Aw, yeah. It's the last episode of the season. Since they filmed two more, don't be surprised if there are some summer recaps that fall in during that "Summer of Love" crap. I'm just sayin'.
Previously on Get Real: Mitch has thrown the family into crisis with his Frisky Father Firehouse. Mary starts taking control. That's it. That's all they showed.
Our last episode begins with Kenny wiping the lens of a camcorder. We are in camcorder mode as Kenny begins filming. He focuses on a card that reads: "The Green Family: A Profile in Courage." He reads it out loud to us, in case we're still as stupid as they think we are. Kenny pulls the camera back and films Cam walking into the World's Largest Kitchen. He asks Cam for a story about the Green Family Courage. Cam holds his hand up to the camera and says it's way to early to be asking questions and filming. Kenny says it's for a social studies project. Social studies? They still teach social studies in high school? I haven't had a social studies class since the fifth grade. Man, the School Without Classes is way behind. Cam tells Kenny that he just needs food. Elizabeth hands him a plate. Kenny puts down the camera with an exhale and walks over to the counter. In an unnecessary shot, we are in camera mode focusing on a plate of Rice Krispie treats. There is an amazing amount of food on the counter for breakfast. Kenny asks Elizabeth to help him out for his assignment. She asks what it's for. He says that he's supposed to do a record their family's oral history and that, "History is comprised of courageous acts performed by ordinary people and we are nothing if not ordinary." If ordinary means self-centered, pretentious and boring, then yeah, Kenny's right on the mark. Elizabeth reminds Kenny that "Grampa Green" is coming and that he's "quite the talker." I'd like to tell Kenny that Mitch probably has a few theories on the family's "oral history," but no one is asking me.
Mitch is whining to Mary about his dad coming to visit. They both get ready for "work" in their enormous bathroom. Mitch says that his dad is always on his case (his words) and that if he finds out about the firehouse he's just going to want to get involved. Mary tells him that Grampa is only coming for a few days and that he should just stay calm. She tells Mitch that they should probably tell the kids "about the house." Mitch asks if they should do that "before or after [they] put up the 'For Sale' sign." She says they can't put it off forever. She whispers "forever" so we know her secret problem is just killing her. Mitch says that he's got a potential buyer coming in. "Cross your fingers," he says. "Cross my heart," she whispers, which really doesn't mean anything because A) Crossing your heart doesn't mean you'll have hope, and B) Mary's heart is cold and black and shriveled when she got pregnant with Meghan when she was seventeen. Mary tells Mitch that they are going to "get through this," and the camera spins around to Mitch in the mirror as he exhales so strongly the mirror fogs up into the image of Saint Clare with a gun.
Not-So-Secret-Lovers Spot. Clay is sad. We know this because he's without Meghan and he's got his head in one hand. He's reading a book as Meghan slowly approaches him. She walks up the stairs like the Crocodile Hunter spotting a cobra. She gives a Ferret-like "Hey!" and kisses him on the top of the head. She asks how he did on his calculus test. Clay holds up a piece of paper with the letter "F" circled. "Ouch," Meghan says, as she sits down and puts her arm around him. "Aren't you supposed to get points for spelling your name right?" Clay asks. She asks if he wants to come over tonight to "cram for American Lit." Suddenly they are swamped with schoolwork. Clay says he "sorta" has to be somewhere. Meghan's face clearly reads, "I don't think you heard me just tell you what you are going to do tonight. You 'sorta hafta' hang out with me." She starts to laugh and says, "Uh, you have to study. Can't you just cancel?" Clay says he has to take a break from all this "school stuff" and "decompress a little." He then exhales like James Gandolfini into his body mic and stands up. Meghan looks down with her eyes in complete shock. "Okay, I'm not gonna pry." Three...two...one. "Yes, I am. Where do you have to be?" Clay tries to be nonchalant about some birthday party with his old friends from his last high school. Meghan has him cornered and says, "'Kay, this is the part where you're supposed to ask me if I want to go. You know, maybe?" Clay says he didn't think she'd like it. "Why?" she interrupts. "Because, uh, I mean, well, I haven't seen the guys in like over a year. Probably be completely lame." He says he's just going to make an appearance and then leave. Meghan begins to turn on her "charm" by reaching over and buckling up Clay's seat belt for the guilt trip. "Clay, if you don't want me to go, you can just tell me, okay?" She then laughs right in his face. "What? I didn't say that." "Well, then, what's the problem?" she interrupts. Clay is completely beaten. "You know, you can be very persuasive," he says, but he means "bitchy." "Mmm, it's a gift," she purrs as she leans in to kiss him, since she got her way AGAIN. I hate Meghan. "Yo, Loverboy! I need to talk to you!" It's some "Coach" and we know this from the neck stopwatch, gray t-shirt and clipboard taken from the "Coach Box" in the FOX costume shop. Just in case we're dumb, though, Clay says, "Yeah, sure, Coach." Meghan tells Clay goodbye, and he's all, "See ya," with a head nod. We watch Meghan think for a few seconds, "Man, I should have asked him to give me money while I was on a roll. I wonder if he'll let me have a few boyfriends now. My brother is pretty cute. Am I cute? I sure am. And I'm smart. I rule. Everybody wants to be me. I can't believe no one has asked me to be a Big Sister yet. I'm the most popular girl in school and I don't even have to have one friend to prove it. And this whole valedictorian thing? How cool is that? I'm so gonna get scholarships for schools I don't even want to go to while silly Tammy Reymaker has been busting her ass for four years to get into Harvard and will only be Salutatorian. Tra-la-la."
