Passages

S01E03

Elizabeth and the Good Doctor are finishing their date and make plans for the near future. They kiss. Elizabeth walks in and finds Mary waiting up for her. She says the doctor has a "dazzling bedside manner" and mentions that she was thinking of her late husband most of the time. Now, this sounds like she was having sex with the doctor but projecting her husband, but since she's not the one in sex therapy, we can safely assume that was an oversight on the writers' parts. This leads into a discussion about how "Dad" was a "good provider" but not much more of a husband. They made do because they had responsibilities and a child. For some reason Mary doesn't ask any more questions, even though she just found out that her mother wasn't ever really happy with her father. Mitch walks into the bedroom and tries to talk to teleported Mary about David. Mary stops him to watch Soul Patch Boy in same shirt closed-mouth kiss Meghan for a few minutes in his car. She's waiting to hear the car door slam shut so she knows the date is over. Soul Patch Boy unbuttons Meghan's shirt, which is quite the bold move to do in front of the girl's house. Her breasts are hanging out as she looks over Soul Patch Boy's shoulder and sees her mom standing outside the car window. She's really in the bedroom window but she freaks out and pushes Soul Patch Boy away. Creepy. Soul Patch Boy is pissed he's not getting any Valedictorian Goodies. She promises to give it up tomorrow. One last closed-mouth kiss goodnight, the car door slams, and Mary goes back to Mitch's problem. She can't believe David took the job that Mitch turned down. She's kind of breathless about the whole thing and tries to talk about it but Mitch blows her off to take a shower. He fantasizes about punching the bathroom mirror as we cue fade to white.

Back in Dr. Sharon Stone's office legs are being crossed and uncrossed. She tells Kenny he's a horny normal teenager. She tells him that he's turned Rebecca into a sex object. She crosses, uncrosses legs and attempts some sort of deep message by saying from her experience being treated that way can be a insulting. That's why she made Body Chemistry 4: Full Exposure, I suppose. "Did I mention she has breasts?" Kenny is forced to say by the writers. Dr. Wolf tells him to get over his self-esteem problem. She calls him robust and charming. "Robust, huh?" Kenny smiles. Don't get too stoked, Kenny. They use the same adjective for tomato sauce. Cut to Cam's math class where the circle equations they are working on look conveniently like baseball diamonds. Teacher asks Cameron for some sunshine. Cameron makes another Ferris Bueller reference and has to go to the board. He does the baseball diamond math and gets the answer. "Good going, Cameron," says teacher. "Yes!" Tennisha shouts. She's all hot and bothered and asks Cam to go to her place tonight. He turns her down and walks one foot over to Meghan to thank her. Kenny walks between them intent on fixing things with Rebecca. She's mad with heavy eyeliner and flat hair. She's at her locker. "My mom says hi," she deadpans. He tells her that his therapist told him he was treating her like a sex object. She asks him if he was seeing a therapist because of her. This flatters the hell out of her and she whispers in his ear that he should make sure he gets the right window time. Oh, yeah. Girls don't mind being spied on as long as they know that they were being treated as sex objects. That makes us feel really womanly.

Kenny and victor are walking through school. victor is calling Kenny "Bro" so we know their relationship is still tight. victor is asking Kenny to tell the gory details of his arrest. I'd like to know them too, but there are none. Kenny sees Rebecca, who looks pissed and wears dark eyeliner to show how upset she is. Still, Kenny flashes to a fantasy with Rebecca and some bubbles. "She hates me," he says and they both watch her butt walk off, complete with puppy dog head tilts. Cut to awkward "Let's put the steady-cam on the floor and let the magic happen" scene of the school hallway. People are clearing the way from the camera. It's "I'm wear a helmet in school because I'm cool" Cam skating over to Tennisha. She kicked "some serious butt" on her PSAT's. Cameron has a flashback to his PSAT's that's a cross between Hot For Teacher and Summer School. The clock begins to race forward as the teacher announces the test beginning. Sixteen hours later (I counted), time is called and Cam is sweaty. He passes out. Nothing like a good flashback. No, I mean, this was nothing like a good flashback. Tennisha begs to see his score. She opens his envelope. Cue five note Get Real jingle. She looks uncomfortable as she says she's sorry. He skates off with his arms crossed. He looks back and gives us a pout. Poor baby. Quick opening credits. "One big family," the gospel singers remind me.

No Pepsi commercial this time.

