No previously, as it really doesn't matter. There is no previously anymore. There is only this. The last episode. The final unaired episode of Get Real. In honor of the occasion, the Dueling Saint Clares have floated down from my television stand, and sit on either side of my iBook. They cannot slap each other from this distance, but I can hold each of their tiny hands as they begin to cry. Some of their purest joy in forcing me to watch horrible television is about to come to a close. They are sad. And because they are sad, I, too, am just a little sad. Because the three of us have bonded over this show. Sure, they abuse me, but I know they just do it because they love me. I can change them. They just do it for attention. Me and the Saint Clares, we're gonna be together forever. I'm gonna have Saint Clares's babies.
Meghan practices her valedictory speech while we see a close-up of Mitch about to have a CAT scan. Meghan's going on about how the Class of 2000 seemed so far away, but now it's really here.
Cut to the World's Largest Kitchen. As Meghan continues to try different speech approaches, Elizabeth cooks, Cameron "listens" and Kenny keeps quiet. Meghan throws down her pen, announces that she sounds "like a Hallmark card," and pouts.
Meghan's voice mercifully fades as there's another close-up on Mitch. The doctor asks if he's ready. "Let's do this," Mitch says. Meghan chirps in again as Mitch's testing begins. She goes on about "global warming, the high-tech explosion, machines replacing people." She stops to say, "Great. Now I sound like Angry Youth Girl."
Meghan throws her hands in the air. "There's no way I'm going to pull this off. I, I, I, I, I don't know what to say." Mary and Elizabeth tell Meghan that she'll be fine and that they are proud of her. Elizabeth says that Meghan could just go up there and "mumble the classifieds." There's an idea. I love how, even though this was a scene about Mitch's brain problem, we have to hear about Meghan's valedictory angst at the same time. Cameron tells Meghan that no one is even going to listen to her speech anyway, because they are all going to be "wiped out by Jodie's party." Slutgirl is giving the last hurrah. Meghan says there will be other people that didn't go to Slutgirl's party. Cameron says, "What, all two of them?" He pointedly looks at Kenny. "I know one of them." Oh, look how good Cameron is getting at math! "No names, please," Kenny whimpers. Um, hi. You're a freshman? Yeah. Be happy for the amount of parties your older siblings have gotten you into so far, okay? Cam says he's "kinda tight" with "the hostess" and that he'll put in a good word for him. "Yeah, was kinda tight," Kenny twirls his fork and says. "Ow!" Cam laughs. Diss.
Mitch walks into the kitchen buttoning his sleeve. I don't know why, but Mary's eyes roll completely around in her head as her neck jerks to the side. "Hello, Honey," she then says, but it sounds like, "Not dead yet?" She sits him down with coffee and orange juice and a huge breakfast. Mitch says the he's just going to the doctor to get a few test results. "Unless you know something I don't." Cam reminds Mitch with: "Not to be gross, Dad, but you had quite a little nosebleed number on Mom's nice placemats." Mary says she'd be happy to cancel her "catering engagement" to go with him. Wow. Not one day from being fired and she can just roll right back into her old job? These guys are in the mob. I'm sure of it. Mitch orders everyone to have a good weekend, because it's graduation and all. He puts a fork into the gigantic plate of French Toast and he demands that everyone stop stressing about his stress. "That goes for your mother, and your grandmother, too." Your mother, Mitch. The Green family is all smiles, because they have just been given permission to go back to caring fully about themselves, instead of anyone else. What a great Dad. Everyone stands up and wipes the shit-eating grins off their faces, kisses Mitch on the head and goes back to their own lives. Mitch says that it's worth going to the doctor just to get that kind of attention. Mitch, dude. Just buy a puppy. Mary gives a huge neck-cordian sigh and leans in towards Mitch across the table. Mitch laughs and says, "I know what that sigh means." So do we, Mitch. So do we. "The nest is getting lighter." Mitch asks if she's ready for "tomorrow night's anniversary." She says she's been ready for eighteen years. Damn, we missed Meghan's birthday. We also missed her anti-birthday, which changed her from eighteen to seventeen and back to eighteen again, so I'm sure she's not upset. Whatever, you know she's all pissed off at us for not getting her anything. "Can you believe we've never made it back to that place?" Mitch smiles as he holds Mary's hand. She giggles, but the tender moment is ruined by Elizabeth droning though her coffee cup, "Back where?" She's all sitting right between them thinking, "Whenever I leave you two alone for a second you're shooting out babies. I'm gonna sit right here and make sure you don't ruin another young human being's life." Mary says they're going to go back to "that dive where Mitch proposed." Elizabeth reminds Mitch that the ring cost twenty-five dollars. Mitch defends himself by saying he's replaced it since then. Mary laughs and says she still has that ring somewhere. "All these years and still in love," Elizabeth says, but not without a hint of sarcasm. Mitch and Mary release each other's hands and blush, as if Elizabeth caught Mitch's hand in Mary's crotch.
