I know that this is one of the best shows on television, but it was very frustrating to have this season be so up and down in terms of quality. That's really all I have to say as I look down the barrel of the season finale.
We open on a picture of Sookie and Jackson, in what I guess is their wedding announcement? Yikes. Sookie's holding a giant cake and Jackson's got a bunch of bananas in his grip. Like, "Hey! Fat Girl and the Loony, Gettin' Hitched!" We pan across the dining hall at the Independence Inn. Sookie's wedding decorations are strewn about. Lots of flowers. Pink. Tangerine of some kind. Tons of flowers. Billie Holliday is wailing "I Can't Get Started." Lorelai and Rory are depressed. So depressed that Rory's got her face down on her arm. Why is she still wearing a cast? Two weeks goes by slowly when they want it to. I wonder if Alexis actually hurt her arm and they had to write this entire plot around it so the cast made sense. Michel, as well, has his head in his hand. Strange, you'd think he'd dance to sad music. Oh, Michel. I bet you're so upset about that last Destiny's Child album, This is the Remix. Because I want to find Beyoncé and get my money back. Sookie is lost in her own world, listening to the song. She just loves it. They press "pause" on the CD, and Sookie asks if everyone loves it as much as she does. Nobody does. Lorelai tells Sookie that she can't walk down the aisle to a song about a woman who can't make her relationship work and whose life is full of emptiness. Sookie says that it's Ella Fitzgerald, but I'm not so sure. It really sounds like Billie Holliday. Sookie laughs and says nobody listens to the lyrics. She just thinks the song is pretty. Rory finds a pile of alternate CDs and sorts through them. The other song choices: "Hey, Jude"; "Seasons in the Sun"; "Cats In the Cradle"; and "Don't Cry Out Loud." For each sad song, Sookie has a reason to love it and cherish it close to her heart. I can't even imagine a ceremony where someone walks down the aisle to "Cats In the Cradle."
Michel has a suggestion: "Okay, here we go. How 'bout I leave?" Lorelai says that she's in the wedding, so Michel has to run the wedding all by himself. Lorelai points out that Michel's never run a wedding before. Michel scoffs at the notion that he couldn't hit "play" on time. I thought Emily pointed out how unlikely someone would be able to hit "play" at the right time, anyway. And I'd have to agree. Most of the weddings I've seen where someone was playing a CD, the CD had to be stopped and started several times to get all of the cues right. It's much easier to have a live performer, even if the dude's on a Casio keyboard. Rory gives an eleventh-hour offer to have her and Lane come up with a few more choices that aren't so "Girl, Interrupted." Sookie, for some reason, agrees to let someone else decide another important aspect of her wedding. Lorelai asks Michel how the RSVP list is coming. Michel gives the best lines of the show: "Well, I must say this has been especially challenging for me. I mean, when you are talking about a wedding with up to forty people all within a five-mile radius? How can one person be expected to keep track of all of that? I mean, it got a little hairy there for a moment. I almost had to use a second sheet of paper, even." Hee. Lorelai says she's not going to let Michel annoy her out of the job. "Oh, we'll see," he smiles as he walks off.
Sookie tells Lorelai and Rory that someone cancelled at the last minute (rude), and now she has two extra seats left. She asks Rory if there's anyone else she wants to invite. Rory says she's already got Lane (Jess, please) and Dean (who she wishes was Jess), so she doesn't need another invite, since she has no other friends. Sookie's thinking of offering them to Richard and Emily. What? She's just now getting around to inviting Emily? The woman who helped Sookie plan her wedding for weeks on end, giving her suggestions and discounts and calling Bora Bora? I can't believe she never even thought of inviting Emily earlier than this. What about the lady that owns the Inn? How about her? Sookie says if it weren't for Emily, she never would have settled on the color pink. She wanted yellow, but Emily said no. Ha. Sookie asks Lorelai to ask Emily. Uh, couldn't Sookie ask Emily? You know, with a "thank you" and stuff? Sookie plays the song again, saying it gets happier the second time you hear it. Sookie dances as Rory and Lorelai pout. Finally, the opening credits.
Emily's living room. I guess it's Friday. Lorelai snorts and tells Rory that she just realized "oy" is the funniest word in the entire world. She says you never hear the word "oy" and not smile. She says it's a very funny word. "Oh, dear God," Emily says as she hands Rory a glass of something. Lorelai continues and says that "poodle" is also a very funny word. Emily begs Lorelai to finish her drink. Lorelai doesn't, and says that if you put both words in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase. "Oy, with the poodles, already," she tries out. Rory forces a giggle. Emily rolls her eyes with the rest of us. Lorelai declares that they have to say their new catchphrase when the situation arises, and that it will knock "Whatchoo talkin' bout, Willis?" right out of first place. Emily asks Lorelai to be quiet. The newest maid tells Emily that dinner is ready. Inga is her name. Emily tells Inga to alert Richard that dinner is ready.