Coach has his hand out like a preacher as he announces that Clay's grades are in "a steady decline this semester." Well, since we only see Clay in the halls, on the track or in Meghan's bed, it's hard to say we didn't see this coming. "I know," Clay says while slapping his knee and leaning back in his chair. He doesn't even believe what he's saying anymore. Coach says that he convinced his calculus teacher to give him a makeup test. Clay thanks him. Coach says if Clay fails calculus he can't run him in the meet. Clay stands up all indignant and whines, "I'll lose my track scholarship!" It's really not convincing at all. "You got one week to get your act together, Forman. There'll be no more second chances." And with that dramatic moment they go straight into the opening title sequence. Huh? What second chances? Since when is Clay a bad student? What's going on?
Grampa Green is telling war stories into Kenny's camera. It's annoying. There is a new director for this episode named Oz Scott (the "Scotts" rule this show). Oz doesn't use nearly as much background music, and it's throwing me off how quiet everything is. Everyone is walking around the World's Largest Kitchen listening to Grampa tell his story. Kenny loved the story. Everyone else says they've heard it a million times. Grampa and Elizabeth flirt. Mitch tells Kenny to take Grampa's stories "with a grain of salt." Grampa says that once he caught a burglar in the house. He asks Mitch to confirm. "That was after the divorce, Dad," he says. "No, it couldn't have been," Grampa goes to argue, and this kicks off the Sensitive Subject background music. Kenny says he wants to interview Mitch, and he tells him he'll do it later. Kenny goes back to interviewing Grampa.
"Cool" Music. Clay and Meghan pull up to some sort of wharf/alley street thing with lots of cars and discarded material. Clay tells Meghan she doesn't have to do this if she doesn't want to. She's clearly offended at the party's location but says, "No, no, it's fine." It's so not fine. "Hey! Barman!" some guy says to Clay. Someone forgot to tell him that his last name is "Foreman" and not "Barman." Lots of high-fives that turn into hugs. Meghan is introducing herself, since Clay is already zooming in on Nina, the birthday girl. We know she's a flooze because she's wearing Debra Winger's hat from Urban Cowboy. Meghan gives Nina the once-over with that frozen smile she uses to express disgust. Meghan tries to look like she doesn't hate Nina as she wishes her a happy birthday. One of Clay's friends tells him to make sure he brought his wallet. "Aw, yeah, you know what we're doing," he says to Clay, and pulls him away from Meghan. Clay grabs a hockey stick from the ground. Some other guy takes a pane of glass and leans it against some other metal fixture. Meghan looks around and is very uncomfortable about not being the center of this universe. Ooh, the other kids are drinking beer. They are such bad influences. Clay takes the hockey puck and hits it into the pane of glass, shattering a corner. Everyone cheers. Meghan looks around and sneers and thinks, "I didn't tell him he could play hockey."
Nina asks Meghan if she's "gonna take a shot." Meghan says that her "aim sucks." Then she laughs, because she knows that with one snap of her fingers all of these kids could be eliminated. Nina says she's not allowed to play anymore because she takes all of their money. Clay breaks another windowpane and the others cheer like he just turned Wilco into Korn. It's not even a cheer. Every time Clay makes a shot, they shout, "OHHH!" Nina says that Clay has changed "so much." She says, "I've never seen his hair so short." Close up on Clay's short hair destroying more property. Meghan doesn't explain the power that hair has over people and why she enforces him to keep his trimmed, and instead asks how Nina knows Clay. Nina says that they're old friends and that they used to date "off and on" for a while. Me-ow. "Don't worry," she tries to finish with, "it just means that you and I have a lot to talk about." But as she's trying to get the sentence out Meghan keeps interrupting it with "Oh!" and head-shakes and hair-flips, thinking, "Why are my powers not shutting her up?" Glass shatters, people cheer. Clay sets up for the big one. He tosses the puck in the air and hits it with the hockey stick, breaking another section of glass. "OHHH!" Clay holds his arm and Meghan shouts, "Woah! Hey, are you okay?" Clay, trying to ignore the mothering, says he's just a bit out of practice. "Hey, uh, didn't hurt the scholarship body now, did we?" Kenickie says. "Aw yeah, don't want to bruise Mister College Boy!" Doody pipes in. "I don't even know if I'm goin', alright? Come on," Clay whines. Meghan, who did not say that Clay had any decision power about his future, is stricken with the internal strife of either yelling at him right now or pulling on his earlobe until they get home. She can decide not to go to college, but that's her special problem. No one else is allowed to have her special problem. Clay walks off with the rest of the T-Birds, and Rizzo is nowhere to be seen.
