Previously on Get Real: Dan did some of Meghan's hair tucking. Then he ended up screwing her Lit teacher. Rebecca didn't have time to wonder whether Kenny liked her, even if they weren't having sex.
Fade up to nature scenes. Animals are chasing one another as we hear a National Geographic/When Animals Attack voice-over about "predators" and "prey." We watch animal after animal chase around the jungle. "Hey! I'm just a stupid television watcher! Did I turn on the wrong channel?" Don't worry, Kenny sets us straight: "Don't freak," he says in a voice-over, "this isn't one of those FOX 'When Animals Trip Out' specials" (Canadian voice on "out"). Whew. The channel changes to a golf game and we pan out to Kenny in his bed. He tells us that he's cutting school for the first time ever. He's risking his "Cal Ripken attendance record" to hang out with Rebecca. Mary has called the school to say Kenny has a fever. Ferris and Slone have plans to head to the beach. Now if it wasn't for that pesky Rooney....
Mary is preparing a huge breakfast for Kenny with waffles, Golden Grahams, fruit and juice. Mitch walks in and tells her she looks good enough to get them a couple of box seats. Mary is trying to get a job with a man who does charity work for the Dodgers. Mitch tells Mary to relax while he picks food off Kenny's tray and eats it. Mary's Lisa Stansfield curl won't relax. Her neck cords won't relax. Her exhales won't relax. He asks her to pick him up a foam finger. She tells him to give Kenny his cell phone number in case his fever gets worse and Mitch says it isn't necessary since he's going to be working from home for a while. I can't figure out how she would have forgotten that, but she tells him she thinks she's going to like him being around for a while. She exhales a few times while he tells her it could take a long time before he finds office space. She makes a joke about her going out to work while he's "Mr. Mom." "Lifelong dream of mine," he deadpans, because he can't remember which one is Cameron and which one is Meghan. Mitch offers to take the food up and Mary runs off to work. "What's up with the room service?" Meghan asks as she comes down the stairs. Mitch tells her Kenny isn't feeling well. "Oh, that's too bad," she says and we flash to a scene with Meghan holding a hair dryer up to the thermometer and Kenny smiling. "Hope I don't catch it," Meghan says innocently.
Mitch asks how Kenny's doing. "As good [sic] as can be expected," Kenny says, but he hasn't fixed his equalizer to play the snoring noise yet, so he's a little behind. Kenny coughs and sniffs and Mitch tells him if he needs anything he'll be downstairs setting up his office -- close up slow motion shot of Mitch's mouth as he says, "All day long." Kenny says maybe he should go to school so he doesn't end up behind all year. Testosterone Guitar music plays as Kenny runs out his front door and leaps over the car hood. It's not Yello's "Oh Yeah," but you get the point.
Fade into more nature scenes with the announcer describing the male lion. "Virile. Proud." The lion's face morphs into Cameron in a tight close up. I scream. My cat jumps and attacks the screen. "But however noble, however beautiful this creature appears, one fact..." "cannot be ignored," Tennisha finishes before I get a chance to argue with the comparison of Cameron to a lion. Tennisha tries to get us to remember her from earlier episodes and how she was tight with Cameron. She almost says, "You know, in the pilot?" but instead they just show a montage of scenes from earlier episodes. You know, the first three? Out of the seven? They take the montage and give it this blue hue so it seems like we're seeing footage from years ago. Back in the land of Technicolor, Cameron walks by Tennisha holding his skateboard and not carrying a helmet. "Hey, Tennisha, what up?" he says. "Hey, Cam!" she preens, but he just walks on by. Tennisha turns to us and tells us that Cameron dumped her and didn't tell anyone -- including her.
Meanwhile in the Garden of Good and Plenty, Elizabeth "By the way my last name is" Parker is sitting on a bench drinking coffee wearing the Robe of Recent Sex. The Good Doctor comes out of the house pulling on a jacket. "Where are you off to?" Elizabeth asks. Flash to a monkey swinging on a branch. "Having mated," the FOX guy continues, "the satisfied male of the species moves off, back into the jungle." "I got a gallbladder at ten-thirty," he exhales. Sexy. Elizabeth asks if he has time for breakfast. He doesn't. Lunch? She gives him a "coffee, tea or me?" smile as he says they'll figure it out. He puts on his ultra-cool "They call me Dr. Cockrock" shades. "I gotta run," he says, while wiggling his fingers on both hands in front of his face, which makes me think that he's trying to say, "Don't wanna touch ya anymore. Bye!" "Didn't know I needed to make an appointment," Elizabeth says to no one, because no one listens to Elizabeth.
"I can't find any of my friends," the song sings out to me. We are swirling in a school hallway with only poor Meghan frozen in the middle. Don't worry, Meghan, you'll find one. You have a new best friend every week. Meghan is staring at Dan through a classroom window. People are moving quickly past Dan, too, but he's still. Meghan flashes back to the "hair check" again (which we flashed back to in the "previously" section as well) and I lose my pizza all over my floor. Meghan's hair is sad. Julia jerks her out of her daze and acts like she's just your average-not-screwing-any-minors Lit teacher. She asks Meghan if she's okay. "I'm sorta late," Meghan says as she turns. Julia stops her to give her a book. "Reviving Ophelia. One of my students back in Austin turned me on to it."
Hey, man, don't look at me, I just work here.