As they walk to the dining room, Lorelai asks Emily if she and Richard would like to come to Sookie's wedding. Lorelai tells Emily that it's going to be small and wonderful, since Sookie is catering, and that she and Rory will be walking down the aisle in two of the least offensive bridesmaids dresses (since Lorelai made Sookie let her pick them out). Emily says it sounds nice, and asks when the wedding takes place. "A week from Sunday," Lorelai says. Emily is insulted that she's been given a "pity invite." She knows that someone must have cancelled at the last minute, and now she and Richard are placeholders. Chair warmers. Lorelai lies and says that's not what happened. Emily says there's no reason she should have been invited with the first batch of actual wanted guests. Lorelai says that Sookie really wants Emily to come. Emily asks for her invitation: "She must have at least given you an invitation to give us." Lorelai strains that it would be "more special" if Lorelai asked Emily instead. Emily never loses the painful smile on her face as she notes that Sookie was also out of invitations: "I never felt so special." Lorelai tells her there's no reason to be insulted, since Sookie really wants Emily to be there. Emily says she's probably lucky that she didn't just get a call from the road as they were on their way to the ceremony. Lorelai asks Emily not to make a big deal out of this. Emily asks if she still has a choice between fish and chicken, or if at this point she just has to bring a bag lunch: "Perhaps she would also like us to pick up some extra ice along the way." Ha. "Or help out parking the cars." Emily must have been to some of the weddings I've attended. I've sewn, folded, called limos, picked up trash, cleared floors, put out chairs, babysat, and ushered people around. Lorelai tries to create a distraction by pointing out how pretty Rory is. Richard enters and apologizes for being late. Lorelai tells him they were just discussing how pretty Rory is. She makes Rory give Richard the big eyes/baby face look. Richard tells Rory that she gets lovelier every day. Emily informs Richard that they're invited to Sookie's wedding. She tells him the date of the wedding. Richard is instantly disappointed that they've been offered pity invites. "Ha," Emily says to Lorelai. And all together now for Lorelai's line: "Oy, with the poodles, already." Should have come much later.
Luke's. Rory longingly watches CuteDean eat. This is not because she's fascinated with CuteDean or is aroused by the way he puts things in his mouth. It's because she wants his food. She makes him switch plates with her so that she can have pancakes while he has to eat her soggy, cold eggs. This girl has some nerve. CuteDean notes that Lorelai has just made her twelfth pass by Luke's window. Rory thinks she'll come in after two more passes. CuteDean says Lorelai's been walking back and forth out there for twenty minutes now, and she still hasn't come inside. Rory says that Lorelai's gotten much closer to the building. CuteDean thinks they should just take some food out to her. Rory says that Lorelai and Luke have been fighting for too long, so Lorelai has to do this. Has Rory told CuteDean how she ran off to New York yet? And why is she not grounded? Rory says she can tell that Lorelai's on her way inside because she has her "shoe sale face" on.
Lorelai sits down and beams that she made it inside. "Good girl," Rory says. Lorelai is upset to find out that CuteDean and Rory have eaten without her. They say it took her half an hour to get there. She says she's like cheese. Rory has to explain to CuteDean: "She gets better with time." Rory and CuteDean leave (without finishing their food or paying) to go off to school. ["I thought I saw CuteDean put a bill on the table on his way past Lorelai." -- Wing Chun] Rory tells Lorelai to finish her breakfast and to read the paper. Lorelai tries to get the kids to stay, even begging CuteDean to linger. Miraculously, CuteDean thinks for himself and doesn't do what a Gilmore girl tells him to. Rory rubs Lorelai's shoulder and tells her she'll be fine.
Lorelai huffs and looks over in Luke's direction. She gathers up some inner gumption and walks determinedly over to Luke. "Hey," she says. He says hello. She compliments his donut selection this morning. He walks away. She chatters on about what kind of donut she's in the mood for as Luke waits patiently on the other side of the counter. She asks for chocolate and a sprinkle when she realizes he's not biting her conversation bait. He puts her donuts on a plate. "So, this is how it's gonna be with us now, huh?" she asks. Luke says he has no idea what she's talking about. Lorelai says he's pulling a Mr. Freeze on her. He says he's not. He pours her some coffee. She apologizes for yelling at him that night, and asks if he got her note. He says he did, and that he read it. She says she apologized in the note as well. What's with these women writing letters instead of confronting people directly, and then getting upset when these notes don't win their recipients over completely? Lorelai says she's apologized a million times. Luke says she's only apologized four times, but he understands how she embellishes for dramatic effect. Now Lorelai's had enough of Luke and tells him to stop behaving like this. She tells him to be mad at her if he's mad at her. He says he's not mad. She says he's being unfair. "Rory was in the hospital," she says for literally the millionth time. Luke asks what exactly she wants him to do. He says he's listened to her, he's been polite, he's not mad at her, and he's still serving her food, so he doesn't know what more she wants from him. Lorelai pouts and says she wants Luke back. He says he's standing right there. "No, he's not," Lorelai says quietly, and leaves without paying for anything, including the two donuts and cup of coffee she made him prepare for her. Good for Luke, since Lorelai thought she'd just breeze right through this on charm and witty banter. If Luke had yelled at her and told her how to parent Rory, she would have burned his diner down. She's so dependent on him for food and conversation that she doesn't even know how to stop taking him for granted.
Chilton. Paris is giving a speech. She's announcing what she'll do if she is elected student body president. "Clearly marked boys' and girls' restrooms" is very funny, and I love that Paris obviously has so many mortifying experiences in the school hallways. I also love her voice when it gets a little wobbly and strained. She goes on to quote Kennedy and try to get the audience of students to rise and cheer. It doesn't work. They just stare at her as she finishes. She sits down to two snickering candidates. This is the second time we've started a scene with the camera spinning around the static action. Elections are held this Friday, they announce.
The assembly ends, and everyone gets up to leave. Paris watches everyone go. She walks up to Rory, who is still scribbling in a notebook. She starts grilling Rory to see if Rory got enough good quotes for her Franklin article. She asks how Rory thinks it went. Rory will only offer a "fine." Paris asks how Rory's skewing the article. Rory says that Paris will have to wait until the paper comes out, like everyone else. Not hardly, since Paris is the editor. Paris tells Rory to note that "Schatzi," or however you spell the female candidate's name, pulled a cheap Sharon Stone Basic Instinct impression to distract the student body from Paris's recycling program. "Go away, Randolph," Rory says.
