In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Last episode of the season. Opening credits. Let’s go! The credits contain the same places as last week: King’s Landing, Dragonstone, the Twins, Winterfell, the Wall, and Yunkai. I’m kind of surprised we’re staying at the Twins for another week, since it’s not like Robb and Catelyn are going to be contributing much action.
But in fact, we start at the Twins, so what do I know? Roose Bolton climbs some steps and looks over the parapets at the Stark troops outside his castle. All the tents are on fire and the troops are generally being slaughtered. One guy is missing his legs, and I assume he answered that casting call for amputees that went up after the last season ended. Oh, and somebody’s being strung up to a tree. It’s a real mess. Sandor Clegane has a horse, so he grabs a Frey banner for cover and starts to ride away through the mayhem. He’s carrying Arya, who’s conveniently unconscious. But she regains consciousness just in time to hear the Freys chanting “The king in the north!” And they’re carrying Robb’s decapitated body with an animal head mounted on it. Another angle reveals that the head is from his wolf. Arya seems unhappy about all this, but she doesn’t struggle as Sandor carries her away. As they leave the camp, a Stark banner catches fire. That’s not exactly foreshadowing, since it happened after Robb died. It’s just redundant.
In King’s Landing, Tyrion walks Sansa through a garden. It’s all very picturesque, except that people are laughing at them behind their backs. And they’re doing it loudly enough to be heard, which is terrible manners. Tyrion starts muttering a list of names, which he says is the list of people who he’s going to get back at. Tyrion and Arya would probably get along pretty well! He clarifies to Sansa that he’s not going to necessarily kill all these people. She thinks he should just get used to being laughed at, but it’s been happening all his life. Sansa points out that she’s the disgraced daughter of a traitorous usurper, so she’s probably having to absorb a lot of public disdain as well. He makes her laugh and Shae glowers at him from behind. Shae is not onboard with this marriage. Tyrion says that instead of killing someone, he could learn his perversions from Varys. Sansa suggests burying sheep dung in his bed, because Arya used to do that to her. Arya’s well past the poop-hiding stage of revenge. She’s a lot more mature than her sister in that respect, and now I keep thinking of Arya and Sansa as Louise and Tina from Bob’s Burgers. Arya and Louise share a certain malevolence, you know? Anyway, that’s enough for this scene, because Pod runs up to call Tyrion to a surprise meeting of the Small Council.
Joffrey is at the Small Council meeting, for a change. He’s standing up, because they still have that chair situation going on. And because he’s positively giddy, so he can’t sit still. Pycelle starts to give a note to Tyrion, but he drops it so Tyrion has to reach for it. It’s a pretty feeble move by Pycelle, but I guess you use the tools available to you. The message reads, “Roslin caught a fine fat trout. Her brothers gave her a pair of wolf pelts for her wedding. Signed, Walder Frey.” This is too heavy on the animal metaphors for Tyrion, so Joffrey explicates: “Robb Stark is dead. And his bitch mother!” And he’s going to serve Robb’s head to Sansa at his wedding. Tyrion bristles at this, as you might imagine. Cersei says it’s a joke, but Joffrey says it isn’t. Tyrion is of the belief that since Sansa is no longer Joffrey’s fiancée, she’s no longer an option for him to torment. Joffrey says, “Everyone is mine to torment.” This is his idea of the droit du seigneur, I guess. He also drops a line about Tyrion being a monster, which is just a setup for Tyrion to say, “Monsters are dangerous. And just now, kings are dying like flies.” Joffrey stares at him, shocked. As though it’s the first time Tyrion threatened to kill him. Then he looks to Tywin, who’s just watching the whole nonsense. Finally, Joffrey sputters, “I could have your tongue out for saying that.” Cersei tries to jolly Joffrey along, saying that Tyrion’s a bitter little man who should just be ignored. It looks like he’s going to be momentarily mollified, but then Pycelle takes Joffrey’s side, saying Tyrion should apologize. Joffrey pulls his hand away from Cersei and insists, “I am the king!”
