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Remember last episode, when Theon Greyjoy decided he wanted to do something more dramatic with his time than just raid fishing villages? Well, he successfully took Winterfell and killed Ser Rodrik! However, Osha (the wildling lady who's been a Stark prisoner for awhile now) sleeps with Theon and stages an escape for herself, Rickon, Bran, Hodor, and the wolves. Rickon is the youngest Stark; he hasn't really done much so far. Anyway, the point is that Theon took Winterfell but immediately lost two children, one of whom can't walk.
North of the Wall, the rangers attack a group of wildlings. But one of them is a girl named Ygritte, and Jon Snow can't bring himself to kill her. So he pretty quickly gets cut off from the rest of his squad, trapped in the snowy wilderness with a wildling lady.
Arya listens in on a discussion between Tywin Lannister and Littlefinger and possibly gets away without Littlefinger recognizing her. But when she steals a note, she gets caught by Amory Lorch. I know that name because she immediately tells that name to Jaqen, who kills him just as he's opening the door to Tywin's room.
Oh, and Joffrey continues to be an idiot. He provokes a riot and Tyrion smacks him in the face again. Sansa nearly gets gang-raped, but the Hound rescues her. And someone steals Dany's dragons.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!You know how some shows take their titles from the episode's dialogue? Like someone will say, "This certainly is... a distressing dilemma!" and then the episode will be called "Certainly"? For some reason, Game of Thrones likes to title its episodes based on dialogue from the episode. No one says "The Old Gods and the New" in this episode, but both Catelyn Stark and Brienne said it last week. So presumably there will be something about old gods and new gods in this episode, at least metaphorically? Let's find out!
Previously: Theon planned to take Torrhen's Square, which the Starks mistakenly thought was the Mountain. And I repeated their mistake in the recap. Oh, the shame! The important thing to know is that when Bran sent two hundred soldiers to defend Torrhen's Square, he was reacting to Theon's attack. And when Theon made that attack, he knew he wouldn't be able to hold it. That's the key information from episodes. Also, I'm told that if you're trying to get your baby dragon to breathe fire, you should say "Dracarys" instead of "Trakaris" like I said in last week's recap. Baby dragons are very sensitive, so I'm sure it makes a huge difference.
The credits have King's Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, the Wall, and Qarth. I'm bored with those places. It's been a couple weeks, so I say it's time for someone to go someplace new.
We start in Winterfell itself, where Maester Luwin shuts a barn door against the sound of fighting and frantically writes a letter. A raven squawks. Luwin attaches the letter to the raven and sends it off just before soldiers burst in.
Bran Stark wakes up in his bedroom just as Theon Greyjoy kicks in the door. Theon announces that he's taken Winterfell. It doesn't seem to bother him that he's taken it from a little boy whose legs don't work. He explains to Bran that he sent men over the walls with grappling claws. Bran has been out of the loop for a while and doesn't understand what Theon's talking about since the last time he saw him, Theon was Robb Stark's boon companion. Theon explains that he's a Greyjoy, not a Stark. And he needs Bran to come down to the courtyard and yield Winterfell to him in front of everyone. Bran, since he's basically a Stark, refuses to yield. He'll fight to the last man! Theon sits on the bed and explains that he's already taken the castle, so the only thing Bran really has power over is his own people. And if he doesn't want all of his men killed, he'll have to yield to keep them safe. Theon goes to leave (and to find Hodor, who's supposed to be carrying Bran everywhere) and Bran asks if he hated the Starks the whole time. Theon does not answer.
Downstairs in the courtyard, surrounded by the sort of people you get in the Winterfell courtyard, Bran announces that he's yielded Winterfell to Theon, who immediately insists on being called "Prince Theon." This show certainly has a lot of scenes where somebody insists on a higher title than they were originally called. None of the citizens are happy about this development, but Bran tells them to knuckle under. Theon says that his father, Balon Greyjoy, has donned the ancient crown of salt and iron, making him King of the Iron Islands and he also claims Winterfell by right of conquest. One guy gets mouthy, so he gets whacked upside the head. Theon tells Luwin to send a raven to his father, giving instructions for what to do. Oh, that'll go over just great. Luwin is not thrilled at the idea of doing this, but apparently a Maester takes an oath to follow the lord of the castle and Theon is currently "the lord of Winterfell." So they just do whatever the highest-ranking person in the room says? That's weird.
