We open to a town meeting, where Miss Patty is trying to calm Cardigan Man down. He feels that he's being "persecuted." Miss Patty (who appears to be in charge, due to her "In Charge" podium) promises to listen to his case. The locals get grumpy and ask Cardigan Man to sit down. Cardigan Man tells Older Local that his claim is more important, since his business doesn't sell drug paraphernalia to kids. "It was a lava lamp, Taylor," sighs Older Local. Cardigan Man insists that there's no need to own a lava lamp if you're not on drugs. As they continue bickering, Lorelai sits down beside Rory with a tray full of hot dogs and sodas and asks what she's missed. Rory fills her in and tells her that Cardigan Man is trying to get the No Parking sign in front of his store removed, because he thinks his customers are being unfairly ticketed. "No, it's just because he wants to park there all day," Lorelai whispers. "Genius," Rory whispers back. The Mayor stands up to say, "I've been the Mayor here for a long time." Lorelai and Rory elbow each other and try and hide their giggles. He says that he thinks of everyone as his children, and sometimes children have to be disciplined. "Now, I'm going to say this, and I'm only going to say this once: we have leash laws, people." "Daddy's getting angry," Lorelai snips at Rory. Hee. Rory and Lorelai continue Statler and Waldorfing throughout the rest of the Mayor's points on leashing dogs. The Mayor turns all serious to say that the anniversary of the "Legendary Battle of Stars Hollow" is approaching. As the crowd erupts in applause, we cut to Luke, who is yawning and unimpressed. Lorelai watches Luke grumble and shake his head. The Mayor has a petition for people to sign to participate in the re-enactment. As the Mayor begins telling the story of the battle like it's The Night Before Christmas, Lorelai and Rory continue giving color commentary on Luke's increasing discomfort. I can't believe no one has asked Rory and Lorelai to put a lid on it yet. Luke finally jumps up and shouts, "For God's sake, do we have to go through this every damn year?" Rory and Lorelai are in full Springer audience mode. I suddenly want a hot dog. Luke says he thought they were there to discuss town issues. Cardigan Man says that it is a town issue. The Mayor asks who's speaking. Luke introduces himself, adding, "You've known me since I was five years old." "Oh, Luke. Yes. Sit down." Rory and Lorelai continue to giggle as Luke slowly sits down, and the Mayor continues telling the story of the battle: the twelve heroic men were at attention all night long, waiting for the battle. Luke jumps up and says that twelve guys just stood around all night long in the cold. The enemy never showed: "They got stood up. They should have been wearing prom dresses." Lorelai and Rory laugh loudly. The other Stars Hollow townies look like they don't know how to react; they mostly look at the ground. Rory is the only kid in the place. Cardigan Man and Luke trade insults as Lorelai tells Rory, "Five bucks says somebody ends up in a headlock." Luke says that this entire thing glorifies a war they fought to keep land that they stole. The Mayor shouts, "If you don't like it here in America, why don't you go stand in line for toilet paper in the U.S.S.R.?" Luke points out that there isn't a U.S.S.R. anymore. "A sense of community is so important, isn't it?" Lorelai asks Rory. Rory nods. "It's a known fact." Fade to black as Rory and Lorelai continue eating.
I dance around in my slippers and flannel pj's to "Where You Lead" because, well, it's fun as hell. Try it. It's a great damn song. ["Roger that." -- Wing Chun]
I also need to point out here that there is something wrong with me that I hadn't identified this trivia bit before: Emily played Baby's mother in Dirty Dancing. Do you know how many "Nobody puts Rory in the corner" jokes I've missed on this? I hate myself. I'm slipping, people. This sugar-coated wholesome show is taking the bite off of my writing. It's sad.
Lorelai looks out her bedroom window, smiles, and walks down the stairs to the living room, where she opens the window and breathes the air. She grabs the answering machine, hits the button and sits down on the couch to listen to the message. It's Max. He blah-blahs on her machine for a long time about how he'd like to see her. Lorelai sits curled up on her couch giggling and dreaming along to his voice. The second he says, "Bye," Lorelai hits the answering machine button and the message begins again. I'm just going to say for the record -- I don't know what the big Max deal is. He's not that attractive or engaging or entertaining. He's kinda...well, creepy. ["Totally agree. He reminds me of a child molester. And, as I said on the forums, he's like Michael Douglas Jr." -- Wing Chun] Okay. Moving on. Rory walks in and asks what Lorelai is doing up. Lorelai turns off the machine and apologizes for waking her. Rory complains that it's freezing and goes to shut the window. Lorelai tells her to wait, close her eyes, and breathe. Rory goes through some half-hearted breathing exercises. "I smell snow," Lorelai wiggles. Rory says it's that time of year. Lorelai asks if Rory can smell it. Rory says it's like "dogs and high-pitched noises" -- something only Lorelai can smell. Whatever; you can totally smell snow in the air. Lorelai giggles and goes on and on about how much she loves snow, and how magical it is and how great the clothes are. Rory mentions the not-so-neat clothes you have to wear when it's freezing. Lorelai says that the best things in her life have happened when it snowed. Rory tucks Lorelai's feet under the blanket. "I feel good," Lorelai smiles. "Tingly." Rory says that's called frostbite. Rory asks when the snowstorm is supposed to hit. Lorelai feels like it'll hit tomorrow. Rory then makes a date for the two of them to sit outside with warm drinks at midnight during the snowstorm, and Lorelai enthuses, "You are my favorite daughter." Rory asks how many times Lorelai is going to listen to Mustang Max's message. "'Till it stops being sexy," she says. Rory makes the grossed-out face and says, "Stop! That's my teacher you're talking about. I have to respect him." Isn't Rory home for Christmas vacation yet? Lorelai offers to make Rory feel better by noting that while Mustang Max is being sexy, he's also being "grammatically correct." Rory says that does help a little bit. Rory goes back to bed, and Lorelai plays her message again while making a fort with the blanket.