Louisa and Fraulein enter, and Paris actually runs over to them. The girls have taken a quick poll of the student body: 150 students in a cross-section. "We talked to people we shouldn't even have to stand to," Louisa says. Paris asks if she's ever given off the impression that she's a patient person. Fraulein tells Paris that they added up the votes (she has to add that Louisa actually did the adding so that Paris trusts the results) and it looks like most students think that Paris is the most qualified and most competent. But they don't think Paris is very likable. They find her scary. There's a lame Halloween mask joke. Fraulein and Louisa tell Paris that the students would rather vote for someone they like than someone qualified to do the job. Paris asks what she can do. Fraulein tells Paris she can hope for a sex scandal. Louisa tells her that she's on it, and the girls walk away.
Paris walks back over to Rory and says she's been racking her brain for weeks trying to choose her vice-presidential candidate -- who would be the yin to her yang, the Joel to her Ethan, the Damon to her Affleck. There's no way Paris sees herself as Affleck. Paris tells Rory to be her running mate. She says they'll announce it in the Franklin tomorrow: Gellar and Gilmore. "Never underestimate the power of alliteration, my friend," Paris says. Rory whines that she doesn't want to be vice-president. Paris says that every little girl wants to be vice-president. She says that Rory she has no choice. She begs Rory to do it. "They hate me, okay?" Paris says. She says that everyone in the school hates her, and since they don't want to go to the mall with her, they won't vote for her, and she'll lose. Rory asks how she could possibly help things by running with her. Paris tells Rory, "People think you're nice. You're quiet. You say, 'Excuse me.' You look like little birds help you get dressed in the morning." Heh. Rory says she hasn't been dressed by a bird since she was two. Boo. Paris begs Rory, pleading as she follows her out of the room. Once Rory's off-camera, Paris shouts that Harvard looks for these kinds of things. How would Rory not have thought of this earlier? I'm surprised Rory didn't run for Treasurer or Secretary. "Enjoy Connecticut State, sucker," Paris says. In any event, the Harvard threat lures Rory back in, and she agrees to be Paris's running mate. Wow, Rory's much taller than Paris. "Yes!" Paris shouts. Rory notes that Paris must never have thought of just being nice to people. Paris says that Rory's going to be her Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm for the new millennium. She tells Rory to wear braids in her hair tomorrow, and totally nice out.
When is a commercial? When? My fingers are killing me. Rory can't just get her cast buzzed off anywhere, she has to go to the Medical Office of Dr. Ronald Sue of Orthopedic Medicine. Lorelai asks Rory if she's sad at all that the cast is coming off. Rory isn't, even though Lorelai has named it Casty. Rory says that Lorelai has to stop getting so attached to inanimate objects. Lorelai almost shoves Casty into her mouth to talk to it. Ew, that thing would totally stink. The doctor enters, and Rory is very happy to see at least one sane person around. As the doctor goes to get his saw, we hear some guy yelling in the hallway looking for Rory's room. It's Christopher, once again really just a bit too late, pretending to be a responsible father. He announces that he's "The Dad," as if that's a name he's been earning all this time. Like they should have been waiting for him. The girls, predictably, are all a-swoon at Christopher not letting them down at the last moment for once. Here's what bothers me about Christopher. I've figured it out. He looks like Joey Lawrence. Have I mentioned that before? Because he does. I keep waiting for the "Whoa!" Lorelai can't believe Christopher showed up, since he was just there (weeks ago). Christopher asks Lorelai if she's getting sick of him. "Frankly, yes," she says. Christopher makes a really lame joke about keeping the arm, and Lorelai just melts into the floor all smitten. Well, choosing a man is much easier when you alienate all the other options, isn't it, Lorelai? Oh, hey! Commercial! Woohoo!
Post-cast, Christopher asks what they're going to do . Rory says she has to go home and work on her campaign platform. Lorelai boasts that their "little Hillary Clinton" is running for student office. Rory repeats that the elections are on Friday, and that she's torn on which way she wants to votes to go. Lorelai says she spent four hours working on campaign buttons, so she wants Rory to win. When did that happen? Rory moans that if she wins, she has to be vice-president year. Also she'll have to go to Washington, D.C. for the summer on a leadership program. Then she says it'll be six weeks in a dorm room with Paris. Six weeks is not a summer. ["I thought she meant she'd be spending her 'whole summer' in Washington in the sense of spending the bulk of the summer there." -- Wing Chun] Christopher offers to come back Thursday night, take them out to dinner, and then break into Chilton to tamper with the votes. Rory and Lorelai say they can't, since Thursday is Sookie's rehearsal dinner. When was Sookie's bachelorette party? Bridal shower? Sookie's getting screwed. So, is the wedding on a Friday or a Sunday? They said Sunday, but why is the rehearsal dinner on a Thursday? For real, when will this show ever get a day right? I think they do it just to screw with us. It's getting more and more blatant. "If you're gonna be in the area Thursday night, you could come with us to dinner," Lorelai says, trying to sound casual. Be in the area? When does Boston become "in the area"? Christopher offered to drive down just for dinner. Well, whatever, he's muscled his way into the rehearsal dinner. Lorelai says that Christopher would love it and that Sookie's cooking for a thousand. Poor Sookie's doing this entire wedding all by herself. The rehearsal dinner is supposed to be done by the groom's family. Rory adds that she's "bringing Dean," as if that makes it okay for Christopher to crash the party. Christopher says he'll go. Lorelai says it's great and that she'll tell Sookie.
