother's egg-less egg salad. Every sandwich comes with MamaLane's religious pamphlet: Dancing For the Devil: An Illustrated Look at the Effect of Dancing on Your Chances Of Spending All Eternity in Hell. Rory admires MamaLane's flames, saying that they've really improved. Lane says that her mother got a color printer this year, and that it really changed everything. MamaLane walks in and tells Lane to start scooping the sandwiches, since the minute air hits the bread it starts going stale. Rory tells Lane she'll stop by later to say hi. "You have a pamphlet?" MamaLane asks. "Yes, I do," Rory says. MamaLane hands Rory another, and with a pointed look, says, "For your mother."
Rory walks over to Lorelai for the physical. The woman running the physical says, "Lorelai Gilmore? You don't look like you've recently suffered a face-altering car crash. You're also supposed to have buckteeth, a club foot, and alopecia." See, she's Stanley Appleman's wife. Lorelai says that Stanley said the nicest things about his wife that one time they stood very far away from each other and talked about how great his wife is. Lorelai worries that this is going to impair her changes of passing her physical.
Gymnasium. Pan down from the disco ball as Taylor reads off the rules. Any couple without a number will be disqualified. All couples must be touching and remain standing at all times. They must also be moving at all times. The only time they can stop moving is when the horn blows, which signifies a ten-minute break. Every person has also been issued an emergency ten-minute yellow card, which can be used to excuse the person with the card for ten minutes at any time, as long as the other person in the couple remains dancing on the floor. Contestants are getting ready, the band's warming up, the coats are getting checked, the dance is about to start. According to Taylor's giant scorecard, there are 156 couples participating. It sure doesn't look like that many to me. Taylor tells everyone to lace those shoes and pin those curls because there's only three minutes left before the contest begins. I don't know about these dancers, but I'd be sitting down as much as I could until it was time to dance. I'd be wheeling myself in, saving up the energy. In the background behind Taylor, we see a poster board with pictures of the past champions. There are only four past champions. So I guess that 50th annual boasting banner in the beginning was a mistake.
Lorelai pushes Rory over to Luke's coffee table. Bad news: the coffee isn't ready yet. Lorelai pouts until Luke hands her his secret Thermos stash. Rory and Lorelai are very happy to have the coffee. Taylor calls everyone to the floor with a two-minute warning.
[Indistinct conversations] my closed-captioning tells me are happening as we watch the dancers warm up, spin around, and prepare for some hoofing. Kirk and Lorelai do a little Kenickie and Danny face-off, with Kirk's Cha Cha waiting patiently to the side. Kirk sasses off as Lorelai says, "He's going down." Rory: "I hate to bring this up, but Kirk has very little in his life. He has no career, no girlfriend, no car. He lives with his mother; she won't even let him have his own key. The only thing he does have in his whole pathetic, lonely existence is this marathon. If we win, if we take him down, if we take away that last little piece of dignity, then we leave him with nothing." Lorelai: "I wonder if he'll cry." Rory: "My mother, the Howard Roark of Stars Hollow." Taylor begins the countdown. They count back from ten and launch into a big 'ol dancefest. Now, seriously, y'all, it's 6 in the morning. Calm down. People are flipping and spinning to that Big Band song that's not "In the Mood." Some people are dressed up, some aren't. Everyone's dancing like they're getting paid to do it. Much swing dancing. Babette and Morey spin. Andrew's dressed like a Soldier Boy. Jackson and Sookie dance. Kirk's breaking out into a mean Charleston. Swing dancing, swing dancing, swing dancing. Beautiful babies, all money, everywhere. The ref wears roller skates, looking like he just rolled out of Foot Locker. Is the band going to play for twenty-four hours? Because that's much more impressive. Babette squats and Morey does a spin-kick over her back. "I'm done. Let's go," Babette says. They walk off. Dancing, spinning, clarinet solo.