Osha suddenly makes an appearance and calls him "Lord Greyjoy." She says that she's a captive of the Starks, the same way he used to be. She kneels and offers her fealty, suggesting that she'd be very useful with a spear in her hand. He says no and she shuffles back to her usual place to Bran. When Bran's shocked that his pet wildling might not be 100% loyal to him, she explains that Theon is the ocean who has come to drown Winterfell. Remember Bran's dream? It had the water coming over the walls, just like Theon's men. Well, not just like them. I'm sure if the ocean in his dream had used grappling hooks, he would have mentioned it.
A key part of Bran's dream was that Ser Rodrik was dead in the courtyard, so we'd better check off that box. And sure enough, two of Theon's goons bring Ser Rodrik through the front door of the castle. He was hard to capture, apparently. Rodrik says that Theon has "less honor than a back-alley whore" for moving against Robb Stark, who always thought of him as a brother. Theon denies that Robb is his brother, since his actual brothers were killed by Ned Stark. He basically repeats what Balon told him when he first got to Pyke. Theon says he was a hostage to Ned, not a son. His important message is, "The Seven Kingdoms are at war. And Winterfell is mine." Then Rodrik attacks him, so he gets shoved down to his knees.
Theon wants to lock Rodrik up in Winterfell's deepest, darkest cells. But Dagmer (first mate of the Sea Bitch and the only person from the Iron Islands who's even a little bit nice to Theon, which makes him a Trusted Advisor) tells Theon he can't do it. Everyone is watching. He has to make an example of Rodrik! Rodrik's on his knees and just kind of grimacing at Theon defiantly. Theon announces, in what he imagines to be a grand fashion, "Ser Rodrik! I sentence you to death!" Maester Luwin scurries up and urges him not to make a hasty decision. He claims that Rodrik is worth more alive as a hostage, since the Starks will pay for his return. That's a valid argument, but most of his reasoning is more like, "Please, Theon. Think what you're doing." Dagmer gives Theon a look and kind of shakes his head. Theon tells Luwin, "You'll address me as Prince Theon or you'll be ." See? When are people on this show going to realize that it's a good idea to just call people by whatever ridiculous title they've claimed for themselves? On a side note, I'd like to be referred to as "Archduke Montykins" from now on. Anyway! Rodrik is dragged to a bench that's a convenient height to bend him over and chop his head off. But first, he calls Theon a coward. Bran and Rickon lose their minds, screaming and crying and begging for Theon not to kill Rodrik. Theon ignores them. Rickon hides his head. To his credit, Theon does at least decide to do it himself. He takes out his sword and asks if Rodrik has any last words. He does: "Gods help you Theon Greyjoy. Now you are truly lost." CHOP!
Rodrik's head is still attached. CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! Kick! His head's finally off. That was pretty sloppy work. Do you think Ned Stark is the "Old Gods" of the title and Theon is the "New"? Because if that's what they were going for, that's bad news for everybody.
Oh, hey! It's a white dire wolf! Remember Ghost? He's the wolf that's occasionally near Jon Snow, when the show remembers he exists. In the books, I believe he's described as Snow's "constant companion," but a surprising number of plot points would change if there was really a giant killer wolf on hand. Like that time Snow got whopped over the head, which I really only keep bringing up because I liked the word "whopped." Ghost is happily roaming over a snowy mountaintop. Jon Snow, Qhorin Halfhand and three other rangers are also roaming over the mountains, but they're not as cheerful about it. Qhorin is of the opinion that Ghost is a wild creature who Snow can't train or predict. And he also shares some important exposition that the wildlings sleep during the day and move around at night. Snow points out that Qhorin just claims that wild things can't be predicted and Qhorin corrects him: he said that Snow can't do it.
