Previously on Gilmore Girls: exactly the same "Previously" they've been showing all season.
We open with Lorelai and Rory walking through Stars Hollow, which has been decorated for Halloween. I guess it's a warm October in Connecticut, because only thin sweaters are required. Anyway, Lorelai's telling a joke that ends with a rabbit saying, "How 'bout that schnitzel!" This sparks a very long debate about whether the joke was funny, and whether the line can technically be considered a punchline if the joke isn't funny, or if it's still a punchline no matter what. I'm not a fan of Lorelai's new '70s hair. It looks dirty. And while I'm discussing hair, how come all teen girls have to wear braids all the time?
Luke's. It's crowded, so I guess it's a Sunday or something. Luke's stressing, and Lorelai jokes that apparently your face can stick like that. Luke's mad because there's a big group taking up the table in the back, and apparently they come in all the time, even though we've never heard of them and it's strange that suddenly Luke's so upset about it if this happens every week. They're a big family, or more than one family with babies (Luke calls them the "J. Crew catalog"). "Oh, look! Babies!" Rory says. "I don't want to ever hear that come out of your mouth again," Lorelai warns. Apparently, the big group only orders two iced teas. That makes no sense to me at all, and I don't know why Luke wouldn't have had them just kicked out if all those ten people ordered was two iced teas. Luke is so intimate with this family that he knows the names of the baby's toys and which toy the baby is crying for. Now, according to Luke, this group has been coming in every weekend for more than six months. How have Lorelai and Rory never seen them before?
The girls start complaining about the level of drool coming out of one of the babies' mouths. "It's just spit," Lorelai says to Luke when he decides to kick the group out. "Pretend you're at a baseball game," she says in a little shout-out to Scott Patterson. Luke is stopped in his tracks when one of the small-chested mothers decides it's time to breastfeed. She unbuttons her shirt, and I'm not sure how she plans on feeding that kid through the tank top she's wearing underneath her shirt, but whatever. Luke is horrified at women feeding children with their own bodies and wants Lorelai to put a stop to it. Rory is grossed out by the word "lactating." Luke tells Lorelai to go talk to the woman, since Lorelai won't be "scared of it." Lorelai informs Luke: "You're gonna be a bachelor for a really long time." Luke fumes that he's getting taken advantage of until Jess walks into the diner in an awkward, obvious way, spots the back of the woman who he somehow immediately assumes is breastfeeding, shouts an "Oh, jeez!" and runs back upstairs. Lorelai laughs and Luke calms down. "Okay, well, that was kind of fun," he admits as he shields his eyes from the back of the woman who we're just supposed to know is breastfeeding. Opening credits. Now, what I would have done is have Taylor outside, so he can see the woman's breast since she's facing the street. Then Taylor can run into the diner in an outrage, upset that people can see this public nudity and this baby's hungry feeding right at the delicate lunch hour. Then Luke and Taylor can agree on something for once ever, which will throw Luke into such a horrible shame spiral that he will have to declare Sundays Breastfeeding Brunch Hour. He'd shout, "Free Iced Teas To Go For Everyone," and Lorelai would congratulate him on opening his mind to new ideas and for being such a feminist. But I'm not writing the episode, now am I?
Independence Inn. Michel is carrying two pillows to the front desk. Lorelai coos, "Oh! Is it your nap time?" Michel informs Lorelai that a guest complained about the down pillows, which trap allergens and germs. The guest read about the toxic pillows in the travel brochure they provide in the rooms. Down pillows, apparently, can trap viruses and mold. Lorelai comments that she never thought anyone read those brochures. Michel says that the woman had no choice, since there was a roast chicken on the cover. "She's large," he says. "And her husband is ugly," he adds after Lorelai scolds him. "They threw pillows at me!" he whines.
The phone rings and Lorelai answers, "Independence Inn." It's Emily, trimming her bush (Dirty!), already scolding Lorelai for not identifying herself when she answers the phone. Lorelai tries it again: "Independence Inn! Major disappointment speaking." Emily says that she's in charge of the Society Matrons League's annual Antique Auction, and she thought that Lorelai might like to attend the auction to pick up cute pieces for the Inn. This prompts Lorelai's teasing concerning the serious, old-lady-sounding name of the group. I wonder why Kelly Bishop's eyes are always rolling around in her head when she talks on the telephone, as if there's never a good place for her to rest her eyes. Do you think she's sneaking looks at some kind of teleprompter? Emily makes a joke that they're auctioning off old-lady paraphernalia, like walkers and canes. Emily adds that she'll be way too busy to sit to Lorelai, if that was one of Lorelai's concerns. Lorelai says she wasn't concerned about it, but would still like a definition of "way too busy." The auction is Tuesday at 1 PM. Lorelai says she'll think about it, so Emily says she'll see her Tuesday.