Noon. 127 couples remain. Slower song, now. Kirk and Cha Cha flit past. Lorelai reminds Kirk that dancing is supposed to be fun. "You know what will be fun, Lorelai?" Kirk asks. "Jogging around your prostrate body with that shiny temple of silver importance hoisted in the air for all to see. That will be fun." Lorelai wonders if serious Kirk is more disturbing than non-serious Kirk. Rory says she thinks they're about the same. Lorelai dances Rory over to CuteDean, who I guess just rolled up and out of bed at noon. Thanks for stepping up, Dean. He's wearing a t-shirt with a number on it. Appropriately, that number isn't Rory's. It's almost Kirk's. CuteDean asks how it's going. Rory says it's been pretty quiet so far. Five hours and forty-five minutes too late, Andrew suddenly gets into a fight with his dance partner, outraged that she slept with Liam Neeson at one point in her life. "I don't believe that (a) you actually went out with Liam Neeson and (b) that you would choose to tell me now at this moment that you went out with Liam Neeson!" As he runs off the dance floor, we hear Andrew complain, "I can't stand Liam Neeson!" Rory asks Dean, "See? Fun!" Lorelai: "And no one's even thrown up yet." CuteDean offers to bench himself, making himself the ultimate metaphor, watching Rory dance from the sidelines. "Maybe I'll get lucky," he speculates. You will if you sit over here, big boy. Sorry. Ignore me. Lorelai says, "Oh, that's sweet. Spectator Ken." Hee. Kirk flips Cha Cha right in front of Lorelai, who quips that it's not the Olympics -- it's who's left standing at the end and not how fancy you are getting there. Kirk dances off and Lorelai tells Rory to let her flip her. Rory won't be flipped. "You flip me," Lorelai says. Rory tells her to keep quiet.
"Unauthorized persons on the dance floor," Taylor announces, as Jess and Shane sulk through the contestants, making a beeline to the other side of the gym, right in front of Rory. Somehow Rory's on both sides of the gym at once. Taylor calls for Security, but sadly, nobody manhandles Jess out of the room. Rory squints and pouts and makes stink-eyes in his direction. Lorelai comments that Jess is suddenly interested in dance. Rory calls him a regular Martha Graham. "[scoffs]," says the closed captioning. Rory and Jess keep eye contact, so Jess puts his arm around Probawhore and pulls her in by the neck for some mugging. Her "What's going on?" moment right before he starts sucking on her face is pretty good. Rory fumes and fumes and fumes, CuteDean getting smaller and smaller in the distance.
Confesion time. I've never seen one episode of Smallville, The West Wing, Angel, Alias, 24, The Amazing Race anything beginning with C.S.I. or that has a colon after the words Law and Order. I've never watched The Practice, Felicity, Providence, Judging Amy, Crossing Jordan, or any title that's a gerund followed by someone's name. I've never seen any of the Big Brothers or one episode of Survivor. I watched thirty seconds of American Idol and assumed that nobody would watch that crap for ten minutes. And here we go, the "I've never seen Return of the Jedi" of my television confessions: I've never watched one minute of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Whew. That felt really good. Do you still like me? Are we still friends? You're mad that I've never seen Jedi, right? Well, Lord of the Rings made me sleepier than a bathtub of lavender. That's it. I've alienated all of you, huh?
8 PM. Forty-five couples remaining. Rory's pretty much asleep on Lorelai's shoulder. I can't believe she's not holding a book, studying in the crook of Lorelai's arm. Lorelai makes Rory look alive when Kirk comes dancing past. Jess is staring at Rory. CuteDean is pouting at Rory. Shane is staring at her shoes, thinking about stamps. Rory asks how much longer, and Lorelai tells her to keep her chin up. She says there should be a break pretty soon. Jackson and Sookie dance over to Lorelai. It's pretty clear that Jackson is pissed off at Lorelai, but Sookie's asking him to not talk about it here. He asks Lorelai what she thinks about his hair: "Any opinion?" Sookie tells him he's overreacting. "You think? How 'bout you, Lorelai? You think I'm overreacting?" Jackson snaps. The horn is blown, but instead of the break, it's "The Runaround." Everyone must run, holding their partner, in a circle around the gymnasium. When the music stops, the five couples in the back are disqualified. Taylor heatedly explains the rules into the megaphone as Patty tells him he's getting too much pleasure out of this.