Snow suggests that maybe they should be sleeping during the day themselves, since they'd just decided to act more like the wildlings themselves. But that won't work because unlike the actual wildlings, they don't know the terrain and would fall into a crevasse in the dark. They talk about how they're at war. Big deal -- everyone on this show is at war. Qhorin asks if Snow is prepared to lay down his life, but it's a trick question. He wants Snow to fight and struggle before he dies all so the people south of the wall will be alive because some nameless bastard gave his life. And when Snow says he understands, Halfhand backs off, saying they're just words. I think Qhorin is imagining himself as a brilliant mentor here, but really he's just being a jerk who negates everything Snow says.
Off to Harrenhal, which I think is my favorite plot location at the moment. Arya and Tywin are both lots of fun. Tywin is engaged in a common hobby: berating his council for being dopes. Here's what this one guy did: "This letter detailing our inventory movements was meant for Lord Damon of House Marbrand. It was send to Lord Marlym of House Dormund." This sounds like a hilarious misunderstanding! Tywin tells Arya to get the Lineage of the Greater and Lesser Houses and Arya accidentally reveals that she can read when she grabs the book before he tells her which one it is. Actually, I think if Tywin had been fully paying attention, he would have realized that she knew which book it was before she even had to read the title. Tywin makes the dummy tell him that House Dormund owes allegiance to House Stark, so this is a bad mistake. He dismisses this dope. To be fair, that's sloppy work. You're not supposed to send vital military information directly to your enemies. He has Arya put the book away. He also jocularly (for him) suggests that she devise the battle plan.
And then! Littlefinger's here! To see Tywin! Boy, Littlefinger sure travels quickly. Everyone else is largely stuck in one spot, but Littlefinger went from King's Landing to Renly's camp and then came back to Harrenhal without being molested. Everyone leaves and Tywin tells Arya to clear up the room. She gets very nervous, because Littlefinger has actually met her face to face. And what if he recognizes her? He might reveal her to Tywin! Or -- and I don't think Arya realizes this is an option -- he might "hide" her inside one of his brothels, which: gross. She tries to avoid his eyes as she cleans the table and brings him wine, which makes for interesting visual choreography as the rest of the scene plays out.
Littlefinger says he came here directly from Renly and Tywin shares the rumor he heard about how Tywin died: "Murdered by a woman, I hear." That's not entirely wrong, really. Arya stands behind Littlefinger as he talks about dark forces. Tywin thinks men love to blame demons for their own screw-ups. Littlefinger thinks this could be an opportunity, which Tywin ridicules as too obvious. Obviously it's an opportunity. Anyone can tell that! But Littlefinger has a specific opportunity in mind. He points out that the Tyrells are up for grabs. And there are more of them than just Loras and Margaery, although they're the decision-makers. Loras wants revenge and Margaery wants to be queen. Tywin points out that they're both traitors, especially Loras, who actively encouraged Renly to declare himself king. Littlefinger suggests punishing their treason "one day" after defeating Stannis. Arya brings Littlefinger more wine and he seems to recognize her. But then he has to concentrate on the possibility of riding to Highgarden on yet another errand. Tywin dismisses Arya. As she leaves, Littlefinger starts to tell Tywin that he met with Catelyn on the directive of Tyrion. Are you following all that? There were a lot of names in it. Tyrion Lannister, Tywin's son (the short one) told Littlefinger to go meet with Catelyn Stark without the knowledge of Cersei. And now Littlefinger's making sure Tywin knows. "Why?" "He had an interesting proposal for her. Concerning her daughters." That offer was "We'll trade Sansa and Arya Stark for Jaime Lannister." Arya leaves the room, which can't have been easy, considering the topic of discussion. And then we don't get to see what happens, which I personally object to. This isn't the book! Just because Arya's not there doesn't mean we can't listen in.
