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Remember that time Jon Snow got whopped over the head? Well, it didn't lead to permanent brain damage or anything. Really, the Night's Watch just have to pack up and leave Craster's Multigenerational Harem. Along the way, Snow learns that Lord Commander Mormont already knew that Craster gives his baby boys to weird semi-human forest dwellers. And Samwell gives a thimble to Gilly.
In more interesting news, Tyrion is getting into the swing of things at King's Landing. Take a moment to enjoy that internal rhyme scheme. And speaking of schemes, let's get back to Tyrion. He's decided to find out who's feeding information to Cersei, so he tells a different story to Pycelle, Varys, and Littlefinger. Pycelle is the spy, and even though he insists that he's technically working for House Lannister, Tyrion sends him off to the black cells. Then Varys gets Shae (Tyrion's secret courtesan) a job working as Sansa's handmaiden.
In Winterfell, Bran insists that he has magic dreams where he can see through the eyes of the direwolves. This comes as no surprise, since we've seen him do it several times. Catelyn Stark finally meets up with Renly Baratheon, who's got a new member of his Kingsguard: a giant lady named Brienne. He's also got a new wife who's really very understanding about the fact that Renly would prefer to be having sex with her brother. And Theon Greyjoy decides he'd rather impress his father than Robb Stark, so he signs on to with the Drowned God. And then he doesn't warn Robb that the Greyjoys are about to attack the North from the sea.
The winner for Shocking Death of the Episode, though, goes to Yoren, who completely fails to protect the Night's Watch recruits from the Goldcloaks looking for Gendry. Everyone gets captured except for Blondie, who gets killed by the guy who steals Needle from Arya. But his sacrifice is not in vain, because Arya smartly tells the soldiers that he was Gendry all along, so maybe there's no need for any further killing?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!The credits start off in King's Landing. Then they swoop off northeast to Dragonstone, then west across the continent to Pyke, then north to Winterfell, then farther north to the Wall, back south to King's Landing, then east to Vaes Dothrak. I can't imagine that including those directions has helped you at all. It's not like you're drawing a map based on my description of the credits. (NOTE: Please do this!)
We actually start north of the Wall, where we're dealing with the fallout from Jon Snow getting whopped over the head at the end the last episode. Craster is not happy that Snow has spoiled the peace and harmony of his multigenerational incestuous harem. That's the kind of delicate operation that doesn't stand up to close scrutiny. So Craster busts into the room where the Night's Watch is trying to get some sleep and tells them all to get out. He punctuates his demands with some boots to the head of Jon Snow. Lord Commander Mormont tells Snow to wait outside. He won't allow Snow to speak.
Outside, Snow is huddled up with Samwell. For about ten seconds, anyway, because Mormont roars up and tells Samwell to shove off. Sorry, Samwell! Maybe you'll have a scene later on. (Spoilers: he will! It's not much of one, though.) Snow breathlessly tells Mormont that he's learned Craster is killing all the boys that are birthed by his harem. Which is what everyone assumed as soon as they heard that he was marrying his daughters and granddaughters and great-granddaughters with no other males on the premises. Mormont doesn't look surprised and it slowly dawns on Snow that he knew all along. Because this isn't his first time here. Mormont patiently explains, "Wildlings serve crueler gods than you or I." Snow insists that he's a monster who kills his own sons. Mormont says he's a monster who's helped the Night's Watch in the past. He's even helped Snow's mysteriously-vanished uncle Benjen. Mormont says they need men like Craster, which makes sense to me. They can't have a lot of allies north of the Wall and the people out there are presumably all crazy in one way or another. Snow tries to change the subject to the weird thing he saw take the child and Mormont says he'll probably see it again. Anyway, they leave at dawn. Mormont hands him back his sword and tells him not to lose it again.
Samwell prepares horses. He sneaks up to Gilly, who already knows they're leaving. She thinks he shouldn't be talking to her, which is obviously true. I'm surprised Craster didn't lock up all his womenfolk. Sam wants to give her something that belonged to his mother: a wooden thimble. Romantic, right? Well, it kind of is, since it's the only thing he has of hers. He used to read to her while she sewed. And that's the sort of thing that resulted in his father threatening to kill him if he didn't join the Night's Watch. Gilly tells him he shouldn't give it away. He answers, "I'm not giving it away. I'm giving it to you. Keep it safe for me. 'Til I come back." She takes it, furtively. I guess that wasn't such a bad scene if you like Samwell.
