I moved this week. I apologize for the long delay before this recap. I did fall asleep while watching this episode the first time, but it was really because I had moved 9,452 boxes before I turned it on. It's hard to watch this show at one in the morning when you've moved a couch earlier in the day.
We start at the market, where Lorelai is complaining that crossword puzzles make her feel intellectually inferior. Rory tells Lorelai to find better things to do with her time than crossword puzzles, and worrying about how she looks to others because she doesn't do crossword puzzles. Lorelai notices the new bag boy. Rory already knows his name is Marty and that he's CuteDean's sub. Rory knows this because she's got the roaming-est eyes we've ever seen. CuteDean is conveniently out of town visiting his grandmother. Lorelai notes that Marty's bagging style incorporates a jar twirl that's "very Cocktail." He's got schwerve. In fact, he's got too much schwerve -- so much schwerve that Lorelai decides Marty's trying to move in on CuteDean's turf and swoop in to take CuteDean's job while CuteDean's out of town. Poor CuteDean. He can't go anywhere without someone trying to take things he's worked hard to have. Rory, of course, thinks that Lorelai's theory is ridiculous, because she refuses to see the obvious truth about anything concerning CuteDean. There's a ton of Red Bull on the shelf behind them. Tiny market with tons of Red Bull and toilet paper. This is why Lorelai is the way she is. Rory says that someone stole Cardigan Man's ladder last week (I'd ask Jess how he got on that roof the other day), and CuteDean's the only one who can reach the top shelves, so he's got job security. Lorelai calls Marty "Eve Harrington," and suggests that perhaps CuteDean stole the ladder himself to protect his own job security while he was out of town. Lorelai marvels at CuteDean's cunning ways. Rory tells Lorelai to start napping in the afternoons.
Cardigan Man's working the register. He says he likes doing it every once in a while, in order to keep in contact with the clientele. He says he also likes keeping an eye on the "take a penny" jar to ensure that people are actually using it for its intended purpose. Rory and Lorelai see the flyer for "Movie in the Square Night," the annual event at which they show a film outside instead of in the library/bookstore place at which Stars Hollow citizens normally watch films. Rory says they'll be there. Lorelai asks what the movie will be this year. Cardigan Man is evasive, offering only that the film is really good and a real winner. Then he gets defensive about his secrecy. Lorelai concludes that he's showing The Yearling once again, the same movie that has been played for the past three years in a row. Then why are they excited, asking what movie it's going to be, if it's always The Yearling? Cardigan Man says he's tired of Lorelai complaining about the movie every single year. She says she's tired as well, and would like him to pick another movie. Cardigan Man says that Lorelai has no right to complain, since she's never participated in any of the hard work that goes into planning the event. Lorelai pouts as Cardigan Man scolds her. She tells him to pick another movie, insisting that any movie would be better than another year of The Yearling. Cardigan Man gives up and relinquishes his duties to Lorelai, telling her to pick the movie this year. He dares her to find a movie everyone will like. He gives her his "movie-picking crown." Lorelai is very happy to have the crown. Rory says it looks great on her. Lorelai says they should go home immediately, make popcorn, and choose the movie. Rory's happy that she gets to help choose the film, and asks if she can even wear the crown. Lorelai says they'll have to see. I wish there really were a crown that Lorelai had to wear that Taylor loves wearing every year.
