Hey, guys. Did you miss me? Did you miss Get Real? Okay, dry your tears. I'm horrible at sloppy greetings. Does anyone remember what's going on? That's okay, Get Real gives us a past episode recap: Meghan likes her girlfriend's boyfriend. Cameron likes some girl with an evil dad (the Latino Bad Dad) who traps her in a tower. Mary is preggers.
The show opens with the Testosterone Guitar as a yellow sheet of paper floats from the School Without Classes with the giant word "Rave" written on it, just like every other "Rave" flyer. It's got a big ol' map drawn on it and everything. Meghan flips her hair to take a sip of water at the fountain and flips it back when she sees Clay (the taken boyfriend) sitting in their special spot with the slut-girl from the rumor episode. Clay looks at her for a moment. Testosterone Guitar turns into some "sexy" song with a woman crooning. Meghan sucks in her bottom lip and chews on it a bit as she continues staring at Clay who is sitting on that school wall, but there are no other students walking around the building. Suddenly she is to him as the two stare into space and talk as if they are hypnotized. "Hey," she says. "Hey, yourself," he responds. "I think we should talk." "'Bout us?" "Is there an us?" He grabs her hand, which goes past that whole elbow-rubbing thing they were doing in the last episode. Clay grabs Meghan's head and they sort of rub noses for a second and then start the kissin'. He does a hair flip for her. The kiss is interrupted with Slut-Girl saying, "He's got a boyfriend, you know." Meghan looks as surprised to see this girl in another episode as I am as she asks what she's talking about. Slut-Girl makes some sort of joke about how Meghan is in denial. Meghan looks back longingly at her taken man.
Because she doesn't know what to do about her boy problems, Meghan is sitting on the bathroom wall with Slut-Girl, who holds her lit cigarette far from her face but never takes a drag. Slut-Girl tells Meghan she should just go for it and stop being so "Melrose." Meghan says it's not so simple, because Slut-Girl isn't Amy's friend. Oh, Amy, she's the girl who is now Meghan's best friend. I refer to her as Ferret. Slut-Girl offers to steal Clay away from Ferret, dump him a week later and then leave him so that Meghan can swoop in and take over. "Well, that's...sweet, but um, no thanks," Meghan says. "I think I just need to forget about Clay." Slut-Girl says that Meghan should just go out there and find some other guy. Meghan asks why she should listen to some girl who hangs out in the women's bathroom. "A little attitude!" Slut-Girl echoes the cries of tired viewers everywhere. How long has this friggin' scene been going on? Meghan rolls her eyes as Slut-Girl hands her the "Rave" flyer. I just want you to know that I'm using the quotation marks here because that's how everyone is talking about the "Rave" in this episode. It's as if they are all learning a new word. Meghan remarks that some guy got hospitalized after some "Rave" last year and Slut-Girl says it's because he tried to pierce his tongue with his car keys. She gives them more credit. There are some extreme close-ups here on the two girls as Meghan's hair tries to decide what to do by tucking and un-tucking itself.
Mary is at the doctor's office and finds out that she's in perfect health and shouldn't have any problems with the pregnancy. She comments that she never remembered it being this bad before and that she's terribly tired. "Well, you're not eighteen anymore," the doctor says, but I'm sure she meant seventeen, which we all know is when Mary had Meghan. Mary says that she keeps craving instant mashed potatoes, which she hates, and she keeps thinking she smells smoke. The doctor tells her that phantom smells are common. She shows Meghan the baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound and offers to make a videotape for her husband. "I think I'd better tell him first," Mary exhales as we see her face reflected in the ultrasound monitor. The Anxious Guitar plays as Mary continues to exhale and we fade to white and cue the opening credits. Now, I'm no doctor, but isn't that kind of soon to be looking at a kid's heartbeat? Just asking.
Not even treated to a commercial break, we zoom right into Meghan walking over to the family car. Kenny is in the driver's seat. He thanks Meghan for offering to give him a lesson. She buckles up, flips hair, flips hair, flips hair. Says, "You're welcome," flip, flip, flip, flip. She tells Kenny that she doesn't want to spend her life there, so let's get going, flip, flip, flip. Kenny starts blabbering about how he didn't think they'd just jump right in and why not give him a lecture or something. The hair-flipping is mercifully interrupted by Slut-Girl driving up in her convertible with the same hair as Meghan and actually says, "Hey, Green! I was gonna go do some shopping for our history project. You need some more vinyl in your wardrobe." Kenny gives Meghan the "History project?" look and Meghan says she'll explain later. Kenny says it's no problem and that she should go and "have fun." Right. The picture of a brother-sister relationship.