School Without Classes. Slutgirl is handing out invitations to her party. At least, I know that because of the extreme ten-second close-up of one hand holding a pass up to the camera. "Party Priority PASS," it says. "The Last Weekend." There are no directions, numbers, maps, dates, or times. But you know, the pass, dude. All that matters. Slutgirl is passing them around to each person she sees with a "one for you" and all. Not one of those milling students breaks the vow of silence to thank her. Must be a Green kid around. Oh, there's Kenny. Slutgirl gives Kenny the fake-out and walks right by him without handing him a pass. Kenny rolls around the "No Skateboarding" sign on the wall and says, "I knew it. Once again I'm celebrating Passover." Hey, no fair claiming yourself Jewish just 'cuz your dad's all sick, Ken. Slutgirl walks back to Kenny and stands beside another "No Skateboarding" sign and hands Kenny a pass. "Just to make you suffer," she smiles. Kenny exhales and looks across the hall. It's that chick Taylor from the last episode, making Mandatory Locker Check. You guys know her as Mila Kunis, on That 70s Show. I know her as the girl with very small clothes, no panty line, and a name that sounds like a disorder of my girlie parts. She wears a powder blue mini-thing with yellow polka-dots and stands to an extra wearing purple tie-die, and together they look like eggs waiting for the PAAS to dry. Kenny asks Slutgirl for an extra ticket for Taylor. She hands him one and declares it her "last good deed at Truman." She walks off. Kenny watches her leave and thinks, "Now I'm in love with her." Paas struggles with a book that she pulled out of her locker. "What the hell is this big heavy thing?" you can tell she's thinking. "I have, like, seven of these things, and I never needed one all year."
Pan down the school hall as a bell rings. It doesn't seem to change the amount of students silently milling around the hall. Cameron walks out of one of the classrooms holding a piece of paper. He's squinting as Pasty Stoned Kid walks out of the same classroom. If you can tell me why this scene needed to be shot from these kids' feet, please let me know. Cam and Pasty share a little hand-jam action as Pasty asks Cam if he flunked Sedgwick's class. But he asks out of the corner of his mouth, like he's not used to the term "cheating out" that actors do when they are performing at an angle. He moves his entire mouth to face the camera while his eyes look a different way. "Yeah, you too?" Cameron asks. "Among others! Hah-haaaaaaah!" I hate Pasty. He walks off as the sensitive music shows that Cam is not as pleased as Pasty with his grades. Where are the damn credits? Sedgwick walks out of the class. It's important to note that Sedgwick used to be the Vice Principal before Principal Foreshadowing took over. It was noted that there was too much sexual chemistry between Sedgwick and Cam. Oh, go ahead and put quotes around "sexual chemistry." I do. Anyway, I guess it's okay to be hot for teacher, but not hot for principal. Cam pouts by her as the sensitive oboe plays.
Meghan and Clay walk into the hall as Cam walks out. Still no classes. "So, what's happening with Semester Abroad?" Clay casually asks. Meghan keeps her arms crossed as she says she just got the plane tickets, and they just sent in the "non-refundable tuition fee." Nice addition of adjectives, Meghan. I guess they worked out that whole spending-Meghan's-college-fund-on-the-firehouse thing. Clay asks if it's "on." "So on!" Meghan laughs. "When do you leave?" "Uh...a week." Meghan bites her lip through her smile and looks at Clay like, "You aren't mad that I haven't told you, are you? You know I'm the cutest!" The sensitive music kicks into high-gear as Clay just has to reel from this life-changing news: "Meghan." "I know, I know. I didn't invent the program." See, this isn't Meghan's fault. She seems to have forgotten how when Clay mentioned that he might go to Boston in like six months she acted like he was the biggest asshole in the world for dumping her. She can just tra-la-la off and he's supposed to throw her a big party? Whatever. I hate Meghan. Clay asks if he's just not allowed to react to her news. "Of course you are," she says. "Oh, well, thank you." Meghan says she's been reminding him that she was going but that he wasn't listening. Right. Last week you decided, right girlie? Clay says he thinks she's going to "get on that plane and never look back." Meghan asks if they can "not do this, please." She says they don't have much time left, "and I really don't want to spend all of it amping into a fight." Amping? Lord. She grabs Clay's hand. "Let's just live each moment, really live it and never give it back." I keep waiting for her to break into song, but she doesn't. The music is loud enough that you'd think she would. She looks off in the distance for a moment and then pulls off her backpack. "What are you doing?" Clay asks. "I'm sorry, that was just a really great line for my speech," she smiles. Bitch. Saint Clare #1 asks if she can date Clay when Meghan is gone. I tell her she can do anything she puts her little mind to if she just holds onto her dreams and sets her goal on the future. She tells me to shut up. I tell her that she could have made Meghan shut up before she delivered the last two lines, but she didn't. We decide to call things even.
Rows of brain charts in a doctor's office. The doctor tells Mitch that his CAT scan was negative. Mitch says that's good news. "Not entirely." He says he thought he'd have swollen sinuses, but he didn't find anything. His blood work, however, is disturbing. White blood cell and platelet count is elevated. "Translation?" "Something is going on inside your body." We watch Mitch get into the slowest elevator in the land as we hear the doctor ask to run an MRI the following Monday. "Sounds serious." "I'm not going to kid you, Mitch. It could be. But let's hope it's not." They set up the appointment as the elevator doors close. Finally, we get the opening credits.
