Oh. My. God.
Did you hear that sound around 8:00 PM Central Time January 12, 2000? Sort of a wail, but kind of like a hyena? You were hearing me. I was in such hysterics over this episode that my boyfriend picked up my copy of Girl, Interrupted to see what he should do. I am not kidding and I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that this was the absolute worst hour of television that I've ever seen in my entire life. Really. And I saw the pilot for Thanks. Brace yourself, kids. You are about to read cyber-shit.
The teaser right before the show says that there's going to be a full month of Get Real. That's a record, by the way. We go straight to the "previously" which we all already know: Meghan has a crush on her "best friend" Ferret's boyfriend Clay. They necked during Christmas. Mary is pregnant and had to cancel out on MC Lyte's New Year's party. Cameron and Kenny fight so much that Mitch has to yell at them. Clay tells Meghan that he'll break up with Ferret but the Center of the Universe smiles and says he can't because Ferret's the best Best Friend anyone could ever ask for, and even though Meghan'll go around kissing him, she won't let him break up with Ferret just because he doesn't want to date her.
We open in the School Without Classes, where Meghan is sitting in her Secret Lovers spot. Clay walks up and remarks that Meghan hasn't been returning "any" of his phone calls, so I guess homeboy can't take a hint. Don't worry, Meghan is wearing her finest Bratty Pants for the following conversation. She continues writing something on a piece of paper as they talk. Meghan: "I didn't think we needed to drag this thing out. The status between you and Amy is status quo. No conversation needed." Clay: "But, you knew I was planning to let stuff ride during the holidays." Meghan: [laughs] "Yeah, and you did." Clay: "Come on, tell me this is not you being mad." Meghan: "Tell me this is not you wanting to break up with my best friend because you want to be with me." Clay: "Even if I didn't know you, this is something that I'd have to do." Meghan: "You know, I think that's what they call a 'non-denial denial?'" First of all -- wha? And second, who's "they"? Clay licks his lips a bit and then says that Amy is great and that there's only one thing wrong with her. My entire apartment recites with Clay, "She's not you." This makes the Center of the Universe angry, because she's already declared that Clay and Ferret have to be together forever, and she says that it's "so not comforting." Clay says that they have something that's "so obvious" that everybody would probably understand. Outraged hair-flips then respond, "All I know is we hook up [sic] and I am violating every code of friendship on the planet, which, you know what, I'm doing even having this conversation [sic], so I'm doing what I have to do to move on. And I suggest...you do the same. Friends only, alright?" Clay points out that the last time they tried to be just friends they ended up examining each other's uvula. They stare at each other for a while. Meghan does the internal eye-roll and then goes back to her important piece of paper. Clay leaves, and Meghan gives him a lingering look as if to say, "Damn. I tell him to leave and he does. This always happens."
Cameron is on the floor of the school using a socket wrench on the trucks of his skateboard. "Principal Bobby" walks up. We've never seen him before, but Cam is all chummy with him, so I guess they couldn't get Dr. Sedgwick for this episode. You know when Cam is holding his skateboard, there's gonna be trouble. Cameron says that the principal has this "Cameron's gonna skate where he's not supposed to and get his Third Strike" look. Principal Bobby looks at Cam as if to say, "You can't spell 'Principal' without 'Pal,' Cammy." By the way, Cameron's locker is right to a posted "No Skateboarding" symbol, which is a drawing of a little man executing a rail slide down a staircase. Principal Bobby tells Cameron not to do anything that would cause him to have such a look. Cam says he's not, and that's why he put his skateboard away in his "locked locker." Principal Bobby gives a "Praise the Lord" that his boy Cameron is all growns up. Cameron laughs like Corky from Life Goes On. Principal Foreshadowing leans in and says, "Two strikes has a way of becoming three."
As Cameron walks off, we pan down to his feet and see him pass some work boots with jeans. The jeans have eight-inch cuffs. We pan up the baggy jeans and see a yellow shirt with arms holding a book with a grocery-bag book cover. That yellow shirt is attached to a head. My phone rings. It's James Van der Beek. "Now that's a noggin, man. You tell Wing to shut up. That's a friggin' huge head!" He's right. "And look at those stupid sideburns!" I hang up on James because I have begun a fit of laughter. The sideburns are these huge triangles and they dribble down from a haircut designed by the stylist from That 70s Show. Sideburns Guy is thirty years old. He turns his head so we can see his precious silver hoop earring. He snarls as he looks in Cam's direction. He slams his locker.
To further prove that these kids go to the School Without Classes, Victor and Kenny are hanging in the World's Largest Kitchen. Victor washes a dish and says they've got ten minutes until his "Post-Lunch Astronomy Nap." I don't have time to dwell about their Freshman Off-Campus Lunch policy, however, because Kenny is wearing a tiny leather jacket. It's all small on him and he's trying to look all cool. Victor gives him a "Dude, you look like a dweeb" look as Kenny explains that he "scored it from the attic." He looks pretty satisfied with himself. He says he's doing that whole "image makeover thing." He says this while pointing his fingers in that rapid handgun fashion. Apparently everyone in this cast has caught Saturday Night Fever. Kenny puts on some black shades and tick-ticks as he does another series of handguns. "You're scaring me, Fonzie," Victor deadpans. Kenny gets a look of surprise on his face and then puts his hands in his pockets. Then he gets another look of surprise (so that we forget that he already blew the motivation) and starts shouting a bunch of "dude"s. He's already all stoked and excited before he ever looks at his findings and says, "It's a joint!"
Mitch and Mary walk in (because most parents I know walk around their house side by side all day). "Tell me that's not what I think it is," Mitch says, right after Kenny just shouted what it is. "Oh, my God, that's exactly what you think it is," Mary shouts, as if we don't all know what it is. By the way, Mitch and Mary look totally guilty throughout the entire scene. Mary takes the joint from Kenny and washes it down the sink, which for some reason is filled with carrot peelings. She doesn't use the garbage disposal, though, so it's just a joint sitting on some peelings in her sink. Mitch is all, "Kenny! I'm so disappointed in you!" and Mary says that they will have to have a "serious discussion about drugs and alcohol." Kenny asks why it's okay for Mitch but not him. "What?" "This is Dad's jacket," Kenny lisps. "Thuth, that wath, Dad'th joint." Mitch starts to say that the jacket was from college, and Mary interrupts to say that it is, in fact, her jacket. "What?" come the simultaneous "punch lines." "Don't pick on the pregnant woman," Mary says, as she's saved by the bell. She picks up the phone and begins saying that Joanna Parsons is handling things now, so I guess she gave all of her work to her main competitor. Mary walks off. Mitch asks Kenny if he was going to give him that joint anyway. Kenny assures him he was. By the way, Kenny's got the leather jacket all zipped up to his neck, with his blue Polo shirttails all hanging out the bottom. Geeksville. Victor "dude"s Kenny and complains that Kenny "just gave away the keys to Toontown." Kenny tells him not to worry. He pulls another joint out of the pocket. "He had a little brother." They give stoner snarfs and walk off.
