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S01E04

During the commercial break, I have both.

Mitch makes the obituary phone call as Mary hugs him from behind. The three Green kids, who have Lo-Jacks that keep them from being more than fifty feet from each other at any time, enter and stare from the back of the room. The five-note Get Real jingle on oboe continues its sad song, but the guitar takes over. "Do you ever think about Dad dying?" Kenny asks. "I used to, sometimes," Meghan responds, and we see she's in a bubble bath. Kenny sits on the floor beside her in the creepiest scene FOX has ever aired. They discuss death and Mitch until Meghan gets freaked and tells him she "can't go there," and then kicks him out because she's starting to "de-bubble." Mitch is telling Mary that he's mad at Jeff. We see Joanne in an empty bed. Mitch tries to ask Mary if she thinks about him dying and she says she doesn't want to discuss it. For a family that always makes everything about them, they sure are making it annoying to listen to them not think about others and not talk about themselves. Mary cuddles Mitch in her sleep.

Sleepless Joanne clutches a pillow. I feel more empathy for Joanne in that second that I've ever felt for everyone in Get Real combined.

Mary's party is getting crazy. She asks Cameron, who seems to have given up his skateboard for his basketball, to do some faxing and phone calls for her. I guess she didn't read his PSAT scores.

Mitch and Mary are at Joanne's. Mary is telling Joanne how the reception is going to be, as if Joanne gives a shit whether the paté is going to be fresh. Mitch refills Joanne's water cooler bottle. Mary says "shmear" so we know that Mitch and Mary are down with the fact that Jeff and Joanne are Jewish. I wonder if every couple in Get Real have the first same initial, and that initial goes along with their religion. I guess Mitch and Mary are Methodist. Mitch is going to give the eulogy. Lily doesn't want to speak at the service. Joanne is the best actress this show has ever seen. She's tired and is aware of the bad writing. She talks about how she found Jeff's socks in the dryer. She mentions how they had sex in the shower. Mitch gives a creepy knowing look and kisses her on the head. She wonders who's going to change the water bottle now. She hands a CD to Mitch to play at the funeral, saying it was Jeff's favorite. Meghan open's Lily's garage door and interrupts her quiet moment but doesn't care. Lily is wearing Jeff's old shirt. She smells it and talks about how she was "Daddy's Little Girl." The garage was their private place. She touches his chair and talks about how much he loved it. She gets upset that he won't be there anymore to stick up for her when boys are mean, or like when she went through "that embarrassing Björk phase." We learn more about Jeff's character through Lily's monologue than the three minutes at the beginning of the show when he was supposed to win our hearts. Meghan interrupts her and gives her a hug. Meghan smiles.

Cameron is skateboarding (helmet on) while carrying a basketball. He skates up to Meghan. She and Lily dog him about getting Meghan in trouble with Mary. He asks Lily if her grandmother knows she took her car. Meghan retorts with, "Uh! Is there even a filter between your brain and your mouth?" "Actually, uh, uh...no." Brilliant! Give that writer an Emmy! He skates off and yowls. The girls give him an "isn't he cute?" smile.

Jeff arrives late to his lunch date with Mitch. He explains that he was watching his wife Joanne in the shower and ended up boning her. "A nooner, huh?" Mitch asks, as if he has sex. "You horndog." Jeff tells Mitch through a mouthful of food that Mitch doesn't seize the moment "or the wife." Mitch glares. "Where's my fifty bucks? Am I gonna have to send Tony Soprano after you?" The following guy-dialogue ensues: "The check's in the mail." "You knew you were gonna see me," Mitch whines. "Gee, I did it to piss you off," Jeff continues through more food. "Yeah, well, it's working." Mitch begins to talk about David again, whom I thought we had already established as Mitch's best friend, but I guess for the purposes of this Very Special Episode, Jeff will fill the best friend role. They discuss their jobs and whether it's important to like your job. Jeff tells Mitch he's got a great life. "You've got a wife with zzz," is what I heard, since something went screwy with the digital cable. I'll assume based off the Get Real writers that the deleted word was "tits." They make up and continue eating.

Mary is updating the party situation to her client. None of us care about this party for a seven-year-old. Here's what you need to know: there's a DJ, a "bouncy house," a magician, popcorn, cotton candy, a clown, a petting zoo, and "unconfirmed is Michael Flatley."

Cut to shot of the largest kitchen in America. Mitch is on the phone and fades out. Kenny and Cameron fade in and argue, fade out. People fade in and grab food out of the fridge as the light gets darker outside and we hear Meghan's voice shake as she gives this voice-over: "Of course, we had no way of knowing it, but later that night something happened that we'd never forget. When your phone rings at three in the morning, you pray it's a wrong number. If not, it's bad news."

Cue phone ringing. Shot of clock saying 3:17 AM.

