Oh, man, is this a good episode.
Previously: Rory didn't like the fact that Jess has a girlfriend. Lorelai didn't like the fact that Christopher's girlfriend is pregnant, but Emily hated it even more. Rory picked Dean.
Friday dinner. Lorelai fidgets as Rory tries to make small talk with Emily. The mood? Icy. Rory says, "Well, this is nice, isn't it?" Lorelai pouts. Rory asks Emily if Richard is traveling. Emily curtly replies that he is. Rory says that business must be doing well for him, then. She segues into Lorelai's job, making the comment, "I mean, not that it's without its problems, you know." It's very endearing. She tells Lorelai to tell Emily the story about the mouse. The Inn has a mouse, a fact that Emily finds quite disgusting. She asks whether the Inn is clean. Lorelai points out that the Inn is surrounded by nature, where mice live, so they have a field mouse running through the lobby these days. Emily gives Lorelai a rundown on exterminators and mice traps, explaining that the Inn will reek of rotted rat if Lorelai doesn't do something about it soon. Lorelai repeatedly says she has it covered. Emily takes a second before saying she doesn't understand why Lorelai is the one sitting there with the attitude when Emily's the one who should be upset. Lorelai asks if they can not talk about it. Emily reminds Lorelai that Lorelai's the one who walked out of dinner last week without saying a word. "Because I couldn't get a word in," Lorelai explains. Emily says that she and Richard were shocked and upset and needed a few minutes to let the news sink in. "Please. Find the off switch," Lorelai begs Rory. Lorelai says it's all over and they should move on. "We came here to have a nice evening, so...come on. Let's have it." Lorelai grabs the newspaper from the table in front of her and begins to read. "Something smells good," Rory smiles. "Braised lamb shank," Emily says matter-of-factly. Braised Lamb Shank is going to be the name of my cat's spoken word album. Rory goes on about how great braised lamb shank is. Emily scolds Lorelai for reading in front of other people. Lorelai reads aloud the article that got her attention: apparently a girl she knew in high school killed her husband. Shauna Christy -- a good girl, in Emily's opinion -- found her husband in bed with the nanny, so she shot him. According to Lorelai, Shauna shot the man thirty-five times and he now looks like a "sprinkler system." As Emily reads over the article, I have to wonder...how many times do you have to reload a gun to shoot it thirty-five times? And nobody in the neighborhood came by to see what's going on? Nobody stopped her? Isn't it difficult to shoot someone thirty-five times? In Hartford? ["Maybe they had a big country estate and no one was around. I think we're supposed to think Lorelai's school friends are rich." -- Wing Chun] Emily points out that at least Shauna had a husband to kill. Lorelai looks at Rory pointedly and says, "This is nice. Isn't it?"
Luke's. Lorelai now has a cold, so I guess some time has passed. She's ordering soup for breakfast as Rory gives her another Kleenex. Lorelai complains that having a cold is so lame; anybody could have a cold. She wants something unique and interesting, like a Haunted Leg. Rory says there's a reason you only take one package of Theraflu at a time. Luke shows up with their breakfast. Rory has pancakes, a fried egg, and a side of bacon. Lorelai has a bowl of chicken noodle soup with a side of mashed potatoes. Luke asks how the cold's going. "It's fine," Lorelai says, her nose full of snot. Luke asks again. "It's fine," Lorelai says again. Luke points out that this is the third day in a row that Lorelai has ordered soup for breakfast. Lorelai thanks him for the tally. "You know what helps get rid of a cold?" Luke asks. "Endless vague questioning first thing in the morning?" Lorelai tries. "A healthy immune system," Luke answers. Lorelai says that was her second guess. "You know how you get a healthy immune system?" Luke asks. Lorelai asks if he remembers when he hated her: "That was fun, wasn't it?" Luke asks if it's eating crap all day and "blowing out your brain cells with coffee." "No," Rory says as she digs into her pancakes. Lorelai scolds Rory for being on Luke's side. Rory says she just thought "no" was the right answer. Luke tells Lorelai to eat a vegetable every now and then or some high-fiber cereal in the morning. Lorelai complains that her soup is getting cold. Luke tells her at least to eat the carrots in the soup this morning, and not just the noodles. Lorelai promises. Luke leaves, and Lorelai tells Rory to eat her carrots. "Apparently maturity is extremely overrated in your universe," Rory says.