Independence Inn. Lorelai smiles to Michel and asks what the weather's like. He Frenches, "It is cold and gray like a fat, dead pigeon." Lorelai and Michel go back and forth about whether or not the snow is pleasant. Lorelai says that if Michel went five minutes with her in a snowball fight she'd knock "that stick right out of [his] butt." Sookie walks up with that ever-present grin and says, "Okay, how's this sound? Maple sugar snowflakes on all of the pillows." Lorelai loves it. It's 79 degrees outside here in L.A. I just thought I should mention that.
Lane walks in with Rory. Lane is wearing a terrible band uniform that makes me feel sorry for her. Rory is going through her bag and not really listening to the fact that Lane is gushing about this boy she's known for a while and is suddenly madly in love with. Rich. She loves her some Rich. Rory can't find her chem book. Lane asks Rory to focus. Lorelai walks up, calls Lane "Sergeant Pepper," and tells Rory that her book is behind the front desk. Rory walks away to get her book. Lorelai looks at Lane for a few seconds and then sighs. "Wow," she says. "Yeah," Lane says back. It really is a hideous outfit.
Rory starts walking towards the kitchen to find Sookie, and asks Lane where they were. Lane says she had just found her soulmate. Rory remembers, "Right. Rich Blumenfeld. Does he still wear the Star Trek shirt?" Lane rolls her eyes.
Sookie is explaining to a new chef how you have to stare at the pot on the stove to make sure that it never boils. Once it boils it'll ruin whatever it is she's making, so she tells him just to stand there and stare. Rory asks Sookie if she has any more of the Rocky Road cookies she made yesterday. Sookie says she can scrounge some up. She walks back over to the chef and asks if he's staring. "I'm staring," he smiles. As she walks away his face falls into the "I am an internationally known chef and I'm staring at a fucking pot," face. Lane is going on about Rich's great hair -- how it's thick but not too thick and has a natural wave and how he obviously doesn't use too many hair products. Rory is clearly distracted. She asks what time it is. Lane doesn't know. "I have to get to the bus stop," Rory smiles. "Dean's meeting me there." "But I'm trying to talk to you about this," Lane whines. "I know. We'll talk on the way," Rory says. Sookie brings Rory a bag of cookies. Lorelai walks into the kitchen and tells Rory that she's having a locksmith over this afternoon and she doesn't know how long it's going to take so she might end up being a bit late for the dinner. Man, it's always Friday on this show. Lorelai picks up the bag of cookies and asks why Rory would have them, since she hates Rocky Road. "No, I don't," Rory says. "Oh, I'm sorry. That must be my other daughter...Schmory." ["Reading that made me remember how Lauren Graham said it, and I laughed again. It was funny." -- Wing Chun] Rory starts to leave. Lorelai stops her and figures out that CuteDean must like Rocky Road. Sookie starts teasing, "She's bringing baked goods to a boy. Wow. Serious." "Here, Dean. These cookies are for you. Cuz you're keen!" Lorelai chimes in. As Lorelai and Sookie begin the endless teasing, Lane looks like she's in total hell. Lorelai and Sookie start dancing and teasing about "the cookies and the love and the Dean," Rory and Lane high-tail it out of there. It's a very endearing scene. Shut up. This show sends my estrogen levels through the damn roof, people. I'm wiggling around to "The Cookies and the Love and the Dean" as Lorelai drops the song and Sookie continues to sing it as she goes back to her watched pot.
