In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Remember last week, when there was a threat that Arya was going to be accidentally hunted down by the people trying to round up all of Robert Baratheon's misbegotten children? Well, it almost happens in this episode! But Yoren stands up for his recruits, so instead of letting the goldcloaks come in and steal Gendry (Robert's bastard), he steals their swords and throws them out. Gendry, meanwhile, has figured out that young Arry is actually a girl, because he's not completely blind.
Up north of the Wall, Samwell feels bad for this one very young wife of Craster's, who's anxious to get away before her baby is born. Snow says not to get involved, but he can't help but follow Craster when the baby boy is set out in the snow to be taken by Sasquatches or something. Then Snow gets whomped over the head by Craster because he forgot to bring his giant direwolf along.
Theon Greyjoy finally has his own plot! He's off to the Iron Islands to ask his father Balon to throw in with Robb. But Balon Greyjoy is sarcastic and contemptuous of his son, who he deems womanly. Instead, he's got a plan to become king without the Starks. And he's put his daughter in charge of his armies!
Out in King's Landing, Tyrion is not making a lot of friends with the way he's acting as Hand. One person who's definitely not thrilled about him is Janos Slynt, who's currently the leader of the city watch. That makes him the person responsible for all the bastard-killing, and also the person responsible for taking down Ned Stark, the last hand of the King. So Tyrion sends Janos off to the Night's Watch, irritating Cersei.
And out east, one of Daenerys' riders has come back. Well, his head did. Along with the horse. The rest of him is presumably dead somewhere. Daenerys vows revenge, which will give her something to do. That'll be nice for her.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!In a move that's kind of unusual in 2012, this show starts with credits! Right at the beginning! This time out, we go to King's Landing, Dragonstone, Pyke (a new place!), Winterfell, the Wall and Vaes Dothrak. I'm starting to question the presence of Vaes Dothrak in the opening credits, because Daenerys and her crew aren't even in Vaes Dothrak. They're out in the Red Waste somewhere. I guess Vaes Dothrak is the nearest large city, but they've been explicitly shown to be nowhere near it. Actually, the Night's Watch scenes aren't set at the Wall, either. They're either out north or on the road from King's Landing.
You remember the ones who are on the road from King's Landing, right? They're led by Yoren, who's a scruffy-looking badass, and they include Arya Stark (currently disguised as a boy named Arry), Gendry (former armorer's apprentice, and the oldest confirmed bastard of Robert Baratheon that we've seen), and Hot Pie (a fat young boy who's been a jerk to Arya). Well, they're the ones we're starting with. Specifically, we're starting with the sight of Arya, trying to pee in a river without anybody noticing her.
No one notices, because they're all busy setting up a camp. When Arya strolls back up to where everyone else is, she's carrying a handful of wood, which is the universal symbol for "I was totally doing something important all that time you couldn't see me." On her way back, she has to pass the three oldest and scariest recruits, who are being kept in a cage. They're going to be a grand addition to the Night's Watch, I'm sure. They can't be trusted anywhere near the other recruits, but as soon as they reach the Wall, they'll turn into noble defenders of all that's right and good. One of them seems relatively normal, and would like Arya to get him a drink. His name, if the Internet can be trusted, is spelled "Jaqen H'ghar." Another one, who is less polite, demands Arya get him a beer before he skins her. Except he doesn't say "her," of course. Arya decides not to give anyone a drink and carries on with her day. Gendry reminds her that she's not supposed to go anywhere near the cart with the cage on it.
About then, two Goldcloaks from King's Landing ride up to deliver on the cliffhanger from the last episode. As soon as she sees them, Arya ducks behind an embankment and tells Gendry that they're after her. Nice poker face, Arya. You're the worst fugitive ever. Yoren stops the Goldcloaks before they get too close to the recruits and is unimpressed with their royal warrant. The Night's Watch, he says, is beyond the reach of kings and queens. And to emphasize his point, he holds a knife to the groin of the nearer Goldcloak. He explains that he could shave a spider's arse if he wanted to. But since that wouldn't actually be all that useful (unless the Goldcloaks are known for their preference for shaved spiders), he also mentions that he could nick an artery. He takes the Goldcloak's sword for use at the Wall and tells him he can die or go home empty-handed. The other Goldcloak is no help. He's kind of looking off into the distance, pretending he's not with this other guy. Before they leave, the talking Goldcloak announced that they're looking for a boy named "Gendry" who has a bull's head for a helmet. They ride away with some empty threats. Gendry eyes Arya, but everyone else eyes Gendry.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Remember last week, when there was a threat that Arya was going to be accidentally hunted down by the people trying to round up all of Robert Baratheon's misbegotten children? Well, it almost happens in this episode! But Yoren stands up for his recruits, so instead of letting the goldcloaks come in and steal Gendry (Robert's bastard), he steals their swords and throws them out. Gendry, meanwhile, has figured out that young Arry is actually a girl, because he's not completely blind.
