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Robb Stark wins another battle against the Lannisters, thanks to his tactic of sending an army of direwolves to ravage them in the night. This results in King Joffrey threatening Sansa with a crossbow, because he's a nasty piece of work. Tyrion yells at him and even tries sending him a couple of prostitutes, but what's wrong with Joffrey can't be fixed with a just getting laid. So he has one of his ladies torture the other one so he can show Tyrion how sadistic he is. Great!
Out at Renly's encampment, Littlefinger would like to propose a deal in which he secretly opens the gates of King's Landing for Renly's army in return for Renly not killing him when he becomes king. And maybe keeping Littlefinger on the Small Council, if he's feeling generous. While he's there, he also drops hints at Margaery about how everyone knows that Renly's more interested in Ser Loras. He also drops by Catelyn Stark's tent to offer to trade Arya and Sansa Stark for Jaime Lannister. This is kind of an empty promise, but she doesn't know they lost Arya. Catelyn doesn't want to make the deal, since it's not what Robb wants. But Littlefinger brought along a little something to sweeten the deal: the remains of Ned Stark. In a box. She looked quite overcome when she got it, but that might have been the smell.
Out in the Red Waste, Daenerys finds out that there's a city to the east. She and her khalasar (which is somewhat generously described as "a Dothraki horde") rush out there to find a rude welcome. They get in without Daenerys having to show off her baby dragons, which undoubtedly made the CGI people quite relieved.
Arya and the Night's Watch Recruits have been dragged to Harrenhal, where the prisoners are being interrogated to death by someone with a bucket of rats. Just before Gendry gets killed, Tywin Lannister rides up and calls a halt to the prisoner-killing. He also spots that Arya is really a girl and claims her as a cupbearer.
Finally, Stannis and Renly meet in person before throwing their armies at each other. But Stannis has a secret plan. Davos and the weird priestess Melisandre row into a secluded cove so they can creep into a tunnel. Then Melisandre strips down and gives birth to something made out of smoke. I'll be honest: it's pretty weird.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!You know, I kind of resent that this show makes me pay attention to the credits. I already don't have commercial breaks during which to stare vacantly into the distance, so I'd like some sort of break during the show. My wishes, however, are not being taken into account, because every week there are different cities in the opening credits. This week, we see King's Landing. Harrenhal (a new place!), Pyke, Winterfell, the Wall and Qarth (also new!). That means there's no Vaes Dothrak, which I'm glad about. Not that I have anything against it, really; it's just that Daenerys hasn't been anywhere near there for the entire season and I was starting to take its presence in the credits as a purposeful lie.
It is now a dark and stormy night. See, if I didn't have to do all that talking about the opening credits, I could have started with that and then moved on to talking about Lord Bulwer-Lytton and Snoopy and A Wrinkle in Time. But now you are deprived of all that. You're just going to have to Google all those references and guess what I was going to say about them. In Game of Thrones, which I'm supposed to be talking about, two guys in armor are speculating about who would win in a fight between the Mountain, Jaime Lannister and Loras Tyrell. One says that Loras is the best with a sword. The other answers, "How good could he be? He's been stabbing Renly Baratheon for years and Renly ain't dead." So absolutely everyone knows about Renly and Loras? I was under the impression that it was being kept at least a little secret. While this philosophical debate is going on, they notice that their horses seem restless. One goes to investigate. There are suspicious noises. "There's somethin' out there," he announces. There's a dramatic pause, which I approve on the grounds of it being easy to recap. Then one of them lets out a giant fart.
That, of course, was hilarious. And also entirely appropriate humor for both the vaguely medieval time period and the general profession of soldier. And now that the tension has been broken, a giant wolf comes and eats them. We see Robb sitting on his horse and his men attack. Probably. It's still a pretty dark night (as well as being stormy), so I have to infer what's going on from the sounds of battle. Far be it from me to suggest that staging the battles at night is a cost-cutting measure.