Meanwhile, Cameron is having lunch with Alicia. Alicia, you know, the girl from the last episode who he was just supposed to have that one dance with and then he could never see her again even though he loved her even though he had only talked to her once and didn't know her last name? He asks if she gets to eat in this fancy place all the time. She says that it's "Daddy's club, Daddy's little girl." I hate her. "I could get used to this," he says with a hair flip and then they start to kiss. He asks if she can get out of the house weekend. She says that's pretty far away. He asks her to pencil him in. He says she should probably pencil him in for this weekend as well. All of a sudden she can see him anytime? Hello? He says that while she's at it she might as well make plans for him tonight. After all of this cheese, Alicia asks, "You never quit, do you?" And Cameron gives some cool-guy head-duck. She's all teeth and lips and says she'll meet him back at the restaurant at five. He leans over and picks up her purse for her and finds a bottle of wine in it. He actually asks what it is. Maybe Mary shouldn't have any more kids since she dropped this one so hard on his head. Alicia says she picked it out of her dad's wine cellar. "It's...so...we can celebrate!" she says. It's...so...obvious where this plot line is going! Cameron does the cool-guy PSA and says that he can think of a lot better things for them to do to celebrate. More kissing. Hey, isn't this her daddy's joint? I mean, if they have to sneak there to meet each other, should they be mugging down in front of the waiters?
Mitch is having electrical problems with the Building of His Dreams. That has nothing to do with the episode, they just wanted a quick bit where Mitch fought off sparks and says, "Trust me, you need to send the electrician down again." Mary shows up and asks him to lunch. He just ate. He asks her what's wrong. The car? The kids? She's all exasperated and then asks him if he remembers the night driving home after the reunion. I totally called that. She says that she saw the doctor today. It starts to sink in to Mitch. "Oh. Wow. I mean, how?" "Do you want me to draw a picture?" Mitch says that they are usually so "careful." Mary says that they weren't a lot of things that night. He says they should tell the kids. She says she's been dreading that all week. He's all, "Well, I don't mean right now, take your time," blah-blah -- ZOINK! All week? He asks how she's known all week if she just saw the doctor today. She says she took a home test but she needed to confirm with the doctor since they aren't effective. Here we go, yo. Mitch says they are like 99% effective so why didn't she tell him sooner? She wants to know what difference it makes. He says she's had all week to get used to this and she's all, what do you have to get used to? And he's like, "well, if you're so well-adjusted," and she's all, "I'm not," and this makes the perfect cue for the Other Woman. Laura the Project Engineer walks in and asks the fighting couple if it's a bad time. Mary gives Mitch the "You cheatin' bastard" look as he stammers that everything is fine. How Mary just all of a sudden knows that because the gal is pretty that Mitch plans on cheating is beyond me. Laura says Mitch talks about Mary all of the time. Mary sort of stammers away as Mitch stammers a goodbye.
Kenny and Cameron help Mary unpack the groceries. Kenny asks why she bought "fake mashed potatoes." Elizabeth looks up at Mary with this knowing look. The Green family's powers of deduction are absolutely stunning. Meghan walks in with Slut-Girl, who she introduces as Jodie and says that they have this history project on the Persian Gulf Crisis and wants to stay over the night at her house. Mary says, "Fine," but she's all looking around the house and sniffing. "Do you smell that?" she asks. "Uh...need a noun," Meghan brats. "Smoke. I smell smoke." I light a cigarette. Kenny looks at Slut-Girl accusingly. "What? I quit smoking when I was nine," she says. Oh, the fun! Elizabeth gives Slut-Girl the "Grandma doesn't trust you, kid" look and goes back to her paper. Mary goes back to her bloodhound work.
Cameron shows up at the club/restaurant with his quick time-warp action and gets on his cell phone. There's this recording of a woman saying, "The number you have reached is not in service at this time and there is no new number." I've never heard that message given on the telephone before, but they made it sound all fuzzy so it comes off as more effective. Latino Bad Dad is in his restaurant and sees Cameron walk in. Cam walks over to him and says he's kind of worried. LBD tells Cam to leave. Cameron says he was supposed to meet her but she didn't show up. LBD tells Cam that he told him to leave Alicia alone and if he doesn't leave he'll call "Security." Cam looks up and clenches his jaw so we know he's being really manly here. He walks away.