"Always bad news." Pan up to phone by clock. Pan up to phone by doorway, phone in hallway, phone in foyer, phone at top of stairs. There are fifteen rooms in this house, easily. The kids come creeping out to see Mitch take off. Mary delivers the bad news. "Jeff had a heart attack." He's dead. They all hug as Cameron's cheek does this twitchy thing. Fade to five-note Get Real jingle as Meghan gets on her computer and we hear this voice-over as she talks: "Lily, I just heard. I'm so sorry. I don't know what room you're in right now or when you're going to see this..." As if the first thing a teen does when she loses her dad is go straight to the computer to talk to Natas666 and CaRtMaNRullZ in "teenspirit." Lily is, of course, crying in what we assume is her mom's lap. They cry without tears as Meghan finishes her IM with "I love you."

A small gathering happens at Jeff's place as we hear the five-note Get Real jingle on clarinet. Mary offers to throw the reception. Joanne says she shouldn't because it's the same day as the big birthday party. Mary says she wants to. Joanne then explains how Jeff died. "He was in the bathroom brushing his teeth." She heard a noise and went to check on him. "He was laying [sic] on the floor, the toothbrush buzzing around to him." I tell myself that's not funny. Mary's face shows she's telling herself the same thing. Lily continues the story but she's talking to Meghan. They talk about seeing dead people. Meghan listens, interrupts, listens. Her hair is sad.

Rebecca passes Kenny a note saying she knows what he's going through, but he doesn't read it. He's thinking about his dad.

Mitch walks into the funeral home and we hear the five-note Get Real jingle on oboe. He sits to a casket and starts talking to Jeff. He tells him that Lily and Joanne are hanging in there. He reminds him that he still owes him fifty bucks. He bitches about Jeff not taking care of himself and now nobody is there for him anymore. Who's gonna tell him when Springsteen's in concert? Who's gonna bitch about sports? Who's gonna talk about how Letterman sucks? It's always about Mitch, isn't it? It turns out he's talking to an empty casket. "You would have loved this," he says to Jeff. Meghan voice-overs that her dad needs either a good laugh or a good cry.

During the commercial break, I have both.

Sleepless Joanne clutches a pillow. I feel more empathy for Joanne in that second that I've ever felt for everyone in Get Real combined.

Mary's party is getting crazy. She asks Cameron, who seems to have given up his skateboard for his basketball, to do some faxing and phone calls for her. I guess she didn't read his PSAT scores.

Elizabeth is telling the doctor that she doesn't think she can go through Jeff's funeral. What is it with this family? How selfish can they be? Everything is about them. Their fears, their needs, their feelings! The doctor offers to go with Elizabeth. She says she needs to do it on her own. He says that's not how couples act. She says maybe she's not ready to be a couple. Ouch. Sorry, doctor. No more house calls. Whatever, this is Get Real. She'll be back in your arms in two hours. Cameron plays basketball and yells his commentary as Meghan think-talks: "I'm looking at the definition of ambivalence." We see her as she continues, "And you're looking at the definition of 'pissed off.'" Kenny is ignoring Rebecca's phone calls. He talks to Elizabeth about his fears of Mitch dying. She tells him he can't live that way or he's not really living. Meghan takes Cameron's basketball and throws it over the fence. He's mad because he just stole that ball from the school. She wheels around for the Meghan-Lays-Into-Cameron-For-Being-A-Selfish-Idiot portion of the show. This is the time when her lips sneer up; her voice trembles, and her hands push her hair back often so we know she feels frustration. She accuses Cam of being emotionless because he's walking around like this is "Pleasantville." "And I have to explain myself to you because?" Cam asks while pushing his hair back in astonishment. "Because Lily is my best friend," Meghan says, which should come as a shock to everyone. She says she's "feeling all capsized" and that Cam's got an amusement park for a brain. Cameron snorts his sweat into his nose and asks if Meghan wants to know what's going on inside his head. Does she really want to know what's going on, what's really going on? "I don't know," he enlightens us. He says he's just like Jeff. He's an original thinker, weird, funny, and lives in the now. "If you can't tell I'm grieving big-time right now then you don't understand anything about me or Jeff." Meghan thinks she might not understand anything about anything and she runs her hands through her hair to illustrate that emotion as we fade to white.

Meghan discusses in a recap about how everyone in her family is grieving differently. Elizabeth hands Mitch a letter he got in the mail. He says he recognizes the handwriting and shoves it in his pocket. Kenny tries to talk to him but he walks off. Elizabeth tells Mary not to keep her grief inside like she did when "Dad" died and she had a nervous breakdown. Cue five-note Get Real jingle as Rebecca tries to talk to Kenny. He asks if he can be alone. He doesn't want to stop thinking about Jeff or his dad and he doesn't want to be distracted by her. She says she's cool with that and walks off. Meghan walks in to Mitch working on the eulogy. She gives him a picture of Mitch and Jeff eating spaghetti. He watches old videos of the two of them at a barbecue. Jeff kisses Mitch on the mouth. Mitch rewinds and watches them kiss over and over until Kenny walks in and hugs him. Mary tries to get the birthday party finalized and get a run in her stocking and freaks out a little on her bed. Meghan asks if her butt looks okay in her funeral dress. Two words: Self. Absorbed. Mary makes the creepy statement: "I used to wipe that butt." They hug. Mitch stands in front of the casket in the funeral room (because time shifts freely in this world) and opens the letter. It's the fifty-dollar check, of course. Jeff didn't sign it, of course. The oboe kicks in.