School Without Classes. Kenny zones in on Cameron in the hall and asks for his "story of courage." Even Cam knows that his little Rainman stint wasn't all that courageous, so he offers up a bungie jumping memory. It's really strange without the background music. Kenny says that bungie jumping is just, "You being an idiot." Cam pulls out an anvil and asks Kenny to define courageous so he can chisel it into the side before he throws it through the window of the firehouse. "It's gotta be something important. Something that leaves you with more than just ropeburns." Kenny says he'll give Cam a day to think it over. "Whatever," Cam snarks.
They still have the white spotlight from where Sideburns challenged Cam to a fight, and now Clay and Meghan are standing under it. Clay asks if Meghan had a good time last night. She's all "Yeah, yeah, so much fun. So much fun. If I had one night to pick as fun it would be that night. "F" is for the "frolic" that we had. "U" is for the..." She then describes it as "interesting." He asks how. She says that she just saw a different side of him that she had never seen before. He says he wasn't acting any different. "Okay," she says flippantly. "I mean, if this is about Nina...we're just friends." Wow. Talk about a leap, there. "I mean, she's like a sister to me." Wrong thing to say to a Green daughter, there, dude. "Actually," Meghan says with a concerned "I'm doing this for your own good" head tilt, "It was that thing that you said about college. About...that, uh, maybe you weren't going... What, what, what was that?" She looks at him as if his body is covered in bird shit. Clay says, "I just didn't want to brag about it. None of them are going." Meghan's not buying it. She asks why he hasn't seen them in so long. He says that his mom thought they were a bad influence, and he's getting all defensive with Meghan. His mom moved him so that he'd go to Truman and "hang with a different crowd." Unfortunately, Meghan allows his crowd to be a party of one. Meghan says that sounds "severe." Clay says that his mom "totally overreacted." Meghan gives an eyebrow and a head bob. Clay says that the best years of his life were with those friends. Chopped Liver counters with, "Makin' me feel real special, here." Clay tells Little Miss Can't Be Wrong that he just misses his old friends. Meghan changes the subject by asking if he wants to come over and study for his makeup test. He gives a look like he's trying to be Cameron and says, "Uh, yeah, right." The bell rings, signaling the end of the non-class that they just skipped, and he kisses her goodbye. Meghan looks around and her lips clearly form the word "Fuck," as she thinks, "I'm gonna have to crimp my hair again. That worked last time."
Firehouse. Mitch is on the phone. His potential buyer (I'm assuming Tom Arnold again) is half an hour late for their meeting. Grampa Green and Mitch make small talk about building things. Just have a good yawn. It's the same feeling. I'll spare you all but the cheese of, "You're following in your old man's footsteps." Mitch tells Grampa that he and Mary are a bit "overextended." "Sell it," Grampa says to Mitch's face. The Special Problem music plays. Mitch starts yelling at Grampa that he can't get enough interested drummed up about the firehouse. Now it's Grampa's fault. What is with this show and Bad Dads, anyway? Victor's dad. Rebecca's dad. Clay's dad. Mitch's dad. Drunk-Rehab girl's dad. And what's with them always trying to make good in the end? And the good ones die. What's up with that? Grampa starts laying into Mitch about not having enough confidence and "What am I always telling you" and other dad-like phrases until Mitch shouts at him again. He tells Grampa to "give it a rest." "Sure," Grampa mouth-breathes. Grampa starts to walk off so Mitch can look distant and exhale. Grampa turns back around with, "Listen, I got a couple of buddies..." Mitch doesn't want to hear it and says they should just leave. Mitch walks off so Grampa can look distant and exhale. I take this moment to imagine a threesome with me, Clay and Slutgirl.
Speak of the devil. Meghan wanders outside the School Without Classes and bumps into Slutgirl. Meghan tells her that she's waiting for Clay. Slutgirl motions with her head and we see a very blurry Clay banging on a very blurry truck and getting in as someone calls him "Dog." Meghan closes her mouth and squints her eyes. Clay takes off, laughing. "I didn't authorize that smile," Meghan thinks as Slutgirl watches Meghan.
