I must say that the teaser on this episode was very misleading. Using old footage of Christopher and the shot from a few weeks ago where Lorelai was crying at Luke's? That's not fair. Don't try to put drama in an episode where there isn't any.
Previously on Gilmore Girls: Jess crashed the car Cute Dean made for Rory back when he was on the show. Emily and Richard couldn't believe that Lorelai couldn't just make it work with Christopher, so Lorelai told them that Christopher is having a baby with his girlfriend. Christopher couldn't believe that Lorelai couldn't just make it work with him, so Lorelai reminded him that he's having a baby with his girlfriend, who is also now his fiancée.
Rory finds Lorelai already working on a project one early weekend morning. Lorelai has gathered up all of the catalogs they get sent to the house and is going to call all of them one by one and cancel the duplicates. She shows Rory just how many they get sent. Would the catalog place even be open on a Saturday or Sunday morning? And if it's nine or ten in Stars Hollow, the places on the West Coast surely aren't open. Okay, I'm just going to let it go. There's no need to be so picky. ["Oh, sure. Lots of them are open twenty-four hours. And around Christmas, they expand their hours so they don't lose even one order." -- Wing Chun] Okay, here. On this Daniel Palladino-penned episode, I'm just going to keep an open mind. I'm going to write without the dark cloud of scowl that usually gathers over my head. I'm going to sit back and enjoy this hour of Gilmore Girls and pretend every minute is consistent, well-written, within the character's plausible traits, and that CuteDean is somehow in the episode, even though I'm starting to forget what he looks like.
Rory points out that Lorelai usually abandons her projects midway, like her "make your own seashell candle" fiasco, or that time she was going to marry Max. Lorelai reads off the labels on each of the eight catalogs sent from one company: "Lorelai Gilmore, Rory Gilmore, Lorelai Rory Gilmore, Lorelai V. Gilmore, Lorelai Victoria Gilmore --" (For those of you still working on that really hard trivia game) -- "Lorelai Gilmo,Lorelai Gil, and Squeegee Beckinheim." See, one time Lorelai lied and said her name was Squeegee Beckinheim just to see how many catalogs she'd get sent. "My name is to catalog companies what Brooke Shields's picture is to Chinese restaurants." Remember the new oath, give a laugh without stopping to wonder what exactly that's supposed to mean, and move on. Rory points out that using fake names to check mailing lists causes even more catalogs to be sent to the house. Lorelai promises that it was unintentional. Rory says that when you start a forest fire unintentionally, it's still your fault. Lorelai can't believe that Rory's equating calling herself Squeegee Beckinheim with starting a forest fire. "It's killing trees," Rory concludes. Lorelai says she's depressed now. Rory hands her the phone and tells her to stop the madness. "That'll cheer you up!" Lorelai starts procrastinating immediately, saying she's bored. Eventually Rory has to pitch in and offers to call half of the companies if Lorelai calls half of them. Lorelai makes Rory do her half first. "Squeegee!" Rory wails to the back of Lorelai's head just before Lorelai runs from the room. If I wasn't just accepting this episode the way it is, I would point out that this really long pause here while Rory pouts at the table is an awkward way to end the scene. Kind of a "Well, I'll just end it here, I guess," half-assed thing. But I'm supposed to love this week's episode, right? So...delicious pause while Rory reads over the catalogs and pouts that she's somehow been roped into doing Lorelai's work. This would be much easier if there was a font called "Sarcastic" that all of you recognized. Then I could recap this like it was perfect, use the Sarcastic font and I wouldn't exactly be breaking my new oath.
Oh...yay. Look, everybody...it's a town meeting. What a great place to...meet new townies and have...quirky happenings! Cardigan Man is upset that birds are landing on wires in town and pooping on people walking underneath. He thinks that some of the birds are doing it on purpose. Babette asks, "You get dumped on, Taylor?" Luke offers to pay "top dollar" to anyone who has a picture of Taylor getting "dumped on." Kirk offers to check the internet. Miss Patty explains to Cardigan Man that all animals have to relieve themselves. You know, some of us eat dinner while we watch this show. Cardigan Man wants to put sharp metal spikes on top of the fixtures, so that when the birds land, "Pow! They're shish-kebabs." Rory shouts, "That's cruel!" Babette says, "You can't do that!" And the townie we see so rarely (hey, you home game trivia buffs: he used to be a writer with Amy on Roseanne. His name's Mike Gandolfi, and his character's name is Andrew) says, "I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head." Lorelai: "There it is! Our town slogan!" Rory says she likes it.
A man bursts into Miss Patty's dance studio. He's looking for Miss Patty. He's holding a fistful of flowers and calls Miss Patty "Patricia." Lorelai starts the town teasing, and everyone "ooh"s appropriately. Miss Patty tells Jesus, our newest townie, that she's right in the middle of something, but that she'll be right out. "Patience," she says to him with a wave, and I can't believe Lorelai doesn't bust out with a whistle of the Guns n' Roses song. Oh, I guess they'd have to pay royalties to do that, right? Couldn't she whistle it badly and then Rory would ask what she's doing, and then she'd say she's trying to whistle "Patience"? What? What's that you say? I'm not writing this episode? I keep forgetting. It's like when my mom comes over and I've already cleaned the whole house but she always finds another place to clean, filling me with shame, but dammit if she doesn't get my tub much cleaner than I can ever get it. Jesus waits outside.