Rory's getting ready for school as she and Lorelai banter movie choices back and forth. The Wizard of Oz, The Sting, Rocky, Crimes and Misdemeanors...I think you get the point. Lorelai can't decide between Arthur and Sophie's Choice. Lorelai says there are too many good movies, and that she's sinking under the pressure. The phone rings as Lorelai suggests Cabin Boy. ["Ooh, good one." -- Wing Chun] Rory asks if Lorelai's going to get the phone. Lorelai says she's not because she knows who it is. Apparently Christopher calls every Wednesday morning right before they have to go to Luke's/Chilton. How is that an appropriate time to call your daughter to catch up on things? Rory forgets that her dad calls every week at this time until Lorelai reminds her. Rory picks up the phone. She tells Christopher about the movie festival. She asks how he's doing and how Sherri is. Christopher's a bit evasive, and then says he can't talk very long. He says he sent her an email and would like this forty minutes to carry over until their call week. Forty minutes? How early does Rory get up for school? And how could she forget a weekly forty-minute phone call? Rory asks if he wants to say hello to Lorelai. He says he has to go and can't, but that he would like her to say hello for him. He says he'll call her Wednesday. Rory hangs up and tells Lorelai that Christopher said hello. Lorelai says he didn't. Rory asks what they're fighting about. Lorelai says that they're not fighting. Rory asks what's keeping them from talking. Lorelai suggests Desperately Seeking Susan. Rory suggests My Mother is Two. Rory says she gives up, and that if Lorelai isn't interested in talking about it, then they don't have to discuss it, and Lorelai can stay in a fight with Christopher as long as she wants. Rory picks up her backpack and says she's late for school. Maybe Christopher doesn't always call in the morning, but he's the only one who would call at that hour to cancel on the evening phone call? I shouldn't try to figure out time logic on this show ever. It makes my eyebrows hurt. Lorelai makes plans to see Rory after school at Luke's.
I don't know what time of the year it's supposed to be, but the chalkboard at this public school reads "Final Exam Today! No Talking. No Wandering Eyes. No Looking Behind You." Is it May? The other chalkboard reads "There is nothing fascinating on your palm, on your shoe, under your desk, on the floor." Lane is taking a test. The teacher announces that there are fifteen minutes left. She's a friend of friends of mine. I'm wondering why they dressed her like this scene was shot for The Wonder Years. Jess slides into class and sits behind Lane. He asks her for a pencil. She says she doesn't have one. He asks for a pen. She says he only has fifteen minutes. He asks for the answers. She says he can get the pen out of her bag. He says his mother taught him never to go into the bags of ladies: "At least, not until you're a couple of blocks away." He then has to add that he was just kidding because we couldn't tell it was a joke. ["Because that kid can't act for shit. I really hate Jess. (I was off last week so I didn't get a chance to say it then, and just in case you were wondering, I still really do.)" -- Wing Chun] Lane hands Jess a pen and tells him to shut up. Jess says small towns really are friendly. He pulls out his Vonnegut and makes notes in the margin. (I guess it's Rory's Vonnegut.) The teacher notices Jess and gives an ultra-long sigh. Good work, Friend of my Friends. Good work.
Aw, shit, y'all. Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington is now a principal. He's called Luke into his office to discuss how horrible a student Jess is. Jess's last name is Mariano, for those of you who care. All one of you. ["Douche Rob from the latest season of Survivor is also a Mariano, and since Douche Rob is from Boston, not far from Stars Hollow, I like to think he could be Jess's cousin or something. Then you could say doucheliness runs in the family." -- Wing Chun] Luke asks whether everything's okay, since he didn't see any cop cars or fire trucks outside. Freddie tells Luke to have a seat. Luke sits and asks what Jess has done. He notes the thick folder Freddie's thumbing through, and since he got a call to come over, he wants to know what Jess has done. Freddie tells him, "Nothing." Jess hasn't done any homework, classwork, or tests. Maybe Freddie can get Epstein to write him a note from Epstein's mother. Freddie complains about Jess's attitude, and that it can range from indifferent to hostile. Also, all the baseballs have disappeared from the school. Luke scoffs that Jess could steal all of those baseballs. Luke already knows that Jess is a random petty thief. Maybe he's making an awesome sculpture of gnomes, ladders, hoses, and baseballs. Luke says he'll check when he gets home. Freddie says he'd just like to focus on Jess's grades for now. Jess is failing, and will have to be held back a year. Luke says he's not good at school and won't be able to help Jess study. Freddie tells Luke to get him a relative or someone to help tutor Jess. Luke says he's the smartest one in the family. Freddie suggests a tutor. Aren't these things that Luke can figure out on his own? Freddie is pulling the acting chops we haven't seen since the "Gimme Drugs" very special episode of Welcome Back, Kotter. Luke says he'll figure something out. Freddie reminds him to check on those baseballs. He says they've been using tennis balls for the past few weeks. "Very different results," he says. Ha.