I hear this noise that sounds like dolphins playing in the mist. Oh. Clay just told Ferret some sort of joke in the School Without Classes. They walk off so we can see Martyr Meghan lamenting by her locker, wearing what appears to be a coat from Ever After. She's standing to Slut Girl. "Dying inside?" Slut Girl asks. "Do you know everything that goes on around here?" Meghan moans, as if she didn't have Slut Girl at her house every minute of this whole fiasco. "A sad result of spending too much time in the hallway and too little time in the classroom." Hey, it's not her fault. No one is in a classroom right now. The strange thing is all of these "classmates" are always walking around this school, but they are never talking to each other. You always only hear whatever conversation a Green member is having. Slut Girl recommends a rebound fling for Meghan. Like this girl wasn't going to get a new boyfriend in three minutes, anyway. After the three tears shed over Soul Patch Boy we got all of nine seconds of misery over Dan. Remember the one guy she lost when everyone thought she was pregnant? Me neither. I can't believe we've spent this long on Clay. Meghan says she is interested in someone for like a "one date" kind of thing. Slut Girl asks if it could be a "two date kind of thing." Meghan says that Slut Girl is the expert. Meow.
Okay. Prepare yourselves. The fifty minutes contain some of the worst television cheese I've ever heard. I'm going to try to write it all down because I need you to know what kind of hell I go through. I'm not making this stuff up.
As Meghan walks off we see Cameron shut his locker and start walking down the hall. He's not looking where he's going, and he accidentally bumps into the shoulder of another person. A book falls. Cameron squats down to pick it up and says, "Sorry about that, man." A boot with an eight-inch jean cuff steps on the grocery-bag book cover. It covers up some sticker on the book that I think was a Care Bear. We pan up to Midlife Sideburns Guy. He sneers at Cameron from an extreme close-up. "What do you got, some kind of death wish?" Cameron: "What is your deal, bro? I was just trying to help out." Midlife Sideburns Guy: "Here's the deal. Don't. Help." Cameron: "Fine. Not helping." Cameron starts to walk away but Midlife Sideburns Guy hits him in the back on his backpack like he's twelve. Cameron circles back to ask, "What is your problem?" We have to suffer another close-up as Midlife Sideburns Guy hisses, "Name is Trent. Sssssykes." You can tell he means that to sound all tough and mean, but it comes out like when you were seven and you told your friend that she could eat your cupcake at lunch and then when she went to grab it you pulled it away and hissed, "Psssssyche!" Then Trent actually says, "And maybe you're the one with the problem." And maybe you're the...one...you're the...yeah. Cameron licks his lips and looks to the right so we can see Principal Foreshadowing looming fifty yards away near a pack of silent milling teens. Cool Cam busts out, "I am so not craving conflict right now? So I'm gonna let this one slide." Cameron walks off, but Midlife Sideburns Guy isn't through. He calls out to Cameron's back, "I knew you'd grow up to be a wuss." And with that, Ladies and Gentlemen, I seriously have to debate if all of this is worth it. I mean, it's one the thing to tra-la-la in here once a week or so and maybe peruse these recaps, but it's certainly another to force myself to watch this video vomit every time FOX airs another piece of garbage. "Wuss"? What the hell? is he going to knock Cam down and sit on his chest and threaten to drop a spit wad on his face? Is this what teen dramas have been reduced to? Pre-teen Rubber-and-Glue? It's not worth it. It's really not. So why am I laughing? It's to keep me from looking for sharp objects to Oedipus Rex myself. Anyway, so Trent "Sandbox" Sykes busts out with that burner, and Cameron has to stall for a second on the staircase to recoil. We hear Meghan giggling and cooing, "Stop it!" Cameron turns around. Sykes is there, all cuddled up to her. He hadn't even finished saying the word "wuss" before he had moved in on "Clay Who?" They giggle in a silent shot, as Cameron looks on stunned. I'm stunned, too. Sykes moves faster than lightning, yo. Take a tip from Trent Sykes. He can woo what he likes. I recall he started small. You've gotta mack a brat kid or two. Fade to white.
Opening credit. Credit. As in just the title shot. No commercials. No rest for the crappy. Moving on.
Meghan is standing in the stairwell in the School Without Classes. Sixth Grade Sykes is with her, reciting Rebecca's monologue from her last episode. Sykes moves around a lot. Meghan is all sympathetic, until Sykes tells her that he thinks it's the coolest thing in the world. Sure. I moved around all the time. It's not "so cool" and the worst thing to be in high school is the continual "new kid." Why am I debating Logic and Reason to Get Real? Anyway, Goo-Eyes and Psycho Mantis chat for a few minutes more. It's real Emmy-worthy stuff like, "No time to play coy with the ladies." And, "You, you lived in Europe? Oh my God, now, now you're, you're like treading on my personal fantasy here." "I could have to live there again. Maybe time you should come with." "Ah. You do move fast. Wow." "No time for coy, remember?" "Oh, like tell me that wasn't coy." Then Meghan asks if Sideburn Sykes knows any other languages, which cues him going all French Talk on her. She says that she takes Spanish, so she'll need him to translate. He says some creep talk about how she's the most interesting girl blah, blah, blah facial haircakes. Meghan rolls her eyes so high even the Romanian judge has to give her a ten and says, "Stop right there. You are such the lying smoother." Giggle, giggle, giggle. "Smoother"? Hey, Get Real writers: Uh, no. Sorry. Not workin'. Vomitous, pamie. Meghan commands more French from Sideburns but he says she'll have to wait until tonight. They stand real close as they agree to "hook up" later. Meghan beams so wide that her cheek shatters and some of it sticks in her hair. Flip, flip, flip. Back to normal. Ferret comes down and makes my face twitch by speaking. She comments on Meghan's "whole far-away look-thing happenin'." They watch Sideburns open his locker. These guys never go to class but they all have to check their lockers over and over again. Ferret asks if this is the new "exotic transfer student." "Only exactly yes," Meghan says. Only exactly whatever. "Trent Sykes," Meghan clarifies. "Mr. Sykes has a nice butt," chirps Ferret. Meghan jumps up. "I'll trade ya!" Okay, she doesn't say that, but you know she meant to. Meghan asks if she's in trouble and Ferret giggles that she probably is and they walk along merrily as if Meghan hasn't been swapping spit with Ferret's boy for the past two weeks. Bad edit and Ferret and Meghan are walking down the crowded, silent hallway discussing how there are some boys that you want to take "to the altar" and some that you just want to fool around with. Ferret tells Meghan that she has to decide which one Sideburns is and what she wants to do with him. Ferret mentions something about her own relationship, and Meghan groans, "Oh, how is that going?" "Me and Clay?" Ferret asks, I guess because Meghan makes it sound like she finds her boyfriend revolting. Ferret says that Clay is one of those boys you want to take to the altar. Meghan looks like she's going to either throw up or Jerry Springer Ferret's ass as the five-note Get Real jingle kicks off on piano. "Well, that's, that's just great," Meghan hisses through her teeth. Bitch. You can't have your Clay and eat Trent too.
We see the twenty-year-old joint reflected in Kenny's Risky Business shades. "Are you going for the gold, or what?" Victor asks him. They are standing in the boys' bathroom in the School Without Classes. It's also the Bathroom Without Visitors, because they have no problems flinging this (long) joint around the bathroom debating its merits. The few minutes read like a PSA as Kenny worries about getting addicted or busted. "I mean, how often do kids our age get to smoke dope?" Kenny asks. "Okay, every day, but that's a whole 'nother story." Victor says they could smoke it and have a great time. Not busted or addicted, but "changed forever." He declares the joint to be an "invitation to destiny." What. Ever. Kenny. Your brother is a bone-headed skater. Quick tip: Check his sock drawer. Smoke up, kid. Don't waste your first time on ancient weed. And quit calling it dope; you sound like your parents. And take off that stupid-ass jacket. Who are you, Joan Jett? Jesus, someone needs to help this kid out. Where's Cameron?