Cut with breakneck speed to Thursday night. The party. There are so many people in this wedding party, if this is the rehearsal dinner. Kirk is clinking his glass, and Miss Patty announces that Kirk is going to give a toast. The room quiets and Kirk says, "Ladies, gentlemen, honored guests! Who owns the silver Volvo, because you're blocking me in?" Everyone moans. There are complete strangers in this room, but CuteDean's towering over everybody. Miss Patty says that it was better than the toast Kirk made at some other wedding, but they don't give us any more information, so it's hard to share a laugh on that inside joke. Christopher asks how long he should wait before he moves his Volvo. Christopher is kind of an asshole. Lorelai tells him to wait another ten minutes. She's kind of an asshole, too. And she's the only one so dressed up for the party. Kirk pleads with someone to move the car, since his mom's waiting and he's got to go. "This isn't funny!" he shouts as everyone openly laughs at him. Poor Kirk.
Jackson walks quickly over to Sookie and announces that they need to talk. His father has just given him a kilt for him to wear in the ceremony. On the night before the wedding Jackson just realized that his father would want him to dress in a traditional kilt? This never occurred to him before? Also, Sookie can't even enjoy her party because she has to melt chocolate on the stove. She's constantly working. Sookie, realizing what tradition and family means, in addition to not having anything to do with her own wedding, says that if it means a lot to his father, then Jackson should probably wear the kilt. I'm thinking of calling Sookie and telling her that traditionally they should release Muppets at the end of the ceremony, just to watch Elmo catapulted from the gazebo. You know she'd do it if I made it sound like she's a horrible person for saying no. Jackson shouts that Sookie's crazy. He says she won't let him wear shorts in public and now she's going to let him parade around in a skirt on their most important day. Sookie dresses Jackson? Sookie asks what he's going to do. Jackson says he's going to wear pants, and that if his father doesn't like it, he doesn't have to come. Sookie calmly says that Jackson's father has to come since he's the best man. Sorry, Rune. How many conversations are going to happen about things in the future and people who aren't in the room? Because it's really boring. Is this kilt thing even slightly necessary? Sookie runs after Jackson, telling him that shorts are different because they cut him funny. End of pointless scene. Asshole Christopher says, "Okay, that's it. I need some air." Oh, the kilt thing was too much for you, Chris? Why do you keep coming back to Stars Hollow if you hate everyone in it? I realize I'm the recapper calling the deadbeat dad snarky, but come on. Christopher tells Lorelai to grab an entire bottle of wine and follow him. Lorelai gets giddy because he's being so bossy.
Lorelai and Christopher pass total strangers and walk out on the candlelit porch where I'm very concerned a fire is going to start any minute from all the open flames. "Wow," Christopher says. "I hope the second act's as good as the first one." What is he talking about? Lorelai says it's a wedding and things are supposed to be horrible. Christopher: "When Jackson came out holding that kilt? Man, I felt for him." What? Did an entire scene get cut that we didn't see? Because I don't think Jackson and Sookie were having that conversation anywhere near Christopher. ["I thought Lorelai and Christopher were just around the corner, totally eavesdropping because they're kind of assholes." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai says she also felt for Jackson. Christopher says he knows she didn't, because he saw her face and he could tell she was trying to figure out how many Brigadoon references she could make in a row. Lauren Graham acts offended as she makes sure her right boobie didn't just fall out of that flimsy top. Then she admits she thought of twelve. Christopher asks her to take pictures at the wedding because he feels it's going to be a classic. He's not coming to the wedding, either? He wasn't invited when thirty strangers inside were? Lorelai didn't invite him as her date? Lorelai says that if he's going to "be in town for the day," he should just come with them to the wedding. Does he pass Stars Hollow every Friday for something? Or Sunday, or whenever this wedding is? Is it not tomorrow? ["No, apparently it's not." -- Wing Chun] Christopher puts his jacket around Lorelai's shoulders even though she didn't say she was cold. She thanks him. He says he'll come to the wedding. "Just like that?" she asks. He adds that he'll come if Sookie doesn't mind. Screw Jackson. Lorelai asks Christopher what's going on with him -- why he can just agree to come to the wedding. "Because I can," he says. She asks if he has to check his appointment book. He says it's on Sunday, so he's free. Lorelai asks if he has to check with Sherri. Long stall later, he admits that he and Sherri aren't exactly together right now. They haven't been getting along, and she's on a business trip taking some space for them to figure things out. He tells Lorelai that he's figured he needs to start looking for an apartment. Lorelai says it's so weird, since the last time she saw the two of them, they were nauseating. Christopher admits they even grossed himself out every once in a while. Lorelai says she doesn't know what to say. Christopher says it's nobody's fault, it just isn't "it." She asks if he's okay. He says he is. She says that he'll come with her to the wedding. Christopher says it'll be his pleasure.
Rory's checking the decorations for the wedding in the Gilmore living room. Lorelai stomps downstairs, complaining about how tired she is. Rory asks where the almonds for Table Five went off to. Lorelai huffs that she doesn't know. Rory says the bundle was there last night, but now it's gone, and she found some tulle on the staircase leading up to Lorelai's bedroom. Rory says it took her six hours to make those almond bundles. She even calls Lorelai "Mother" so we know she's serious. Lorelai tells Rory to try to beat that time. Rory asks why Lorelai was so late at Sookie's last night. Lorelai says she stayed late to help clean up. She decides to boast and beam about Christopher's breakup, but not before warning Rory that gossip is cruel and you shouldn't do it: "Unless it's true, or if it's way too good."
