Hey, everybody. How was your summer? No time for chit-chat -- the girls are back!
A Hello Kitty alarm clock goes off at 7 AM. Beside it rests a book and a photograph of Lorelai and Rory. Lorelai silences the alarm clock by giving Hello Kitty a good beating. She starts go fall back asleep, but another alarm clock goes off. This confuses Lorelai, so she slowly rolls over to smack another alarm clock, this one on her other bedside table. Another alarm goes off. Another. Another. More noise. More. A cuckoo clock. Lorelai props herself up on her elbows and pouts. "You are hilarious!" she shouts. Pull back to see that the entire room is filled with alarm clocks.
We start Season Three with a shot of Lauren Graham's legs all the way up to her Lorelai. I'm not complaining, but man. Way to keep the MILF fetishists right off the bat. Lorelai walks down the stairs in her tiny nightgown, explaining that when she insisted on getting woken up at 7 AM, she meant she'd rather just have the option of getting up at 7 AM, rather than this no-going-back- very-loud option that must have cost a pretty penny at IKEA. When Lorelai finally finishes her very long sentence, she's in the kitchen...with Luke. Lorelai's in her skivvies and Luke's making some kind of breakfast at the stove. Lorelai pulls the coffee container out of the freezer, sniffs it and declares it to be decaf. Luke, dropping bacon onto a plate, insists that it isn't. Lorelai say she knows by the smell. Luke says he's too busy a man to sneak around switching her coffee. Lorelai finds a Ziploc baggie of her real coffee underneath the sink. She celebrates her find. Luke challenges her to go one day without coffee. He bribes her by saying he'll put a toy in her cereal. "Dirty!" Lorelai scoffs. He hands her the giant plate of food and says he's gotten her up and fed her and now he's off. Lorelai: "Hey, we need Q-Tips." Luke: "I'll alert the media." I've heard that joke somewhere before. Lorelai says it's better with the accent. Luke says the reference is enough. Right. See? I knew it was from somewhere. Where? Hold on...Accent...Summer vacation has made my brain rusty. In a weak moment I had to ask someone else. It's from Arthur, dammit, when Arthur announces he's going to take a bath. Right? Yes? That sounds good enough. There are fifty-seven more minutes to go, so I can't dwell on this. So, I'm satisfied with that answer. Luke tells Lorelai he'll be home early, asks what else she needs besides Q-Tips ("Cotton balls, world peace, Connie Chung's original face back") and plants one on Lorelai. They kiss long enough for us to know this is a dream sequence. Ah, the staple of season openers. Luke leans down and kisses Lorelai's stomach. "Goodbye, Sid and Nancy," he says. "Leopold and Loeb," Lorelai corrects him. She says she's changed her mind, and asks Luke not to tell Rory yet. "Decaf," Luke says again. "Never," Lorelai whines. Luke: "They'll both have two heads." Lorelai: "More to love!" They kiss again, this time with Lorelai on tiptoe, and Luke heads out the back door instead. As Lorelai smiles into the sunlight, holding her stomach with both hands...
...Lorelai wakes from a nightmare! Bet you never saw that one coming. ["I did, but I was still bitter. If they're going to break up CuteDean and Rory and stick her with stupid Jess -- as they obviously are -- the least they can do for me is hook up Luke and Lorelai." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai wears a lot of clothes to sleep. She tangles in the sheets and throws herself out of the bed to call Rory on the phone.
Rory is trying to be in a dorm in Washington, but wakes up in the middle of the night for her codependent relationship. "You have to come home," Lorelai says, complaining that the house is quiet without Rory there and they've cancelled Politically Correct with Bill Maher, ignoring the fact that it says right in the title that he's supposed to say things that aren't P.C. Rory sits up (also in lots of clothes) and offers to analyze Lorelai's bad dream. Lorelai recaps Paragraph One of my recap, substituting the word "fabulous" for "tiny" when describing her nightgown. Rory asks a couple of times whether Luke was naked in the dream until Lorelai tells Rory that she's been in Washington way too long. Rory says that Lorelai would be "so fat" with twins. Her analysis: "The dream was telling you that you are secretly in love with Luke and you want to marry him and have his twins." Lorelai gives an "uh, no." Rory says that an analysis can't be rejected, as though Lorelai were shopping for bathing suits. "Give me another analysis!" Lorelai Veruca Salts. She threatens to re-analyze Rory's dream about Taylor Hula-Hooping. Rory insists that Taylor was supposed to be CuteDean in the dream, since he had a full head of floppy hair. Rory tries again: "Maybe you're still upset about what happened with Dad and jealous of Sherri because she's having his baby and not you." And...Season Two has been officially recapped. Lorelai pouts and says she misses Rory, who says she misses Lorelai as well. Paris -- Rory's roommate, who has been hidden behind Rory all this time -- starts tossing in her sleep, shouting, "Woodward! Bernstein!" Rory tells Lorelai that Paris has long in-depth arguments in her sleep, so she's glad this is Rory's last day here. Lorelai asks what's on the agenda for today. Rory says she has a breakfast mixer with members of the Senate and Congress. Lorelai: "Cool. See if you can steal me something off of Tom Daschle's fruit plate." I'm pretty sure that just about everything that goes near or inside of Daschle these days goes through very tight security. Don't fuck with Daschle's mangos. The girls hang up with a mutual "See you Friday." Strummy-strummy-la-la music starts up (Did you miss it? Did you miss the song?) as Rory makes her way over to her desk. Whoa, she's gotten pretty skinny over the summer. She opens a notebook to find several love letters from CuteDean. Finally! Finally we have a way to let CuteDean know that he's getting screwed by Rory. We can mail him at his grandparents' house! Ready?