The morning (as implied by the fog everywhere), there are dead men all over the place. There are also a lot of people screaming, which I guess implies that not everyone is dead. Robb walks through the battlefield and gets the report: there are five Lannisters dead for every one of his. That's pretty good. I believe Robb's now won three big battles against the Lannisters, so presumably the war's going really well for him. It'll probably be over pretty soon, right? So now he's got some high-class problems, like having so many prisoners there's no place to put them and not enough food to feed them. Contrary to the broad hints of his advisor, Robb would prefer not to just kill all the prisoners. He doesn't even want to torture the officers to learn Tywin Lannister's plans. His excuse is that the Lannisters have prisoners of their own and he doesn't want retaliation. Well, I'm sure that will keep the Lannisters from mistreating their Stark-aligned prisoners, right?
One poor prisoner has a seriously messed up foot. The official diagnosis is gangrene, although it's dressed up in some old-timey talk about how the death has set in. The point is, it will have to come off. The patient is not happy about this. Robb goes to soothe him, although he should really be soothing the guys who fought on his side. The foot gets sawed off and the patient gets loaded onto the cart. Robb looks pensively at the woman who performed the amputation. She's willing to tell him her first name is Talisa, but she won't share her last name. She figures that he just wants to know which side her family is sworn to, but she seems to consider herself above all that. She blames Robb for that amputated foot and Robb feels the need to defend himself, saying, "I have no hatred for the lad." She ripostes with, "That should help his foot grow back." She says the boy didn't have anything to do with Ned Stark's head getting cut off or, in fact, any of the things that Robb is fighting over. Robb says he can't just go back to Winterfell, but he promises to go home just as soon as he's killed Joffrey. And no, he has no plan for what's supposed to happen to Westeros after that. All he wants to do is invade, kill the king and leave. I imagine this could be some kind of political allegory for the Iraq war, although it was written in 1998, eight years before Saddam Hussein died. Talisa is not impressed. Robb tries to make nice by telling her the boy was lucky she was there. "He's unlucky that you were," she shoots back. Robb stands there, dumbly.
Enough of the brutality of war. Let's move on to the brutality of the throne room at King's Landing! From the Iron Throne, Joffrey points a crossbow down at Sansa, who tearfully asks for her life saying that her traitor brother's actions have nothing to do with her. There are plenty of people standing around and watching, because what's the point in doing this sort of thing unless you have a gaggle of sycophants watching you do it? Lancel Lannister interrupts the show by lecturing Sansa about how wolves fell on Stafford Lannister (via sorcery, he guesses) and then the Northmen ate the flesh of the slain. Lancel is the weedy kid who was Robert Baratheon's squire when he died and later we saw him in bed with Cersei, who's his cousin or something. Cersei's got a type. Joffrey looks down his crossbow at Sansa and muses that killing her would definitely send a message to Robb Stark. That message, although Joffrey doesn't know it, would be, "We no longer have any important hostages and there is no reason for you to hold off on killing Jaime Lannister." Joffrey's got a different reason for not doing it: Cersei says he's not allowed to. But he still wants to send a message, so he has one of his knight punch Sansa in the gut. While wearing full armor. And he's not done! Joffrey instructs his knight, "Leave her face. I like her pretty." Another punch to the gut! A whack with the flat of the sword! Sansa's dress ripped off! Joffrey's enjoying this: "If we want Robb Stark to hear us, we'll have to speak louder!" Sword out! But just then!
"What's the meaning of this?" It's Tyrion, striding down the middle of the throne room. He would like to know what kind of knight beats a helpless girl. The answer: "The kind who serves his king, Imp." Bronn advises care: "We don't wanna get blood all over your pretty white cloak." I enjoy the way Bronn looks down at the random courtly clothing the knight is wearing. It's a lot like the way Stannis made fun of Theon's outfit when he first got to Pyke. Tyrion lectures Joffrey about not punishing his future queen for someone else's crime: "She did not fight her brother's battle, you halfwit." Joffrey doesn't like that: "The king can do as he likes!" I guess he was brought up to believe that. Tyrion says that's what the Mad King thought and look what happened to him. Perhaps, suggests Tyrion, Joffrey's "uncle" Jaime Lannister, the Kingslayer, could help enlighten him. The knight makes to pull his sword and says that no one threatens the king in the presence of the Kingsguard. Tyrion claims he was just educating his nephew. Then he tells Bronn to kill the knight the time he speaks. "That was a threat. See the difference?" Tyrion's a lot of fun.