Sad, Sad Bankruptcy Oboe. Mitch leans up against the brick wall outside Green Manor like he's James Dean as he listens to his family engaging in dinner talk.
Mary walks into the mansion carrying files instead of Important Boxes. Her neck cords scope out the family in the kitchen, but she notices Mitch isn't there. Using her Green Powers of Perception, she sees Mitch outside the window. She walks past the Christmas lights on the gazebo and over to him. He tells her that the buyer didn't show. As the music picks up again, Mary leans back with orgasmic glee because the family's problems are still not over. Mitch then begins the "I never wanted to be my father" monologue that you probably could write yourself. Mary reminds him that they are in this together. Her problem, too, remember. Mitch reminds her that they've spent half of their lives in that house and that the kids all grew up there. Wow. They could afford that house when they were eighteen? He says that he shouldn't be so attached to it because it's just a "thing. A house." Exhale. As Mitch is reminding himself that his family is the most important thing and that at least they are all together, we see a shot of the family through the window. Kenny is using his Green Powers of Perception and listening to them through the glass. Mary tells Mitch to just take Tom's offer. Mitch says he's tried but Tom won't call him back. They see Kenny and Mitch whispers a, "Hey." Mary and Mitch embrace as the piano kicks into overdrive. Mitch says they'll tell the kids in the morning. He walks off so Mary can stand by the wall for a second and think, "I didn't declare that. I make the decisions around here, buddy." Creepy Kenny backs off from the window. Mary exhales. She holds her mouth in concern, wondering which power will save their family this time. Fade to white.
Elizabeth is wearing her red cardigan, so we know she's in a feisty mood. She tells Kenny's camera that she's got a courageous story. Grampa flirts and she flirts back. They then make hot, sweaty love on the carving table. They don't, but at least that would have been entertaining. I don't know what meal they are setting up for, here, but it involves an entire plate of fruit (sliced and arranged), and entire plate of cheese and crackers, bowls of other food, four apples (whole), a bowl of grapes (red and green), seven sliced oranges, and some other stuff Meghan already set on the table. Elizabeth tells a story about a neighborhood bully that she pushed to the ground. He chased her and then pushed her to the ground and kissed her. "It was my first kiss." She says it was nice. The boom pulls out of frame in the upper left-hand corner. Grampa's all up in her face asking, "So if I chased you down in the backyard, you'd be receptive?" The boom is back again. "You couldn't catch me," Elizabeth flirts, and walks off. I swear, these people sure like to keep it in the family. Meghan tells Mitch that Tom is on the phone. Mary looks terrified. Grampa and Grandma stop flirting and stare.
Mitch slams down the phone and says, "He's back in." Mary is all hugging him and stuff, but I'm too distracted by her swirly red and purple shirt to listen to pay attention. Grampa says he thought the offer was an insult. Mitch says it is, but if they take it, at least they'll keep the house. Cam was just in the room to hear that one, so now everything's gonna blow. Grampa's still trying to give advice, but Mitch isn't really listening to it anymore. Cam hides behind a wall (watch that ear, son, it's sticking out) as Mitch yells that Grampa needs to "let it go." He's all, "What'd I do?" Mitch storms off and sees Cam, who asks if everything is okay. Mitch exhales and says that everything is fine. They say many sentences using the word "stuff" as Mitch tells Cam that the house is going to be fine and he shouldn't mention anything to Meghan or Kenny. What day is it? What time is it? Cam tucks back his hair to show how cool he is about everything as we hear a school bell ring. Damn, that must be the fourth strike for poor Cam.
People are leaving the Non-Calculus class as the "teacher" is reminding them that finals are approaching. As we pan over from Meghan to the empty desk to her (Oh, sweet Clay, how quickly you have fallen), we hear the teacher say, "If Calculus was something you could cram for in a day, everybody would do it!" They do. I've seen Stand and Deliver. Meghan stares at the empty desk and looks a bit defeated.
Kenny is in the cafeteria picking up a Pepsi product (hey, sis!). Cam says he's ready to give his courage story. Kenny requests that it's not an "X-Games" story. Cam makes a joke regarding Kenny's lack of athletic prowess. Cam drinks Kenny's Nestea as Kenny asks if there's something wrong with the firehouse. I hit pause just in time to have Cam look all distant with his mouth open and he looks like Reese Witherspoon in Election. Hee. He tells Kenny that "Dad said that everything was cool."