At this, Tywin finally interjects, “Any man who has to say ‘I am the king,” is no true king. I’ll make sure you understand that when I’ve won your war for you.” Tywin has no interest in coddling Joffrey anymore. And as a result, Joffrey insists that his daddy (Robert Baratheon, not Jaime) won the war against the Mad King while Tywin hid at Casterly Rock. There’s quite a pause. Tywin says, flatly, “The king is tired. See him to his chambers.” Joffrey quietly protests, but he lets Cersei lead him away. Tywin suggests some essence of nightshade to help the king sleep. Joffrey shouts, “I’m not! Tired!” But off he goes. And so does Pycelle, who takes along the note from Walder Frey. That’s good thinking; you don’t want that sort of thing lying around. Save it until you need to blackmail someone with proof they were in on the scheme.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Joffrey is at the Small Council meeting, for a change. He’s standing up, because they still have that chair situation going on. And because he’s positively giddy, so he can’t sit still. Pycelle starts to give a note to Tyrion, but he drops it so Tyrion has to reach for it. It’s a pretty feeble move by Pycelle, but I guess you use the tools available to you. The message reads, “Roslin caught a fine fat trout. Her brothers gave her a pair of wolf pelts for her wedding. Signed, Walder Frey.” This is too heavy on the animal metaphors for Tyrion, so Joffrey explicates: “Robb Stark is dead. And his bitch mother!” And he’s going to serve Robb’s head to Sansa at his wedding. Tyrion bristles at this, as you might imagine. Cersei says it’s a joke, but Joffrey says it isn’t. Tyrion is of the belief that since Sansa is no longer Joffrey’s fiancée, she’s no longer an option for him to torment. Joffrey says, “Everyone is mine to torment.” This is his idea of the droit du seigneur, I guess. He also drops a line about Tyrion being a monster, which is just a setup for Tyrion to say, “Monsters are dangerous. And just now, kings are dying like flies.” Joffrey stares at him, shocked. As though it’s the first time Tyrion threatened to kill him. Then he looks to Tywin, who’s just watching the whole nonsense. Finally, Joffrey sputters, “I could have your tongue out for saying that.” Cersei tries to jolly Joffrey along, saying that Tyrion’s a bitter little man who should just be ignored. It looks like he’s going to be momentarily mollified, but then Pycelle takes Joffrey’s side, saying Tyrion should apologize. Joffrey pulls his hand away from Cersei and insists, “I am the king!”
At this, Tywin finally interjects, “Any man who has to say ‘I am the king,” is no true king. I’ll make sure you understand that when I’ve won your war for you.” Tywin has no interest in coddling Joffrey anymore. And as a result, Joffrey insists that his daddy (Robert Baratheon, not Jaime) won the war against the Mad King while Tywin hid at Casterly Rock. There’s quite a pause. Tywin says, flatly, “The king is tired. See him to his chambers.” Joffrey quietly protests, but he lets Cersei lead him away. Tywin suggests some essence of nightshade to help the king sleep. Joffrey shouts, “I’m not! Tired!” But off he goes. And so does Pycelle, who takes along the note from Walder Frey. That’s good thinking; you don’t want that sort of thing lying around. Save it until you need to blackmail someone with proof they were in on the scheme.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Varys leaves , but when Tyrion starts to go, Tywin won’t let him. Tyrion observes, “You just sent the most powerful man in Westeros to bed without his supper.” Tywin says he’s not the most powerful man in Westeros, which Tyrion obviously knows. Nobody really thinks Joffrey is powerful, except for Joffrey. Tyrion says that armies give power, rather than crowns. Although Robb had armies, and that didn’t work out all that great for him. They establish that Walder Frey will get the public credit and blame for Robb’s death, although Tyrion knows that Tywin clearly orchestrated the whole thing. Tywin explains that he thinks it’s better to kill a dozen people at dinner, rather than ten thousand in battle. I notice he doesn’t mention all those Stark soldiers getting massacred out in the camp. Anyway, Tywin did it to end the war and defend the Lannisters. Tyrion thinks that kind of ambush is the sort of thing that the Northerners will never forget, but that doesn’t worry Tywin: “Good. Let them remember what happens when they march on the South.” I don’t know about that. People in the North never seem to worry about the consequences when they decide to do what they think is right.