Michel has overheard this somehow, and really, really, really wants to go to the auction. He loves auctions -- the drama, the strategy. He gives Lorelai a few pointers, including, "Be extremely careful of your paddle movement." Lorelai: "Well! That certainly calls for a, 'Dirty!'" "Take me to the auction!" Michel begs and whines. "Take me! I insist you take me!" He says that if Emily's involved, he knows it'll be an impeccable auction, and that he hasn't been to an impeccable auction in over a year. Lorelai makes him promise to work weekends for the rest of the month, answer the phone in English when it rings, and oversee the Nature Hikers week, including allowing them to give him a Nature Name. Michel agrees, so Lorelai says he can come to the auction. "Buttercup," she says. Fists clenched, face pinched, Michel screeches, "You cannot give them suggestions!"
Evening. Lorelai and Rory walk from their Jeep toward the front door of the house, discussing Lorelai's recent fight with Pete the Pizza Guy. Why didn't they get delivery, like they always do? Rory's hair is up in a messy ponytail twist, looking like my hair every single day. I'm surprised they did it, since they normally keep her hair as childlike as possible every minute, but this gives her a "Study Break" look that's really appropriate. I love it. Anyway, Lorelai was pissed at Pete the Pizza Guy for suddenly charging extra for garlic. Lorelai apparently yelled so loudly that dogs started barking. All is forgiven when Lorelai sees that Pete has thrown in some free cheesy bread. Rory makes Lorelai regret yelling at Pete, and she promises to call him and apologize for making such a scene. Lorelai needs to check the mail, so she sends Rory into the house to melt more cheese on the pizza.
Lorelai is stopped before she reaches the mailbox by her newest neighbor, a man played by Jason Kravits. To continue the weekly tradition of knowing the newest extra on this show, I met Jason Kravits a few years ago when he performed at the Aspen Comedy Festival. Yes, I'm stretching, but it's kind of worth noting, isn't it? Anyway, he just moved in "across the way" and loves how friendly everyone is in Stars Hollow. He's amazed by it, actually. As if my poor fingers haven't already had enough, this new neighbor talks even more than Lorelai does. He wears a very ugly Tiki shirt. He's repeating over and over again that he lives in Beanie Morrison's old place (for those of you making the very difficult home trivia game). The new neighbor goes on about how great Babette is. His name is Dwight. Lorelai shakes his hand. She mentions that the teen with a halo and a book is Rory. Lorelai walks over to her mailbox, saying that if there's anything she can do to help out, Dwight should just let her know. Her mailbox flag is up, but there's new mail inside. Dwight just so happens to need someone to help him out right away, and his best friend Babette apparently wasn't an option for this. He's going out of town on business and just got this new lawn he's got about a million words to say about, and needs someone to water the lawn while he's gone because it's really important that the blades stay moist at all times while the grass is taking root. It needs to be watered more than once a day, and I guess Dwight can't spring for a timer for his really important lawn. Lorelai stammers that she guesses she can do it, which launches Dwight into another rendition of "Stars Hollow Rules," saying that if he'd asked someone at his old place for such a favor he'd have gotten "a much more HBO kind of answer." He asks Lorelai to come over now so he can show her how to turn the sprinkler on and off. Lorelai says that Rory's waiting inside for her. Dwight says they can just meet before he leaves for his trip tomorrow at 6 AM. Without missing a beat, Lorelai says she can take a look now, jamming her mail into the space between the flag and the mailbox (so that's why the flag was up), and leaves without one word to Rory, who must by now be convinced that her mother was kidnapped.
Quick cut and, "Welcome to the Oasis!" Dwight shouts in front of his house. He's named it the Oasis, he repeats. He starts talking about the terrible marriage he was in, going on about his wife had five heads like something out of Greek mythology. He says that before her, he was taller, and had more hair and higher arches. Anyway, now he loves his house. Chuckle, chuckle, over-enthusiastic babbling, going on and on about nothing. Lorelai leads him to the spigot to discuss the watering so that she can go eat cheesy bread. So you put this tool into the sprinkler and turn it, which makes the water go on and off. It looks so fake. The water needs to go on for fifteen minutes twice a day.
Rory finally starts walking around her porch looking for her mother. Lorelai runs up and begins pushing Rory into the house, warning her not to turn around or introduce herself to any new neighbors. "No more talking to people ever!" she says as she closes the front door.