Well, like every other student in the School Without Classes, Cameron is at his locker again. He opens it and sees that his skateboard is gone. He starts glaring around the hallway at the silent, locker-checking others. "Who the hell took my skateboard?" we hear him "think." We see Sideburns follow Meghan out of a class and leer all close to the back of her neck. She's looking down at something. Tucked in the crook of her arm is a French schoolbook. Nice try, girlie -- you already said you take Spanish. Cameron is outraged. He's got to put one hand on his forehead. So angry. He tucks back a bit of grease. Sideburns keeps mouth-breathing to Meghan until she walks away. Then Sideburns lifts his head and stares straight into Cam's eyes. They're like, across the school from each other, but whatever. We watch Sideburns leave in slow motion, just like his cool Sixth-Grade Slow Burn. "Sykes!" Cameron shouts, like he's auditioning for Lethal Weapon Five. He slams his locker shut and starts running after him, but the Silent Schoolkids are like zombies! Suddenly they're everywhere and Cameron can't go anywhere without bumping into one of them! There's so much locker-checking and milling that Cam might lose sight of Sideburns! He does a quick 360 and then bumps right into Principal Foreshadowing. Coffee is spilled. PF says that Cameron must have been running right to class. Cam agrees that he was on his way to Biology. He drops some science like Galileo dropped an orange and walks off. He opens a door to a classroom, but we do a quick edit so that he actually walks into the World's Largest Kitchen. Pssssyche! There ain't no biology class! Fool.
Mary walks over to Cam and hangs up the phone (which I guess she's been holding since the last scene) and asks Cam where his skateboard is. You know, I skated for a year or so, and my mother never noticed when I wasn't carrying that thing. Cam says his board got stolen and Mary gets too upset about it. She hugs him and apologizes. She says she never liked that thing anyway. Cam and Mitch watch her walk away. "Hormones?" "Hormones." Oh, will that pregnancy humor ever get old? No, sir. We've got months more, kids. Buckle up. Mary stumbles back and forth for a bit in the doorway, because pregnant women have a tendency to get lost inside their homes all of the time. Cam asks Mitch what they can do about her and Mitch says that they "should say that she's right about everything for the seven months." Har dee friggin' har, asshole. Mitch asks Cam what's going on. Cameron explains that there's this kid messing with him at school and that he thinks the guy broke into his locker and stole his things. He forgets to mention to Mitch that the kid is a bully they stole from a 1976 ABC Afterschool Special. He doesn't get a chance, though, as Meghan and (guess who?) come waltzing down the staircase. Meghan gets a reminder about curfew. Sideburns Eddie Haskells that he has a curfew as well. Cameron's mouth is agape. Mary walks up and hugs Cam. She says that if he needs help buying a new skateboard she'll help him out. "Dude! What happened to your board?" He flips his giant head to convey he has "no idea" what's going on because he's so "innocent." Psycho Sideburns is laying it on thick. Cameron's mouth is still all open. He says someone stole it from his locker. "No!" Sideburns shouts loud enough that you can tell he took the line reading from James Spader in Pretty In Pink. He continues with his Seventies Sleaze: "Some people just have no sense of boundaries." He leans in towards Cameron on "boundaries" so that the anvil falls out of his wide lapels and onto my toe. It's got appliqués on it, and is covered in Aqua Net. Sideburn's handbook also falls out but he snatches it back before I can steal it from him. In So, You're Playing A One-Episode Bad Boyfriend Since You Didn't Get That Part In Hair, Sideburns was on Chapter Three: "Parents Think You're Way Cool While That Dorkimungous Brother Has To Drool." Sideburns is starting to look like Erik Estrada in ChiPs. He walks off with Meghan, but not before he gives the "Nobody saw this but you and me" shoulder strike, which whips Cameron around and catches his big ol' ears off-guard. Mitch asks Cameron if he knows that Sideburns used to live in Europe. Grease drips off Cameron's hair and into his open mouth. He whips around with a quiet "What?" and bolts up to his room. Man, I wish I was making all this crap up, but I'm not. Someone wrote that last scene. Someone else read it and thought it was a good idea. Someone after that cast it. They set up a stage for it. They picked costumes. The actors learned lines. They all got together and said those words out loud. Someone else recorded it. Someone after that pieced it all together according to someone else's "vision." At no point did any of these people stop and say, "No, really, we can't print this shit. This is awful. I really can't live with myself if we pass this off as programming."
To continue the Bad Boyfriend Cliché, Sideburns is now putting on Kenny's Risky Business shades while checking his reflection in a picture of Kenny, Cameron and Meghan on the wall. He flicks his head to the side and says, "Nice." Like he's Iceman or something. "You been here all day?" Cameron asks. I guess he has the power to teleport around just like Sideburns. "Yeah, I'm moving in," Sideburns says, but his mouth doesn't move. Don't worry, that's just the editing. It's as bad as Sideburns's...well, sideburns. Cam asks, "Who are you?" "I think, if you think about it, you'll remember." Cam says he thinks Sideburns had better stay away from his family. Sideburns props his feet up on a table and picks up some giant remote control for a car or something, and he starts playing with it, but there's no car running around. "I don't know," he says like a Generic Bad Guy, "you think? I mean, I see your brother, and I see someone who needs a brother. And I see your sister --" Apparently the remote control is for Cameron, who suddenly pulls the table towards him, knocking Sideburns's feet away. "You're crossing the line there, tough guy." "I see someone who needs someone to talk to, rely on, have fun with." Cam rips the remote control from Sideburns's hands and says that Meghan was having plenty of fun before Sideburns got there. Ew. Meghan walks in and asks if they are "getting along." "Like two old pals," Sideburns says. "Yeah, I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside," Cameron sneers. "Okay," Meghan sighs. Don't think I didn't notice this is the original script for Tango and Cash, by the way. Meghan asks if Sideburns is ready to go. He looks straight at her vagina for five seconds and then says, "Wow. You look incredible." She grins her boy-winning grin and thanks him. "You can tell me in French later," she says. Cameron gives this gross-out face that echoes my thoughts of "Don't stare at her vagina and then say the word 'French.'" Sideburns leers at Cameron and says, "Don't wait up," as we go to a close-up of him placing his hand on the curve of Meghan's ass. Music plays in the background that I recognize as the music from the sex scenes in Risky Business. Sideburns stuffs his hand in the pocket of Meghan's jeans to complete the Eighties flashback as we zoom into Cameron's angry forehead vein. Sideburns gives another backward glance at Cameron. Either we're really overdoing the Seventies/Eighties Bad Guy or Sideburns actually has a crush on Cameron and is trying to get him jealous. I am mercifully treated to my first commercial break.