Rory and Lane walk down the street. Rory is searching through a book as she walks. Lane says that she's known Rich since the fifth grade but suddenly he's different. He's not gangly anymore. She asks Rory if she remembers how gangly he was. "I'm sorry, what?" is Rory's reply. Lane tells Rory that she's not paying attention. Rory says she couldn't find her bookmark. She finds it and tells Lane to continue. Lane then lays down the problems inherent in "the whole Blumenfeld/Kim situation." Rory offers that hyphenation would be a problem. Lane says that he's also her band partner, so romance "would be completely awkward." Wait, I thought that was why they had band -- so you guys could all be together in your awkwardness and make weird band love. ["It was when I was in band. I had three best band friends and over the years all three of them, in sequence, went out with this one guy, James. Very incestuous." -- Wing Chun] Hey, I'm allowed to joke. I was president of the chess club, okay? Latin club, two years. Drama. Yearbook. I made weird geek love all over the place. But I stayed away from that band thing, man. I've seen what band love can do. It changes you. Permanently. Lane continues her problems (Sorry, Lane. Didn't mean to pull a Rory on you, there), and says that Rich has never even looked at her like she's a girl "or anything resembling one." And there's no way she's going to be able to convince her parents that he's Korean: "But, I can't help it. I'm obsessed. Did I tell you about his hair?" Before Lane can continue gushing, CuteDean pops his head in between the two of them and gives Rory the whispered, "Hi." Rory is instantly beaming. "Lane." "Dean," the two of them Newman to each other. CuteDean wins the battle with, "Nice hat." CuteDean sits beside Rory and returns her book. She asks how he liked it. He says he could tell her but then he'd have to kill her. Rory smiles (Dude, I've already typed the word "smiles" in there seven times. I even changed one once. This is a smiley show) and gloats that she knew CuteDean would like Jane Austen if she gave it to him. She turns to Lane to tell her that CuteDean likes Jane Austen. "Wow. Who'd have thought," Lane mumbles. Rory looks forward and says, "I told him he would, but he was all, 'Forget Jane Austen. You have to read Hunter Thompson.'" CuteDean insists that Rory does need to read Hunter Thompson. ["No, she doesn't." -- Wing Chun] Rory retorts, "Not as much as you needed to read Jane Austen." Cut to miserable, slouchy Lane who's like, "Hi. Still here. Wearing the big hat. Miserable!" CuteDean takes the bag of cookies. "Wow. She brings me cookies. How can I repay her?" Rory says, "How about a little Charlotte Brontë?" ["Emily, yes. Charlotte, no." -- Wing Chun] ["Charlotte." -- Pamie] "How 'bout something else?" CuteDean replies. He leans in and kisses her. Cut to Lane trying not to look. "That's good, too!" Rory says after the kiss. Oh, God, that was so cute. So cute! I'm covered in cute. My cat just walked over to me, put his paw on my lap and said, "Hey, I'm still cute, too, right? I mean, I have large cuteness levels, right?" I hug my cat and overcute. I sprout freckles. Lane excuses herself and mopes away. Rory and CuteDean go back to their book.
St. Clare I, the patron saint of television, steps down from her podium on my table and walks over to my laptop. She puts a tiny hand on mine. "Can I talk to you for a second?" I move over the mugs of hot chocolate and clear her a space. "I just...don't you miss St. Clare II?" she asks me.
"Of course I do," I smile.
"Don't do that."
"What?"
"Don't make the Lorelai face when you talk to me. It's very annoying. All wincey and smiley. I can't take it. And WHAT is with all of the pictures of Johnny Depp all over the table?"
"He's dreamy," I ooze, kicking my slippered feet up on the table and hugging my knees.
"This is incredible. I thought I was doing you a favor but I think I just went too easy on you this year. You've softened, Pamie. You used to bitch along with the rest of them. I don't know what happened. Don't you remember the days of Young Americans, when we stayed up late throwing things and screaming? Don't you remember that? You don't even smoke while you do recaps anymore. It's all different. It's all changed. And I found my Christmas present and opened it already."
"You did? Well, you're just a big poo head, then."
"Stop with the cutesy talk! Jesus. You bought me a training bra, Pamie."
"Well, you're getting older, and things are changing, and you're starting to get some cute little boobies."
"Listen to me. I miss St. Clare II. I thought for sure that we'd have her back by January. I thought for sure this show would bomb because no one would watch it and they'd bring YA back. I was positive. Look, this show is like, 102 on the list. They cancelled The $treet and that show was in the eighties. No one watches your show and it still wins awards and fills this house with that strange smell. What is that smell?"
"Cinnamon."
"It's disgusting. I miss the old Pamie that lusted after gay boys and ripped the Green family new assholes. I miss the Pamie that mocked Coca-Cola and hated Billy and wrote new theme lyrics about Lake Homoerotica. I miss the NAMBLA jokes, man. I miss all of that shit. Don't you?"
"Oh, St. Clare. Do you want me to make you some cookies?"
"I want you to take a good, long hard look at yourself and see what you've become! You've gone soft! You might as well just go back to writing love poems to boys who don't know you exist like you did in the tenth grade!"
"Now you're just being mean."
"I want my best friend back and I don't think there's ever going to be a show bad enough to cause her resurrection!"
"Did I mention I'm recapping Popstars in January?"
"...Really?"
"Yeah."
"The Making the Band rip-off show with the girl-band-Spice-Girls thing?"
"Yeah."
"Ohhhhhh."
"Yeah, it's gonna suck."
"Wow."
"Yeah. Suck hard, St. Clare. Painful reality television with glitter."
"Yeah, sorry I yelled. Pass me that bowl of Doritos."
"You got it."