Oh well. Back to the snowy lands north of the Wall, where Snow is creeping around a rock outcropping. The other rangers do the same, although they do it around different outcroppings. Eventually, they decide they're in position and we see that they're surrounding a wildling camp. One of the rangers shoots a wildling with a bow and arrow. Time to attack! Wildlings get killed! One of them runs and Snow grabs her. But when he rolls his captive over and prepares to stab her to death, he discovers that it's a girl! So now he wants to question her. Qhorin says wildlings bite off their tongues rather than talk, so he thinks Snow should just kill her right now. In fact, she answers the first question right away: her name is Ygritte. And Snow tells her his name: Jon Snow. Qhorin looks on and I get the feeling he wants to be rolling his eyes. She recommends burning the bodies of the wildlings they just killed. Qhorin thinks that's a ploy to get them to build a big fire that will just draw more of them. She says she wants the dead bodies burned so they don't come back to life. Also, there are hundreds and thousands of "free folk" through the pass, so they better watch out. She won't say what's in the mountains that made all the wildlings (or "free folk" if you insist) move up there. Qhorin asks if they mean to march on the Wall and now she clams up. She unclams long enough to admit that she's heard of him. He asks, "If your people captured me, would they take me prisoner?" Nope! He'd get killed right away... or maybe slowly. He says they have no food for her and can't watch her. And they can't let her go because she'll go to Mance Rayder. Snow says he'll do it and Qhorin takes everyone but Snow off to the top of the mountain. So he's leaving Snow alone with this hostage that he's already shown reluctance to kill? Seems like an odd choice.
Now that they're alone, Ygritte tells Snow that she can tell he's never killed a woman. She offers to take him to Mance to join the free people, but he pokes her in the throat with the tip of his sword. She rolls over to expose her neck on the stone. She asks, "Will you burn me? After?" Snow: "Can't. Someone might see the smoke." She says, "Strike hard and true, Jon Snow. Or I'll come back and haunt ya." And then she lies there, stoically awaiting her death.
But he doesn't do it. She tells him to hurry up. So do I! Come on, man! Make with the choppy-choppy! Nope. He eventually swings his sword, but he hits the stone by her head. She kicks him in the leg and runs off. He chases after her in a very scenic sequence that looks very cold. She leaps crevasses and he slides down a slope and tackles her. His knife is to her throat. She says he obviously can't kill her, so it's not much of a threat. Yeah, if you don't kill a woman within five minutes of meeting her, she loses all respect for you. That's one of those Pickup Artist rules, like negging and dressing like an idiot. She says that the sun's going down and his friends are nowhere close. She dares him to call for them. Loudly. He looks around.
King's Landing! Myrcella is being rowed into the water. Well, I guess a boat is being rowed, but Myrcella is a passenger on that boat. There's a septon droning on about marriage and the court is watching her leave. Cersei tells Tyrion she wants him to know what it's like to love someone, so she can take it away. Tommen is crying and King Joffrey mocks him, saying that it's unprincely behavior. Sansa says she saw Joffrey cry, which is a bad thing to say. He turns on her and she modifies her claim to be about seeing her little brother crying when she left. Joffrey says her little brother isn't a prince, so it doesn't count.
King Joffrey walks through the crowd, which is supposedly composed of his loyal subjects. Some people shout things like "All hail the king!" But they're doing it in kind of a sarcastic tone. Some others shout about how they want food or about what a little weasel Joffrey is. Tyrion has Tommen hustled back to the castle. Then a hunk of shit bounces off Joffrey's face. A riot starts! The peasants are revolting! The crowd surrounds Joffrey's retinue. Joffrey shouts, "Kill them! Kill them all!" The Hound picks up Joffrey and drags him to safety while Joffrey demands executions. The crowd falls on the septon and rips off his arm. They're pretty pleased with themselves for that move.
Once everyone's safely into a locked room, Tyrion asks where Sansa is. She's still out there. The soldiers retreat, killing a few peasants. And then there's possibly my favorite closed-captioning ever, which reads thusly: "People: MOTHERFUCKER"
Sansa's still trapped outside. Some rapists chase her down an alley. I mean, I don't know if they've definitely raped anyone in the past, but they definitely plan on doing some raping as soon as they catch up with her.