Six hundred and fifty-seven people show up for the funeral. Mary, Elizabeth and the Doctor (see, I told you) sit behind Lily and Joanne. The only young person I see is a girl in a wheelchair. For some reason Kenny, Meghan and Cameron are standing at the back of the temple, by the exit door. I assume this is so the director can get a good shot of all three of them at once. I called five of my Jewish friends to see if this was a custom that I was unaware of. Matt said it was possibly an Orthodox custom, but he wasn't sure. Marc said he'd never heard of such a thing, but he's not the strictest Jew and often when television shows have Jewish customs they do these strict services that most people don't practice. Brently's answering machine. Jason's answering machine. Lisa said she's never heard of that, but she said, "Let me look it up in my big book of Jewish questions," which I thought meant that I had insulted her a bit and she was making a joke about being some Jewish 8-Ball. That was until I heard the pages flip. "There's no mention of children having to stand in the back according to the Jewish Book of Why. Feel free to make fun of it all you want." Thanks, guys.

Back to Mitch. Sorry, was I taking away from Mitch's glory? What goes around comes around. He says that Jeff was a great kisser. He says he was full of life. He tells of the time that Jeff was over and kissed Lily and told her he loved her. In the Green Family tradition he proceeds to turn the entire eulogy into a tearful speech to his family as the five-note Get Real jingle continues in clarinet. "Meghan, honey, I love you." She cries. "Cameron, I love you." Cameron's face puffs up. "Kenny, I love you, son." "Jeff," he adds as an afterthought, "I love you, too." They play the CD. It's "Afternoon Delight." He mouths to Mary that he loves her as well. We arrive at the reception to find the big Uh-Oh. The birthday party and the funeral reception have been switched, and Joanne's house now looks like a carnival. "Jewish funerals are awesome," Cameron says. I guess he read the Jewish Book of Why as well. The clown comes into the reception area and asks, "Who died?" because he's obviously a clown of very little brain and we needed some humor to lighten this Very Special Episode. Mary talks to the pissed-off Mom.

Mitch is sitting in Jeff's car as Kenny approaches. He offers to help clean out the car. Mary apologizes to Joanne. Kenny holds up a cassette tape he found in the glove compartment and asks who the Police are and mentions that the one in the middle looks like Sting. Kenny says that Mitch's eulogy was amazing. "Well, I meant everything that I said, "Mitch says, "Especially the 'I love you' part." They have a good hug as I have a good laugh. Mitch takes Jeff's golf clubs out of the trunk and tells Kenny he isn't going anywhere. Random Woman is bothering Meghan about which college she's going to. Mary tells her Meghan is taking a year off. "I love you, Mom," Meghan thinks, obviously not learning the lesson taught in today's Very Special Episode. Meghan tries to talk to Lily, but she's holed up in her room. "Can I get you anything?" Meghan asks. Lily opens the door so we can all say in unison, "My dad." Meghan curls into the fetal position on the floor and shoves her fingertips in her eyes to make them water.

Cameron, Kenny and Meghan carry Jeff's chair up to Lily's room. Meghan smiles because she's proud of herself. They hug. Joanne and Lily change the water bottle together, spilling just a drop. "But I still reserve the right to miss my husband," Joanne says to Mary. "Permission granted," Mary responds, as it is obvious at this point that the Greens are the center of the universe and we mere mortals cannot feel or move without first making sure it doesn't disrupt their petty problems. Mary has a "crazy idea." Cue slow motion shots of kids jumping up and down on a trampoline as the funeral people watch from the window. "Jeff would have loved this party," Microsoft's Script Churner spits out for Joanne to have to say. Cameron jumps on the trampoline as Meghan sees how Cam is like Jeff. Mitch is jumping as well. The screen freezes on his face as the screen fades to white.

The episode is dedicated: apparently it's "...for Larry Williams," who was a director of Homicide and Oz and a close friend of Clyde Phillips, the creator. It's amazing the Green family didn't interrupt the dedication so Kenny could say how dedications make him feel weird or so Cameron could ask why dedication isn't spelled "deadication" or so Meghan could roll her eyes and say, "Yeah, every week we have a crisis of huge proportions. Come on, do you think you'd watch if we just went about our day-to-day lives? Get Real."

See you in three weeks.