Mitch is upset because Tom is now offering even less for the firehouse. Tom says it's his final offer. Grampa walks in with some laughing men and says he wants Mitch to meet them. Mitch says he's in the middle of something. These men know Tom and Tom knows them. They are buyers and Grampa is laying on the schmooze. They say that they're just going to look around and Grampa asks if Mitch can join them for lunch. Mitch says he will. Mitch asks for one more day. Tom is furious that Mitch is going behind his back with other possible deals and withdraws his offer. Mitch tries to tell him that he wasn't doing that, but Tom... look, do you really care? Does it really matter? Of course not. Tom walks out. There. scene.
Meghan is at Mandatory Locker Check. She tells Clay that he's got "bed head." "More like no bed head," he says. "You didn't sleep?" "Couple of hours." Meghan says she was getting worried. Clay exhales with a "why?" Meghan reminds him of his Calculus test. "Yes, I know," he snaps at her. Three cheers for Clay. Meghan offers to help him study during her "free period." It's an eight-hour free period. Clay just exhales and says she doesn't have to take the test. She smiles and says he didn't get much studying done last night. "Is that a crack about my friends?" Clay squints. Meghan says that she's not trying to pick a fight and that she thought he'd like some help. Her hair gets tucked with a "Gah." Clay exhales and immediately follows her with a, "You're right. I'm sorry." Damn. He says that everything is coming down on him at once. Meghan tries to baby him with an, "I'm sorry. I had no idea that things were so rough for you," but Clay gives her the brush-off. He says he's just going to suck it up for the couple of weeks. Hey, Clay. Meghan is the perfect person to give you tips on how to suck up. He walks off as Meghan fingers her pen for a few seconds and continues plotting. She will rule his life, god dammit. She will be victorious. She's only got twenty minutes left! How will she reign supreme?
Mitch and Grampa finish schmoozing up the group of new buyers. Mitch is all happy with his dad and asks if they're really interested. Grampa says of course they aren't interested, that he was using them to scare Tom into making a higher bid. Mitch is furious, because he doesn't know one thing about business. Exhale. Exhale. Mitch starts laying into Grampa. Woah! Woah! Spinny cam out of control! Wooooah. I grab my coffee table and take deep breaths. My room gets kind of dark and my computer monitor starts flashing on and off. The candles around my living room all light up and my cats run into the other room. The dueling Saint Clares step down from their pedestals and take a spot on each of my shoulders.
DUELING SAINT CLARE #1
pamie. Stop now. Stop the recap.
DUELING SAINT CLARE #2
You can't stop now. You've got to finish.
DSC 1
You are in control of your own life, pamie.
DSC 2
No. You've got to finish. Think of everyone who wants to know how the series ends!
DSC 1
Just stop. Let's go get drunk. Let's get tattoos. Let's go crazy and break into your first floor neighbor's Bette Davis videotape collection.
PAMIE
How did you know about that?
DSC 1
Oh, I know.
DSC 2
pamie, you've got to be stronger than this. You've made it to twenty episodes!
DSC 1
No! This shit wasn't supposed to make it past Christmas! It's been pulled for every single sweeps this season! We shouldn't still be here. We shouldn't be here every single week.
PAMIE
I'm dizzy.
DSC 1
Stop watching the spinny-cam.
PAMIE
I can't! I can't! I have to watch every single episode! I have to write down every line, every fashion flaw, every single "So" and "Totally!" I must tell people how bad this show can be and every week I have to watch to see if it gets better and now it's just this train wreck that I watch over and over again, having to comment on it like the Hindenburg or something. Do you know that not one of my friends watches this show? Not a single one of them can stand to watch this? They are the most supportive people I know and they won't even put themselves through this torture. They love me and they hate what I do!
DSC 2
Oh, I didn't mean to make her cry.
PAMIE
It's just so hard. It's all so damn sad and terrible. I can't believe we're still here. I had the power of you two and we're still here, and we're still watching this show and now it might be renewed for another year! Do you hear me? We may have to do this again year!
DSC 1
Huh. Speak for yourself, girlie. My ass isn't hanging around for another year of this shit.
PAMIE
You have to be here. You're Saint Clare, the patron saint of television.
DSC 1
You're not the boss of me.
DSC 2
It's not that bad of a show.
PAMIE AND DSC 1
What?
DSC 2
It's not. I mean, it's not totally unwatchable.
PAMIE AND DSC 1
Yes it is!
DSC 2
Look, we watch this thing every week, and like it or not, we're totally involved in these people's lives. We live to trash Meghan every week. We love it when Cam's all mouth-breathing. Mary's neck cords? Brilliance. What are you going to do without this show, pamie? Where will you direct your anger every single week? Who's going to take the brunt of your pain and anguish if you can't take it out on this silly television show every week?