World's Largest Kitchen. Mitch speaks to his "family." "Doctor said, and I quote, 'It is nothing.'" "Nothing?" Mary asks with complete distrust. "Nothing." Mary recaps the events of the following episode. Mitch says that it's some sort of sinus problem. "If anything, I have an extremely serious case of my family worrying too much." Not really, Mitch. Mitch tells everyone to enjoy this important weekend and to get out of there. They all waddle up and give him congrats, and then leave. All except for Mary. D'oh! She's all, "Is there something you want to tell me?" Mitch smirks that he can never keep a secret from her, and tells her that they don't know what's wrong with him yet. "Bad blood." He tells her about the MRI. He says he shouldn't have said anything to her and just wants her to celebrate. She's all, "Oh, yeah. Pass the champagne." He says this is why he didn't want to tell her because she's going to just "hold on" to it and worry. Hey, Mitch? She's a Green. It's her job. She must be consumed by worry and guilt and if she can somehow be responsible for your bad blood? That's fucking gravy, man. Mary makes them make a promise to "take a vacation from the worrying" that weekend. "Oh, God," I moan. But Mitch ain't through with me yet. He tells Mary that he'll agree to take the vacation if she agrees to something: "Don't cry too hard when you can't hold your baby in your arms any more." Oh, Lord. Who writes this stuff? Really. Somehow the Center of the Universe II makes another possible discussion about Mitch's brain problem all about her leaving again. Mitch and Mary smile at each other as Mary sits in his lap. "As long as I can hold you instead," she says. The dueling Saint Clares look up at me in unison. Blood is pouring from their eyes. Their head spin around and they shoot up into the air, smack into the blades of my ceiling fan, fling across the room and into the waiting paws of my two cats. They both lick the blood off hungrily, and I have to get a water gun to shoo them away. I grab the two Saint Clares, tape their eyes open and strap them to the sides of my iBook. "You ain't getting away that easily, Missies," I growl. "I shall grant you three wishes!" one of them tries. "Whatever, bitch. You could have offered them back in December when I still had some sanity and dignity left. Instead I'm going through the second brain tumor in two FOX shows in one month, and if I see another person end up in a hospital I'm going to seriously lose it. I will freak out like you've never seen someone freak out before. I will lose all sense of reality. Kenny, Mary, Cameron, Elizabeth, Elizabeth's boyfriend, Mitch -- all in the hospital. Otherwise they get sick like Ferret, or just die like Mitch's 'best friend.' What is with this family? How are they insured? No one has a job. You just sit here and contemplate COBRA costs for this family, okay?"
The dueling Saint Clares give me dueling middle fingers. They force my Diet Coke to fling into the air and onto my carpet. They sneer, and I think they call me a "Wing Chun wannabe." That's low, man. Low.
Track Field Without Classes. Boys are doing hurdles and athletic-y things. Good thing they don't let any girls do sports at Truman. Meghan might get upset if someone ended up better than her at something. Clay gets into his place at the starting line of the track. Slutgirl and Meghan sit at the bleachers smiling. Oh, thank God we don't have to worry about Ferret anymore. H-I-what? The whistle sounds, and Clay takes off. He totally takes off before anyone else, but no one cancels the race. As Slutgirl and Meghan cheer Clay on, we pan up to Kenny walking up to Paas. Pass and a friend watch the race...practice...fuck if I know what's going on. It doesn't involve learnin', that's all I know. It takes way too long for Kenny to just ask Paas to go to Slutgirl's party. She eventually says yes. Kenny stammers around about how this is actually going to be a date that the two of them are on, like a real date-date, date-thing. With dates. And dating. He says that it's "cool." He turns to go and we see he's wearing GIANT YELLOW PANTS. He turns back around and points at Paas. "Real cool." Not on those pants, Mister. As Kenny walks off Paas tries to reason with her friend. "He's kinda cute?" she asks her. Her friend moves her mouth, but there's obviously someone else's voice all dubbed in to say that Paas is only going with Kenny to crash Slutgirl's party and use Kenny to make "Billy" jealous. "And the problem with that would be...?" Paas asks. Giggles galore.
Kids. Stay in school. Learn how to finish sentences. Please. I beg of you.
Giant Yellow Pants joins the rest of the Greens Only Bleachers and gives Cam a high-five. There are only like, fifteen people on the entire set of bleachers, so this must not be a real meet. Just practice. Oh, like it matters. You don't care. I don't care. There is much cheering from Meghan and Slutgirl as Clay joins another starting line and prepares to race again. I wonder how much of a head-start they'll let him get away with this time. There is a close-up on Clay smiling, and then a close-up on Meghan smiling, so this must signal the terrible thing that will test their love. Clay runs for about three seconds, and then in slow motion we hear him shout, "Ah!" and go tumbling down. Slow-motion reaction from the bleachers. Slow-motion Clay spin. He moans like a girl and holds his knee. Meghan looks at Clay and thinks, "I did not authorize this, but dammit, I am so stoked that I've got another crisis to add to my valedictory address!" Slow-motion run towards Clay as Kenny's pants hit a wind current and he begins to float upward. The other runners see Kenny and think a flag has been thrown and stop running. As we see Clay writhing in pain all we hear is Meghan over and over again, "Clay? Are you all right? Clay? Clay? Clay?" Close-ups on Clay gasping for breath while holding his knee. Meghan keeps on nagging. Meghan gets all up in Clay's face demanding to know what's going on. Fade to white.
Fade up on more x-rays. Hospital. Dueling Saint Clare Number Two looks up at me. "Go for it," she hisses. I, having made the promise, must then go ape-shit. I tear down my curtains, first, and burn them. I stand outside completely naked and shout, "I am nothing compared to the beauty and the brilliant honesty of the Green family!" I invite my downstairs neighbors to throw Ricky Martin CD's at my naked backside. Someone steals all of my beer. I denounce pillows and declare them evil creatures from Brazil. I knight one cat, and I marry the other one. I name one of my feet "Larry" and the other foot I encase in fourteen-karat gold. I decide to only eat Hot Tamales for the rest of my life, and enjoy the pain of the open sores on my tongue from the spicy goodness. I leave all of my belongings to my online persona. Still naked, I re-enact Kerri Strug's brave final Olympic vault over my armchair. I order pizza just to have the delivery guy carry me around like Bela Karolyi. He tapes my ankle in breadsticks, and I soak my foot in Ranch dressing. When I ask him to lick it off, he has the audacity to call me the freak, and leaves. The dueling Saint Clares say that I have sufficiently pleased them, and that I can go back to the recap. I give the proper suck-up responses, and go back to my only choice. The remaining forty minutes of this episode.