Back in the World's Largest Kitchen, Kenny tells Cameron that he needs a driving lesson and "won't take no for an answer." "No," says Cameron. "I won't take 'no' for an answer a second time. So, you remember that," Kenny says. So endearing, just so true. Mary looks down at the counter and sees the big ol' "Rave" flyer on top of some schoolbooks. Remember kids, if you're trying to sneak out of the house to go to a party, make sure you act all surprised when your mom says you can go and then just leave big-ass fliers around the house announcing where you're actually going to be. She asks Meghan when she was going to spend the night at Jodie's. She hands the flier to Mitch. "A 'Rave?'" he asks. "Dad," Meghan begins, but they interrupt to say, "You are not going to a 'Rave.'" "Looks like you're out of luck," Kenny says to Cameron. "They're not talking to me, they're talking to her," Cameron says, because, Christ, he gets to sleep with girls in his bedroom -- what are they going to do? Oh, and if you're a cool guy who can't find his new girlfriend, drink the Iced Tea that Cameron drinks. Cool, from Nestea. Cool. For when you have good hair that you just have to flip to cover your insanely large ears. "You're letting Cameron go?" Meghan asks. "No one's going to a 'Rave,' period." Mitch says. "Why?" Cameron screams unnecessarily. "Why?" Mitch and Mary retort in unison. "Because you're underage and it's dangerous," Mary's neck cords say. "What is it with every parent I know trying to keep their kids locked up in the house?" Cameron echoes the cries of every struggling, Jeep-driving, silk-shirt under a blazer wearing, rich boy "playa." Oh, why must he be so rich and troubled? Meghan's hair is outraged and flips around to Cam to say, "Oh, what are you complaining about? You get to go wherever you want?" Mitch interrupts this moment of truth to say, "Hey, hey, hey, let's not use Cameron as an excuse, okay? He gets punished plenty." "Yeah, this isn't about me, alright? And this definitely is not about you," Cameron says, which makes absolutely no sense in the context of the argument, but it's only so that he can lean back and knock a bottle of pills out of Mary's purse in slow motion. The pills say "Prenatal Vitamins" and roll in slow motion over to Cameron's hand. He lifts them and -- this sounds like I'm making this up, but I'm not -- he tries to...oh, I can't actually type this without laughing. I mean, I understand they think that Cameron is dumb but this moment really takes the cake. They actually make him...try and read the words on the bottle. He's all, "Perrnal Vitamin...wait, wait, Pree Natalll?" Elizabeth is suddenly right there taking the bottle from his hands and reading the words like it's Storytime. "Preee Naaatal." I wish she'd then squish up his face and say, "Chrisssss Massss," but she doesn't. Instead he suddenly knows what "Prenatal" means and says, "Not even. Who's pregnant?" I guess he can't read his mother's name either, which is clearly written on the bottle that fell from his mother's purse, but we get to do this slow pan around the family. Is it Elizabeth? Nooo. Kenny? Nooooo. Is it Mitch? "Mom?" Kenny asks. "Oh, my God," we hear Meghan in something like a voice-over. Mary looks guilty. The kids look pissed. The phone begins to ring. Cameron jumps in slow motion from his bedroom door to the bed and picks up the phone and says, "This'd better be you." "Cam?" It's Alicia, and she's on a public phone in some nondescript hallway. She asks him to come get her. He wants to know what happened. She says that her dad just went crazy and she doesn't know what to do. She just wants to get out. She asks him to come and get her. Cameron has his hero face on, so we can just go to the scene.
Why are there never enough commercials in this show?
Laura is speaking to Mitch about plans or contacting someone or something, but Mitch is staring off into space. She's all, "Hello? Hi," and giving him flirty looks. She tells him they should call it a day because she's working and he's staring. "I'm sorry, I'm just thinking about some things," he says like that's some sort of deep statement. She asks if there's anything he'd like to share. "One white sprig," he says. "Congratulations," she says back and I realize he must have said, "My wife's pregnant," but he keeps reverting to that Tony Soprano accent every once in a while and I can't understand him when he does that. She asks what the problem is and he says he shouldn't talk about it. She says he's right, it's better to hold it all inside. He says that he's questioning the decisions he's made. He wouldn't have quit his day job and wouldn't have bought the Big Building. She says that he's not psychic and she thought that she'd have kids by now but things don't always work out the way you planned. Since we've all seen this scene about six hundred times before, do you really want me to continue writing it all down? You can imagine the lines, can't you? "I love being a dad, I'm going to love this baby with everything that I am," which kicks off the five-note Get Real jingle as he says that this just wasn't the right time.
And since we know the rest of that scene we pan over to the Romeo and Juliet plot where Alicia is running out of the nondescript building as the five-note Get Real jingle gently hushes into the oboe. Cameron shouts, "Alicia!" which I think if you're busting someone out of a building you should probably keep it down, but whatever. She runs into his arms as the oboe continues. She thanks him and tells him that her dad flipped out and sent her here. "What is this, like a boarding school?" "It's, it's, it's, rehab." Cameron gives her a look. Alicia says that her dad thinks Cam is a bad influence and that he never believes her. LBD thought that bottle in her purse was from Cam. The formula for Get Real continues as Alicia says that she knows that Cameron probably doesn't believe her, but it's true. He just overreacts. Cue the five-note Get Real jingle as Cameron gives her the Hero look and says, "I believe you." They hug. Hey guys, run. Fade to white.