Just in case you were wondering, I checked it out on Amazon.com. The book's full title is Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. It's about how girls get "poisoned" into having low self-esteem, and how the girls with higher intelligence have a tendency to become more depressed "because they are more aware of their surroundings and therefore more aware of the new constraints they face as they leave childhood." But "a reader from Tuscon" says, "Do not be fooled by this book's hope-inducing, yeah, yo-go-girl [sic], strong woman of the '90s title. It's all a bunch of melarky [sic], if you ask me. Yeah, I'm a teenage girl, you know, and I been through some Cr@p in my life, but i [sic] didn't allow myself to become some kind of detached, prince-loving, purple-jeans-wearing kind of weirdo." I no longer understand what the book is exactly, but I am interested in the chapter on Prince fans and detachment. Julia tells Meghan she'll see her in class and Meghan asks us in a voice-over, "How weird is this?" She says that Julia is acting like nothing ever happened and in case we are watching this show without a frontal lobe, they once again flash back to the scene where Meghan sees Dan with his shoes off and Julia fastening her sweater. Meghan hair-tucks as she tells us that the worst part is she can't talk to anyone about it, not even her parents. She can't forget it, she tells us as we fade to white and bring on the opening theme music.
In the School Without Classes, Meghan is surrounded in Apple product placement. She stares into the monitor of her iMac, while behind her someone types on an iBook. Oh, just in case you were wondering, I still haven't received mine. Apparently the earthquake in Taiwan doesn't affect the Center Of the Universe Family. Bitter, thy name is pamie. Cue the five-note Get Real jingle as Meghan peers around her tangerine-flavored machine and sees Dan walk into her class. Her hair is depressed because she can't even look at him. Meghan blinks a lot and then decides she can't just sit there and pretend this whole thing didn't happen. She walks over to Dan's iMac in Blueberry. "How long?" she asks. "We shouldn't talk about this here," he says and looks around, but everyone else is too busy thinking different. "Were you seeing her when we were still together?" Meghan warbles. The Homicide camera wheels around to Dan as he says, "Come on, Meghan, don't do this." "My God," Meghan sneers, cueing the five-note Get Real jingle on the sensitive oboe, "here I was missing you, thinking there was this outside chance that you and me [sic] could be together. Do you know how stupid I feel right now?" Meghan scrunches her face to try and make some tears. The oboe hits a sensitive high note. "Do you have any idea?" Beep! Meghan gets flashed back into reality. She has fallen asleep and has received a message. The screen shot has a large eagle with "Truman High School Advanced Computer Lab" written across with a "chat mail message" open on the screen. It says:
From: Dan Royce
To: Meghan Greenwe have to talk.
"We have to talk" blinks over and over as Meghan looks over at Dan. He blinks. She blinks and wipes her forehead with her hand. Oh, the pain of modern technology. Good thing she's Pretty in Tangerine.
Kenny is at the bus stop taking pictures of himself with a Polaroid Product Placement while waiting for Rebecca. He got there early so she would know how excited he was about this. He's happy they are doing this because now when they do have sex, she'll know that he's "totally serious about her." A bus drives by. No Rebecca. Another bus. Kenny has changed his position on the bench. Another bus. Kenny is lying on the bench. "The big blow-off," he says.
Mary is talking boring business talk with the guy who works for the Dodgers. He's looking at her portfolio and says that everything looks great. They keep talking business talk until Mary's neck cords accidentally pop open one of the buttons on her blouse. "Oh, quit the formalities and hire her already," a woman says. "Hey, you!" Mary shouts as she goes into the arms of another best friend. They tell each other they look gorgeous and the woman hugs the man and gives him a kiss so we know Dodgers Guy and New Best Friend are married. They make plans for drinks the night and tell Mary they will most likely have something to celebrate. Mary gives a Skeletor smile as we hear, "The beautiful --" and I laugh. "The helpless..." the voice-over continues as we see another nature shot.
"The prey," Tennisha finishes as we fade in to a group of high-school girls standing around and smiling but not really talking about anything. Cameron does a circle on his skateboard (helmet on) as he watches them. Oh, I just want to mention that it was right here where the opening credits finally stopped rolling. That's over three scenes, people. Shots of Cameron scoping babes. Babes turn into shots of deer in the plains. Cameron. Babes. One babe stands tall. She is The Chosen One. A bell rings to signify that everyone must move around and talk somewhere else in the school for a while and The Chosen One leans down prop one leg up on the bench and adjust her strappy sandal because that's what pretty girls do. There's some babble to the effect that once the prey is separated from the group the hunt begins, as Cameron squats on his board to check out The Chosen One's butt, and then starts to skate over to her. Just as he reaches her, one of her friends walks over not really to talk to her, but to gesture like they are in the middle of a great conversation and Cameron just skates on by. We pan down to Tennisha who tells us that "the successful hunter is the patient hunter." She wears a vest like the Crocodile Hunter. I don't think that was on purpose.
Kenny is now back at the School Without Classes or a Linear Concept of Time walking the halls with Victor. Victor is telling Kenny that Rebecca didn't show up because he wouldn't have sex with her. "She couldn't even tell me the color of my eyes," Kenny reasons, and Victor gives him a "Dude?" look. Victor explains that they are never supposed to give up any opportunity for sex and once one of them has sex they should immediately contact the other and give graphic details. Kenny blinks six hundred and twelve times to say that "maybe Rebecca couldn't sneak out because of her father." He had the Bad Dad Deadbolt on. Victor says, "Or maybe she realized, 'Hmm...Why skip school with a guy who didn't even want to see my girl stuff?'" Kenny finishes the recap of the last episode by saying, "Hey, she said I made her feel like the most important person on the planet." Victor says it doesn't matter because she's not there. Cool Dude Testosterone Guitar plays as Kenny blinks alone.