Tyrion walks down the steps and offers his hand to the kneeling Sansa, who stands. They walk out and Tyrion apologizes for his nephew's behavior. Given a chance to say she wants out, Sansa naturally claims that she is loyal to King Joffrey, her one true love. She and her ladies in waiting walk out, leaving Tyrion to muse, "Lady Stark. You may survive us yet." Bronn thinks Joffrey's all clogged up with sexual tension, resulting in his ridiculous behavior. Tyrion asks, "You think dipping his wick will cure what ails him?" Bronn shrugs. "There's no cure for being a cunt." But it couldn't hurt, is their general opinion.
Joffrey snits into his chambers and is not happy to see The Hound there. He's only there to deliver the news that Tyrion has left Joffrey a Name Day present in his bedroom. It is a young lady! Two of them, in fact, one of whom is our favorite King's Landing prostitute, Ros. We're done with The Hound now. He wasn't really essential to the scene, in my opinion, because the two young ladies also explain the premise: Tyrion sent them as a Name Day present. Joffrey objects that his Name Day is past, but they're not sticklers for calendrical accuracy. He wants them to make out for his entertainment. Joffrey is a lot like the directors of this show, when you think about it. They do so. He asks Ros, "Could you hit her?" Sure. There's some light spanking. They say they were chosen by Tyrion personally. He smiles and takes off his belt. "Use this."
Whack. "Harder." Whack! The recipient of the blows is beginning to transition from fake squeals to actual shrieks. "I said harder. You want me to get his money's worth." Whacking continues, with screaming. Joffrey turns his back and looks at his scepter. I don't think we've seen it before, so it may help if I describe it as being about a yard long, maybe three or four inches thick and solid wood. Except at the end, where there are some antler-like things that help establish the Baratheon-as-stag brand. Ros says that too much pain will spoil the pleasure. Joffrey takes no notice of this. He wants the beaten one brought to Tyrion's chambers when she's done. "Or the same thing will happen to you. Begin." Sobbing. Whacking. But not the kind of whacking that would imply that Joffrey's getting any sort of sexual enjoyment out of this. He's just fondling his crossbow (his literal crossbow) and watching. The creep.
Now to Renly's camp, where Littlefinger is Littlefingering it up. He has the sense to call Renly "Your Grace," thus denying us the fun of yet another scene where someone forgets that they're talking to a self-declared king. Renly doesn't trust Littlefinger's alleged loyalty, because he's not entirely dim. Littlefinger protests, claiming that he's just practical. Renly would like Littlefinger out of there quickly and asks what he's doing there in the first place. Behind him. Brienne glowers. First, Littlefinger assures Renly that he has many friends at court who feel that Ned Stark should upheld his claim to the throne. Renly figures that Littlefinger's here to try to secure his position after Renly's inevitably successful march on King's Landing. Littlefinger admits this, although he's more interested in not getting his head cut off if Renly wins. He's not here for Renly's affection. He says that when Renly marches on King's Landing, he could face a protracted siege. "Or... open gates." So it's an outright offer of treachery, then. Well, Renly does have the biggest army, so I guess it makes sense to at least consider what would happen if he wins.
, Littlefinger is outside by a fire. It looks like it's a regular fire in a barrel, but that's more of a hobo thing. Margaery Tyrell -- Renly's wife -- is there and Littlefinger claims that he needs her help finding his tent. That's pretty flimsy, but I guess we need to start their scene somehow. So they stroll through the encampment having a chat. She lets slip that she does not share a tent with Renly. Littlefinger speculates that Renly must be very busy, but then moves on to: "I did notice your brother entering the king's tent." Margaery observes that her marriage seems very interesting to him and Littlefinger claims that her marriage is interesting to the whole realm. She shifts gears and asks him, "You've never married, have you?" He has not had that great pleasure. She pretends that he's confused by the whole notion of marriage, so she explains that her husband is her king and her king is her husband. She leaves him at his tent. Man, she's awesome. First she was incredibly understanding of Renly's preferences in a spot where a lot of women would have freaked out. Then she stared down Littlefinger in a contest he's pretty good at. Renly could have done a lot worse for himself.