White fade to Mitch and "I fucked your wife in her dream" David as they talk grown-up talk about "deals." David gets a phone call and Mitch goes to talk to the client...or the competitor...it doesn't matter. I see it's Bobby Slayton, and I get depressed and want to hug all of my stand-up comic friends. Bobby Slayton makes an offer to (gasp!) just Mitch to come work at his company and make tons of money, stock options, sweet bennies, and more. Mitch initially says no out of loyalty to David and then says he'll think about it. He walks out of the building and calls Mary to leave her a message about "really big news." He walks right into "Yeah, I've seen Single White Female, why do you ask?" David. Busted. Uncomfortable guy talk ensues. Cut to Cameron in math class. His teacher is asking him to give him "some sunshine." This means he wants to know the circumference of a circle with a six-inch radius. Cameron says he's a "total eclipse" and Tennisha gives him a "You're stupid. Is that a song or something?" look and the teacher goes on to ask other people for sunshine.

Mary is at the museum. She's checking to see if her resumé was turned in for the party. She spots it on the list of candidates. She walks out and gives my most hated television move: the pulled-in elbow with a "Yes!" Dear writers, directors, and commercial makers: no one pulls in their elbow to their stomachs and says, "Yes!" We may have done this in 1986, but I think that was when some of us still watched Alf. It was a different time. A younger, dumber time. We don't do that anymore.

Cut to Elizabeth staring at an X-ray of a cancer-ridden lung. The doctor comes in and apologizes for the hassle, and says he didn't want to handle this over the phone. Elizabeth think-talks, "Oh my God, I'm dying." He says she's fine; "just a little acid reflux" and he'd like to know if she'd go to dinner with him. I smirk so hard I sprain my nose. Elizabeth takes some deep breaths when she realizes she isn't dying and gets angry with the doctor. She says both "damn" and "dammit." She tells him to "go to hell." I can't believe she never said "lawsuit." Cut to scene in a jazzy coffeehouse with harsh white Oliver Stone light, hip college kids, uncomfortable Meghan, and a camera that permanently spins around the table. Someone order me a Zima. They discuss their jobs and stock options. Mr. "I started growing this goatee when I got the part" Nondescript Coffee Boy mentions something about "livin' la vida loca" when he actually means "saving money," and Ultra-Hip Blonde actually tells him to "Get real." Soul Patch Boy is still wearing the same shirt. Meghan tries to get in on the conversation by mentioning that "tech stocks are pretty volatile" and the cool college kids give her the wide-eyed, "Yeah. Thanks. That's good to know." They all want to go to some band but Meghan says, "weeknights aren't really my thing" like that means something. I mean, who says that? Soul Patch Boy's sideburns don't match his hair and haven't finished growing in. It is revealed through predictable dialogue that Meghan is a high-schooler. Soul Patch Boy appears to be drinking out of a china cup.

Meanwhile, in the Plot I Don't Care About, Mitch is lamenting over his big decision about ditching David. He looks at pictures from their "past," but Mitch is wearing the same shirt in the pictures that he is wearing now. Cut to old lady walking into Kenny's classroom. Uh, oh. Here comes the inappropriate sex joke given to the elderly. Sho' nuff: "Kenny Green, your mother is here to take you to the sex therapist. Looks like somebody's got a major case of the hornys." Somebody wrote that line down. Someone else approved it. This poor woman had to memorize it and then say it out loud so that a bunch of people could record it, edit it and air it so that I had to hear it. Amazing. The class laughs as Kenny's dream is over and the same old lady comes in and announces that Kenny has an appointment.

Cue bad techno music as we see Cameron bail on his skateboard. Good thing that helmet protected his giant head. "Whoa, dude," says his Surge-loving friend, "dead people can pull that off." "Hey, I'm way occupied with these PSAT things," the writers expect us to believe. "How'd you score?" "Off the charts," says skateboard dude who is wearing, like, three shirts. "Which end?" "Bottom. You?" "Yeah," Cam pushes his grease behind his ears. "Same thing." "Yeah, well, no big whoop, college is so for losers anyway," skater guy speed-reads. Apparently he knew that was a crappy line as well and tried to make it brief for me. He tells Cam he's going to work at his Dad's skate shop and that maybe he could get Cam a job there as his apprentice. "'Course, that would make me your master. Woooah! Master Bob! Cool!" Mr. Neither Bill Nor Ted tells Cam to "gnaw on that for a while" and skates off on his board that is scratchless and has clean wheels.