Jess's faceless skank walks in and drapes herself over a stool. "Hey," she says. "Hey," Jess replies. Cue the fakest, most forced tongue-kiss in the world. Rory stares. "So?" Skank asks. "One sec," Jess answers. You know, I shouldn't call her Skank yet. She might be a nice girl. Maybe he's the one that makes her tongue-down in public. I'll call her MaybeSkank. Does that have a nice ring to it? What about ProbaWhore. Oh, I like that. ProbaWhore. Here we go. "Jess," ProbaWhore pouts. "Relax," Jess scolds. "I'm out," he says to Luke. He shoots a look at Rory, who looks away as he says, "Let's go." "Okay," says ProbaWhore, her bangs covering what tiny bit of her face we almost got to see. "Ladies and gentlemen, an entire conversation in ten words or less," Lorelai says. Rory says that they're perfect for each other. CuteDean cautiously walks over to the table and asks them to not get mad that he's already eaten breakfast. "See? Nice, full sentences," Rory says to Lorelai. "What?" CuteDean asks. "Don't ruin it," Lorelai smiles. Strummy-strummy-la-la music out.
Independence Inn. Michel and Lorelai are staring into the fireplace because Michel saw the mouse run in there. Lorelai says they can't have this mouse running around the Inn or "customers will freak." Michel: "Well, tell them it's a baby. People love babies. They'll talk to it in funny voices." Hee. Lorelai asks whether Michel's called an exterminator. Michel says that's a wonderful idea, since he was planning on just strapping a wheel of cheese to his head and lying on the ground until the mouse came out and ate his face. The exterminator is on his way. Kirk -- somehow not the exterminator -- shows up and asks to speak to Lorelai. Lorelai tells Michel to stand by the fireplace and make sure the mouse doesn't go back into the lobby. "Oh, goodie! A promotion."
Kirk has a delivery for Sookie. He says it's nothing important -- just her wedding pictures. Lorelai promises to give Sookie the package when she gets back to the Inn. Kirk looks suspicious, so Lorelai promises again and even offers to leave the Inn and find Sookie so she can deliver the package immediately. I don't understand how the package looks enormous in Kirk's arms but normal in Lorelai's. I think someone needs to feed Kirk really soon. Kirk asks to sit and talk with Lorelai. They take an awkward seat on the couch. Lorelai asks if everything is okay. Kirk explains that his mother has developed a condition that makes her knees swell, and that he spent yesterday cutting holes in her pants so she can sit down. Lorelai is about to excuse herself, but Kirk stops her to ask if she'd like to have dinner with him. In two weeks. He heard she had a cold, and he thinks two weeks is enough time to ensure that the virus is out of Lorelai's system. Lorelai stammers, and Kirk interrupts her to say that he knows this is completely out of the blue for her, so she doesn't have to answer right away. He tells her to think it over for the few days. Kirk goes to leave and Lorelai follows him, telling him to wait, about to break his heart. But then Kirk turns at the door and says, "By the way, I think you might be the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Outside of a really filthy magazine." Lorelai thanks him as Michel smirks from over her shoulder. Kirk leaves and Lorelai slumps back towards Michel. "Don't," she says. "I am doing nothing," Michel smiles. "But the mouse, however, has dropped dead from laughter."
Rory is in bed. What time is it? Hmm. She turns over and sees Lorelai, fully dressed, sitting at the foot of the bed. Lorelai admits that she's been sitting there for about an hour and a half. She's just excited because it's Rory's last First Day of School and it means that Rory is all grown up now. So, she's got Chilton, so it's got to be like six in the morning. What's with the bright sunlight? And does that mean Lorelai woke up at four in the morning? There's no way. Anyway, Lorelai gives Rory her bill. She crunched some numbers and figured out that Rory owes her quite a bit of money from over the years. I can see the crew in the reflection of the television screen over Lorelai's shoulder. Rory stands up to take a shower. Lorelai says that Rory got home too late last night for them to talk. Rory says she got home at ten, and that Lorelai was already asleep. Lorelai confesses that she was trying to watch The Legend of Bagger Vance again. Lorelai tells Rory that Kirk asked her out. "Shut up!" Rory says with a smile. Lorelai says that Kirk came to the Inn and asked her to dinner. "That's so sweet!" Rory says. "You should wear your dress with the ponies on it. I bet he likes ponies." That's my favorite line of the episode. Lorelai says she can't go out with Kirk because (pant, pant, pant), "He's Kirk!" Rory says that if Kirk loves Lorelai and makes her happy, then that's all that matters. Rory just wants her mother to be happy. Lorelai gives an example: "Hello, Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather, Kirk. Please don't make any sudden movements; he's a Fear Biter." Rory asks how Lorelai's going to let him down. Lorelai says that this is why she needed to talk to Rory, since Rory's the nice one. Rory tells Lorelai to tell the truth -- that she just wants to be friends. Lorelai says that's too lame. Rory says Lorelai could lie and say she has a boyfriend, but Lorelai doesn't want to tempt her Relationship Karma. Rory tells Lorelai she's on her own. "We're gonna have to move," Lorelai says. "Take off in the middle of the night. Leave everything behind. Assume different identities. I'll join a local community theater and I'll drive you to soccer." It'd be perfect, but Rory doesn't play soccer. "You do now," Lorelai says. See, I'd pick the line "Maybe Rory doesn't, but Mallarory does!"