Dean Forester
106 Don Ridge Dr.
Chicago, IL
Aw, man. Not one shout-out in the entire address. Rory's address makes even less sense ("Rory Gilmore/ 1765 Harring/ Washington D.C. / 2005"). Rory piles up the letters and moves them out of the way. She sits before a clean sheet of notebook paper. "Dear Jess," the letter has begun. Heartbreaker! Harlot! Jezebel! The music stops. Paris tumbles in her sleep again, this time with the not-funny-enough- for-the-capper "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." The music starts back up again as Rory frets over her two-timing letter.
Opening credits. For those of you keeping score, CuteDean's listed in the credits before Jess. Maybe it's because Padaleckekili comes before Ventimailighangahila, but whatever. Kirk's in the credits now. Way to go, Kirk!
The kitchen at Sookie's house. The chalkboard behind them still reads "Congrats...Sookie and Jackson" from the engagement party, I think. Lorelai can't believe she's eating Kosher bacon. "I am so Jewish," she says. Jackson's about to enter the kitchen, so Sookie feverishly warns him that Lorelai is there. Lorelai covers her face with her napkin. Jackson enters, fully dressed, and says there was only that one time he accidentally came down naked. "Well, once was enough," Lorelai says. Sookie asks Jackson to look through a few color samples for the paint she's going to buy. Sookie says they're painting the house. Jackson says that they aren't. "The whole house?" Lorelai asks. "Just the inside," Sookie grins. Jackson says that they aren't going to do it. Lorelai says that she and Rory will help paint. Jackson tells Lorelai that if she's going to come over every day, she has to listen to both of them. ("Written and directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino.") Sookie says that this used to be her house, but now it's their house, so she wants it to feel like it's their house. Jackson says he's happy with it now. Sookie asks how he could possibly like it, since there are flowers everywhere. Jackson says he likes flowers, since he's a produce guy. "The curtains are ruffly," Sookie says. "I like ruffles!" Jackson argues. "How can you like ruffles?" Sookie wonders. "Because I'm very, very gay," Jackson answers. Sookie scolds him as Jackson leans in for a kiss goodbye. Lorelai eats Sookie's bacon ("Dirty!") as Sookie makes her pick out paint samples. Lorelai reminds Sookie that Jackson's fine with the house the way it is. Sookie says he might not resent her décor now, but that he will later, and then he'll resent the house, and her by extension, and she's trying to avoid all of that, once she "butch[es] the place up a little." Lorelai says she's got to go, but she's very thankful for the breakfast and the bacon. She notes that bacon is very manly, and suggests that perhaps Sookie could just nail slabs of bacon on the walls. The smell of rotting meat? Very manly. Sookie tells her goodbye. "Okay, but if you're still thinking paint, you're still thinking like a chick!" Lorelai says as she dons her floppy hat.
Cardigan Man is sans cardigan and sans upright mobility. He's in a wheelchair, leg propped up in a cast of some kind, and he's wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt. Everything has changed over the hiatus! You'd think they'd be more creative than this, but Lorelai asks Taylor whether he's figured out who put that banana peel on his doorstep. Taylor says he's got a few suspects. Lorelai asks about all the activity on the town's mall. Taylor has invented the First Annual Stars Hollow End-Of-Summer Madness Festival. "You finally found a way to fill September, didn'tcha?" Lorelai asks. Taylor says this is going to be very exciting. He's got a band coming in from New York. Food, games, wildness. He's ordered the best banner of all time. "Taylor, you're on fire!" Lorelai says. "Oh, I love this banner!" Taylor growls. He turns his electric wheelchair around to begin badgering some other Stars Hollow Townie, leaving Lorelai alone in front of Luke's. She looks through the window as the strummy-strummy-la-la heartbreak song hums quietly in the background. Lorelai pouts as she watches Luke take some other girl's order ("Dirty!"). She walks away as Taylor keeps harping on the unseen Townie.
Washington. Paris is harping on Senator Barbara Boxer, who is trying to be polite to Paris by smiling nicely. Paris: "Do you really think it looks good to have the American Secretary of the Treasury traveling around with Bono? I mean, I know apparently he's a saint, he's going to save the world, yada yada yada, but my God! He never even takes the sunglasses off. We have an image to maintain. Don't we? I mean, aren't we at least trying to pretend we're the superpower in this world? I mean, why don't we just send Carson Daly over to the Middle East time Cheney goes, huh?" Don't think they won't, Paris. "Or, hey! Hook up Freddie Prinze Jr. with Colin Powell time he meets with NATO. I mean, hell! Let's hear what Freddie has to say, right?" Barbara interrupts Paris to introduce her to Republican Doug Ose from California. She says that Ose and Paris would have a lot to talk about. She's actually pretty funny with her quick "You don't? Great." Ose looks terrified, and gives a quiet "Uh, Barbara?" Paris sizes Ose up and says, "Let's take a walk."