The phone rings. It's Paris, practicing her loser's speech. It's fashioned after Hubert Humphrey's. She says she knows she's going to lose to someone with a "boffo senior ditch day" plan. Rory asks Paris where she is. Paris says she's at the auditorium, which is empty, so she can be there for one last meet-and-greet for the student body. Rory tells Paris to get out of that room, because it's pathetic, and Paris will look like a loser. I want one of those Paris/Rory buttons. Paris says she knows she's going to lose: "Because even if I win, I only won because of you. Therefore, I lose." Poor Paris. Rory tells her to get a cup of coffee and go relax. Paris sighs and says Hubert Humphrey must not have been considered very fun, either.
Rory gets off the phone and tells Lorelai that Paris wants to win very badly. She adds that she feels bad since she doesn't want to win as much. Lorelai tells Rory that she knows she wants to win so she can spend the entire summer far away from Lorelai. Well, that is a plus. Rory says that the thought of Washington gives her a stomachache. Lorelai says that Washington sounds like fun. Rory says that the two of them will go there someday, then, and tells Lorelai to get back to the gossip. Lorelai gloats about Christopher's misfortune. Why would Rory be happy to hear that her dad's relationship is on the rocks again, just after all this crap about her having to be friends with Sherri even when she didn't want to? Poor Rory. I can't wait until she gets to go to college and have normal relationships. Rory is disappointed that her mother is gloating about this. Lorelai says she isn't gloating. Rory shows Lorelai how she's smiling. Lorelai says she's having tiny strokes. This show with the strokes. Lorelai says that Christopher's not sad about it, so Lorelai can't be either. Rory tells Lorelai that she's going to Hell. Lorelai notes that her feet won't get cold as she digs into her pajama pocket and pulls out a Jordan almond. As she pops it into her mouth and giggles fiendishly, Rory chastises her for stealing and lying. Lorelai says she got the almond from Santa Claus. I'm really bored with this episode. Other people's problems. Other people's lives. Nothing happening here and now.
Independence Inn. Lorelai carries baskets of flowers to the front desk. Michel is preparing to leave, telling Lorelai that the piano movers and the chair people will be there soon. The rooms are made up and ready, and he'll be in at ten tomorrow. He says he's going home now unless she wants him to stay. She says she does want him to stay. Michel repeats that he's going home unless she wants him to stay. She says she does want him to stay. This goes on even longer than you could ever expect it to until Michel just yells that he's leaving. Lorelai's top is incredibly ugly. Lorelai asks Mystery Desk Clerk for her bag so she can go change in the back. Sookie walks over and coos that she went for the sugar daffodils for the top tier and they look great. She even had to make her own cake. Poor Sookie. Lorelai asks what Sookie's still doing there. Sookie says she just wanted to make one last check on everything, but now she's off to bed. Lorelai says that it's Sookie's last night as a single woman, and that she still looks good. Wait, so it's Saturday now? What happened with the election? What happened at Emily's? Are they coming to the wedding? Sookie says she feels good, too. Lorelai says that as of tomorrow, Sookie can start wearing cold cream to bed and stop shaving her legs. Sookie sings that she's got herself a man. Lorelai tells her to go to sleep. Sookie says she'll see her tomorrow. They're all sleeping at the Inn? How does this place make any money?
Lorelai half-assedly fixes a decoration and stares at it. Christopher walks down the stairs and notes, "Well, look who's got Martha Stewart locked in a basement!" He asks if Lorelai did all of these decorations. She says she did, but I can't see any decorations in the shot, so it's hard to be impressed. And when did Christopher get a room at the Inn? Lorelai asks what he's doing up. Christopher says he can't sleep because he sweet-talked the maid into leaving him a thousand pillow mints and then he ate them all. Lorelai sits on a couch and says she's exhausted. "Need some help?" he asks her. "No, I'm almost done," she says. Story of their lives. She plops into his arms and says she's so happy for Sookie. She says she saw Sookie's entire love story happen. She acts like she's the reason Sookie and Jackson are together because she hired Jackson and watched him and Sookie argue for so long. "I watched them fall in love," Lorelai says. My cable flips out and the thing that I can see is Lorelai staring deep into Christopher's eyes. It's like something got censored because it appears no time has passed, but suddenly they're kissing. Just like that. More kissing. Kissing again. Lorelai pulls away and says they shouldn't do this: "You and I. We." That's how she summed that up. "Never been in the same place at the same time," he says. Except for all those times your penis has been in her vagina at the same time her vagina was around your penis. This seems like the perfect time to get together with Christopher, right? While he's still in a relationship with a woman and Rory's still trying to figure out if she can trust her father, just a few months after they almost got together, a few months after they sort of slept together at Lorelai's mom's house. Christopher and Lorelai kiss some more. Lorelai says her head is spinning. Christopher says it's all the plants in the room making too much oxygen. Lorelai asks what they do now. Christopher says he has a room upstairs and that he never dreamed he'd get this lucky. Ew. Won't Rory notice when Lorelai doesn't come to bed tonight? Lorelai's charmed anyway, cues the strummy music, stands up, and leads Christopher back up to his room for casual, condom-free sex. I refuse to get involved in Lorelai's crappy decisions anymore. I love how she can't even let Sookie have her own wedding without turning it around and making it all about her. Amazing.
Nothing looks lamer than the KTLA season finale Gilmore Girls/Smallville wrap-up party they just showed a clip of. Wow. I'm so glad I skipped that one, although I have a suspicion Omar was Pricelining some red-eyes just twenty-four hours before.
Post sex strummy-la-la music. Lorelai -- not even bothering to put on clothes after the act -- walks down the stairs in only a robe. Hey, is it the robe she stole from the spa? And by the way, there's some boring sex going on upstairs, because Lorelai's hair isn't even slightly distressed.