The Red Waste. A horse arrives at Daenerys's increasingly crummy camp. It's one of the riders Dany sent out, but he's on a new horse that was given him by The Thirteen. And who are they? Well, they're the leaders of a city called Qarth, which is three days to the east, down to the sea. Daenerys has never heard of it either, so there's no reason for us to feel embarrassed about our ignorance. The Thirteen say they'd be honored to receive the Mother of Dragons. Jorah has some useful information, which is that the desert around Qarth is called "The Garden of Bones." If they don't let people in their gates, they add to the garden. So it's a risk to go there, but the alternative is to just die in the desert, so I guess Daenerys knows where to go .
Arya and the recruits arrive at what must be Harrenhal. I mean, it looks a lot like the big pointy castle from the opening credits and also that's where the gold cloaks said they were taking the prisoners. I hear it's cursed. Gendry, Hot Pie and Arya look at it and Hot Pie asks what kind of fire melts stone. I will be honest and say that I did not notice any melted stone, but if Hot Pie says it's there, I will trust him. Arya says that the answer is Dragon Fire, which I happen to know is also a great way to cook chow mein noodles. That's a reference to an early Muppet-themed commercial, which I highly recommend you seek out on YouTube. If Daenerys's dragons grow up to be anything like the La Choy Dragon, we're in for some good times. And if the budget for future seasons gets cut, I wouldn't rule it out. Hot Pie also wonders what the bad smell is and Arya says it's dead people.
There are many prisoners in shackles. Which makes sense, because you see very few free people in shackles. There's also a lot of screaming. There's an old lady staring into the distance, listening to the screams. I can't help but imagine the recording studio where some poor voice actors had to spend hours screaming. Actually, that sounds like fun, assuming you get lozenges or something when you're done. The lady says, "He's dead. He was my son. My sister was three days ago. My husband the day before that." They take someone every day. Arya asks if anyone lives after being "taken," and there's no answer. Hot Pie is freaked out.
Everyone's chained up in an outdoor cage, so they can get rained on. Arya's on the ground, muttering the names of people: "Joffrey. Cersei. The Hound. Ilyn Payne" And so on. Ilyn Payne was the executioner who cut off Ned's head. I assume these are the names of people she's going to kill when she gets out. It's good to have goals. It's also interesting that she's coincidentally considered the riddle that Varys posed to Tyrion. Who's responsible for the executioner's actions? Arya doesn't care. She'll kill everyone who might be even a little responsible.
Littlefinger and Catelyn, still at Renly's camp. She's mad at him, since she blames him for Ned's death. Littlefinger swears he wasn't treacherous and practically begged Ned to quit screwing around with the issue of Joffrey's parentage and just be a good Hand. That's a nice claim, but I distinctly remember seeing Littlefinger with his knife to Ned's throat. He takes this opportunity to tell her, "I've loved you since I was a boy. It seems to me that fate has given us this chance." So his big romantic move is to tell her that "fate" killed Ned? Catelyn pulls out a knife and tells him to get out. That's about the best result he could hope for, really. Littlefinger returns to weaseling, which is really his strong suit: "Do you want to see your girls again? Sansa, more beautiful than ever? And Arya, just as wild as ever?" He says they're both healthy and safe for now, because it would be bad for business to go around admitting they don't have Arya at King's Landing. He claims that he fears for the girls' longevity if they remain in the capital with Cersei and Joffrey around. Well, that's not entirely wrong; at the very least, Joffrey's bound to accidentally maim Sansa at some point. She lowers the knife and asks what he wants. Well, his proposal is to trade Jaime Lannister for the two girls. She says that Robb would never approve that. That's why Littlefinger brought it to Cat instead. And he brought a token of Tyrion's goodwill, to demonstrate that it's offered in good faith. Two people bring in a chest. She opens it. And inside is Ned's body. Littlefinger says Ned should rest with his family in the crypts below Winterfell. Cat tells him to get out again, but this time she just seems overwhelmed with emotion. Hey, who doesn't want a box full of her dead husband? I bet that thing smells great! And I bet it's a delightful sight to open it up and see his severed head (with a big hole on top for the pike it was mounted on), resting on the rest of his moldering body. It's gross, is what I'm saying.