Mary is in a nursery holding a baby and placing her in a crib. She shuts the door that says, "Meghan." Mary wipes the door in reverse and the nameplate disappears. That probably doesn't make any sense but don't worry about it. It's not necessary for the plot. The door opens and Meghan is standing there with purple eye shadow, glitter on her chest and her hair all crimped up. You know, I remember the first time I rebelled against my parents. My friend Karina came over to help me put on my Go Away Mom Purple Eye Shadow and let me borrow her Screw You Dad Boots. The best, though was when she used her Nobody Truly Understands My Pain Crimper to do my hair in that oh-so-cool crusty-ass dried frizz that never seems to go out of style. Thank you, Get Real, for the memories. Meghan is also wearing some sort of purple velvet top with this feather tassle hanging between her breasts and a long flowery skirt. Is she going to a rave or a Renaissance Festival? Mary asks where Meghan is going. Meghan says, "Out, me laidee! No need to worry! Tut-tut! Huzzah!" but it comes out as, "To Jodie's, as discussed." Anyway, Mary starts yelling at Meghan that, "This isn't just me trying to run your life here. This is a "Rave" -- people have died at these things! There are just too many variables here, too many things can happen." Meghan flips her crimp, but it's really difficult to flip so she settles for an eye-roll instead. Meghan says that none of those things will happen at Jodie's. Mary says she doesn't believe that Meghan is going to Jodie's. "Where's Cameron?" Meghan asks. Mary says that if Cameron is at the "Rave" she'll deal with him later, but right now they are talking about her. Crusty-ass hair flip. Mary says that being pregnant is making her really protective. "I can't believe," Meghan warbles, "that you would use getting pregnant on accident [sic] as a reason to listen to you." Oh, man, here we go again. Mary gives her a staring of her lifetime as Meghan starts to look a bit guilty for what she just said. Mary starts saying that she made a mistake by trying to reason with Meghan because obviously Meghan has lost all sense of reason, blah, blah, blah, bratcakes. Mary asks her to look her in the eye and honestly tell her she's not going to that "Rave." Meghan looks down and says she'll be at Slut-Girl's. She walks past Mary and out the door as Mary screams, "Meghan! Meghan!" but doesn't lock the door, grab Meghan or follow her outside. Once Meghan left the house she just won, I guess. I wish it were that easy when I was growing up. Fade to white.
Man, these commercials just aren't long enough.
Slut-Girl and Meghan are in Slut-Girl's car on the way to the rave. Meghan is complaining that the map is really hard to understand. Slut-Girl explains that the police have a better time finding the place if they use neon signs. Slut-Girl's hair is in tiny pigtail flips all along the top of her head and the back of her hair is down. Same amount of purple eye shadow. Lots of glitter on both of them. Jodie says that if they can't find the place they can just go home. Meghan says, "No, no way, I totally blew at my mother tonight, I'm not going home." "Meghan, I know like, you're totally into this 'I'm a bad-ass' scene, but it's just a party." Slut-Girl is my favorite. Like, totally. Go on with your non-smoking ass, Slut-Girl. Meghan says she just wants to go out and have fun and forget about Clay. She's already in trouble, so she might as well just go out and stay out all night. "Ooh, angry teenager," Slut-Girl says with her waggly-head. "How not original?" It's like I'm stuck in some episode of Saved By the Bell. Meghan says that Slut-Girl is starting to sound like her mother. Slut-Girl goes into her troubled-teen-bad-parent monologue that always begins with, "Do you know what my mother said to me tonight?" Pony Boy looks at her. "Hey, Jo, don't get pregnant. I mean, what kind of mother would you like to have?" Meghan looks out the window as if she's learned something. Matt Dillon runs up to my television screen with a pocketknife and screams, "Let's do it for Jodie, man! Let's do it for Jodie!"
It's like nine o' clock, so it must be time for Mitch and Mary to be fighting. "Did she say she was going to the 'Rave'?" Mitch asks Mary. Mary says that Meghan didn't have to. I mean, she was dressed like she was going out to buy a turkey leg, so I guess Mary didn't have to do much deductive reasoning. Mitch asks if they could call Jodie's mom. "I don't even know Jodie's last name." "Well, do we still have the flyer?" Mary gets sick of Mitch's whining and shouts, "NO! Mitch! We've been through this! I don't have it!" Mitch retorts with, "All right! This is great. We can't even control the kids we already have." Well, to be honest, guys, you couldn't control the one you're about to have either.
We pan back out of the living room to Kenny watching from the doorway. He turns around to look upset at Elizabeth, and his wet, pouty lips trigger the five-note Get Real jingle once again. Elizabeth exhales. Kenny exhales. They join each other on the Thinking Bench, which if you recall from earlier episodes is only used when someone is really upset about something. Elizabeth tells Kenny that they are just blowing off steam and he shouldn't worry. Kenny says he thought that people were supposed to be happy about a new baby. He says that he's excited about being a big brother. "Did you let them know?" Elizabeth asks. Kenny gets this "it's all my fault" look and says, "Not yet."