Lorelai enters the kitchen and finds a very freaked-out Sookie. "Daffodils!" Sookie's crying. Sookie's in her wedding gown, pulling the flowers off the cake. She can't believe she put daffodils on a wedding cake. Lorelai tells her to stop. Sookie says there's too much pink and that pink is for girls; Jackson's a boy. Sookie finally realizes that maybe she didn't let Jackson have even a small say in the planning of this ceremony. Lorelai tells Sookie to put the pastry bag down. Sookie says she can't. Lorelai talks to Sookie like she's a German Shepherd until Sookie puts the pastry bag down and walks away from the cake. Lorelai asks what happened. Sookie says she went home and was fine and went to bed fine. Wait. So Sookie, the bride, is the only one not staying at the Inn? I really don't get it. Oh, is Christopher upstairs in a room because he's from Boston, but everyone else is staying at their own houses, except Lorelai who was working late fixing the Inn but actually staying at home -- she just brought a change of clothes so she can work in something more comfortable? Okay, that makes more sense, but isn't Rory worried about Lorelai at this time of night? Sookie says she dreamed her dress didn't fit in back so she put the dress on and it looks okay, but it might be the veil, so she put the veil on and it's fine, but then she realized she's serving salmon puffs (she repeats twice for emphasis) and they're completely wrong, so she ran over to fix that, but then she saw the daffodils and something snapped inside of her. Lorelai says it's natural to be nervous. Sookie says she's scared. She doesn't want to get a divorce, fight all the time, or be bitter. She says she doesn't want to be one of those women sitting around making jokes about husband #2. She wants #1 to last. Lorelai keeps saying, "I know," so Sookie shuts up before she says, "I don't want to turn into you." Sookie says she wants a guarantee.
Sookie adds that she wants to stop obsessing on this, so she asks Lorelai to talk about her favorite subject: Lorelai. So, Lorelai tells Sookie that she just had sex with Christopher, upstairs in her place of business, and that she's still fresh from sex. She just came down to get him a snack. Sookie, for some reason, is pretty happy that Lorelai had sex with her ex on the eve of Sookie's wedding. Lorelai says she thinks it's a good thing. Sookie's so happy at the thought of Lorelai and Christopher getting back together after all these years. Didn't these two already have this conversation the last time Lorelai and Christopher almost got back together? Lorelai says they haven't talked about it yet. Sookie makes a bunch of noises, and Lorelai says they'll talk about it when she gets back upstairs. "He's waiting for you!" Sookie coos. Lorelai gloats that he is. Sookie tells Lorelai to go back upstairs. Lorelai tells Sookie to get some sleep. Sookie says she wants to hear all the details tomorrow. Lorelai promises to grab Sookie between the walking down the aisle and the vows. As if she wouldn't. Sookie laughs off. Lorelai stops her and says, "You're in your wedding dress. You're beautiful." I like that, to make sure the dress and the veil fit, Sookie had to do her hair and makeup as well. Sookie and Lorelai hug. Sookie sighs. Lorelai tells her to go get some sleep. "And you go get some," Sookie says. Blah. They force a laugh to end the scene.
Christopher's raiding the mini-fridge in the room. Why did Lorelai have to go downstairs, then? She enters without a key and brings a plate of snacks. Christopher's enjoying the perks of banging the manager. And for some reason he likes to get almost fully dressed after sex. He asks what they're eating. Lorelai says she has no idea, but if Sookie asks, Christopher is to tell her that Michel ate it. She's eating the wedding food the night before the wedding? Horrible woman. Christopher asks if they should avoid the subject or dive right in. "Call me Greg Lougainus," Lorelai says. Boo. The joke's so bad I'm not even looking up how to spell Lougainis. Loogainus. Moving on. Christopher gets the "amazing" quotient in describing the sex they just had. Lorelai and Christopher agree to have sex again -- now, and in general. Lorelai says it's weird, since they just found a great balance and he's still breaking up with a girlfriend (maybe) and there's Rory to think about, since they could hurt her feelings if this isn't a permanent change. Aw, fuck it. They just decide to do it anyway, because who cares about Rory, Sherri, or their past patterns? They kiss. I give up.
Luke's. Kirk enters and asks Luke how quickly he can make a ham on rye. So, wait. Luke isn't invited to the wedding, either? Who the hell did Sookie invite? And why would Luke's even be open when presumably the entire town is at the Inn for the wedding? Anyway, Luke and Kirk go into a lengthy bit on how long it takes to make different things until Luke decides just to make Kirk a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to go. It's really long and I'm just saving valuable seconds in your life. Kirk asks what Luke thinks of Kirk's suit. Kirk rubs it in that Luke wasn't invited to the wedding by saying he bought it special for the wedding since he read recently that it's a great place to meet chicks. Kirk says he's so damn lonely, Animal Planet isn't even doing it for him anymore. Luke tells Kirk that his sandwich is coming right up and then yells to Cesar that he's going upstairs for a minute. I guess Cesar is taking care of the PB&J.
It doesn't really matter why Luke needed to go upstairs. It's just so we can see that Jess is back. Every time you heard them tell us that Jess was gone, we knew that they were just lying to us like Lorelai lies to Rory. Jess is standing there, having recently broken into Luke's home. Luke and Jess make casual talk for a second. Luke asks how things are at home. Jess says they're fine, and that his mother's fine. If you look, sometimes Jess's jacket is zipped and sometimes it isn't. Luke asks if Jess is in trouble. Jess says he isn't. Luke asks what Jess is doing there. Jess doesn't answer. Luke says that he called six times to check on Jess, and he expected a call back to say Jess was okay.