The auction. It's Tuesday at 1! Old people bid on a vase. Lorelai and Michel are almost the only young people in the room. Lorelai's got her skirt up high and she's wearing fuck-me boots as she complains about the amount of junk being auctioned at the auction. How would she know? This is a woman who owned a monkey lamp and a Hello Kitty alarm clock. Michel says you have to be patient, wait for what you want, and then pounce. "True at an auction; true at a singles bar," Lorelai says. Michel agrees. Lorelai isn't very quiet as she flips through the catalog repeatedly shouting, "Crap!" Suddenly Lorelai's unhappy that she didn't bid on the "great table" that just sold. Michel says it's a good table, but not a great table. Michel tells Lorelai that if she really wants the table, it's apparent that the buyer's children will be selling that table soon at an estate sale.
Emily walks up and asks why Lorelai didn't wave hi earlier. Lorelai says she's concerned about making any hand motions while the auction is going on. She tells Emily that when she waved earlier, she accidentally bought a motorcycle and a sidecar. A woman stumbles up saying, "There she is, The Cobra." It's the British neighbor from Mad About You, playing a woman named Natalie. She explains Emily's nickname to Lorelai, saying that Emily squeezes anyone who doesn't comply until she gets her way. Wouldn't that make her The Python? Or The Boa Constrictor? See, she could call her The Python, and then Lorelai would say, "I just call her 'Monty.'" Natalie admires Emily's "spunk," which is a word that only sounds dirty to me now because I'm seven. Natalie tells Lorelai a story about the flaky auctioneer trying to get out of work this morning until Emily squeezed him and he came around. Natalie reminds Emily to make the rounds to get all of her deserved praise, and then leaves, never to be seen again ever. Emily reminds Lorelai to say goodbye before she leaves, and Lorelai teases Emily about being The Cobra. She tosses in another joke about the motorcycle and sidecar as she sits back down beside Michel. He's carefully bidding on an endtable that Lorelai likes. Lorelai wants to "do the paddle," but Michel won't let her. Lorelai leaves to get a drink as Michel keeps bidding.
Ho-ho. Cute boy at the bar, only one glass of Merlot left. Lorelai and the handsome stranger begin bidding on the glass of wine, of course, and the bartender just walks away as they keep flirting. "Can I get an empty glass, please?" the new guy asks. "Yes, sir," the bartender says, the glass coming into frame before the new guy even gets a chance to ask. The new guy pours half into the new glass. "You're the Solomon of wine," Lorelai christens. They clink glasses. He excuses himself to go bid, not bothering to introduce himself or ask anything about her. She complains that she and the bartender are the only two people in the place without paddles. He suggests that she bid on a paddle. "What would I use to bid on?" she asks, proud of herself. "I'm Solomon, not Einstein," he says. "Bye, Solomon," Lorelai says to his back, one last attempt at getting his name. "Oops! I had a spare bottle all the time!" the bartender says, flipping his body back into frame with the new bottle in his hands. Lorelai says she had more fun the other way instead. She tips the bartender as we fade to commercial.
It's the day, and we can hear crickets inside Lorelai's house, so I guess that means it's nighttime? Lorelai has called the auction and is trying to find out the name of her Merlot Buddy. She says he had Paddle 17 and she's wondering his contact information. "Oh, right," she says. "Con...confidential." Rory walks out of her bedroom and smugly watches Lorelai from a distance. Lorelai tells the person on the phone that Paddle 17 is an old friend from school, and that she doesn't know his name because they all referred to him by his nickname -- Shamu. Rory quietly giggles back into her room. Lorelai goes on about how Shamu was a big guy in high school and has now slimmed down. Rory, wearing CuteDean's bracelet, applies lip gloss with glee. Lorelai says she doesn't have time to contact the high school alumni committee. She says they went to a liquor store after the auction and bought a lottery ticket together and it turns out they've won $14 million and they have to claim it by 4 PM today. Looking outside at the dark window, I'd say she's missed the mark, or it's really early in the morning and Rory's not appropriately dressed for Chilton on a Wednesday morning with her black dress and pumps. Also, why is she calling the auction person this late/early? Rory holds her coat as Lorelai slumps into a kitchen chair and announces that her blood type is O negative, as is Paddle 17's, and she's got this medical condition... Rory sits beside Lorelai as Lorelai gets off the phone. "So," Rory smiles. "You ran into your old friend Shamu. And you won millions of dollars? And you need a transfusion?" Lorelai explains that she's trying to get the name of this "really cool guy" she met at the auction. Like Rory wouldn't already know that Lorelai met a cool guy at the auction? Are they dressed for Friday night at Emily's? Because it's supposed to be Wednesday morning or so, according to the phone call Lorelai just made. Rory notes that the guy must be cute since Lorelai's putting in so much effort. "And witty," Lorelai smiles. "You don't meet that every day." Rory says that Emily would have the guy's name. Lorelai says she can't ask Emily about him. "Then kiss Shamu goodbye," Rory says. Lorelai, always smelling a favor before it's even fully baked, decides that Rory could ask Emily Paddle 17's name. Rory doesn't see how she's supposed to ask for the name of a man she didn't meet at a function she didn't attend. "I'll share my lottery winnings with you," Lorelai offers. "It's ridiculously transparent," Rory notes. She does the math on half of the winnings after taxes and such and realizes she's not really going to make very much money at all off of Lorelai's offer, since Lorelai didn't actually win the lottery at all. "Ask her yourself," she says, as Lorelai calls her "mean." Rory asks if Lorelai called Information to ask Paddle 17's listing.