Back at Harrenhal, Arya's asleep in chains, but knights are shouting and pounding on things to wake everyone up. The one who picks each day's winner shows up. Oh, it's the Mountain, brother of the Hound! Everyone averts their gaze, but Hot Pie boldly looks him in the eye. He explains to Arya that this guy he just met always looks him in the eye and never gets picked. So when the Mountain shows up, Hot Pie stares at him. The Mountain looks over the crowd and grabs the only other person looking at him, who's the genius who recommended this plan to Hot Pie. Hot Pie looks down to see himself wetting his pants. Oh, Hot Pie. Will you ever learn? Or will you get killed, preferably soon? I have nothing against the character; I just think the name "Hot Pie" is silly.
Anyway, the guy who got picked gets strapped into a chair. An interestingly casual man asks him questions like, "Where's the Brotherhood?" I like that we don't know who or what the Brotherhood is. It just sounds like the sort of thing that interrogators ask about, right? The interrogator's helper puts a rat in a bucket and straps it onto the victim's torso. I realize he was "the guy who got picked" earlier in the paragraph, but I think once there are rats and buckets involved, it's fair to say that you're a victim. The question is, "Which of the villages aided them?" He doesn't know. The helper holds a torch under the bucket, which will agitate the rat, which will then eat its way out through the victim's belly. I know all this because I've read 1984, where the exact same thing happened. Well, it was Winston's face and not his belly, but still. I've seen this gimmick before. The victim eventually cracks, saying that the Brotherhood was helped by Gaines the butcher and his son. This does not stop the rat thing from happening, which is probably pretty disappointing. Arya watches from the prisoner pen, which is only about fifteen feet away.
That night, Arya continues to list the names of her enemies. One of the prisoners asks for food and gets punched in the face. Arya adds Polliver (the guy who stole Needle) and the Mountain to her list.
Enough of that! Whoosh! Armies are riding around on horses! And there are banners with stags on them, which means these are Baratheons. Technically, that could mean they were loyal to Joffrey, but no one thinks of him as a Baratheon at this point. The two real Baratheon armies in play belong to Stannis and Renly. And both of those armies are here, which means we're getting a scene where Stannis and Renly actually talk to each other instead of plotting separately. This show has a tendency to keep people in silos, so the people in the Daenerys subplot exist in their own world and the people north of the Wall exist in theirs, you know? So a little crossing over is fun. Stannis has a new banner, which has a stag in a heart that's on fire. Renly makes fun of it a little, but he also admits that when their armies fight, it'll be less confusing than if they both had the same banner. Melisandre is there at Stannis's side and she patiently explains that it's the fiery heart of the Lord of Light. Renly notices that Melisandre is a stone cold hottie and declares that he's figured out why Stannic got religion after a life of being charmless and rigid. Catelyn is also there at Renly's side and she tells them that if they were her sons, she'd knock their heads together and lock them in a room until they remembered they're supposed to be brothers. Stannis objects to Catelyn being on Renly's side, because the whole reason Ned Stark got executed was that he said Stannis should be king. Renly suggests that they share a common enemy, but Stannis declares, "The Iron Throne is mine by right. All who deny it are my foes." Renly says absolutely everyone denies it, including babies yet to be born. "No one wants you for their king," he says, raising the question of whether anyone wants any of these jokers to be king. I mean, of Joffrey, Stannis, Renly, Daenerys and Balon, do any of these sound like someone you want to be ruling you? Oh and Mance Rayder, I guess. Stannis gives Renly one night to reconsider, strike his banners and come to him before dawn. If he does, he gets to be on Stannis's council and even be his heir until a son shows up. "Otherwise I shall destroy you." Renly points to the horizon, where there he has a lot of banners. Stannis asks, "You think those bolts of cloth will make you king?" No, but the men holding them will. Apparently Stannis doesn't understand synecdoche. Or possibly metonymy. I get them confused. Melisandre again mentions, "The night is dark and full of terrors."