The doctor and Meghan stop looking at the knee x-rays long enough to exchange a look. The doctor looks over at Clay and announces that he's going to give the two of them "a minute." Now, I understand that Clay's mom is in a wheelchair and all, but shouldn't she be at the hospital? Couldn't Meghan have gone to get her or something? Oh, then it wouldn't be all about her. Sorry. How silly of me. Clay tries to talk but Meghan interrupts him to say that they can "get through this." Clay reminds her that you don't just "get through" a "blown ACL." Meghan tries to say more things but Clay finally interrupts her to say, "I know you want to say all the right things, and I love you for that [cue the "I love you" sensitive music], but my scholarship's as torn up as my knee is." Meghan looks down, thinks, "I will not have him just interrupt me," and starts to say, "Clay, we can--" "No, Meghan," Clay shuts her up. (Whee!) "Not 'we.' Me!" Oh, that's so lame. Whatever. At least she's not talking right now. "I'm not as smart as you," Clay says. Oh, Clay. Obviously not. She's still in the room. He says he can't afford a four-year school so it's anchors aweigh for Meghan, "and junior college for me. That's what I get for dreamin'." How lame. Some seriously lame writin' here, people. Really. "That's what I get for dreamin'?" Come ON. Meghan pouts and lowers her head onto Clay's shoulder. As she tucks her hair, Clay rolls his eyes. I hope that knee knocked some sense into him. Fade to white.
The telephone rings. From somewhere in the depths of the World's Largest Kitchen, the doctor's office leaves a message confirming Mitch's MRI on Monday. Mitch dives for the phone and says he'll be there. They make chit-chat about everything being fine. Meghan walks in and asks where Mary is. He tells her upstairs. The assistant tells Mitch not to worry, and that his doctor is the best. Mitch hangs up the phone and looks distant.
Meghan meets Mary at the bottom of the giant staircase. She asks Mary if she heard what happened to Clay. I don't understand how Mary's all, "I heard," and that Clay and Meghan were the only people at the hospital. Where did Mary hear about it? Oh, forget it. I'm not even bothering anymore. Meghan tells Mary that she's thinking of staying home now "because of Clay." Right. Because of Clay. That's good. Gooood. Lots of martyr points there, Meg. Meghan tells Mary that Clay's the type of guy "that doesn't have the easiest time opening up." She says that this sort of accident is just going to make him clam up completely and she doesn't want him to do that. She says that "he's gonna need me to help pull him out." Mary asks if Meghan is going to "turn [her] whole future upside-down for him." Meghan tearfully asks what she should do. Mary tells her that Clay is going through a lot right now, and that everyone should just take a deep breath and settle down for a few minutes before any decisions are made. That's right, Meghan. Don't forget to breathe. She then tells Meghan to "make one of the hardest decisions you'll ever have to make." That's not really advice as much as it is seeing the future, but again, I said I wasn't going to argue with logic or plot or whatever. "And I will support you," Mary finishes, with a self-satisfied pat on Meghan's head. Meghan is very pouty as we fade to black.
School Without Classes. We have the spinny overhead cam as Cam makes Mandatory Locker Check. He grabs his skateboard and spots Pasty making his own Mandatory Locker Check. Pasty is just tossing things over his shoulder onto the school hallway floor. Cam walks up to him and asks if he'll help contest Sedgwick's grade. He says that if they both go, she might know that they care. Pasty grabs his board and says, "There's just one problem, Cam. I don't care. Ahhhh-haaaaaah!" Dude, he is so totally radical that I almost forgot to hurl, dude. Pasty walks away and from the shot of his back, it is painfully obvious that this dude has never completed an ollie in his friggin' life. Cam completes the cool-locker-slam-with-his-board and walks away.
GIANT YELLOW PANTS ALERT. Kenny is running down the Green's only staircase. I now have no idea what day it is. Did Meghan just get to go home for the rest of the day because Clay got hurt? How is she valedictorian again? What? Who? Where are my pants? Kenny spots the Paas girls leaning against pillars. He walks up to Paas. He babbles for a while asking what time to pick her up for the Capital D Date. She's all, "Later, later, later, how 'bout nine-thirty?" He asks if she'd like to go talk. "Talk?" "Yeah, you know, talk. What people used to do before e-mail." He'll be here all week, people. Please tip your waitress and bartender on your way out. Paas says that she hasn't seen her friends all day and that she's hanging with them. Kenny announces that they will talk at the party. He keeps doing this finger-pointing thing that is just weird. Paas, by the way, was all, "How could you think I was stupid just because I'm popular," last episode and is now all, "You're the king of the dweebs." As Kenny walks off, Paas twirls her head around in extreme angst, leans back against the pillar and says to her friends, "Highlight of his life." She then gives the dweeb-look over in Kenny's direction, but it's hard to notice over the purple eye-shadow. Whatever, she's right. It is the highlight of his life. What's a Rebecca?