I don't know what's up with this guy, but he's not exactly...how do I say this? He's not good. He makes some small talk with Rory about the fact that it's their last day. He asks, "So, in your opinion, how was our nation's capital?" Rory says that getting to see Archie Bunker's armchair in the Smithsonian was a really big deal to her. "Yes, there are times when this country's priorities are exactly right," the guy says in one of the worst line readings in this show's history -- all hurried and stilted like he's trying to get off the screen as quickly as possible. In fact, everyone in the room watching the show with me turned to go, "Who's this guy and what's up with his bad acting?" He asks where Paris is. Rory says that the last time she saw her, Paris was "beating the will to live out of our nation's representatives." "She's a hammer, isn't she?" Stilted Joe says. "Actually, she's the entire tool box," Rory counters. Paris storms up to the buffet table, commenting that she always catches the most interesting representatives right when they have to use the bathroom. Uncle Stilty's got a name: it's Jamie. They have a small conversation about how they're going to be on the same side of the debate this afternoon. Paris, loading up at the buffet table, doesn't notice that Jamie is hitting on her. "God, I love this," she says. "You don't realize how unqualified most of America's youth is until you gather them all up in a room and make them speak." Paris is the best thing since Alex P. Keaton. Jamie is asking Paris out to dinner for a "victory" celebration after the debate. Paris is still noting strategy, pointing out that one of her opponents has asthma and the other one cries. Paris stuffs a sandwich into her mouth as she agrees to dinner. Jamie stiltedly touches her on the elbow and says he'll see her at 7 PM. He walks away, unnatural smile taped to his face. Rory walks up to congratulate and coo with Paris over her date. Paris didn't know she was being asked out on a date. "Did I accept?" she asks. Rory tells her that she did. "I'm going on a date," Paris says again. "Aw, man!" she whines. "I can't believe this. I finally get asked out on a date and I missed it?" Liza Weil got a tan over the summer. She's got this bronzy glow about her. She's also starting to look a little too womanly for high school. "Was it a good ask-out?" she asks Rory. "Wish I'd been there." Paris lets it all sink in that she's got a date, tonight, with Jamie: "A Princeton man. I can overlook that." Paris still can't believe she's got a date. She wiggles with pride. Congressman Ose walks out of the bathroom, spots Paris, and jumps back into the bathroom.
Independence Inn. Kirk is explaining to Michel that cows never wrinkle. Kirk says that he did some research and found out the secret to cows. Lorelai enters, looking for something, and Michel tells her that Kirk is just about to explain the difference between humans and cows. "Other than one's a cow?" Lorelai asks. Michel tells her to shut up so that Kirk can continue being Kirk. "Hay," Kirk explains. Cows eat hay and people don't, so it must be the hay that keeps them so wrinkle-free. Kirk has developed a line of skin care products called "Hay There." Lorelai says they already have a line of beauty products at the Inn, and don't need a new one. Kirk offers to leave several sample cases. Lorelai points out that cows eat grass, but Kirk says that "Grass There" wasn't as catchy. "So sad not to have a cocktail in your hand every time he comes by, huh?" Michel asks. Lorelai answers the phone. It's Emily, who has just gotten back from Martha's Vineyard, and can't believe that Lorelai hasn't called the house yet, since she promised to call once they got back into town. This launches into a very lengthy, wordy argument about how the day just started, so technically Lorelai hasn't done anything wrong yet by not calling because there's lots of day left in which Lorelai could have called, but Emily still hated coming home to a house that didn't have a welcome in it from Lorelai. Eventually, Lorelai backs down and apologizes. She then lies to Emily and says that Rory isn't coming back into town until Saturday. This launches into another long bit about how Emily was sure that Rory was coming back on Friday, and that it was written into her calendar, and even Richard thought that Rory got back on Friday. She wanted Lorelai and Rory to bring Christopher to dinner with them. Lorelai lies again that Christopher is away on business, but that she'll send their regards. Emily tells her to make Christopher come the week instead: "I want to see the three of you together." "Yes," Lorelai mopes. "That would be a nice picture." Lorelai stares into space as we go to commercial. Doesn't it seem strange that suddenly her parents want Lorelai with Christopher? How excited they are just because they kissed for a day? I don't really get it. ["They did establish in the pilot that at least Richard likes Christopher a great deal." -- Wing Chun]
Rory's dorm room. Paris is frantic, preparing for her date. But who won the debate, Paris? Who won? Rory is on the phone pretending to be CuteDean's girlfriend. CuteDean looks over his shoulder at a football game, pretending to listen to Rory. They say they miss each other until Paris tells them to stop being cute. She tells Rory that she needs help. Rory tells CuteDean that Paris has a date. "Really?" he asks. "Don't sound so surprised," Paris snaps. Rory asks Paris how she knew what CuteDean said at all, since he's on the phone. Paris says she's genius and clairvoyant and knows that when people hear the word "Paris" followed by the word "date," jaws will drop and then chaos will ensue as people are convinced the end of the world must be near. Paris is very pretty with her hair down, so she immediately yanks it up into a tight ponytail. Rory says that she has to get off the phone to calm Paris down. "I love you," CuteDean says. "Gotta go," Rory answers, and hangs up the phone. Ah, love.