So! It’s time to move on with the plot. The Stark men are dead, and Winterfell is a ruin. Tywin declares that Roose Bolton will be warden of the North until Tyrion’s son by Sansa comes of age. And speaking of that, he adds, “I believe you still have some work to do on that score.” Tyrion thinks Sansa’s not going to be in the mood for love after finding out about her brother and mother, but Tywin doesn’t care so much about what kind of mood Sansa is in. I’m pretty sure Tywin has had it with everybody’s “moods” and “feelings” and “desires.” He wants to just give everybody a list of tasks and have them go away and get them done. Tyrion says, “I will not rape her.” Tywin changes the topic slightly and says, “The house that puts family first will always defeat the house that puts the whims and wishes of its sons and daughters first.” In other words, get to work. Tyrion says it’s easy for Tywin to preach devotion to the family when he’s the one who gets to decide what everyone’s supposed to do. All the tasks Tywin has to perform just happen to line up with what Tywin wants to do. But when Tywin’s asked to name a time that he actually put the family ahead of his own desires, he has an easy answer: “The day that you were born!” He wanted to drown Tyrion, but he let him live and brought him up as his son because he was a Lannister. It’s harsh, but it’s nice to see Tywin explicitly calling Tyrion a Lannister. Even if he might have been doing it sarcastically, he’s still including him in the family.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Tyrion finds Sansa. She’s moping. She’s kind of always moping, but this time it’s clear that she’s heard about Robb and Catelyn. He turns and walks away. She resumes the mopery.
Bran’s crew finds an empty castle. I’m so jealous of all these empty castles around the place. There’s a well, which is providing Hodor some innocent enjoyment. It turns out that if you like hearing things echo, the word “HODOR!” is fairly resonant. Bran tells him to knock it off. Then he explains that he’s nervous because there are a lot of stories about this place. Jojen likes horrible stories, so he encourages him to continue. Bran’s story concerns a cook in the Night’s Watch. When the king was visiting the Nightfort, the cook killed his son and served him in a pie. The king liked it so much that he asked for a second slice. So the gods turned the cook into a giant white rat that could only eat its own young. And it still roams the Nightfort, because that’s the sort of thing you do when you’ve been cursed by the gods. Meera mocks the idea that the gods would go to the trouble of cursing someone just for being a murderer. Bran says it was for killing a guest under his roof, which is “something the gods can’t forgive.” First, note that this is apparently the Nightfort, which is the place that Sam and Gilly were headed for. Second, we know someone who just recently killed a guest under his roof. That’s quite a coincidence!
And speaking of Walder Frey, here he is! He’s eating in his bloodstained dining hall, although he has servants trying to scrub the floors. Roose Bolton is listening to Walder brag about how well his ambush went. This also gives Walder the opportunity to drop some exposition about how Edmure spent his wedding night in a dungeon. The Blackfish escaped, but Walder doesn’t care about one old Tully. He’s got Tywin Lannister on his side, and now he’s Lord of Riverrun. He segues into the general topic of how everyone looks down on him: “People snigger when I marry a young girl, but who said a word when Jon Arryn married that little Tully bitch?” Roose points out that he probably needs a new young girl. Roose says Robb ignored his advice at every turn, so he feels no second thoughts about betraying the self-proclaimed “young wolf.” Roose says he might move to Winterfell after the war, although it’s in ruins right now. Walder asks what exactly happened up there, since after all the ravens got killed, nobody heard anything. Roose says he sent his bastard to root out Theon. They told the gang that sacked Winterfell that Robb Stark offered amnesty if they gave us Theon. And the Ironborn turned on Theon. Roose says, “They handed him over, trussed and hooded. But Ramsay…Ramsay has his own way of doing things.”
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!So Theon’s being held by Ramsay, Roose Bolton’s bastard. This tells us that Theon’s probably being held at the Dreadfort, because one of my favorite lines from last season (in episode six) was when Roose said, “Let me send word to my bastard at the Dreadfort.” And now that I look at that scene, Roose was, in fact, trying to capture Theon for Robb, like he just told Walder. So if we’d all been paying more attention, we could probably have assumed that was who had Theon. And the wooden X Theon is tied to looks a lot like the Flayed Man symbol, which just goes to show these people’s admirable devotion to symbolism. Also, it’s worth mentioning that Ramsay’s last name is “Snow,” because that’s the name that bastards get in that part of Westeros. Like Jon Snow.