I like this scene. Everybody's running, and Jackson runs up and asks Lorelai if she has an opinion on his running. Lorelai asks what's going on. Sookie says that he's mad and taking it out on Lorelai instead of on Sookie. Jackson has the great line: "Oh, I'm not mad. I just didn't realize that when I married Sookie, I also married [Lorelai]. I didn't realize I was a Mormon. My mistake." Rory interjects for a second to say that she hates Lorelai. Sookie tells Jackson to quit dragging Lorelai into this. Jackson says, "Fine," and runs off the dance floor. Sookie tosses two yellow cards into the air and runs off behind him. Taylor notes that they're totally disqualified. Rory is now falling into Lorelai, moaning that she's going to die. Lorelai says that, every year, she blocks this part out. Rory promises to remind her year. Kirk runs up right behind them. Lorelai asks what he's doing. "I'm drafting you," he answers. "Well, stop it!" Lorelai shouts. "You can't tell me where to run!" Kirk shrieks. Love it. The ten-minute horn blows. Everyone falls to the ground. Where's CuteDean with some water, a towel, food? Hello? Little help, here? Rory tries to kick Lorelai, but her foot's too weak. She decides to owe her one. Lorelai says she has to go find Jackson and Sookie. Rory says she'll go get them a couple of sandwiches. Ew. Those things are fourteen hours old. Lorelai picks up Rory and asks, "This is fun, huh?" Rory snots, "Uh huh. Big fun."
In the infirmary, the couple that has been showcased the entire show without talking make big gestures to each other that their numbers are on straight. Jess enters and finds Lane. He asks if she's too cool to dance. "Go away, Jess. Nobody asked for a Tony Manero wannabe to drop by," she says. Jess says he's just there for the food. Lane hands him a sandwich and tells him to enjoy it. "Bye bye," she adds. Jess says he noticed that Rory isn't dancing with Dean. He asks if there's trouble in paradise. Lane says that Rory's just dancing with her mother, that nothing's wrong with Dean, and that Jess is blocking her sandwiches from the rest of the room. Jess: "I know. They're erecting a statue to me week in the park." MamaLane walks up and demands to know who Jess is. "Jess," he answers. She stares him down until he adds, "Ma'am." MamaLane orders Lane to scoop more. She leaves.
Rory and Dean walk up, and Rory can't stop talking to Jess for a second. She tells him that the sandwiches are for the dancers. Jess says he's dancing on the inside. Rory asks what he's doing there. CuteDean patiently stands listening to all of this, brooding. Jess says he lives there. Rory asks if he has nothing better to do all day than to sit in a gymnasium staring at a dance marathon. Jess says he doesn't know, and asks CuteDean the same question. CuteDean answers: "I wouldn't direct any sort of comment toward me, if I were you." Jess says he's just trying to support his town. Rory tells him to go back to New York, then. Jess: "Ooh, zing! I've been snapped!" Rory says Jess isn't bugging her, sitting there staring at her. Jess asks if Rory thinks she's bugging him, dancing in front of him staring at him. Rory says she's not staring. Jess asks how she knows he's looking at her if she's not. Rory says she's dancing, and cannot control where her gaze goes, but that the few moments she can, she looks at Dean. Jess thinks it's a shame that Rory has to force herself to look at her boyfriend. Dean gives Jess another warning. Rory tells Jess to go home. "No thanks," Jess says. "Then get out of my way," Rory says. Jess says he didn't know he was in Rory's way. See, this is the Jess that I don't like, the Jess that does all of this stuff in front of Dean. It's such an asshole thing to do, and it's cruel. It puts Dean in the uncomfortable situation of not being able to do anything. If he tries to call Jess out he looks like a controlling boyfriend, but if he stands there quietly it looks like he doesn't care. Rory should be strong enough to walk away from Jess and not bitch about him to Dean all day.