Emily's. I guess it's Friday. Just go with it. Yay! Richard's back! Emily asks everyone if they like the pork. Rory does. Emily isn't sure. Richard thinks it's fine. Emily isn't sure. Lorelai thinks it's really good. Emily still isn't sure. Richard explains that pork is bred leaner these days, which gives it a different taste: "Less fat equals less flavor." Riveting! Of all the words in all the orders you could have given Richard for his return, and you give him an explanation of the change in pork taste over the years? Come on. Emily finally announces that they're changing the subject, so Rory starts teasing Lorelai for having such a good time at the auction. Emily asks Lorelai if she saw anything she liked. "Yeah, Mom," Rory smiles. "Anything look good to you there?" Lorelai chats about endtables. Emily says she even bought a few pieces for herself. Richard complains about having chairs they aren't allowed to sit in beside footstools you can't put your feet on. He's very proud of the fact that he's provided Emily with a house full of useless objects: "I'm never happier than when we're standing in the corner staring at our furniture." Emily tells him to eat his pork. Rory leads the conversation back to Paddle 17. After some mild panting, Lorelai compliments Emily on the group of people that attended the function. She says she was surprised at how many "younger" people were there. She brings up Paddle 17, saying she didn't get his name but that he's nice, wore a nice suit, and liked Merlot. "Are you talking about Payton Sanders?" Emily asks. He of the chicken lineage? Lorelai says it's possible. Emily checks her records (which I guess were right in her pocket or sitting on a table just out of reach) and confirms that Paddle 17 was Payton Sanders. Richard gives Lorelai a sneaky look as Lorelai tries to be all, "Well, that's cool, baby. I mean, you know how it is, rockin' and rollin' and whatnot." Emily asks Lorelai why she's so interested in Payton Sanders. Lorelai finally confesses that they kind of "hit it off." Do you really think so, since you're having to go through so much work over these past one to four days when Payton could have easily asked the organizer of the auction, Lorelai's mother, for Lorelai's information? Lorelai asks for Payton's phone number, and then asks for the flavorless pork. Emily is filled with glee that Lorelai wants Payton's number: "Well, well, well. Richard, Lorelai is asking me for a man's number." Richard plays along with the smug glee. Emily says she doesn't have Payton's number, but that she can get it if Lorelai wants it. Lorelai says it's up to Emily. Emily says it can't be up to her, since she's not the one who wants the number in the first place. Do we all get it? Great, because I'm going to move on long before this scene does. Lorelai asks for the number, thanks Emily, and threatens Rory. We end the scene with Rory just smiling. Okay.
Who knows what day it is, but Lorelai's running down the stairs dressed and Rory's wearing her Chilton outfit and Lorelai thinks that even though they're late, they still have time for breakfast at Luke's. How late can they be if they can sit around a diner for some time? Rory jokes that Lorelai forgot to put her pants on and Lorelai momentarily falls for it. There's a debate about whether the clock is wrong, and Lorelai offers to drive Rory to school this morning since she'll miss her bus if she goes to Luke's. Again, how late could Lorelai be if she can drive in and out of Hartford (which is more than thirty minutes away, right?)? Lorelai suddenly remembers Dwight's lawn -- a lawn that's obviously been neglected over these past few ambiguous days. Lorelai says they can still do the lawn and do Luke's, even though Rory doesn't see how this is possible. How long is Dwight out of town, anyway?
Dwight's. Nobody's rushing anymore. Rory sees a note on the porch. It's an envelope with Lorelai's name on it. Okay, so she hasn't watered the lawn once over the past week? Lorelai tells Rory not to open the note because it's just going to contain more things that Lorelai has to do, but Rory opens the note anyway. Dwight thanks Lorelai for the favor and goes on about how great this town is again. Lorelai: "Yeah, apparently Dwight's last home was Oz, and not as in The Wizard Of..." Rory keeps reading. Dwight needs someone to go inside and water his African violets. There's a key to his house sitting in the Steal-Me Planter by the door and a separate directions sheet inside. Dwight tells Lorelai to make herself at home inside, allowing her to eat all the food she wants or to play with his impressive collection of board games. Speaking of bored, can we move on with it? Why do we have the Dwight storyline? Why is it still going on? Is Dwight going to become a regular? Rory goes into the house to water the violets even though Lorelai begs her not to. There's more than one key on the keychain. Rory says she wants to see what the house looks like. Lorelai says that if Dwight's dead mother is sitting in a rocking chair just inside the house, she won't be a bit surprised.