Up north of the Wall, Samwell feels bad for this one very young wife of Craster's, who's anxious to get away before her baby is born. Snow says not to get involved, but he can't help but follow Craster when the baby boy is set out in the snow to be taken by Sasquatches or something. Then Snow gets whomped over the head by Craster because he forgot to bring his giant direwolf along.
Theon Greyjoy finally has his own plot! He's off to the Iron Islands to ask his father Balon to throw in with Robb. But Balon Greyjoy is sarcastic and contemptuous of his son, who he deems womanly. Instead, he's got a plan to become king without the Starks. And he's put his daughter in charge of his armies!
Out in King's Landing, Tyrion is not making a lot of friends with the way he's acting as Hand. One person who's definitely not thrilled about him is Janos Slynt, who's currently the leader of the city watch. That makes him the person responsible for all the bastard-killing, and also the person responsible for taking down Ned Stark, the last hand of the King. So Tyrion sends Janos off to the Night's Watch, irritating Cersei.
And out east, one of Daenerys' riders has come back. Well, his head did. Along with the horse. The rest of him is presumably dead somewhere. Daenerys vows revenge, which will give her something to do. That'll be nice for her.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Ah, King’s Landing. This place is full of intrigue and sabotage, but it’s also practically the only place in the series that looks comfortable. Well, I guess Winterfell has those awesome beds covered in furs. Anyway. Tyrion is still strolling around whistling cheerfully, because he knows when he’s in a good position. And what could possibly go wrong with someone who’s the Hand of the King? Well, when he goes into his rooms, he finds Varys the Evil Eunuch chatting away with Shae, the prostitute who Tyrion brought back from the Lannister encampment. Shae is supposed to be hiding, and hanging out with Varys is kind of the opposite of that. Varys acts like there’s nothing at all weird about this and claims to be worry about Tyrion’s head wound. Remember that time he was in a battle last season? I presume this is to show how much Varys knows about Tyrion’s activities. Varys also pretends to believe Shae’s story about how she met Tyrion while working in the Lannister kitchens. Then there’s some badinage about her “fish pie.” It’s very ribald, by which I mean that it’s exactly as funny as the allegedly dirty jokes in Shakespeare. Varys promises not to tell Tywin (Tyrion’s father, the head of the Lannisters, and the guy who told Tyrion not to bring his whore to court — honestly, it would help me out a lot if you’d remember some of this from episode to episode) that Shae is there. Because they’re all such good friends. And Varys is always nice to his good friends. Anyway, it’s time for a meeting of the Small Council. Before Varys can get out the door, Tyrion tells him he doesn’t like threats. And unlike Ned Stark, he’s not a man of honor. Going into specifics, he adds, “Threaten me again and I’ll have you thrown into the sea.” Varys is unimpressed, and is also willing to traffic in metaphor: “The big fish eat the little fish and I keep on paddling.” With their positions established, off they go.
At the small council, Cersei Lannister reads out Robb’s offer of peace from last episode. She’s running the meeting as Queen Regent, because, I guess, Joffrey’s too busy deciding what kind of shag carpet he wants in the throne room. Then she tears it up the offer because she doesn’t like any part of it, especially the part where the North declares itself not a part of the Seven Kingdoms. Tyrion suggests giving them Ned’s bones, at least. Cersei largely ignores this and wants the envoy (a random Lannister cousin; if we’ve been told his name, I honestly don’t care) to tell Jaime he’s not been forgotten. Maybe not by her, but I don’t see him in this episode. If he wanted to get a lot of screen time, he should have been taken captive someplace interestingly scenic like Tyrion was.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Remember last week, when there was a threat that Arya was going to be accidentally hunted down by the people trying to round up all of Robert Baratheon's misbegotten children? Well, it almost happens in this episode! But Yoren stands up for his recruits, so instead of letting the goldcloaks come in and steal Gendry (Robert's bastard), he steals their swords and throws them out. Gendry, meanwhile, has figured out that young Arry is actually a girl, because he's not completely blind.
