Denial

S01E10

Kenny is covering a tree trunk with some fake snow. A big ol' Good Ol' Boy walks over to Kenny and stands in his light. "Who here can sell me a tree?" he asks with a huge "Texas" accent. Kenny stammers that it's his first day and that he can find someone, but Good Ol' Boy interrupts to say that he hasn't got all day. Kenny asks what he'd like. GOB says he "could [big ol' sic] care less." He points at some scrawny tree and asks for that one. Kenny turns back around and notices GOB's huge belt buckle. It says, of course, "Texas," and I think that's the closest to a shout-out that I'm ever going to see here at Mighty Big TV. Kenny knows he can outsmart this big ol' hick, so he whines that he guesses he could sell GOB that tree. "Somin' wrong wid da tree?" Yee-haw! Kenny says that the tree is a bit small and you know that people would judge him with a tree that small. He asks GOB what such a small tree suggests about the owner. "I guess I'd think the guy didn't make much munney." He's wearing a bolo. Kenny says that it's unfortunate, but the truth is that people judge people by the size of their tree. Kenny, Kenny, Kenny. It's not the size of the tree, it's where you hang the ornaments that counts. But of course this GOB is gonna be side-swaggled by this young hustler and asks Kenny to show him the big trees. After loading a Redwood onto the top of this man's SUV, he offers cleaning and removal services for a small price more. "Don't get greedy, son," GOB drawls and then high-tails it into the sunset. Kenny squeals (really, he squeals) that he just sold two hundred and eighty dollars worth of "stuff." "Not even," Cam says as he and the Christmas Tree Boss walk over. Kenny and Cam have to wear these silly Elf hats, but CTB doesn't have to. Another car pulls up and Cam offers to get this one, but CTB says to give his one to Kenny, because, "he's on a roll." I guess one sale is a "roll."

I hear the opening strains of the song for the scene and I start crying. You have to understand that every time I go home for the holidays there is only one CD allowed in the stereo. It plays all Christmas Eve. It plays during the five-hour gift opening ceremony. It plays at Christmas dinner. It is the Time-Life Classics collection of Christmas hits. It has every single holiday song butchered into complete agony. My least favorite song on the TWO-CD SET is Dolly Parton singing Winter Wonderland. I can name that tune in one note, Bill. And that one note started up. I try very hard every year to escape those hits until that mandatory twenty-four hours of Bing, Dolly, Elvis and Wayne, and friggin' Get Real has to go and make me sit through that horrid song three friggin' days before I have to. My sleigh bells are all in a pinch. Mary is walking though a department store and finds a candleholder. She picks it up. A woman beelines over to her and shouts, "Where did you get that?" Mary checks to make sure that she's not holding either a Pikachu or a Tickle Me Elmo and that it is indeed just a candlestick holder and says, "Right here. I think it's the last one, but you can have it." "Thanks, but I need a hundred." It's MC Lyte. No, I'm not kidding. It's really, really, really MC Lyte. (St. Clare, the patron saint of Television, weeps.) MC Lyte says that she's been picked to throw "one of those millennium parties" as if this is some bizzare thing like these "Raves" they keep hearing the kids talk so much about. Mary asks if it's a corporate party. Lyte As a Rock says it's for a law firm. Mary asks if she has a location. Lyte admits that she hasn't even mailed the invitations. Mary says that she can help because she's a Professional Party Planner and gives MC Lyte a card. Mary says that she can help her without a problem. She slips her day planner and the candlestick holder in her purse. As she turns to leave, Store Security asks to see in her purse. He grabs the candlestick and asks if she has a receipt. Mary looks completely guilty.

She takes off after Clay yelling for him to slow down. Hey, you joined him, girlie. Clay sits in front of his house as Meghan clomps up to join him. For some reason Clay is in a voice-over saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, Meghan Green crosses the finish line." I guess I wasn't supposed to know it was a voice-over, but Clay's mouth wasn't moving. Meghan says that he's really serious about "this running thing," and Clay says that he runs ten miles a day to keep in shape for cross-country. She says that this is the most painful thing that she's ever done, so why would he do this? "Because I can," he snarks. (I think I'm supposed to mention to you guys that Clay is played by Scott Vickaryous, who played Max Ballard on Breaker High. Apparently that means something to the Canadians. My Canadian television viewing ended when Nickelodeon cancelled Fifteen.) After Clay's pithy statement, he opens the door to his house. Meghan looks in and sees a woman in a wheelchair working on a computer. I don't see a computer, but we hear keyboard noises so that we can infer that's what she's doing. "Hey, Mom! I'm, uh, gonna get ready for school." Meghan's hair is confused as Clay slams the door in her face. If I remember, Meghan should remember. Clay met Ferret when Ferret's mom helped his mom recover after her horrible car accident. Remember? Of course we do.