Cam skates off and ollies over a park bench as we join Kenny at the therapist's office freaking out about whether or not he is normal. Dr. Wolf opens the door. She's a hot blonde. Of course, Kenny pops a boner and we know the little hornball is in for one crazy hour. We see a brain in the office. We see cauliflower. I almost miss the pointless scene because I'm still dazzled by that flawless transition. Mary meets her major competitor, who she refers to as the "Microsoft of Party Planners." I don't care. Catty dialogue ensues about the museum bid. Miss Microsoft is played by Shannon Tweed. Why she isn't playing the sex therapist, I'm not sure. It seems that someone either screwed up or is attempting some sort of statement that I'm not getting.

Cut to sweaty half-naked therapist rubbing ice on her body standing in front of a breezy window in some sort of an "homage" to Rebecca DeMornay in Risky Business. I call it an excuse to show more tits and ass on this "family show." Horrible synth guitar ends as she says, "Tell me, Kenny. Do you fantasize a lot?" "Uh?" We're back in the therapist's office. Mrs. Robinson's knee is up as Kenny says no, yes, no, kinda, no, cracky voice, wiggly voice, Goat Boy voice, puberty, yes no, eh. She continues to ask sexually leading questions. Cue five note Get Real jingle as defeated Kenny walks out of therapy and meets Mary on the steps. "Wasn't too head-trippy, was it?" she asks. He think-talks a lame erection joke. He doesn't get the chance to share it because they see Soul Patch Boy holding hands and laughing with Ultra-Hip Blonde from the jazzy coffee shop. Kenny and Mary leave awkwardly as we fade to white.

Fade back from white as Mitch talks about the job offer to Mary. Meghan walks by and Mary looks uncomfortable. They unload the two bags of groceries they bought for the entire family. All vegetables are packed loose in the bags and they buy large bottles of Naya. Meanwhile, Elizabeth is nervous about her date offer from Dr. Strangelove. Meghan asks her if she's attracted to him and Elizabeth admits to liking his eyes. Meghan leaves the room so Mary can blab to Elizabeth that she saw Soul Patch Boy with another girl. "Men suck," is her pithy replay. Mary doesn't want to tell Meghan because she feels it will make them fight even more.

In the living room Cameron is playing a hand held video game while Kenny and Meghan watch Win Ben Stein's Money and shout the correct answers. Cameron asks, "What is this? Geek Pride week?" Kenny retorts with, "Cameron will take over-the-counter contraceptives for three hundred, Alex." Meghan laughs and pretends she doesn't know that Kenny just referenced a different game show. Cameron freaks out and lunges toward Kenny. "What are you saying? You think I'm stupid?" I thought we cleared this up in the last damn episode. Meghan tells Cameron to calm down, that Kenny was only joking. Cameron gives this mini-speech as I try not to laugh: "You know what I don't get? I don't get why not knowing this crap means I'm going to spend the rest of my life pumping gas instead of being out in the Atlantic tagging manta rays." He leaves as I wonder if the fall from the skateboard has caused Cameron's aphasia. Meghan explains with three words: "Jacques Cousteau letter." Apparently when Cam was a little kid he saw a special on Cousteau and he wrote to him asking how he could get a job. On the letter to Mr. Cousteau Cameron has correctly spelled the scientist's last name but wrote the first name "Jock." Ain't that cute? "I've never seen him like this before," Meghan says, so I guess she's forgotten about the last episode. Kenny gets her to talk about Soul Patch Boy and he confesses he saw him with a girl. Meghan tries to make some story about an open relationship and he mentions that Mary saw him too. Somehow this makes Meghan cry. Mary appears in a looming hallway shot and tries to hug the grieving Meghan, but she shoves her away.

Back at the therapist's office Dr. Wolf is asking more sexual questions and makes Kenny tell her one of his sex fantasies. We see Rebecca half-naked and wet, washing a car. Dr. Wolf points out that Kenny is never in any of his fantasies of Rebecca. He admits that he might have a low opinion of himself. "I mean, what do you expect? My sister's brilliant and attractive. My brother is this total stud jock..." I guess we get to see Cameron in the varsity football outfit soon, or I don't know what that sentence meant. "My parents...bottom line, I got the genetic table scraps." He says if he doesn't ring Rebecca's doorbell there's no rejection. "Was that one of those breakthroughs?"

Cut to Mitch and Mary. Mitch is trying to tell Mary how to do her job. They fight as usual. She goes to her Museum Bid interview. Catty slow motion scene of Shannon Tweed giving her the bitch look. Mary goes in the office and takes a deep breath. She starts talking, but the museum lady seems to have already made up her mind with Miss Soft Core and interrupts to take a phone call. Mary leans in while Museum Lady is talking and says that unlike her competitor she's "hungry. Really hungry." Blah, blah, blah, "I'm great." Museum Girl is stunned.