Tyrion calls Joffrey a vicious idiot. Joffrey gets mad at being talked to that way. Tyrion says he was hit by a cow pie so he wanted to kill them all? And the people are starving from a war Joffrey started! Joffrey tries on some dudgeon: "You're talking to a king!" SLAP! Tyrion: "And now I've struck a king! Did my hand fall from my wrist?" Tyrion is really angry at Joffrey and asks if he's protected Sansa, who's the only way to get Jaime back. Joffrey wants to let the people have Sansa, because all he cares about is his own safety and maybe causing some pain here and there.
Three of the intended rapists catch up with Sansa in the stables. She slaps one. He hits her. She's knocked to the ground and asked, "You ever been fucked, little girl?" Back in the safe area, Tyrion tells someone to get some soldiers and find the Stark girl. But the answer is, "I take my orders from the king." Joffrey looks around and I think he's started crying. Joffrey leaves, pointedly not giving any orders about Sansa's safety.
With Sansa about to undergo a fate worse than death, the Hound shows up and starts killing rapists. He kills them all, in exceptionally bloody fashion. Then he tells her, "You're all right now, little bird. You're all right." She meekly lets him pick her up. I really wasn't sure how far that scene was going to go, since the parental advisory warning said there was going to be nudity in this episode.
Out in the city, people are fighting and raping. You know that song in Camelot, "What Do the Simple Folk Do?" The answer on this show is "fight and rape." The Hound carries Sansa back into the safe zone and says that the little bird should be taken back to her cage. Tyrion thanks him, but he says he didn't do it for Tyrion.
Enough of them. Off to Qarth! Daenerys is hanging out in a lush courtyard with Xaro Xhoan Daxos. She's mad that the Spice King (the second wealthiest man in Qarth) is making her wait. Daxos tells her that she should have married the wealthiest man... which is him. Then he piles on a bunch of compliments until she has to tell him that flattery doesn't work on her. He says no women are immune to flattery.
Ah! The Spice King is the guy I've been calling Kingpin. That's close enough. He finally appears at the top of some stairs with a big retinue behind him. He says he had terrible dreams and that Dany is beautiful. People sure like to tell her she's pretty. He calls Daxos a glorified dockworker and Daxos brings up the fact that the Spice Kingpin's grandfather married someone much prettier and more handsome than he was. Spice Kingpin does not blink: "Every lady alive was lovelier and higher born than my grandfather." Dany decides it's time to take over the scene and says she wants her birthright: the seven kingdoms of Westeros. The Spice Kingpin basically shrugs and says, "I cannot give you what I do not have." So she asks for ships, which he does have, but the problem there is that he uses his ships himself. She promises that she's going to retake the Iron Throne, so he quibbles over whether she can technically "retake" something she never had. I think it's clear that she means that she's going to take it back for the Targaryens, who did in fact have someone sitting on it at one time. She tells him that she didn't come here to argue grammar, which is a shame. Spice Kingpin tells her she doesn't have exalted ancestors, so he has to judge each trade on its merits. And since she doesn't have an army or actual allies in Westeros, he judges her odds to be slim. She says that once she's in Westeros, the people will rise to fight for their rightful queen. He does not consider this likely and certainly not worth the large investment involved in giving her all his ships.
She asks if he knows Illyrio, the guy who gave her those eggs. He does. She points out that they hatched. "When I stepped into the fire, my own people thought I was mad. But when the fire burned out, I was unhurt. The Mother of Dragons. Do you understand? I'm no ordinary woman. My dreams come true." She's leaning pretty hard on the "mother of dragons" angle. Look, just because you have some exotic pets does not mean you're going to conquer an entire kingdom. Spice Kingpin says, "I admire your passion. But in business, I trust in logic, not passion." Then he calls her "little princess," which she finds demeaning, because she'll take what is hers with fire and blood. "Yes, my lady. But not with my ships."