Rory tells Paris that, in general, she needs to calm down. Paris freaks that she's not ready yet -- that her makeup isn't done and she hasn't gone through Zagat to pick out a restaurant. Rory tells Paris to let Jamie pick out the restaurant. Paris worries that Jamie might not know about Zagat and might take them to a place that's just a front for a cocaine ring. She wants a planned-out dinner, rose petals on the floor, like other girls get: "I can't date! I'm not genetically set up for it!" She's getting no pleasure out of this. "It's a dare," she concludes. "He was dared to take me out. I bet Trent Lott was behind this." Rory does Paris's makeup, saying there's no way Trent Lott was behind this. Paris worries that she might fall for Jamie and then he won't like her. Rory says that if that happens, Paris will just have to find somebody else. "What if there is nobody else?" Paris worries. "Then you'll buy some cats," Rory answers. Paris wishes she could know if he was the right one so she doesn't get her heart broken, get sidetracked from her goals, or give up on her dreams. Rory says that Paris should wear her hair down. "How do you know if a guy's right for you?" Paris asks. This starts Rory on a monologue about how you just feel when a guy is right. She justifies her attraction to Jess by saying that you want someone who is just like you, but just different enough that he drives you crazy. You want someone who likes what you like, loves what you love, shares the same tastes, but then is someone that everyone hates and tells you is awful. Someone with a criminal record, maybe, or only one camouflage shirt. Someone who has weird hair and is pretty unreliable. Someone who will steal the bracelet your boyfriend made for you, crash the car your boyfriend made for you, and write in your book that he stole when you weren't in your room. Someone who makes you and your mother fight like your mother and her mother. A kid who has entire forum threads dedicated to prayers pleading for his quick, swift, pain-filled death. A kid who some people just call Poochie. Whatever keeps you from accepting the fact that you're two-timing, Rory. Paris says she hopes she figures it all out before she throws up.
There's a knock at the door. Paris puts on her sweater, saying that Jamie's here. She thanks Rory for the help, and tells her to get into the closet. She doesn't want Jamie to walk in and see another potential datable and change his mind. She doesn't want competition before the date even begins. Uh, there's still a guy at the door, y'all. They keep arguing about whether Rory should get into the closet until Paris pleads with her and Jamie knocks on the door again. Rory gets into the closet. "When you get home, you need to get a new therapist," Rory says, "because the one you have is really not working." Paris thanks Rory through the closed closet door. She opens the dorm-room door. Jamie stiltedly tells Paris that she looks really nice. "Well, this is a really good sweater," she explains with embarrassment. It's my favorite line of the episode. Jamie asks if she likes Italian food. She does. He's happy, because he made a reservation at a place that the Zagat guide said was really good. They leave, shutting the door as the sultry strummy-strummy-la-la kicks in. Inside the closet, Rory works on her letter to Jess, holding a flashlight above her notebook. Yes, Rory. Banish that love to the hidden dark, dusty corners where it belongs. Hide it. Keep it a secret. Put it away. Store it with mothballs.
MamaLane's antique shop. Sookie asks Lorelai how she could not tell her parents about Christopher. Lorelai says that everything was so quiet and peaceful with them out of town and Rory away. "It just seemed quieter," she says. Sookie holds up a white naked male statue lamp thing and asks if it's "manly." "In an Oscar Wilde sort of way," Lorelai answers. Sookie tells Lorelai that she'll have to tell them tonight. Lorelai is wearing some kind of lingerie top that she must have stolen from Sheryl Crow. Sookie finds a shaving table. She thinks it's perfect. Lorelai points out that it costs $1200. MamaLane rushes up and barks that it's an antique. "Where did she come from?" Sookie asks, a little frightened. MamaLane says that they're looking at Sherman's shaving table: "General Sherman. Burned Atlanta. Liked a close shave." Everyone missed MamaLane, I know. MamaLane offers Sookie 10% off. Sookie says that she still wants to look around. "It's very nice," Sookie says. "I know it's very nice," MamaLane says as she leaves. Lorelai notes that MamaLane would have made a very good nun. Sookie asks how Lorelai's going to tell her parents about Christopher. She says she was planning on doing it like Nell. "Chicka chicka chicka baaaay!" I think that perhaps Lauren Graham has never seen Nell, and didn't we all stop doing Nell jokes in 1998? Just wondering. Lorelai promises to tell them. Sookie coos over a mounted trout. "It's a dead fish," Lorelai winces. "It's an antique," Sookie corrects, planning on putting it over the mantle. She thinks it's manly. Very "Ralph Lauren." Lorelai calls it "Leon Troutsky." I think perhaps Amy let her husband do a little script tweaking, wondering if we'd still hate the script if it had her name on it even when he wrote it. I can tell he did it and I'm not falling for no Daniel Palladino in my tailpipe. Lorelai giddily announces that she's off to go pick up Rory at the airport before she swings by to pick her and Jackson up for the festival. Pick up to go where? Isn't the festival just outside their doors? And how much exposition do we need? Lorelai offers MamaLane ten bucks to not let Sookie buy the fish. MamaLane asks for twenty. Lorelai gives it to her.
