All Explody On The Western Front

S01E05

"Men! Over here!" Encino Man beats on the hood of the trapped Humvee. "Two-minute warning, guys, two-minute warning!" I don't even ... whatever, it's Encino Man. I'm just glad he's not eating his hair right now. They grunt and groan and get the truck out, and Encino Man goes completely balls-out awesome, doing an end-zone dance and screaming WOOOO! "Sir, you did a favor by taking my radio from me," he says in an aside to Todd (the fuck you say?) and then screams his version of a speech. "Gentlemen, this is the end zone! Woo! Woo! Yeah! Go Yellowjackets!"

Daytime, for no reason, Captain America is screeching and collecting the guns from bodies. Even if they're not for him, he still only has a certain skill set. "How's it feel now, you filthy motherfuckers? Goddamn dirty hajji motherfuckers trying to fuck with me? Fuck you! That's what you get when you try to ambush Marines, motherfucker! You get dead! Son of a bitch! Raaah!" Anybody else, I would be loving it. ...Okay, I still love it.

He tosses their guns over the side of the bridge, having grown exactly one millimeter as a person, and then Godfather arrives. Just in fuckin' time as usual. They walk through a vast array of dead body parts and find one guy with the word LOVE tattooed on his hand. "Sir, get a load of this," Eckloff says. "They don't look like Iraqi regulars. Looks like he could have been a college student." Kocher kicks a random in the head, and he moans. "We've got a wounded enemy..." Captain America, heh, runs up screaming, "Shoot him!" (How can you doubt that I love him?) Godfather asks the surgeon kid if he can help the injured guy, but the surgeon's worried that he might be boobytrapped. Being a human being, Kocher offers to search him and find out. Being something less than a human being, Godfather bitches: "Because of this dying motherfucker and his dead friends, we're eight hours behind schedule." He stomps off. Right then, a herd of sexually frustrated rhinocerii with necrotizing fasciitis and scorching gonorrhea converge on him, raping him to death with their giant diseased rhinoceros penises, set what's left on fire with lighters they got from 7-11, then bury the carbonized remains in a shoebox marked "FUCK OFF."

Meesh is here, so it's time to go through the dude's pockets and steal slash destroy his personal stuff. "Look at this motherfucker..." Meesh identifies his belongings, as somebody crushes his watch underfoot for no reason other than pettiness: "Amphetamine, pretty high-grade shit. Dude, these are Syrian pounds... Syrian passport... Ahmed Al Zari, born in Damascus, age 26, entered Iraq... March 23." Nate is icked out, because that's three days after the US invasion. "His address in Iraq is the... Palestine Hotel in Baghdad. Restaurant is two-star, but room service is out of this world. And if you go around the corner, there's a club where the ladies go, just... say you're a friend of Uday's... 'Purpose for entering Iraq: JIHAD.' Oh, he put "jihad" at passport control. That's some wicked shit, some evildoing shit, if you ask me, man." (Personally I think that is totally bad-ass, frankly.) "They're coming here to fight us," Encino Man says, getting precisely half the point. "I wonder if President Bush will ever find out about this." Nate and Kocher look at each other like they desperately need a hug, because wow. Just, wow. Way to miss the fucking point. "It's what the President's been talking about. With the war on terrorists. This is why we're here."