Cameron, breaking all rules or morals about student-teacher relationships, is now walking up to Sedgwick's front door. I love how the Greens can do anything at any time. What time is it? Are both Cam and Sedgwick cutting class right now? What the hell? Cam touches his butt and knocks on the door. I don't know, he does. I'm just recappin'. I'd be on the phone with the cops, but this chick clearly has the hots for Cam, so she opens the door. He starts with the excuses about how he's not an F student, and he wants the grade changed. Sedgwick says that summer school isn't a death sentence. He says that he's not a burnout and that he's a "pillar of care." She says that it's not going to keep him from the beach or the girls and that he just needs a little extra attention. Bow-chicka-bow-bow-bah-nuh-nah. He's all talking about how after he got his expulsion dismissed he promised Principal Foreshadowing that he'd turn around and he was so busy catching up on his missed schoolwork that he didn't have time to "read" all her "books." Sedgwick asks why her class couldn't be as important as his others. Dude. Go stand in the rain. I'm sure it'll work again. Try naked this time. Don't bother with the readin'. Cam does that weird thing where he pulls his upper lip up to his nose and his nostrils meet his ear holes as he says, "This means nothing to you and everything to me." She counters with the fact that if it didn't mean anything to her, she wouldn't bother teaching summer school. Someone cut her bangs with a straight razor. Like she tried for a cross between Ellen and Anne but ended up with Calista. She can't resist his boyish charms, though, and asks what he's doing Saturday night. Bow-chicka-bow-bow-bah-nuh-nah. He's all, "Only going to the most important party ever in like forever." He doesn't say that, but you couldn't tell, so just pretend. It's just as good as what he said. She tells him to be at her house at eight. Bow-chicka-bow-bow-bah-nuh-nah. She gives him a pointed pen like he's a bad dog and says, "Reserve several hours." Bow-chicka-bow-bow-bah-nuh-nah! He asks if she really wants him to miss the party. "Are you committed to this or not?" Oh, yeah, baby. Cameron looks down and away and wonders what "comm-iii-ted" means.
Mitch is making a videotape of himself discussing how he's kinda sick and how he loves everyone. He talks about how he can't sleep at night often, so he lurks around the house and watches them sleep. "I so...enjoy all of you." The scene is almost as creepy as it sounds, really. No, Jon is actually a pretty good actor, so this scene isn't as bad as it could have been. But the whole "I prowl the house at night. And I stand in the doorways of your rooms" thing creeps me out. Just when he's trying to get all emotional, though, Mary busts in with the, "You're not gonna die! Say the fucking words!" stronghold. She says something about him thinking she comes from a "woo-woo place." I don't have any idea what that means. She says she wants to hold him and love him and keep him safe. "And let me grow old with you." They make out on video. Dude, that tape could set a Green kid back about fifteen years of therapy. Mary wears a lot of makeup to bed.
Track boys running. Clay watches from the bleachers with his leg brace and crutch. Uh, Clay? You're gonna need two crutches with a blown ACL. And right now you should be on major pain pills. Meghan interrupts Clay's quiet time with, "They look lost without you." "Yeah, right," Clay echoes our thoughts. Meghan says that the coach is talking about packing up the last meet if Clay's not going to run. I bet all the other track kids hate them some Clay. "He also said that with some time and some pretty intensive rehab you could--" "I could what, Meghan?" This kicks off the Afterschool Special monologue piano as Clay begins his heartfelt message: "Look. I'm sorry, but I'm in no better place to be cheered up than I was last time. So can we just not talk about this now?" Meghan says, "Sure." But she follows it up with, "But I just kinda think you need to talk about it, you know?" Of course she does. She says she'd like to know what's going on inside his head. Oh, here we go. "You wanna know what's going on inside my head? Here's what's going on inside my head. Jaws of Life. The car accident? The sound of metal being ripped up by some machine and I wake up and look over and I only see the top half of my mom because the rest of her is crushed beneath the dashboard and the floor? She's been in a wheelchair ever since. And me, I rehab myself like a lunatic, every day for three years. And I go from almost never walking again, to a track scholarship. And here I am again. Rehab. Only this time they say that if I work really, really hard the best I can hope for is eighty percent. So that's what's going on inside my head, Meghan. Just 'cuz you wanted to know." I wish I weren't giggling through that entire thing. Meghan must have been trying not to as well, because she just has to look down and come up with the correct martyr phrase. "I'm not gonna let you do it alone." Of course she's not. Clay tells her that she's being stupid, and that she shouldn't give up her future to sit beside him. He reminds her that he was going first, and her opportunity doesn't just come up every day. It does for the Greens, but whatever. He says that if she stayed he'd never forgive himself for holding her back from her future. Meghan grunts and says, "God, this is so weird." Oh, man. Her ability to put words to emotions is so, like, cool. "Everyone's pushing me away and all I want to do is stay." Yes, Meghan. Everyone is pushing you away. EVERYONE. Go. Go fast. Go now. Go. Go. Go.
Shot of the giant staircase as we hear Meghan call Clay's answering machine. She's inviting him to Slutgirl's party. She says she thinks it'd be good for him to get out and have fun. Right. Meghan obviously has no clue how much a blown ACL friggin' hurts. He needs rest, girl. And ice. Elevation. No movement. Not a bootyshake. Lord. Fix him some Jiffy Pop, rent Fight Club and skip one party, you selfish, selfish brat. Mary is terribly disappointed in Meghan calling some boy on the weekend that she should be celebrating herself. Mary walks off as Meghan gets off the phone.