Cardigan Man tries to go back to the meeting, but Babette screeches like a crow, "Who's the fox, Patty?" Miss Patty says she met him at a funeral: "Great guy. Good dancer. Latin." Everyone coos again, and Cardigan Man has to call for order. Lorelai says that Jesus had better treat Miss Patty right. There's one extra in the back animatedly explaining to the man to her who everybody is and why only Lorelai just gets to talk out of turn at these meetings. Babette asks Patty how well she knows this guy. Patty confesses that she just met him. Kirk says he'll look Jesus up on the internet. Cardigan Man bangs his gavel. He says they'll hold off on the bird spikes. "Let Miss Patty's date begin!" Lorelai declares. Everyone applauds and stands up. Babette hands Patty her digital camera and demands detailed photographs.
Cardigan Man says there's one more issue. The "weird, taciturn fellow who's always walking around town with his backpack" has put in a request to stage a protest in the Town Square. "The Town Loner?" Lorelai asks, adding yet another townie to our plate, even though we already said we were full. Luke asks if he lives around here. Babette says he lives somewhere in the hills. Luke: "Thought he was long gone." Stranger Townie: "No, he came to the bookstore a couple times last month. Never said a word." Oh, that's right. He's the guy who works the bookstore, one of the six jobs in Stars Hollow that Kirk doesn't have. Miss Patty says the Town Loner is a bit creepy. Cardigan Man adds that he's really creepy. Lorelai rants that he's their Boo Radley, and how much the town needs a Boo Radley: "Unless you count the Troubadour, or Pete the Pizza Guy, or the guy who talks to mailboxes." Okay, Daniel Palladino is just showing off here. Miss Patty asks what the Town Loner is protesting. Cardigan Man says he doesn't know, but that it doesn't matter, since protesting isn't allowed it Town Square: "Period. It's un-American." Luke brings up the Revolutionary War. Babette warbles Rosa Parks's name. That extra in the back is still chattering away to her friend. Fire that lady. Cardigan Man says that those two things were against the British and buses, and that nobody likes the British or buses. Jesus busts back in, saying he thought he heard his name. Patty explains that Cardigan Man said "Buses" and not "Jesus." Two words that look similar on paper, but don't really sound the same at all. Cardigan Man asks if this meeting could be any more disruptive. Lorelai offers to do a softshoe. Rory adds that she could pound out a beat on the bongos. Babette wiggles with glee at the upcoming performance. Miss Patty says she has bongos in the back. Cardigan Man adjourns the meeting, since everyone's got "gnat-like" attention spans. He says he's refusing the Town Loner's request to protest. Luke says they got nothing of substance done at this meeting. "And the tradition stands," Lorelai smiles.
Outside Miss Patty's (doesn't she need to lock up?), Lorelai asks Luke what he knows about the Town Loner. Oh, I thought she was the one who knew so much. Luke says that he's just this guy who skulks around, wearing a backpack and never smiles. Lorelai asks if he also makes cheeseburgers and secretly harbors a desire to wear a backwards baseball cap. She sings the Patty Duke Show theme song. "Well," Lorelai says, bitchily, as everyone sees Jess drive by in a car. It's a beat-up, piece-of-crap car, but it's still a car. Lorelai: "Look who's back behind the wheel. Lovely." Hey, Lorelai, remember how the last time you made comments about Jess and cars you ended up in a silent fight with Luke for an entire summer hiatus? Rory excuses herself to go study. Lorelai asks Luke when Jess got a car. Luke stammers an answer, and Lorelai calls him on not knowing that Jess had a car. "Way to have a handle on things, Luke," Lorelai says. You know, it's not like all of these writers write in a vacuum, is it? Don’t they watch the other episodes? Can't one of them point out, "You know, it's kind of a dangerous subject, having Lorelai snark on Luke's parenting skills. And that whole Jess crashing Rory's car thing is really touchy." Lorelai goes on and on about how Jess shouldn't be driving until Luke tells her that he knows and he's not thrilled. Lorelai offers to butt out now, but then she never does. Luke wonders where Jess got the money to buy the car. Lorelai says it might be a gift from someone who doesn't know that it's gone yet.
Luke finds Jess doing something to the underside of the car. It looks like maybe he's tying the trunk down. Check inside for a body! Jess says that Motor Trend isn't going to be giving him any awards on his new vehicle, but that it'll get him from point A to point B. Luke asks where Jess got the money for it. Jess says that he mugged an old lady. Then he says it didn't cost that much, which is "less than a lot." Jess reminds Luke that he works for him at the diner. If I wasn't just loving this episode because I promised I would, I'd point out that there's nothing more boring than people talking about money, where they got money, how they're going to get money, and how they spent money. You know why? Because every single one of us deals with money every single day, and we don't want to hear other people talking about it because it reminds us how broke we are. Jess says he saved up and bought the car from Gypsy, who gave him a good deal. I love that Daniel Palladino's having a November parade with every character he's created over the past two years. I do like Gypsy, though. Luke reminds Jess that cars cost money all the time, because of insurance and gas money. Jess teases Luke that he thought his car had a magical, never-draining gas tank, and tells Luke he's got it covered. He says he'll be able to fix most of the problems that will happen to the car. Oh, while you're at it, can you fix the car of Rory's that you broke? Because she doesn't have a car anymore, and now you do. What happened to Rory's car? Did she get insurance money? Is CuteDean making her another one? Will Rory have to take the bus forever? Jess makes Luke sign the registration. "Glad we had this talk," Jess says, walking away with his car all unlocked and the windows rolled down. "Yeah. Same here," Luke says, staring at nothing.