"Airport." Somehow, Lorelai gets to go past the gate. Rory and Lorelai do that weird call the name, run, hug thing that people don't do. Then, because they're the only people in the world who matter, they tackle each other to the ground, tossing bags and suitcases everywhere, and just stay there, right in the middle of the airport -- right where people are trying to live their lives -- and start girl-talking, gushing and giggling, tangled up in each other. Lorelai has bought Rory presents from the gift shop, since she got there early and got in trouble for feeding Gummi Bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs. "You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me?" Lorelai: "Just a little." Rory: "How much is a little?" Lorelai: "Learn Russian." The airport extras are ridiculous, by the way. A nun reading a newspaper. A guy with a giant turban wearing jeans and a backpack. Lots of people not carrying suitcases just wandering around. Rory looks through the bags and finds a perfectly ugly Hartford sweatshirt, Hartford notebook, pencil set, shot glass, beer mug, baguette, bear, and sunglasses. Lorelai says that they should probably go home now (and get off the floor) so that she can hear all about Washington. She tells Rory that she even got her out of dinner at Emily's so that Rory can spend some quality make-out time with CuteDean. Rory isn't appreciative enough. We get it. She doesn't love CuteDean anymore. We've been getting it for so many episodes. Can CuteDean date Paris ? Because I think that's a match made in heaven. I'm also well aware that we'll never find out how Paris's date went now, since it was last night and in a different city far away. I hate how they always drop the Paris storyline.
Stumbling into their house with suitcases, Lorelai reminds Rory that she could have left some of her books at home. Rory reminds Lorelai that she offered to carry that bag into the house. Lorelai says that, time, Rory shouldn't offer -- she should insist. She points out her new lopsided stance, a result of carrying the heavy baggage. Rory says she feels like she's been away forever. Lorelai pretends she's the living room and says, "Hello, Rory! We missed you." She then says that the ottoman didn't miss Rory, but that's because he's a snob: "Napoleon complex. He really only likes the magazine rack." Rory says she missed all her stuff. "Where's my pillow?" she asks from her bedroom. This goes on for a while and isn't explained if Lorelai snatched Rory's pillow, blanket, and Bauhaus t-shirt because she missed the smell of Rory, or because she just likes Rory's things better. Rory demands her things back, so I guess Lorelai was just going through a little kleptomania. Lorelai plays the answering machine messages and stops Christopher's three syllables in. "Dad?" Rory asks, as if he's somehow in the room. They discuss the fact that he's been calling them over and over and that the two of them are just icing him out. I'm not exactly sure why. It's not like he deliberately got his girlfriend pregnant. It's not like he took off after promising to stay. He didn't do anything wrong. Rory asks whether Lorelai wants company for tonight to help distract Emily and Richard from Lorelai's love life. Lorelai reminds Rory that CuteDean is coming over. Rory says she needs to go change for the festival. Lorelai starts harping on Rory about changing clothes, saying that she doesn't have to get fancied up for the outdoor festival, and that she'll have time to change back here at the house before CuteDean shows up and it's not like there's anybody at the festival worth impressing that she needs to get so fancy and oh my god we get it that Rory is going to look for Jess and why doesn't Lorelai just either come right out and say it or just move on? Lorelai says she doesn't want Rory to freeze out Christopher just because Lorelai is. She says that, eventually, maybe they can go back to the way things were. "But for now, solidarity, sister," Rory says. Lorelai throws her arms in the air and shouts, "Ya-Ya!" Rory notes that Lorelai's been waiting to do that for six weeks. "Ya-Ya!" Lorelai says again. Rory goes to change.
There's a strange outbreak of soccer going on in a yard somewhere. A group of little kids kick a ball as Rory and Lorelai burst through a bush. Lorelai is showing Rory all of the new shortcuts she found through the town. Rory comments that Lorelai must have been really bored while Rory was away. The girls stop at Sookie's door when they hear Jackson screaming, "Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?" Lorelai, always the nosy neighbor, puts her head inside the front door (which isn't closed, for some reason) and watches Sookie and Jackson argue. You see, Sookie has changed the entire house to look like some kind of sportsman's lodge, or the video for George Harrison's "I've Got My Mind (Set On You)." Or is it, "(I've Got My Mind) Set On You." I think it's the latter. They repeat "Set On You" over and over again. Why does this matter? It doesn't. Anyway, Lorelai listens to them fight for a while. Jackson is afraid of the gigantic stuffed bear Sookie has installed in the living room. ["I crave that bear for my own house, by the way." -- Wing Chun] Jackson tells Sookie to put the room back the way it was. She screams that she just wants him to be happy. He yells that he was happy.
Lorelai suggests that she and Rory come back a little later, so the girls walk the five steps to the festival. Oh, man. Cue the a cappella group that will never stop singing "Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days of Summer" for the half hour. You can't escape it. Don't even try. I'll just use the following abbreviation for every time you hear that line of song: LHCD. Then we all know the joke and I can move on without us having to stop and give the joke as much attention as it's asking for. So, yeah, it's just a festival. The winter celebration was much more festive, if you ask me. Lorelai asks Rory whom she's looking for. Rory says she's not looking for anybody; she's just taking in the festivities. We got it. Who the hell are all these people that show up in Stars Hollow for celebrations, anyway? LHCD.
Kirk runs up to Lorelai and asks whether she's used the Hay There products yet. She hasn't. Kirk's glad, because apparently there's been a little problem. I'd say the problem is Kirk's speed addiction, because Sean Gunn's become even skinnier than Rory. Can someone put some food on the Crafts Services table for these people, please? Man. Kirk says that the product has developed some strange reactions to light...and air...and movement. Kirk says that Lorelai needs to get rid of the products, but that throwing them in the trash would be an EPA violation. He suggests that she blast them into space. He promises to come by and pick the stuff up tomorrow. "Hey," Lorelai says to Rory. "Do you sometimes think this town is weird, or is it just me?" Whatever.