"And hands off Mustang Max. He's all mine."
"You can have him. He's creepy."
"No way."
"He totally is!"
"No! At least I'm not a pedophile."
"You shut up! CuteDean is the best!"
"You're so ridiculous."
"You're the ridiculous."
"I love you."
"I love you, too. Did you see my nails?"
"CUTE!"
"I KNOW!"
Lorelai walks into the Independence Inn and announces that it is now snowing. She walks over to Michel and tells him to make a wish on the first snowfall of the season. "Get away from me," he drones. "Oh, you're not supposed to say it out loud." As Michel answers the phone, Lorelai gets all distant and starts talking about how the snow changes the world and softens it. Michel hands Lorelai the phone. "It's your mother." "And then the rain comes," says Lorelai.
Emily tells Lorelai that a bad storm is on the way and that it's already hit where she lives. Lorelai says she'll get the ark if Emily grabs the animals. Emily says she's sent a driver for Rory because there's black ice and dangerous roads out there. She asks when Lorelai will be there. Lorelai makes a joke about not being Wonder Woman and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to make it. She says that if it's as bad as Emily says it is, then she probably won't go. Emily says that Rory should probably spend the night. She starts to talk about what should happen if the weather is still bad tomorrow, but Lorelai interrupts to say that they should see what the weather is before Emily "fills out a change of address card." Rory walks in and Emily puts her on the phone. Rory tells Lorelai that saddle shoes aren't the best for this kind of weather. "Oh, you fell," Lorelai moans. "Twice," Rory confirms. Lorelai tells Rory that she's not going to be able to come out tonight, and Rory reschedules their snow date for the night.
Back to the "Townie Humor" subplot. Luke watches the re-enactors approach their places in full battle gear. He walks up to the mayor and begs him to put a stop to this. The mayor points out that Luke's father was a re-enactor, and that Luke should have some respect. Luke says that he thought his father was crazy also. As the re-enactors walk away, Lorelai giggles and walks up. "There goes the police chief, the fire chief, and the one paramedic with a legal license. I feel safe, don't you?" Luke and Lorelai go back and forth on whether or not tradition is nice in this "I hate things"/"I think things are nice" banter that has already been written before on lots of Christmas specials. Lorelai explains her love of snow: she says that when she was five she had a bad ear infection that kept her in bed for a week so she wished really hard that something wonderful would happen and the morning it snowed. So whenever she sees snow, she thinks it's a gift for her. This snow in Stars Hollow is pretty cool, though. It's really thick and sticks to hair but nothing else, and it doesn't make the air all cold like regular snow does, so everyone wears nice coats and hats, but it's warm enough that they can all stand around and chit-chat without having to see their own breath or dance around to keep warm. The ground is a bit wet, but not enough that cars are swerving around. No one's face is red or chapped and makeup stays pretty darn perfect. Yeah, I can see why Lorelai loves it when it snows in Stars Hollow. Luke tells Lorelai that his father used to be a re-enactor and that he had his own musket, with which he was buried. The camera cuts over to the re-enactors taking their places for a photo. Those guys are magical too: they are standing in the only place where snow has collected on the ground in Stars Hollow. Luke asks if Lorelai wants to come into the diner for some coffee. She says she'd rather walk around: "Enjoy my present a little." Whatever. Luke watches Lorelai walk off and sighs. Lorelai officially went off the cute chart and into the crazy-girl chart on that last scene, by the way.
A band boy runs towards a group of band kids, and from the look on Lane's face, we must know this blonde mophead is Rich. The band director is yelling at everyone to get into formation. I think the band director might be Miles from Murphy Brown. He tells everyone to get their instruments ready but to not actually put any flutes or metal instruments to their mouths until they are inside. Lane watches Rich pull his instrument out. Shut up, all of you dirty-minded ones. She's just watching him get ready. For practice. It's band. Quit being gross. Lane starts to pant, and raises her hand up to her chest. She puts her hand out and brushes back some of Rich's hair as he looks down the street. She sighs and smiles. Rich flips his head towards her in a "what are you doing?" face. Lane jumps back and loses her smile. "Oh!" she says, coming back to the current world. And Lane does what any respectable teen girl does after accidentally touching a boy's hair who she loves more than anything else in the world but doesn't know she really exists: she runs. She runs as fast as she can, bumping into everyone around her. And everyone laughs, even though they didn't see what she just did because they were all having their own conversations, but they know to laugh when someone's running away as fast as she can. Lane runs and runs and runs. One time when I liked a boy who didn't know I existed I thought I had the perfect plan to get him to notice me. I waited until I knew he was already on the bus (yes, it was a bus crush. Shut up) and I got on the bus with all of my books piled on top of each other (because I thought showing off my smarts would woo my skater boy). I thought I'd brush by him and sit in the seat opposite him, but take a real long time getting all of those books set in the right place and just have my ass right near his arm for a while. Yeah, I thought I'd get him to notice my ass first. I don't know, it seemed perfect when I was fifteen. So, I got on the bus with all of my books, but there was this really big line in front of me to get to my seat, so I ended up standing there, holding all of these books, just staring at him, imagining our life together, imagining him holding my hand and laughing, imagining us landing perfect rail slides together on our boards, just the coolest skate couple in the world. I hadn't noticed that the line had completely disappeared in front of me. I had noticed that he also was making eye contact with me. Just looking up and away, up and away. I kept dreaming and noticing, dreaming and noticing. And then he looked at me. He inhaled. "WHAT? What is your problem?" he shouted at me. I was creeping him out. Mortified, I jumped in the air, stammered, "Nothing! Gah!" and started to haul ass to my seat, tripped on the leg of the bus seat instead, and landed my Latin book into his crotch. He yelled in pain, I freaked out and dropped all of the other books around me and him. I hit my head on the bus seat trying to get one of the books, and one of the folders opened up and paper went flying to the back of the bus. The bus driver was yelling at me. Others were laughing. All in the space of like, fifteen seconds I had become a complete ass. Run, Lane. Run.