Up north of the Wall, Samwell feels bad for this one very young wife of Craster's, who's anxious to get away before her baby is born. Snow says not to get involved, but he can't help but follow Craster when the baby boy is set out in the snow to be taken by Sasquatches or something. Then Snow gets whomped over the head by Craster because he forgot to bring his giant direwolf along.
Theon Greyjoy finally has his own plot! He's off to the Iron Islands to ask his father Balon to throw in with Robb. But Balon Greyjoy is sarcastic and contemptuous of his son, who he deems womanly. Instead, he's got a plan to become king without the Starks. And he's put his daughter in charge of his armies!
Out in King's Landing, Tyrion is not making a lot of friends with the way he's acting as Hand. One person who's definitely not thrilled about him is Janos Slynt, who's currently the leader of the city watch. That makes him the person responsible for all the bastard-killing, and also the person responsible for taking down Ned Stark, the last hand of the King. So Tyrion sends Janos off to the Night's Watch, irritating Cersei.
And out east, one of Daenerys' riders has come back. Well, his head did. Along with the horse. The rest of him is presumably dead somewhere. Daenerys vows revenge, which will give her something to do. That'll be nice for her.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Just then! There’s a raven from Castle Black, which is that castle right up at the Wall. The Wildlings have stopped killing each other randomly in their crazy beyond-the-Wall existence and banded together with Mance Rayder. As a result, Lord Commander Mormont wants more men. But he’s probably always asking for more men, right? This seems like the sort of thing the Night’s Watch is always saying. Cersei says there are none to spare. The message specifically says, “Cold winds are rising and the dead rise with them.” The Lord Commander even claims to have been attacked in his own bedchamber by the walking dead. This doesn’t seem to grab anyone’s attention at the Small Council. And why would it? Game of Thrones just got renewed for a third season; they don’t have anything to worry about from Walking Dead. If you start getting attacked by iCarly, you’ve got a problem. So everyone’s leaving the Council chamber, but Tyrion says Mormont doesn’t lie about things like zombies attacking him in the bedroom. Cersei doesn’t care about “grumpkins and snarks,” which is my favorite phrase because it sounds like it describes television recappers. Here, look at this: “There are two kinds of recappers: grumpkins and snarks. Which are you?” See? Okay, you get the idea. The point is, Cersei claims to have every confidence in the brave men of the Night’s Watch.
Out in the snowy area past the Wall, the brave men in question are discussing the phenomenon of farting when you die. Samwell (the fat one, but not the fat one from Lord of the Rings named “Samwise”) speculates that Craster doesn’t need more than two or three wives. It does seem a little over-the-top to insist on a harem composed of multiple generations of your own descendants. One of them talks about how he used to have frequent sex with a milkmaid named Violet. Samwell muses, “Wish I grew up on a farm.” He goes off to get potatoes and turnips. But on his way, he runs across Jon Snow’s giant white direwolf (Ghost) frightening a girl. Fatty asks her if she’s okay, and she can only stammer that he shouldn’t touch her. Well, she also says, “You’re very brave.” So I guess I was lying about her only being able to stammer one thing. Her name is “Gilly,” which brings up unpleasant Saturday Night Live references.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Remember last week, when there was a threat that Arya was going to be accidentally hunted down by the people trying to round up all of Robert Baratheon's misbegotten children? Well, it almost happens in this episode! But Yoren stands up for his recruits, so instead of letting the goldcloaks come in and steal Gendry (Robert's bastard), he steals their swords and throws them out. Gendry, meanwhile, has figured out that young Arry is actually a girl, because he's not completely blind.
Up north of the Wall, Samwell feels bad for this one very young wife of Craster's, who's anxious to get away before her baby is born. Snow says not to get involved, but he can't help but follow Craster when the baby boy is set out in the snow to be taken by Sasquatches or something. Then Snow gets whomped over the head by Craster because he forgot to bring his giant direwolf along.