Lorelai finds Rory already studying in the living room. Lorelai hands Rory her mail. "Mortgage payment. You mind picking it up this month?" Lorelai asks. It's an invitation to Sherri's baby shower. "Who?" Lorelai asks, as if she doesn't think about Sherri every single second of every single day. Sherri Tinsdale, trivia folks. It's at Sherri and Christopher's house in Boston on Sunday. Then what day is it today? Forget it. Lorelai finds it all very strange, since she and Rory haven't had contact with Christopher in months. "She must know we're on the outs with him," Lorelai says. "On the outs"? Who says that? Rory confesses that she's had some contact with them, since she sometimes wants to talk to her father. She apologizes. Lorelai insists that it's okay for Rory to talk to Christopher, and that he's her father and that Rory should always want to talk to him. Do we find out how they worked it out? No. There's just a lengthy bit about Rory apologizing, Lorelai telling her not to apologize, and then her apologizing for apologizing. Lorelai, whose name has six "I"s in it, asks if Christopher mentions her. Rory asks to be told the correct answer to the question. Rory says he asks about her because he will always care for her very much. She asks if she should say hello for Lorelai the time she talks to Christopher. "No," Lorelai pouts. Rory asks what she should do about the shower. Lorelai says it's her call. "I guess being in Dad's world automatically makes me in Sherri's," Rory pouts. Lorelai points out that it's the shower for her half-brother or sister, so she should go. Rory squinches her face and complains that it's going to be a "brunchy-quiche-y thing." Lorelai offers to drive her to Boston, since she can't spend too much time apart from Rory, and says she'll just do some shopping around town while Rory's at the party. Rory says they'll set up a signal so that Lorelai can come and rescue her if she needs it. Lorelai tells Rory she's made the right decision. Rory tries to apologize again for hiding the fact that she was talking to Christopher, but Lorelai holds up her hand. Rory changes her sentence in midstream to say she was starving. Lorelai leaves to get them ice cream. Rory stares at the shower invitation for a while as the crickets pick up again and we finally go to commercial.
Dear CuteDean. Maybe nobody else does, but I sure do miss you. Feel free to make me a car any day of the week. Love, Pamie.
Luke's. Jess comes down and fixes himself coffee and a donut, explaining that he has a few errands to run. Luke wonders how Jess is going to do all of that before school, but Jess reminds him that he now has wheels. Jess tells Luke that he owes him ten bucks from last night, when he took ten bucks out of the register. "I told you a hundred times, do not take money out of the register," says Luke. This means nothing to Jess, so he takes off, having directly disobeyed Luke about three times during this thirty-second segment alone.
Kirk coughs to get some attention. Luke takes out his pad and asks his order. Kirk asks for a patty melt and a Coke. For breakfast? Luke asks if Kirk wants the patty melt cut in half or cut into stars. Kirk asks for a half and half. "Man, that car's a honey," Kirk says, looking over his shoulder at Jess's car. Jess is taking his sweet time driving away. "Dual piston cams, dove-flex overdrive with maximum torque, sixteen-liters side-by-side, firing three on one. Sweet." Luke says that none of what Kirk just said makes any sense. Kirk asks Luke to keep it to himself, since he's developed the reputation around town of being somewhat of a car aficionado, when in reality all he has is a Jan and Dean record. Why is everyone trying to replace CuteDean? Kirk realizes that he might need to give his album another listen. "Yeah, I would," Luke answers. "Man, I wish my mom would let me have a car," Kirk whines. "Or a bike. Or my roller skates back." Does anybody in Stars Hollow even need a car? Jess waits for one townie to get close enough to his car that he might be able to impress/kill, and then peels out with much screeching.
Gypsy is scolding Jackson for not taking care of his truck. Oh, that's right. Jackson has a truck, but that's because he brings food into town. Jackson, outraged, insists that he takes great care of his truck. Gypsy: "This truck doesn't like you." Gypsy tells Jackson that his transmission is shot. Jackson says that he shifts up and down a lot. "Mr. Grind-it-till-you-find-it, eh?" Gypsy asks. Jackson: "Just tell me what needs doing." That's an awkward sentence. Gypsy says it would take less time to tell him what his truck doesn't need. She says he rides his brakes, which is bad for the truck but good for her because it'll pay for her cable. Gypsy's got some expensive cable. Jackson asks if he should just make the check out to her cable company. Gypsy says he'll have to make one out to her milkman as well. Gypsy pulls her hand out of the truck's guts. "And lookee here. You just bought me a couch." Jackson hems and haws as Luke walks up to talk to Gypsy. He says he doesn't want to interrupt, but Jackson insists, saying he needs a break from the gaiety. Luke asks about Jess's car. Gypsy says the car works great. Luke wants to know how she got paid for it. "Mostly twenties," she says. Wow, either that was an impressive stack of bills or the car was pretty cheap. Luke asks if she made sure that Andrew Jackson was on all of them and not Alfred E. Newman. Gypsy said the money looked real to her. Luke asks if a mask or a gun fell out of whatever Jess took the money out of. Gypsy says he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it. Ladies and Gentlemen, oath aside, I just laughed at that line. Those of you with wagers, collect your wins now. Gyspy: "Guys are stupid. You strip your gears. You ride your brakes. And if we don't laugh after we make a joke, you think we're serious." Jackson again insists he doesn't ride his brakes. Luke says he wanted to know it was "on the up and up." Nyeah, see, we're just trying to make sure he's clean, see. On the up-and-up, see. Nyeah. Gypsy says when people pay her cash, she usually doesn't ask where it comes from. Luke thanks her. Gypsy cheers when she finds a trip to Florida inside Jackson's engine.