Luke says never mind, and asks what Jess wants. Jess says he wants to come back. Luke makes him repeat it a few times. Jess starts to smart off, so Luke tells Jess he doesn't get to be James Dean this time, and that he'd better repeat again that he wants to move back into Luke's apartment in the city he hates with the school he skips. Jess says he wants to come back. Luke says that people told Luke he was crazy for letting Jess live there. So crazy he should start writing letters to Jodie Foster, even, but he still let Jess move in. He says that Jess proved them right, and now after all of this chaos and havoc, he can't believe that Jess is standing there wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a butt with hands flipping him off, asking to move back in. Ah, that's why the jacket is only sometimes zipped. I think I'm getting carpal tunnel. Really. My left forearm is killing me while I'm typing. My mom -- who's in town for the weekend -- informs me that I need a lap desk for my recaps. I can't think of anything dorkier than a lap desk for my laptop when I sit on the couch in my pajamas drinking coffee that's turned cold and a cat tries to sit in my lap every five minutes. I've turned into that crazy lady. So sad. Jess notes that Luke hasn't packed up Jess's things yet. Luke says he's been busy lately. Jess asks if he gets to stay. Luke says that things will have to be different. Jess says he knows. Haven't we had this conversation already? Jess and Luke say a few times that Jess is staying so it really sinks in with us that this kid's going to be around in Season Three. ["Well, that's just great." -- Wing Chun] Luke excuses himself back to the diner. Jess says he'll help Luke close up later. Hey, how about offering to watch the diner so that Luke can go to his friend's wedding? Jess starts to leave, and Luke says, "She's not home." Jess is trying to play the innocent, all, "Who?" like we don't all know why he's back. Luke tells Jess that Rory is at Sookie's wedding with CuteDean and that they're still together and things are going well for them. "Good," Jess says. Luke tells him, "Just leave it alone, Jess. She's got a boyfriend. Just let it go." Jess blows Luke off and leaves. Okay, send him back to New York. I mean, three minutes in and he's already stomping around brooding, storming out of rooms? Gone. Go. Get gone, already.
Wedding. It hasn't started yet, even though this looks like the reception and not before the wedding at all. It's because people are just milling around willy-nilly, like everything's over and happy. A big ol' pile of presents. Bad pictures of Jackson and Sookie are everywhere. Michel stops by a flirty couple and says, "The linen closet's the third door on the right." I did have to put on closed captioning to figure that one out. At one point, my mom tried to tell me that he was talking about lobster thermidor. You figure that one out. Morey's playing a piano. Babette and Miss Patty are singing show tunes. Like I said, this appears to be a reception and not the pre-show of a wedding in the slightest. Poor Lane -- she has to just sort of tap drumsticks on the side of a piano even though she can't keep a beat yet. CuteDean walks up, and for some reason this is the first time he's seen Rory today. Why isn't she -- the bridesmaid -- helping Sookie get ready? CuteDean asks how many cocktails preceded the piano hour. Rory tells him that they're stone sober, but that once they start drinking, she'll have to hide him so he's safe.
CuteDean's cell phone rings. Maybe you should put that on vibrate before the sacred ceremony starts? I don't understand these people. Anyway, it's Paris on the phone. She's trapped back in time to when people were still at Chilton adding up the votes, because I know a roomful of students and teachers didn't come to school on a Sunday morning, and even if they did, why would Paris come to Chilton in her uniform on a Sunday when none of those other kids are wearing uniforms? Why am I trying to make logic out of this? ["To be fair, she wasn't in her uniform -- just a dorky non-uniform blazer." -- Wing Chun] Paris tells CuteDean she needs to talk to Rory. Paris tells Rory that they got the band's votes, so they're surely going to win now. Band was the wild card. She says she didn't know if they'd get it because if there was anybody that'd be scared of her it'd be "some artsy loser with a tuba wrapped around his head." Heh. Rory asks how Paris got CuteDean's cell phone number. Paris: "Relax, I won't call you on Prince William's precious phone again." She just wanted to celebrate their victory. Rory hands CuteDean his phone and says she thinks she won the election. CuteDean's instantly all, "Well, there goes our summer." Rory says that nothing has been decided yet, and that she'll figure it out later. Lorelai walks over and gives Rory a hug. I guess nobody's helping Sookie out. Lorelai shows off the booze she's slugging, bragging that it's the best thing about being a grown-up. People! The ceremony hasn't even started yet! How was I to know that the wedding didn't already happen? I would have had no idea except that I've already seen the end of this episode. Lorelai tells CuteDean that he cleans up nicely. She says they'll have to hide him from Miss Patty and Babette. Rory says she already told him. Lorelai excuses herself.
Rory and CuteDean walk away as Lorelai and Christopher meet up on the stairs just a few feet away. They start making out right there. Classy. Christopher asks if Lorelai feels sorry or bad about last night. She says she didn't, so they agree to have more sex soon. Lorelai wiggles out of Christopher's grip as Emily and Richard walk up. Lorelai is surprised that they showed up. See, here I guess the wedding hasn't started yet. Where's their present? Richard says it's a pleasant surprise to see Christopher. Emily says that the invitation was rude, but that it would have been as rude not to accept the invitation when they could have gone. "That's called rising above it," Emily says. Lorelai asks if Emily wants to come back down long enough to get a drink. Emily says she would. Richard and Christopher leave to get the champagne for the ladies. Richard's looking to see what kind of scotch they're serving. Um, when is the wedding starting? It's already open bar? I can't stop thinking about this. Christopher tells Lorelai she still has to answer his question on how soon she wants to have more sex. Emily pulls Lorelai by the arm and asks what's going on with Christopher. For some reason, Lorelai boasts and gloats that she's back together with Christopher, and this time everything's going to be just perfect and happy and wonderful. For some other reason that makes absolutely no sense, Emily is happy for Lorelai. The scene is cut off by Kirk's rendition of "Walking After Midnight," trying to pull my focus away from how senseless this entire thing is. Poor Lane has to tap on the piano with her drumsticks. Where's MamaLane? Everyone's drunk and the wedding hasn't happened yet!