Before we go into the "Rave," I just wanted to let you know that one of my friends played an extra for this shoot. She said that when they called the Extra phone line the message said that they were going to be shooting a "Rave" scene and that there would be a black light so all of the extras should wear dark clothing. "Whatever," she thought, and showed up in a dark top with little white speckles on it so it would catch the light. The guy in front of her in line showed up completely raved-out with glitter and glow sticks and all. The costume people said "No, no, no," and that it was all wrong and asked, "why are you all in light clothing?" They made her change into a black tank top and Rave Boy had to change his clothes as well. They started shooting and about forty-five minutes into the shot stopped and announced, "Well, the black light isn't picking up any of your clothing, so we are gonna stop to go and get new costumes for some of you." Three hours later they were re-outfitted in light clothes and got to shoot it again.
Note to Get Real: Do your damn homework.
Other interesting behind-the-scenes facts: When ECO (or Cameron) showed up for his scene, he was supposed to dance. Apparently they shot him dancing for about three minutes when he shouted, "Fuck this shit," and took off. "I don't want to look like an asshole. This shit is lame." My friend said that he was really rude to all of the extras as well.
Anyway, so here we are at the rave. We fade into a "DJ" mixing some records and enjoying his own beats. As we pan out there are extras all around the DJ table pumping their arms in the air as if to say, "Go, DJ! Go, DJ! Go! Go!" I know this is on purpose, as my friend had to be one of those poor extras. There's a black light and a strobe, so I can hardly see a thing in this shot. There is no smoke; no one is drinking anything. Nobody is smoking anything. In fact, the only dancing they are allowed to do is the back-and-forth-arms-in-the-air-sway where eventually someone is going to say, "Ho-oh! Ho! Ho! Ho-ho-ho!" and then scream. One girl wears a neon wig. She's the only girl I can really see. She's there so we can notice Cameron and Alicia to her. Alicia is jumping on Cameron's arm shouting, "This is great! This is exactly what I needed!" And they can hear each other, so obviously the DJ isn't doing his job. Alicia and Cameron kiss. In the strobe-black light it appears that Alicia is wearing the jacket from Michael Jackson's Thriller. Cameron tells her to stay close so that nothing bad happens to her. She says that nothing is going to happen and that she's going to find a bathroom. She kisses him goodbye. The DJ appears to be putting together some sort of science project on his decks.
On the other side of the dance floor, Meghan and Slut-Girl are having a great grrl blast. They wave their hands and pretend to dance. "This isn't a rave, this is a prom," Jodie says, and I start to thank her for recognizing the truth. "Half our school is here," she then says, and I realize that she wasn't commenting on the lamitude of the rave, but rather the cool popular place that it is, because since Jodie doesn't have any friends and hates the whole school for thinking she's a slut, she'd have a great time in a building with everyone from her school and it makes perfect sense that she'd be so stoked about it. "How many people did you invite?" Meghan asks. I had no idea that Slut-Girl threw the rave. Some guy in a black t-shirt walks by and does some "I'm a dork" move so that Jodie can say, "I don't know, but I know I didn't invite him." Meghan laughs like the Big Bad Wolf. They walk off as Meghan does a sexy strut. We focus on one guy who isn't wearing a black t-shirt for a second (it's orange, so we can see him) and Alicia crosses into the frame. She has focused on the one drug dealer in the room. We know he's a drug dealer because:
- He's standing under a pillar.
- He's got his back turned from us.
- He's bald.
- He's got a big skeleton and cross tattoo.
- Alicia whispers something in his ear.
An exchange of hands is made and Alicia is happy. He goes back to dancing to the pole, where a flier for the rave is pasted. Who advertises their own underground party at the underground party? Alicia is in the bathroom with a little Jell-o Shot glass filled with some orange liquid. We don't see her put anything in her mouth, but she swallows the glass "like she just took a whole lot of pills." She finishes it with a chaser of water in the same cup. We pan back to the rave kids having a grand time cheering on the jolly antics of Sir DJ. Meghan "Don't Crimp My Style" Green is walking into the bathroom. She sees Alicia, who is now vomiting into the sink. She introduces herself and asks if Cameron is there with her. "Is it hot in here?" Alicia asks just like Andie MacDowell asking if it's raining. "It's hot." Alicia has apparently taken some fast acting dope. She's about to fall right over and Meghan starts holding her up chanting, "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay." Alicia starts the druggy talk about how Cameron is so great. Meghan says she's going to get Alicia's stuff and Cameron and that she should just stay there. "No, I can take care of myself," Alicia reads from the pages of So You Got Cast As a Two-Episode Druggie?: Quick Tricks To Let Them Know You're So Wasted, and then promptly falls over. Meghan gives her a "stupid bitch" pity look and turns around to pick up Alicia's things. She turns back around and Alicia is gone. I don't know what Alicia took, but it made her vomit, get all hot and bothered, think about how great Cameron is, fall over, and then become invisible. Sign me up.