This scene makes me tired before it's even started. We're at Luke's, and Cardigan Man (sans cardigan), is talking to a minister and a rabbi. That's right. Taylor's upset that the holy men are considering letting the Town Loner have his protest on the steps of the church after the town voted against it. Reverend Skinner reminds Taylor that he's the only one who voted against the Town Loner. The rabbi says they share the church for services, so it's a joint decision. He stops talking to whine, "I can't even look at this mayonnaise." The minister takes it out of his eye-line. Taylor gets all shifty-eyed as he tries to think of a way to ban the protest. The minister says that the church is exempt from town rulings. "We answer to a higher authority," the rabbi says. "Like the hot dog." The minister laughs, his arms open wide, chuckling, "I laugh every time you say that." Rabbi: "Well, funny is funny!" Taylor says he can guarantee that God doesn't want this protest either. The holy men are impressed that Taylor's got such a strong, intimate relationship with God that they communicate with each other. "Is it by phone that you speak with him, Taylor?" the minister asks. Rabbi: "Do you have a God phone, Taylor?" Then the two go on and on, asking questions about God -- His likes and dislikes, if He laughs, if He's serious about "the whole shellfish thing." Rabbi says that some of these Red Lobster commercials are killing him. "They look good," the minister concurs. They giggle over melted butter together. Taylor asks if they can stay serious for a minute. The holy men say he's too uptight, and that whatever decision they make will be final. Taylor threatens to pull their Bingo privileges. "At your peril," the Rabbi threatens. This is a giant scene just so Taylor can say, "I’m not afraid of your Bubbes, Rabbi." The minister thanks God for letting him be in the room when Taylor said that. More laughing, chuckling, happiness. Taylor thanks them for wasting his time, and mine. Taylor says he can't believe Reverend Skinner would treat him this way after all the support he's given him over the years. Reverend Skinner calls Taylor a Sunday Protestant, that he comes in, says, "Hi, God," and then leaves. "I always leave a dollar," says Taylor, indignant. "For your singing voice, you should leave two," says the minister. The rabbi laughs his approval. Taylor threatens to stop showing up altogether -- convert to some other faith and give them his money. The minister wonders if the Shakers in Woodbury would take him. The rabbi asks Taylor if he can make furniture. Taylor leaves, the holy men still chuckling.
Luke walks in and asks Cesar, "How's it going?" Cesar says it's pretty slow. Is this the guy they always use for Cesar? He looks different to me. Luke asks if Jess is around. Cesar says he hasn't seen him. Thank you for the important scene.
Luke is upstairs as "Sneaky Music" strums. Luke goes through Jess's things, looking for something that looks like crack, whores, guns, or Swiss bank accounts. The phone rings and Luke drops the box he's searching for on the floor. It's not a very good take, but they keep it anyway. It's "Randy" on the phone. Luke tells him or her that someone's got to take care of it, since it's not going to take care of itself. Another brilliant scene! So good. So important. So necessary. I love this new Randy character, and how much he/she adds to Luke's need to search Jess's top drawer.
Walking through Stars Hollow, Rory asks Lane if she got a good gift. Lane says it's foolproof, since a new mother can't have too many baby blankets, what with the "insane amount of stuff" that falls out of babies' bodies all day. Rory asks Lane to be a little less graphic. Lane and Rory moan and complain that babies are cool, but getting one seems like a messy, cruel cosmic joke. Lane says it was clearly thought up by a man. Rory says that's what Lorelai said when she told her where babies come from. Lane says her mom still hasn't told her, and that when her cousin got pregnant, MamaLane said it was because an angel brushed its wings against her face. Rory offers to tell her, but Lane says everything she knows she learned on the streets.
Lane sees the new car on the block. Rory plays it cool at first, saying calmly that it's Jess's. Lane freaks out, appropriately outraged that Jess would go and buy himself a car before he'd ever think of replacing Rory's after he destroyed it. That he'd just flaunt his working car in front of everyone when he just crashed Rory's car, a gift from her boyfriend, a handmade car that can't be replaced, a priceless gift of love. Lane doesn't say all of these things, but it's what she means. Rory says it's not that big a deal because Rory loves Jess. Jess walks up at this point and says hey. "Hey back 'atcha, tough guy," Lane says. Lane points at Jess and shouts, "Don't give me lip!" Rory tries to keep Lane from scratching Jess's eyes out. Lane asks if he bought the car or if he built it out of leftover parts from cars that he totaled. Jess says he has to go, once he realizes what Lane's so pissed off about. Lane goes on about how he can just drive away and they'll keep walking, since all Rory's been able to do these past few months is walk. Lots of walking. Lane says that Rory's got bunions now. "Bunions!" Jess says, because Daniel Palladino thinks that's a funny word. "I do not have bunions," Rory says, for the same reason. Lane says that Rory's too nice to complain, but that she should be outraged that Jess has a car when she doesn't. Jess tells Lane to knock it off. Rory tells Jess to drive away. "I didn't start this," Jess says. Lane says he did when he wrecked Rory's car. Jess tells Rory to tell her friend to walk it off. "You walk it off," Rory snaps back. Jess says he's going to drive off. "Then go!" Rory shouts. Jess awkwardly says, "Geez, how Andy Griffith is this town? People get so excited by a car." Rory says it's not about the car, it's who's driving the car. Jess tells her that she can just take the car then. Rory says she doesn't want that piece of junk. Jess jealously says: "Right. I suppose Dean is already building you a new car. Something really snazzy." Rory tells him to shut up and go. "Gladly," he answers. Rory tells Lane to walk off with her. "Gladly," Lane says. Jess drives away. Oh, I liked that scene. That scene made sense. That scene should have been several episodes ago. Rory snarks to Jess that he left his bra in the back seat. Jess checks his back seat and I guess we're supposed to figure that Probawhore's delicates are draped back there. This proves: (a) Probawhore is living up to her name. (b) Jess is bragging and intentionally leaving a bra there. (c) Daniel Palladino doesn't know how to end a scene, and couldn't just leave it well enough alone.