Testosterone Guitar. Clay is still sitting on the bleachers. "Clay?" "Look, Meghan..." "No, it's not Meghan." Using the Green Powers of Teleportation, Mary is now suddenly beside Clay on the bleachers. "I hope you don't mind me sneaking up on you like this," Mary says, like it matters. Clay asks if Meghan sent him. She says that Meghan doesn't know she's there. She asks if this is a violation of a "mother-daughter code." "It depends." "On what?" "On what you're going to say." Oh, these bleachers just keep setting off long monologues. This one's from Mary: "When I was a senior, way back when, I was set on going to Georgetown. Mitch: Cornell school of Architecture. Every part of us intent on going." As we listen to the endless monologue, we see Mary going through a box in her room. I don't know. She's going through the box and pulling things out. "And life just happened to us in a big way. Well, we decided not to go to college. Mom's full time job became part-time so she could help us. Dad's precious game room became a nursery, and at the time, it seemed like the worst, most out-of-control thing that could ever have happened. And then this...little peanut of a baby was born." "You're talkin' about Meghan." Clay asks. Maybe he is on pain medication. "I'm talking about Meghan." She's a bad motha-- "It was just love at first sight." "Tell me about it." Bedroom Mary is now putting on the twenty-five dollar ring that she pulled from the box. She looks wistfully away and clasps her hands over her heart. Oh, God. That sounds like a line I just pulled from a romance novel. All of this does. I'm stuck in a romance novel. Atraju! Call my name! "I didn't know it at the time, but Meghan was the best thing that could happen to all of us, Mitch met a partner here and his business took off. Mom and I bonded over raising Meghan, and Dad, well, you couldn't pry him away from her." Clay interrupts to say, "Respectfully, Mrs. Green..." Mary looks at him like, "What's 'respectfully' mean?" "...my knee is not Meghan." Mary tells Clay that he has to believe that everything happens for a reason. Bedroom Mary is clutching her hand wearing the cheap ring. Mary says that this might get him closer to his (very invisible) mom and he might meet someone at a job that might change his life forever. Clay says that maybe he's supposed to be the guy "that had a lot of potential." Oh, man. It's contagious, this martyrdom. Save yourselves. Mary says these sage words: "I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I'm testimony to letting nature take its course." Kids. Parents. Everyone. Destroy nature. Now. Destroy it before it's too late. Destroy! Kill! Kill nature! It is an enemy that must be stopped! Clay says that Meghan leaving has a lot to do with him being so "disconnected." "Tell me about it," Mary says.
Bedroom Wistful Mary hears a noise outside her window. She sees Mitch cleaning a grill. She watches him, and holds her ringed hand up to the glass and presses on it, with a wee smile and a glint in her eye. The oboe comes to an orgasm as we fade to white and black.
The Saint Clares are completely asleep. Shh. They're angels when they're sleeping.
Slutgirl's party. No one is drinking, the lights are red, the music is predictable, and people are wearing cowboy hats. That's a fucking party, my friends. Meghan and Slutgirl hug, and Meghan asks her where Clay is. Slutgirl tells her to check the "no-dancing zone." First of all, she didn't go there with Clay? God, that girl is obnoxious. Second, Clay has to get there all by himself? In his own spotlight, sitting on a chair in complete depression, is Clay. Meghan takes a deep breath, and wonders if this is really love, some depressed guy who can't dance on the most important night of her life. HER life. Not his. HERS. Some guy walks by wearing a three-piece suit. Clay is checking a Magic 8 Ball. "Outlook not good," I'm sure it says, because Meghan then grabs his hand and pulls him to his feet. What an asshole. She nods at him for some reason. Slutgirl walks up and asks where Cameron is.
Young teacher. The subject. A schoolboy fantasy. He compliments her house and says it makes you want to skip a party and "snuggle up with a good book." "Wish granted," she says. Oh my God, y'all. She hands him The Outsiders. Now, I am not saying that S.E. Hinton's masterpiece shouldn't be read by everyone, but I read this book when I was eight. And I had read it nine times before I even got to junior high. Homeboy's all seventeen and has the audacity to say it's a big book. "Two hundred pages!" It's not a big book. I cringe, thinking I'm going to have to hear Cam slaughter Ponyboy's first words ("When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house I had two things on my mind. Paul Newman and a ride home.") Luckily, he's not that good of a reader, and reads it to himself.
Back at the party, Paas sees her ex-boyfriend and asks Kenny to stand closer to her, put his arm around her, and then face out towards the old boyfriend. Kenny finally catches on just as old boy asks Paas to come join him. Kenny is outraged when Paas starts to walk off. She's all, "Please don't get mad." "Okay, here's a way I won't. Don't go over there." "Kenny, please understand," she pleads. She skips into old boy's arms and holds his hand as Kenny dejectedly sits down.
Clay tells Meghan that if she stays he'd feel like he was keeping her from her dream. Meghan asks why he has a total sense of calm now. He tells her to ask her mom. Meghan's all, "You talked to my mom?" Clay tells her that her mom is "pretty amazing." Meghan says she knows that, but she wishes he had found out under better circumstances. Meghan then asks if he'll go to her house with her so she can get a sweater. Girlie, his KNEE is BLOWN. Don't make him walk to your house for a sweater! Borrow one of Slutgirl's or suck it up, or -- here's a concept -- go get it yourself. Then I thought maybe that was code for going for sweet lovin', but it really isn't. Bitch just wants a sweater.
Mary and Mitch have driven to their "dive" and have discovered that the restaurant is now closed. Mary says they should appreciate things while they are still there. She leans into Mitch and shows him the ring. Careful, kids. Remember what happened the last time you two were in the front seat of the car by yourselves. Mary gets on her knees in the front seat of the car (I could comment here how she had absolutely no problem doing that, but I won't). She then announces that she's going to propose to Mitch, because she still remembers every single word he said to her. I'm sure you do, too. "I may never have enough money to buy you a better ring, but if love, honor and loyalty were money, I would make you rich beyond your wildest dreams." Mitch says he was pretty good. Mary asks him to grow old with her. He says he's trying to. They kiss and hug.
Cameron is reading. I can't believe I typed that sentence. "After eleven, Cam," Sedgwick says. "I feel like I just sat down," he says. "Always remember your first," she smiles. Bow-chicka-buh-bah-nuh-nah-nuh. She asks for a synopsis. "Oh, it's fly." Okay, hold up. No. No. You do not call one of my favorite books of all time "fly." Shut. Up. Cameron. Dammit. Cameron explains the Greasers and the Socs. That's about it. Skips Cherry Valance and Johnny killing the Soc and all of that. He says that he's at the part where "Johnnycake runs into the church to save those kids." He asks her to tell him that nothing bad is going to happen to him. She tells him that there's only one way to find out. Bow-chicka- oh, forget it. I'm bored with that joke. He asks if she's thinking about passing him because he showed up. She asks if he thinks he's being "a little bit presumptuous." He nods. She says she knows she's breaking every rule of ethics in the teacher handbook, but somehow she feels he's earned it. She gives him a D. He stands up, and you can tell in Sedgwick's eyes that she thinks he's about to pounce her and give her the LD, but he just runs past her saying, "I'll give this back to you." She leans back in her outfit from If These Walls Could Talk 2 and sighs.