Enough of them. To Winterfell! Hodor is sent up to Bran's room for his lessons. We see a POV shot going through the castle and at first it seems like its Hodor. But it isn't! I can tell because the shot gets up on the bed and stares at the sleeping Bran. Then Bran wakes up to stare into the wolf's eyes. This gives him the courage to tell Maester Luwin that he dreams of being a wolf. Maester Luwin (the old guy who's advising Bran while he's in charge of Winterfell and also the boy's teacher) is skeptical. Bran insists that he experiences everything the wolves do while he's dreaming. He says that Old Nan had some stories about this sort of thing happening, but Luwin says those are just stories. To hear him tell it, magic is gone from the world. They're just dreams. Bran says his dreams are true. As evidence, he dreamed of his father dying right before it happened. And Rickon had the same dream. Even if you're paying a lot of attention, you may have forgotten that Rickon is the youngest Stark child, who's barely been seen this whole time. Luwin asks about the dreams that didn't come true. Then he rummages through the chains that Maesters wear until he comes up with a link of Valyrian steel. He got it for studying spells. And even though he studied, he failed at magic. "Maybe Magic once was a mighty force in the world. But not anymore. The dragons are gone. The giants are dead. And the children of the forest forgotten." So his evidence is basically that he couldn't do magic, so it doesn't exist.
Enough of Bran. That scene was just there to remind us he exists. It's time for some action! And the second most popular kind of action on this show is two people in armor, walloping each other with some kind of medieval weaponry. The most popular kind is sex, but we'll have that later on. Um. I mean we'll see it. On the show. Not that you and I will be having sex. Well, we might. I mean, it depends on who reads this. And when. Look, my point is that there's a big circle of people watching two people in armor walloping each other. Catelyn Stark is in the crowd, watching. So that means this is Renly Baratheon's army. Sure enough, there's Renly on a throne, accompanied by a woman I do not recognize. She's cheering for Highgarden. One of the people in armor falls on his back and quickly yields when the other pulls a knife. The loser is Ser Loras, the Knight of the Flowers. You might remember him from that sex scene with Renly. With the hilarious sound effects? The winner kneels to Renly and removes his helm I mean -- HER helm. It's a woman! Specifically, she's Brienne of Tarth. Renly offers her anything she wants as a prize and she asks for a place in his Kingsguard. Done! So now she's Brienne of the Kingsguard.
I would now like to take a moment to talk about this scene. Loras has already been established as a mighty warrior. In the first season, he defeated The Mountain, a guy so big and mean he decapitated a horse with one stroke. And he apparently beat Jaime Lannister once. So that means Brienne is set up as really strong. Which is great. But I'm a little uncomfortable with the way the gay knight gets beat up by the woman, which has to be seen as at least a little emasculating. Couldn't Brienne triumph over one of the more butch types? I don't know, maybe it's not a problem. It happened this way in the books, but Loras wasn't overtly shown to be gay there, so it felt different. I just feel bad for him because I don't know if people are going to remember that he's actually quite formidable.
Oh well. Moving on. Catelyn is introduced to Renly as an envoy from Robb. Renly introduces his wife, Margaery of House Tyrell. It's pronounced "Marjorie." But this is a fantasy story, so all the names have to be spelled as weirdly as possible. Catelyn and Renly are polite to each other, especially considering that they aren't exactly allies. Catelyn's here to try to convince Renly to let Robb Stark be "King in the North," at which point they can be allies. Renly's army doesn't appear to have done much actual fighting, but everyone says he's got a hundred thousand soldiers, so he's got the biggest force. Renly promises to make the Lannisters pay for Ned's death. Everyone cheers, but Ser Loras seems uneasy. Catelyn calls Robb "My Lord" instead of "Your Grace," and Brienne yells at her. Also, she'd like Catelyn to be kneeling, since Renly is supposed to be king and all. Catelyn says that her son is fighting a war, "not playing at one." Renly says their war is just beginning. I don't know; it looks to me like he's just having random tournaments. Shouldn't he be out killing Lannisters? Or Starks? Or Baratheons, by which I mean the ones that follow his brother Stannis? My point is that I agree with Catelyn. If Renly's not planning on doing anything with his army, he's no fun at all.