"Mitch, you're a man," Elizabeth reminds us. "You don't like to talk, you hide your emotions, you compartmentalize." "Hey!" Eric shouts from my bathroom, "You tell that old lady to watch her mouth!" "How can a woman tell if a man's feelings towards her have changed?" Mitch asks if this is before or after sex. She tells him that's none of her business. "Well, I tried," Mitch lies. Elizabeth raises one hand like she's doing Shakespeare on Broadway and says, "Mitch, Mitch, please. I really need your advice." But she looks like she's completely lying. Good job, Mitchey. Keep those women on their knees. Mitch says that men think they want honesty but they really just dislike subtlety because they always miss it. He says that if she has a question for him, she should confront him and ask. "Confrontation. I knew you were going to say that," Elizabeth says like she's reading from a children's book. I think Dr. Feelgood slipped her something in her tea. Cue the five-note Get Real jingle as Elizabeth leaves the room.
"You aren't going to tell anyone about this, are you?" Dan consults the Mighty Oracle of the Center of the Universe. "Tell them what -- that you're sleeping with your teacher?" Meghan "What did you just say about subtle?" Green brats back. Just then a girl walks by with a creepy older man on her arm. Ew. "Why are you being so weird about this?" Dan asks her. Meghan is busy going through her day planner. I picture her thinking, "Dumped him, dumped him, made her cry, forgot about her, loser, loser, freshman, pregnant, 'Oh, I've got a dead dad, hug me,' slept with my brother, slept with my teacher -- oh, that's you." Dan gives her the "you're jealous" theory. Her hair scoffs at the very thought. She broke up with him, remember? Remember? Can any of you guys remember past ten minutes of the show or do the writers keep having to remind us?
The Homicide cameras come back out for a line that I wish I could put up here in Real Audio so you could giggle along with it. I'll try, though. Picture trying to say the line as quickly as you possibly can and then on the last two words make it a strong, hoarsey whisper (a poorly executed "stage whisper" we'd call it in the biz): "Okay, Julia's a teacher. You're a student. You're both desperate to keep this thing a secret. There's a reason for that. IT'S WRONG!" Dan says he doesn't care because he knows how he feels about Julia and he wouldn't trade it for anything. "Yeah, it's still wrong," comes Miss Debate Team's rebuttal. Dan asks how come at the party before when he told her that he was seeing someone else she said she was happy for him and now that's all changed. "That someone else is Julia," Meghan reminds us all yet again. Dan tries a different tactic and tells Meghan to remember when Julia first came to the school and how on the first day she just talked to them in class and their homework assignment was to "learn the lyrics to any Smashing Pumpkins song and recite them as poetry." As they walk down the hall they pass beneath a sign with an arrow over their heads that says "Prom King, Queen." Oh, just in case you were wondering if I did my assignment from Julia, I did. It reminds me of this episode. Ready?
emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
and cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms
the fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth
Dan says that it was because she was different that they were both drawn to her. Meghan starts to tuck her hair, realizes this scene calls for a hair-in-the-face-head-tilt, and decides not to tuck. Dan confesses that he loves Julia. Meghan seems shocked. "What are you, clinical, she's twice your age, you're gonna get killed here," Meghan machine-guns out. Dan tells her to keep out of his business and keep quiet about it because everything is fine. He opens the door and almost walks on Blonde Girl. Blonde Girl walks up to Meghan and says she thought Meghan and Dan had broken up. Meghan says that they had broken up. "So, what was that about?" Blonde Girl asks, letting us know she's Best Friend Episode Seven. I don't have to tell you that Meghan tells BFES that she doesn't want to talk about it. BFES asks if he's trying to get back together with her. Meghan tells her she doesn't want to talk about it. BFES starts up again until Meghan says, "Amy, Amy, please, please just let it go." "Okay!" Amy flippers. "It's gone!" She chews her gum as Meghan looks at her like, "I can't believe this miserable bitch has to be my best friend for a whole episode." "Thanks," she mumbles.
Kenny is using his cellphone to call Rebecca. He gets her machine. He says that he hopes she didn't get hit by a bus or something. He calls back and says he hopes she didn't take that "getting hit by a bus" thing wrong and that he was just joking. He was just hoping she has a reason to not show up and that she's just not mad at him because they didn't have sex. He calls back again to say that in case this is her family's machine he just wants them to know that "sex" is their code word for studying so they'd better have sex real soon because they've got a big test coming up. Rebecca's answering machine message must be like, "Hey. Talk," because Kenny only waits about three seconds before each message. People are behind Kenny celebrating the fact that they never have to go to class while they are in school. The Chosen One walks by as the Testosterone Guitar picks up again. She walks over to join her friends already not in conversation but nodding their heads like they are. One of them shouts, "Hey, check it out, look!" and points over towards a sidewalk where we see absolutely nothing. Then we see Cameron just skating on his board. For some reason a ramp is set up to the bike rack so Cameron can jump the ramp over the bikes shouting something that sounds like, "Waa-hee!" which is oh-so-manly. Cameron skates by the appreciative honeys and gives The Chosen One his special smile. Tennisha continues her voice-over, but I have fallen asleep. She turns to us and holds her own skateboard. Cameron skates by her and racks Kenny as he passes. Kenny is still on his cellphone. Kenny leaves one last message on Rebecca's machine about him not wanting to bug her and if she's mad at him, she should let him know.
Meanwhile, thirty kids are in fact having class, but that's okay, because, you know, like, Julia's cool and all. Amy sits to Meghan in class. Julia is going on about how she encourages independent thought, but computers have spell check. She tells the class that Meghan did excellent work and that she possesses "the virtue of clarity." Meghan asks if that's a bribe. Julia leans down to whisper that she's offended that Meghan would think so little of her. She walks off so that Dan can turn around from three rows over to stare at Meghan, because since he's injected Julia with his super-hero sperm he now has the power of super-sensitive hearing and can pick up whispered conversations near Julia's uterus when no one else can. Cue the sperm-sensitive five-note Get Real jingle as Meghan exhales and Dan exhales.