Miss Patty's got three kids (the three who didn't get to play soccer) tap-dancing in front of the gazebo, where the men in striped outfits sing LHCD. Lorelai and Rory find Taylor and ask if he's where the mosh pit starts. Taylor's proud of his "band" from New York.
As Lorelai and Taylor bicker, Rory gives herself whiplash looking around for Jess. She finds him, and is appalled. Taylor wheels off. Lorelai sees Rory staring and follows her gaze. It's Jess, of course, making out with a tiny bleached blonde by a tree. He's jamming his hand into the back pocket of her jeans. They are all tongues. We can see her bra. The front of her bra over her tank top. Lorelai jokes that we know what Jess's "What I Did On Summer Vacation" essay will be about: "Guess you dodged a bullet there, huh?" "What do you mean?" Rory says quickly. Lorelai says it just seems lucky that Rory didn't throw everything away for Jess, in light of what they see now. "See what?" Rory snaps. Lorelai: "You're upset." Rory: "I'm not upset." Lorelai: "Yes, you are. I know when you're upset because you look like my mother." Rory thanks Lorelai, and says that since Lorelai doesn't get along with her mother, she knows it's not a compliment to be told she looks like her. Lorelai asks what's wrong. Rory makes a face and says, "Oh, God! It's that."
Okay, prepare yourself for the endless high-pitched conversation that has somehow summed up one year of forum activity. I'd better just transcribe the whole thing so that all of you can do the "That's what I said!" and "Word!" and "Shout-out!" stuff.
Lorelai: Rory, come on. I know you had this crush...
Rory: It wasn't a crush.
Lorelai: Well, I thought it was over. I mean, you haven't talked to him since...
Rory: Sookie's wedding.
Lorelai: You talked to him at Sookie's wedding?
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: He wasn't at Sookie's wedding.
Rory: Yes he was. He had just come back and he came to see me.
Lorelai: Okay, so he crashed Sookie's wedding and...?
Rory: And nothing. He told me that he was back in town. That he moved back and...
Lorelai: Oh, Rory. Come on.
Rory: And we kissed, okay?
Lorelai: You kissed?
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: You kissed like...kissed?
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai asks who kissed whom, and says it matters which one kissed the other one. Rory says that she kissed Jess and he kissed back but it doesn't matter now because he's kissing someone else right now. I imagine that Jess can totally see Rory from where he's standing. Rory says she feels so stupid.
Rory: And that girl? Isn't even his type.
Lorelai: Rory. What are you doing?
Rory: What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm ranting. You should recognize this; I learned from you.
Lorelai: Yeah, but you went to Sookie's wedding with, with Dean.
Rory: I know.
Lorelai: And then you ran off to have some thing with Jess?
Rory: It wasn't a thing, it was a kiss.
Lorelai: A kiss is a thing.
Rory: Well, it wasn't planned; it just happened.
Lorelai: I can't believe it. All this time I'm thinking, "She's with Dean."
Rory: I am with Dean.
Lorelai: No, Rory. Kissing another guy is not being with Dean. Ask him. I bet he'd back me up on that.
Rory: It was nothing.
Lorelai: Then why are you so freaked out?
Rory: I'm not freaked out.
And then, finally, the words we've been repeating since just about this time last year: "Kid, you've got to make up your mind. Jess, Dean, Jess, Dean. It's enough already. You want Jess, that's fine. Go get him. There he is! If you think that's the great love of your life, then great! Grab a liver treat and a squeaky toy and run to him. Don't worry about that girl, because I'm sure he will have moved on to somebody else in about an hour." Why would she think that? We've never seen him have a girlfriend before. Lorelai goes on: "But do something. Dean has been sweet and supportive and incredibly patient and now you are officially treating him like dirt and I'm sorry, but not only is that not you, he doesn't deserve that." LHCD. Lorelai concludes, "God, I wish they knew another song." Rory says she knows all of this about Dean. Apparently she reads the forums, too. She says she knows he's great. Lorelai: "Well, knowing this has apparently not stopped you from dragging his heart all over this town." Point for Lorelai. Rory says that's not fair. Lorelai: "Yes, fair! The fairest! The Snow White of Fair." Rory says that she doesn't want to talk about this anymore. I'd like it if they didn't want to talk at all anymore. My fingers. Falling. Off. Lorelai says that Rory should break up with Dean if she doesn't want to be with him anymore, because it's not fair to him, and he should be with someone who loves him. She says this is all wrong. Rory ad libs that she gets it and she wants Lorelai to stop because CuteDean is late on his cute. I mean "cue." "Rory!" he says in an awkward cut as we watch him run to her. Rory says she thought his plane didn't get in until 6 PM. CuteDean says he managed to get an earlier flight. It's like when the Pink Ladies brought Sandy over to Danny during the bonfire and he's all "That's cool, baby. I mean, you know how it is, rockin' and rollin' and whatnot." Lorelai says she's off to Emily's, and tells Rory and CuteDean to talk all night. Lorelai gives a very final-sounding "See you later." CuteDean holds Rory's hands and asks if he interrupted. Rory says he didn't. Her face is totally upset as she pretends she's happy to see him. They give a tiny, tongueless kiss as Rory pulls her face away and hugs CuteDean instead. They hug passionlessly as Rory watches Jess still making out with a girl he must have paid to kiss him until Rory broke up with CuteDean. CuteDean stands motionless as we watch Rory watch Jess. We. Get. It. LHCD. Wow, do we get that, too. Was that the longest, talkiest scene in Gilmore Girls history? Because I think it was.