And conveniently enough, the scene is in the Dreadfort (great name) with Ramsay Snow! He’s eating some kind of large meat thing while taunting Theon (still on the X) about his missing cock. For a second, he seems to imply that that’s what he’s eating, but it’s really a pork sausage. Let’s not let it get weird, you know? He speculates about phantom limbs and asks, “Do eunuchs have a phantom cock?” He asks Theon if he’ll feel an itch when he thinks about naked girls. Theon doesn’t look like naked ladies are the first thing on his mind at the moment. Ramsay says his mother taught him not to throw stones at cripples. Then he switches gears: “But my father taught me, aim for the head!” Theon mumbles something, which turns out to be a request for Ramsay to kill him. Ramsay says he’d be no use dead, because they need him. He walks up to Theon and pulls his head up. He says, “You don’t look like Theon Greyjoy. You’re just meat. Stinking meat. You reek. Reek! That’s a good name for you! What’s your name?” Theon says, “Theon Greyjoy.” Ramsay backhands him across the face and asks again. Theon again says his name is Theon. This time Ramsay punches him. One more time, “WHAT IS YOUR NAME?” Theon gets on board: “Reek. My name is Reek.” I feel like you should either buckle right away or keep insisting on your name until you get beaten unconscious. Taking the middle route just gets you pummeled and you don’t get to keep your name.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!In the Nightfort (not the Dreadfort) Bran wakes up to the sound of…well, some kind of noise. Could be ghosts, I guess. There are low moans and the sound of something being dragged. It’s a lot like listening to a Halloween sound effects album. Summer growls. Now everyone’s up. A shape appears and Meera attacks. But it’s just Sam! This doesn’t calm anyone down, because Bran’s crew has never met Sam, so they can’t be expected to know that he’s the comic relief. Gilly introduces herself and requests not to be killed. Sam and Gilly volunteer the information that they’re going to Castle Black to meet up with the Night’s Watch. Bran starts to say his brother’s in the Night’s Watch, but he shuts up. Sam identifies him: “You’re Jon’s brother! The one who fell from the window!” Apparently if you know about a crippled boy with a dire wolf and a big dude who only says “Hodor,” Bran’s not that hard to identify. Sam decides they’re all right: “I’d be dead if it wasn’t for Jon. If you’re his brother, you’re my brother too.” It’s quite touching, and everyone seems to forget that Sam was actually in no position to declare a truce. Bran wants to be taken north of the wall, since Sam and Gilly just got south of it somehow. Meera guesses that there’s an underground river in the well. Sam has a different proposal: the Nightfort has steps to the top of the Wall, and then they can go straight to Castle Black. Sam thinks that if they knew what was waiting for them north of the wall, they’d never consider going there. But Jojen mentions both the White Walkers and The Army of the Dead, and they don’t seem to be deterring him. Jojen is pretty calm about all this. Sam thinks it’s unlikely that Bran’s crew is going to stop a huge ravening supernatural horde, but he’s a sucker for an urchin. So he’s clearly going to help Bran.
Hey, it’s Balon Greyjoy! I know that’s him, because he’s reading a message addressed to “Balon Greyjoy, Lord of the Iron Islands and invader of the North.” He has until the full moon to get out of the North. And after that, every Iron Islander will be hunted down and get flayed alive. The note is attached to a box, about which it says, “In the box, you’ll find a special gift. Theon’s favorite toy. He cried when I took it away from him.” In other words, there’s a dick in the box. The note ends, “Leave the north now or more boxes will follow with more Theon.” And it’s signed Ramsay Snow, who seems to be making a name for himself. Balon doesn’t care that much about Theon getting carved up: “Theon disobeyed my orders. The boy’s a fool. He cannot further the Greyjoy line.” Balon will not be retreating. Yara (Balon’s daughter, Theon’s sister) protests, “He’s your son!” Balon figures that Theon’s not a man anymore (because of what’s in the box), so he’s clearly not his son. Yara says he’s a Greyjoy. But Balon has made his decision, so he sits at the fire. And Yara has made hers: she says she’s taking the fastest ship and the fifty best killers. She’s going to attack the Dreadfort, which sounds like a lot of fun. She declares, “I’m going to find my little brother. And I’m going to bring him home.” If Tywin’s right about how to have a successful family, Yara’s doing the right thing. But I’m not sure we should trust Tywin. He’s on top right now, but his family is mostly unhappy. Even Joffrey!