Lorelai walks through the snow and slows down when she sees a broken-down Mustang at the gas station. She sees Max. She's squinty and smiley. Max sees her. He smiles. Lorelai cocks her head and continues smiling. Max cocks his head and continues smiling. "I smell snow," Lorelai says to the sky. We pan up from her smile and fade to commercial.
Let me say right off the bat that Lorelai and Mustang Max speak so quickly to each other that it's almost impossible to transcribe here. Mostly it's not that important because I don't actually think that their banter is that witty or fun. The basis of this scene's rapid dialogue is that Mustang Max was on his way back from Stamford and his car broke down. Lorelai finds it quite convenient that his car broke down in her town. "Good car," she purrs. Listening to the two of them reminds me of old acting exercises where you scan out the script and have to take extra long beats and change body positions and blah, blah, blah methodcakes. They talk for a long time about who should be taking the other one somewhere, since one is technically a guest and the other is technically a host, but one is asking for the date, but the other is accepting the date. Do you see what I mean? Anyway, Lorelai tells Mustang Max that Rory's gone for the evening (actually, he asks in this really creepy "is it okay if I sleep with you?" way), and they decide to go wherever Lorelai says they're going to go.
Emily is on the phone while Rory works on homework behind her. Emily is incredibly upset because the weather has made it impossible for Florence to get to their house. "Florence?" Grandpa asks. "Our cook," explains Emily. Grandpa says they'll just have to go out. Emily whines, "Oh, please, Richard. Pay attention. We can't go out. It's miserable out there." Grandpa says they'll figure something out. Emily asks what they're going to figure out. Grandpa says he doesn't know. Emily stamps her foot and says, "I hate the damn snow." Grandpa asks her to calm down. Emily says that these Friday dinners are the only proper nutrition that Rory gets all week and that this is a serious problem. Grandpa looks up from his paper and shouts into the other room, "Rory? Are you at any way malnourished or in need of some International Relief Organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account?" Rory: "I'm good." Grandpa: "She's good, Emily." Emily: "Your sense of humor rears its ugly head at the oddest of times, Richard." Hee. Grandpa says he's not the mastermind behind ruining Emily's dinner, and that he doesn't enjoy being treated that way. Emily asks if he's fine with not having any dinner, then. Grandpa drops his newspaper and says, "I certainly am not!" Rory walks into the room at this point and offers to find something in the kitchen to cook. She tells them to follow her into the kitchen. "It'll be fun, I promise," she smiles. Emily says that if she has to go in there, then Grandpa has to go in there.
The freezer contains several packages of wrapped food. Emily: "Nothing." Grandpa: "Not a blessed thing." Rory finds a box of frozen pizza. Emily is disgusted and says it must belong to Anna. "The maid," Grandpa says. "Yes," Emily confirms. Grandpa: "Ah! Got one!" Rory grabs the box of pizza out of the freezer. She says she's going to make it. Emily and Grandpa try and talk her out of it. "That's food you eat at a carnival, or in a Turkish prison," insists Emily. Rory tells them to go back into the living room and says she'll call them when it's ready. She asks Emily what the odds are of her knowing where a cookie sheet might be. "I'd say very slim," Grandpa offers. Rory tells them to forget it, and that she'll find it on her own. "Very slim? Thank you for that," snarks Emily. She and Grandpa leave the kitchen.
Now just listen to the following dialogue while Mustang Max and Lorelai pick up their food from the take-out window. Lorelai: "Thank you. Hold that?" Mustang Max: "Yep." Lorelai: "Thank you." Mustang Max: "Thanks." Counting Emily's that's four "Thanks" in less than fifteen seconds. This show couldn't get any more wholesome. Seriously. Lorelai and Mustang Max go immediately back into their quick "jokey" banter, which I refuse to recap, so here are the facts you learn from all of this. Mustang Max has never been married. He almost was once, but she's in Thailand now, because of business. He believes in "fate, poetry and love." Lorelai says she's never been married. Mustang Max asks if she was ever close to getting married. She says that Rory's father proposed. "What happened?" Lorelai: "The bell rang? I was late for Chem lab?" She says she's glad they didn't get married, because her life would have been completely different and she likes her life and if her life was different she wouldn't be walking with Mustang Max right now in the snow. He asks where they're going. She says she can't ruin the surprise. They debate about which one is the crazier one and if they are, in fact, a perfect match.