Emily's house. Lorelai apologizes for being late. Emily says that's what the "warm" setting on the oven is for. Lorelai asks Emily if they can talk. Emily says that they can talk outside, with drinks. Lorelai says she feels more comfortable talking by the front door, near the exit. Emily calls nonsense on all of that. Richard enters, saying that he might have to take another phone call soon. Emily says that Lorelai has something to tell them. Richard asks whether Lorelai purchased an accurate timepiece. Because nobody says "timepiece" anymore when they mean a watch, the first time I heard him say it I thought he said "an Acura Timepiece," like it's a new kind of car. Because I know nothing about watches or cars, you see. I'm just a simple girl.
Richard, Emily, and Lorelai move outside and sit by the fountain. Richard asks Lorelai what she'd like to drink. He says they have everything, so Lorelai asks for a Jägermeister and a Jell-O shot. "White wine," she adds. They sit, the new help brings over a plate of something, and Lorelai takes a deep breath. Emily interrupts to give Lorelai a souvenir. It's a bag of scone mix. Lorelai laughs. "Scone mix! Wow." Emily says that a new place opened up down the street from their house in Martha's Vineyard, and that they make the perfect scones. Lorelai: "Well, thanks, Mom. I will put this right on the counter and stare at it for many years to come." Emily, disappointed, asks why Lorelai wouldn't make the scones. Lorelai says she's not much of a baker. Emily points out that the instructions are right on the bag, and that they are very good scones. Lorelai says she'll get Sookie to bake the scones. Emily says she can't understand why Lorelai wouldn't want to make the scones herself. Richard says that Rory would love the scones. Scones, scones, scones, scones, scones, scones, scones. "Thanks, Mom. It was really nice of you to think of me and to buy a present when I didn't get you anything," Lorelai says. I'm just kidding. Of course she didn't. Never. Never would Lorelai think of what someone's actual intentions were, or see the good in anything.
Lorelai tries to make her announcement again, but once she says the word "Christopher," Emily interrupts to tell her that they bought him a captain's hat. Before "Captain's Hat" becomes the new "scone," Lorelai stammers in disappointed tones that she and Christopher are...um...well...until Emily understands. She explains to Richard that Lorelai and Christopher aren't together anymore. Richard asks why, and Emily says that a vague explanation is sure to follow. "It just didn't work out, that's all," Lorelai says. "And there it is," Emily says with satisfaction. She tells Lorelai that this is ridiculous, and that Christopher and Lorelai aren't in high school anymore. So maybe she shouldn't harp on Lorelai's relationships, since it isn't any of her business whom Lorelai dates. Richard says he doesn't want to talk about it, but Emily says she does: "You're running around like you have no responsibility in life. Like you can flit from thing to thing --" ("That's not true," Lorelai interrupts) "-- from man to man...." Lorelai says she doesn't flit from man to man. Okay, liar. Emily says that this all affects Rory, too. Richard tells Emily not to waste her breath. Lorelai says she knows that this affects Rory, but that Lorelai's not even doing anything to affect Rory now. Richard tells Lorelai not to raise her voice. Emily demands a reason why it didn't work out, so Lorelai tells them that Sherri is pregnant with Christopher's child, so he's moved back to Boston to be with her. He'll probably marry her (this is Lorelai's assumption, mind you) and be with her and not herself and Rory and be the daddy he was supposed to be in another family that isn't theirs. Richard says that Christopher and Sherri will certainly get married because he knows Christopher, and knows that Christopher always tries to do the right thing. I seem to remember an episode where Richard blamed Christopher for all of their woes. ["Yeah, but then he turned it around on Lorelai once Christopher's shitty parents were gone, accusing Lorelai of rebelling against the marriage plans that Christopher was willing to go along with." -- Wing Chun]
Richard and Emily bicker over which family Christopher is more responsible for until Lorelai begs them to stop discussing it. Emily tells Lorelai to tell Christopher she wants to get married. Lorelai asks her to stop. "Yes, Emily, please stop," Richard says. He says that Lorelai never does anything unless she wants it, no matter what the consequence is to anyone else." Lorelai, hurt, asks what that's supposed to mean. Emily says that Lorelai wants to be with Christopher. Richard says that Christopher is just trying to live up to his responsibilities, like he did many years ago with Lorelai, when she turned him down and sent him away. Lorelai points out that she was sixteen at the time. Richard says that if Christopher has finally found someone who will allow him to be in a family with his child, then he's going to stay where he's welcome. Emily asks whether Richard supports this. "I understand it," Richard says. "I am shocked by your attitude!" Emily yells. "And I am appalled by your naïveté," Richard counters. He asks whether Emily really expected this all to work out -- whether she pictured holidays and memories with all the Gilmores, and Christopher, together as a family. Richard: "Lorelai had her chance to be a family. She walked away from it." Again, scones in hand, Lorelai walks away from her family as they bicker about what's best for her. Richard: "He has a chance to be a father. I applaud him." Emily: "Then you're an idiot." Richard excuses himself to his office, but Emily yells at him for walking out while they were having a discussion. Lorelai leaves through the front door as Emily and Richard continue their argument somewhere in the depths of the house.