Diner. Lorelai crosses Fletch and Urban Cowboy off her list. Now there are only seventy-five possibilities. Lorelai suggests a Woodstock-esque movie weekend where they show one after another for three days and charge insane amounts of money for bottled water. Cardigan Man shows up to give Lorelai a giant book of possible movie titles. Lorelai can only pick from this book because movies are expensive and this company gives Stars Hollow a good deal. Lorelai can't believe they can only pick a movie from that book. Cardigan Man says it's fun. He shows her that they have the titles of the movies on one side of the page, and descriptions of the movies on the other. Such as: "Arctic Flight -- Man with plane flies charter to Alaska, hired by bear hunter who turns out to be Russian spy. Love story develops with pilot and schoolteacher. Eskimos do tribal dance." Lorelai accuses Cardigan Man of making this up. "Don't I wish," Cardigan Man jokes. He excuses himself and says he can't wait to see what they come up with. Rory reads off the description of a shark movie. Lorelai reads a description of an industrial film warning kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. That one sounds like fun, actually. Rory reads one about a mom dying of gas asphyxiation. Lorelai reads one about an ice skater falling in love with his hired help. She says now she knows how Snow Dogs got made. Luke comes back into the diner and asks if they've seen Jess. Rory says she thinks she saw him go upstairs. Luke goes upstairs. Wow.
Luke finds Jess upstairs. Jess is putting away some CDs. He organizes not by the alphabet, but by genre. File him under "Wasting Our Time With His Affected Droll Attitude." Luke sees that Jess is now reading a book from under his pillow, and asks if that's something for school. Jess rudely says that it isn't, pretty much ignoring the fact that Luke's trying to talk to him. Luke asks if Jess should be reading something for school. Jess says there's no real reason, and asks what Luke's babbling about. Luke says that he knows Jess is flunking out, skipping class, and stealing baseballs. Jess merely smiles into his book. Luke asks why Jess needs five hundred baseballs. Jess says he'd like to talk about this later. Luke tells Jess that the school is going to hold him back. Jess says that at least he'll know where all his classes are. Luke says this is serious: Jess will end up being the old guy in the back of the classroom with a beard and a racing form, babbling about Steely Dan. Jess doesn't think he'd choose Steely Dan as his babbling band. He says he's going out, and tells Luke not to wait up. Luke asks where Jess wants to be when he grows up. Jess says he'd like to be twenty miles south of wherever Luke is. This kid needs a beating, if you ask my mom. ["As usual, I'm with your mom." -- Wing Chun] Luke tells Jess to think about the future. He asks how Jess plans to get a job, eat, live a life. Jess insults Luke by saying that perhaps he'll work in a diner. He leaves without anyone beating him up properly. How dare he treat the guy that's raising him that way?
Lorelai's in her kitchen, going over the list of movies. She says she's gone through every review and she's picked a movie. It's The Yearling. I can't believe she didn't pick the worst movie she could find and decide to MST3K it with Rory. She drops the book on the floor as there's a knock on the door. Lorelai says that must be Pauline Kael rising from the dead. Rory goes into her bedroom with a roasted marshmallow on a utensil.
It's Luke at the door. He's brought over some brownies. Lorelai wants to know why. He says he accidentally dropped triple the amount of cocoa powder into the batter, and that she's the only person he knows who would still eat them. Lorelai smiles that she loves being special. Luke asks if he may speak to Rory. She says he may. Luke knocks on Rory's bedroom door. Rory answers. He asks if he can come in and talk to her. She invites him in. Rory and Lorelai share a confused look.
In Rory's bedroom, Luke notes that Rory is studying, and remarks that studying is a very good thing to do. She thanks him. He asks if she'll tutor Jess. He tells her that Jess will fail his grade if he doesn't start doing better. Rory says that Jess is smart enough to pass any subject. Luke says he doesn't think it's Jess's lack of smarts that's keeping him in the eleventh grade. It's the fact that he's not going to school. Rory asks what subject Jess needs help in. Luke says it's probably all the subjects. He tells Rory he doesn't expect miracles, and that this doesn't have to be a full-time thing; he just wants Jess to get through a couple of his upcoming tests. Rory says she'll do it. Luke asks if she'll do it tonight. She will. Luke thanks her and tells her to go back to her studies.