Overhead shot of Cam's Jeep. At a red light, Pasty and his boys pull up. Pasty raises a fist in the air, shouts, "Party! Woo-hoo-hoo!" Jiggles his crotch and then they run the red light. As the fading "Party, baby!" is heard, Cameron mouth-breathes all over his toothpick. He drives back to Sedgwick's house and says he wants his "F" back. He asks if the other books are as good as The Outsiders. "I saw my future and it wasn't pretty. I don't want to be the guy that settles for d's anymore." Sedgwick looks at him. "Well, you know, Truman gets pretty hot in the summer." "Somehow I don't think I"ll notice the heat." ...Oh, all right. Bow-chicka-bow-bah-nuh-nah-nuh!
Meghan checks the answering machine and hears Mitch talking to the doctor's assistant from earlier. She's speechless. Thank the Gods. Fade to black.
As the Bloodhound Gang's "The Bad Touch," plays in the background, Meghan makes a beeline to ruin the party for the rest of her siblings. Cam shows up at the party and announces that he was reading. They all aren't as shocked as they should be. Meghan asks if they knew that Mitch has an MRI on Monday. They are shocked. They all decide to go home, because what's the use in partying anymore if their father has a test on Monday.
Kenny asks them to wait a minute so he can "take care of something." The Bloodhound Gang gets a little louder as Kenny walks over to Paas and asks her if she's ready. "For what?" she asks. "When I take a girl to a party, I take her home." Paas smiles sweetly and says, "That's really sweet of you Kenny, but I'm not ready to go home." Kenny asks why and old boy tells Kenny that he's been dumped. Kenny asks Paas if this is true. She says that the two of them are just different people. Oh, man. Here we go. The following isn't pretty. Kenny busts out with a monologue not unlike Chet and Wyatt arguing with the thugs that disturb their party in Weird Science. "That's it. That's the reason you break up with me. Out of all the possible excuses to blow me off this is the one you chose? Unbelievable." He turns to the rest of the party. "Did you, did you hear that? Did you, did all of you realize that Taylor and I are two different people? Anybody?" Taylor tries to calm him down, but the kid's on a roll. Live it up, Kenny, it's your final moment. "I mean you got to admit that's a pretty lame excuse. I mean, you've heard better right? Come on, come on, because, because just of the top of my head I can come up with far more interesting ways to blow somebody off." Paas is obediently quiet. Her old boy/new boy is suddenly distant. "For instance, uh, well, um: 'You know what, Kenny? I met someone who's not you.'" Kenny stands in the center of the room in his own spotlight for some reason. Like he's headlining. The crowd is eating this up. Just laughing at Little Miss Popular like they aren't all going to fuck her their Junior year. Someone turned off the Bloodhound Gang before he mentioned "doggie style." Kenny ain't finished, though. "Or, or, 'If I'm nice to you, gah, what would the rest of my cult say'?" The crowd acknowledges Kenny's killer dis. "Wait how 'bout, 'Sorry Kenny, I already have a favorite charity.' Or, uh, wait, here's one that would sting. 'I really like you, but could you do me a favor, and give me a call when they find a cure for your haircut?'" The crowd laughs again. I can't believe I'm watching this show still. "Or uh, here's the crowd favorite. 'Kenny, when you said you'd help me with my homework, God, I didn't realize that I'd actually have to be there.'" He shoots, he scores, people! Give this kid a cigar! Oh, damn. He's not done. "Here's the best one." Everyone gets all quiet. "'Because, uh, well, because it's true.'" Cam and Meghan stop laughing long enough to notice that Kenny's gonna get all deep. "'Kenny, I was only dating you to make my boyfriend jealous.'" The crowd acts like Paas' upper lip just fell into her Tang. Kenny tells Paas that she's right, that they are two different people. Thunderous applause. The Bloodhoung Gang starts back up. High-fives. Cam is proud. "Contratulations, Playa, you've just graduated." I am nauseous and want to watch Can't Buy Me Love. Everyone goes back to just dancing, so she's fine.
Mary brings Mitch a plate of such greasy foods that I'm starting to worry about his blood. She says she can bring the dive to him if they are just going to close their special place. There's a fire going again. What month is this? Why is there always a fire? He tires to feed her a French Fry, but she pushes it away and goes for the greasy kiss instead. They make out on the couch. Cue the kids. Instead of leaving, they all stare and smile. "Is this a bad time?" Cameron asks. Oh, Cam. How I'll miss nothing about you.
The Greens all sit around the table, eating the food that was for just Mitch and Mary, and Cam tells a story about getting Kenny in trouble for eating some cake when they were kids, and how Mary never knew it was Cam who'd eaten the cake the entire time. Oh, the fun! There's a part where Cam re-enacts how the cake called his name, pointed some alien fingers and licked its lips. I'll spare you because I love you that much. Kenny says that he got in so much trouble for the cake that Mary called him "a great disappointment to the family." Wow. There's your first candidate for Mother of the Year. Meghan is playing with that remote control thing that I never figured out the entire season. Last I could figure it made the table move away in anger. Kenny ruins the joyous moment by asking Mitch if he's sick. They tell Mitch and Mary that they know about the MRI and they want to know why he didn't tell them. Mitch says it's probably nothing and he didn't want to worry them during graduation weekend. "Are you worried about it?" they ask. Mitch doesn't answer, but instead stares off into space.