Back at the land of hard-to-see dancers, Cameron uses his Green Lo-Jack to zone in on Meghan and asks if Mary knows she's there. "She does by now," Meghan says. She tells Cameron that she doesn't know where Alicia is but that he has to get her out of there. Everyone is wearing dark clothing, so I can hardly see anything. Meghan says that Alicia is "really hammered." "No, I just saw her, she's fine." "I don't know, maybe someone put something in her drink," Meghan offers. Those "Raves" are dangerous, you know. Cameron gets all huffy and says he can't believe he trusted her. Meghan gets bumped from behind, Cameron gets bumped from behind and Cameron tells her to help him find Alicia and then they are "getting the hell out." Meghan doesn't have to go very far before she runs into Slut-Girl, who's about to blow the place with some guy she's run into. Good for the rumor mill, Jodster. Meghan says she'll get a ride with her brother.
Mary gets a phone call. It's Laura. For some reason she doesn't want to talk to Mitch anymore now that she knows that Mary is home. Mitch walks in to hear her say, "Yeah, we do have a lot going on right now," and then she hangs up. "Was that the kids?" Mitch asks. Man, who wrote him this series of dumb questions? Mary says, "No, that was your project engineer." Bitch accent on "project engineer." Mary is livid that Mitch told Laura what's going on but she can't get him to sit down and talk to her for two minutes. When she says, "two minutes," she holds up her fingers in this peace sign and looks the other way and for a second it looks like she's in a Prince video. Mitch says it just came out. Yeah, I've heard that one, Mitchy. Mitch says it's easier to talk to Laura because she's not emotionally involved. Careful, Mitch. Don't do it. "You know, she can't get hurt by what I have to say, but you might." Dammit. He said the magic words. He kicked off that infernal five-note Get Real jingle. "Are you happy about this baby?" Mary asks. Mitch says there's no way he can answer that. Mary asks him to ask her. Five-note jingle. "Are you happy?" "Part of me is. And part of me isn't, and uh, I don't know what to do with that part." Five-note jingle. Vomit. Alcohol. Cigarettes. Not Mary, me.
Cameron carries the Drunk Druggy Date to his Jeep. He says he's going to go get Meghan, but as he puts Alicia in the Jeep he sees that she's unresponsive. He calls Alicia's name a few times and then gets worried. He turns towards the rave entrance, which looks like an alley by a garage and just starts shouting, "Meghan! Meghan!" as if she'd be able to hear him from inside. "Okay, I'll come back to get her," he says to no one, and gets in the Jeep.
Have I mentioned that I've never met someone who drove a Jeep that wasn't an asshole?
"What did you do?" Cameron asks Alicia as he starts the Jeep and screeches it into reverse. Fade to white.
Some waiter is serving a party of twenty whether his pain goes away or not. Hey, buddy. Try a season of Get Real. Quit your bitching and take your Advil. At least you have some sort of pain reliever. My cats won't even sit in the room with me anymore when I watch this show.
Mitch asks what time it is. Mary says it's twenty minutes past their curfew. Mitch runs down through the punishments he's about to dish out. He says she should just go to sleep. Mary says something about how ironic it is that she's not sleepy. That's not really irony, but whatever. They start talking about how they were almost done with all of this. They would have been alone for the first time in eighteen years. I guess Meghan had a birthday or they forgot about when she had her or something, because Meghan was seventeen for the past eight episodes. Mary was looking forward to being a couple without kids. Mitch says he agrees, since they sort of skipped the "whole newlywed thing." Hey guys? Remember Kenny? He's only fifteen. You're not done yet. And it's not like Cameron is smart enough to leave the house. Mitch says that he thought they were just about to get to the part of their lives that they had put on hold. Mary asks how they are going to do this. Mitch says he doesn't know, but they will. They hug. Fade to white.
Cameron takes Alicia back to "the rehab place." As they walk in Latino Bad Dad is sitting on the couch as if he's been there all night instead of looking for her. She walks in, checks her manual on "Rehab Entrances," manages a "Daddy?" and then collapses into his arms. Some orderly-type people start to take her away. Cameron is all upset. "I don't want to be here," she says to her father. "Look, I know, but I gotta go," Cameron says to LBD. "Where did you take her?" LBD asks. "A party. A stupid party. I didn't think this was gonna happen." "You took a girl out of rehab to go to a party, what did you think was going to happen?" Cameron goes on about how she said she was okay. "She's an addict!" LBD is enraged. He says that Alicia will say anything to get Cameron to do stuff for her. Cameron says he knows that now, and that he's sorry. "Maybe I should have told you about her addiction. Part of me is still trying to protect her." LBD is going on about how the best thing for her, if he really loves her, is to leave her alone. She needs people who can say no to her, and that's not either of them. Oh, you guys know the rest of this scene too, don't you? All right, I'll try to print it out without quitting. LBD says that he knows the look on Cameron's face. We can't help but see it too with this excruciating close-up they have on him. "That look on your face -- that feeling as if somebody just punched you in the gut because you believed...trusted. That's me. That's me every day." "I'm sorry," Cameron says again. "I'm sorry." He walks off and we hear sirens. LBD looks away as a soprano begins with "You're sailing away to another shore."