Renly and Catelyn stroll through his very impressive camp, trailed by Brienne. Along the way, we see that Renly takes an interest in his subjects by the way he asks about one guy's foot troubles. Catelyn thinks this is a game to him and tells him that she pities his army: "They are the knights of summer and winter is coming." That's the slogan of the Starks, which is kind of interesting in that Catelyn's here on this mission because she was born a Tully. Renly takes some offense at this (logically, since it was a straight-up insult) and tells Brienne to escort Catelyn to her tent. He does not want Catelyn to come attend him later, because he has to pray. Alone. I feel like "pray" should have sarcasm quotes around it.
On their way to Catelyn's tent, she and Brienne chat. The only reason for this discussion is so that Brienne can say she's "no lady" and so we can see how giant she is to Catelyn. She's pretty big!
Now to Pyke. Home of the Greyjoys. Theon is wandering around the living room, looking at the awesome stone kraken over the fireplace. He notices Yara watching him and gets mad that she's there. Which is weird, as she points out, since she lives there. He calls her a lying bitch. Not for saying she lived there; for not saying she was his sister before he started rubbing his hands all over her on the ride to the castle. She says it's his fault for now recognizing her, but he claims she looked like a fat little boy the last time he saw her. She says that's what he looked like too, but she recognized him. Well, sure. He was swaggering around the dock announcing that he was Theon Greyjoy, heir to Pyke. And he'd probably sent a message saying he was coming. Anyway, she didn't tell him who she was because she wanted to see what kind of man he was. And she did!
Their father Balon enters and delivers a speech heavy with metaphor: "The wolf pup has gone south with the entirety of the northern army at his back. While he's tangling with the lion in the Westerlands, the North is ripe for the taking. The Ironborn will reave and pillage as it was in the old days all along the northern coast. We'll spread out dominion across the green lands securing the neck and everything above. Every stronghold will fall to us one by one."
Okay, I shall now explicate this speech. The "wolf pup" is Robb Stark. He's a wolf because that's the symbol of the Starks and he's a pup because he's young and Balon doesn't respect him. He's gone south with his army to face the Lannister army, which is led by Tywin Lannister. The Lannisters are the lions, and Tywin, as head Lannister (and someone worthy of Balon's respect) is "the lion." With Robb's entire army fighting the Lannisters, the North is undefended. The Greyjoys are the Ironborn and they'll swoop in there and do some reaving and pillaging. The "neck" is just part of the continent.
Balon's goal is to take Winterfell. I like his odds, because I'm not sure Bran, as a crippled little boy, is going to mount a great defense. I guess he could enter a magic dream or something, but it's not clear if he can control the wolves while he's doing that. Plus, I think Winterfell only has the two wolves (his and Rickon's), which is probably not enough to stand off an army. Yara thinks this is a great plan. And why not? She's going to be in charge of thirty longships, which has already been established as a large fleet. In fact, it's the same size as the pirate Salladhor is giving to Stannis Baratheon. So naturally, Theon wants to know how many ships he's going to get to command. He gets one ship, with which he is supposed to raid fishing villages. Yara smirks at him for this. I realize this is mostly because Theon is on the outs with his family, but it also works as a sister-brother thing. And Theon's ship's name is "The Sea Bitch."
Changing tacks (sailing term!), Theon tries to convince his father that his whole battle plan is misguided. He thinks Robb's men won't be so easy to defeat. But it seems to me that the key element of the plan is that Robb's men aren't currently defending the North, so it's ripe for the picking. If everything goes smoothly, they won't have to face Robb's main army until they've already occupied Winterfell. Theon's proposal is that Balon swear fealty to Robb, back up his claim to be King in the North and then Robb will give him the Iron Islands. Balon sneers at Theon and tells him that his brothers were warriors. Those would be the brothers that Ned Stark killed. I think it's worth mentioning that, since it seems to have grated on Balon's nerves. He seems like he holds a grudge, right? For example, he takes this opportunity to remind Theon that the family words are "We do not sow."