Outside the School Without Classes, Ferret, Meghan and Sideburns are walking past "No Skateboarding" signs discussing how Cameron was "a little head-trippy." Sideburns says that he understands why Cam would do that; he was just protecting his sister. Five-note Get Real jingle mixes effortlessly with the Testosterone Guitar. Ferret is wearing a series of blue pipe cleaners glued to a bra. She says that Sideburns reminds her so much of Clay and that the four of them should all go out on a date sometime. Meghan hair flips around and gives Ferret the "You really come up with some crappy ideas" sneer. Sideburns asks who this Clay person is. Ferret explains that he's her boyfriend. More "For now" snarls from ME-ghan. "At least he was, as of yesterday," Ferret moans. "You know, guys," she ferrets, as if each and every day in a relationship is a guessing game of commitment. "Well, I know any guy would be crazy not to grab onto you and hold on forever," Sideburns actually says. Ferret ferrets that she's gonna go find Clay and remind him how great she is. She walks off. Sideburns's kleptomania is truly out of hand; he has now raided Meghan's closet, and he's wearing one of her periwinkle turtleneck sweaters. Who dresses like this? Meghan comments that Sideburns is just great to everyone in her life. Sideburns asks whether that makes her nervous. She says it does because there's this guy that she used to like and now she can't like him anymore and she doesn't know if she like, like-likes Sideburns, or if she just likes him or what. You know the story. Sideburns offers to back off a bit. Meghan asks if he'll just be patient and let her lead. "As long as I can follow," he whispers. He leans in and kisses her, and you see him make eye contact with Cameron, who is like, half a mile away. They stare at each other while Sideburns mugs Meghan. Creepy. Weird. Not buying it.
Quick flash to inside the School Without Classes as Meghan and Cameron walk up the staircase. As they get to the top of the stairs we see a real party going on in Meghan and Clay's special spot with all sorts of people sitting around talking. I guess we weren't supposed to notice that. Cameron is telling Meghan that he doesn't approve of Sideburns. This doesn't seem to make Meghan happy. Cameron says that Trent Sykes is bad news because he already tried to pick a fight with him. Meghan says that's Cam's problem. "He squeezed your butt." "That's my problem. What else?" "He stole my skateboard...I think." Meghan acts shocked and says she'd better call the cops. It doesn't matter how much he steals, Nancy tells Oliver, she's going to stand by Sykes "As Long as He Needs Me." Cameron points out that Sideburns isn't even Meghan's "type" -- a word that makes me giggle, since Meghan has dated one boy from every stereotype this season. Her type, apparently, is "alive." Meghan says she's not going to take advice from Cam, who is -- get this -- "the King of Physical." Ooh. Burn. "I know about Clay -- about you and Clay," Cam shouts out in the middle of the school hallway.
The silent zombie students pay no mind, though, as Meghan walks back to Cam and asks, "And um, what, what the hell do you think you know?" Someone posts Cameron's reply down the hall to the left of Meghan, because he keeps reading his lines and then looking at her. Read line. Look at Meghan. Read. Meghan. "How you feel about him. And how you're trying to do the honorable thing and get past him. And I gotta say I respect you for that. All I'm saying is maybe, just maybe, you're hooking up with Trent as way of working Clay out of your system and maybe you're about to do something with Trent for all of the wrong reasons." Meghan: "And this is important to you because --?" Cameron: "Because you're right. I am the King of Physical. And maybe that makes me a hypocrite, but physical for physical's sake isn't who you are. You're gonna want more, you're gonna need more and you deserve more. And this Trent guy is just gonna flatten you. I don't wanna see that happen." Meghan: "You know what, Cam? Maybe if you had paid more attention to my life up to this point I might care about what you gotta say right now, but you don't get to stick your face in my business for the first time ever and expect me to believe that you suddenly care." Cam says, "I do care," and Meghan interrupts to brat, "You know, since there's so much scrutiny going on here right now, why don't you take a good, long, hard look at whatever your agenda is with Trent and leave me out of it." Meghan whips around to leave as Cameron and the anvil on my toe shout, "You're making a mistake!" "Again, my problem, not yours." Meghan's hair flounces off as Cameron puts one hand on his hip and shakes his head. Such problems. He's so upset that he has to lean his head back, shake his greasy head and then smack a wall as he walks off.
Kill me.
Meanwhile, in Ridiculous Plot Number Three, Kenny and Victor meet in the Greens-Only stairwell so Kenny can worry that the joint is going to cause "negative long-term effects." Victor says it might. "It could alter my DNA," Kenny whines. "Maybe for the better," Victor offers. They make the mandatory locker check. Kenny can't find his sunglasses. Victor makes a "joke" about how Kenny isn't even stoned yet and he's losing things. Hee-hee-hoo.
You know this scene with Meghan is going to be really crucial to the episode because suddenly the only two people in the halls in the School Without Classes are Meghan and Clay. They just happen to walk right into each other. They stand to the "No Railslide" sign. Clay starts. Well, he sort of snorts. He has this problem of his nose leaking air every few words. "Meghan [snorf], I thought I knew you better. Hard as it is, I understand what's going on between us [snorf], or not going on. But for you to wait all of two seconds and then start up with this Eurotrash Trent guy..."
The bell rings, and the silent milling students suddenly cram the halls, forcing Meghan and Clay to stand closer to each other. Meghan asks if Ferret told the whole school about Sideburns. Clay says she just told him. Meghan says that no one even knows Trent Sykes but that "somehow he's winning this big unpopularity contest." At least he's a winner. "That should tell you something," Clay squints. "Yeah, yeah, it tells me that no one understands I'm trying to work through this -- through us -- and you know, I'm sorry, Clay, but if I don't take care of myself, no one else will." Maybe no one understands because you haven't told anyone, Meghan. Duh. "Okay. Have it your way," Clay says. "But did you ever stop to consider that maybe you're not the only one who's hurting here?" Of course she hasn't. She's the Center of the Universe! This cheese line kicks off the worst song ever played in the brief history of Get Real. It's this terrible Tori Amos knock-off with a piano and a shrill "songstress." I take some Maalox.
After Meghan tries to cry for a second, we cut to a nighttime shot. It's the back of a motorcycle as the Non-Tori wails, "Put my arms around the sun in a circle! And ohhhhh, it feeeeeels, so sweeeeeet!" Meghan and Sideburns are making out on the back of his motorcycle. Attention California! Be on the lookout for Motorcycle 8251L3! He is armed with bad dialogue and will use it. I repeat, he is a badly written bully who may potentially cause you intestinal harm by uttering lines like, "You're not the boss of me," and "Fatty-fatty, two-by-four, can't fit through the kitchen door!" Sideburns is still wearing Meghan's Periwinkle Tunic, but he's covered it up with the denim jacket Dirk Diggler wears when his mom kicks him out of the house. Non-Tori hits a really shaky C to sing: "And I fall into the night! And I-hiiiii-hi-hi-hiee lllieeeee on the wiiiind! I fah-hah-haaall out of your sight!" My male cats begin humping each other.
Cameron is on the Thinking Bench. Kenny walks out as Cam tells him that the only reason Meghan is breaking curfew is to piss him off. Kenny tells Cam not to be such an "Oliver Stone" and that there aren't any "conthpirathy theorieth." He lisps so hard that spit hits Cam on the ear. I don't remember Kenny having this lisp before this episode. Headlights flash on Cam and Kenny as Cam sets his jaw and says, "Well! Fiiii - naah - leee." Kenny makes a few "Mom" jokes at him and Cam gives him a look. I yell, "Hit him!" but it doesn't happen.