Clay's door turns into paneling in the World's Largest Kitchen as Mary gets off the phone and Mitch walks into the house. Mary asks him to pick a name from her Santa hat for a gift exchange, but Mitch is too busy thinking about his own problems. He's mad because a letter was returned to him. Apparently it's from his brother, and even though he's used to not getting any cards from him, the least his brother could do was send a forwarding address. Hey, Mitch, since you never really think of anybody but yourself, and this is the first time we've ever heard of you having a brother, why would you expect everyone to call? Remember your dead best friend? Why aren't you inviting their family over for Christmas? Just a suggestion. Mary stands and asks Kenny to pick a name. She starts walking around looking in pots and pans as Meghan walks in. Kenny asks if Meghan went running and she says she did, and that if he finds her lungs on the street she'd like them back. Ha.

Mary starts yelling that she cannot find the Scotch tape and if someone in the house is going to borrow something that she's using, then the least they could do is return it. Kenny tells her that it's in her hand. She says "oh." Meghan and Kenny share a "Mom's turning into the grandmother from Parenthood" look. Oh, and remember, Scotch Tape. Scotch Tape. For when you're pregnant and bossy and dammit you just want some people to pick some damn names out of a damn hat. Is that too damn much to ask? Mary tells Cameron to pick a name, "and if you get me, no Limp Bizkit CD, please." How hip are these people, I ask you? I mean with the constant pop culture references, whose World's Largest Kitchen is this: the Green family, or Dennis Miller's? Elizabeth picks a name. Cameron says that he got Kenny. "Great. I'm Grinched." Cameron says that he gets great gifts. Kenny scoffs. "Relax. Big Brother's gonna treat you right," Cameron bastardizes the English language to say. "Oh, like you treated Dad last year?" "What? That was a great shirt." "Which you're wearing right now," Mitch mumbles. Kenny laughs. "Hey, my gifts rock." "They're lame." Cameron says that Kenny had better be careful, "Or Santa's gonna open up a can of whoop-ass on you, boy!" He puts Kenny in the brotherly headlock as the rest of the family (and me) begs him to stop. "Kenny, you've got to stop picking on your brother," Elizabeth takes it upon herself to say, "and Cameron, I love ya, but your gifts suck." Dear, sweet, sweet Grandma. Voice of an angel. Cameron slaps Kenny and they run off. Flash of white light. Meghan is kissing "Just Friends" Clay until Mary interrupts her fantasy. "You didn't pick a name," Mary says. Meghan looks at Mary with this sheepish grin as if Mary had just caught Meghan masturbating. Flash of white light and opening credits, which are too damn short -- and while we're on the subject, why doesn't this show ever go to commercial after the opening credits?

Cue Testosterone Guitar. In the School Without Classes the bell rings so that everyone can walk in the hall. Ferret is making my ears bleed by thanking Meghan for the Ani DiFranco Import. "HEEI HI HIIE!" Meghan says it's no big deal. Ferret hands Meghan her gift. It's a photo. Meghan only opens it halfway so that we can see just Meghan and Ferret in the picture. "It's from the wedding," Meghan says, and then opens the other half of the gift so we can see that Meghan's arms are around both Ferret and Clay. "The frame is handmade," Ferret ferrets. Slut Girl Jodie walks up behind them. "Thank you, Amy, it, it, it's beautiful." Ferret sees Clay at his locker. So do Meghan and Slut Girl. There's an awkward moment where Sharon feels that Rayanne might be imposing on her relationship with Angela. Ferret says she'll see Meghan at work. Slut Girl asks if Meghan really traded her Christmas vacation for a job. Meghan says she's gift-wrapping "at Bloomies." "The two of you? Together? Merrily wrapping presents? Now that's classic." "Why?" Meghan asks. "Oh, I don't know, maybe it could be because you only stuck your tongue down her boyfriend's throat at the 'Rave'?" Meghan asks why she tells Slut Girl anything. She says that they've talked it over and that they're just friends. Slut Girl reminds Meghan that they were avoiding each other. Meghan says that they go to the same school, and since it never has classes they were bound to bump into each other every once in a while. Plus they went jogging together. Meghan stops her bratting to see Clay and Ferret sharing a -- "Who's on my back? Is that you?" -- moment that would bring a tear to John Hughes' glass eye. "Jogging?" Slut Girl asks. "Shut up!" Meghan retorts.

Elizabeth is pulling things out of a box as the opening credits are still rolling. She holds up some manger thing. She says it was her mother's, and it was "blessed by some Pope -- Pius...or John..." St. Clare, the patron saint of Television, asks me politely to turn the television off. Her soul is aching. Sorry, Clare, I've got work to do. Five people rely on my recaps every week to get them through their day. I can't let Kisle and wigbee down. Clare argues with me that she's saved over three thousand people, so she really has some seniority. I give her the stink-eye. Anyway, back to the less interesting conversation, Elizabeth suggests putting her manger thing on the mantle as a centerpiece. Mitch says that would be fine, but Elizabeth looks up and sees the Menorah there already. With a look that says, "Oh, right. The Jew," she says that he's already got something there. She says that this is his house and she doesn't want to put the Baby Jesus to his Menorah. He says that this is her first Christmas with them, and that if it would make her feel better to put the manger up then it'd be fine. "Besides, Baby Jesus was a Jew," he says, and Elizabeth puts the manger up. She gives the manger a little shove so the Menorah gets pushed a bit off-center.