Boston. I guess it's Sunday. Too bad we missed dinner at Emily's and an entire week passed before our very eyes. Rory and Lorelai complain about the color of the balloons -- green, which doesn't reveal the sex of the baby at all. Lorelai wonders if Sherri's having an alien. Lorelai promises to be there as soon as Rory needs her if she pages for help. "Hi!" Sherri screeches beside Rory's window. Rory gives a "Whoa!" as Lorelai jumps. I don't know what happened to Mädchen Amick, but she's really not looking like herself these days. Her face is all different, and I know she's got blonde hair, but it's more than that. Her jaw is different, her cheekbones not as pronounced. Sherri tells Lorelai she's so happy that she came, and asks her not to leave. Sherri says that the only reason Lorelai wasn't invited was that her friends thought she'd be uncomfortable. Lorelai says she's not really dressed for a party. Sherri says they’re not formal and that Lorelai looks fine. Rory says that Lorelai has plans. Lorelai says she's got a couple of credit cards burning a hole in her wallet. Can't we just cut to Lorelai at the party? Sherri tells Lorelai to go shopping some other time and to come play with them. She says, "Please?" She says there are lots of people at the party that Rory doesn't know, so having Lorelai there would make Rory much more comfortable. Rory says she doesn't mind not knowing anyone at the party. Sherri: "That's nice, but very unconvincing." Can we move on, please? Sherri says she meant to extend the invitation to both of them, but she just wasn't sure how Lorelai would feel. She then switches to bribery, telling Lorelai that there's lots of food and booze and cake. Then, threats: "I'll block your car with my stomach." Don't give Lorelai any excuses, Sher. So, okay, Lorelai says she'll go. "Let's have a party," she says. Sherri jumps up and down and cheers. Lorelai warns her to be careful, or she might jiggle that thing right out of her. Sherri: "A mother's perspective. Thanks." We fade to commercial as we watch Lorelai and Rory unbuckle their seatbelts and prepare to get out of the Jeep, which appears to be just parked in the middle of a street in Boston. Gosh, it's a good thing I took that oath, because there are fifty-seven reasons why that last scene was too long, pointless, and annoying. But, the oath, so: Yay! Lorelai will get cake!
Sherri's apartment is pretty damn quiet considering there's baby shower going on. And there are a surprising lack of pictures. Lorelai and Rory compliment the place, so Sherri goes on and on about how Christopher is, how much of a bachelor pad this place used to be before she moved in and got her hands on it. Sherri seems to have no problem talking about Christopher in front of Lorelai, unaware of how awkward it is that she's talking to Christopher's first child while carrying his second, unaware that Lorelai slept with Christopher while Sherri was pregnant with this baby.
Six women whose names I'm not bothering with are standing around the living room, some not even facing each other. They all say hello. The girls are pretty annoying, with that sing-song way in their voices, saying it's great to have more people at the party, offering Lorelai a Mojito. Sherri says that she and Rory will be the only ones not imbibing. Oh, and Gigi, the unfortunately-named fetus. It's short for Georgia. Sherri says that Christopher would have been happy with a boy or a girl, but Sherri really wanted a ballerina. One woman, whose name might be Maureen, pins diaper pins to Rory and Lorelai, explaining the diaper pin game: you lose your pin if you say the word "baby." Sherri says that Maureen owns her own publicity firm in New York. "She meant to run all those people down," Maureen says to Lorelai. "But you didn't hear it from me." Thanks for the PR, Mo. Lorelai and Rory can't believe that Christopher's CD collection is now alphabetized and not stacked up like coasters. How would they know what his CDs looked like, anyway? They haven't seen a home of his in over a decade, and Rory never saw a home of his, right? Last year Rory could have come over for Christmas, but she decided not to, right? So she's never been there, which means they wouldn't have seen any of his apartments and...the oath. Remember the oath. Move on. Move on. Sherri gives us a shout-out, saying she hated searching for her Wang Chung. Maureen's pissed that Sherri's trying to form a "sub group." Another Mojito is offered to Lorelai. Yay, DP, you're all caught up on the new cool drinks. Maureen complains that Sherri only looks pregnant in profile. Rory and Lorelai agree that Sherri looks great. Lorelai says that when she was pregnant, doorways had to be widened. Sherri says it's great that Lorelai's there, because she's the only one that can give her a motherly perspective. Lorelai can't believe she's the only mother in the room, and the other ladies are all, "Who has the time?" "Why would I want a baby?" "Who would love me enough to put his penis inside me?" One woman giggles that there aren't that many Christophers in the world, men willing to just keep fathering children, one woman after another. Be patient, ladies, and wait your turn. Christopher will be ready to do this again in a couple of years. Sherri says that she wants a list of the books Lorelai read when she had Rory. Lorelai says that her main inspiration and instruction manual was For Keeps Heh. Then, incredibly awkwardly, one of the ladies has to shout like she's on TRL, "Hey! What are we all sitting around here for?! Let the games begin!!!" Lorelai and Rory are suddenly terrified of games, horrified that the couch is getting moved.