Meghan walks in as Mary is sitting down to have a late-night snack in the World's Largest Kitchen. Meghan asks if Mary is waiting up. Mary says she wasn't. Meghan apologizes for breaking curfew and says that there was traffic. "Traffic." That means, "I'm still not good at a hand job." Mary says that Meghan wasn't really that late, so it's not that big of a deal. Her neck cords twitch, so I know that it really pained her to say that. Meghan flips her hair, flips her hair, flips her hair. She says that it's "public knowledge" that Mary and Mitch got "intimate kinda early on." She says that she knows it doesn't give her permission, but she's looking for some perspective. This kicks off a very bizarre conversation in which Meghan asks Mary about when she decided to first have sex. She asks if Mary had sex with Mitch in high school. This is where I realize that I really, really don't want to watch this television show anymore ever. Ever! Everybody say it with me. How old was Mary when she gave birth to Meghan? SEVENTEEN. How long is the gestation period for a human female? So, what is the very earliest she could have been riding the Mitch Pony? And what year of school is that? Remember how Meghan was up for Valedictorian? They must have been kidding. Meghan keeps apologizing and looking uncomfortable as Mary says it's no big deal. Mary says that she did have sex with Mitch in high school, but she already knew he was the man she was going to marry. I guess because she was PREGNANT, since Mitch has already complained that he wasn't ever planning on marrying Mary until she got knocked up. Meghan asks if there was someone else before Mitch. Mary chokes on her Froot Loop and says there was, and that she didn't love him but she did it anyway. Meghan asks if she still enjoyed it. Mary says that in some ways she did (excitement, discovery, etc.) but that there's always this "inner tug of regret" when she looks back on that day because she "shared something special with someone who wasn't special." Now, we all know who this "someone not special" was, and if we remember Mary's reaction to Jacob Perryhill's name during the reunion episode, we know that this boy can still light Mary's fire. We also know that they didn't just do it once. We were treated to several sex-dream flashbacks that episode. It's too bad that Mary feels the need to lie to Mitch and then Meghan about having sex before she ever met Mitch, or even conceived of Meghan. It's Mary's life, for Pete's sake. Mary asks Meghan if Trent is pressuring her. Meghan says she's really pressuring herself. She wants to explore things and what love and sex feel like. She thinks that she can only get sex without love right now and all of her friends are doing it, blah, blah. Mary says that she doesn't need Meghan to "go there" right now because she's aware that Meghan is growing up and attractive and that she's going to have opportunities, but she still considers Meghan to be her "baby girl." She tells Meghan that whatever decision she makes, as long as love is a part of it, she probably won't be disappointed. Meghan asks what if love isn't a part of it. Mary looks shocked and whispers, "Wow." Meghan is ashamed. Mary says that Meghan should think really hard about it because "you don't get a second chance at your first time." This kicks off the five-note Get Real jingle, which they've started kicking off right before the five notes so that it doesn't seem to be the same piece of music every time, but it really is. Meghan thanks Mary for talking and kisses her on the head. They exchange "love you"s as we go to commercial. You know, Debrah and Anne handled this scene really naturally. It's too bad the writing was really terrible, because I think they would have done a good job with it. They at least seemed like two people who cared about each other. If this show could just get some writers, they might be able to salvage something.
Well, Grandma's in the kitchen, so she must be getting ready to talk about sex. Every time they bring up sex they get an elderly person to speak like a member of Limp Bizkit. And right on cue Elizabeth asks, "So, Meghan? You gonna do it?" "Do what?" "Have sex with Trent?" Meghan asks why all of her conversations become public domain. Mary says that when Meghan went to her mom for advice she went to hers as well. Meghan says that even though Sideburns isn't her type she gets a funny feeling when she's around him like she's doing something she's not supposed to. Elizabeth says that Mary knows something about the "dangerous loner" too. Mitch. Meghan's all surprised, and I guess that's because she wasn't around earlier when Mary and Mitch were playing Whose Joint is It, Anyway? Mary says that Mitch was one in a million and that chances are Trent isn't. Elizabeth says that from her experience if Meghan is questioning, then she probably shouldn't do whatever it is that's making her hesitate. There's a way to tell a girl to go for her dreams, huh? Meghan thanks Elizabeth and Mary for the advice.
Cameron puts on his backpack and begins to walk out of his bedroom when he hears a "You've got mail" type of beep. Oh, for the record, remember the first episode when Cameron was complaining that he doesn't have his own bedroom? Apparently I'm the only one who remembers. Anyway, the beeping noise is coming from an iBook that is in a slightly open position on a beanbag. It's not in sleep mode, and apparently has some mega-battery allowing Cam to keep the thing running all day long upside-down in a pile of dirty boxer shorts. Cam picks up the Tangerine dream and sees that he's gotten a new email message. Not only does Cam's version of the iBook receive email without a phone jack or Airport, it also automatically opens email messages from crazy stalker-type boys who date sisters. We can read the screen as the Testosterone Guitar kicks in, but Cameron reads it for us because we're dumb. The subject is "Meghan." It's from Trent_Sykes@linkcomp.net and to Cameron_Green@maileze.com. Puleze. "There is only one reason Meghan got home late last night. And we both know what that is. Let's just say she left with a very big smile on her face. Friends forever, Trent." Cameron is so mad about this email intrusion from a near stranger that he has to start his mouth-breathing again and throws the iBook down as he storms out of the room. Thousands of geek girls scream, "NO! Save the machine! No!"
Meghan and Ferret break off from some conversation they were having outside the School Without Classes so Meghan can pass another "No Railsliding" sign. Cameron stops her and says that he needs to ask her a question and get the "Complete Green Family truth." Meghan shouldn't have to worry too much. Apparently the 'Green Family Truth' has side clauses so you can lie about your age, sexual experience, level of commitment, intent to commit adultery, level of friendship, marriage vows, curfew, punishment, and drug use. Meghan gets outraged. Cam explains that he got an email from Trent bragging about sniffing her bratty panties. Meghan honestly makes the same noise as Kyle's mom to say, "WHAT-WHAT-WHY did he do that?" Cameron says, "I don't know, maybe because he's got this psycho mind game thing, or maybe he doesn't like me." Meghan says that maybe Cam is "flipping for no reason." If my brother got an email from my boyfriend who hardly knows my brother about how far he's gotten with me I wouldn't try to blame it all on my brother. Maybe it's just me. Meghan tries to shush Cam as he goes on about how this guy is obviously a freak. Meghan offers this piece of brilliance: "Cameron, I like Trent, okay? The entire family likes Trent and if you and your Y-chromosome paranoia wants [sic] to get in the way of it, fine. But keep it to yourself." This argument now makes no sense because it's Trent who's spreading gossip and not Cam. Cam asks if Meghan did it and her hair whips around to say that if she had she wouldn't tell Cam but she hadn't. She stomps away as Cameron looks pleased.