LHCD. Lorelai drives her Jeep into Stars Hollow. She stops in the middle of the street somewhere and parks. She wanders over towards Sookie's to see her and Jackson wheeling the giant bear out of the house. Lorelai looks over at Luke's. It's closed, but that's never stopped her before.
LHCD. She walks right in. "We're closed," Luke says. "I know," Lorelai says. "Look, I didn't come here to make up." How's that for a hello? She goes on: "Or to try to get you to forgive me or talk. I wouldn't even have come here at all but, I had a really crappy night and I really need a cup of coffee." Because Lorelai doesn't know how to make her own cup of coffee and the coffee at Al's Pancake World just isn't good enough. She tells Luke to pretend that she's not herself, not "Me," but "MeMe," a new customer who sits way down at the other end of the counter, drinks her coffee and keeps to herself. Hey, MeMe. They're closed. Lorelai pours her own cup of coffee and promises to clean out the mug when she's done drinking it and then leave. Without paying.
Luke keeps working. Lorelai takes a sip of coffee. Cue the tears. Tears! "This is the second time I let myself do this," Lorelai starts. Luke grimaces into space; he's totally not interested in standing there someone to listen to Lorelai (which to her is a total best friend, someone who doesn't talk and just listens? What could be better?). Lorelai moans and complains that she keeps thinking she's found The One, only to find out that he's not. She thought Max was The Best Thing Ever, only to run away at the altar because she realized she Hardly Knew Him, he Was Creepy and Had Hairy Salami Nipples. Also, she was trapped in a Complicated Plot Twist that wasn't Resolving Easily and needed Something Interesting To Happen. Then she thought that Christopher was going to be The One, but that was Pointless and Too Easy and Not Luke. Luke says it's tough when the universe is against you: "That's like taking on the Manhattan Garbage Union." Um...huh? Lorelai said she was just waiting for Christopher to get it together and grow up then he'd be perfect. The pot goes on to say that the kettle finally became a real man and now he's going to be that guy with another family that's not her and some trashy whore gets to have the man that's supposed to be her husband because they had sex when they were kids. Lorelai cries all over the counter, saying that she hates admitting it because she considers herself to be a Wonder Woman, but she really does want the whole get married/ have kids/ get a dog/ wear jogging suits wonderland that everybody says they want. She wants the whole package and doesn't know if she'll ever have it. Luke points out that Lorelai's life doesn't really suck that hard, since she has a house, a job, and a kid. Lorelai's like, "Yeah, yeah, great kid, whatever." Lorelai says it's not that bad, and that she knows she's lucky, but she feels like she's never going to have the whole package -- the couple life she hates admitting she wants. Luke slides a doughnut down to Lorelai. "You'll get it," he says. "How do you know?" Lorelai asks. Luke: "I know." Lorelai: "How do you know?" Luke: "I know, okay? I know." We all know. Everybody knows. My cat knows. We know! Lorelai says she's not hungry, so Luke tells her to take the day-old doughnut with her because she'll be hungry in two minutes. Lorelai wraps it in a napkin and puts it into her purse. Luke thinks she's gone into her purse for money (Ha!) and tells her to forget it: "First-time customers are on the house. MeMe, was it?" Lorelai says yes. "Come again, MeMe," he says. "Thanks. I will. This seems like a very nice place," Lorelai says. She leaves. LHCD. Luke stares.
Rory gingerly cuddles a book as she unpacks a box. Like, with two hands, as if she's weakened over the summer so much that she can't pick up a two-hundred-pager without strain. Lorelai says she figured out how to get the LHCD out of her head. Think of "It's a Small World." Then you have to figure out how to get that song out of your head, but it's a beginning. Someone once told me to sing the Oscar Mayer theme song to clear out your head. None of it works, by the way. Rory pouts to the couch. Lorelai plops beside her and semi-apologizes kinda maybe. Rory says that Lorelai was right. Lorelai knows it. They ask back and forth how was dinner/ how was Dean until Rory compares them to the Williams sisters. Dinner was bad. Lorelai tells Rory that they can go back to Luke's now. Rory asks how Luke and Lorelai made up. Lorelai says that she's MeMe now. "Oh. Sure," Rory says. Dean was fine. Rory didn't break up with him. She "realized" that she "loves him" because he's "great" and she was "crazy" for thinking she "cared about" "Jess." It sounds like Rory's just reading this off a sheet of paper. Lorelai says she doesn't want Rory to stay with Dean because of Lorelai, and that she was still just angry over Christopher. Rory says she thought about it, made a pro and con list, and decided that she really did love Dean. How romantic. "He deserves my undivided attention," Rory adds. She says she feels good about this. Lorelai says that if Rory decided she'd rather date Jess, then Lorelai would help her "...get vaccinated." Rory thanks her, but swears she's good. She asks if Lorelai's good. "Well, I'm gonna be good," Lorelai says. Rory decides that they'll both be good. Lorelai wonders if Sherri and Christopher's baby is going to look like her. Like Lorelai. How would that happen? Rory says that if the baby knows what's best, it'll look like Lorelai. This causes a hunger pang, and Lorelai asks for her purse. She eats a day-old free doughnut as we pan out the window, soak in some strummy-strummy-la-la, and fade to black.
week: Everybody cries and yells at Christopher.