DSC 1
She's right. It's not just a show. It's a part of your life, now. What have you done with every single Wednesday?
PAMIE
I've watched this show. Those occasional Wednesdays when it wasn't on... I think I might have had a bit of a life, maybe.
DSC 2
You've spent more time with the Green family than your own family.
PAMIE
Did my mother call you?
DSC 2
And the Green family isn't going to be around week. They might not ever be around again. This might be the last time you ever see them. I mean, they're cute and funny and silly and together they have the power to do anything! Aren't you going to miss all of that?
PAMIE
Not really.
DSC 1
pamie, you know that pain you get every week?
PAMIE
The thing where my stomach turns in knots and I get a headache in my eye?
DSC 1
Yes. Ulcers and migraines. All gone when you finish this recap.
PAMIE
All gone? Promise?
DSC 1
We'll do our best.
PAMIE
Promise me.
DSC 2
We'll see what we can do.
DSC 1
You've got a little snot on your chin.
PAMIE
Thanks.
DSC 2
You sure cry better than Meghan.
PAMIE
Check out what I can do with my neck cords.
DSC 1 AND 2
Wow.
PAMIE
I know.
DSC 2
You feel better now?
PAMIE
Almost.
DSC 1
Here's a glass of wine.
DSC 2
And here's a cigarette.
PAMIE
I love you girls.
My living room lights back up, the candles blow out and Mitch tells Grampa that he doesn't care about people, that he only cares about making a buck. Grampa busts back with, "Listen, little boy, I'm not making a dime out of this." They then argue back and forth about what "this" is really about and which one of them it is really about until Mitch says that his isn't like Grampa and walks off while Grampa mouth-breathes. Fade to white.
Bebe? Why are you doing a Visa commercial? Why? Why? Dammit. All my favorite ladies.
Dueling Saint Clare 1 holds up a naked picture of Johnny Depp. Gracias, Saint Clare.
Kenny is interviewing Mary for her courage story. She immediately starts in with the lies. "I was eighteen when I found out I was pregnant. He was positive he wanted this baby, he wanted this life, even though it meant changing everything he already had planned." Not true. In the pilot Mitch blames Mary for making him have to be a father and a husband.
We now watch Mary's final monologue through the G4's movie software and everyone is all misty-eyed as Mary says, "I used to think courage was all the big stuff, you know like your grandfather's war stores. But it's also the quiet stuff, you know, the things that nobody notices. I mean, your dad will never go down in the history books but... he'll always be courageous to me." Kenny asks what she thinks about the film. She says she doesn't know what's wrong with her hair. Making it all about herself again. She asks if Cam has his story for Kenny. Kenny says that Cam doesn't have a real story for him yet. Cam says he has all sorts of dangerous stories, and Mary offers up her retro catchphrase by telling him she doesn't need "to go there." Kenny is all, "You see what I have to put up with?" Mary gently reminds him that there are all sorts of "courage stories" and that every one has his own version of courage. Kenny is mesmerized by the power of the G4, and hardly hears a word she says. Neither do I, really.
School Without Classes. Meghan looks, but Clay doesn't leave the Calculus room. She musters up her Center of the Universe powers and walks in the classroom. The teacher tells Meghan that Clay didn't show. She asks if Clay can take the makeup tomorrow and that he probably has a good reason. The teacher says no. Meghan walks off.
Meghan watches the track kids practice, but since Clay wasn't around for this stock footage, he isn't there either. She sits all by herself at the top of the bleachers and realizes she should never have dated a track star.
Mitch, Mary and Elizabeth are discussing Tom walking out. They are very angry and storm around the World's Largest Kitchen as the phone keeps ringing. Mitch drinks an angry beer and answers the call. A pipe has burst in the firehouse. He's all, "That's just great," and storms off. Mary's shirt is some sort of fractal thing...it's very distracting.
Mitch moves the very important briefcase out of the way to throw some clothes in his trunk. Grampa comes out to assess the damage he's caused his son. He asks to come. "You're gonna need an extra pair of hands." Mitch lets him come.
Meghan gets a call on her cellphone. "Clay?" she answers. It's Clay's mother. Meghan covers for Clay when she finds out he's told his mom he was studying with her later that evening.
"So you covered for him?" Elizabeth asks from behind her giant PowerBook. "I didn't know what else to do." Oh, it's Mary, not Elizabeth. I couldn't tell from behind the giant computer. Meghan is crazy-pissed that she had to lie to Clay's mom so he could hang out with his friends. The two Centers of the Universe discuss how to run Clay's life. They know what's best. Meghan asks how Mary is doing. The two Centers of the Universe discuss how to run Mitch's life. They touch each other as the oboe plays. They are so beautiful.