Quick cut. "Sykes!" That's Cameron. He drops his backpack on the hallway of the School Without Classes. Sideburns is standing in the center of the hallway in a spotlight, arms outstretched like Robert Downey Jr. in Natural Born Killers right before Mickey and Mallory shoot him. Cameron walks up to Sideburns for the big fronting. They pull out the Homicide camera. Cam puts his hands on his hips, flips his head-grease, clenches his jaw and moseys over to Sideburns. "Meghan said...that nothing happened between you two." Sideburns pouts, "After what we did. Now that kind of comes as an insult." I can't believe this isn't a dream sequence. The spotlight still shines on the two of them as silent zombie students mill around them. Cam takes action. The camera shoots the line from six different angles like we're officially stuck in an Oliver Stone film. I keep looking around for Mallory, but she must be in Solitary. "Okay, you need to shut up and listen. For me, school is normally this peaceful situation, so when somebody jumps on my face, I gotta think there's a reason. A big reason. What's the reason, tough guy?" Sideburns looks down and says, "Okay. Little league. Bunch a years ago. All-star game. Me? I'm catching for North. You?" "I'm batting for South," Cameron interrupts. They are face-to-face as the Testosterone Guitar is picking up. The edits go back and forth. What? WHAT? This is all about a LITTLE LEAGUE GAME? Are they kidding? Cameron continues his memory. "I remember. I remember you being on my ass the entire game trying to break my concentration and lure me into a fight." "NO!" shouts Sideburns, who is taking this thing way too seriously. He reads his lines like Wesley explaining "To the Pain" to Humperdinck. We're talking full-on face twitches and sneers, fingers pointing all over the place as his sideburns get really outraged about the injustice. "There's a little more to it. Try this: You're on second. The guy up gets a base hit. You decide to do the Charlie Hustle and come barreling home. And the only thing I can remember after that collision is laying there with a blown-out knee. Looking up at you. Taunting me. Dancing on home plate." Cameron asks what Sideburns wants him to do. Cam says he's sorry. But Sideburns isn't done. "That's all I think about. And it's too late for sorry. Because baseball was all I had. And you took that away from me." You were NINE! GET OVER IT! And it's only getting worse, people.
First the sensitive five-note Get Real jingle (in its extended dance remix version) starts to delicately wail on oboe. I know you don't believe me, but Sideburns stole a copy of Extra-Crappy Little-Boy Monologues VII: Bad Dads and Blown Knees and begins the following piece of drivel: "And because I live with a father..." Sideburns pauses here to taste the bitter fluid that has backed up his throat (or the vomit from having to say these lines, I'm not sure) "...who's no longer interested in a son who can't play anymore. He practically disowned me." You were nine. NINE! Even Cam can't keep a straight face as he says, "All this from just one little afternoon." "One little afternoon that you walked away from. This time you don't walk away." Cameron hears my pleas to shut him up and interrupts Sideburns to say, "Oh, my God you need to get over yourself! Are you even listening?" That might, MIGHT have saved the scene, but the writers ruin it by giving Cam the following lines: "It's not what happens to you, man, it's what you do about it." Sideburns gets all nose-to-nose and sneers up his lip so high that he looks like Templeton and hisses, "I am doing something about it." "You wanna get down with me?" Cameron doesn't say this any louder than he's said any of the past lines, but now all of a sudden the entire school stops to stare at the two boys in the spotlight that they've been listening to in obedient silence for the past five minutes. "Because I will get down with you anyway you want." You know, I'm all for homoerotica in teen dramas, but this just isn't sexy at all. The silent students have started milling around again. Cam puts his nose up to Sideburns's and says that Sideburns will have to leave Meghan out of this. "Oooh, sorry. Can't do that, dude. See, we're a thing now." "All right, fine," Cam's jaw clenches, "I'm left with no option. So let's get it on. ME. YOU. BLEACHERS. TOMORROW NIGHT." A group of silent students stands in a chorus line and watches. "And if I win? You and Meghan are history." Sideburns smiles and says, "All right. Fine by me. But won't that be strike three for you?" Apparently he has no real interest in Meghan and has only transferred to this school when he got the memo that Cameron was on his second strike. What the fuck ever. Man, I'm sorry, Wing. I know we're not supposed to curse too much in this things, but this piece of shit television show makes me want to fucking cuss. It's such crap. CRAP! THIS SHOW IS SO STUPID! STUPID! JESUS! WHY? WHY AM I IN THIS PRE-TEEN CRAP HELL? WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? WHO DRESSES LIKE THIS? WHO CHALLENGES PEOPLE TO A FIGHT AT THE BLEACHERS AT NIGHT OVER HIS SISTER'S VIRGINITY? WHO? At least Three O' Clock High had humor in it. At least My Bodyguard had Matt Dillon. This has nothing. NOTHING. The bleachers. Give me a break. Stupid. Dammit. Damn. Dammity-damn-damn-hell.
Back at Go Ask Kenny, Victor and No-Neck finally decide to smoke the damn -- I mean darn -- joint. They smoke it in Kenny's garage. They don't actually smoke it on-screen, but they hold it like they mean it. Seconds later they sit in a smoky room on a couch saying things like "wow" and "dude" and "I just said 'wow.'" Yeah, I haven't been this amused with depictions of drug use since Reefer Madness.
We watch two grown men walk down the School Without Classes Staircase wearing letter jackets and beards. We hear them speak in a voice-over. "Hey, did you hear that Cameron Green is going to get the crap beat out of him by Trent Sykes tonight?" They laugh, and Meghan whips her head around to find out who dares speak on the Greens-Only Staircase and dares to talk out loud when a Green member is roaming the hallway. I thought no one knew Trent Sykes. Whatever. Meghan is walking through what appears to be a soccer field (with game in progress) demanding to know why Sideburns plans to fight her brother. "It's plain and simple. Your brother. He's doing all the aggressing." Meghan snorts and says, "Yeah, I don't know, Trent. My brother's a lot of things, but he's not very big on unprovoked fights." We just watched him have unprovoked fight after unprovoked fight last episode with Kenny, but whatever. Sideburns says that one day they just looked at each other wrong and since then Cam's had it out for him because he's dating Meghan. Meghan asks if this is a "little brother thing." Sideburns says it must be. He's wearing a jacket he borrowed from Beck. Meghan says that Cam said that Sideburns said that they had sex. Sideburns denies it, which is technically true. Sideburns says that that's the kind of thing a little brother would say when he doesn't like the boy his sister is seeing. No it isn't, but it kicks off the five-note Get Real jingle anyway as he grabs her and tries to "Get Real" with her. Unfortunately he sounds like Crispin Glover. "We have a connection here, okay? I know it and I know you know it. For the first time in my life I want to stay put. And I, I don't think that we should let a little thing like a little brother come between what we have." Man, do not tell the Center of the Universe what to do, buddy. There's lesson number one. Get a haircut. That's lesson number two. Get a stylist. Number three. Shut up. That's a bonus free lesson. Meghan interrupts me to brat out, "As much as it may not matter to you, I love my little brother, and if you fight then we don't have anything, do you understand that?" The Center of the Universe has spoken.
Mitch is sitting in a room I haven't seen before in the Green Mansion. It's like a greenhouse with a covered picnic table. Meghan walks up and asks if Mitch's brain has any room to talk to a daughter. Who talks to their parents this much? Mitch offers a space to the "new job and pregnancy files." Mitch says he's pretty sure he knows what Meghan is going to talk about anyway. Meghan has a look like, "Even you know I'm thinking about having meaningless sex?" until Mitch says that Cam is planning on fighting Sideburns. Mitch says that Mary doesn't know about it and that she's got enough stuff to worry about. He says he wishes he had some "magical Dad wisdom," but he's a lousy dad and was asleep the day they were handing that out. He says he'll do what he can with Cameron. "I think you gotta talk to Trent. Give him a chance to make the right choice." He says that maybe Trent will make the right one. Meghan thanks him. "Well, like I said, no magical Dad wisdom." No, sir. Since she already DID THAT and he chose to FIGHT CAMERON. Meghan then says, "Then why do I feel better?" and continues being a little suck-ass as she puts her bratty head on Daddy's shoulder.