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So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hey, it’s a dragonglass spearhead! Sam apparently has several, so it’s not quite as big a deal that he left that one when Gilly and he ran from the dead White Walker. He tells Bran about how says the dragonglass weapons were buried at the Fist of the First Men. And about how they kill white walkers, which seems like valuable information for anyone about to go north of the Wall. On being told that no one’s killed a White Walker in ever so long, he shrugs, “Well, suppose someone had to be the first.” Bran gives the spearhead to Hodor. And Sam has some arrowheads for Meera, which is good thinking. Sam says, “I got lucky with one of them. There are more. Many more. And for every one of them, the dead men…more than you could count.” He really thinks Bran should come to Castle Black, but Bran is determined to go north etc. etc. We just had this discussion with Osha. So Hodor carries Bran through the tunnel to the north, where they walk into a bright white light like the ending of Cube. Sam and Gilly are left in the tunnel.
Off to the dungeons of Dragonstone, currently occupied by Gendry. Davos is here to visit him, but Gendry is in no mood for small talk. He complains that the highborn are always vicious to people like him. Davos says he’s not highborn: “I was born in Fleabottom, just like you.” Gendry sneers at this, saying that clearly Davos is his friend, right? Yeah, it seems like all Davos is saying is that some lowborn people are also vicious to Gendry. Lucky Gendry! Davos proves his origins because knows the location of Gin Alley and everything. He’s from a part of Fleabottom where the shit ran right across his front door. Apparently Gendry’s Street of Steel was the fancy part of town. Which makes sense, since the blacksmith he worked for would have had fancy clients. Gendry says he’d never been with a woman, so he was easy prey for Melisandre to lure him into bed. Davos says how he became a lord is a long story, and Gendry is very sarcastic about how busy he is, what with all the sitting around in the dungeon that he has to do. Davos boils it down to helping Stannis out and getting his fingers snipped. He did it because he didn’t want his son to step over a river of shit every time he went out his front door. But now his son is dead. Gendry asks, “How’d he die?” Davos says, “Followin’ me.” Then Davos leaves, and Gendry has some time to reflect on his loneliness. Good one, Gendry. Maybe if you weren’t a jerk to your only friend, he’d come and talk to you more often.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!King’s Landing. Shae sulks. There’s a lot of that going around. But Varys is here to cheer her up! She says she came to Westeros when she was thirteen years old, but she stopped being a child at nine, thanks to her mother. Varys thinks she’s been a good influence on “our mutual friend” (Tyrion), who used to gamble and whore and drink. And now he just drinks. Shae is unhappy about being Tyrion’s wife’s servant. She still loves Sansa, but that doesn’t make it easier to clean her chamber pot. You can see how she’d be unhappy. Varys tries to bond with her on the grounds that they’re both foreigners: “We’ve learned their language but we’ll never be their countrymen.” The problem, according to Varys, is that Shae doesn’t have a name. Well, she obviously has a name (it’s “Shae”), but she doesn’t have a family name, which means she isn’t highborn. And that means she can’t be with the son of Tywin Lannister. That’s probably why bastards get names; so people know that even though they’re not important, they’re still more important than nobodies. And note that Theon lost both his names when Ramsay renamed him to “Reek.” Names are important. But getting back to Shae, I think she’d be a lot happier if she accepted that no matter what Tyrion said when they were alone, this is the best she’s going to do. Varys gives her a bag of diamonds and tells her to sail away and buy a large house with many servants. He says he’s doing this because Tyrion could make the country better, and Shae is “a complication.” He knows she loves Tyrion, but “I’m asking you to leave because your presence in the capitol endangers him.” This will never be her home, so he thinks she should leave. She throws the diamonds on the ground and tells Varys, “If he wants me to leave, he can tell me himself.” I would say the bribe has been unsuccessful. But he gets to keep the diamonds, which is nice.