Dwight isn't concerned about electricity or energy problems or even electrical fire hazards, since he's got Christmas lights strung up and lit around his fireplace. The entire house is decorated like some Tiki vacation, and I'm not entirely convinced this isn't just Sookie's house with different art direction. Rory instantly opens a cupboard and finds the massive collection of board games. She notes that he's got Monopoly from every different country in the world. Lorelai tells Rory to remember, when she meets him, that he owns Twister, because there's a great visual image waiting for her. Rory asks why they don't have a Tiki bar. Lorelai says it's because they aren't "two wild and crazy guys." Rory declares her love for the house. She goes to water the violets as Lorelai gets a call on her cell phone. It's Payton, who doesn't seem to think it's rude to call someone at 6 AM on her cell phone. Jeez, is this guy an early riser, or what? Rory tends to the flowers as Lorelai gets impressed over the fact that Payton just "flew back" on his jet. Somehow I don't think Lorelai would be quite this impressed. Anyway, "From Maui?" is looped in, but Lorelai's mouth clearly says, "From Bali." He asks her to a David Bowie concert week. Rory's jealous. Lorelai talks a few seconds more, hangs up, and tells Rory that Payton didn't want to wait an entire week to see her again. They're having dinner tomorrow night. "Two dates in one phone call," Rory says. "Talk about not wasting any time." Lorelai says he's very cool, and not just because he has his own jet. Rory reminds Lorelai to tell him the best way to get to her is through her daughter, who desperately wants to go to Amsterdam. The writer means Fez, but I'm sure he or she is new and nobody bothered to inform him or her. Rory decides that this place is lucky. The clock on the mantle goes off. It's a cuckoo clock with a hula dancer, and it sings "Midnight at the Oasis" based off the time of day. Right now it's "Eight o'clock at the Oasis." What time does Rory have to be at Chilton? They still haven't eaten breakfast. I thought they were in a hurry!
night. Rory sits on Lorelai's bed reading a book, as Lorelai is going through her entire wardrobe looking for something to wear. Rory tells Lorelai to wear the dress she picked out that morning, but Lorelai knows that morning butt and evening butt aren't the same butt. Rory tells Lorelai to hurry her butt because Payton's picking her up any minute. Lorelai comes out in a brown-on-brown outfit that's got puffy shoulders. Rory tells her she looks fantastic because Lorelai told her to say that. Lorelai finds some flimsy scarf-looking thing on the floor, calls it a shirt, and decides to change. Rory finds a necklace as Lorelai changes. Rory slowly picks out a necklace as Lorelai worries that this guy isn't as attractive as she remembers, since the lighting was "so-so" in the auction and she only saw him for a few minutes. Rory's still picking out a necklace as Lorelai babbles that the mind plays tricks on you when you're bored. Then Rory tells Lorelai that she liked the other outfit more, so Lorelai calls Rory evil. Blah blah blah blah boring boring blah. Then they suddenly hear the car pull up. They're impressed with Payton's car.
Downstairs, Lorelai tells Rory that if this guy sucks, Rory will fake a fever in an hour. Lorelai opens the door, turns back around, and says, "You're feeling just fine." Lorelai introduces Payton to her daughter Rory, and somehow there's not one flinch of shock or surprise at meeting a sixteen- (or probably seventeen by now, right?) year-old girl. He's like, "Hey!" as if all the women he dates have children preparing to go to college. Lorelai tells Rory not to wait up and to limit her guests to only two or three crackheads, since they eat all the good cereal. Payton tells Lorelai that she looks wonderful (can you not hit on her in front of her kid, please?), and Lorelai is forced to say this clunker of a line: "Oh. So do you, Payton. So do you."