In the kitchen, Luke tells Lorelai he'll see her at dinner. Lorelai asks what all of that was about. Luke's practically hyperventilating with the stammering and the discomfort as he tells Lorelai that Rory's going to tutor Jess for a little while until his grades get back up. Lorelai says, "Wow." Luke says he'll go now. Lorelai follows him out the door and says that Rory's too nice to say no to anybody, and Lorelai's not sure this is a good idea. She says that Rory's got her own studies to worry about. I mean, Rory takes about nineteen classes at Chilton. Luke promises that this won't take up much of Rory's time. He adds that he couldn't imagine Rory accepting the offer if she thought it'd be too taxing. Lorelai says that Rory's just a kid, and that perhaps a professional tutor would be more appropriate to help Jess: "Somebody with a degree and a pipe and one of those coats with the elbow patches on it?" Luke says he needs someone Jess will listen to and look up to. "He likes Rory," Luke says slowly as if there's a possibility we might still not get it. He says that Jess needs to see someone he respects doing what he should be doing. Lorelai says she doesn't know if this'll work for Jess. Luke says he's desperate, and that he has to try something. He asks Lorelai what she'd do if it were her in Luke's position. Lorelai's favorite subject is Lorelai, after all, so she ponders for a moment the answer to this question. She answers with this noise: "Ninuh." She makes Luke promise that Jess won't take up too much of Rory's precious time. Luke promises, and tells her to enjoy the brownie. He leaves, and Lorelai takes a bite. After the initial chocolate shock, she concludes that they're pretty good brownies.
Kirk finds Lorelai at Luke's. He asks for a minute of her time. "I'll give you two, 'cause you scare me," Lorelai says. Kirk says he knows that Lorelai's in charge of selecting the movie for the movie night. He tells her that he has great ambitions. Lorelai says she didn't know that about him. "It's true. Don't get me wrong. I love the blue collar work." Kirk rattles off a list of his jobs that he might be reading from his own Kirk merch here at TWoP. He says that, in his soul, he's Akira Kurosawa. Lorelai says that The Seven Samurai is a great movie. Kirk doesn't know what she's talking about. He eventually concludes that he was actually thinking about Asaad Kelada, the director of many episodes of The Facts of Life ["and the punchline to Ron Howard's Fame Audit over at Fametracker" -- Wing Chun]. Kirk's made a short film over the past five years, and he'd like it to open the Movie in the Square tomorrow night. Lorelai asks what kind of movie it is. Kirk says that it's not "blue," and totally PG material. It's more Babe 2 than Babe. Lorelai says she'll think about it and get back to him. He leaves her a copy of the movie and says that he can take out two of the "hell"s, but he needs to keep all the "damn"s. "It's a street-cred thing," he says. Lorelai says goodbye to Kirk. He leaves. Lorelai and Rory rejoice that they'll have something fun to do tonight. Rory tells Lorelai not to start the screening without her. Lorelai asks if Rory wants pie, coffee, hot chocolate, or her very first egg cream, all in an effort to stall Rory's appointment with Jess. Rory says they're just studying, and that they'll be doing it at Luke's, so there's nothing to worry about. Rory tells Lorelai to go. Lorelai stalls by drinking her coffee. Finally, she makes to leave, and Rory asks Lorelai to lie to Dean if he calls. She wants Lorelai to tell him that Rory's with Lane. Lorelai asks why she has to lie if this is no big deal. Rory says it won't be okay with Dean if Rory studies with Jess. Lorelai says that perhaps Rory shouldn't do this if she's uncomfortable enough about it that she's asking Lorelai to lie. Rory says she's not asking Lorelai to lie, even though she is. Rory tells Lorelai to not answer the phone, which Lorelai won't do, since she sometimes gets calls at her own house as well. Rory decides to let Lorelai tell Dean that Rory's studying, which isn't exactly a lie, even though it totally is.