Aw, man. This wedding's just unnecessary at this point. Christopher and Rory are walking through what looks like the Hundred Acre Wood. Christopher informs his daughter that he's having sex with her mother again, and this time he's really going to try not to screw it up and mess up their lives once again. Because this is a well thought-out decision, and right before the wedding is the perfect time to tell Rory. Not together, sober, but alone in a park, separately. Rory asks Christopher whether his intentions are honorable, because she and Lorelai take disappointment extremely hard. Christopher hugs her without making any kind of commitment or promise. His cell phone rings. He says it's probably work. Rory can't believe that Christopher would get work calls on a Sunday. He says he's got a lot of responsibility now. He leaves to take the call.
Rory turns around and cues the strummy music when she sees Jess standing alone and loner-y. My heart begins to race because I realize that I'm almost done recapping this talk-y show for the summer. Rory walks over to Jess. She asks what he's doing there. "Hello to you, too," he says. She asks if everything's okay. He answers by telling her that she looks nice. She asks what he's doing there. "I moved back," he says. "What?" she asks. "I moved back," he says again. At this point, they've said it so many times they're just rubbing it in. I mean, cue the "Jess Is Back All-Star Dance Crew" for Pete's sake. I got it. Rory asks why he moved back. He says he just wanted to. Rory stares at him for a little while, and then flings her entire body into him and kind of falls on his face, kissing him. He doesn't even take his hands out of his pockets until she starts to pull away and then he grabs her face and brings her closer. She pulls away again, and does a total Tristan on the boy, running off and hissing, "Don't say a word!" to him. Jess says he won't. Rory runs away, laughing, "Welcome home!" Jess wins. Hey, where's the shot of CuteDean watching Rory and Jess talk? Man, cheated again. And where's the part where Rory finally decides like the teaser told us? Man! Man! Dammit!
Christopher finds Lorelai. She kisses him and says they're starting the wedding any minute, and has he seen Rory? Oh, man. Right. The wedding. What everyone cares about. Christopher says he's got to go home right away. Lorelai asks why. He says he has to take care of something. He's all, "I'll call you later, thanks for the sex, have a good summer, bye!" Lorelai asks what's going on and why he's leaving. Christopher says that Sherri's back, and he has to go home. Lorelai's all, "Oh, so you can dump her. I understand." She thinks he wants to dump the girl immediately so that their sex isn't nearly as horribly sinful. But no. See, Sherri's pregnant, as Christopher can only impregnate the Worst Choice. And this time, he doesn't want to miss out on a kid growing up like he did with Rory, so instead he'll just disappoint Lorelai and Rory again, since they're used to it, and lie to Sherri pretending he loves her and the kid just so they don't have to know the truth, which is that he's a good-for-nothing loser who bumps around to the most spread-open legs and vulnerable heart at the time until there's something else he feels is more "ethical." What a dick. He's going to stay with Sherri just because she's pregnant? That's a solid family foundation. And thanks for sending out the blimp of "Lorelai + Chris 4 Eva" only to shoot it down thirty minutes later. Can't even last until the meal. I don't care, since this just keeps happening and it's not like this built up or anything. Talk about wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Lorelai says that women all over the world will be happy to see tiny Sherri all fat. Everyone's such a peach. Oh, whatever. Christopher's whining that he waited years for this moment where it was the three of them -- Lorelai, Rory, and him -- together forever, happy and harmonious, and now this blasted child and this harlot woman have trapped him into this Bostonian home and Volvo that he never wanted. Lorelai makes him shut up, since she's about to be the maid of honor at a ceremony attended by mostly strangers. She says she's having trouble standing so she'd like him to go. He apologizes. "Oh, yeah, me too," she says. "Tell Rory?" Christopher asks. Asshole! "I will," Lorelai says. Story of their lives, Part II. Five minutes after he says he won't let Rory down this time, he's high-tailing it out of there to his real family? Cut the jag-off out for good, y'all. Lorelai makes him turn back around. "Congratulations," she says. "Thanks," Christopher whines.
The closed captioning is telling me that this is Ella Fitzgerald singing. I can't believe Sookie kind of got her way. The song is playing. Jackson is in a kilt. Strangers are all around. No shit, the person performing the ceremony is wearing a t-shirt under a robe. What a crappy wedding.
Rory runs up to the gazebo at the last possible moment. Lorelai stands there, stunned.
Lorelai: Your dad screwed us over again.
Rory: I screwed CuteDean over one more time.
Lorelai: I make the worst choices in men.
Rory: Oh, me too.
Lorelai: I keep sabotaging my future so it's always just you and me.
Rory: Yeah, I'm planning on failing out year so I can't possibly go all the way to Harvard. I'll just go to Yale like everyone wants so I can still live here.
Lorelai: Good, because I'm lonely.
Rory: And slutty.
Lorelai: You too.
Rory: I know.
(Actual dialogue: Rory: "I think I'm going to Washington." Lorelai: "Oh. Okay.") They walk down the "aisle" together as the song anvils into us, "I can't get started with you." Lorelai appears to have lent her Chupah. Did you know Sookie or Jackson was Jewish? Me neither.
See ya year, Gilmore Girls. I hope time you can pull it together a bit and not make it so off-and-on snoozy. Or lame. Just let Amy handle it all by herself, okay? Or something. I don't know. Watch last season again and take notes. Please.