Hey, it's the walls of Qarth! From the outside, it's pretty much just a giant wall, surrounded by a giant desert. There are some soldiers outside and they're kind of Ancient-Greecey. They come out to meet Daenerys, who doesn't really think of her handful of riders as a Dothraki horde.
She starts to introduce herself with "My name is Daenerys," but she's interrupted by a fat, bald guy who finishes it for her: "Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen." He claims to be a humble merchant. Also, he's heard of her, but we knew that from the part where he knew her name and family. His own name, he assures her, is too long and difficult for her to pronounce. He is simply a trader of spices. He's a fat, bald guy who claims to be a humble dealer in spices? Fine. I'll call him Kingpin. He and his twelve buddies over there are the Thirteen, charged with protecting Qarth, which is the greatest city ever. His specific claim is that it's "the greatest city that ever was or ever will be," which is quite a claim. Dany asks about the city and she pronounces it "Quarth." That bugs me, because it's a mispronunciation based on a spelling she's never seen. She's only heard it pronounced it "Karth," so how did she get to "Quarth"? The Kingpin would like to see her dragons. She's taken aback and doesn't want to show them off, possibly because they're very, very expensive. She would like to get inside and get some food and water before breaking out the CGI. Kingpin makes it clear that he personally doesn't think she was lying about having dragons, but other people are skeptical. You know how other people can be: Jerks, most of them. Daenerys gets her back up and announces, "Where I come from, guests are treated with respect, not insulted at the gates." Kingpin smiles the smile of someone who knows he's about to get off a great line and answers, "Then perhaps you should return to where you come from. We wish you well."
Daenerys says they promised to receive her. He feels that they've received her just fine. They just did so outside the gates. Then he gets down to what might be the actual issue: "Qarth did not become the greatest city that ever was or will be by letting Dothraki savages through its gates!" Technically, Dany isn't Dothraki, but I don't know the word for "a savage from Westeros." The Thirteen are going back inside their city. Dany tells them that when her dragons have grown, they'll lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground. And if they turn her away, Qarth is first on the list. Kingpin isn't impressed. I am, though! Another of the Thirteen, whose name sounds like "Zaro-Zaron Duck-sauce" but is really "Xaro Xhoan Daxos," doesn't want to retreat. Kingpin is outraged. Daxos explains, "She is the mother of dragons. Do you expect her to see her children starve without breathing fire?" Kingpin says the decision is final. Daxos invokes Sumai, which is a vaguely defined Qarthian rule. He vouches for her, her people and the dragons. He cuts his hand and shows off his palm. Kingpin is unhappy: "Be it on your head!" But they get to go in. The gates are thrown open and it does look pretty nice in there.
Harrenhal. A head gets pounded onto a spike. I believe it's the guy who got the rat-bucket strapped to him earlier. But things move on and it's time for a new contestant. A soldier pulls out Gendry, because it's about time this happened to someone we care about. Once he's strapped into the chair, he says he's not from the village and doesn't know what the Brotherhood is. That doesn't stop the interrogator's assistant from loading rats into a bucket.
Just then! Horses ride into Harrenhal, led by Tywin Lannister! He's in charge here, because he's in charge everywhere he goes. But clearly no one was expecting him quite so soon. In fact, someone says pretty much that exact thing. He thinks the prisoners should be cells, rather than just penned up in the middle of the courtyard like that. The explanation is that the cells are full and also the way they're going through prisoners, they don't actually last long enough to require cells. This is not acceptable to Tywin, who asks, "Are we so well-manned that we can afford to discard able bodies and skilled laborers?" There's no answer.
Tywin asks Gendry (still in the torture chair) if he has a trade. As we know, he's a trained smith. Tywin gives the interrogator a sideways glare. This whole time, Arya is eyeing Polliver, who's wearing Needle in his belt and is surprisingly close to the prisoner pen. But then she gets noticed and is shoved away. Tywin's attention is attracted to the situation and he immediately recognizes that Arya is a girl and not a boy. He asks her why she's dressed like that and she instantly answers that it makes it safer to travel. That's a great answer. It's quick and plausible. I feel like it would be fun to see how Hot Pie reacted to this news, though. Tywin thinks it makes sense. He tells everyone to get the prisoners to work. And to "bring the girl" because he needs a new cupbearer.