Arya cleans up Tywin's table during one of the rare moments that it's not surrounded by people being yelled at for being incompetent. She sees a note that says "Robb Stark" on it, but we don't have time to read the whole thing. Tywin appears behind her and asks who taught her to read. She says it was her father. Tywin reminisces about the time he tried to teach Jaime to read, but the letters kept reversing in his head. So that's why it's spelled "Jaime" and not "Jamie" like I want it to be! Back then, a Maester told Tywin it was a waste of time, but Tywin sat Jaime down for four hours a day until he learned.
Tywin asks after Arya's father, and she says he was a stonemason who taught himself to read. And then he died. Tywin continues to exhibit interest: "Quite a man. What killed him?" "Loyalty." Tywin asks, "You're a sharp little thing, aren't you?" Arya starts to ask a question and then says she shouldn't. Tywin agrees, but lets her finish. She asks if he knew his father. He did! He grew up with him and watched him grow old. As he reminisces about how his father was a weak man who nearly destroyed the Lannisters, he sits down facing away from her -- the better to look wistful. Once he's turned away, she pockets the note. Then he says he's cold, so she's sent off to fetch wood.
In a nook in the castle, she reads the note. We can't see all of it (and you have no idea how much that bothers me), but here's what we can make out: "Marching ten thousand men on the tooth. Estimate to reach you by week's end. (SOMETHING) Robb Stark moving troops south by coast. Alert (SOMEONE) turn east at Silverhill." So it's something important! She runs downstairs, presumably to send an important message to Robb and runs into someone who wants to know where she's going. I don't actually recognize him, but I happen to know that it's Amory Lorch. She tells him she's on her way to the armory on Lord Tywin's orders. He's not particularly convinced. And he can see that she's trying to hide the note. She says that Tywin gave it to her. He doesn't buy it. She runs. There's a chase! She escapes, hiding behind a pillar.
She then runs through the castle, grabbing long-haired knights until she finds one that's Jaqen H'ghar. She shouts at him, "Amory Lorch!" Which is how I knew who it was. Jaqen acknowledges that she's named a second name. But she wants him to get right on it, because she needs Amory Lorch killed right away. Jaqen answers, philosophically, "A man cannot make a thing happen before its time." She insists that it happen right away. Jaqen sighs. She glares at him.
Tywin's door opens and it's Amory Lorch. Who falls down dead. Oops! Dart in your neck! Tywin is irritated by this, because even though it's annoying to be surrounded by incompetents, that doesn't mean you want them being assassinated right in the middle of your castle.
Robb strolls through his camp being called "Your Grace." He seems cheerful. He sees that medic, Lady Talisa. She's the one who seemed put out by his war causing young men to get their legs cut off. She questions the name "Lady Talisa" because she's not sure she's a lady. He admits it's hard to remember all the rules, but if she's of noble birth, that makes her a lady. And he's convinced she's of noble birth. She asks, hypothetically, what if she says not and he hypothetically calls her a liar. She wants to know if they'll be there long and he wisely chooses not to discuss troop movements. She says she's not a spy, but I think it's just a good idea not to discuss it. He asks her to dinner.
And just then, Catelyn walks up, accompanied by Brienne. Robb introduces her to Lady Talisa. Catelyn politely asks for her last name, which she gives up this time: Maegyr. She's from Volantis, which is why Cat doesn't recognize the name. Talisa leaves and Cat smirks at Robb. She reminds him that he's supposed to marry somebody from Lord Frey's family. And then a messenger comes up with news from Winterfell, which is probably going to distract them.
Snow and Ygritte reach a cave. She tells him his brothers have deserted him, but she could tell him where to go. He doesn't seem inclined to take advice from her. I guess once you've tied someone's wrists together and attached a leash to them, they're no longer trustworthy. Snow wants to stop right there, which she thinks is dumb. There's no shelter. And he won't even set a fire. "Have it your way." He ties her up (more than before, I mean) and lays her down on the ground. She tells him, "We'll stay warmer if we stay close." She bets he freezes to death before he does. So he reluctantly lies down behind her, spooning her.