Jess comes out and says smarmy things with his smarmy, asshole eyebrows. Man, I'm tired of the sound of his voice and all the stupid things they make him say. ["Lady, get in line. It's a long line." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai and Rory have to ask Jess about eighty times to give them a minute to finish talking, but he's not done making "funny" "quips" and "verbal" "jabs." I'm so done with Jess. I'm so done I'd be willing to skip the last two or three episodes if it means we won't see him again until season three. ["No, no deal! Never! We must never see him again, ever, never, never, NEVER! -- Wing Chun] Done with him, I am. Rory promises to be home early. Lorelai kisses her goodbye and says goodbye to Jess. Instead of saying goodbye, the little shit just says, "Ma'am." You know, I really want my mom to watch this show, but I can't do it until they get rid of Jess or there's a non-Jess episode. Because he will make my mother hate this show before she even gives it a chance. Jess doesn't have his books, so they can't study. It's just a ploy to get Rory to come up to his room. It's not working, so Jess does a magic act. There's nothing like a random magic act to prove that the guy you're with is a complete tool.
Later, Jess is still doing magic tricks. Give it a rest, Blackstone. Unless you can make yourself disappear. ["Or bury yourself alive. Or set yourself on fire. Or cut yourself in half." -- Wing Chun] Jess is not answering any of Rory's school-centered questions. Instead, he asks where CuteDean is tonight. Flirting, flirting, flirting. It all bores me. It's the same conversation over and over again with these two. He makes her feel guilty about her boyfriend; she tries to talk about something else. She tells him that CuteDean's out of town, which she shouldn't have done. Jess tries to get her to talk about Please Kill Me, the oral history of the punk movement. Rory flirts and says she'll leave if Jess doesn't start paying attention. She says she'd like to borrow Please Kill Me. Strummy music starts as Jess watches Rory and gives a self-satisfied smile.
Even later. It appears that Rory and Jess have eaten a pie together. Instead of studying, Jess has taken to writing down Clash lyrics and making Rory guess the song. Leave, Rory. You aren't getting paid to babysit. In fact, you're not getting paid at all, as far as we can tell, so either neck with the boy or go home. Rory asks why Jess agreed to be tutored. Jess says that Luke said he had to. Rory says that Jess doesn't do what anybody ever tells him to. Jess asks if she'd like to get out of there. He's tired of studying. Rory says he hasn't done any studying yet. She says that all he's done is perform some magic tricks, make coffee, and explain how Coldplay could be considered an alternative band. I don't buy for a second that Jess would believe that, anyway. Jess sees Rory's car and asks if they can get some ice cream. He says that if they go out for ice cream, he'll study when they get back. Rory says there's ice cream there at the diner. Jess says they don't have any cones, and that cones are the most important part of the ice cream. Rory agrees, flirtatiously. She gives him the keys and says she'll read Othello to him as he drives. Rory has never been dumber in her life.
Did they drive to Bridgeport to get ice cream? Jess is driving the car Dean gave Rory as he tells Rory to admit that ice cream is better in cones. I wish he's stop saying "cones" like that. "Connnnnes." Jess never looks at the road and take his hands off the wheel to eat his ice cream. He tells Rory to take the wheel, because his ice cream is dripping. Rory freaks out and holds the wheel, but nobody looks at the road even once. Although we saw the car driving in Stars Hollow proper, through the back windshield we can see that they're driving on some kind of highway now. And through the side window, it appears they're driving through Compton. Jess takes the wheel back, but never looks at the road as the two of them flirt and flirt and flirt. Look at the road! Rory asks why Jess is intentionally flunking out of school. Jess answers, "Whatever." Rory talks about how great and brilliant and genius and perfect Jess is. She asks if it's a "cool" thing. Jess says he could care less about being cool. "Couldn't care less," Jess. It's "couldn't care less." Otherwise you do care. Man, why does he have to do every single thing that I hate? Jess says he's not going to college because college is so lame, man. Then Jess starts talking about Lorelai and how she's lame and how everybody sucks because everybody hates him so much. Rory says she doesn't want to hear his "Kurt Cobain-y thing." She keeps going on about how cool and awesome he is. Why don't you just date him, then, Rory? I'm so tired. Jess changes the subject to ask, over-enthusiastically, "So, Courtney! What about you?" Rory tells him that she's going to Harvard. Then she's going to be a journalist like Christiane Amanpour. Jess is pretty sure Rory couldn't hang in a tent with bombs going off all around her. He thinks it's too rough for her. Rory says it's not, and that she hopes it's not, because she's been talking about this forever. What about Fez, Rory? What about Fez?! Nobody's watching the road. Suddenly, Rory doesn't think she can do it anymore because Jess expressed a little doubt. She hates herself and thinks she's worthless because Jess doesn't have faith in her. So now Jess has to tell Rory how cool and awesome she is. Flirt, flirt, flirt. He says he'll help her practice by having her stand in the middle of the street as he drives straight for her, screaming in a foreign language. Rory laughs and says he'll have to learn one first. Jess says it's lucky he's got a tutor. They stare at each other for a long time, neither of them even glancing toward the road. After a bit, Jess says they should probably head back and study, since he promised they'd do that after ice cream. He says they could just turn off the road and just drive around in circles for a while. "Turn right," Rory says. Oh, just do it, already! "As you wish," Jess says, who's so not Westley. Jess turns to make the circles we've been watching them dance in all season long.