Wing Chun plays in the background as baby games are played. Women try to spoon marshmallows into a shoebox baby. Lorelai spoons them down her shirt and over her shoulder.
All the women are so charmed as Rory sings "Baby Love," trying not to say the word "Baby" at any point. Since she's the only one not drunk off her ass, she doesn't see what all the fuss is about. Rory's singing voice is as bad as the under-fives on this show.
Wing Chun starts up again as the women sit in a circle and try to identify different smells. I don't get this game, but Lorelai hands her pin to Maureen so she can say that it smells like "baby crap."
Everyone pops those little poppers, and for some reason they're really loud and smoky, unlike most poppers. Sherri's opening her presents, amazed at how much everyone bought her, saying they should have "chipped in" and bought her one thing. Lorelai asks why Sherri's colors for the baby are green instead of pink. "Green's the new pink," Sherri informs her. Maureen asks Sherri how she's going to finish the spring campaign she's working on. Um, isn't it October? What does Sherri do for a living? Sherri says she has a presentation at noon, which gives her plenty of time to "do Gigi" at five. It's her Caesarean (shout-out to Cesar at the diner? Sorry.), and that she scheduled it months ago. She asks Lorelai if she did the same thing. Lorelai says that a half-hour before she had Rory, she was eating a pepper sandwich watching Quincy. Trivia! And also, was Lorelai only in labor for thirty minutes? ["Probably not." -- Wing Chun] Sherri says that organization was key in all of this, since she was so thrown off by the accidental pregnancy in the beginning.
Maureen confesses that she's drunk, and that's why she feels it's okay to tell Sherri that nobody could understand why she was having a baby, since she's "so not a baby person." Remember when all Sherri wanted was a baby of her own, if it couldn't be the amazing Rory? Why can't the writers create a cheat sheet or some kind of crib sheet telling everyone what each episode is about. Maybe if someone could recap these things and then...hey! Sherri says she really isn't going to give a shit about the baby until her legs are strong enough to dance. Until then, she'll be Christopher's responsibility. Then everyone talks about how beautiful Gigi will be, speculating what a kid like that would look like, ignoring the half of his genes that are in the room. Sherri tells everyone that Rory's going to Harvard. Embarrassed, Rory tells everyone that she's only applied. She's as much in Harvard as I am. Lorelai tells everyone that Rory's going to go. On and on, everyone goes on about how Rory has to get into Harvard, she just has to, so that episode at the end of the season where Rory doesn't get into Harvard will be that much sweeter. I'm not telling a spoiler; I'm just speculating. Sherri tells Rory that Harvard is minutes from the apartment, which is great for when Sherri needs Rory to do hours and hours of free babysitting. It's only 2.7 miles away. Really? Why didn't Rory want to make a stop at Harvard, since she was in town? Couldn't she see it from Sherri's window? Sherri says that she can sleep there, but Rory says she'll have a dorm. Sherri says that dorms are awful, and that she can spend her weekends over there. Lorelai, who hasn't taken off those handcuffs yet, says that Rory will be spending all of her free moments in Stars Hollow. Sherri says that she even has a key for Rory. She tells Lorelai that she should come too, since she's kind of Gigi's aunt. Lorelai must immediately leave the room. Sherri must follow her.
There's more popping and giggling in the other room as Sherri gives this huge speech to Lorelai, rubbing it in and digging it in that she's got Christopher and Lorelai doesn't. It has to be intentional, since it's so over-sweet and poorly acted. "I'm glad you're here. Christopher would be glad, too. I have to tell you, he has been so amazing the past few months. He's so involved with the baby. He talks to it every night. He sings, too. He has a terrible voice, but it's sweet. And he's so protective. If he was here right now, he'd insist that I sit down. I keep kidding him that one of these days he's gonna come home with one of those sofas with the pole and four men to carry me around anywhere." There's more popping as Rory tries to eat cake and Lorelai complains about the noise. Sherri's not done. "You know, when I first found out I was pregnant, I wasn't quite sure how Christopher would handle it, but I just never expected it would be like this. He's been unbelievable. I wanted to thank you. It's all because of you." I'm cutting here, because Sherri has the tendency to say the word "Yeah," before each of her lines. She tells Lorelai that she had a "rocky stretch" with Christopher, where she thought he was out the door. Um, he was, wasn't he? And in the door of Lorelai? Sherri says she wasn't sure if she was going to tell Christopher about the baby, and either go it alone or not go through with it at all. She says it was just like when Lorelai was pregnant with Rory. So she told him the weekend he was in Stars Hollow for a wedding: "Well, I don't know what happened, or what you said, but whatever it was, it worked. He came back a changed man. All of a sudden he was so attentive and devoted and so willing to make it work. He said that he missed out before and he didn't want to miss it again. And I just credit a good portion of that to you." More popping. Lorelai excuses herself to the bathroom. Rory notices her mom's pouty stomp.