On to the Subplot To Warm the Cockles Of Your Heart. Kenny and Cameron pull up to some Christmas tree lot and Kenny says that he hopes Cam told the boss that this is his first job. Cam tells Kenny to relax, and that he can't believe he let his dad talk him into getting Kenny this job. Christmas Tree Boss walks over to the two of them and asks if this is his new salesman. Introductions are made. They pull out the circular camera for CTB's monologue about how important it is to sell trees and that the customer is not a friend. The customer never thinks of them until two weeks before Christmas and won't again starting Christmas Eve. High-pressure business, blah, blah, blah. Unneccessary close-up. Unnecessary close-ups on handshakes. Again. Again. CTB tells Kenny to listen to his brother and he'll be a superstar. Kenny asks Cam what he should do. Cam tells Kenny to follow his lead. His lead, unfortunately, involves lots of hair flipping and head tilting. Since Kenny has tight curls and no neck, this is going to be difficult. Cam tells Kenny to try not to screw up. Lordy, I'm tired.

Mary is at the doctor's office and while they take a very long time to take her blood pressure they discuss that having a baby "after thirty-five" (they are no longer being specific about anyone's age on this show) can be quite difficult. Mary says she feels fine. The doctor tells Mary some horror story about "Gestational Diabetes and a twelve-pound baby." Mary says she's just fine. The doctor says that maybe Mary will be one of the lucky ones. Nice bedside manner, babe.

"Who gives socks for Christmas?" Ferret chirps, as she and Meghan stuff boxes. "They're called 'Grandparents,'" Meghan "Monotone Means Comedy" Green shoots back. Ferret sets them up and Meghan knocks them down, people. Ferret asks what she should buy Clay for Christmas. Meghan puts on her awkward face and keeps it on for the remainder of the scene. She says she hasn't a clue. Ferret says that Clay has been acting "so weird" lately, and that he won't answer her invitation to spend Christmas skiing with her family. Quick question: If your mother were in a wheelchair, would you be traipsing off to ski with your new girlie-girl on Christmas? Don't worry, it's rhetorical. "Oh, well, maybe it's just family stuff," Ferret decides. Meghan asks how long Clay's mom has been in a wheelchair. Ferret stops all wrapping to give Meghan a look. "He told you about that?" Three episodes ago, kid. Meghan says it sort of "came up." "A few years ago. It was terrible. They actually had to cut Clay and his mother out of the car. She had like thirteen hours of surgery and ended up paralyzed." Meghan asks about Clay's dad. "I only know he left." "Clay doesn't talk about him?" "Not to me." Meghan gives the One-Up smile as Ferret asks for Meghan's finger. It's to help wrap, not to poke her in the eye, as I was wishing so desperately might happen. Close-up on bow.

Mitch and Laura the Pretty Project Engineer are talking building talk as they pack up their things. Mitch makes a joke about not seeing her until "year." He offers a handshake for Merry Christmas. Laura asks if they are doing anything special for Christmas. He says that they're pretty traditional -- just presents, cider, and Miracle on 34th Street "until the coma kicks in." Laura "just remembers" that she's got a gift for him. She turns to the right and picks up the giant bag that was at her feet. I guess the two of them never bothered to look down? She pulls it out of the bag. It's a suitcase-shaped gift wrapped with a bow. Mitch says she didn't have to and that he didn't get her anything because he didn't know they were exchanging gifts. She says that it's fine and that she didn't give him any warning. Mitch puts the suitcase-shaped gift down on the table like it's a suitcase that he's about to open and opens up the suitcase. Somehow, he's still surprised. She turns it over so that he can see it's engraved with his initials "MLG." He's all "Oh, my God" and stuff and says that he can't accept it. She's like, "No, it's no big deal." Of course it's yours, Mitch, it's engraved. It's not like she can give it back. Unless Mary's middle name is "Lynn," you're keeping it, buddy. He says that he's usually a good gift giver and she says that year she'll find out first-hand. He says that he really shouldn't, so of course she insists. And...scene.

Cut to Ferret screeching, "Later!" as Meghan gives her a look that says, "I hope you aren't planning on kissing our boyfriend." Ferret says that she'll see Meghan at Elizabeth's "open house." Meghan reminds her that it's mandatory. Non-descript woman walks in and asks which one is Meghan Green. Meghan says she is. Non-descript woman says that they arrested some lady up in housewares for shoplifting and she says she's her mother. Sensitive shoplifting music plays as we finally go to a commercial.