Mitch the Magical Dad doesn't have time to powder his princess' bottom, however, because he's got to talk to Cameron, who is sitting in some other dark, shady greenhouse-type room on Green Manor. "I could call the cops. I could call his parents. I could escort you there myself, but something tells me this is one thing you gotta go through on your own." That's Mitch. Father of the Year. He asks if this is something Cameron started, or if Sideburns started it. Cam says it's just something he has to do. He's all mouth-breathing and jaw-clenching as he explains it's something he got "caught into doing." He says he "can't not do this" because Meghan is his sister. Mitch offers to try and stop it, but Cam says he'd find a way to do it anyway. "You know a good parent probably wouldn't let you go out that door." So, feel free to walk out anytime, Cam. Cam says that a good parent probably would, so that he's still in the running with Princess Daddybottom for Kiss-Ass of the Year. Too bad the doobie brother in the garage is out of the running. There's some sort of goo in the corner of Cam's eye as Mitch asks him to not get hurt. Mitch leaves as Cameron runs his fingers through his hair grease.
Motorcycle noise. We see Sideburns as he says, "Oh, man, Meghan. Definition of 'not a good time.'" "Watching this show?" I offer, but I think he was being "rhetorical" or something. "I came here to tell you the answer to all of your questions is 'Yes.'" "Yes?" "Yes. I realize the only way to stop you from fighting is to be here for you. Completely. Here for you." Meghan attempts to be sultry here, but it comes off like someone is sticking her in the back with an ice pick. "So, a choice. You and me, now. Or, you and me, never." Whoa. Way to take Daddy's advice to heart, girlie. Like he can't pump you twice and still get to the bleachers by eight? You really are a virgin. "A choice, huh?" Sideburns laughs. "I don't know, it sounds more like a test." Idiot. "You know what? It is a test, and I'm just trying to prove that everyone's wrong." Sideburns says there's somewhere he's really got to be right now (as if she didn't know where he was going. What's with the cryptic talk?) but he can come back later and get it on with her. Meghan's sex smile fades and she tells him to forget it. Sideburns says he knows that she can't understand this, and Meghan brats and eye-rolls about how she's tired of hearing about that "it's a guy thing." She doesn't want to hear any of that. Sideburns says, "You know what? Fine. Have it your way. But you know what? Someday you're gonna come looking for me and I am not gonna be here." "You know what, Trent? You were never there." You know what? You know what? You know what? Oh, sorry. Just caught up in the brilliant Mad Libs writing. Trent puts on his helmet and motorcycles off as Meghan starts to yell, "Trent! Trent, don't do this!" But what he heard, she'll never know. Fade to white. Commercial.
No time for commercial mockery, there's even more crap in store.
The entire school has shown up at the bleachers, because I know that when I was in high school the coolest thing in the world was an eight o'clock bashing by the football field. One kid has brought a boom box. I'm not kidding. They've also got half these kids dressed in flannel. What the hell? Anyway, the usually silent kids are mumbling to each other that Cam and Sideburns are late and that they might not show up. The same kid who was laughing about Cameron getting beat up now shouts, "No way Cameron Green backs down, man!" Meghan is standing in the middle of it, looking around. From a corner of the action, we see Principal Foreshadowing, wearing a hat and a leather jacket that screams, "Pulp Fiction, here I come!" "You need any help out there --" Ferret exhales to Meghan. "-- I'll be right here," Clay finishes, and Meghan gets visibly wet. This is so worth her little brother getting beat up. Meghan giggles that her whole dangerous boyfriend thing sort of backfired. Clay walks away as Ferret says, "We'll find you a guy." Meghan keeps her eyes stuck on Clay. Ferret is such an idiot. "A good guy. Like Clay." We watch Clay be cute and silent for a few seconds. Meghan looks guilty and you can tell she's about to say, "I miss the taste of his saliva." Principal Foreshadowing walks in a different direction.
Cut to Mitch and Mary in their car. Mary is talking Pregnant Babble about how she's sick of "low-fat this and low-fat that." You know how pregnant women are always talking all crazy and how you just have to ignore them? Well, Mitch ignores her and watches the town's population of high schoolers who have gathered at night around the bleachers. He drives all slow as if he's casing the place.
A group of students stand in a circle cheering. We pan up from their backs to the center of the circle where we see one kid playing Hacky-Sack. Not even good Hacky-Sack. Whatever that is. The ball is just going up and down on this kid's foot, but these kids are whooping and shouting like the Hacky Sack is levitating. We pan up again, and this time we pan down to Ferret, Clay and Meghan sitting on the roof of the one car in the parking lot. Attention! Attention! Will the owner of the only car in the lot, the Red Beetle, please return to your vehicle? Your lights are on. Again, the one car in the lot? Your lights are on. Thank you.
Principal Foreshadowing walks through the football field braving the sprinklers. I don't know what he's looking for, but apparently it's much cooler to be a wet principal.
We cut to Cameron slamming Sideburns into a fence. They roll around on the fence with their teeth clenched. Fence slam. Fence slam. Fence slam. There's a lot of sand-kicking and half-nelsons. They yell in strain.
Principal Foreshadowing stands in the middle of the wet field. They have him at such a distance that they've finally successfully made him look like Morgan Freeman.
Cam and Sideburns hurl themselves into a pile of trash bags and trashcans. They struggle on the ground as the "techno" music chants, "You wanna piece of me? You wanna piece of me? You wanna piece of me?"
The students continue to cheer on their hippie athlete. The Hacky Sack might make two hundred bounces!
Cam and Sideburns are covered in sand and are rolling around clutching each other. Again, if you want to film good homoerotica, then you've got to show us what the hands are doing. I need to see some sweat. Dammit, this is all wrong. At least give me one butt shot. They just keep filming shoulders and backs. Shoulders and backs. Tops of heads. Jaw. Jaw. Shoe.
Meghan hugs Ferret goodbye, so I assume she's just not going to wait around anymore. No sex, no fighting. What a crappy night for Meghan. Clay watches Meghan leave but Ferret doesn't notice.
Fighting continues at the Little League of Their Own. Shot of boot. Shot of shoe. Cameron looks hurt. He kicks Sideburns in the stomach, and he goes flying.
Principal Foreshadowing still looks both ways in the empty, watery field. How long does this scene have to go on? Principal Foreshadowing walks off. Behind him, in the distance, we see Sideburns hit the fence. I grab my Visine, open the nozzle, and dump the bottle into my eye to get my eyeball unstuck from my cerebellum.
Dumb Plot Three: Victor and Kenny have moved on to a diner, where they are drooling over desserts. The clock says it's seven. Hire a continuity person, people. Kenny tells Victor he's always been jealous of Victor's dog. Kenny says their dog just sits there but Victor's dog does tricks. I think that Victor is jealous of Kenny's dog because it gets more screen time than he does, and that dog was only in the first episode. Victor says that he feels lucky to be Kenny's friend. He loves him. He prays that they'll be friends forever. Kenny wishes he could be more like Victor. Victor says he loves Kenny. Kenny says he loves Victor. Victor says he's always been attracted to Mary.
