The show starts by panning in on a giggling couple in bed. He's begging to see it. And even though they're fully clothed, it's apparent that if he's talking about seeing her private parts, it's pretty apparent that they've already been down that road. He, Gary (Jay Mohr) tells her, Vanessa (Jaime King), that he's never seen the "it" in question in the light. He promises to show "it" the utmost respect. So she smirks and turns over so he can examine her tramp stamp. Which is apparently a pink skull. She tries to dismiss it as folly of her misspent youth. And then we get some the "racy" dialogue:
Gary: "It's edgy, yet feminine."
Vanessa: "It's slutty and you know it." (Yeah, wear that tramp stamp like a badge of honor.)
Gary: "You're not a slut."
Vanessa: "Really? I just spent the night with the guy I hired to paint my condo." (Hey, at least he has a job!)
Gary: "That would make you more of a whore."
She fakes annoyance. He tells her he wants to take her to the lake house that he's painting for the weekend. Ah, romance. Vanessa puts two and two together and decides that her one wild, whorey night must have been pretty memorable if he wants to whisk her away to someone else's cabin. He jokes that he has to check the video tape before he can make an official ruling. Oh, good lord. And she finds this endearing. Just then the front door slams. Panic ensues. Who could it possibly be? Oh, it's Gary's two children. He left that information out when he was trying to get in her pants. She gets pouty mad at him. He reveals that he's got two kids and an ex-wife (who he claims "might be a Nazi.") Are you laughing yet? The laugh track is. Vanessa wants to know why he lied. He says it was more of an omission. He planned on telling her the time they weren't having sex. Which, again, judging by the fact that they are fully clothed and running around the house, would have been just before the door slammed. Too busy looking at her ink instead to deal with real stuff.
Then Gary starts screaming at his ex-wife through the door. He tells Vanessa that he's been divorced for three months. She's his first post-marriage hook-up and he was going to tell her about his kids but she was "too good to be true" and he was afraid she'd get scared away. I think he raises a good point here. I'm going on record as saying here that I do like Jay Mohr. I find him funny. In fact, he once spit on my husband (accidentally during a comedy show where we stupidly sat in the front table) and I have never laughed so hard in my life. However, if I were the smokin' hot Vanessa and didn't have a host of issues (other than some misguided body art) I'd probably run screaming upon discovering that the goofy guy who makes jokes about videotaping sex has two kids and a crazy ex-wife. So he was probably wise in holding off on the details. That said, she's annoyed that he didn't mention his family. He says she kept secrets too. He learned during their romp (presumably with clothes off) that she was double jointed. She's not. But she doesn't like to complain. Cue hysterical canned laughter.
Gary comes bounding downstairs we see his daughter and son sitting in the living room. The son tells him that mom is in the kitchen. The daughter, Louise, says that she's found a picture of Al Gore that she wants to put by her bed. He finds this creepy. So do I. And hopefully Vanessa overheard it and ran out the back while no one was looking.
Gary goes into the kitchen asking Allison (Paula Marshall) why she's here with the kids, this isn't his weekend. She turns around and snottily informs him that she's unimpressed with the contents of his refrigerator. She explains the terms of their shared custody as if he's never heard this ever before. Outside of the kitchen window we see Vanessa walking off, seemingly flipping the bird at Gary, as he tries to close the blinds before the shrewish Allison sees his one-night stand and starts freaking out. More than she already is. Gary tells Allison that she kept the kids last weekend, even though it was his, and didn't realize they were automatically switching. The prissy Allison snottily replies that she kept them only because the family were in the midst of a 12 hour juice cleanse, and clearly the immature Gary couldn't stick to it. Is she kidding? She was just complaining that all he had in the fridge was beer and ranch dressing. This guy totally knows about liquid diets. But he does say that when the kids are starving he feeds them. Good policy there, Gary.