Once in the bathroom, Lorelai washes her hands and throws the towel on the floor. She opens the medicine cabinet, which appears to be filled with bottles of soaps and moisturizers. Lorelai begins shifting them around, moving them out of order. Rory comes in and asks how she's doing. "I've been better," Lorelai answers. Rory can't believe that Lorelai is rearranging the medicine cabinet. Lorelai complains, outraged that Sherri thinks that Rory will have all this free time to "pal around" in Boston when she has to spend all of her free time in Stars Hollow with Lorelai. Then she complains to Rory for agreeing to come over. Rory says she was just being polite. Lorelai tells Rory that she's spending all of her weekends with Lorelai. "That's a given," Rory says. Lorelai knocks the pictures over as she complains about Sherri having a girl -- that she had to have a girl just like Lorelai did so Sherri can copy her. She's just a copycat. Lorelai tosses towels on the floor as she calls Sherri, "Little Miss Mani-Pedi." She's even duplicating Rory's name. "Gi-Gi." "Ror-Ry," the same-syllable thing was Lorelai's idea. Actually, wasn't it because Rory couldn't say Lorelai? "Oprah, Uma," Rory counters. Lorelai complains about the music. Rory agrees that the music is driving her crazy too. It's apparently the same nondescript generic jazz song for two hours, but all I've heard is Wang Chung over and over again. Lorelai thanks Rory for finally being on her side about something. Rory whines that she's always on Lorelai's side. Lorelai complains that Sherri rearranged Christopher's CDs. Rory tells Lorelai to calm down. Lorelai says she wants to rearrange Sherri's whole house. Rory says she can't do that. Lorelai asks if she can just mess up her bed. She tells Rory to cause a distraction by setting a fire and then she'll throw the sheets around. Rory says that Sherri might be more upset about the fire. Won't Sherri know that Lorelai just trashed her bathroom? Isn't it hard for an eight-months'-pregnant lady to pick up towels and used tissues off the floor? Why does Lorelai have to be such an asshole? Lorelai complains that she could have been out shopping for shoes she'll never wear. She brings up Sherri thanking her for Christopher and then somehow remembers that it's her daughter she's talking to, and says not to worry about it. She apologizes. Rory says they should go back. "I'm gonna take one of Maureen's little poppers and pop her right up her --" Rory interrupts her, and Lorelai closes the cabinet door. Lorelai stops again to complain about green being the new pink. Rory agrees that it's stupid. We watch Rory close the door, not cleaning up the room her mother trashed, as we go to commercial.
Upstairs at Luke's. He's brought up dinner and pie for Jess, who wants to know why Luke's going through his stuff. Luke lies that he's not going through Jess's stuff. Jess says Luke's a bad liar. Luke keeps pretending he didn't do it, even though it's obvious that he did. Luke finally says he did it for Jess's own good. Jess: "Can we be a little more totalitarian around here?" Luke says he's going to ask the questions. He wants to know where Jess got the money for the car. Jess says he worked for it. He says he does jobs around town. He cleans rain gutters. Luke says that still wouldn't earn him enough money. More stalling, more talking around the point. Luke asks if Jess is a gigolo. Jess confesses that he works at a Wal-Mart. He's worked twelve hours a week for the past few months to get extra money to buy a car. Luke says "Wal-Mart" a lot. He thinks it's very funny. He then belittles Jess for having to wear the vest, and for working at a place that has layaway. Jess says he works in the back, moving stock around with a forklift. Luke asks if he needs a special license. Jess says he took the class one Saturday afternoon and got the license. Hey, this is all so interesting, isn't it? Good thing I took that oath. Luke just can't believe that Jess works at Wal-Mart. Just can't believe it. He asks if Jess gets a store discount. He calls Jess the All-American Boy, eating apple pie and working at Wal-Mart. Jess leaves.
Jeep. Night. Rory asks Lorelai if she's okay to drive. Lorelai says she barely drank a thing. Rory says she meant emotionally. Lorelai says she's fine. She does the Christopher Walken bit from Annie Hall. Then they complain that Sherri made them take the deviled eggs from the party. Why did they stay so long? I guess, apparently, everyone shouted over and over, "Take the deviled eggs!" but it's not like we saw that scene. Rory says that all of those women were so drunk. Lorelai asks how Maureen and some woman named Susan almost came to blows. Rory says that, from what she could tell Susan said, "Brwaw! Bleahh, bruoh, blutun bleha," and Maureen took great offense. "Well, yeah," Lorelai says. Lorelai explains why they were there all day: Sherri said if they left at 7, they'd get home at the same time as if they left at 6 and were stuck in traffic. Except it's Sunday, but whatever. Rory and Lorelai chatter on about how Sherri's so traffic-savvy. Lorelai says that messing up the medicine cabinet wasn't enough. It was too tame. Rory confesses that she went back and cleaned it up. Lorelai can't believe Rory ruined her catharsis. Rory tells Lorelai to let it go. Lorelai says that Sherri must know, since she brought Christopher up like that. I agree. Lorelai says she wishes Sherri was doing all of this on purpose so she'd respect her more. Rory says she hopes that Christopher is happy. Lorelai says there's no way Christopher is happy with Sherri and Gigi, the 5 o'clock baby: "And to think I sent him back to her a new man? Man." It was Christopher's idea to go back to her, Lorelai, not yours. And remember how miserable he said he was for the first few months after she was pregnant? Are they confusing the time Christopher crashed Emily's Friday dinner with the wedding? Because Christopher wanted to be with Lorelai, not Sherri. Have one writers' meeting, for Pete's sake, where you go over the script and point out glaring problems like this. Com e on! Rory makes Lorelai stop the car. She has an idea. She wants to egg Jess's car. More specifically, she wants to deviled-egg Jess's car. Lorelai says this is really immature. Rory says they can totally do this: "It's active. It's aggressive. It's destructive, but not too destructive." They leave the Jeep engine running.