I don't choose the songs around here.
Meghan is walking down a hallway in the "Rave" as a Would-Be Rapist passes her and then turns around and asks what her name is. She says she's walking the other way. "No, you're not," he says, and starts approaching her. "Leave me alone!" Meghan shouts and groins him. Too Little Too Late Clay shows up and grabs her with a "Meghan, you okay?" Would-Be Rapist gets up and fronts Clay. Clay fronts back. Meghan says they need to just go. Clay pulls Meghan about three feet away, which is apparently enough for Would-Be Rapist to just give up and walk off. Would-Be Rapist is thirty years old. "Did he hurt you?" Clay asks. Jesus, this is like one of those fantasies I made up for myself in high school when I had a crush on some guy so I'd make him my hero of all my dangerous dark-alley daydreams. Meghan says that she'd just like to leave. He says they'll go right now. He tucks her hair back. They stare at each other for a while. Meghan leans in and they kiss. "Oh my God," Meghan says, but it gets cut off with Ferret walking in and shouting, "Meghan! Have you been here the whole time?" Meghan stammers something in return. "Look, this whole place is clearing out. It's getting crazy out there," Ferret says, which are two contradictory statements, but whatever. She offers to take Meghan home. Meghan says that Cameron is there somewhere for her and he'll take her. Clay says she should come with them but Meghan says she's fine. Clay and Ferret leave in slow motion as Meghan and Clay exchange A Look. Cameron comes screeching into the rave alley entrance and parks his car in front of the door. It doesn't appear as if everyone is leaving, and Clay seems to have his own personal parking space. The ridiculousness continues as Cameron enters the rave and starts yelling Meghan's name. All the party people are dancing to some song we can't hear and wearing dark shirts so we can't see them.
Cameron can't find Meghan because she's just walking down some bridge all by herself as Cameron continues searching inside the rave for her. Meghan does her little Ally McBeal walk and then Kenny's phone rings. Meghan tells him to not talk but to walk into Cameron's room and "wake his ass up" and tell him to go and get her. Kenny asks where she is. She says she's on the Sixth Street Bridge a couple of blocks from the party. Suddenly the streetlights go out above Meghan's head and we hear a siren. "Kenny, do you have the address?" she asks him. Kenny tells her not to worry and that he's "all over it." He goes into Cameron's room, but he's not there. Meghan is very worried on a bridge. Fade to white.
I take this commercial moment to consider a heroin addiction. No, I know that they've only shot three more of these shows, so if it doesn't get picked up after tonight, I don't have to do this show much longer.
Kenny is now in the driver's seat. He starts the car and sees Mitch through the window. Mitch opens the car door. "Dad! What are you doing up?" "It's two in the morning, two of my kids are missing and the phone rang. What do you think?"
A car pulls up to Meghan on the bridge. It's Mitch. Meghan looks down and walks to the car as the song sings, "Little bit of wind in my sail. Little bit of guilt on my back." They drive in silence. After a few seconds Meghan says, "Dad?" "Bad," Mitch interrupts. "Bad idea to start talking now." He exhales. "Look, I am sorry that I disobeyed Mom, and I am sorry that you had to come and pick me up, but she was being totally irrational. I mean, you know how she gets about stuff she, she, just gets, like, control about everything, and she is so hormonal --"Mitch says this isn't going to fly this time. He says he doesn't understand why she'd do this to her mother when Meghan is the last thing that Mary needs to be worried about right now. He says that of all the kids she has always been the one they could count on. But she's changed. "You're my daughter, and I love you, but right now..." Exhale. "Why, because Mom's pregnant?" Meghan picks the wrong time to brat. "No, because you were wrong! Grow up and see the difference. Until you do you're just a child. And if it means anything anymore, I am disappointed in you. And, you know, I don't think I've ever been disappointed in you before." Meghan makes a sad face.
The door opens and Mitch and Meghan walk in. He says they'll talk more about it in the morning. She walks up the stairs. Mary asks if Meghan is okay. "Outside of [sic] being grounded until she's thirty, yeah, she's okay." Mary says she doesn't remember the house being so quiet. Mitch says that if they can get through tonight, they can get through anything. Bring on another eighteen years. "It'll be good." It doesn't sound convincing, and Meghan looks guilty listening at the top of the stairs. Cameron walks in as Meghan walks to her room. "Hey," he says. "Hey?" Mitch asks. Cameron flips back his cool hair. "Is Meghan here?" "Yeah, I just picked her up. You mind telling me what the hell you're doing coming back at this hour?" "I totally screwed up," Cameron says. "That 'Rave,' I mean, that wasn't even the worst mistake that I made tonight." He says that he's going to spare them the trouble of grounding him. He hands over his car keys. Mitch says it's really late and he doesn't feel like talking about this tonight, but to expect a long conversation tomorrow. Cameron walks off to bed. "Another eighteen years?" Mary sort of asks. Mitch gives her an eyebrow. We pan up to the staircase window, which suddenly becomes frosty and then turns to sunlight. Okay.