Grandpa is arguing business over the phone. Rory has been looking out the window while Emily goes over some paperwork. Rory stands up and wanders out of the room.
Rory walks into Lorelai's bedroom, fiddles with the dollhouse for a second, and then walks over to the vanity. She opens a drawer and pulls out some books. She finds a photo album. Let me just say here that this is so dangerous. Having spent some time this summer cleaning out my mom's old bedroom from when she was a kid, you find things in there that you always wanted to know, and things you never needed to know. You find out what kind of a kid your mother was, and you get upset that she never told you some of these things that you wished she had shared. You plan on asking her some of these things, but wonder how you are going to phrase it so that it doesn't sound like you were snooping around in her past. Rory opens the photo album and a string of photo-booth pictures fall out. She looks at the pictures. It's her mom and her dad, kissing and smiling. On the back, circled with a heart, it says: "Chris and Lorelai '83." Rory sticks the pictures into her jacket as her pager goes off. She calls her house. It's Lane, who is standing in her kitchen. Lane immediately starts complaining that Rory is never around when she needs her. She's always at her grandparents' or she's at school or she's with CuteDean: "What good is it to have a best friend when she's never around and she never listens and she has no interest in the fact that you're in love or that you touched his hair..." "You touched whose hair?" Rory interrupts. "Rich. Blumenfeld?" Rory asks why Lane would touch Rich's hair. Lane says that's the question. She doesn't know why a sane person would touch a near-stranger's hair. She says she really needed somebody to talk to about this and Rory wasn't there. Rory tries to get her to calm down. Lane says that Rory has everything now and she has nothing, "except for two thousand Korean Bibles and a potential F in jazz band." Rory apologizes. Lane: "Don't be sorry. Be here." Suddenly the phones go dead and Rory and Lane get disconnected. Emily runs into the bedroom and says she needs Rory immediately. She says there's something wrong with the stove and that it keeps making noises. Rory says that's just the timer going off and that the pizza is ready. This doesn't calm Emily down at all. She tells Rory she can try Lane again later when the phones are working, but she needs to come downstairs immediately to help her stop the buzzing. Grandpa calls from somewhere deep in the bowels of the mansion that he needs the buzzing to stop. Rory follows Emily downstairs.
This is strange. But we switch to the "Black and White and Read" bookstore, where they are showing a movie tonight. We pan around the inside of the bookstore, where people are trying to watch the movie, but Lorelai and Mustang Max are sitting right in the middle with their food all over the place, talking quite loudly about the Fiesta Burger and all sorts of things. It's really quite rude, but since Stars Hollow is only full of the nicest people in the universe, they aren't complaining. Even though they have to sit along the sides of the bookshelves and crane their necks to see the old movie. Lorelai keeps asking Max if he's scared because of the movie yet until he tells her that she's really quite annoying in movies. She says she knows she is. Great. Then DON'T GO TO THEM. Man, talk about ruining it for everyone. I'd kill her. She says she thinks it's very important that he knows all of her flaws as well as her good points this early on. Heh. He says if she didn't do that then he could get carried away in all of her attributes and find himself thinking, "My God. This woman is absolutely perfect." They kiss as we fade to commercial.
It's cold in Stars Hollow and they have to wear hats all of the time. That's the only explanation I can come up with for the bad hair and generally scrubby appearance of all of the characters on this show. Mustang Max -- buy some gel. It won't kill you. Tame that poufy back part of your head.
I love this halfway recap thing that they do. I really do wish it said, "In case you're still holding onto Friends..."
Rory, Emily, and Grandpa are at the big table with the frozen pizza. Grandpa and Emily look frightened. Rory says that they should eat it before it gets cold. Emily burns her mouth on a slice. Grandpa says it's quite tasty. He cuts off another piece with his knife and fork and says they should have it more often. He says he'd like this instead of "that salmon that keeps showing up." Emily insists that the salmon is a "fine delicacy." Rory tells Emily to try the pizza again. She politely declines. Rory walks over to Emily's plate and says that it's much better with some grated cheese on it. She says that's how Lorelai makes it. She grates the cheese and talks about how Lorelai is skilled in making frozen pizza taste good. She asks Emily to try the pizza again: "If you wanna get really crazy, you can pick it up." Emily gets a "wild" face on and picks up the pizza and takes a bite. She says it's wonderful. She walks over to Grandpa's side of the table and tells him he has to try it with the grated cheese. She grates some cheese for Grandpa. I'm really loving this scene, people. Rory gets up and runs from the table, saying she'll be right back.
Rory runs into Lorelai's room, picks up the photo album, and runs back out.