Grampa isn't done telling Mitch what to do, either. Mitch fixes the pipe while telling Grampa that he walked out on his family so he should just shut up about being a quitter. "I loved your mother, Mitch. She's probably the best thing that ever happened in my life. I couldn't stand the thought of you and your brother blaming her for leaving." Crazy distant looks from Mitch as both him and his dad look in different directions. "Letting you think it was my fault. Letting you hate me for it. I thought that was the best thing to do at the time." Nice, since she's dead and can't defend herself. Mitch exhales and says he'd like to believe that. "I wish I could," he says as he storms off. Papa Green looks up with extreme pain.
Sandy drives up to the pier to see Danny. He stands in front of the T-Birds and says he's got to fight the Scorpions at Thunder Road. "I feel a lecture coming on," he says to her. She asks if she can talk to him alone. He's not leaving. She tells him about his mother calling. Clay's all, "Well, that's cool, baby. I mean, you know how it is, rocking and rolling and what not?" Meghan starts yelling at him for screwing up his life and he's all not listening and all of the T-Birds are looking uncomfortable because this square is so bringing them down, man. They have an argument about whether or not Meghan really knows Clay. He's all, "Can you honestly tell me you know everything about me?" and I'm surprised she doesn't reveal her Center of the Universe powers right then and there. He says this is who he is and that he tried to change all of that when his mother made him change schools. "Don't you get it? I'm not like you." He storms off. Meghan starts telling him how much she loves him and she can't stand to see him hurting. She begs him not to walk away from his life. "From us." Close zoom on Nina. Clay backs up and says, "Sorry." Close up on Meghan as the testosterone guitar is in full jam. Fade to black and perhaps, our last commercial break. Huzzah!
The dueling Saint Clares have taken off all of their clothes and are playing with my sex toys.
Cam is filming Kenny. Miraculously, the camera isn't upside-down. Kenny is telling a story about Cam beating him up, but he was actually saving him from a Rottweiler. He gets all serious about the dog almost killing Cam. "He cared more about me than he did himself." Meghan has stolen Mary's fractal shirt and is now wearing it. The closing music is starting up. Hip, hip. Cam says he can't believe Kenny's courage story was about him. Someone has put Kenny in an outfit straight from Screech's wardrobe. Kenny says that he's not anyone to decide what courageous is. Kenny says he might have had head trauma. Tender moment between the Green kids. Shot of Mitch walking in. Kenny walks up and says that he's worried. Cam tells Meghan and Kenny that they might lose the house. They discuss having been in that house their whole lives and how it's just a house and all, but it holds all of their memories. Here's where Meghan should offer up her college fund and be a true martyr, but she doesn't even know that it's already spent and she can't use it to follow Clay to Boston. Why is there chicken wire over all of the bookcases?
Mitch and Mary in their large bathroom. Mitch says he said awful things to his dad last night. "Well, maybe that's a good thing," Mary says. She tells him that he's always had this resentment, and that it was probably a good time to get it all out. Mitch tells us once again that he blamed his dad for his parents splitting up. Mary finishes his sentences with a "there isn't always a bad guy." Damn, that closing music has stopped.
Woah. Crazy wharf bluescreen. Clay wakes up Nina, as they've fallen asleep in some van. Clay says he skipped track practice. Have you seen Good Will Hunting? You know the scene with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon where Ben's all wanting to pick up Matt and have him not be there anymore? Yeah. Insert those lines here. That's all it is, including the "if I had what you had" part. I can't listen because the bluescreen is so frightening. They put poor Nina in a denim vest so we know she's from the wrong side of the tracks.
Pounding music stops at Mitch and Grampa. Blah, blah, "Can't change history." Blah, blah, "Dad. Dad. I know. I know." Grampa says he talked to one of his buddies. Mitch is about to blow him off, when Grampa says he got some juicy info about Tom.
I refuse to recap any scenes with Tom Arnold anymore. I just do. All you need to know is that they start playing hardball with Tom and Mitch gets his big justice monologue about how he's got a whole family to back him up and he can wait forever on the property and at one point Tom says "big-ass." It's like he's having to say this "hip" dialogue but he's even more uncomfortable with it than Mary. He even almost has to say "do not want to go there." He says something about "Get in touch with reality," and "foreclose on your butt." The Saint Clares told me it was best not to share this scene with you. You can thank them later.