How was that comic relief, kids? You ready to go back to the "real world" now? Where boys are mean and want to fight? Principal Foreshadowing is standing at the bottom of the bleachers. Cam stands at the top. He has on those sunglasses from earlier. There are no more students anywhere. Principal Foreshadowing says he heard there was going to be a fight. Oh, I'm not transcribing this scene moment by moment because you've gotta know how it goes. They talk "hypothetically." Cam says of course there wouldn't be a fight because someone could get in trouble. Principal says that the announcement of the fight would be a good idea because they could cause a distraction and fight somewhere else without getting in trouble. Cameron plays coy. Principal plays dumb. They say that in fights there aren't any winners. Cameron says to us that in this case there sure was a loser: "And it sure as hell wasn't me." He picks up his hood like L.L Cool J in "Mama Said Knock You Out." I know who the loser is, Cam. Me. For watching this entire hour of television.
Cam's got a black eye, to which he immediately applied frozen peas in the World's Largest Kitchen. Meghan asks if something happened when she sees his black-eyed pea. He says he fell off his skateboard. She says that he doesn't have his skateboard. He says he has it now. They share a really weird moment. Maybe Meghan's a virgin, but something tells me the King of Physical might be getting a little sumin-sumin with Anne Hathaway behind the scenes. They share quite the brother-sister hug/kiss. It's not right for the only sexual energy in the entire show to take place between family members. Mary freaks out about Cam's eye and Meghan says it was a skateboard thing. Mary gets all sad and pregnanty. Mitch asks if everything's okay and they share a knowing look. Kenny walks in and Cam hands him his sunglasses. "Somebody wanted you to have these," he says. "Who?" Kenny asks. "Me," the world says in unison. Kenny is still wearing that ridiculous jacket. The five-note Get Real jingle is still going on. Victor picks an apple off the World's Largest Kitchen's table and starts eating it as Kenny finds another rolled joint in the pocket of the Oldest Pocket-Protector of the Dork Jacket. Victor says that jacket is like "a home entertainment center." Kenny turns around and sees his parents walking around the living room and says he thinks they should give it back. Victor is appropriately outraged. "You're still high." Kenny says he doesn't want to trash his parent's trust. Apparently he got the memo that he had been knocked down the Brown-Nose Pole. Mitch and Mary walk in on cue and throw the keys at him and ask him to pull the car out of the garage for them. Where are they going at this hour? Kenny turns to them and hands them the joint. He says that there was another one, but they smoked it. Mary is wearing a blue life vest over a black tunic. As Kenny finishes his apology the camera pulls back and suddenly Elizabeth is at the sink washing dishes. I guess we've learned another Green Family trait: Teleportation. Mitch takes the keys and sentences Kenny to two weeks of house arrest. I thought all three of them were still supposed to be grounded from that "Rave" two weeks ago, but whatever. Mary tells Kenny and Victor that even though they were experimenting, they should know that the pot was over twenty years old. Elizabeth fulfills her two-line contract for the week by saying, "That pot was so old it couldn't get a cat high." Cue five-note Get Real jingle. Victor and Kenny walk into one of the dark rooms of the mansion to say that they can't even remember anything that they said when they were not-high, blah, blah, blah, predictablecakes. Victor checks out Mary's ass.
Meghan and Clay are in their Secret Lovers spot (which is currently unoccupied since the Center of the Universe needs it). Clay asks if Meghan's okay. I love it when writers try to make us think that these two characters have been standing here the whole time and didn't bother to have any conversations between the last time they saw each other and this exact moment. Meghan doesn't answer, so Clay takes it as a no. Clay asks if she wants to talk, but she says she doesn't think he wants to hear about it. Clay figures it's about Trent and remarks that he never considered the fact that being her friend would mean he'd have to listen to her talk about guy problems. "I told you you didn't want to hear about it," Meghan interrupts. "Let me finish," Clay interrupts again. He tilts his head to talk to her and when he does his larnyx gets a little crushed or something and his voice starts coming out like his throat is all coated in milk. "But if that's what it takes to keep you in my life, then so be it." He asks her to talk to him, unless she's too upset. Meghan starts to "cry" and tilts her head away and asks, "Um...so how's it going with Amy?" "I take that as a 'yes,'" Clay says and says that things are just "going" with Ferret. You can see Meghan clenching her toes and sticking her nails in her palms to drudge up some tears, but nothing's happening. Clay says that he's always heard that when it comes to two people it's all about --" "Timing," Meghan finishes. Clay agrees and says they have it, "But it's just bad," they say in unison. Yeah. It is just bad. All of it. The five-note Get Real jingle starts up as Clay pats Meghan on the back and says he has to help Ferret with her Chem. Meghan's busy with the hair-tucking anyway, so Clay makes a clean getaway. Meghan and I watch Clay's butt leave. If loving that butt is wrong, then we don't want to be right. Meghan walks over to the edge of her Secret Lovers place so she can see all that she rules from her throne. She oversees Cameron putting things into his locker. She pans over ten feet and sees Sideburns also making his required locker check -- except he's emptying out his locker. Mess with a Green kid and you're getting transferred again, buddy. I guess since he didn't have any classes, and he's out of girls to pretend to screw and has no more vendettas, he might as well find another school. Or perhaps he should start saving up for that midlife crisis he's headed towards year. Close-up on Cameron. The makeup artist from Outbreak has given Cameron one big, blotchy pus-eye. Close up on Sideburns. Makeup artist has gone nuts. I start screaming with laughter. There's an incredibly deliciously long close-up on Sideburns so I can see the butterfly stitch in his eyebrow, the mumps they gave his cheeks, the circular bruise around his lips, the pus crusted in the corner of his mouth, the bruise that goes into his hairline, and the bruise in the divot of his chin. What didn't they bruise? His huge-ass nose. I'm not kidding, this kid's schnoze is really out there. They tried to counter with the big, fluffy hair, but it didn't work. You'd think Cameron could have laid a good one on this kid's honker. Sideburns nods at Cameron as if to say, "You sure beat my ass. I suck." He then looks up at Princess Bratty-Hymen who gives him the cold stare. Another close-up on the yellow pus on Sideburns's lip. He shuts the locker in slow motion, picks up his box of belongings (!) and then walks out of our lives forever. Don't let the door hit your pussy ass on the way out, man.
Meghan turns around to watch her kingdom from the other side of her throne. She sees Kenny wearing that stupid jacket and glasses talking to Victor. Their DNA hasn't visibly changed yet. She looks farther away and sees Ferret gooping on Clay. The other students mill around them silently. Clay and Ferret hug as the gospel singers start kicking in. My sweet ambrosia signaling the end of another episode of pain. Meghan bits her lip and walks away from her throne. She walks down the Greens-Only staircase as Cameron is walking up. They see each other. They smile a "So that's how it is in their family" smile. Cameron stretches out his hand. Meghan takes it. They share a clutching in the hallway. They walk in separate directions as Cam checks out Meghan's ass and Meghan looks down with a blush. I'm not making this up. Fade to white on this very Hotel New Hampshire moment.
week Ferret's gonna bust Meghan about Clay. I'm so there. I have no choice. But I'm so happy they're writing Ferret out of this show finally. Mary's baby has no heart, but I don't know why that worries the rest of the family. I thought that was a trait. And Kenny goes to confession, saying he's sure he's killed someone. I guess they're already recycling the "Killed Kenny" jokes. And if you guys want me to keep reviewing this show, you're gonna have to start paying me in crack or something. I gave up cigarettes this year, and this show is really trying my soul.