Rory brings the album to Emily and Grandpa. Emily says she hasn't seen that album in years. They both clear their spaces to look at the book with her, and start talking about the people in the pictures. There are baby pictures of Lorelai. They find pictures of Hopey, Emily's younger sister who lives in Paris; impulsively, they decide to take a trip to see her this year, and invite Rory to come along. There's Emily and Grandpa's wedding picture. Emily says that the dress is packed upstairs somewhere, and that Rory can wear it at her wedding if she wants to. Grandpa huffs that it's a bit too soon to plan Rory's wedding, but Emily says that every girl starts planning her wedding when she's young. Emily says she'd known what kind of flowers she wanted since she was twelve. "You also knew that you wanted to marry Errol Flynn," Grandpa quips. "Grandma had a thing for the pirate guy?" Rory laughs. "I did not have a thing for the pirate guy," Emily says. "She was mad about him!" Grandpa insists. "She even tried to get me to grow one of those little moustaches." Emily asks him to stop. "She wanted me to swing from a chandelier." Emily smiles, "Oh, now you're just being silly." He says it's a good thing he was on the fencing team in college, or he would have married Lucinda Lester by now. Emily says that Lucinda Lester looked a lot like Errol Flynn. Grandpa laughs and mimes a thin moustache on his face. Hee. "I should have married her. It would have been very modern of me," Emily says, sipping more wine. I'm so in love with these people. Rory finds a debutante picture of Lorelai. She starts asking about it, but Emily and Grandpa get very tight-lipped and exchange glances. Grandpa asks who wants coffee. Emily explains that the picture is Lorelai's debutante gown for her coming-out party. Rory smiles and says, "Mom had a coming-out party?" Grandpa says softly, "No. She didn't." It's quiet for a while until Rory says, "Oh." Emily closes the book and says that things happen and Grandpa excuses himself from the table. Emily leaves to get the coffee. Rory sits down and quietly looks through the book.
Luke watches through the diner window at the re-enactors in the snow. Oh, right. This subplot. He brings out a tray full of coffee to the standing men, and offers coffee to the mayor, who politely declines. Luke says that the mayor is freezing, and that he should take the coffee. The mayor says their forefathers didn't have any coffee. Luke asks how he knows that. The mayor says that this is all still a joke to Luke, and that he doesn't choose to be a joke. Luke politely asks him to take the coffee. "My father would have taken the coffee," he adds. The mayor thanks him and takes the coffee. One man takes the coffee and thanks Luke. The asks if he can have herbal tea with lemon instead. Another says he'd prefer cocoa. "Ooh, that sounds good. Cocoa for me, too," says another. Luke starts repeating their orders, but stops when he hears the sound of Lorelai's magical voice. He watches her and Mustang Max walk through the snow, flirting soundly. He sees them kiss. Luke looks hurt.
Lorelai walks Mustang Max up to her house. "It's nice," he says, like he wasn't there a few weeks ago during the Cinnamon fiasco. "Good porch," he says. "Nice windows." Oh, God, shut up, Mustang Max. Clearly she already likes you. Just stop with the over-complimenting. "Front door!" Shut up! Shut up! "Which opens, I assume." Man! He asks Lorelai if something's wrong. She says that it isn't but that she's never had a man over. Like, ever. She's dated, and she's been with men, and been with men, but never at her house, where she lives with Rory. She wants Rory to feel settled and like her life isn't just going to change all of the time. Mustang Max says he understands, and asks if he could just come in for a cup of coffee and that's it. Right. Coffee. "Nothing weird or funny. Unless, of course, you're into weird and funny," he adds. He says he's been having a very good time and it's snowing and cold and Rory is out for the night. Lorelai says she knows. Mustang Max starts laying on the fate thing and how there's a reason they are both there tonight. He says he's just volunteering to be that guy that's worth opening that door for. Lorelai turns around to open the door, and I can't help noticing the look on Mustang Max's face that totally says, "Score. That fate shit works every time, dude. I'm so glad I was an English major. Honeys all over my wood." Lorelai turns around and asks if he'd like some coffee. Mustang Max somehow completely morphs his face into looking just like my friend Daniel and I half expect Mustang Max to say, "Right, right, right?" -- Daniel's constant form of "I'm listening." Fade to commercial as MM walks into Lorelai's house.
Lorelai asks Mustang Max how strong he likes his coffee, because she usually makes it too strong for people other than herself. He says he lived through the Fiesta Burger, so he should be fine with this, too. Max offers to help make the coffee, but instead traps her against the counter in his big aggressive arm-hold and Lorelai squirms around so that they can kiss. They keep kissing and start walking around. They lean against the hall and kiss. They walk backwards towards the stairs and kiss. They are standing at the bottom of the stairs kissing when Lane walks over. Mustang Max sees Lane and asks Lorelai how many kids she has. Lane apologizes and says she was just waiting for Rory. She runs back into Rory's room promising not to come back out. Lorelai turns back around and laughs. Music starts pouring from down the hall. "Oh," Lorelai says, petting Max. "That's The Cure. I have to go back in there." Hee. Mustang Max says he understands and he'll finish up the coffee. Ew. Lorelai says she'll hurry up.