Later, Rory is asleep when Lorelai comes home. She wakes Rory, who asks what time it is. It's 10:15. Since when does Rory go to bed so early? Shouldn't she be up studying? And why wouldn't she have CuteDean over when she's got the house to herself all night? Why haven't we done the episode where Rory panics over her virginity or CuteDean starts to get pissed that it's been two years without anything other than kissing or at least address the fact that maybe Rory doesn't want sex because she doesn't want to turn into her mother? Something. Anything. This kid's seventeen or whatever and never wants to do anything bad, nor has she had one dirty thought. I'm not buying it anymore. Anyway, Lorelai hated the date that we didn't get to see. Apparently, Payton didn't have a personality or a sense of humor (what happened to that cute wit you were just gushing over, Lor?). She complains that all he did was talk about his car. He was boring as he told her everything she might ever need to know about a Jaguar. Maybe he was nervous, Lorelai. It was a first date. Maybe you were gushing about his fancy rich car so he started talking about it. Then Rory and Lorelai complain about people who like wine, and who spend time choosing the wine. Lorelai chimed in with a story about puking on cheap wine in the ninth grade and was mortified to see that he's not really interested in her story about puking at fourteen. Maybe because he figured out in one story why you've got a high-school senior at your house. Rory's shocked that Payton wasn't charmed by Lorelai's wine puke story. "I know!" Lorelai Monicas. She says she spent the rest of the date wondering about the kid she puked on way back when. Rory asks if the food was good, at least. "Tiny portions; weird sauces," Lorelai moans. And free. It was free, right? Lorelai says she's off to bed. Rory asks if she's still going to the Bowie concert. Lorelai says there isn't a way she could stand Payton for another night. Wow. You don't get many chances to win Lorelai's good graces, huh? Lorelai tells Rory that tomorrow she'll teach her all she learned about being a pilot. Poor Payton. Maybe I'd have less sympathy for him if we got to see the stinker of a date ourselves. It's not like Lorelai's had even an ounce of romance in a while.
Independence Inn. There's been a mix-up with the auction, and Emily's lamp was accidentally delivered to the inn, and Lorelai's lamp went to Emily's. Lorelai says she'll take it by when she runs errands and picks up Rory today. I guess it's, like, Thursday now? Wednesday? Anyway, Lorelai picks up a bowl that's on the front desk. It's an 18th-century bleeding bowl. As Michel describes what it's for, Lorelai gets grossed out and reminds herself to boil her hand.
Emily's. I never understand why Emily sometimes answers her own door. They make the lamp switch. Emily says she's surprised the auction house made a mistake. Lorelai says it would have been easy, since both purchases were named Gilmore. Yes, except one was a hotel and one was the woman running the auction, but whatever. Ooh, I really hate this suit Lorelai's wearing. It's black and has this blue piping in places and the jacket looks too small for her. And her hair's in that messy feathered look they keep putting on her. She looks like the scene in Just One of the Guys after they went into the water. Did I just date myself? That's just a shout-out to those of you who read my Young Americans recaps. Emily invites Lorelai in for some coffee, but Lorelai says that Rory's practically standing on the corner waiting to be picked up until Emily notices that Rory would still be in class right now. Lorelai says she'll stay a minute. "Wonderful!" Emily says. "I'll get you a stopwatch so you can keep exact time." That's my favorite line, but there were some slim pickings.
Emily asks how the date went. Lorelai says it was fine, and asks how Emily knew about the date. Emily admits that she knows Payton's mother, and asks what Payton and Lorelai did. Lorelai says they just had dinner, but Emily heard they went driving around afterward. Lorelai says they drove toward her house. Emily says she heard Patyon had a lovely time. Lorelai tries to leave, but Emily asks more about the date. Lorelai says that it wasn't anything special, just one person talking more than another. Emily asks if Payton's called since. Lorelai says he hasn't. Emily says it's only been one day, and then gushes about how great it is that Lorelai and Payton are dating. Lorelai warns Emily not to get too excited. She says they didn't hit it off that well, and that he's not really her type. Emily's confused, so Lorelai explains that they didn't have that many of the same interests and nothing to talk about, and basically the date was a dud. Emily is disappointed. "Well, you'll just have to try a little harder on the date," she says. "Excuse me?" Lorelai asks. Emily reminds Lorelai that she's got a concert date the week with Payton. Lorelai calls Payton a real mama's boy. She tells Emily that she's not going to the concert, since they had such a miserable time. Emily can't believe that Lorelai is going to cancel the date. Lorelai says that she's sure Payton won't be surprised, and that he didn't have that great a time either. Emily says that Lorelai has to go to the concert, since she made a commitment to someone. Lorelai says that this is her business. "Oh. This is so like you," Emily snits. "You spend five seconds with a person and if they say one wrong thing, you turn on them and never give them a second chance." She says that Lorelai's extremely judgmental. Where could she have learned that, I wonder? Lorelai echoes my sentiments, and then says she has to go. Emily says they're not finished discussing this, but Lorelai feels that they are, since this is her life and her decisions to make. "Rory's waiting; I'll see you Friday," Lorelai says. Then there's just some quiet as we watch her leave, Emily throws her hands in the air and they decide this is a good enough time to end the scene and go to commercials.
Luke's. Lorelai's still wearing the suit I hate and Rory's wearing her Chilton outfit, so this might be some kind of after-school pre-dinner eating. Lorelai tells Rory she's got a present in her purse. I think this scene was supposed to be one of the opening teasers for an episode that got cut and they just pasted it here because it makes no sense at all and it's not funny enough and I'm not buying it, but here goes. Lorelai, in a completely opposite character choice, has purchased a Cardio Salsa videotape and wants Rory to Cardio Salsa with her. This goes on for a while about how Rory doesn't want to do it and wouldn't ever do it, even if it means Lorelai goes to an early grave.