When David Arquette calls Courteney to tell him that he got the lowest score possible in bowling, do you think she answers, "Oh, Honey! Everyone already knows you're the biggest loser in America!"

Mary is on the phone ordering "ten cases of Dom" because she's the Center of the Universe, dammit, and she just booked another party. She promises to bring a deposit by that afternoon. Meghan is bratting (silently, thank St. Clare) behind her. Meghan is trying to get Mary's attention, but Mary is too busy complaining that MC Lyte doesn't have call waiting "in this day and age." Man, Mary, give the girl a break. Did you buy As Bad As I Wanna Be? Didn't think so. Meghan freaks and gives Mary a "Mom!" of a lifetime and Mary turns towards her. "Did I just like, imagine that you were caught shoplifting?" Mary tells Meghan to calm her bitchy britches down. Meghan says that this is a big deal. Mary promises that if she ever goes to a life of crime it will be for more than "just a candle holder." Is it just a candle holder, Mary? Is it? Mary says that she's glad Meghan was there to put in a good word (which I guess dropped the charges) and that she's happy that Meghan will keep it between the two of them. Mary then realizes that she parked in a completely different location than where she is standing. Oh, how wacky are those pregnant women?

Meanwhile, back at the So We Can Learn Something About the True Nature of Christmas plot, Kenny is talking a dog owner into buying a larger tree so that her dog won't knock it over as easily. He gives Cam the sneer as he says, "The big ones are in the back." Cam sneers back. Cam loads a puny tree on top of a car.

In a very special moment brought to you by Apple, Mitch searches the Internet using his G4 -- get your G4 now before the holidays leave you dry! He's looking for his long-lost brother, of course. Mary asks if she can use the machine, and Mitch shows us the special G4 see-through mouse to minimize the Phone Book window on his Flat Monitor (get yours now!) so quickly that it looks like he was reading www.spreadrealwide.com. Mitch asks how Mary's day was. She says it was uneventful. She kicks the Suitcase of Adultery. She asks whom it's from. He says that it's from "that project engineer." "This is from Laura?" Mitch says it's kind of embarrassing because he didn't get Laura anything. "Honey, you know you can't keep this, right?" Mitch looks at Mary like, "Can't hit my wife now. It's Christmas." He says that he can't give it back because it would embarrass her. Mary says that a gift like that means something. He says that it doesn't mean anything to him. He says he'll never use it. She asks what he'd think if a single man had given her an expensive gift. Mitch: "It's monogrammed!" Mary exhales. "An attractive single man." Mitch says he'll give it back. Mary says that's good because he doesn't want to send the wrong signal. If the signal is "self-absorbed asshole," then don't worry about it. I'm reading it just fine.

Elizabeth is walking around the house greeting their "friends." She stops in front of one couple and says that it's so great they came: "It's been too long." "Thank you," the woman says as she grabs a glass from Elizabeth's tray. Elizabeth walks over to Mitch and Mary and asks who those people are. It's the Johnsons from across the street. "We stopped inviting them years ago, and they still come!" Mitch says. Whee! We're so popular even the un-populars crash our parties! It's so nice to be rich and successful and have a large family, the World's Largest Kitchen, and be the Center of the Universe. Now, if only we all weren't burdened with these horrible, horrible problems. Meghan simply cannot be happy until she decides if she wants to have a boyfriend of her dreams or a life-long best friend. Mary won't be happy until she gets ten cases of Dom for her really expensive party for some rock star turned lawyer. Mitch has to decide if he wants to give an expensive gift back to a generous, sexy blonde! I mean it's a terrible thing to have to go through these things right around the holidays, isn't it? It just ruins everything! Elizabeth continues spreading good cheer as she offers cider to Slut Girl and Meghan. "Made it myself," she beams. "Oh. No thanks, Grandma," Meghan says. "I slaved my ass over the stove for six hours for this cider, you ungrateful little bitch! You don't actually have to drink the damn glass, but the least -- the very least -- you could do is take a damn glass from my tray. You think I like walking around serving all of you? No one likes my cooking and no one knows each other because we just hire friends every year and I'm lonely and tired. I just want a little common decency around here for the holidays. Now you and your slutty friend will TAKE my cider and you will PRETEND you like it because I'm your damn GRANDMOTHER and it's Christmas!" She doesn't say that, but she should. Slut Girl and Meghan watch Clay and Ferret pretend to be in love. Slut Girl starts to gag from all of the good cheer. She begs Meghan to say that she's not fantasizing about being Ferret. Meghan gives the guilty head turn. Rayanne says she gets a cavity just looking at them. Angela says she's ignoring her. Sharon and Jordan walk up as Sharon ferrets that Elizabeth is the best cook ever and she has decided that she and Jordan are moving in. Rayanne says, "Isn't that great, Meghan? All of your friends moving in!" She then asks Ferret to help her wrap a present for Meghan and show her that "ribbon curl thing." They leave Meghan and Clay alone as Meghan snuffs up her face and says, "That was smooth." "She knows?" "Yeah, it might've slipped out." Clay makes a face. "No, no, no, don't worry, she's cool...in her own way," Meghan says, completely dissing her friend. Clay says he's sorry that Ferret showed up but Meghan says not to worry. Elizabeth enters to ask which one would like to get more soda from the garage. Clay offers and Meghan says that she'll show him where it is. As Clay walks off Elizabeth whispers, "He's cute!" "What?" "He's gorgeous!" Meghan says that Elizabeth has it all wrong, and that they are just friends. "Oh. My bad. Did I say that right?" Meghan giggles and walks off. "Friends, my ass," Elizabeth says and leaves the frame. Hey, score one for Elizabeth.

