Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT The Rudolfo Reyes Man-Panty Almanack
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 5 | Aired on 08.10.2008
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Brad and the boys watch as a whole bunch of little kids and old ladies get their asses blown up for no reason. Again. Brad's attempt to cheer up Poke means he starts missing his kids, which informs his behavior throughout the rest of the mission. Casey Kasem has been talking mad shit about Nate to anybody who will listen, which causes Encino Man's attempt to make nice with Nate even more uncomfortable than it sounds. Ray makes some cookies from his own special recipe, then pimps the well-worn picture of Evan's girlfriend to noted masturbator Wasik in exchange for pec-9 batteries.
Logistically, we're moving toward the staging area east of Baghdad, Al Kut, by way of tiny, vicious little Muwafaqiyah. A seriously terrifying clusterfuck of Humvees at the bridge into town nearly kills everybody in Bravo Two, but Brad's magic powers once again save the day. Pappy gets his ankle shot -- we'll miss you! -- but the only other casualty is Q-Tip, who takes some shrapnel in the leg, tourniquets himself, and keeps going because he is totally rad.
Take two: Bravo Three gets cornered, which means Captain America drools all over everything and Encino Man and Casey Kasem prepare to fuck things up yet again. Awesomely, they are saved by Eckloff (formerly known as the Young Battalion Guy), who takes away their radios and then gives Encino Man a speech that hearkens back to the last time he had a point, which was college football. Encino Man's pupils turn into tiny little hearts like a Tweety Bird cartoon and he is completely awesome for about three seconds.
So like who were the guys that ambushed them fifteen times in a row? Ba'athist extremists, you're assuming, but you'd be wrong. You know how in high school you would tell like five people you were having a party and then a billion random junkies from neighboring half-houses and detention centers would somehow show up? It's like that, but with the extra bit of crazy only God can provide. In this case the party is the US invasion of Iraq, and the uninvited guests are random Syrian college-student terrorists who got into Iraq on passports that said things like "Purpose of Visit: JIHAD." Dated after the invasion. Nate and Brad connect the creepy dots but don't really go into detail about how, once again, America is the fucking problem. Although I will grant you that when American college students get restless it usually means less suicide bombing/more vegan meals and experimental cocksucking.
Bravo drives past about a billion bad guys with more ammo than you've ever seen without shooting them, because battalion is retarded, then bravely enters the almost empty Muffaletta in time to watch civilians flee. Then they blow up the only school in town. Nate and Brad get into a fight about suicide bombers and how you should tell them you're going to shoot them because sometimes they're not suicide bombers. This goes relatively well, but then one of Walt's warning shots goes a little pear-shaped and he gets a random guy in the eyeball. Brad hugs him better and they head north once again for a 30 km trail of total death to Al Kut.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Ray's doing something odd while Espera, Brad and their respective gunners lay spread-eagled, sighting something over the top of a berm. Brad's in the usual giddy mood he gets in whenever he sees little kids; it's as disheartening as ever considering what happens to little kids on this show. "One, two, three, four little people outside." Espera also counts three old ladies, and Walt and Gabe are quite taken by the fact that they're playing "hajji soccer." I wish I knew Arabic so I could make some kind of linguistics joke or pun about that, but I don't know. Apropos of nothing, Garza mentions being beaten as a child with a 2x4. Walt asks, appropriately enough in my opinion, whether this was because his grandmother loved him, and wanted him to "turn out good." I like Garza, creepy Faces Of Death fascination with murder and mutilation notwithstanding, so: go Grandma. I guess. Of all the ways a kid you hit with a 2x4 might turn out, I suppose Gabe's the best option. Ray's still doing his weird thing, reclining against the Humvee, and Brad calls it in to Nate: "We've had eyes on the village for over one hour now. There are seven women and children, no adult males. No sign of the men who fired those mortars. How copy?" Nate's like, "I already knew that, okay."
Ray adds water to his concoction and starts cooking it with a lighter or something. "Ray, what the fuck is that smell?" asks Brad. Like anybody wants to know the answer. Man, it is mission critical that you not let Ray Fucking Person get bored, ever. I would keep some coloring books around just in case. Object lesson: "MRE cookies. What I did was, I saved up all those creamer packets, and all the sugars, and I mixed in peanut butter until I sort of made..." Brad's done listening, and reminds him not to blow his face off again, like he did in the first episode. Ray says, and I'm not sure what this is meant to connote: "Word to the motherfuckin' street, yo!" I don't understand the usage of that colorful colloquialism in this context. Ray points out that he was not the one who set his face on fire back at Mathilda: "I was the fuckin' victim and you know it." He goes back to cooking his foul creation, and the guys turn their eyes back on the hamlet. Evan speaks up and offers the opinion that maybe the guys were hiding in a stand of trees behind and to their left. Brad, indulgently deadpan: "Much as I appreciate Rolling Stone's tactical input, I'm confident in the birds." Gabe explains that if anything were moving in the trees in question, the birds wouldn't be singing.
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