Once in the kitchen, Rory starts giggling over the whole Kirk thing. Lorelai says that it's not funny, it's bad. Since Kirk works at every business in town, there's no way she's going to be able to avoid him forever. They pour Rice Krispies and marshmallows into a huge bowl. They eat from the same bowl of not-good-for-you as they discuss, for a long time, Rory's "swearing-in" ceremony today, swearing Rory into Chilton student council. It's at 3 PM, and Rory says it about seven hundred times. Rory tells Lorelai that Emily is coming to the ceremony. She found out about it and called and now she's coming. She's Rory's grandmother and she deserves to be able to go (since she pays for the school). Rory points out that they'll just be listening to the ceremony and will hardly have to talk at all. "Hey, we are family," Rory says. "Yeah, well, look how good that worked out for Sister Sledge," Lorelai says with her mouth full. Rory leaves to take a shower. Lorelai says she's leaving for work, but she'll see Rory at three. Lorelai shakes Rory by the arms and says, "There goes my little vice-president, off to rule the world." Rory says that Paris will be ruling the world; she'll just be holding the keys. Lorelai says she's still proud of her. "Honey, you have power, brains. Now all you need is a dimwitted, drunken or drug-addicted relative to constantly humiliate you while you serve in office." Rory tells Lorelai to work on that for her. "Two steps ahead o' ya," she answers.
Chilton. Rory waits in a crowded hallway. Lorelai barrels down the hallway screeching, "Time?" It's 3:01, and Lorelai is blaming traffic lights. But see, it doesn't actually start until 3:15. Rory just told Lorelai it was at 3 PM so that Lorelai would be on time. I do this with many a flaky friend. It's a good system. Rory ushers Lorelai into the room, telling her that Emily isn't there yet. Emily knew the actual time it started because she can be trusted to arrive on time. Rory gives Lorelai a seat near the front and tells her to use her purse to save a seat for Emily. Lorelai tells Rory that she loves Rory and thinks she's the greatest kid in the world; she reminds Rory to keep her knees closed, since she's in a skirt. Lorelai tells a little story about some girl back in school who didn't, who was like an ad campaign for Hanes. Lorelai then does a little business where she picks up her purse, sees her alternative to Emily, puts her purse back in the seat, thinks it over and picks up her purse, thinks it over and goes to put the purse back just as Emily shows up. As Emily sits, she scolds Lorelai for not saving her a seat with her purse. I love that they only have like, three outfits for Emily.
Headmaster Charleston, blah blah blah, student government, blah blah, speech.
Rory's speech, blah blah, responsibility, blah blah, generations, blah blah, reading from index cards, blah blah, speechy-speech. Lorelai and Emily avoid looking at each other.
Paris's speech. The fall of the Roman Empire, blah blah, wanting to keep the best the best, blah blah. Lorelai sneaks a look at Emily. When she turns away, Emily sneaks a look back. Paris doesn't want to see Chilton become another high-priced charm school: "Pink and white with big cheerleading megaphones painted on the walls. I wouldn't be able to take it. I would have to dismantle the place stone by stone with my bare hands."
Taking the oath, blah blah blah. Everyone applauds. Paris and Rory share a smile.
In the lobby, minutes later, Emily asks Lorelai if Rory's meeting them there. Lorelai says that's what Rory said. Uncomfortable silence. Lorelai says it was a nice ceremony. Emily agrees. "Long," says Lorelai. "Very long," Emily adds. "The longest," Lorelai finishes. As Emily turns to say something to Lorelai, Rory runs up. Emily hugs her and says she looked wonderful. Rory says she's running to her locker to get her backpack and then they can leave. Rory skips off, and Lorelai tells Emily she doesn't have to wait around if she has things to do. Emily disappointedly starts to go, but then invites Lorelai to lunch the day, around one, at Luke's Diner. This is all very startling for Lorelai, and she can't figure out exactly what Emily's motive might be.