Aside: I hate that each of these families has its "words." I would prefer "slogan" or "motto." Even "mantra." But for some reason, it's just "words." As in "House Stark's words are 'Winter is coming.'" It's a weirdly flat phrasing. Like when Tyrion told Snow the Night's Watch was full of "rapers" instead of "rapists."
Anyway. The Greyjoys don't sow. Balon explains to Theon that it means they're not subjects or slaves. They don't plow or mine. They take. This ties into Balon's disdain for Theon buying his jewelry with money. I guess the idea is that the whole family refuses to work and insists on stealing everything they own. Balon tells Theon, "Your time with the wolves has made me weak." Theon points out that it wasn't his idea to be raised by Ned Stark. In fact, Balon gave him away and bent the knee to Robert Baratheon, which kind of conflicts with all this stuff about how the Greyjoys don't bow to anyone. Balon backhands him across the room. Theon wails about how he was given away like a dog and then gets cursed for coming home. Balon leaves. Yara mocks Theon for wanting his father to bow to his "other family." Theon insists that he has no other family. No, this is the family he has love for, the one where the father backhands him and he doesn't recognize his sister.
Now, off to King's Landing, where Tyrion and Shae are in the Hand's rooms. She complains that she's not allowed to leave on account of being a prostitute that Tyrion's father expressly disallowed him to bring to the city. Tyrion is reading something and would like Shae to keep her voice down. She shouts that Tywin Lannister is three hundred miles away. Tyrion offers to get her a job in the kitchens. But not as a cook -- as a fake scullion. A scullion, it turns out, is a kitchen wench who scrubs pots. She does not want to do this. Because it's beneath her dignity as a professional escort. Tyrion just wants to keep her alive and feels it's essential that Cersei never know about her. If Cersei knows Tyrion has a weakness, she will ruthlessly exploit it. Shae takes some offense at being called a weakness. And at being called a kitchen wench.
Cersei and her non-Joffrey children eat food together. Quietly. The party consists of Cersei, (Queen Regent and all-around evil person), Myrcella (Cersei's daughter), Tommen (Cersei's younger son), and Sansa Stark (currently a hostage, but also King Joffrey's fiancée). Everyone but Sansa is officially a Baratheon, since Cersei was married to Robert Baratheon when the kids were born. But everyone knows they're pure Lannister.
Myrcella wants to know when Joffrey and Sansa will be married. Sansa eats quietly, so Cersei explains that it will happen after the war against Sansa's traitorous brother and mother. Myrcella accepts this and moves on to the important topic of what gowns everyone will wear. Sansa doesn't participate in this discussion, which is a shame. Talking about what gown she wants to wear when she marries the king used to be her favorite hobby. Cersei prods her to say something and she quickly claims that she's counting the days until she can pledge her love to the king. She's clearly been taught to recite that speech when asked. The question involves whether Joffrey intends to kill Sansa's brother. Maybe he will! Cersei's kids are remarkably cold-blooded about this discussion. Cersei says that even if Joffrey kills Robb, Sansa will still do her duty: "Won't you, little dove?" Sansa looks thoughtful.
In her chambers (which are actually pretty nice), Sansa looks into a clouded mirror. I don't know if that's supposed to by symbolic. It seems like it should be, but I can't imagine what. It could be just that we're supposed to notice that they don't have nice mirrors like us. Her new handmaiden comes in and it's Shae! You remember, Tyrion's hired companion? We talked about her earlier in this recap? Right. She has no idea what a handmaiden does, which Sansa discovers almost immediately. Shae just stands there awkwardly and asks what Sansa wants her to do. Sansa is taken aback and lists a bunch of duties that handmaidens usually attend to. But Shae can't just go around emptying the chamber pot, since it's already empty. Sansa asks about Shae's handmaidening experience and immediately identifies the alleged "Lady Zuriff" as a fake. Shae asks if Sansa wants her to leave and Sansa decides she'd like her hair brushed. Even if you're a hostage, there's no point in throwing away a perfectly good handmaiden.