They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Hey, speaking of apples, why not check out the new G4 that Mitch is showing you right now in his new office? See how he's opening up the side door so he can install more RAM? You might want to do that, too, or perhaps install a disk drive. You'll want one, trust me. Oh, sorry, we won't take up any more of your time. Continue watching this show. If you can keep your eyes off our way-cool product. Love, Apple. Kenny comes home and Mitch asks if he's feeling well. Kenny asks if he can have a talk with Mitch. Mitch tells him to have a seat. Mitch gets up from behind his new machine, sits down to the Apple logo and stares at Kenny for three seconds before he says, "Somebody has to start this conversation, Kenny. Since it has to do with you, why don't you kick us off." Kenny smirks a bit at Mr. Patience's mothering skills as Mitch successfully kicks off the five-note Get Real jingle yet a-fucking-gain. Kenny asks why every step is so complicated in his relationship with Rebecca. He wants to know why he acts so stupid around her all the time. Mitch tells him that he can't help him because it sounds like Kenny is in love and "there's no handbook for that." I'd like to tell Father of the Year, you have no idea if Kenny is in love because you've only heard three sentences about Rebecca and it really sounds like Kenny's got himself a good crush, and telling Kenny he's in love just so you can go back to single-clicking on your big new machine doesn't exactly mean you're dealing with your family. Mitch is probably going online to chat with Rebecca's dad. Kenny asks Mitch if he really thinks that Kenny is in love. He tells him it's a "kind of love, sure." Kenny looks shocked as the five-note Get Real jingle gets really forceful on the piano, like the pianist is going, "How many more times do I have to play these notes?" Kenny says he didn't think love would feel like this. "I thought it be...fun." Mitch stops him with a, "Hey, Kenny. Congratulations." It's Miller time.
Meanwhile in the Well-We've-Got-This-One-Lit-Class-But-The-Teacher-Might-Try-and-Go-Down-On-You High School, Meghan is watching Dan watch Julia as Amy (remember, Best Friends Forever!) is reading out loud at the front of the class. Meghan is disgusted that Dan can't stop staring at Julia. "Am I the only one seeing this?" Meghan asks us. Julia rounds the corner of the aisle and walks to Dan and in a close-up we see her stroke Dan's hand with hers as she walks by. Dan swallows and does that cool Tom Cruise thing with his jaw so we know he's really going through some emotions right now. Meghan rolls her eyes, stands up, looks at Julia and says, "I'm outta here." Check it, da weeee-zeelll is leavin' claaaassss. "Dammit," Julia says with a throaty-moan because she's a cool teacher who curses.
She runs after Meghan to the hall, leaving Dan alone with his woody. Not one person seems bothered that the teacher just stormed out of the class. Out in the hallway (which for some reason doesn't contain a single soul), Julia tries to talk to Meghan. Julia says that Meghan should come back to class and they can talk afterwards. "Talk about what?" Meghan fumes. "Arts? Culture? Ethics? How 'bout law? A spiritual debate about the finer points of statutory rape?" "Think about what you're saying," Julia pleads. "I have, and it hurts," Meghan says, borrowing a little look to the right from Calista Flockhart. Julia pleads with Meghan to not tell anyone because it could ruin Dan's life. He could lose his scholarship, hurt his family, blah, blah, he's a good lay. The back of Julia's head moves one way, but when we change the shot to her face her head is in a different position. This happens three times in this scene. Meghan scoffs that Dan thinks he's in love with Julia. Julia asks what's so wrong with that. She says that Meghan needs to let go and that he needs to make his own decisions. "If you ever really loved him," she rasps, "you'll give him that." Before she can start quoting other Sting songs and relating them to the poetic merits of Jewel and Fiona, Meghan calls her a bitch and walks off. We pan back to see Dr. Sedgwick, the VP with the way-cool verbage, standing in the hallway. She gives Julia a open-mouthed look as Julia walks back to her class and we get to take a commercial break.
I'm gonna go smoke.
Mary talks up her big proposal to do the fund-raiser party. She ends with her famous "I'll make you look great."
Tennisha walks out of the girl's room and sees Cameron skate up to his locker while keeping his eyes on The Chosen One. He gives her a grin, turns his back to The Chosen One as he goes into his locker for a second, and then turns around and lifts his shirt to wipe off the sweat on his head. We see his Polos. Oh, and to settle the question on the minds of the three women who watch this show: briefs. We also see his very nice tummy. I decide to pretend it's a body double. Cut to a nature shot of a peacock strutting. The girls without conversation are, well, speechless. Cameron goes back to his locker. Tennisha rolls her eyes while Cameron and The Chosen One make "do me" eyes at each other. It's sort of like, "I'll do you." "You'll do me?" "I could do you." "I know you could." "I'm so gonna do her." "I will lose my virginity to him." Tennisha rolls her eyes so hard a contact pops out. She walks by Cameron as the Testosterone Guitar fades out and he says, "Hey, Tennisha, dig the vest." I hope she tackles him like the Crocodile Hunter she is, but instead she decides to say, "That's it? That's all you have to say to me?" And ohmigod, Cameron's like, "What?" And Tennisha's all, "What? You can't be serious, even you're not that dense." Face! And Cameron's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, this is a no-conflict zone." And Tennisha's all, "I hope someday you find your soul." Tsss. Whatever. And then Cameron's all like, "The hell is that supposed to mean?" And I'm all, like, ugh, like, forget it, dude.