Lorelai's cell phone rings; it's Dwight. Right, so we're well into Week Two of his business trip, by the way. Lorelai finds out that he got her cell-phone number from Babette. She tells him that the lawn is fine, says "okay" a few times, and then hangs up. Lorelai informs Rory that Dwight has been checking the weather reports, and that Stars Hollow is going to be extra sunny for the few days, so he needs the lawn watered three times a day for ten minutes. Rory says that Dwight really needs to get a dog. Why? What does that mean? ["So that the dog could be another thing of Dwight's for the Gilmores to take care of when he's out of town, like she was being sarcastic? Or because all the love Dwight is lavishing on the lawn should be lavished on a pet instead?" -- Wing Chun] Lorelai, in another sentence that makes no sense, says that the dog would have to go to the bathroom at a gas station, since the lawn is off-limits. Lorelai says she needs to "get back to the Inn," and asks Rory to go and water the lawn. Lorelai's lunch breaks are amazing. Lorelai says she can't go water the lawn because she has a "China shipment" coming in. Lorelai says that Dwight needed the lawn watered right now, and that if the lawn dies, he'll "vibe" them for the rest of their lives. Rory reminds Lorelai that she'll be going off to college year, and might not even come home for holidays if Dwight's going to vibe her. Oh, so much debating in every scene! So much discussion about everything without anything really happening!
Lorelai's cell phone rings again. As she reads the caller ID, she yells that Dwight needs to leave her alone since he's on a business trip. But apparently Lorelai didn't read her caller ID correctly, because it's Richard on the phone. He's called to inform her that he's playing golf with Payton's father Sunday, and he'll call her afterward to discuss the situation and how they should proceed. Lorelai doesn't know what he's talking about. Richard says he doesn't know how much damage has been done, so he'll need some time to figure things out and see if a simple apology will work. Lorelai has to leave the diner when Luke jams a finger in the "No Cell Phones" sign's direction. Lorelai can't believe that she's expected to apologize because her date with Payton didn't work out. This scene goes on for a really long time and even though I love both actors dearly there's no need for me to recap all of this when I can simply tell you that in Emily's social circle these things are very important. Lorelai has now dated inside Emily's social circle and something as huge as Lorelai dissing Payton can mean that Emily won't be the head lady in her social circle. The head lady always gets served the first cup of tea at functions and gatherings and what Lorelai's done by deciding Payton is boring and not good enough could cost Emily that first cup of tea, something she's worked very hard to achieve. Richard agrees that this is all pretty stupid and infantile, but that the most important thing in his life is his wife's happiness. Lorelai has stepped into Emily's world and messed things up. If getting served the first cup of tea is what keeps Emily happy, then he's going to do whatever it takes to make sure she gets that first cup of tea. And if Lorelai truly loved her mother, she'd do whatever it took to ensure that she kept her first cup of tea, since Emily would do the same thing for Lorelai if the situation were reversed. He says he'll call her again after he plays golf. Lorelai pouts.
Rory runs up to Dwight's lawn. She sticks the tool in the ground that turns on the sprinklers. The sprinklers start, and Rory runs up the porch, grabs the house key that's out in the open for all to see (why not just leave the front door open?), and goes into the house. "Five o'clock at the Oasis!" the clock sings. Rory smiles approvingly. The phone rings ,and Dwight's machine picks it up with a "Namaste." It's Doris on the phone. Immediately, Doris begins shrieking, saying she's Dwight's wife and she wants her board games back and she's pissed that he snuck out the window on her. Wait, he snuck out the window with hundreds of board games? That Dwight's pretty talented. Rory runs away from the rabid lady on the answering machine. Oh, the fun! "Especially the Trivial Pursuit!" Doris growls. Hilarity!
Rory tries to turn off the sprinkler, but -- uh, oh! -- the sprinkler is suddenly broken and the water turns on twice as hard, soaking Rory to the bone almost immediately! Rory doesn't even really try to make it stop ("Gross!" she says), but instantly takes out her text messenger (soaking wet) and pages CuteDean, cursing him and his "Unabomber ways" for not being immediately available by pager. I didn't know CuteDean avoided technology, since they've been paging each other for years now. Where's her backpack? She runs away from the house with an "aw, man!" having only given CuteDean .03 seconds to respond.