Chilton. Paris is addressing the student council. Paris is upset about the library, and thinks the entire collection is outdated. Rory lifts her arm into the air. Paris looks at Rory's watch, sees that time is almost up, and asks the table if there are any more issues that should be discussed. "People's names might have been nice," Rory notes. Francie, the redheaded leader of the Puffs, stands up and says she has something she'd like to discuss. Paris says they need the Reader's Digest version. As President of the Senior Class, Francie would like to change the Chilton rule on hemlines. She wants an amendment to raise hemlines an additional inch and a half. Paris -- offended that hemlines are the major issue on the senior class's mind -- immediately mocks the entire thing, saying she's sure everyone's going to lose sleep over this issue. She thanks Francie for giving everyone something to mull over, and says she'll get back to her as soon as she can. Paris calls the first meeting of the Chilton officers to a close, and says she'll see them all again on Friday. She bangs a gavel on the table, prompting Francie's friend to wonder, "What idiot gave her a gavel?"
As everyone leaves, Rory reminds Paris that the whole point of having an informal gathering of the officers was to let everyone get to know each other, and not have Paris Patton around for an hour spouting agenda. Paris says that she's student body president, and that's her job. Rory shows Paris that they didn't pass out the donuts or coffee that they bought. They didn't get to bond or know each other. Paris snaps, "Jeez, Rory, we've been sitting in a room together for sixty minutes. What else do you want, a ring?" Francie super-sweetly walks over to Paris and says with utter nice-nice that she's so happy for Paris and can't wait to have a great year working together. Paris basically grunts in return, never looking up from her paperwork on the table. Francie says goodbye to Rory and says, "You two will make a great team." "Yes," Paris says, her head still down. "The jerseys are coming on Friday." Paris tells Rory that she's going to draft a demand for the librarian's resignation tonight and wants Rory to read it tomorrow. Rory asks if Paris is sure that the first things she wants to do in office is get a ninety-three-year-old woman sacked. Paris says it's not like she's putting her on an iceberg and shoving her out to sea, an understandable punishment when you factor in that you can't find the Shakespeare section without psychic powers but the CliffsNotes version practically smacks you in the face when you walk in the building. "And we're off," Rory says.
Independence Inn. The exterminator's hard at work behind Lorelai as Sookie stresses that a vegetarian menu was requested for tonight. She says she thought Lorelai put a mandate against vegetarians at the Inn. Lorelai says that Sookie was the one who secreed no more vegetarians at the Inn. Sookie wanted to make her baked stuffed pork chops tonight. Lorelai tells her to make those for the other guests and make pasta for the vegetarian party. Sookie moans and groans that pasta is so boring, and that she's an artist and can't work under these conditions. Lorelai moves a package to the back of the room (did she ever give Sookie her wedding photos?) and tells her that artists can make art out of any medium. That's why they're artists. Sookie goes, "So, today's your big lunch with Emily." Didn't she just make those plans yesterday afternoon around four? Because Sookie would have only found out about it, like, ten minutes ago. Lorelai says she should just cancel, since there's no way Emily wants to meet to announce she's joining the circus. Sookie says she can't cancel, since she's meeting her in an hour. Lorelai says this meeting goes against every rule in the Gilmore survival handbook: "Number one -- no running with scissors. Number two -- no pageboy haircuts. Number three -- never, ever have lunch alone with a mother."
Once in the kitchen, Sookie tells Lorelai to stay positive, and that this could be a good thing. She says that people change everyday. "One minute you could be a vegetarian and the minute you could have a bite of a stuffed pork chop that changes your entire way of thinking." Then life is fun and there's a reason to get up in the morning: "And it's called bacon!" Lorelai tells Sookie to stick to the pasta. "Let the people grow, dammit!" Sookie shouts.
Chilton. Very dark hallway. Rory is walking down the hallway when she's suddenly grabbed from behind and yanked into a bathroom. Francie is doing her hair as she innocently says, "Rory! Hi." Rory starts to say something, but Francie interrupts her with a big smile. "No, I talk. Okay? Great." She informs Rory that Paris isn't actually in charge around here. Francie is going to get what she wants. She figures that while Paris is the chatterbox, Rory is the Meyer Lansky of the operation. Rory promises that she's not. "What's that noise?" Francie asks. "What is that noise? Oh, wait. It's me, still talking. Didn't you hear it? Obviously not." She says there are three other class presidents besides Paris, so Paris is not going to ignore what Francie wants: "She's in for a major bikini wax." "Thanks for the visual," Rory pouts. Francie says of Paris, "She's nothing. Just another power-mad, insecure, friendless, dateless, highlight-less loser wandering around trying to make someone care that they exist at all -- which, by the way, no one does." Francie reminds Rory that she rules not only the senior class, but the Puffs -- the most powerful, exclusive group on campus -- so she has the power to make Paris's life a living hell. She says she can make it so the only thing Paris gets to do is lead the student body in whatever version of the Pledge of Allegiance is Constitutional at the time. Rory asks what she's supposed to do. Francie replies, "I want you to go back to Margaret Thatcher and tell her to play ball. She's gonna support the hemline issue and any other issue that I bring up for the rest of the year. Otherwise I'll make her look so ineffectual, she'll make Jimmy Carter look like Martin Sheen." Rory says they're supposed to be representing the student body, not brokering backdoor deals or bullying other representatives with intimidation tactics. "I mean, what are we," Rory asks, "French skating judges?" Francie says this is politics: "If you have a problem, tell it to Noam Chomsky. I live in the real world." She also threatens Rory not to tell Paris, because Francie will just say that Rory came to her saying she thought Paris was unfair and too mean to her. Since Rory's always trying to be so nice and helpful, she'll tell Paris that this was all Rory's idea. The girl playing Francie clearly played the lead in The Bad Seed in high school.