Okay, this scene took longer than it needed to, so here's the important part. Mary's neck cords ask the guy with the Dodgers (who still doesn't have a name) if she got the job because she was so good at the proposal. She gets so nervous that at one point her head starts twitching back and forth as her arms spasm up and I wonder if someone has oxygen on the set for her. He tells her to sit and says the decision is in his hands, but he's not sure if she can handle something so big. You know, like, big? He puts his wedding ring hand on her knee, brushes some hair off her forehead and tells her to meet him at the downtown Radisson ("Sponsored by Radisson. Radisson, where you can get your groove on with any married honey any day of the week.") in a couple of days and then he'll know if she's capable of doing the right thing. Because this is Get Real and because Mary is a spineless mousepad, instead of racking him right in the hoo-has, she just lowers her head and stares at him with her mouth open which conveys, instead of shock, down right horniness. Oh, and his name is Pete.
Cross-fade to Elizabeth just as I'm wishing there weren't so many damn people in this family. She's in the Good Doctor's office. He walks in and says that the nurse said it was an emergency and is she all right? "You tell me," Elizabeth says. "Is there a problem between us?" she asks with a happy-happy-la-la-la grin on her face. The doctor tells her that this woman that he's been in love with for a while is divorcing her husband and now he's going back to her. Elizabeth says "for the record" that she didn't ask for the relationship between them and that he came after her. Um, hi, Elizabeth? Yeah, uh, this is Pamie. I've been watching the show since the beginning, and...uh, well, he like, tried to dump you about three different times and then you took off that ring and then you took off your top and I don't think he was putting any roofies in your Metamucil. I'm just saying. For the record. "I hope she's worth what you've just thrown away," Elizabeth says as she leaves the Good Doctor's office.
The VP leaves a message on the machine asking Mitch or Mary to come down to her office tomorrow to discuss Meghan. Mitch gives Meghan a look as Meghan's hair looks down innocently as the Testosterone Guitar starts cranking up again.
Rain is falling as The Chosen One and Cameron come face-to-face in the parking lot as Tennisha goes on about "the prey surrenders" or something but I'm not listening because The Chosen One is opening her mouth so wide to kiss Cameron that her bottom lip is at the bottom of his chin. She closes her mouth and does it again. She's got him air-locked from nose to neck. Nasty.
Kenny goes up to Rebecca's door. It's still raining. Rebecca opens the door. Her hair is dry. She says, "Hey." She pushes him out the door and asks, "What are you doing here?" Her hair is wet. They walk out into the rain as Kenny asks what's going on, why isn't she returning his calls? "I left, like, eighteen messages on your machine." "We don't have an answering machine," she says. Wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaah. Rebecca then says what I predicted aptly just four nights ago: she's moving. "You know, the whole military thing?" she reminds us. "When?" he asks. "Tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" She says she has to go pack. He asks her to wait. She turns around and says she's done this drill before. She's practically already gone so he should just get over it. She goes inside the house and leans against the door in tears.
Cue the musical rain montage. Kenny walks off with his cargo pants sagging with pocket puddles. Mary is in her car crying. Meghan is leaning against her giant bay window watching the rain. She's not crying, but, you know, she can't. She raises her hand to trace the fog on the window. What will she write? Will it be "Dan" with a heart around the letters? "I RuLe U?" "MeGhAn RoX!" No, not our intellectual. She writes, "TELL," as the song goes on about finding the words to say, and then she wipes it away with her hand. Meghan lowers her head to see if this is it, if this is the one scene where she can actually make real tears come out of her eyes. She's got her fingernails dug deeply into her palms. She's sitting on a tack. She's blinking. She's blinking. Will this be the scene? Nope. Fade to commercial.
Mitch is setting the kitchen table while strummy music goes on. Mary comes in and tells him she's had a rough day. Mitch tells her Meghan got in some sort of thing and he's going to take care of it at school tomorrow. They take the long way for Mary to tell Mitch that the guy came onto her. "Son of a bitch! I'll kill him!" Stock Response Writer 4.0 churns out for Mitch to say. "Mitch, don't go there," Mary replies, so something must be wrong with the program. She says she's going to handle it on her own. Fighting, fighting, fighting. Mary says she's going to go to drinks over there tomorrow to find out if the marriage is any good and then decide if she's going to say something. Mitch hugs her but doesn't mean it.
Kenny tells Victor he got dumped. "Dumped in the rain. Harsh," Victor says, pretending that wasn't a manipulated line from Say Anything.... Kenny whines that Rebecca couldn't even look him in the eyes. "If she did she would have seen that I was already missing her." Victor gives Kenny a look like, "Dude, when she was in the rain, did she get her boobs wet?" He mumbles about chicks being chicks.
Pan up on the huge name plate of DR. SEDGWICK VICE PRINCIPAL. She wears a Scully suit and tries to get to the bottom of the problem. Here's the breakdown. Meghan's hair doesn't want to talk no matter what Mitch and VP say. She opens her mouth to speak and Julia comes in and says she's sorry she's late but she just wanted to say the whole thing was a misunderstanding and really her fault. She encourages an unconventional classroom and sometimes that freedom can get out of hand like it did yesterday and it was she who was out of line, not Meghan, and that she's sorry. VP asks if Meghan has anything to add to that and Meghan smiles and says no as the five-note Get Real jingle kicks in.
Out in the lonely hallway Mitch asks if he can get the real story from Meghan. Meghan says it's something she needs to handle on her own. Mitch says she's just like her mother. They stand in a backlit doorway like Danny and Sandy during "Love is a Many Splendored Thing." They hug. Meghan gets her navel ring stuck in Mitch's sweater. Oh, the hilarity.