Hey, you know what would come in handy when you're trying not to freeze to death out in the snowy wastes? A giant dire wolf! Those things look all kinds of warm and snuggly. How come Ghost can't come over here and sleep on their legs or something?
They spoon. She tells him he's stupid but brave. He says they'll start again at first light. But now it is time for sleep. She wiggles her butt against his crotch and he tells her to stop. She claims that she just wants to get comfortable. The wind whistles. He looks uncomfortable. She smirks a little. I still think Ghost would come in handy in this situation.
Back to Robb's camp, where -- as I predicted -- people are not delighted with the news that Winterfell has been taken. Especially when it was taken by Theon Greyjoy, who they last saw when he was going to the Iron Islands to convince his father Balon to join them. He's not a very good negotiator. This is like if you try to haggle down the price of a car and then you end up working for the dealership. Or is it? I think that analogy holds together. Anyway, Catelyn's theory as to why Theon would do this is "Because the Greyjoys are treasonous whores." There's no word of Bran or Rickon, but Ser Rodrik is definitely dead. Catelyn tells Robb she told him never to trust a Greyjoy. Robb wants to rush back to Winterfell. But his advisor says kings don't have to do everything themselves. They know that Theon is holding Winterfell with a skeleton crew, so it probably won't require the entire strength of their army to get it back. Then the advisor busts out my favorite line of the episode: "Let me send word to my bastard at the Dreadfort." Man. Absolutely! You should definitely be sending word to your bastard at the Dreadfort. Do that. And let's see if we can get the Dreadfort into the opening credits. It can replace Pyke, which is only there to represent Theon, who's not even there.
The advisor's reasoning for Robb not taking his whole army away is that the Lannisters are on the run and if Robb goes north, he'll lose his advantage. Robb wants Theon brought to him alive, but the most important thing is that Bran and Rickon be kept safe.
Back to Winterfell! Osha is taking another shot at trying to convince Theon she could serve him. He calls her a lying little savage, so it's not going too well. And he firmly refuses to give her a spear. She says, "There are other ways to serve, my prince." She says the free people know things. Theon guesses that one of them is "How to eat dirt." She says she's talking about "Other things. Savage things." Things with nipples. By which I mean that she's taken off her robe and is now nekkid. If you're looking for clips for your Nymphadora Tonks fanvid, this is where to go. She says she just wants her freedom. He eyeballs her breasts (as does the camera) and says she'll have it if she serves him well.
Sansa gets her wounds touched up by Shae, who you'll remember is her handmaiden when she's not being Tyrion's... uh, bedmaiden. Sansa thought she was going to be killed because all the men out in the city hated her. Shae explains, "You are everything he will never have. Your horse eats better than his children." Sansa protests that she hates the king more than anyone and Shae tells her not to say that out loud. Sansa trusts Shae, but Shae accurately explains to her how to live: "Don't trust anybody. Life is safer that way."
Theon is asleep in his bed, all passed out from glorious wildling sex. Osha sneaks out of the room. Theon stirs a little, but doesn't otherwise notice.
Osha walks out into the Winterfell courtyard. A guard asks her, "And where are you going?" She claims Theon told her to "make the rounds and keep you warm." Then she steals his knife and stabs him. That's some sloppy guarding. Did he really think Theon was a sharing person? She whistles. Rickon comes out and so does Hodor, carrying Bran. The wolves come too. It's an escape!
Qarth. Daenerys whines about the Spice King (who won't give her any ships) the Silk King (who's in with the Lannisters, so definitely won't help her) and the Copper King (who offered one boat for a night of sex). Daxos says he came to the city with nothing. And now? "Today, I am the richest man in Qarth." He recommends against being honorable. He's done many things that were not righteous. They go into a courtyard filled with dead Dothraki. At Daxos's order, the gates are barred and bells are rung. She goes up to her room, where she sees empty dragon cages and dead handmaidens. She shouts, "WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?"
Screeching dragons (well, boxes that make the sound of screeching dragons) are carried up some stairs by someone we don't see. The person carrying them is using some kind of yoke that makes him look crucified. And he's going up toward a large tower. That's all we know!
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
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