Luke's. Luke asks what the hell Lorelai's doing there. Lorelai says she came for the warmth. Luke asks if she's meeting Kirk for lunch. Lorelai can't believe Luke knows about Kirk. Luke says that Kirk came to him for advice, since Luke knows Lorelai so well, and so Luke commences all teasing: "When he found out you had wood floors, he seemed very pleased. I told him you liked movies and junk food and, of course, talking incessantly, but we both agreed there's nothing like some good loving to shut a person up, if you know what I mean." Lorelai asks for a sharper fork, since the one she has might not penetrate Luke's hand. Luke grabs the fork and says he knows it's too new to talk about and that Lorelai's probably worried Luke'll jinx it, but he just has to say, "seeing that guy's face when he was talking about you? He almost had an expression." Lorelai tells Luke to go far, far away from her. As Luke walks away singing "Love Is in the Air," Lorelai tosses her spoon at Luke's back. Emily, of course, sees this, and asks why Lorelai is flinging cutlery in a public eatery. Emily apologizes for being late, saying there was traffic, and adds that if she had been on time perhaps, there'd still be the possibility of soup. Lorelai says she hasn't been waiting that long; she still has a knife.
Emily takes a seat, but not before wiping it down with a handkerchief. She says the window affords a nice view of the entire town, and that it must be fun to sit at Luke's and people-watch. She opens the menu and asks if the Caesar Salad is good. Lorelai says it probably is, but that she's never had it. More chit-chat about the preparation of the food at the diner, whether or not the eggs are coddled, and what salad would be better than another until Lorelai says this is all a little confusing for her. They never get together for lunch, and especially not in Stars Hollow at Luke's. Luke walks over to take the order. When Emily asks how his Caesar dressing is prepared, Luke says he'll have to check with Paul Newman to find out. Emily orders the Cobb salad and an iced tea. Lorelai gets the usual. He asks if she wants pie today. Lorelai says, "No thanks." Luke teases her about trying to look good for the big day. Lorelai tells him to check the frying oil with his face. Emily asks what that was all about. Lorelai says it was just a little "small-town charm," and asks why Emily asked her to lunch. Emily says she wanted to spend some time with her daughter. "Mom," Lorelai says, knowing that's not the honest answer. Emily says that sometimes Rory will stop by after school, so they see her alone, but never Lorelai. When they're all together, even when Rory tries to leave the room, Lorelai will go with her. "Is this really a me and you lunch, no hidden agenda?" Lorelai asks. "Of course not," Emily answers. "Okay, fine," Lorelai says. Emily tells Lorelai that she talked to Christopher. She called him last week, and they talked for a very long time: "He is not in love with that woman. He never came out and said it but I could tell from his voice. He would much rather be with you and Rory." Lorelai is mortified that her mother called her ex-boyfriend to discuss their relationship. "I think you need to talk to him," Emily says. She thinks that all Christopher needs is to hear Lorelai say that she wants this, too. Lorelai says that Emily shouldn't have called Christopher. Emily says that someone had to, and that she wasn't going to just sit by and watch this situation explode. "You two belong together," she says. She says it took years for Lorelai to figure this out, and now that she's got it, she can't just let it go away because of a little complication. Lorelai says that Sherri's pregnancy is more than a little complication. "Women have gotten pregnant since the beginning of time, Lorelai," Emily drones. Hee. She says that Sherri is just trying to trap Christopher, and that Lorelai can't let that happen. Lorelai says that this is none of Emily's business. Emily says it affects Lorelai and Rory, and that they are both her business. Lorelai warns Emily not to get involved: "Butt out. Don't call Christopher and talk about me or us. Just stay out of it." She gets up to leave. Emily tells her not to walk out on her. Lorelai says she's not going to discuss this with her now or ever and she knows that Emily's not going to respect her about this, so Emily might as well tell Christopher that Lorelai said hello. Emily says that a family like this doesn't just happen; you have to work for it, fight for it. Lorelai leaves Luke's with a slamming of the door.