Rory runs past Jess, who's reading a book while he walks. She pushes past him. He tells her to slow down. She barks for him to get out of her way. He follows her, teasing her new wet look. "It's very Blue Crush," he notes. He asks why she's in such a hurry. She says that the President asked everyone to exercise and she's very patriotic. She wonders where everyone is. Jess stops her and asks what's wrong, other than the fact that she's completely out of towels. Here's an idea, Rory. Turn off the sprinkler system at the house faucet. Just an idea, there. I know you're all Harvard-y and all, but maybe you could turn the water off before you go running to the boys. Anyway, Jess instantly puts on his hero hat and runs toward Dwight's house, somehow just "knowing" where he's supposed to go.
Dwight's house. Dwight lives much closer to Stars Hollow proper than Lorelai and Rory do. Jess runs through the sprinklers as Rory tells him he doesn't have to do this. She says she didn't ask him to do this and that she could find someone else. Jess turns the sprinkler tool twice and the water turns off. "Oh, you made it look so easy," Rory whines. Now, right here normally I'd make a joke about how Jess would be good with tools, but see, they've tricked me. They've put Jess in this big sweater with a black t-shirt underneath and they've wet him down so his hair sticks to his forehead and he's shivering just a little like Lloyd Dobler the night he loses his virginity. Jess and Rory are wet and shaking, staring at each other as water drips into their eyes. They're so cold that it's hot. Very hot. Jess shivers and asks Rory if things are good. As is suddenly the custom in the last ten minutes of every episode, Jess starts asking Rory about Harvard, and about her leaving for college soon. She says she's going to go to Harvard, but she's saying it with a lot less conviction these days. They keep their hands behind their backs to keep from embracing each other. They stare. Rory begins to stammer. Her pager goes off. It's CuteDean, of course, finally answering her page. And by "finally," I mean three minutes later. She says he's on his way over. Jess nods and quietly says, "Okay." He takes the sprinkler tool and turns the sprinklers back on. He smirks at her and walks past her, the water falling all around them. Fine! I like Jess, okay? There. I finally like him. And I'll tell you why. Jess 2.0 isn't as smarmy or evil. He isn't so cocky and pissy. He doesn't just assume he's going to date Rory and isn't so insulting to her life and the people in it. He's not angry bad dude punk kid. He's no longer a cliché. Now Jess is just a kid with a crush who's a little too cool for school but mostly he's just sad that he can't have the girl he loves because she's set in her ways and leaving for college soon anyway. Jess, you're better off with Shane anyway. At least she puts out. Rory watches Jess leave, licking water off the lips he didn't kiss.
Emily's. It's Friday again! Emily immediately begins complimenting Rory's blue sweater -- a top we've seen both her and Lorelai wear before, I think. She tells Rory that she should wear blue more often, but I'm pretty sure that all Rory wears is blue. Lorelai has brought Emily pictures from Sookie's wedding, but Emily's too busy making drinks to look through them right now. She gives Lorelai a glass of wine and Lorelai makes a big deal about how normally Emily asks Lorelai what she'd like first and doesn't just hand her a glass of wine. Even though she wants a glass of wine and always takes a glass of wine, she'd just like the courtesy of being asked. I'm so glad this episode is almost over. Emily leaves to get some cheese. "Boy, it's cold in here," Lorelai says to Rory. Rory notes that it's colder where Lorelai is sitting. Lorelai wonders if Emily is going to be mad at her all night. Rory says "yep" a few times. Lorelai says that she should go in and talk to her. She asks Rory if she wants to talk to her instead. "Nope," Rory says, and Lorelai says it's a good thing that Rory doesn't get paid by the word. Rory says the sooner Lorelai gets in there, the sooner there's cheese.
Um, there's some bullshit I'm calling on this right here, because Emily is preparing her own plate of cheese. Emily is making a cheese plate, people. An elaborate cheese plate with fruit and crackers. Lorelai apologizes for the "whole Payton thing," saying she didn't think what would happen if it didn't work out between them. She says she knows it's more than just a Bowie concert for Emily and that what she did was a little thoughtless. Lorelai doesn't even finish saying the word "sorry" before she adds a "but you have to understand..." She insists that she had a horrible time with Payton -- the worst time ever. She likens it to a miserable time they had on some family vacation once. Two stories that we can't share with these women, but we just have to assume both experiences were lousy. Lorelai goes on about how she and Payton were in "Marathon Man kind of pain." She says that she'll still go to the Bowie concert if it's really important to Emily. But only if Emily understands how this would be terribly painful and she doesn't really want to go but she's going through the nice motions to appear to be doing a nice gesture. Emily thanks Lorelai and says it means a lot to her that she said those things. "Borrow Rory's sweater when you go," she says as she walks back into the living room. Good for Emily. It's nice that Lorelai has to honor a commitment and get repercussions for her actions once in a while. "Ground control to Major Tom," Lorelai sings as she goes back to the living room. They decide that's a great way to end the episode. Oookay, that wasn't awkward at all.