Probawhore makes her entrance here, asking where Jess went. She says she's been sitting alone for twenty minutes. "Break's only for ten," Jess says, like he's recapping an episode. "It's just a saying," Probawhore says. Jess says he came to get some food. Rory says again that the food is for the dancers. Probawhore: "Who are you -- Bobby Brady? Get a life." Jess: "Rory's feeling a little territorial today." Jess pointedly pulls Shane to his side, so much so that she stumbles into his ribcage. Rory does the same thing to CuteDean, whose face shows he's not playing this game anymore. He pulls himself out of Rory's grip and tells her to get her things so they can leave. Jess: "Ooh! That was good. Now say, 'And get in there and make me my supper.'" See? What a shit. Rory pushes CuteDean away from Jess before he can say anything and grabs two sandwiches. Why didn't Lane get involved in this conversation? She's standing right there. She totally would have said something. CuteDean puts his arm around Rory as they walk away. Jess says he'll see Rory inside. Probawhore stares at Jess. He takes his arm off her immediately and leaves to get a soda.
Luke's coffee stand. Lorelai asks if he's seen Sookie or Jackson. He hasn't, but suggests she try the insane asylum, where everyone in this room should be. Jackson walks up and tells Lorelai he needs to say something to her. Sookie runs up and asks him to drop it. Jackson: "Contrary to your belief, there are some things in life that you do not get to have an opinion on." He says that the rate at which he has kids and the number of kids he has falls in that category. Lorelai asks Sookie what she told Jackson. Sookie says her communication skills aren't so good. Jackson: "No? Telling Sookie that she immediately needs to inform me that four in four is crazy?" Lorelai says she didn't say that, but she kind of did, didn't she? I mean, she practically called their marriage a sham if Sookie couldn't tell Jackson that she didn't want four in four, and that having that many kids in that kind of time meant no happiness, joy, or booze for many years. ["Which is true, anyway." -- Wing Chun] Luke says that four kids in four years is crazy. Jackson says he's very happy that this issue is now going open for even further discussion. Luke says that even one kid in four years is crazy. "Hey!" Jackson warns. Luke apologizes, and tells them to "drop another kid into this mess." Lorelai tells everyone who isn't helping to raise his hand. Jackson asks if anyone understands that a man has a right not to have his personal life debated in a public forum. "I am not Winona Ryder," he declares. Sookie says she knows that. Lorelai apologizes. Jackson says that his child-bearing plans are between he and Sookie. "And the Lord," Luke adds. Lorelai gives him a look. "Still not helping?" he asks. Sookie asks Jackson to calm down. Jackson says he'll calm down at home. "What about the contest?" Sookie asks. "To hell with the contest!" Jackson shouts. "I'm quitting the contest. That is, if it's okay with Lorelai. Or Luke. Or that strange man in the corner who I've never met. Excuse me, strange man in the corner? Is it okay if I quit this contest?" Oh, they miss the moment for a great joke: the quiet, off-camera "okay" after Jackson storms off. Sookie apologizes to Lorelai for making Jackson hate her so much. Lorelai tells her to go follow her husband. Sookie runs after him. Luke tells Lorelai that Jackson and Sookie are going to make great parents. Taylor sounds the horn and calls the dancers back on the dance floor. Rory brings over some sandwiches. "Let's go," Lorelai says. Fade to commercial as Luke stares at Lorelai longingly.