Elizabeth "Remember me?" Green is going through the World's Largest Kitchen's cabinet. She's searching drawers and doors until Mary throws down a pack of cigarettes. "You're smoking again." "No, not really smoking, I'm just sort of smoking." Mary starts mothering her mother and asking why she's doing that. Elizabeth says that it's been so many years, but since there have been so many changes in the past year that it feels good to go back to something familiar. Mary says that's the worst excuse she's ever heard and that she doesn't like her mother smoking, but if she has to she can't do it in the house. Elizabeth says that Mary being pregnant is a great incentive and she tosses the pack away. Great subplot, guys.
Meghan comes in and asks to speak with Mary alone. Elizabeth leaves and Mary says she's not in the mood for a fight. Meghan says she promises there won't be. "I know that there's not much I can say to explain last night, I don't even get it myself." "That makes two of us," Mary interrupts. Check it out, guys -- Meghan is about to have a breakthrough. "Um, Dad told me that the worst part of it was, um, I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew that you'd be worried, and he was right. And I'm sorry for that." "Well, I appreciate that you are sorry, and I accept your apology." Like she's Judge Judy. She goes on to say that she doesn't want to keep fighting and apologizing and that she doesn't know what to do anymore. Meghan's eyes begin to well. Come on, girl, I know you can do it. You can cry. You'll do it this time. Meghan says that she's gotten so used to fighting with Mary she doesn't know what else to do. "I just fight for like, no reason." Tears are about to fall off her eye. "I remember, just..." a tear falls out, "wanting to talk to you about everything. And I want to be like that again." Mary comes over to hug Meghan and congratulate her on her first on-screen tears. "Me too," Mary says. Good job, Meghan.
Cameron is on the phone. "Hi. You're mad." "Where are you?" "Home, thank God. They kicked me out, so, well, at least one good thing came out of last night." They kicked her out of rehab for doing drugs? Great program. Alicia goes on about how her dad is crazy and that she's sorry and that it'll never happen again. She says that her dad probably told Cameron all sorts of lies just to keep him away from her. She says he's crazy. Cameron says that she's wrong, and that she's the most important thing in her dad's life. He says he knows she was lying to him because she knew he'd believe her. "No," she says, "he's crazy." "I'm so totally sorry," Cameron says, and then hangs up the phone. He doesn't answer the ring.
Dear Get Real writers: Perhaps you need some help with synonyms for the word "Totally." This is the fifth time in this episode alone. And people don't say to each other, "I'm so totally sorry." They don't do that. Perhaps try the words "really" or "sincerely" or "honestly" or maybe don't say anything at all. Thanks. Love, pamie.
Meghan thanks Kenny for trying to save her by driving downtown. She promises that when the both of them aren't grounded anymore she'll take him out driving. Cameron enters to say that he went back for her last night. She thanks him and asks how Alicia is. He says that he's going to make himself stay away. The phone rings and Meghan says to let her machine pick it up. Just to set the record straight, this means that each and every one of them has their own phone line and Kenny has a cell phone. Perhaps getting one for Meghan and Cameron would be a good idea. Meghan's answering machine (not rich enough for Call Notes?) says, "When the beep beeps, leave a message." How friggin' perky. I'm getting drunk. It's Clay. He was calling to check on Meghan, blah, blah, blah, cheatingcakes. She hands the phone to Cameron and asks him to tell Clay that she's okay. Cameron speaks to Clay with a lot of "yo"s and "man"s, so you know they're cool. This kicks off the five-note Get Real jingle and Meghan says it's a long story. "Last time I checked, we had a lot of time on our hands," Cameron says, and they start giggling.
Pan in a circle around the dinner table. Everyone is eating and I wish they'd stop at a shot of Grandma taking a long drag off her cigarette, but they don't. Kenny interrupts to say that he just wants Mary to know that he's happy about the baby. Mary is glad to know. Mitch tells her to run the names by them. "What about the name Caitlyn?" Groans from the kids. "What about Callie?" "I know a pony named Callie," Meghan brats. "You know I don't think I know any Xenas," Kenny offers. "Well...except the one." Cameron asks how she knows it's going to be a girl. "Sometimes a mother knows." Meghan interrupts to say that she hopes it's a girl too. The whole family stops to stare at her and wonder how they can be so blessed as to have such a remarkable daughter, sister, playmate and friend. Pan back from the World's Largest Kitchen as the gospel singers overwhelm the table talk and the show finally ends.
week Mary gets in a car wreck. Every week it's something.