Lane is in full angst on the bed, squinting into the pillow in the dark. Lorelai turns on the light and turns off the music. Lane apologizes. Lorelai says it's okay, but that Rory is stuck in Hartford tonight and won't be coming home. Lane says that she didn't know, and that she'll just go home. Lorelai says that she's not Rory, but that they use the same blow dryer, so Lane could talk to her if she wanted to. Lane says she did something really stupid. She explains the hair-touching. She says she didn't know why she did it. She says she can't ever go back to school: "I'll have to be home schooled. My mother finally gets her way." Lorelai says that Lane's got so many years of screw-ups ahead of her that this is really no big deal. "So not helping!" Lane says. Lorelai says that maybe Lane should be a hairdresser so that she has an excuse to touch nice hair. Lane smiles and asks what she's going to do now that everyone in school is going to be talking about what an idiot she is. Lorelai says that everyone does stupid things in high school. "Not like this!" Lane says. "No, some people get pregnant," Lorelai comments. This is like the bizarro Mary Green here, and I still don't like it. I don't enjoy the mother solving everyone's problems with the "at least you're not sixteen and pregnant" theory. Lorelai says she has a great life and an amazing kid through taking a detour. She asks if Rich's hair felt as good as she thought it would. "Better." Lorelai says that Lane will be fine. Lane asks who Max is. "Rory's teacher," says Lorelai. "Oh. He has nice hair!" says Lane. No, he doesn't, Lane. You're so young.
Mustang Max has made himself at home in the living room with coffee and something to read. Lorelai walks in and sits down. Max is all with the, "So, where were we?" Lorelai says that Lane is going to stay the night because she had a "bad teen day" and needs to "crash somewhere sympathetic." She says that if this wasn't a "major Judy Blume moment" she would have asked Lane to leave. Mustang Max asks where there's a hotel close by. Lorelai says he should just stay the night since everybody else is. She tells him that the couch is comfortable and that it's really bad outside. He says he will stay if it's not a problem. She says it isn't. He asks for a kiss goodnight. Lord, with the lechery. They kiss. Lorelai stands up and feels Mustang Max's hair. He gives her a strange look. Lorelai walks away with the open-mouthed "help me!" face.
Morning. Lorelai is in bed, wearing the Paul Frank monkey thermal top that I have been coveting. ["I have the pyjamas. They rock." -- Wing Chun] She hears the driver arrive with Rory, and gets out of bed. She puts on tennis shoes, grabs a coat and runs to meets Rory at the front door. She blurts out that there's a boy on the couch, but that nothing happened, and he just slept there. Rory walks into the house.
"My English teacher is on my couch!" Rory whispers angrily. Lorelai blames it on the snow: "You know how I get. It's like catnip!" Rory is clearly pissed and walks out of the living room.
Lorelai follows Rory into the kitchen and asks her how she feels. "I don't know," Rory says. Lorelai asks, "Take a guess. Angry? Frustrated? Nauseous?" "Weird," Rory says. She asks if he went to the bathroom: "I have stuff hanging in there!" Lorelai reminds Rory that she knew she was going to date him: "This wasn't a total surprise." Rory says that she didn't expect him to be sleeping in her house. Lorelai says she kind of broke the rules. Rory wonders why this is so weird for her. Rory asks whether she loves him. Lorelai says that they just had one date. She said she was going to keep all of these things separate from Rory and that this was a one-time thing and not a trend. Rory says that Lorelai can bring guys home and that if she likes someone she should be able to bring him home. She wants Lorelai to be happy: "Plus I know you're not a cat person, so you truly will be alone if you don't find someone." Lorelai says she doesn't want to bring somebody home unless she's sure he's "The Guy." She says that for right now, though, it's just her and Rory. Rory's bedroom door opens. "And sometimes Lane." Lorelai excuses herself from the room.
Rory tells Lane that the phones were off all night. She apologizes for being a bad friend. Lane says she just wigged out a little, and that Rory's got this great life going on right now and Lane doesn't really fit in. Rory says that Lane totally fits into her life: "I'm talking Legos." Rory says she'll be better from now on: "I promise. Twenty-four hours a day at your disposal." She says that Lane came before CuteDean. Lane smiles and says, "That's right. I got dibs." They hug. Man, I wish I had a best girlfriend in high school. I lost mine very early on. Lane says she has to go home. They make plans for coffee later.
Rory walks into the living room and sees Lorelai and Mustang Max giggling and having coffee on the couch. Rory walks away and pulls the pictures of Lorelai and Christopher out of her pocket. She sips her coffee, walks to the window, and sadly watches the snow. Fade to black.
Go, go, Gadget Pamiefingers! Two episodes of Gilmore Girls in two days? Happy holidays to all of us. Rory falls asleep at CuteDean's, which has happened to all of us, I'm sure. They're even calling it A Gilmore Girls' Christmas like it's a holiday event. Get your mistletoe ready. We may hit full-tilt cutesy. Oh, man. I just got another cavity.