We see Mitch's videotape from earlier. Same lines. Same tape. Cool. No recap needed. Pan up the fireplace to Mitch and Mary reflected in the mirror. They are having sex. Like, panting, moaning, groaning sex. Don't worry, she's wearing a camisole. While Mitch is going on about enjoying all of them again, I have to avert my eyes from the serious grasping and tonguing going on. Mitch falls right to sleep afterwards. Mary watches him sleep and sighs.
Meghan is applying eyeliner. She's in her cap and gown. Elizabeth walks in and announces that Meghan looks just like Mary did at her age. "I'd better go. Just did my eyes." Good night, Elizabeth. Cam and Kenny walk in and say that although they've been waiting for her to leave so that Cam can get her room and Kenny can get Cam's, they'd rather just have her around instead. Aw. My saccharine level is dangerously high. I grab a vial of insulin just to be on the safe side. Everyone cries and hugs. Mitch and Mary walk in and hug her. Meghan thanks Mary for talking to Clay. She shrugs it off like a true martyr and says that "sudden, catastrophic events have become [her] specialty." Nice. Thanks for the memories, Ferret. Meghan asks for help on her speech. "You still haven't finished it yet?" Mary asks. "Not the end," Meghan says in tears. Mitch walks over and hugs her. He tells her to base whatever decision she makes about school on what she feels, and not what other people think she should do. He says she can't make other people happy. There's the Green way for you. He tells her to listen to her heart and she'll be doing what's best for herself. No, really, he said that. Listen. To. Her. Heart. I think her heart's telling her to stay here and make Clay's life a living hell until she meets some guy at Starbucks and totally falls for him because he's able to swim and dance. That's what her heart's been like this year, anyway. Oh, and she'll probably have to get someone fired along the way. Mitch pulls away from Meghan and says, "You just gotta--"
"Seize the moment," Meghan finishes as she's delivering her speech. She is in a severe close-up with a severe spotlight. I won't harm the beauty of her words. I know you're dying to know. Here you go: "Because you can't even begin to fathom the thousands...make that millions of decisions that bring you to a moment in time. A moment like this one. This moment. Consider all the decisions our parents had to make after having us. Praying for the wisdom to make the right ones." There are only thirty graduates in Meghan's class. There are sixty-three adults in the room. There is not one video camera or flash. WHAT. EVER. I thought Truman was this big-ass school? Maybe everyone failed with Pasty. "Should we bring the baby in bed with us?" Okay, I can't let that one alone. This must explain that whole crawling-into-bed-with-Daddy thing. "Should they go to public school? Should we let the children hear us fight? Have we taught them how to love their parents by showing them how much we love our own? Have we told them we love them enough? Have we told each other? All of these decisions have brought us to this very moment where we stand upon a very tall place, look out, and all we see are more decisions. Now it's our turn, guys. Georgetown or Cornell? Michigan or community college? College or work? Married or be single? Kids or no kids? All the decisions our parents made we gotta make." Meghan breaks the tension here by getting really silly with this tiny mouse voice. "Not to mention...DVD or VHS...AT&T or MCI...WCW or WWF? Help! Please!" The audience gives a polite laugh. "We know every decision we make now will effect us forever. So again, I offer: Seize the moment. I didn't make this up, nor did my dad who told it to me, but it's good advice. We have to live in the moment because our plans could change in an instant. Life's moments are precious. My decision, my seize-the-moment decision is that I'm going to follow my heart and study abroad. And...while some people may say that I'm being selfish in leaving my family, I know that I'm not. Because I carry their love and my boyfriend's love with me every day. I'VE SEIZED MY MOMENT IN TIME. GO OUT AND SEIZE YOURS." While everyone is busy clapping and feeling proud for Meghan, I can't help but notice that even in her speech she's saying that what she's doing isn't wrong, her fault, or selfish. Good girl, Meghan. Your speech lived up to all of my expectations. Carpe diem, bitch. The audience applauds forever and Meghan looks down like she's embarrassed. Sure. Someone is raising a fist in the back at Meghan. That makes me giggle. Fade to white.
Weird swirly cam around Mary. Mitch is about to enter his MRI. Mary raises her hand to the window and fingers her ring. The rest of the family looks through the glass. Meghan raises a note that says, "We love you, Dad." Mitch smiles and leans back. The music is crazy-loud. The doctors ask if Mitch is ready. "Let's do this." Mitch goes into the MRI. The doctors look over the monitors as the family stands breathlessly. We see the images change in the monitor. "Please," Mary says out loud. Close ups on the family watching Mitch. The images change again until the doctor holds his pencil to the monitor. "There," he says. Slow-motion as Mary whips her head around. The doctor looks up. Mary looks off into the distance. The oboe shrieks it's final shrill note as they fade to white.
The end. That's it. No more Get Real. I know it's sad. But at least they all ended up in the very room that they loved being in -- a hospital room. Someone is in great danger of dying. Meghan is about to leave her boyfriend. Kenny just got dumped. Cam will have to go to summer school and has a thing for his teacher. Not one friend showed up. We haven't seen Victor in months. Ferret is all out of the picture. The oboe is trapped in the room with them. Elizabeth is very quiet. This is just where the Green family feels the best. This is where they'd want us to leave them. So let's all step quietly back and thank the powers that be for leaving us after twenty-two episodes of misery and uber-drama. Shh. They're angels when they're angsting. Good night, Get Real. Sweet dreams. Thanks for all the laughs.
The dueling Saint Clares turn to me with a smile. "Wait till you see Young Americans, pamie! Come and play with us, pamie. Forever. And ever. And ever."
Dear Lord, what have I done?