Tyrion visits Grand Maester Pycelle. I love that he's called "Grand Maester" because it reminds me of the days when rappers had cool titles like "Grand Master Melle Mel." There needs to be a nerdcore rapper whose name starts with "Grand Maester." Pycelle is King's Landing's local wise man, which you can tell from his big white beard and that chain that all the Maesters have. You can also tell it from the mysterious potion he's giving to Tyrion, which will hopefully fix the problem Tyrion's got where he says he hasn't been able to "take a proper shit in days." Now I'm worried that maybe I haven't either. I mean, how do I know if it's been proper enough? Pycelle is also on the Small Council, which means that Tyrion has a secret plan to tell him about. He says that the crown must seal new alliances, which means that he's going to trust him with secret plans that the queen must not know. The plan is to marry Myrcella off to House Martell of Dorne. And Tyrion insists that it's absolutely vital that the queen not know.
, Tyrion has basically the same conversation with Varys. Well, without the laxative potion. But this time, Myreclla's being married off to Theon Greyjoy. Varys asks why Theon, since he's basically a Stark. Tyrion explains that with Theon allied with Myrcella, Balon will jump at the chance to attack the North.
Naturally, we now have the same scene but with Petyr Littlefinger. This time, Tyrion claims that he wants to marry Myrcella to Robyn Arryn of the Vale. That strikes Littlefinger as odd, since it wasn't so long ago that Robyn was shrieking at his mother to drop Tyrion through that hole at the bottom of his throne room. Tyrion claims that this plan will get Robyn's mother Lysa to forgive him. That seems unlikely, since the thing she's supposed to be forgiving him for is "killing her husband." I mean, I personally don't think Tyrion did that, but Lysa does and she's crazy. Littlefinger asks if he is to broker the agreement. Tyrion answers, "Who better?" Littlefinger is supposedly obsessed with money, so naturally, he asks, "What's in it for me?" Tyrion offers a couple of options. The gratitude of the people of Westeros? The adoration of the King? Neither of these seems to move Littlefinger. Well, how about giving him this place called Harrenhal? He says it's cursed. What if Tyrion made him Lord of the Riverlands? Littlefinger is a little suspicious, since he says this would make him one of the greatest lords in the realm. And the last man to get Harrenal was Janos Slynt, who was last seen being hustled out to the Night's Watch in the middle of the night. But Littlefinger's okay with opening negotiation. Tyrion reminds him, "The Queen mustn't know."
So clearly, Tyrion has a devious plan. But it's pretty obvious how it works when you get to see all the steps, so I'm not going to explain it. If you haven't figured it out on your own, we'll pick this up later in the episode.
Back to Renly Baratheon's camp! Specifically, inside Renly's tent. Renly and Loras make out with much kissing and shirtlessness. This is to remind you that they're gay, because you probably forgot about that scene in the first season. With the sound effects. Loras is bruised on the chest because of that fight earlier and objects to Loras kissing him there. Now he's all sulky. He's annoyed by Brienne becoming a member of the Kingsguard, which he thinks was a slap in the face. See? Loras agrees with me about it being a little emasculating to have him be the one who lost to Brienne. Renly says he's jealous. "Of Brienne the Beauty? Don't make me laugh." Now that he's in a bad mood, Loras stops Renly from undoing his pants. He tells Renly he needs to attend to "another Tyrell." Renly married Loras's sister two weeks ago and she's still officially a virgin. People are starting to talk. He needs to get that done.
Renly drinks from a goblet. His bride Margaery enters. He warns her that he's had quite a bit of wine, so he's established his reason for the weird way he's about to start acting. It's stilted and awkward. He compliments her gown, which seems a trifle stereotypical. But really he just wants to talk about anything other than the topic at hand. She reveals her breasts, which are perfectly relevant in this scene. I know that it's fun to complain about the gratuitous sex scenes in this show. I've done it myself and I'll do it again. Because it's fun! But this scene is about the sex itself and the breasts are important to the characters. What's actually important is that Renly is actively uninterested in the breasts. Or possibly disinterested. Whichever. He keeps talking while she kisses him. She grabs his dick and he blames the wine for his complete lack of response. So she gets to work. That's a euphemism. He closes his eyes and concentrates. Then he apologizes. She asks, "Do you want my brother to come in and help?" He is speechless. She offers to have Loras come in and get Renly started. "He wouldn't mind. Or I can turn over and you can pretend I'm him." She's great! This has to be one of the most understanding sham marriages ever. She tells him to save his lies for court because the best way to stop their enemies from tearing them apart is to put his baby in her belly. "With me. With me and Loras. However else you like. Whatever you need to do. You are a king." He's lucky! He looks super-uncomfortable about this whole thing, but he seems to have landed a wife who not only doesn't object to his sexual orientation, she doesn't mind having a threeway with her own brother. Although I guess incest isn't much of a dealbreaker in this world. Anyway, my point is that Margaery is awesome.