Meghan and Clay enter the garage as Clay says he cannot understand why she doesn't agree with him. "The mud cover is the shiny red nose and he's outed when the mud falls off." "No, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is not a gay allegory!" "What are you talking about? He's ostracized by the other reindeer and has to head off into the world with his little 'elf' friends?" He makes the quote marks with his fingers. "Yeah, because he's got a shiny red nose, that's all." "It's a symbol. On the island of misfit toys, Herbie and Rudolph share a bed." Meghan continues throwing one-liter bottles of Pepsi ("Hi, Sis!") at him and calls him "twisted." He's about to start another debate but Quentin Tarantino runs outside, looks up into the sky and screams, "I'm so sorry for what I've created! I never meant to cause so much harm!" His prayers are answered, so Clay doesn't finish his Frosty the Snowman story. Gracias, St. Clare. He drops all of the Pepsi bottles but one. She grabs another. He says that she has two choices. She can either "listen to the truth about Frosty..." They both open their one-liters. "Or what?" Meghan shakes up her bottle and shoots Pepsi all over Clay. He does the same. They are covered in carbonated syrup. Much screaming, arm grabbing, face wiping. They stop giggling and stare into each other's eyes. They kiss. They keep kissing. Much grabbing and kissing. Borrowing a lesson from Ally McBeal, Elizabeth stands in the doorway and watches them. Her face says, "You know, they say we won't be able to get much Pepsi after this Y2K thing, you wasters. I wish I hadn't suggested that you two go in there alone." She leaves as Meghan pulls away from Clay and her drippy soda hair says that they have a problem. He says that she's all he ever thinks about. He can't help himself. Meghan looks herself over like she's Carrie at the prom, and storms out of the room. I just went and got my journal from my freshman year of high school, and my suspicions are correct. I did write this exact scene when I was fourteen and totally wanted Tyson Heder to kiss me but he had some girlfriend. I want royalties, dammit. We fade to white and go to commercial, so we don't actually get to see Clay and Meghan explain why they were partaking in the Joy of Cola.

Mitch walks into Laura the Project Engineer's office and says that he needs to talk. About the suitcase. She asks if he doesn't like it. He says he does, but he has to give it back. She gives him the sexy, "Why?" He says that a gift like that could mean something to a guy who's married. She gives the adulterer's moany laugh. She gets up and circles him and says that she wanted it to mean something and that's why she gave it to him. Mitch asks if she's kidding. She's all up in his face saying no. They start kissing. They lean back on the desk and knock the suitcase over. She's unzipping his pants and straddling him. Mary shoots out of bed with a gasp. Mitch asks what's wrong. She says she forgot to put the deposit down on the champagne.

Okay, quick quiz. At which part of the last paragraph did you know that it was a dream sequence?

"Mary shoots out of bed with a gasp."
"They start kissing."
"She gives him the sexy, 'Why?'"
"Mitch"

Yeah, you guys are catching on. Welcome to my world.

Mary is furious at the liquor store. She can't believe that they sold the Dom just because she forgot to put down the lousy deposit. The liquor store guy explains that because of the "Millennium" the kids are talking so much about these days that people are buying "this stuff for their pets." But she's the Center of the Universe! She wants an Oompa-Loompa now! There's no Dom "anywhere." He tells her not to forget the deposit time.

Meanwhile, back at the Wasn't There Supposed To Be a Brotherly Love Message Here? Plot, Kenny has sold a way-too-big-for-his-size tree. He is having problems loading it to the top of this woman's SUV. He asks Cam for some help, since he's just standing around laughing. "You sold it, you load it," Cam says. That's the rule. Kenny picks up the tree and backs in, trunk first, breaking the rear window of the SUV. Christmas Tree Boss says the window will cost two hundred dollars and that it's coming out of Kenny's paycheck. Cam just laughs and laughs. You're a mean one, Mr. Green.