Lorelai's organizing the menu drawer as the phone rings. She answers. It's Rory. Lorelai brags that she's organizing the drawer. She's putting happy-face stickers on the menus, to the dishes they liked. Rory asks her to be calm about what she's about to tell her. Lorelai asks where she is. "I'm all right," Rory answers. Lorelai starts getting anxious, and asks why Rory wouldn't be all right. Rory tells her that she got in an accident. She says that she and Jess were driving when an animal ran out into the road and Jess swerved. Lorelai is pretty upset that Jess was driving Rory's car and caused an accident. Rory says that everybody's okay, except for the car. Lorelai asks again where Rory is. "I'm in the hospital," Rory says quietly. It's the prettiest hospital I've ever seen. And is it in Hartford?
Lorelai storms through the hospital doors ["which read 'Stars Hollow Hospital,' like a town without a stoplight would have its own hospital" -- Wing Chun] because on the previews we're supposed to think that Rory died in a car crash. Lorelai asks the head nurse where she can find Rory. The nurse tells Lorelai to take a seat. Lorelai threatens to go Shirley MacLaine on her ass if the nurse doesn't tell Lorelai where Rory is. The nurse checks the list and tells Lorelai which room Rory's in.
A doctor is setting Rory's wrist in a cast, which I don't think they could have done without Lorelai's written permission. Rory says she's fine, and that it's just a fracture. The doctor -- who isn't Kirk, unfortunately -- tells Lorelai that Rory's fine. He says that Rory will have to wear a cast for a couple of weeks. Lorelai tells the doctor to do any test he can to find out whether there's anything else that could be wrong with Rory. He says he'll run a few more x-rays on Rory, so it's going to be a little while before Rory can leave. The doctor leaves. Rory tells Lorelai that the car's not so good. "Oh, nobody cares about the car," Lorelai says. There's the understatement of the year. Rory says that Jess made sure she was okay before they called the police. Lorelai says she'd rather hear the details later. She just wants Rory to relax. Rory asks if Lorelai's mad. Lorelai says she's not. She asks if they brought Rory over in the ambulance. They did. She asks if they used the siren. They did. Lorelai hopes that Cardigan Man was in bed already. Rory says it was after nine, so there's a good chance. Is it a school night? When's Friday? The doctor comes back and tells Rory it's time to go to Radiology. He tells Lorelai it'll be about an hour. Lorelai kisses Rory and tells her to smile pretty for the camera. Lorelai leaves the hospital room heavily, wearing a very concerned pout.