Chilton. I guess it's Friday, since the student council is meeting again. A week goes so quickly around here. The ancient librarian is in the hospital right now, but once she gets out, she'll sign Paris's document and they can get a new librarian. Yay! Fraulein and Louisa are back. Somehow they're now on the Student Council. Louisa wants to throw a back-to-school dance. "Dances are distracting," Paris says. Louisa counters with the fact that dances will bring in the money for those "stupid topiaries" Paris wants in the quad. Paris tells her to draft a proposal and have it on her desk by the morning. She has a desk? Just one desk? Fraulein wants a professional photographer to take the senior pictures this year so they don't have those "Before They Were Stars" unfortunate photographs like everyone else. Paris asks for suggestions and Louisa tells her that Helmut Newton is her godfather. Paris asks for him to leave the whips and chains at home, but otherwise she's fine with it. Paris is about to adjourn the meeting, but Francie wants to address the hemline issue again. Paris says she hasn't had time to think about it yet. "I guess I can wait. For a while," Francie says with a glance to Rory. "Patience is a virtue," Paris says as she gavels the meeting to a close. Francie gives Rory the slow, hairy eyeball.
Paris asks Rory, "Hey. What do you think about Helmut Newton being Louise's godfather? Explains a lot, doesn't it?" Rory suggests that perhaps Paris should think about the hemline thing. She says that if girls want the option to make their skirts a little shorter, it's not a big deal. Paris says it is a big deal to her, since she's building a legacy and doesn't want to start it with some fashion issue: "It would be my gays in the Military." Rory says it would be a good way to establish some goodwill among the other class presidents, since Paris might need them to support an issue of hers in the future. Throwing them a tiny bone like the hemlines could help out. And since it's the beginning of the term, nobody's even going to remember the first thing Paris passed. Rory says that Paris's legacy will be established: "By the time that you implement public executions for line-cutters, hemlines will be a thing of the past." Paris asks Rory why she even cares about this. Rory lies that she thinks that Paris would want to be beloved as well as respected. Paris is interested in being beloved. Paris says she'll push it through. "But the genius who comes up with the brilliant plan to put Elizabeth Arden in the Chemistry class? Can bite my ass." Is that the first time "bite my ass" has been said on network television?
Lorelai stumbles down the stairs and tells Rory she doesn't want to go to Emily's tonight. Rory says she has to. Lorelai still can't believe that Emily called Christopher. Rory says Emily thought she was helping. "You do know there isn't a Santa Claus, don't you?" Lorelai asks. Rory begs Lorelai to forget all about this and let it go. Lorelai says that sometimes you have to cut people out of your life. Rory reminds Lorelai that Emily is Lorelai's mother. Lorelai demands some tests to prove it. She assumes that Emily is probably on the phone with Kirk right now asking him about china patterns. The phone rings; it's Kirk. He gets confused by the answering machine. "And that's the guy who likes me!" Lorelai says. She asks Rory to look into her eyes and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time so they can have a Freaky Friday, in a shout-out to Djb's award-winning Gilmore Girls spec script. Rory says that they can just pretend to switch and Lorelai can walk around acting all immature: "Oh, wait...." Heh. Rory doesn't want to switch places with Lorelai, since she doesn't want to date Kirk. The phone rings again. It's Kirk, and as he's leaving a message, his mother picks up the phone. She's confused, thinking her doctor is on the phone, and Lorelai bolts from the house as Kirk and his mother bicker on Lorelai's machine. Strummy-strummy-la-la music takes us to commercials.
Gonna do some finger warm-ups before the remaining fifteen minutes. The doorbell rings a few times. Emily answers the door, and Lorelai says that something must be wrong with the bell. Emily rolls her eyes and says it's not the doorbell that's the problem. Enter the maid. Her name is Sarah on the show, but her real name is Christy Keefe, and she went to my rival high school. She and I did Sleeping Beauty together. She played Beauty's mother, the Queen, and I was...I was the wicked witch, okay? Are you happy now? Anyway, I never saw her again after the eleventh grade until I moved to Los Angeles where I ran into her at a club because we had a mutual friend that she met in Arizona or something. It's a very small world. And now, Christy Keefe is in my living room as Emily's latest maid. She's supposed to be a very Amelia Bedelia kind of maid, who doesn't exactly make all of the mental connections necessary to get a job done. She is just now starting to figure out which bell is the door and which bell is the oven. Big bell is the door.