There are only about five eggs, but they plop them on Jess's car anyway. They're chunky, bounce, and mostly fall off the car. Lorelai damns Sherri for not sending them home with more eggs. Rory tells her not to lose her catharsis. Lorelai: "Wait. Is that a siren?" Rory says she doesn't hear anything. Lorelai: "Neither do I. It just seemed like a cool thing to say at that moment." They run back to the car and decide to speed off and pretend the cops are after them. But the car won't make a screeching noise, no matter how hard they try, so they decide to make the screeching noise themselves. They screech off.
Someone else must have also decided it was a good idea to devil-egg Jess's car, because the morning there are so many egg marks on that vehicle. Lorelai and Rory are giggly that Jess hasn't seen it yet. Lorelai says they should have run for the border -- the one between America and Sephora-Land. Luke walks out and says he was checking out the mob scene.
It's the protest at the church steps. Isn't it Monday morning? Anyway, the crowd has gathered to hear what the Town Loner has to say. One cop has been called. Babette says it's going to happen at any minute. Cardigan Man (back in uniform) asks the police officer if she is locked and loaded. "I'm a tiger ready to pounce, Taylor," she responds. Good job, under-five! Funny! Taylor complains about hippies.
Suddenly, a man walks out from behind the church, but he's really far away so we never see what he looks like. My sources tell me that the Town Loner is played by Daniel Palladino himself, so I'm sure he's protesting these recaps. Everyone wonders what the Town Loner is doing, and whether that giant thing on his shoulder is a dead body or what. Another man walks up and tries to help the Town Loner, but the Loner pushes the man away aggressively, angrily. Maybe the person who told me it was Daniel Palladino was making a joke, saying that the Town Loner was a metaphor for Daniel Palladino, because that makes sense. The Loner goes into the church. Everyone talks about how great it is that they've gathered around, and how lovely this protest has been so far. Babette says it's fun seeing everyone like this. Luke says they see each other every day. Lorelai points out that they don't always do it standing around like this. The Loner's standing at the top of the church holding a rolled-up banner. Cardigan Man assumes the banner's covered in obscenities. The Loner drops the banner, but it's facing the wrong direction. Nobody can read his protest. Lorelai shouts for him to turn it over. As he does, the banner rips and falls to the ground. Everyone moans, disappointed that the Town Loner can't do his protest correctly. Kirk says he saw a flash of a word. It started with an "R." Recaps! Lorelai says they'll just think of every word that starts with that letter that someone could protest. They actually go through with this. "Ragu." "Reptiles." "Robots." The Town Loner starts shouting, and it sounds like "Ne'shell N'degocello." Everyone complains about his diction. Babette says she heard something about Jell-O. "Stop or we will sue!" it sounds like he says. Lorelai heard: "Stop the noodle scooz." Cardigan Man complains that it's not even English. Babette doesn't know what that has to do with Jell-O. "Drop the student schools," Luke heard. "I'm tired of living in Amy's shadow!" I distinctly hear on the third shout. Cardigan Man says they need to stop this protest, since the Town Loner could be saying horrible, blasphemous things up there. Rory says there's no harm if they can't hear him. Lorelai says that the Town Loner might be protesting man's inability to communicate by being intentionally difficult to understand. Rory admires Lorelai's philosophical depth. "I'm seeing trails," Kirk says.
Jess sees his car and shouts Luke's name. Lorelai and Rory giggle guiltily. We have to see Lorelai touch Rory and point out the car. Luke tells Jess that his car stinks and points out that he was egged by cooked eggs. Deviled eggs. "Someone deviled-egged my car? Someone prepared deviled eggs to throw at my car?" At this point, all eyes should be on Rory and Lorelai, who are staring at Jess with glee. Luke says that someone must hate Jess a lot. He starts wondering who at Wal-Mart hates him so much.
"First protest and then vandalism. Makes you think about leaving this town," Cardigan Man says. Lorelai says she loves her town: "I'd never want to leave this town." The Loner leaves the church. "Back to the hills, Town Loner, to protest another day," Lorelai says. The Loner picks up his banner. "He doesn't litter," Miss Patty says appreciatively. "That's nice." Rory says he looks sad. "He'll be fine," Lorelai says. "Mrs. Town Loner will cheer him up." Babette tells everyone to get upwind of Jess's car. The strummy music kicks in.
Lorelai asks Rory if she wants breakfast. "Anything but eggs," she says, smiling at Jess, watching him wash his car without a hose. "I was home all night last night," she says to him. "So was I," Lorelai says. "We have alibis and everything." They walk away, leaving a path of destruction in their wake.
I can't wait for week's dance contest episode. Yay! CuteDean! Your plot is finally revisited! With you in it!
Hey, what happened to Miss Patty? Did Jesus kill her? Shouldn't someone look into that?