Strummy-strummy-la-la music in the School Without Classes. Clay spots Meghan through the tiny circle in the Secret Lovers spot. I guess entering the Center of the Universe II gives you a few powers of perception. They're playing that song they've played before about "searching, searching, searching for someone," and I have to turn down the television before I cut off my feet. Clay walks up to Meghan, who's all curled into the fetal position without a single backpack in sight. She's obviously written the following monologue for him: "I know an apology isn't enough. I know you've been nothing but supportive, amazing, worried about me. And I've been a jerk." Meghan blinks once in agreement. She slightly, ever so slightly, nods. "I want you to know that it meant a lot to me. It means a lot to me that you came looking for me last night. And everything that you've said, I don't deserve it after how I've been acting for the past few days. I wish I could explain what's been going on inside my head." "Try," Meghan orders. Clay opens a chapter from So, You've Got One Episode To Be a Bad Kid: Tips for the Quick Apology. School, track, scholarships, silver spoon, blah blah. He was hanging with his old friends because "it was easier." Meghan wipes a tear. Clay says, "You know how they say about burning the bridges behind you? Well I think I was burning the bridge in front of me." Meghan straightens her back and asks why he'd want to do that. He says he's afraid everybody's going to find out the truth about him. "That I can't hack it. That I'm a fraud." Meghan tells him that he got the scholarship by himself. "Doesn't sound like a fraud to me." "Guess," Clay says. Meghan holds his hand and tells him that all he has to do now is believe in himself. "If you close your eyes and jump, I know you're gonna land on your feet." I vomit twenty episodes worth of bile and pain and suffering. My ulcer and my migraine do the tango on my coffee table. They hug as the rest of the school goes to blurry-cam. I'm trying to hang on here, people, but really at this point, I'm thinking of the millions of other things I get to do when this show is gone.
Cam tells his "leap of faith" story. They let him grow his hair out a little, so that's nice. Anyway, he's telling the bungie jump story. "It's like you're flying. And for those few seconds, man, you're invincible. Invincible." Too extreme of a close up, here. Kenny tells him the story is perfect. Cam offers to take him jumping. Kenny declines.
Mitch and Papa Green dance the Dance of Joy in the elevator. They hug as the doors close.
Meghan answers the door. It's Clay. He got a second make-up test scheduled. He brought microwave popcorn and a chapter on "derivatives and exponential logarithms." Too bad that's the first six weeks of Calculus One, Clay. Your ass is toast. "You really know how to show a girl a good time," Meghan says. They laugh and go up to her room to have sex on Clay's textbooks.
Suddenly it's dinner and Grampa is elaborating the story with Tom. Mary says she wishes she could have been there. Of course you do, lady. Kenny asks if all of this means they aren't losing the house. Pause while the camera spins around to every Green member. Mitch asks where he heard that. Kenny says that sometimes he hears voices. "I see dead people," Cam whispers, which cracks the family up and he's instantly forgiven once again. Mitch says that he's thankful that his family stuck by him during all of this. He raises a toast, and the family clinks glasses as the gospel singers start up.
Pan across to Mitch giving his courage story. It's about his dad giving his mother her favorite chair after the divorce. It was the one piece of her he was trying to hold onto. The G4 is all up in the screen. As we hear Mitch's final lines, we watch Grampa saying goodbye to the Green family. And as he hugs each member, he's hugging each of them for us. We hug Meghan goodbye. We hug Kenny goodbye. We hug Elizabeth and Mary. Mitch loads up Grampa's trunk and stares at him for a while. They hug and kiss and fade off. Mitch says that the hardest thing his father ever did was let his mother go. He did it not for himself, but for his family. The gospel singers hit their note for the last time as the Green family watches Mitch's final line: "And that's courage."
And writing twenty recaps for one of the lowest rated television shows of the 1999-2000 television season? Well, that's just stupidity. But I want to thank the Greens for letting us into their home every week (when it wasn't an important time for ratings) and letting us share their laughter and their love. And for letting us laugh when they were trying to share their pain and their love. And for letting us laugh when they were trying to make a difference, or teach a lesson. For letting us know that friends and teachers and schoolwork aren't really important. That every person in your life is expendable, even family members. Hell, I'd like to thank the Greens for bringing us all together, here at MBTV. Together we bonded and made friends and enemies. We became loved ones here. Get Real was one of the first recaps to ever hit this site, and here we are now just a few months later, and I think we all know a bit more about ourselves. We've become better writers, readers, forum participants. We've become better people. We shared something that they can never take away from us. We've shared the deep secret of the Green family. We know how to be the undisputed Center of the Universe. We've seen writing at it's lowest, it's most desperate. We've shared stories of mockery and disbelief. We've all been saddened by the loss of a potential episode. And we all were just a bit blessed by the powers of the Dueling Saint Clares. So, when you go home tonight and watch your sister take a bubble bath and then crawl into bed with your father, remember that no matter how much you think your family has problems, at least you don't live with the Greens. Thank you, Get Real, for making us appreciate our own individual "big families" just a bit more. So, here's to you, Get Real, for everything that you've done.