5 AM. Six couples remaining. Rory and Lorelai have their heads together, quietly swaying to the music, mostly asleep. "In the Mood" plays in the background. One man falls back, asleep. His dance partner drags him away by his feet. Taylor is now "punch-drunk" and is talking about magic stories. "Hey, you ever levitated a rottweiler?" he asks Patty. "No," she quickly answers. "Not easy," Taylor says. Taylor falls asleep on the podium and Patty tries to take the megaphone out from his grasp. It makes him wake up and scold Patty for trying to take away his megaphone. Patty says she just didn't want him to drop it. Taylor calls for guards to take Patty away. Patty starts repeatedly poking the megaphone with her finger. "Take that," she says.
Rory and Lorelai are arm in arm. Lorelai tells Rory to tell a joke. "Knock, knock," Rory says, and Lorelai bursts into giggles. Suddenly, the heel off her shoe breaks. She moans that the shoes were brand-new. Rory points out that they're vintage and are over sixty years old, adding that Lorelai probably shouldn't have worn vintage shoes to a dance contest. Lorelai is very upset, and for some reason can't dance for half an hour in a broken shoe and says she needs to use her emergency card. Rory says that if Lorelai leaves, there's no way Rory will be able to stand up on her own. Lorelai calls over CuteDean -- who looks fresh as a daisy for 5 in the morning -- and tells him to hold Rory up while she dances. "I need you, Dean!" Lorelai says, and it's the first time any Gilmore has ever told him that. Or anyone named Lorelai, for that matter. I'm sure this is a violation, but it's nice that Dean gets to hold Rory one last time. Rory falls into his arms, apologizing, her head tucked under his neck. Dean smiles and says that it's not bad at all. Oh, CuteDean. You deserved so much more. I'm so sorry for the way they treated you.
Pan over to where Probawhore's asleep and Jess is still staring like a stalker. I hope Paris's date went well.
Luke declares one passed-out dancer "a goner." Lorelai runs up and tells him that her shoe broke and she needs him to fix it. "Do I look like a cobbler to you?" he asks. "If I say yes, will you fix it?" she asks. Lorelai: incapable of doing anything on her own. Luke says he'll go get some glue from the diner, which I guess is just door to the high school. Lorelai turns around to see Rory and CuteDean still dancing. Sookie asks Lorelai if she's out. Lorelai says she's just on a ten-minute break because her shoe broke. Sookie says she feels terrible about what happened. She says that Jackson calmed down after they got home. Sookie says that they talked and now Jackson understands and is "totally open" to anything she wants. Lorelai says that's great. "Now, tell me what I want," Sookie says. Lorelai says she's not getting involved here, and that Sookie should just flip a coin if she needs guidance. "You're my best friend," Sookie accuses. Lorelai says she can only remain Sookie's best friend if Jackson doesn't kill her: "He's a produce man. They'll never find the body, but the squash will be especially chatty that year." Lorelai tells Sookie to take her time: "That's all I have to say."
Luke walks up with glue. Sookie says she's going home to figure out what she wants, immediately ignoring Lorelai's advice. Luke asks how "that situation" is going. Lorelai tells him Jackson and Sookie will be fine. Luke and Lorelai sit and glue Lorelai's shoe. Luke says he didn't really mean everything he said earlier about kids. He says he's not really as anti-kids as he came off. He says he doesn't have the patience for them, and that they tend to be a little squishy (shout-out?). Lorelai says he doesn't have to want kids, or like kids. Kids are not for everybody. Luke says he's happy spending an entire day not having to worry about somebody's bodily functions, but that if he met the right person, he'd be open to discussion. It would probably be a short discussion, he says, but still a discussion. He asks Lorelai if she ever thinks about having another kid. Lorelai says she doesn't know how much fun it would be without Biology finals and headgear. She says she would if she ever met the right person. They stare at each other long enough for Stee to scream, "Kiss her! Do it! When are you two going to get together! God! I hate this! He's so perfect for you!" Then Stee cried a lot and paid me ten bucks not to put it in this recap, but he never reads these things anyway, so just don't tell him, okay?