Mitch straightens the candles in his Menorah. Elizabeth walks in. He says he was thinking about putting some lights on the tree. She says the tree is on the other side of the room. Mitch starts his When I Was a Little Jew monologue about how Hanukkah was the one time when his family got together. There's a dreidel story here about lighting the first candle. Whatever. Anyway, Elizabeth asks why he doesn't still light the candle. He says that it all seems like something in the past. "The smile on your face when you were telling me that story looks to me like it's a past worth revisiting." St. Clare jumps from the television set and screams, "I'm sorry I've failed you, Pamie! I just can't take it anymore!" Mitch goes to put more lights on the tree as I give St. Clare mouth-to-mouth. She's angry that I've saved her and put her back on the television. "If I'm here, you're here, lady!" I shout at her. St. Clare makes herself hot and burns my hand. "Just know I'm not on your side anymore," she says. "What?" "You think it's bad now? Just watch my work." "You mean?" "You'll see." She laughs and gives me the stink-eye as I sit down cautiously to watch the rest of the episode.

What have I done?

Instantly the five-note Get Real jingle begins playing and Ferret is just chattering on about how her friend told her that some movie had a surprise ending, but didn't say what the surprise was but still told her that there was a plot twist so now she's going to be all looking for it so the whole movie is ruined for her and now she doesn't want to, like, see it at all. I start screaming and I get down on my knees in front of St. Clare and beg her to stop her powers. "It's Christmas! Please!" St. Clare makes me bring her a cup of coffee and an Entertainment Weekly. "I'll sit near you, but I'm not watching that crap anymore," she says. Meghan is totally Clayed-out not listening to Ferret so Ferret's all, "Hello?" Meghan says she was in the wrapping zone. She says that Meghan is acting just like Clay. He was weird on the whole drive home. "Oh?" Meghan says with too much interest. Ferret says that she thinks that Clay is pulling away from her. Meghan offers that it might be the holidays, that they can do that to some people. Ferret resigns that Meghan could be right. Ferret is so dumb that I don't mind that she's getting screwed both ways.

Mitch walks into Laura the Project Engineer's office and says that he needs to talk. About the suitcase. Same clothes. Mitch says that he can't accept it because it sends a message and that she's "attractive...and stuff." Laura says that they wouldn't be having this discussion if she were an attractive guy. He says they would if she were an attractive gay guy. "Confession," she says. Same circling around Mitch. Then Laura says that she does look forward to their meetings and she did pick out the suitcase because she knew that he'd like it but she doesn't want to have an affair. This is all done Pacino-style with a "Do I look forward to our meetings? Yes." Am I going to vomit? Yes. Is this scene completely necessary? Of course not. He says he never said she wanted an affair. She says he implied it. He says he doesn't know what he's saying. She tells him to keep the suitcase. Besides, it's monogrammed. He thanks her for the gift. He pulls into his garage and gets out of the car. He takes thirty seconds to decide to put the suitcase into the trunk. It took me five seconds to tell you that. It took him thirty. Help me.

Brotherly Love plot, fa-la-la. Kenny and Cam get into a fist-fight/headlock thing about who gets the customer. Much yelling and wailing. Trees are knocked over. Christmas Tree Boss gets into a tangle in a moment of "hell"arious antics not seen since the passing of the delicate screwball comedy Moonlighting. Dear Editors of Get Real: You are making me nauseous. Find a camera angle. Stick with it. Don't keep cutting to extreme close-ups. I can't tell what the hell is going on. And you with the sound? I can tell when the shot didn't work so you just voice-over their line on the back of their heads. Their mouths aren't moving in sync. I can see this because I have EYES. So do others. Please respect our ability to watch moving pictures on a screen and decipher their cryptic pixels and translate them into what you are passing off as a story. Thanks. Love...Oh, forget it. You don't deserve my letter.

Mary is driving her car on the phone with three people at once. She's talking to the champagne guy and MC Lyte and keeps switching around until she runs a stop sign and slams on the brakes as an SUV comes barreling towards her. We see the SUV in slow motion pass her with two kids in the back seat staring at her like, "What's wrong with the crazy lady, Mommy?" Now, let me say here that the teaser from last week was that Mary was going to be in a car accident that was going to force her to make a decision that will effect the entire family. I feel gypped. Mary pulls over to the side to flashback to the kids in the back of the SUV and start crying. I look at St. Clare. "I did that. You didn't want to see the accident plot." "I didn't?" "No. Trust me. It was worse." "Worse?" "Oh, yeah. Much." "Thank you." "Don't sweat it."