Emily invites Rora and Lorelai in for a drink. Emily's tense, stressed, and in no mood for jokes. Rory asks for soda. Emily sees that the liquor cart is empty, and offers Rory water instead. When the girls ask if Emily's tense, Emily barks that she's not. She takes a seat, asking Rory about school. Rory says that school is good. Small talk, small talk, small talk. Emily asks Rory if she's taking any kind of physical education, and whether she has plans to do so in the future. Lorelai promises to tell Emily if Rory ever decides to chase a ball and take a public shower. "Dinner's ready," Sarah announces. Emily reminds Sarah that dinner isn't until y PM, and that it's only 6:30. Confused, Sarah says, "But food's ready now." Emily says that it's fine and that they'll just eat now. "We're eating," Emily says, standing up. Lorelai and Rory get up, priceless looks of shock on their faces, as they all walk to the dining room together. "Let's go!" Emily says. "It's fine. It's better! Then we can all be in bed by nine." Lorelai asks what's up with Emily and the new maid. Emily says Sarah's new, and that she's only been there three days, so she's still getting the hang of things. Lorelai says, "Mom, you've had maids deported that were better than her." Emily confesses that Richard teased her about not being able to keep a maid. Emily says that is a gross exaggeration, and that although she's had maids who haven't worked out, she's also had maids she's loved. Lorelai tells her to name one. After some thought, Emily remembers Deah. She took Lorelai shopping once. Lorelai asks how old she was at the time. "I don't know," Emily says. Lorelai tells her to make a guess. "Four, five." Lorelai is outraged that Emily hasn't liked a maid since Lorelai was five. Emily says she's liked plenty of maids, but Lorelai asked Emily to name one she loved. Lorelai asks what happened to Deah. Emily has no idea, of course, but she did love that maid. Sarah enters with the salad. Just as she's about to place it on the table the doorbell rings. "Oops! Big bell!" she says and takes off with the salads to answer the door. "Pass the wine, Lorelai," Emily says. Lorelai asks if she'd like a straw. "You're enjoying this?" Emily asks. Lorelai admits that she is.
It's Christopher. He demands to talk to Lorelai, who accuses Emily of setting this up. Emily insists that she had nothing to do with this. Christopher says he knew Lorelai would be here, and that since Lorelai wasn't returning his calls, he had no choice but to show up. Emily repeats that she did not do this. Lorelai gets up and pushes Christopher into the other room, telling him that he has to leave. He says he won't go until she talks to him. Emily tells them to come back into the dining room. Rory listens, a fretful look on her face.
In the foyer, Christopher asks Lorelai why she won't call him back. Lorelai says that there couldn't be a worse time to have this conversation. She tells him to go home, promising that she'll call him the day. She says that she's never lied to him, and that there's no reason for him to doubt her word. Christopher says that forty-five unreturned phone calls sounds like a reason to him. He says that shutting him out like this is wrong, and that the worst thing is that she's keeping Rory from him. Lorelai says she isn't keeping Rory from him at all. "I never, ever thought you'd do that," Christopher spits. He can't believe that Rory won't call him back either. No matter where he and Lorelai had been with each other over the years, his relationship with Rory was always good, "until now."
Rory storms in and says she didn't call Christopher back because she didn't want to: "Me. Mom had nothing to do with it." Lorelai gently tells Rory to calm down, but Rory's too upset, telling Christopher, "You promised me. You promised me at Sookie's wedding that this was going to work, that you were going be there. You promised me." Christopher asks Rory to understand. Rory replies, "No, I always understand. And I don't want to understand. I don't even really want to talk about this right now. I've got Mom. That's all I need. Go be somebody else's dad." Christopher tells her not to say that. Rory tells Lorelai she's going upstairs, and that she wants to be called when Christopher's gone.
Rory leaves, and Christopher comments, "She did not get there by herself." Lorelai asks if Christopher's ever met his daughter, because she's capable of getting lots of places by herself. Christopher tries to go and talk to Rory, but Lorelai says that Rory wants to be alone to cool off: "Respect that. I'll talk to her later." Christopher says that the idea of Lorelai talking to Rory makes him feel so much better. Lorelai tells him to leave right now. "This isn't right," he says, following her toward the door. "She needs a father." Lorelai spins around and says, "I know she needs her father. I've been telling her she needs her father. But she feels like her father bailed on her and she's mad and hurt and I can't change that in three minutes." Christopher says he doesn't like this situation. This wasn't what he wanted. After what they had going. Lorelai asks if he even remembers why they're here right now -- what event led them to this moment. Christopher says that has nothing to do with this. Lorelai stops herself from screaming and strangling Christopher by shrieking, "What do you want from me?" Christopher: "I wanna talk!" Lorelai: "About what?" Christopher says he doesn't like how things have turned out. This wasn't what he wanted. "But that's how they are!" Lorelai says. Christopher says a few times that this isn't what he wanted. Lorelai asks if Sherri is still pregnant. "Of course she is," Christopher says. "Are you still with her?" Yes. "Are you going to marry her?" After a pause, Christopher says, "Yes." Lorelai is in tears as she says, "Then honey, we are where we are. Accept it." Christopher says he can't. Lorelai yells, "Don't you understand that I can't talk to you because it hurts? Talking to you really hurts! Standing here right now is killing me, okay? Don't you understand that?" "Christopher?" comes Emily's voice from the entryway. I know this is supposed to be a very solemn moment, but the close-up on Emily is awkward and she's wearing that Sgt. Pepper's outfit. Emily tells him to leave. Lorelai doesn't even look at him as he walks out the door. "You know you need a mask and a horse when you do that," she says to Emily. Emily gives a small smile and then runs off when she realizes something is burning.