Tyrion is drinking with Pod, and making him try to keep up. Pod’s not doing well at it, because he’s just a kid. Cersei walks in and tells Pod to leave, which he is happy to do. Cersei smirks at Tyrion and says, “So…enjoying married life?” Tyrion says Sansa doesn’t deserve this, and Cersei mocks the idea of people deserving things at all. Tyrion calls her a “late-blooming philosopher” and reminds her that she has her own bad marriage on the horizon. She says she won’t be marrying Ser Loras. She also recommends giving Sansa a child, because then Sansa will have something to give her happiness. Tyrion asks how happy Cersei is, what with her three kids. The answer is, “Not very.” But she’d kill herself without her children, even Joffrey. Back when Joffrey was her only child, she’d spend hours looking at him. He was, apparently, a “jolly little fellow.” Cersei reminisces, “Whenever he was with me, he was happy. And no one can take that away from me, not even Joffrey.” She drinks some wine. Cersei says this whole rigmarole will go on until they’re out of enemies. But since they create two more enemies every time they eliminate one, it’ll presumably take a while. Maybe they should try creating friends? It’s just a thought.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Sandor and Arya ride their horse down the road. It’s very pastoral. They pass a group of Frey soldiers sitting around a campfire and boasting about how great they are. As Sandor and Arya pass, one of the Freys says, “I tell you what, though, the hardest thing was getting that wolf’s head to stay on the body.” Arya hops down. This guy says he was one of the ones that sewed the head on. He’s explaining how he had to hook the needle around the collarbone when Arya walks up and acts pathetic. She asks for some of their food, and he snaps, “Does fuck off mean something different where you’re from. She offers him some money, and it’s the coin she got from Jaqen H’ghar. She drops it on the dirt, then drops it. When the man reaches for it, she stabs him over and over again. Then Sandor comes in and kills the other three pretty brutally. Sandor did not realize that Arya had stolen a knife from him, although I think he should probably have just assumed it. He asks if it’s the first man she’s killed, and it is. She doesn’t mention the boy. Sandor says to tell him the time she’s planning on doing something like that. Then he sits down at the fire and starts eating, because it’s not like he’s actually opposed to killing people and taking their stuff. He just wants to know when riding time is over and killing time has started. She takes her coin from the ground and whispers, “Valar Morghulis.” As you may remember, this is the phrase Jaqen taught her. She’s supposed to give this coin to anyone from Braavos warrior and say “Valar Morghulis,” and then Jaqen will come find her. I would like that to happen, because I miss Jaqen. He was fun.
Jon Snow washes his facial wounds in a pool. I guess he got away. No, wait. Ygritte’s there! She points her arrow at him. Perhaps he did not get away after all. He tells her he didn’t have a choice, and she always knew what he was. She did! She never once thought he was sincere in his desire to leave the Night’s Watch. He tells her, “I know you won’t hurt me.” She says, of course, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” Oh yeah? Then kill him. That’ll show him. He says, “I do know some things. I know I love you. I know you love me. I have to go home now.” She emotes. He turns and she shoots him in the shoulder. Well! He climbs up on the horse. She shoots him in the leg. He rides off. As he goes, she shoots him one more time. He gets over the hill and away, but I think he’s learned a valuable lesson about stopping to bathe your wounds when Ygritte’s after you.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Castle Black. We haven’t been here in quite some time. Sam and Gilly are standing before Maester Aemon. Sam says he knows how this must look. Gilly calls Aemon “My Lord,” which gives him an excuse to lecture her and Sam on the vows that the men of the Night’s Watch take. They preclude being a lord, as well as certain other woman-related activities. Sam clarifies that Gilly’s son is not his. This is the first time that Aemon learns that Gilly is one of Craster’s wives. Aemon tries to take control of the conversation by asking Sam if he remembers his oath. But Sam is happy to quote it, particularly “I am the shield that guards the realms of men.” In his opinion, that means they’re supposed to protect humans, even Wildlings like Gilly. They didn’t build a whopping big wall just to keep out Wildlings. The night is gathering and it’s coming for all of them. Aemon digests this, then tells Gilly she’s a guest, since they clearly can’t send her back north. She says she can cook and clean, which is good news. Aemon has Sam get a pen and paper. They have 44 ravens, and Sam is to feed them all. They all fly tonight. I think they should probably save a couple ravens back in case something even worse happens tomorrow. On this show, something worse always happens tomorrow.