Lorelai marches right over to Luke's. She bangs on the door. Luke answers. Lorelai asks where Jess is. She storms into the restaurant looking for him. Luke doesn't know what's going on. Lorelai storms up to the apartment, but Jess isn't there. Lorelai tells Luke that Jess crashed Rory in a car and now Rory's got a fractured wrist. Luke keeps trying to ask Lorelai what's going on, but Lorelai is just looking for Jess right now so that she can beat the shit out of him. Luke asks if Jess is hurt. "No, Luke," Lorelai says. "Jess did the hurting. That little punk nephew of yours almost killed my kid tonight." Luke says that accidents happen. Lorelai says that they don't happen to Rory. Luke tells her to calm down. Lorelai flings forward like a cobra and asks why he brought Jess to Stars Hollow when everyone hates him and he's evil. It's like they're reading our hatred of Jess right off the forum. Lorelai lists all of Jess's flaws. Luke storms out. Lorelai follows, telling him that he pushed those kids together. Lorelai says she knew the tutoring would be a bad idea, and that Jess was bad for Rory even if Rory was good for Jess. Lorelai asks why Luke didn't make Jess leave. Luke says he had an obligation to take care of Jess. Lorelai says that Luke had an obligation to the town, and to her and Rory. No, he didn't. Lorelai asks where Luke's going. Luke says he has to find Jess. Lorelai says she knows he's not at the hospital getting his arm plastered up. Luke says he's sorry about Rory, and that he cares about her more than he cares about himself, but that he has to find Jess and find out of he's okay. He says he's sorry if this cuts into Lorelai's screaming time. Lorelai tells him to go to hell. "Right back atcha," he says. He storms off. Lorelai storms off in the other direction. She stops when she sees the tow truck carrying Rory's smashed car. She starts crying as she sees that Rory really should be dead. And credit to CuteDean, man. That thing may have curled up like a sardine can, but Rory only fractured her wrist. That's some good car building, right there. Lorelai gets on her cell phone and calls Christopher.
Luke finds Jess pouting at the pond. He's smoking. "I made sure she was okay," Jess says. "I know you did," Luke says. He sits down to Jess. They sit there. It's interesting that they let Jess really smoke. So often you see kids on TV just holding cigarettes, not taking a drag at all. By the way, I just recently hit the one-year mark on not smoking. I feel like I should win a million dollars now. Something. Because I miss smoking so much. It's the worst breakup I've ever gone through.
Rory's resting in bed at home, and Lorelai's making sure that she's going to be okay. Rory has a pad and paper in case she needs to write the great American novel, a Sinéad CD, and a tiny bell to ring in case she needs more things. Rory says she'd like to sleep now. Lorelai asks if her arm's hurting. Rory says it isn't, but that the drugs from the hospital are making her a little dopey. "My little Marianne Faithful," Lorelai says. Rory tucks herself in as Lorelai moves a chair closer to the bed. Rory says that Lorelai doesn't have to sleep in Rory's room. Lorelai says she's just moving the chair and giving it a pillow and blanket for company. Lorelai gets into the chair, props her legs up, and goes to sleep. Ow, her knees are going to be so hyperextended. Rory apologizes for the accident. Lorelai tells her that the chair is trying to sleep.
Later, we pan down from the sleeping Rory to the sleeping Lorelai. She wakes up. She looks to her right. Yikes! Man in the room! It's Christopher, sleeping beside her. I can't believe he has his own key to the house. ["That I could believe." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai wakes him up and they quietly leave the bedroom.
Lorelai asks what he's doing there. Christopher says he drove as fast as he could, but that Rory and Lorelai had already left the hospital, and that he couldn't reach Lorelai on her cell phone, so he came to the house and broke in using the key from the turtle. Lorelai hugs him and says she's glad he's there. Christopher asks how Rory's doing. "She's in a cast," Lorelai answers. She says the doctors say Rory will be fine in a couple of weeks, but that the car's totaled. Christopher says he'll take care of the car tomorrow, and that he would like to talk to the doctors to make sure everything's okay. He asks for a picture of Jess so he doesn't accidentally kill the wrong kid. Lorelai's all, "My hero." She asks if he's staying there tonight. Christopher says he is, and is evasive about Sherri once again. Lorelai asks if he wants some coffee. Christopher says he'll make it. She asks if he knows how to make her coffee. He says he puts in one bag of coffee per cup of water. Lorelai says she was so terrified when she heard the word "hospital" the night before. She thought she was having a heart attack, and says she's going to join a gym tomorrow so that she never feels that way again. Christopher asks her to look into a two-for-one membership. Lorelai says it could have been so much worse. Christopher says that everything's going to be okay. They make up from their fight in sentence fragments. Lorelai repeats that she's glad Christopher is there.