Lane's looking distant over at Miss Patty's. She gets up and walks over to her food table, where Dave is suddenly deciding to check out the dance marathon on a totally eleventh-hour whim. He says she made it sound really Blue Velvet, but that she was holding back on just how bizarre it all is. He says he hadn't seen Lane in a while, and that he missed her. He asks if she missed him. Lane blushes and stammers that she "definitely, definitely" did. MamaLane walks up and machine-guns, "Who are you? What do you want?" Dave says he doesn't know Lane, but he heard a bunch of people talking outside about the sandwiches and he had to come and try one for himself. "I'm sorry, may I?" he asks, as Lane falls even more smitten. MamaLane hands him a sandwich. He takes a bite and gushes about how great the sandwich is. The guy playing Dave has one line in The Ring for those of you trying to see all things Gilmore. Dave asks for another sandwich for later. He says his parents would love these sandwiches, but right now they're in private bible study. At 5 in the morning on a Sunday? Dave asks how long the Kims are serving. MamaLane says the bread is only good for twenty more minutes: "After that, you chip a tooth." Dave says that if he comes by in the fifteen minutes, he can give his parents a sandwich, but after that, they'll be gone. He says he's going to go wait on the church steps for his parents to tell them about these sandwiches and if he doesn't come back it's because he's still standing on the steps waiting to tell them about the wonderful sandwiches they missed. Dave thanks them and leaves. "I hope he comes back," MamaLane says. "He seemed hungry." Lane's in love.
Ten after 5. Still six couples standing. Taylor's asleep on his podium. The band plays slow music. Rory shifts in Dean's arms and says, "He's still there." She's suddenly very awake, angry that Jess is still staring at her. CuteDean lowers his head back, keeping his mouth shut again. Jess is actually reading a book now, while Probawhore sleeps. Rory says that this is a dance marathon, and you're not supposed to come to sit and watch -- you're supposed to dance. But weren't you planning to come and sit and watch, Rory? She says Jess is just there to bug her. She calls him a jerk. Probawhore sits up and tells Jess she's bored. "Okay," he says. He puts the book down and they start making out. This enrages Rory, who shouts, "There they go again! God! I swear! Why can't they just get a room!" She says they don't even need a room -- they could have a park bench or a sturdy pole: "I mean, girls like Shane? What is it with them? Don't they see what they look like? I know they have mirrors." I wish Dean would dance her to the other side of the room, away from Jess and tell her to stop talking about him.
Jess shouts at this point: "Hey! You talking about me?" Rory: "No." Jess: "I heard you talking about Shane." "Shane isn't you," Rory says. "Shane concerns me," Jess says. "Shane concerns me, too," Rory says. "And all women, for that matter," she adds. Jess asks if there's a problem. Rory says she's a little sick of seeing him sitting there. She asks them why they won't just leave. Probawhore: "That works for me. Let's go." "No," says Jess. "Why not?" Rory asks. Jess says he's not ready to go. He's going to sit there as long as he likes and he's going to do whatever he likes. He says that if Rory doesn't like it, she can just ignore him and pay attention to her boyfriend. "Sorry. She can't," CuteDean says, taking Rory's wrist from behind his head. Oh, man. CuteDean finally gets his say: "I'm not her boyfriend anymore." Jess sits up, enthralled. He's finally getting what he's always wanted. CuteDean finally gets to say words in an order for long enough to be considered sentences and complete thoughts. He speaks for us all: "You know, I tried to ignore this. I really did. But I don't know what the hell I was thinking. You don't want to be with me, Rory." Rory says she does. "Oh, please," CuteDean spits. "You have been into him since he came to town. And I've spent weeks -- months actually --" (It's really more like a year, though) "trying to convince myself that it wasn't true -- that everything was fine between us. But now I know that I was an idiot. You're into him and he's into you and Shane -- who, by the way, should be listening to this, because it's so damn obvious." Rory asks what she did. You kissed Jess, for one. At least poor CuteDean doesn't have to know that. "Everyone can see, Rory!" CuteDean shouts. "Everyone! And I'm tired. But I'm over it. So go ahead. Go. Be together. There's nothing standing in your way now, 'cause I'm out." CuteDean coolly but slowly gets his jacket and strolls out of the cafeteria. Notice how Rory doesn't move a muscle, doesn't say a word, not one syllable of protest. Notice how we're never going to see CuteDean again. Oh, CuteDean, I hope that Untitled Jared Padalecki Project comes through, and I hope it means you get to be Über-boyfriend somewhere else. I will miss Dean Forester. Taylor wakes up enough to notice that Rory's standing still and not flashing a yellow card. Isn't Lorelai supposed to be in the room, sitting on some bleachers with Luke? Where is she? Taylor can't remember Rory's name right now, but he remembers enough to badger her until she walks away.