Back to King's Landing and the explanation for Tyrion's Obvious Plan. Cersei is yelling at Tyrion for planning to marry off her daughter without telling her. Eventually she gets into specifics and it turns out she heard the story about Dorne. So her spy is Pycelle, then! She also has specific objections to the plan, because the Martells loathe them. Myrcella will be a hostage, which Tyrion prefers to rephrase as "guest." The difference, I think, is that Sansa is a "guest." When he was being raised by the Starks, Theon was a "guest." Jaime Lannister is an actual hostage. Cersei is not actually interested in the semantics of hostages. She'd much rather threaten Tyrion. She says he won't be safe just because he has a piece of paper saying he's the Hand. Ned Stark had one of those and look what it got him. Tyrion tells her it's already done. And also, there's going to be at least one army attacking King's Landing pretty soon, so even if there isn't a peasant uprising, getting Myrcella out of the city is the best thing for her. Tyrion gets explicit: "Do you want to see her raped, butchered like the Targaryen children?" She pushes him and he leaves.
In a dark room lit only by a candle, Theon looks over a letter. And I have a pause button on my TiVo, so here's what it says:
Robb,
I hope this reaches you in time. My father has rejected the offer and plans to attack the North, raiding the shores and taking Deepwood Motte. Mobilize your army and make for the North before it's too late. I'll write again when I can.
Theon
Theon thinks. Then he burns it. In a neat shot! Anyway, Theon has decided not to warn Robb about the incoming attack. Well, I'm sure he'll find out eventually.
Out in the water, Theon is asked if he would consecrate his faith to the Drowned God. He would! He kneels. The litany continues: "Bless him with salt. Bless him with stone. Bless him with steel." That means he gets water poured on his head. It's all very symbolic. Now Theon has to repeat some phrases, including "What is dead may never die" and "But rises again harder and stronger." Theon stands. So he's definitely on Team Greyjoy, then.
Now it's time for the fallout from Tyrion's plan. Littlefinger is yelling at him. He appears vexed that he was made the fool. He's heard about the Martell plan and now feels that he was lied to. And that means he doesn't get Harrenhal. I wonder how the staff at Harrenhal feel about the rotating masters they've got going on. Littlefinger tells Tyrion to leave him out of his deception. But Tyrion's already got one lined up and Littlefinger's got a starring role in some wacky plan to get Jaime Lannister released. Then Bronn comes in to announce that they've located the "filthy old stoat" that is Pycelle.
So... are they going ahead with the plan to send Myrcella off to the Martells? That's interesting, because it implies that Tyrion would have been okay with any of his three plans happening. Whichever one got leaked to Cersei was the one he was going to stick with.
Okay. Pycelle is in bed with a naked lady. Tyrion barges in and explains that Cersei somehow found out. Pycelle blames Varys, who has ears everywhere. Tyrion doesn't explain the part about how each person had a different thing they could have told Cersei about. Although I guess Varys could have found out about a plan he wasn't actually told about, then decided to leak Pycelle's to trap him. Pycelle tells his goons to cut off Pycelle's manhood and feed it to the goats. Oh! It's... that one guy! The barbarian from the hills! Shagga! It's Shagga! Shagga complains that there are no goats, so Tyrion tells him to make do. I don't think he cares what specific animal eats Pycelle's manhood.
Pycelle protests that he's not a spy for Cersei. Technically, he serves all of House Lannister. He's always been Tywin's man since the days of the Mad King. This does not mollify Tyrion, so he has Bronn cut off Pycelle's beard. As a side note, Pycelle denies poisoning Arryn. But he didn't save him either. Pycelle's basic defense is, "I always served Lannister." Tyrion tells Shagga and Bronn, "Throw him in one of the black cells." They drag him out. Tyrion gives the naked lady (did you forget about the naked lady?) a coin. "For your trouble." Then another one, with a nod.