Cut to Meghan walking away from apologetic Soul Patch Boy. He's still wearing the same outfit. "I'm not mad," she brats. "You should be," he responds. He explains that he used to date Ultra-Hip Blonde and that "she's going through some brutal stuff" and had a "total meltdown." Who talks like this? Meghan gets him to say she's the only girl in his life. They closed-mouth kiss for a few seconds as we fade to white and go to the Plot I Hate. David tells Mitch he took the job with Bobby Slayton. They fight in the middle of their office building. Extras walk by and stare. David starts the new job tomorrow. Fade to white.

I miss Kenny's sister.

Cameron is watching a baseball game as Meghan walks in. She brings up the Cousteau letter and offers to help him with school. He tells her to be quiet so he can watch the end of the game. She looks at the score and says the game is already over. He calls the play that is going to happen that will make the underdogs win and is correct. Somehow this pisses off Meghan and she tells him he only marine life he's going to observe "is fish sticks." Cue five-note Get Real jingle in piano form.

Soul Patch Boy has changed into a jacket, so we know they're about to break up. Meghan gets carded at cool club and gets rejected. Ultra-Hip Blonde gets into the club and tells Soul Patch Boy she'll see him later. Oh, and she dumped her loser boyfriend. Soul Patch Boy says he'll take Meghan home. She mentions that she still has time before curfew. He says the curfew is soon enough. She says, "This is about sex." "How can it be?" he asks, "We've never had any." A late-night martial arts class goes on behind them. "Say something," she says, right after he just finished saying that last sentence. They fight. He dumps her "in public."

Kenny is fantasizing about Rebecca wet and bubbly washing a car. Cleavage shot. Cleavage shot. Cleavage shot. She's supposed to be fourteen, right? Just checking. Cleavage shot. A hose sprays her. It's Kenny. Everything is fixed now because he's in his fantasies of her. Meanwhile Mary and Elizabeth are waiting to hear about the museum deal. Meghan comes home and announces she's been dumped. Mary goes to hug her. "Don't!" she shouts and begins to cry. She tells Mary she was right the whole time and she never used it against her. "I really liked him," she sobs. "I wasn't just seeing him to get you mad." Huh? That has been the whole point for two episodes. When did they ever have a good time together? She never even felt his tongue! Mary hugs Meghan and tells her she doesn't need to apologize. "Not with a broken heart." Tomorrow, though, Meghan's got some serious ass-kissing to do.

Mary walks into the bedroom and finds Mitch. She got the museum job. Mitch is so excited at his wife's triumph he almost cracks a smile to tell her, "That's great." He whines some more about David. Mary tells him things are going to be fine and not to worry about money. She says they can tap into their retirement as David pushes her and begins his rant written by the National Organization for Women: "Will you stop trying to fix this? God, it's this while blurry male-female thing. It used to be men fixed, women listened. Now, women fix and men...get in touch with their feminine side." "What do you want me to do?" Mary asks, instead of dumping his ass. "I want you to hear me. I want you to be my wife, can you do that?" "Yeah, I think so, I've had a little experience," Mary frowns, instead of pushing his pig ass off the bed. "I'm sorry," he says, but I don't care. "I'm losing a friend." Remember in the first episode he picked this Laker-Girl-banging jerk over Mary. "I mean, other than you and the kids," he tosses away without meaning, "David was always there for me." Cue five-note Get Real jingle as Mary comes in for a hug from her little Promise Keeper. The Get Real jingle extended dance remix turns into Shawn Mullins' "Lullaby" and tries to get away with it. Mitch and Mary's conversation carries into Cameron upstairs on the phone with Tennisha. He talks until we go through the wall and see Kenny on the phone with victor. He tells him how much Rebecca is into him because she called him a freak. His tangerine Ibook taunts me. We go through the wall to Elizabeth on the phone to the doctor, blushing about the term "girlfriend." We go through the wall to hearing Soul Patch Boy's apologetic message about "making it up" to Meghan. She shuts off the machine and says, "Clueless," as we pan down through the floor to Mitch and Mary who are now naked and apparently just had the fastest sex ever. "You got the job, huh?" Mitch remembers. "Yeah." "We should celebrate," he says into her neck. "I thought we were," she drools and the gospel singers kick in with the five-note jingle and sing "One Big Family!" as we pan down to the Get Real sign.

Once again we leave the house of bratty children, asshole husbands, torturous music and at least four phone lines. I didn't even count in the two laptops I've already seen being used in this house while they are on the phone. This place is huge. Oh, but I guess all of those renovations got done in the first episode, because the live-in builder hasn't been there since.