Meanwhile, Mary is scoping out her new best friend Susan to see if the marriage is too good to break up. Surprise, surprise, he goes on long business trips and has picked up "a few bad habits." "I'm guessing you're not talking about golf," Mary "Carrot Top" Green responds. Susan decides that she sounds pathetic. Mary assures her that she's a good person and that she deserves a husband that she can trust and who cares about her. The Center of the Universe has spoken.
In the World's Largest Kitchen, Cameron is on the phone to one of his dudes talking about how Tennisha's all weird and like, tripping out and "spouting weirdness." Elizabeth is making a sandwich smiling her knowing Grandmother smile. Cameron hangs up and Elizabeth says, "I'm curious, maybe you could give me some insight into the mind of a womanizer." Cameron laughs and says, "It's a new millennium. We prefer 'player.'" Elizabeth goes on about how Cameron never stays with a girl more than a couple of weeks. He says that after they "hook up" they just move on. Elizabeth asks if a girl has ever left him. He laughs and says "no." Elizabeth tells him that it is a big deal to the girl who got dumped. "Trust me," she says, kicking off the five-note Get Real jingle as Cameron looks up. He exhales, exhales and says, "Time heals all, Gramma." She exhales and tells him to save the clichés. She tells him that the time one of his girlies is "spouting weirdness, have the courage to ask her why." She leaves as Cameron exhales with a giant eye-roll. I'm just wondering how many episodes are going to have Cameron and Elizabeth following similar plotlines.
A knock on a door. Through the peephole Pete sees Mary waiting at the door. He turns around and checks his hair, puts a strawberry in a champagne glass, fills it with champagne from the ice bucket, purses his lips, looks himself in the mirror and actually winks at himself. Pete then puts down his copy of Generic Television Smarmy Guys: The Art of One-Dimension and goes to answer the door. Guess who's at the door? Not Mary! It's the ol' switcheroo, Get Real fans. Susan is fuming at the door and Pete is busted. Susan turns around so we can see Mary far down the hall getting into the elevator. I mean way down the hall, like from a mile away. You know, like where we saw this plot from? Her neck cords push the button for the bottom floor as we fade to commercial.
We fade up on Mitch sitting in his living room drinking a bottle of beer. And if you're going to drink a beer, make sure it's the same beer as Mitch Green drinks. Beck's beer. Beck's, for when you absolutely positively have a family but prefer to be too smashed to care about them. Mary enters, plops on the couch and tells Mitch not to count on those box seats. He says it's okay since the Dodgers suck this year. An interesting comment since baseball is over but, you know, whatever. Mary puts her feet in Mitch's lap for a rub as she says that the minute Pete propositioned her she lost a friend. "Which one?" I wish Mitch would ask, but he's pretending he cares at the moment. Mitch goes on to say that it's hard living at home and "listening to everybody's problems," and how he remembers coming home and listening to Mary list off everyone's problems but not really listening. He makes a confession: "I thought you had it easy." Now he's thinking about working out of state. Mary makes him promise to take her with him as she curls in for the cuddle. It's hard being a dad for two days. Can we have a moment of silence for Mitch's sacrifices?
Thanks.
Meghan is walking down the hallway of the School Without Classes as some extra who I think used to sing for the New Radicals bulldozes her shoulder. She drops her bag. "'Scuze you," she sneers while rolling her eyes. Her teen feminist book has fallen out. She opens it to read the inscription. Meghan reads it out loud in case we really are as dumb as she thinks we are. "To the coolest teacher ever to hit Austin. Don't ever change! Love, Cindy Plonkitt, '97." I call Information and get Cindy's number. I got her machine. Meghan rolls her eyes toward heaven as she exhales and goes to throw the book away. She stops herself, looks around and we fade to Kenny in another room. It appears that Kenny is in a library or something because there are tables and some people are asleep, but there is a teacher at the front of the classroom, but she isn't saying anything. Kenny is lamenting over Rebecca being gone as a wad of paper hits him in the head. He looks up to see Victor gesturing towards him. Instead of walking over to Victor he opens the paper which reads "Rebecca is Here!" in these huge letters. Kenny stares at the paper for about fifteen seconds and then looks up at Victor who is still gesturing like he's the Scarecrow on his way to Oz.
Kenny runs up to the teacher and says he needs to be excused for an intestinal emergency. The teacher looks at him and nods her head to the right. He runs off. Kenny walks over to Victor who tells him that Rebecca is at her locker. "Rebecca, you're sure it's Rebecca?" "Uh, blonde, short...red bra?" Kenny hands him the crumpled note and runs off in the direction of Rebecca. "I didn't know Kenny could run," Victor says as the extras at the end of the hallway turn to watch Kenny around the corner as if to say, "Somethin's up with the boy!" Cue wacky swing music (think the episode in Moonlighting where everyone was running around the hotel hallways, or the end of Clue, but take out the funny). Fwa-na-nah, fwa-na-nah! Kenny turns the corner and runs towards the stairs -- Oops! The stairs are out of order! Ruh-roh! Fwa-na-nah, fwa-na-nah! Kenny runs back the direction he came from and passes two other extras who stare like, "Somethin's wrong with the boy!" Fwa-na-nah, fwa-na-nah! Kenny passes Tennisha, who says, "I didn't know Kenny could run." She shakes her head and walks off. Fwa-na-nah, fwa-na-nah! Kenny gets to the end of the hallway and sees Rebecca cleaning out her locker. He stops. "Rebecca!" he shouts as we pan back down the long hallway and the bell rings. Fwa-na-nah, fwa-na-nah! "Rebecca!" Rebecca, of course, can't hear Kenny over the wacky swing music. All eight hundred students in the school stand in the hallway, and don't give Kenny the decency they give the other two Green kids to never, ever be in the way. Fwa-na-nah, fwa-na-nah! Men with sideburns and beards cower over Kenny as he tries to squirm his way through the crowd. Fwa-na-nah, fwa-na-nah! He walks past a fifty-year-old man. "Rebecca!" He gets to the locker, but it's open and empty. No Rebecca. Fwa-na-nah, fwa-na-nah! The locker is empty except for a pen. He gave her his heart and she gave him a pen.