But the show must go on! Movie night. Can they call it a festival with just one movie? Christopher's bummed that the film is The Yearling. Lorelai says that picking a movie that appeals to a large group of people is very difficult. Lane runs up to see her best friend, finally, an entire night after Rory's been in a terrible car accident. Lorelai and Christopher leave to find seats. Lane's brought Rory an Emily sticker for Rory's cast. ["Emily Strange, not Emily Gilmore." -- Wing Chun] Rory says that the accident was horrible. She explains that they swerved to miss an animal, and hit a pole. She says that the car is totaled. How long is CuteDean out of town? Rory says he gets home tomorrow, and that she hasn't told him. She tells Lane that she hasn't spoken to Jess since last night, either. She says everyone's so upset right now. She knows something has happened between Lorelai and Luke, but she doesn't know what. She says that everyone needs time to cool off, and that she'll try calling Jess tomorrow. Lane says that everyone should be totally cooled off by tomorrow. Rory tells her that sarcasm doesn't become her. Lane says it might not, but that it does sustain her.
Lorelai asks Sookie why Jackson isn't at the movie festival. Sookie explains that Jackson has to sing to his persimmons tonight because they've been a little sour lately. Christopher asks why Lorelai's okay with being told that a man is out singing to his fruit. Lorelai says it's better than last year, when Jackson danced with his watermelon. Sookie adds that he threw his back out that night. Christopher says he'll just face the movie screen now. The lights darken as Lorelai tells Sookie she's about to get a pre-movie treat. It's Kirk's short film.
"a film by kirk," it says. Have you seen David Lynch's Eraserhead? Then you've seen Kirk's short film. It's black and white, shot in strange angles. It stars Kirk and the girl from Mr. Show. ["Mary Lynn Rajskub." -- Wing Chun] Kirk and Mary Lynn play a couple; he's going to meet her strange family. All the lines are read in a stilted way, and it's edited poorly. Mary Lynn's father is played by that guy who's always sweaty and angry and I think perhaps he was in Flashdance. ["Jon Polito." -- Wing Chun] The family sits around a table, and except for the bleeding moving tiny chickens, this is a scene straight out of Eraserhead. Kirk stands up and says he loves the girl. The father asks what Kirk has to offer. Kirk says, "Nothing. Only this." He stands up and breakdances to "White Lines."
"Wow," Christopher says to Lorelai. "He raps later," she says. Sookie gets up to go get Jackson. Lorelai says they're playing the film again after the movie. Christopher says the entire town is like a giant outpatient mental institution. Lorelai says she's glad he could join them. Christopher watches Kirk wiggle his booty on the screen, and says he's coming around more often to protect Lorelai from her neighbors. Flirt, flirt, flirt. Lorelai drops Sherri's name like Jess drops CuteDean's. Rory shows up and says, "Oh, my lord!" Lorelai tells Christopher to cover Rory's eyes. She's only a child. Rory notes that Kirk's taking his shirt off. Christopher says he can't watch this anymore either, and leaves to get all of them popcorn. Rory scoots over to Lorelai and says she likes it when Christopher is there. Lorelai agrees. The short film ends with the family leaving for dinner as a half-naked Kirk looks to the ceiling. There's an eagle noise as the credits roll. People politely applaud. Miss Patty walks over and boasts that she did the choreography. Babette calls Miss Patty over. She's saved her a seat. Miss Patty leaves. Lorelai asks Rory how she's feeling. Rory says she's haunted by the sight of Kirk's bare chest.
Cut to gossip central. Babette is telling Miss Patty that Luke put Jess on a one-way bus out of Stars Hollow last night. Yay! ["I would have preferred it if Luke put Jess in a rocket and fired him into the sun, but that'll do for now, I guess." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai and Rory listen quietly. Babette says she thinks Jess wanted to go: "All I know is that Jess is gone." I wish that were true. Oh, how I wish that were true. "What will we do for entertainment around here?" Miss Patty wonders. Maybe get to keep your personal property around longer? The lights fade, and The Yearling starts as Rory pouts and Lorelai watches Rory pout.
week, it's more of the same. CuteDean kicks a duffel bag. The name "Jess" is said a million times. Hey, did they skip the "amazing" quotient this week, or did I just not catch it?