The Bridge of Sin, where all things Jess occur. Rory sits like she's Joey, her feet dangling above the water, mourning the end of her relationship. Jess, ever the sensitive one, walks up and declares Dean a "jerk" for yelling at Rory in public like that. There are a million things that could be said in response, pointing out how Jess systematically caused that scene, and planned it to happen just as it did, but there's no point anymore. No matter how much I rooted for CuteDean, he's gone. It's over. Jess has won. Rory says that CuteDean wasn't a jerk, and that he was right. Everything he said was right, about her and Jess and the two of them. About her lying to CuteDean and messing with his head: "He was right." Jess just stares at her. "Well, wasn't he?" she asks. Jess doesn't answer. "Fine. He was right about me, then. Now go away!" Jess says quietly, "He was right." He sighs. "About all of it." Rory wipes her tears and asks, "So, what now?" Jess asks if she's definitely broken up with CuteDean. Rory says she "definitely" is. Jess says there's something he has to go take care of. He walks off. Rory looks more than a little scared.
Only three minutes have passed, somehow, and there are only two couples remaining. Everyone's asleep except for Kirk and Cha Cha and our featured couple who haven't said a word. The girl falls asleep in the boy's arms. He tries to shake her awake, but it's not working. She falls to the ground. Kirk shouts, "They're out! They're out! We won! We won!" Kirk pounds on the podium, waking up Miss Patty. She walks over to Taylor, who's fallen asleep on a bench. He won't wake up or release the megaphone, so Patty blows the airhorn. She declares a winner. Lorelai runs up and asks what's going on, saying she's still standing and that she used her yellow card. Kirk rolls on the floor, screeching that he won again. Lorelai says she's still there. She's near tears, asking where Rory is. Patty says that Rory ran off the floor a while ago. "What? No!" Lorelai shouts. "Yes!" Kirk screams. He takes the enormous trophy and holds it up as Patty declares Kirk the winner for the fifth year in a row. Everyone applauds as Lorelai is totally confused. Lorelai finds Rory as she walks onto the dance floor. Just as she's about to yell at Rory, she sees Rory's tears. The Rocky theme kicks in. Lorelai pulls Rory into her arms. They stand their, arms around each other, Rory sobbing in her mother's embrace. It's the shot we already saw before the episode aired, but it still makes me tear up, because I'm sad that CuteDean's gone too. As Rory and Lorelai stand there, dancing and crying, Kirk takes his victory lap, loud and proud around the gymnasium. It's a really good shot and a nice ending to this episode.
week Rory's already moved on to Jess and they're sneaking kisses and being all gross. Stee throws furniture around the house and screams, "I hate this show! I'm never watching it again! I can't believe this happened! I hate it! I hate it! I hate Jess! No! No! Why? No! Dammit!" Then he paid me fifty bucks to keep it quiet, but like I said...our little secret, right?