Instead of turning the corner to see where Rebecca went, or maybe trying to follow her to her house, Kenny just stands at the locker long enough for Helmet Head to turn the corner on his killer board. As he skates down the hallway girls are jumping out of the way like he's on fire. Cameron beelines over to Tennisha as the fifty-year-old dude from before shakes his head at kids these days. "You're impeding my progress," Tennisha says, crossing her arms. Exhale. Exhale. Exhale. Cameron's all talking about how when she was trying to tell him that he was being a jerk he like, so didn't get it, but like now, he like, so gets it, you know? And Tennisha's all tsk, and Cameron's all, "I am so sorry you got caught up in all of my moves. All right? I did not mean to play you like that." And Tennisha's like, so not buying it, right? So Cameron's all, "To me you were-- NO!" he yells like she was like interrupting him and everything? But like she wasn't? So, you know he was like, wiggin' or some shit, and he's all saying that she's all special, and I'm like, "Special Ed! Ha!" but she like can't hear me because she's on the t.v.? So she, like, totally didn't get my joke. Anyway, she's all, "I'm so over you, you know." And Cameron's all, "Great. Because I was thinking that, you know, it'd be cool if we could just hang out again." And she's all what about Nicole and he's all I just want to be friends. Like, Tennisha starts wigglin' her head and shit-talking about how Cameron doesn't know how to be friends with a woman but he's all like wanting to try and stuff? So she's like I don't know, and he's like, you're my only chance and stuff? So, she's like, okay, we'll try and stuff. So, I don't know, I guess they're cool. And they start walking down the hall and he puts his arm around her, so you know, they'll probably hook up anyway.
Back in the American Lick class, Julia is working at her desk as Meghan tromps in. "I want you to resign," Meghan says, and her hair is really serious this time. "Can we please call a truce?" Julia asks, and Meghan has this one piece of hair that's fallen in front of her ear now that Dan's not around to give her the "hair check." She's falling apart. Julia continues with, "I don't want to be your enemy and frankly, I don't have the time." Meghan's hair is tucked back behind her ear as she says, "I'm serious." Julia starts walking towards Meghan as she says, "Look. Hooking up with Dan was a mistake. You think I don't know that? I let myself get close to my students emotionally. This one time it got out of hand. You got hurt and I'm sorry, I never meant for that to happen." Meghan's hair is untucked as she says, "No, you know what? I'm not interested." Julia grabs Meghan by the snotty arm and pulls her around to say, "I am a great Lit teacher." Meghan's hair is tucked again as Julia says, "And believe me, there aren't too many of us out there, especially at public high schools." Um, okay. I guess all it takes is Tori Amos and Smashing Pumpkins and suddenly I'm supposed to be on the table screaming "O Captain, My Captain!" Meghan's hair is untucked again as Julia's mouth moves one way and the sound dub has her saying, "But you're not going to give up, are you?" Meghan's hair is tucked as Julia says, "You've declared war and you're going to win no matter who gets hurt." Meghan's hair is untucked as she says, "You can't dump this all on me, I am not the one who started this," as if that is one sentence. Meghan's hair darts back behind her ear as Julia says, "Fine. If you want me to resign, I'll resign. Will that make you happy? Will that make everything in your life better?" "No," Meghan interrupts as her hair gets untucked. "I didn't think so," Julia says, but her mouth is saying something different and Meghan's hair gets tucked again. Untucked hair says, "Quitting isn't enough." Julia looks at Meghan and sees her now tucked hair. Close-up on Meghan's face and her untucked hair as she says, "You have to tell them why." Julia looks at TuckedHair and says, "I do that and I'll never teach again." UnTuckedHair gives a smirk. "Yeah." Julia gives TH a gaping exhale. "Look, this has gone far enough, Meghan. It is not my fault that you and Dan didn't work out." But she looks up and she's talking to UTH Meghan who starts doing that thing with her mouth where her chin pulls down and her upper lip meets her nose and she's talking about how she's thought a lot about this and that Julia and Dan have nothing to do with her decision. Yeah, that's what we figured. Julia is now talking to TH Meghan as she says, "You sure?" UTH Meghan starts talking, but the sound doesn't come out right away, and then the sound changes so it's like she's talking directly into a microphone as she says, "I called Cindy Plonkitt in Austin --" and while she says this, she changes from TH to UTH back to TH with every frame. "She told me about Bobby Henson, and what the two of you did." As she speaks she hands the book to Julia, but at the end there's sound but Meghan's TH mouth isn't moving anymore. Julia is obviously amazed at Meghan's ventriloquism skills and her Medusa-like hair and she gives Meghan the guilty look. Meghan continues with UTH: "She couldn't remember, um, gah, if he was fourteen or fifteen at the time." They look at each other for a while as the sensitive oboe plays and Julia finally breaks the silence with, "Teaching is all I have, Meghan." "I know." "I deserve another chance, forget this, let it go." "I can't." "Why not?" "Because I have a fifteen-year-old brother," Meghan says with her nose turning red, but no tears really showing no matter how warbly she makes her voice. She runs out of the room. Julia makes her tears well just a bit to show off as we fade to black.
Cindy Plonkitt called me and was like, "I so told her not to tell anybody! That bitch!"