Back to King's Landing! Tyrion opens the door of his chambers to discover Lancel Lannister. Lancel has a very important message from Cersei and he delivers it with all the pomp a weedy kid with great hair can muster: "Her grace the queen regent commands you to release Grand Maester Pycelle." He gives Tyrion a piece of paper with that written on it. He'd like to leave, but Tyrion wants to have some mulled wine with the kid. Tyrion muses on why Cersei didn't come herself. What should he make of that? Tyrion doesn't care what Tyrion makes of it. He doesn't want to get involved in any of that. He wants Tyrion to just release the prisoner. Tyrion wants to dig deeper: "And you've received these instructions directly from Cersei?" Yes, and he brought them straight here. He swears he doesn't delay when given an order from the queen. Tyrion continues to connect the dots: "Cersei must have great trust in you, allowing you into her chamber. During the hour of the wolf." Oop! I don't know what the hour of the wolf is (except in the context of a relatively obscure Firesign Theatre reference), but the implication is clear. The implication is that Lancel has been sleeping with Cersei. That totally happened. Now that Tyrion's got his hooks into Lancel, he twists the knife. That metaphor is not entirely right. Anyway, he notes that Lancel smells like lavender oil, which is what Cersei likes. Lancel gets flustered and protests that he's a knight. Like that's going to stop Tyrion, who was last seen talking smack to the actual king. Speaking of Joffrey, Tyrion asks if Lancel has considered what will happen with the crazy sadistic king discovers someone sexing up his mother. Oop! Now Lancel is in a panic. His only excuse is that Tywin told him to obey Cersei. Tyrion asks if the instructions explicitly included fucking. Lancel offers to leave the city at once, but that's too easy. He works for Tyrion now. Tyrion tells him, "Pleasure her whenever she requires. No one ever need know, as long as you keep faith with me." He wants to know everything. Where she goes, etc. Lancel can't object, so he's sent back with Tyrion's lavish apologies. Pycelle will be freed in the morning, but he can't be on the council.
Stannis is on a boat with Melisandre and Davos. We learn that Davos keeps his fingerbones in the bag around his neck and that Stannis thinks that's weird. He's right! Davos compliments him on the accuracy with which he chopped them off. Stannis thinks that good acts don't wash out the bad, nor bad acts the good. They move on from that topic to Davos's son, who doesn't listen to him. But he'd do anything for Melisandre. Stannis asks if Davos remembers his smugglers' tricks. He does, although he promises he's been on the up-and-up for years. Stannis says, "Cleaner ways don't win wars."
A cove at night. A row boat. In the boat, Davos. Rowing. Also, Melisandre. I regret those short sentences and I apologize for them. Melisandre asks him, "Are you afraid, Onion Knight?" He reminds her that the night is dark and full of terrors. She seems to enjoy having her own catchphrase repeated to her. She asks if he's a good man. He claims his parts are mixed. She says a man is good or he is evil, which doesn't really match this show's ethos. She, of course, says she's good. A champion of light, you know.
They go ashore. She says Davos loves his wife, but has lain with other women. He would prefer that she not talk about his wife, but she really isn't. She smiles at him. "You want me. You want to see what's beneath this robe. And you will." They go through a tunnel, which ends in bars. He asks why the Lord of Light is so into shadows. She explains that shadows are servants of light, the children of fire. The bars keep them from going any farther. Or do they? Possibly not, given that Melisandre says, "They can't bar our passage."
She removes her robe. She's pregnant. That's weird. I'm pretty sure she wasn't pregnant in that scene where Stannis had sex with her on the war table. Davos gasps, "Gods protect us." She answers, "There's only one god, Ser Davos.
Melisandre, now naked, sits down on the ground and points her crotch at the bars. This is weird, man. Really weird. She acts like she's giving birth. Her stomach undulates weirdly. I guess she actually is giving birth. Smoke comes out. Of her crotch. It kind of has hands, because it grabs onto her legs to pull itself out of her. It flows down the ground toward the bars. It coalesces into legs and then whooshes off. Creepy smoke-shadow monsters are so cute at that age.
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
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