Meghan pouts in front of Clay's door as he jogs up and says he was expecting her on the trail. She brats that she wasn't really in the mood for a run. "Uh...I met Amy on the first day of Kindergarden." Ow. Ow. Ow. My eye. It's stuck. It's stuck to the top of my forehead. How did I get it up there? Ow! Help me! "I'm telling you, this is better that the accident plot was going to be," St. Clare reminds me as she releases my right eye. "Thank you." Meghan says that she was crying on the bus until Amy handed her a Saltine. "That Saltine was my version of the medallion, it made me stop crying and we've been best friends ever since. That's why I'm ending this." Saltine. For when you want to screw your real best friend, not the best friend who's always lamenting over her dead dad or the best friend that everyone thinks is a slut, and you can't decide if you want to screw her in the process as well. Now also salt-free. Clay says that this is hard on him (tee-hee!) as well, because Ferret wants him to go skiing with her family but he can't do it if all he's thinking about is Meghan. Because Meghan wants him to know that this is, in fact, her problem, thank you very much, she interrupts to say, "That doesn't work. I can't do that to her." Clay says that it's his problem and that he's going to take some responsibility. He says he's going to break up with Ferret. The Center of the Universe says that he can't break up with Ferret. He stops her and says that this isn't about Meghan. It's about him and Ferret. Meghan looks at him like, "Wait. Everything is about me. I'm the Center of the Universe! There won't be a Christmas if I die tonight!" Clay says he's not being fair to her. "I'm not being real." That was almost the series title; don't think that I didn't notice. "She deserves more," he says, grabbing Meghan's hair before it gets a chance to interrupt. "So do I," he finishes, taking us to a fade to white and commercial. St. Clare has hidden all of the knives and hard liquor.

"I'm a horrible, horrible person," Meghan "No, It's About ME!" Green moans to Slut Girl. Meghan says that Ferret is about to get hurt and it's all HER fault. "It's like, it's this huge guilt-thing hanging over me." Uh, Meghan? Linda Tripp called. She said to shut your whiny-ass mouth. Slut Girl says she'd rather have a guy tell her he wasn't interested in her than pretend. "She's gonna hate me!" Meghan whines, not for one second thinking about how OTHER PEOPLE FEEL. "Happily, you still have me," Slut Girl beams. "No offense, but that doesn't help." Yes offense, and shut up. Slut Girl points out that if Ferret had found out about Clay and Meghan before he broke up with her then Ferret would never talk to Meghan again. This is all too much for poor Meghan. She whimpers. Slut Girl offers that at least Meghan will have someone to kiss for New Year's. More whimpering.

Mary is giving MC Lyte the lowdown. She can't do the party. "You've got to be kidding." Mary says that she's pregnant and it's affecting her work in ways she didn't know were possible. She found a replacement for MC. MC says that she doesn't want a replacement. "I hired you. After you passed yourself off as a professional." Mary says she is a professional and that's why this is so difficult. She says that she almost got in an accident on her way over and she just can't keep pushing herself this way. "So you're backing out seven days before the party." "Right now this baby, my baby, has to come first. And if that means that I have to stop working that that's what I have to do." MC Lyte is hella pissed, yo. Mary exhales, because life for her is an endless chore of part-time work, baby making and shopping. And I just feel so special that I've been invited to get to know this wonderful woman, this beautiful specimen of human decency, kindness and family values. She has made the ultimate sacrifice, and we really should honor her, nay -- worship her for the way she's chosen to live her life. Thank you, Mary Green, for being the Spirit of the Holidays.

Elizabeth asks Kenny to taste her food and see if it has too much cumin. Kenny tells her to ask Cam since he's got seniority. Fighting, fighting, "Bite me!" "There's the Christmas spirit," says Grandma with the cap.

Cut to Meghan and Slut Girl sitting on Meghan's bed...I think but suddenly it has a backboard that I didn't see before and it's like it's in a different part of the room. Maybe I just can't see it so well since my eyes have been bleeding for thirty minutes. Elizabeth shouts that the door is for her and Slut Girl gets excited that she's going to be there to witness Meghan and Clay's First Ferret-Free kiss. Meghan is not so jolly and tells her to shut up. At the bottom of the stairs Elizabeth says that it's Amy. Slut Girl goes back to the bedroom. Amy is in the kitchen. Cue the five-note Get Real jingle. Meghan walks down and into the kitchen in a very long scene that is supposed to hint that Ferret is upset, but since it takes too long I know that Ferret must have her back turned with a gift for Meghan or something and I'm correct. Ferret gives Meghan her paycheck for the after-Christmas shopping. Meghan asks if Ferret wants to "hang." Ferret says her and Clay are about to shop for the ski trip. Meghan is all, "Wha?" Ferret says that Clay finally decided to go. Ferret says that Clay is getting her old room. Meghan feigns joy and says the old room was a freezer. Ferret gives her trademark Flipper laugh. Meghan hugs Ferret and says, "Merry Christmas," and I'd assume that Ferret would be like, "What's with the waterworks? I'm totally back, like, in three days." But, she of course tells Meghan that she loves her and struts off as happy as any other young actress that has made it to four episodes of Get Real without being written out.