He walks off into the living room tells the kids to throw away their books and toothbrushes because they're hanging with him. The kids don't laugh. Neither does Allison. Louise complains to her mother that Gary said her Al Gore picture was creepy. He defends his position, saying that he's concerned that her entire wall is plastered with photos of the Internet inventing former vice-president and Gandhi. He's grateful that she's got one picture at least of the hot guy from Entourage. Louise snottily informs him that image is of Che Guevara. At least we know that the snottiness from mom didn't skip a generation. Gary earnestly says, "I don't know what the actor's name is." Oh god. How did Gary not know this? Did he never see Evita or set foot in an Urban Outfitters? Allison pipes in to reassure Louise that her father isn't critiquing her, but that he's hoping that they have wonderful and healthy relationships. The kids groan. So it appears that they hate both their parents.
Gary wants to know where she gets this garbage she's spewing. It's apparently from her bible, Rules for a Perfect Divorce. Gary looks confused. Now she's pissed because he hasn't read it when it was recommended to them by their marriage counselor. They apparently agreed to follow Dr. Crandall's rules to help out the kids. Gary says the kids are great. Though they've stalked off, and apparently don't get dad's jokes and hate their mom's touchy-feely healthy lifestyle.
Allison insists that Tommy's afraid of girls. Gary says, "He should be afraid of girls. They pretend to like you and then take all your stuff." This actually made me laugh. But then I'm covering my eyes, because Allison says that she and Dr. Crandall are pushing Tommy to make female friends in Second Life. Do they want him to get beaten up in school? She defends the online "safe" society, then yells to the kids that she's leaving. But not before getting in a dig at Gary. And then questioning his parenting skills. I'm questioning Mohr's decision to leave the cushy Ghost Whisperer for this New Adventures of Old Christine-in-reverse ripoff. I'm sure it'll do fine, but it's just nothing that I haven't seen a million times before. And although I'm only a few minutes in, I'd be bored to tears if it wasn't for my aforementioned and inexplicable love of Jay Mohr.
Gary heads upstairs to see Tommy, who's on his computer playing Second Life. Gary tells him that they used to have this thing called "outside" when he was a kid. Gary asks Tommy about meeting girls. He says that there's tons of girls "in-world," but that he's never met one. But there's a real-life girl from school that he likes, but he doesn't run into her in his Second Life. I'm thinking Tommy really needs a First Life. Gary pretty much says the same thing and tells Tommy that he's welcome to have girls over. The girls can even hang out in Tommy's room. Tommy's worried about "tapping it." And now its time for the sex talk with his 14-year-old. Gary tells him he's got plenty of time to worry about girls. Gary leaves Tommy to keep an eye on his sister, like that future world leader needs someone to watch out for her, and heads off to check on a job.
At some random house filled with drop cloths, we see a bunch of guys painting a room an ugly shade of greenish-brown. Gary not-so-subtly asks some dude named Dennis if the owner has been by the house. Dennis says he's seen her car... in front of Gary's house. Hysterical. Well, not really. But again, the canned laughter is eating it up. Gary says they had amazing sex, and now she doesn't want to see him again. Dennis thinks he's hit the jackpot. Gary's all sensitive and says he really likes her. Dennis is every normal dude ever, and tells him to indulge in his new free-agent status. Gary says he's just looking to have some fun with her for a while. Dennis makes a semi-gay joke about another staffer, Paco.
Vanessa walks in to check the color of her fabric against the ugly walls. Dennis advises her to be careful what she touches. She rolls her eyes at Gary and wishes Dennis had told her that yesterday. Gary apologizes. Vanessa doesn't want to get involved, because Gary's not ready. She'd rather just write off their random hook-up. Gary says he's actually ready (but he's so not), but that he and his ex-wife have drawn up a set of dating rules... for the sake of the kids. His mattress dance with Vanessa broke those rules... and some of his personal records. "Two was a personal record?," Vanessa inquires. He's all proud. She should really run screaming in the other direction. But he begs for a second chance. Rules be damned. To her credit, Vanessa does seem skeptical.
Over at Allison's house, Gary walks in and is immediately chastised for not knocking. Gary says he doesn't want to start a fight but that he wants to talk to her about dating. She jokes that she's not interested. I'm bored. I think I like her better when she's being bitchy. This trying-to-be-cute crap is irritating. He makes a dig about their sex life. She starts wagging her finger at him -- literally! -- basically calling him bad in bed. Then he gets back to the point. He's over these rules and doesn't want them to get mad when they start seeing other people. Great. She's getting married. She's been trying to figure out how to break it to him. Now she's proudly sporting her big rock and can't wait to tell the kids.