Dragonstone. Davos is in Shireen’s cell, puzzling through a pile of messages to Stannis. The one he’s currently reading is an invitation to the Name Day celebration for someone. Stannis wouldn’t care about that even if he weren’t engaged in a war. Shireen is unable to help him with the question of why there’s a “g” in night, which means that the language he’s trying to read is, in fact, English. I realize nobody was that worried about that. She recommends reading her cool history books instead of Stannis’s messages, because the messages are boring and her books have sentences like, “His fangs were as long as bastard swords.” That does sound interesting! More interesting than watching Davos read the mail, anyway. Davos is doing this because he’s Stannis’s Hand. The message is to all the lords and nobles of Westeros. It begins, “The Night’s Watch implores…” Then there are bells. Davos tells Shireen to stay there and bar the door. That’s certainly what she should do, since she’s being kept in this cell. Although not a lot of prison cells have locks on the inside of the door.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!In Dragonstone’s war room, Melisandre picks some pieces off the war table and tosses them in the fire. Davos comes in and Stannis says Robb is dead. Melisandre says her faith has been rewarded. I’d like to take a moment to remind you that Stannis has the best war table. It’s really big, and it’s got landscape textures. Davos has decided he doesn’t care if Melisandre’s blood magic killed Robb, because uniting the seven kingdoms with blood magic is evil. Evil! Stannis changes the subject to the war table, which is totally okay with me. Aegon Targaryen had it carved and painted. And he won because he had dragons and magic. The lesson being that if you don’t have dragons, you’ll probably need magic. Davos says Gendry doesn’t need to be burnt as a human sacrifice if one drop of his blood killed Robb. Melisandre says a great gift requires a great sacrifice. Stannis looks out the window and again asks what the life of one bastard boy is against a kingdom. Davos answers, “Everything.” Stannis does not waver: “The boy must die.”
But in the very shot, Davos goes into Gendry’s cell and hustles him outside. It’s time to go, kid. Davos gives him a rowboat with bread and water and some vague directions. “Aim for that star” isn’t that useful when it’s such a foggy night. He also tells Gendry not to drink seawater, which is pretty useful. Gendry is supposed to row for a day and a night, and he’ll get to a city where he can’t stay. Then he’ll keep the coast on his left until you reach King’s Landing. The goldcloaks don’t know his face so he’ll be fine. Gendry doesn’t know how to swim, so Davos tells him not to fall out. Gendry asks why he’s doing this, and he says, “Because it’s right. And because I’m a slow learner.” He tells Gendry to have a bowl of Brown for him when he reaches Fleabottom. Yuck. Like the kid hasn’t suffered enough?
Jon falls off his horse when he reaches Castle Black. He doesn’t look great, but he recognizes Pyp and Sam. Sam says to carry him inside.
King’s Landing. Jaime walks in the front gate, looking shabby. Not as shabby as when he was a mud-covered prisoner, but still not as shiny as he was at the beginning of the series. A guy with a cart calls him “country boy” and tells him to get out of the way. Brienne gives him a sympathetic look. They walk on through the market.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Cersei is sitting in her bedroom, looking at a weird bone of some sort. It’s probably one of Joffrey’s baby toys. Jaime enters behind her and says, “Cersei?” She looks around and it takes her a second to recognize him. And about when she’s figured out who it is, he looks down at his stump. This scene probably starts getting really interesting immediately after they cut away.
Melisandre and Stannis are very angry at Davos, who doesn’t deny setting Gendry free. In fact, he feels good about saving Gendry’s life. What a monster. Melisandre says that by saving one life, he’s doomed tens of thousands. They were probably going to die anyway. But then, Gendry has probably fallen out of the rowboat and drowned. This isn’t a good world for optimists. Stannis sentences Davos to die. But since he’s still Hand, Davos formally advises him against it: “You’re gonna need me.” He has Stannis read the note. The Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch is dead. And, of course, “It’s coming. For all of us.” See? The doom is always coming to everyone. Stannis hands the note to Melisandre, who reads it and burns it. And Melisandre somewhat surprisingly takes Davos’s side: “This war of five kings means nothing. The true war lies to the north, my king. Death marches on the wall. Only you can stop him.” Davos says someone needs to rebuild Stannis’s army and bring in the sellswords and Melisandre agrees! Stannis laughs grimly (which is the way he does everything). He tells Davos, “You’ve been saved by that fire god you like to mock. You’re in his army now.” He was in the fire god’s army already, wasn’t he?
Daenerys stands outside the gates of Yunkai surrounded by her army. Selmy says the people of Yunkai will come to her. Jorah says she didn’t conquer them; she liberated them. Daenerys isn’t so sure: “People learn to love their chains.”