Later, the Green family is watching Miracle on 34th Street. Mary and Cameron are asleep. Kenny is brooding. Meghan is so alone in the world that it's terrifying. Oh, sorry, reading from my high school journal again. It's hard to tell what is the script and what is from my adolescent scribblings. Is everyone tired of this episode? I'll try to summarize. The power goes out. Kenny and Cameron start fighting. They fight so much that they knock over the Christmas tree. Mitch has to scream at them. They start fighting again. Whose fault is it? Mostly Kenny's fault. Okay, Cameron too. Elizabeth is actually cowering in the corner. Everyone is yelling at Kenny and Cam until Mitch yells that they are brothers, and one day they have to leave that house and now is when they are deciding if they are going to leave as friends or strangers. He's all yelling and his forehead is seriously creasing. He storms off and Kenny and Cameron start fighting again until Mary's neck cords have to get into it. There's a knock at my door. It's the UPS guy. I tell him that it's pretty late for a package, but he says he was paid extra to deliver it. I open the box. It's an anvil. The note says, "You're gonna need it. Love, Sars." Mary says that when Mitch was a kid he and his brother were just like Cam and Kenny. A returned letter is the closest communication they've had in ten years. She tells them to think about what Mitch said. I rearrange my Christmas lights to spell "I GET IT" because I. Get. It. There's much more about "Uncle Steve" but since we all get it I'm leaving it alone. They decide to clean the mess up.

Good Girl Meghan helps put the star back on top of the tree as Elizabeth asks why she's been so quiet since Ferret left. Meghan says that everything is fine and that Ferret and Clay are going skiing for the holidays. Elizabeth turns the knife deeper by asking if Meghan is, "Hoping for a chairlift accident." Meghan says they are just friends. Elizabeth asks if that's how friends kiss. Meghan says that was a mistake. Elizabeth turns to Page 25 in the book of So You're Shooting A Very Special Christmas Episode: Lessons Learned From Grandma. "Honey, everyone makes mistakes. It's how you handle it [sic] that counts." Meghan says she knows and straightens the star. Kenny and Cam say that they aren't like Mitch and his brother. Kenny says he doesn't want to be like that. Oh, and "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" drones on in the back. Cam hangs the last of the ornaments (I think it's a miniature of Sars's anvil) back on the tree and turns to Kenny. He pulls an envelope out of his pocket, takes out a piece of paper, rips it in half and hands an end to Kenny. "It's your Christmas present. I'm giving it to you early." "It's half your paycheck." Cam looks up because this is going to be difficult and explains that the window breaking was half his fault, so he wants Kenny to take his gift. Mitch and Mary look on approvingly. Yeah, thanks for the torn-up check, asshole. Now neither of us gets paid. The lights come back on, but the television doesn't start blaring, and the music stops. Whatever. Mitch says he prefers the lights off. He turns them off and kisses Mary. Elizabeth brings over the Menorah and says "Happy Hanukkah." "It ended two weeks ago." "Better late than never." Mitch says his brother always used to help him with that. Sars's anvil falls on my toe. Mitch lights the Menorah and sings. When it's over Kenny says, "It's perfect." Cam says that he has no idea what it means. Apparently they just found out he's Jewish. Mary says that it was beautiful. Mitch says that it's not exactly to tradition, but year they'll do it right.

Cue the doorbell. Meghan jumps up to answer it and absolutely no one wonders why someone is coming over "at this hour on Christmas Eve!" Oh, that was my mother there. Any hour of Christmas Eve is "this hour." Of course it's Clay, and he says he knows she talked to Ferret. He said he couldn't break up with her on Christmas Eve, but he's going to because he's made up his mind and he knows what he wants. Meghan doesn't want him, though. She's been best friends with Ferret...for her whole life (that's Meghan's dramatic pause, not mine) and she doesn't want to lose her. Clay makes Ferret happy and she wants Ferret to be happy. She can't lose her friendship. So, she's setting Clay free. Strummy guitar as Clay insists that he'll break up with her, but Meghan tells him to stop talking. She tucks his medal (which is a poker chip on a string) inside his shirt and says, "Good luck, Clay." Clay looks devastated as Meghan shuts the door in his face. She walks over to the family and asks if the little girl believes in Santa Claus yet. "Little early to tell," Tony sopranos, and Meghan looks at the screen and sees the ultrasound video. The entire family watches the youngest Green member kick and move around. Group hug as the gospel singers kick in. "One Big Family!" they sing. "Merry Christmas," Mini-Meghan whispers as the episode comes to a close.

No Get Real for three weeks, but when it comes back Meghan's thinking about losing her virginity to the guy she meets. Mary tells her that you never get a second chance at your virginity. My phone rings. It's Trejo. "You do get a second chance. They told me that all the time at my Catholic High School. They gave you a Second Sex Virginity and a Second Smoking Virginity and a Second Drinking Virginity, so you know, that's wrong." "Trejo, did you just watch the entire episode?" "What? Uh...no. No! NO! I was just...I...flipping, mostly. Flipped around and stuff. Just wanted to see if it was over so I could call you back and stuff, you know? With the flip."

See you year.