Who's the guy? Funny you should ask. It's their marriage counselor. Gary thinks he's ancient. She expects congratulations. "Congratulations on marrying the person that we both went to to hold our marriage together." Sounds like someone broke some of the rules. The heart apparently knows no such rules. Convenient. Gary drops the bomb that he's dating someone. Allison presumes he's lying. He's not. He concedes that she's "won," and that her prize is a guy who drives a bike with a windshield. The fake crowd goes wild.
Back at Gary's house, he's putting away groceries with help from Louise, who tells Gary that Tom's got a girl in his room and they're "studying." Is she cute? How could Gary ask his daughter that? She informs him that that's degrading. And now there's a joke about Gandhi being hot. Good times.
Up in Tommy's remarkably clean room is a cute blonde girl, Danielle. Tommy's panicking. They go out in the hall. He's freaking out. Wants a way out. Gary suggests talking to her. Gary gives him a pep talk. It's kinda sweet. Then Gary heads downstairs to get the door, asking Louise for a beer. She doesn't want to be an enabler. He thinks bringing him more alcohol is the solution to this problem. At the door is Dr. Crandall (Ed Begley, Jr.), carrying a bike helmet. Now that everything's out in the open, they can talk. Dr. Crandall offers Gary a chance to beat him up. It's therapeutic! Allison walks in to stop the boys from fighting over her. Gary just looks like he wants to leave the room. Crandall encourages Gary to give him his worst. Gary takes this opportunity to make a snide remark about Allison. The door rings again. Just in time.
It's the pizza guy. Nope. It's Vanessa. She's got news she has to share. There's a man in her life, too. Her son. So they're both liars that randomly sleep around. Good! The makings of a perfect relationship. How did Gary not notice a kid's bedroom when painting her house?
Time for the awkward meet-and-greet. Gary introduces Vanessa to his ex-wife and Dr. Crandall. Dr. Crandall starts spilling Gary's secrets from his dream journal. Dr. Crandall wants to help the fledgling couple work out their issues. Vanessa is smitten by the doctor who understands the stresses of single motherhood. Instant therapy session. There's humiliation and deception all around. For Gary, that's a turn-on. Then there's a boring discussion about feelings and stuff, with Gary acting like a man-child who isn't ready for a commitment. He starts freaking out. Runs out of the room.
In the kitchen Allison tries to comfort Gary, who has his head stuck in the freezer. This is weird. Of course, she gets in a dig about his fear of birds while doing it. So, of course, he needs to retaliate with a joke about how Walter is so old. Allison wants Gary to be happy. More polite verbal sparring and smiling. Then Louise walks in to inform everyone that the pizza is here. That doesn't seem to jive with Allison's organize healthy lifestyle, but maybe it's made from whole wheat dough and doesn't have cheese. Anyhow, Louise is instructed to tell Tommy that the food has arrived, but Tommy's in his room with a girl. Remember?
Allison freaks out because the door is locked. Danielle is not in the room anymore. They are apparently "in-world" together, or that's the line he's feeding his parents. They leave. Gary says that Tommy's not ready. Allison says she really knows what's right for her kids. He shrugs. Then he walks back in to Tommy's room. Tells his son that the pizza is ready. Then announces to Danielle that he can see her purse. She's been hiding under the bed. Gary smirks, but insists they leave the door open.
Downstairs, Gary sees Vanessa. He introduces himself to her. He's got an annoying ex-wife and two kids. She replies that she's a single mom with two tattoos. Let's give this thing the old college try, shall we? Wait, two? He gets to see the other if he finishes painting her condo. And we're done.
Not the worst show on TV by any stretch of the imagination, just average and kind of bland. Could it get better? It's possible, with funnier scripts or less generic plots. I guess I just have to decide how much boring Jay Mohr I can watch with the hope of it getting better before I crack. God, I really, really miss Action.
Discuss this series in our forums, then see what other Fall TV shows are worth checking out in our rundown of What to Watch, What to Avoid!
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