A bunch of people in chains and togas comes out. Daenerys’s army is ready for them! More ready than they need to be, it seems to me. Just because you have spears doesn’t mean you have to point them at everyone you see. Missandei does the introductions: This here is the Mother of Dragons. But when she gets to “It is to her you owe your freedom!” Daenerys stops her. Since Missandei was speaking High Valyrian, Daenerys is able to take over: “You do not owe me your freedom. I cannot give it to you. Your freedom is not mine to give.” She says they need to take it for themselves. They start shouting ,”Mhysa!” Missandei says it means “Mother.” The Yunkish start swarming around, and the army gets ready for an attack which is obviously not coming.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
So Robb's definitely dead. Arya sees his decapitated body being carried through the burning Stark encampment, except that his wolf's head has been attached onto his neck. Later on, she and Sandor pass a campfire where a Frey soldier is boasting about having done the needlework, so she hops off the horse and stabs him to death. Sandor kills the other men at the fire, and I can only assume this is the beginning of a three-kingdom killing spree where Sandor and Arya have wacky misadventures.
Tyrion and Sansa are getting along a little better, but that only lasts until everyone at King's Landing learns that Robb and Catelyn are dead. Joffrey announces to the Small Council that at his wedding, he's planning on serving Sansa Robb's head. Tyrion says some things, then Joffrey says some things, and the result is that Tywin tells King Joffrey to shut up and go to bed. Then he tells Tyrion to hurry up and generate a Lannister boy to run the North.
Until that day comes, the North is under the control of Roose Bolton, who's currently barely tolerating Walder Frey's gloating. He provides a valuable service, though, by revealing that the guy who's been torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow. Ramsay also gets some screentime, in which he eats a pork sausage and renames Theon "Reek." And he mails Theon's severed penis to Balon Greyjoy, who kind of doesn't care what happens to Theon. But Theon's sister Yara vows to save him, so that's something.
Bran's crew reaches the Nightfort and shares some ghost stories. But the weird noises aren't ghosts; they're Sam and Gilly! We have a storyline crossover! Sam shows them how to get through the Wall and also hands over some of the dragonglass weapons he's been carrying. Then Sam runs down to Castle Black, where he warns Maester Aemon about all the White Walkers and Walking Dead and whatnot that are on their way.
Davos is not happy about Melisandre's plan to sacrifice Gendry. And you can imagine how Gendry feels about it. So Davos gives Gendry a rowboat, which is sort of an escape plan. Stannis is all set to execute him, but Davos tells him about the White Walkers and so on. And even Melisandre agrees that this seems important, so Davos gets to stick around as Stannis's Hand.
Jon Snow is ambushed while washing his wounds. But it's only Ygritte, and he knows she won't hurt him. So she only shoots him with three arrows as he rides away, which means he's still alive when he reaches Castle Black.
Cersei seems unhappy about the way Joffrey is turning out, and she takes her unhappiness out on Tyrion, who's also moping. But then Jaime comes home, and Cersei's happy again! Well, really she just stares at him and his missing hand for a while, but I have confidence she'll smile eventually. But even more unhappy than Tyrion and Cersei put together is Shae, although she declines Varys's offer of a bag of diamonds to get out of town.
And finally, Daenerys meets the inhabitants of Yunkai. They're a bunch of newly freed slaves who are all calling her mother. They pick her up and she crowd-surfs into her new city. There are worse ways to travel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Oh, hey. Dragons! They’re hanging out near Daenerys’s feet. She sits to them and has them fly around. Offscreen, where they cost less money. She walks past her army and moves among the Yunkish, who keep saying “Mhysa!” and reaching out to touch her. This is the kind of reception that Viserys was imagining getting in Westeros. Then she gets picked up so she’s crowdsurfing and the crowd carries her into her new city. The message here is that Yunkai really, really loves her. Did you pick up on that? I guess I have to retract my claim that only bad things happen in this world. Daenerys is doing fine.
We close with a dragon’s-eye-view of the scene. The left side of the screen is all regimented and orderly, but the right side is unruly. I don’t know what it means, but it’s the last shot of the season, so it probably means something. I encourage you to spend the nine months inventing symbolism for it.
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.