Lorelai walks out the front door to see Christopher starting his motorcycle. Where's the Volvo, dude? She tells him to give it some time. He leaves, without a helmet.
Walking through Stars Hollow at night, Lorelai says that was a fun night. "Yep," Rory says. "I haven't had that much fun since labor," Lorelai notes. "Ba-dum-bum," Rory finishes. Rory can't believe that Christopher just came over. "He misses you," Lorelai says. "He misses you," Rory counters. "We're very missable." Lorelai says that Christopher loves Rory very much and never meant to hurt her. "No, he never means to," Rory says. "But he does. And I don't care what he says or does, I'm not going to his wedding." Lorelai says that Rory might regret that in the future, though. "It's the wrong wedding," Rory says. Lorelai says that things happen for a reason. This is her new philosophy, along with her being a Communist because she looks kick-ass in red. They decide to splurge on some late-night junk food. As they map out their plan outside Doose's Market, Kirk walks up. "Oh, no," Lorelai says quietly. Lorelai tells Rory to go inside, saying she'll deal with it. Kirk tells Lorelai he knows she hasn't made up her mind yet, but he'd like to know if she has an allergy to tuna. Lorelai says she doesn't. Kirk goes to leave, but Lorelai tells him she's made up her mind. "And it's fully formed?" he asks. He offers to have his mother call her. Lorelai says she just got out of a weird relationship and she's not fully over the shock of it yet and she doesn't want to hurt Kirk because he's her friend, so she has to say no. She apologizes. "Was the tuna inquiry too personal?" he asks. "Oh, no," Lorelai says perfectly. "I thought it was very thoughtful." Kirk asks if she might be interested later, but she says she won't. "Well, at least I asked," he says. He says goodnight and leaves.
Rory runs into Jess in the aisle where she first kissed Dean. Jess asks why she's giving him the cold shoulder. He follows her, asking how Washington was. She starts asking how his summer was. He says nothing happened. She keeps asking, so he makes some small talk about snow cones and a heat wave. Finally he tells her that the girl's name is Shane. "As in, 'Come back'?" Rory asks. "Yep," Jess answers. Rory goes on about how great that all is. Jess asks if she's upset about something. He says that he noticed Shane didn't bring a smile to Rory's face. Rory says she "could care less" about him and Shane. No, Rory, you couldn't. This is the second recap in a row where I had to point this out. People! If you say you could care less it means you actually care. You have care invested. You care. It means you care. Rory says Jess's relationship with Shane surprised Rory because of what happened at Sookie's wedding. Jess asks whether he heard from Rory at all this summer -- whether she called or wrote to him even once. "You kiss me. You tell me not to say anything -- very flattering, by the way. You go off to Washington, then nothing. Then you come back here all put out because I didn't just sit around and wait for you like Dean would have done? And, yeah, what about Dean? Are you still with him? Because last time I checked, you were. And I haven't heard anything to the contrary. Plus the two of you walking around the other day like some damn Andy Hardy movie? Seemed like you were pretty together. I half-expected you to break into a barn and put on a show." Rory says she's amazed Jess saw her at all with Shane's head plastered to his face. Jess asks again whether Rory called Jess at all or wrote to him or even tried to contact him: "Are you still with Dean?" She falters, so he tells her just to say yes or no. Rory confesses that she's still with Dean. "Glad to hear it," he says. "Glad to tell it," she says. "See you around." "Whatever." "Right back atcha." Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first scene ever where I liked Jess. Yep, it's true. I like him when he doesn't need her, and he's not trying to meddle her out of a relationship. I like it when she can't just have him however and whenever she wants. I like pissed-off Jess who doesn't really give a shit about Rory. I hope this sticks around for a little while, as I'm enjoying this Rory-is-Christopher thing.
Strummy-strummy-la-la plays as Rory and Lorelai walk out of the store. "All done?" Lorelai asks. "Oh, yeah, I'm done," Rory spits.
Mr. Announcer Man just said there's a new episode week, but didn't give us any teasers. What a tease!