Kenny opens up his locker in the School Without Linear Time and finds his locker filled with Polaroid pictures of Rebecca. And remember, if you plan on moving, spend your last few moments using a Polaroid camera. Polaroid, for when you absolutely, positively want to be there, but you've got a Bad Dad. The pictures are all taken in front of Kenny's locker with Rebecca showing cleavage, shoving her fingers in her mouth, giggling at the camera. Kenny takes this as a good sign that Rebecca was thinking about him. He says he has to go see her and say goodbye. Victor says this could be his last chance to get laid "this century." Kenny turns around at the end of the hallway and shouts, "This isn't about sex!" "Yeah, well, you know, if she offers it, don't say no!" No one in the Nosy School even so much as glances as Kenny runs out of the school.
Meghan is curled in a fetal position at the bottom of the staircase, but none of the students trip on her because of her Center Of the Universe Force Field that keeps people out of her way. Best Friend Episode Seven Amy walks up and asks if Meghan heard that Julia quit. Meghan says she heard as she tucks back her hair. "I can't believe it; she was such a good teacher," Amy warbles. "Yeah, she was," Meghan smiles, as if Julia had died. "You okay?" Meghan asks Amy. "Yeah," Amy exhales, "I'm just really gonna miss her." In the background a woman begins singing a falsetto. "Yeah, me too," Meghan says. "Call me if you need to talk, okay?" Meghan says, signaling the end of Best Friend Episode 7. Amy walks off. Meghan looks up and sees Dan breaking the force field and walking down the stairs. "Dan? Dan? Dan? Dan, please wait, Dan?" "What do you want?" His lick-grin has dissolved. Meghan's hair alternates between messy and straight throughout the scene as Dan says that she did exactly what he asked her not to do and "completely wrecked" his and Julia's lives. "No, no, no, um, no, that's not true," Meghan's lips curl down. Dan interrupts this time and says, "You don't get it. But fine. I mean, whatever makes you happy because clearly that's what this has all been about. You." I plan to email Dan and tell him he could have known that weeks ago if he just read Mighty Big TV. Meghan scrunches her face as hard as she can to generate tears of pain and suffering but nothing seems to work. "Dan, um, it was really the right thing to do," she says, without telling him why or anything and just assuming he'd trust the Center of the Universe. "Yeah, you just keep believing that," he says with a nod and a lick. He leaves through the door in slow motion as the song tells us, "In the street today. But that was yesterday. Oh, that was yesterday." Yeah, I feel the depth, too.
Meghan is walking the Lonely Walk of Shame through some park-looking place as she reminisces that Julia told her that she had the gift of clarity. "Now the only thing that's clear is that I lost two friends in one day," Meghan voice-overs with a hair flip. "I did the right thing. I absolutely know that. So, when does it stop hurting?" Hey, Meghan, generally the pain stops about thirty minutes after the episode, but sometimes it can last the evening or so. I generally find getting sloppy drunk makes me forget about the bad writing and repetitive music. But that's just me. You should find your own way to deal.
I think the scene is about Mitch and Mary but it's hard to see them behind the giant Mac monitor and G4 tower. Mitch is swiveling in his chair as he and Mary have some sort of sex-on-the-chair moment while saying that Susan will be okay. "It must be a guy thing," Mary sums up the swivel theory, but I don't get it.
Kenny runs past Cameron shooting hoops so that Cameron could finish the Comedy Rule of Threes and say, "I didn't know Kenny could run." Fwa-na-nah, fwa-na-nah! Kenny is running after the moving truck screaming, "Stop! Stop the truck! Rebecca! Stop! Stop the truck! Rebecca! Rebecca!" The truck of course, pulls away and doesn't run Kenny over, much to our disappointment. Not even a little nick. He looks up and Rebecca says, "Hey! Why would I be inside the moving van?" and I laugh my first-ever laugh while watching Get Real. Oh, Rebecca, we hardly knew ye. "I, uh, I couldn't tell ya," Kenny says while walking over to her. "I wanted to say goodbye to you." Rebecca says she did too but she's really bad at it. She tries not to get attached because she's always moving, but this time she did. Kenny says he knows that this is what goes on in her life and he'll probably never see her again. "I've never said this to any girl I wasn't related to. I love you." They kiss for a while. "You know it's never been easy to love somebody like me, don't leave," the song sings in the background. They break their kiss and Rebecca smiles and says, "I love you too, Kenny Green." She may not know his eye color, ladies and gentlemen, but she does know his full name and that's enough. They hug and Rebecca walks away, waves and gets in the car no matter how many times the song keeps singing, "Don't leave." Pan up on a very sad Kenny watching the car gets smaller and smaller as we fade to white and come to the end of the episode.
Well, Kenny never asked Rebecca where she was moving, but since he's got that iBook and they seem to constantly be chatting you'd think that he'll continue to talk to Rebecca and probably play a bit with some webcams and such, so I wouldn't worry too much. Plus, since the kids on the FOX Get Real forum are going nuts that Rebecca's gone, I'm sure that in two weeks she'll call and say, "I was just moving to the subdivision, Kenny. Gah, I swear, you always blow everything into this big deal. You think I'd just pack up and go without giving you my new address? Get real." Oh, indeed, young Rebecca. You've touched all of our hearts, and made us all learn a little something about ourselves. At the end of the day, don't you think that every one of us should look deep within ourselves and just "get real?" Sometimes it's harder than it seems. Goodbye, Rebecca Peabody. We'll miss your pre-pubescent cleavage and your multi-colored bras. And goodbye to you too, Dr. Chris Carlisle. We never knew what you practiced, even though your methods were a little unethical, and we only really learned your full name this episode, but you taught us a valuable lesson as well. No matter how old they get, men can still be total and complete assholes. Thanks for making us see how no matter how much you compromise and sacrifice your ethics and pride you could still get dumped for the girl with the perfect blow job.