Tyrion sits with Varys. We learn that Varys put Shae in Sansa's service. He asks Tyrion if, with Janos and Pycelle gone, should he be worried? Tyrion says small councils served Hands poorly. He's kind of cleaning house around here, isn't he? Varys has an elaborate riddle about a sellsword and three great men. You know, "There's a rich man, a holy man, a professional jazz guitarist, and a sellsword in a room. Each of the other three wants the sellsword to kill the other two. Who's got the power?" Tyrion says it's the sellsword: "He has a sword, the power of life and death." Varys questions where power really lies, because in the real world, all the power lies with royalty or jazz guitarists. Varys asks who was truly responsible for Ned dying. Joffrey? The executioner? Varys thinks power is a shadow. He works that around to a compliment: "A very small man can cast a very large shadow."
The scene now shifts to the Night's Watch recruits. Arya is sharpening her sword, because I was right about sword-sharpening being the standard thing people do to start scenes on this show. Yoren comes in and tells her she should be sleeping, because they're marching 30 miles tomorrow. She declines the gross wine he offers her. He admits, "You don't drink it for the flavor, to be honest." She asks how he sleeps, what with the horrible things he's seen. He says he's seen some pretty things, too. He says he kept Arya from seeing the execution, so she shouldn't be picturing it. But when she closes her eyes, she sees them all standing up there. Joffrey. The queen. "And my sister." Yoren says he saw his brother stabbed through the heart. By someone named "Willam," which makes me wonder if I'm supposed to be picturing the one from RuPaul's Drag Race. Yoren says the funny part is that he can't picture his brother's face anymore. But he knew Willam had nice teeth, blue eyes and a dimpled chin. He'd say Willam's name every night before he went to bed. One day, Willam came back into town and Yoren buried an ax deep into his head. Then he took Willam's horse and rode to the Wall. "That'll help you sleep, eh?"
Just then! A horn sounds. Something's happening! Yoren shouts at the recruits: "Get up you lazy sons of whores! Arm yourselves!" He tells Gendry and Arya to run north if things go bad. Then he returns to shouting hilarious things at the recruits: "There's men out there who want to fuck your corpses!" Blondie finds Gendry's bull helmet, which was left behind in the panic.
Outside, there are lots of Gold Cloaks. And lots of fighting. People are running back and forth and there are things on fire. The guys in the cage would like to get out. Yoren stomps out to find out what's going on. The leader of the soldiers is Ser Amory Lorch, a bannerman of Tywin Lannister. He tells Yoren, "In the name of King Joffrey, drop your weapons." I like that he had to clarify which king he was there for. Well, he didn't really have to, but Yoren pretended not to know. Yoren spits on the ground and says, "I don't think I will."
Then Yoren gets shot in the belly by a guy holding a crossbow. Oops! But Yoren isn't dead yet, because he's got a few more awesome things to say, including, "I always hated crossbows. Take too long to load!" So he kills the crossbowman (who is, in fact, desperately trying to reload) and a couple more before he gets stuck on a spear. Lorch finishes him off. Sorry, Yoren. You were fun!
Arya and Gendry run past the cage, which is on fire. The cage guys call her "Sweet boy" and say, "A man can fight! Save us!" They make a pretty good argument. She tosses an axe into the cage and gets out of there. That's a good plan. You don't want to stand around hacking open the flaming cage full of probably-rapers while there's an assault going on around you. Just give them the axe and let them figure it out for themselves.
Arya is stopped by a bald gentleman who takes Needle from her. Also, he's no gentleman. Hot Pie is also grabbed, and he yields immediately. And repeatedly. He wants it clearly understood that he does not intend to put up a fight. Lorch announces that the survivors are to be rounded up and brought back to Harrenhal. That place is cursed! And Blondie took an arrow in the knee, so I guess he's no longer an adventurer. He tells the soldiers he can't walk, so he'll have to be carried. Instead, he gets Needle through the throat. The bald guy laughs, "Carry him, he says!" Really. Who thought that would work? Sorry, Blondie.
Lorch announces, "We're looking for a bastard named Gendry. Give him up or we start taking eyeballs." Pause. The recruits glance at each other. Finally, it occurs to Arya to claim that Blondie was Gendry. It helps that the bull helmet is on the grass to his corpse. Good job, Blondie. It required your death, but you were finally useful for something.
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
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