Theon Greyjoy finally has his own plot! He's off to the Iron Islands to ask his father Balon to throw in with Robb. But Balon Greyjoy is sarcastic and contemptuous of his son, who he deems womanly. Instead, he's got a plan to become king without the Starks. And he's put his daughter in charge of his armies!
Out in King's Landing, Tyrion is not making a lot of friends with the way he's acting as Hand. One person who's definitely not thrilled about him is Janos Slynt, who's currently the leader of the city watch. That makes him the person responsible for all the bastard-killing, and also the person responsible for taking down Ned Stark, the last hand of the King. So Tyrion sends Janos off to the Night's Watch, irritating Cersei.
And out east, one of Daenerys' riders has come back. Well, his head did. Along with the horse. The rest of him is presumably dead somewhere. Daenerys vows revenge, which will give her something to do. That'll be nice for her.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Snow (the character “Jon Snow” who’s a bastard of uncertain parentage, raised by Ned Stark, and sent off to join the Night’s Watch; not the white stuff that falls out of the sky during winter) sharpens his sword. That’s something that happens a lot on this show. If they don’t have anything else for a character to do, they just toss them a sword to sharpen. I mean, you can’t have people have random sex in every scene. Or can you? I guess it’s not out of the question. HBO!
Whoops. Got distracted. Snow’s sharpening his sword. Samwell brings Gilly to talk to him, which he’s not supposed to do. Craster said Snow wasn’t even allowed to look at any of the local wives. Gilly says that Sam said that Snow could help. The problem is that she’s pregnant, so Sam wants to bring her along on the incredibly dangerous mission full of men who have taken a vow of chastity. Snow says that’s impossible. What Gilly’s actually worried about is having a boy. If it’s a girl, she just grows up to be the latest generation of incest wife. But if it’s a boy… well, she doesn’t actually say. She leaves so Sam and Snow can have an argument about Snow being cruel. Snow says Sam was trying to steal Gilly, Sam counters with the logical point that Gilly is a woman, not a goat. Snow says that this isn’t a mission they can bring a woman on. And they don’t have anyone who can deliver her baby, even though Sam claims to have read “a bit about it.” That’s what happens when you don’t have the resources of the Internet available to you. Imagine a world where you don’t have control of the kind of pornography you consume. Scary, right?
We now move east to the Red Waste. This desert is where Daenerys (or “Dany” if you’re tired of typing long vowel-heavy names all the time) Targaryen is currently stranded with her khalasar, which is a pretend-foreign word for a posse of horse-riding savages. Everyone’s sitting around exhausted. They look like they’re out of water, although the first thing that happens is that Jorah (Daenerys’s advisor and the only one besides her who speaks English in this whole subplot) drinks from a canteen. So maybe they’re all just really sleepy. It’s the middle of the day, though. It seems like it’s always the middle of the day in this desert. Jorah notices a horse riding out of the desert and draws Dany’s attention to it. It has no rider! But it does have a saddlebag that appears to be dripping water. Although when Jorah investigates, it turns out that that bag has a head in it. So I guess you probably wouldn’t want to drink the water. Dany is outraged by this and demands to know who could have done such a thing. Jorah’s been lounging around in the middle of the desert right to her, so I don’t know how she thinks he’s going to know exactly who’s responsible. He names a couple of local khals who could have objected to a woman leading a khalasar. Dany proclaims, “They will like it far less when I am done with him.” The dead guy’s wife sobs that they killed his soul by not burning his body, which means he can’t join his ancestors. So Dany has to have a funeral pyre, because one thing you want when you’re in the middle of a scorching desert is heat. She promises the woman, “Rakharo will ride with his ancestors tonight.” She doesn’t seem that reassured. Wailing to the heavens can’t be good for your throat when you’re out of water.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Remember last week, when there was a threat that Arya was going to be accidentally hunted down by the people trying to round up all of Robert Baratheon's misbegotten children? Well, it almost happens in this episode! But Yoren stands up for his recruits, so instead of letting the goldcloaks come in and steal Gendry (Robert's bastard), he steals their swords and throws them out. Gendry, meanwhile, has figured out that young Arry is actually a girl, because he's not completely blind.
Up north of the Wall, Samwell feels bad for this one very young wife of Craster's, who's anxious to get away before her baby is born. Snow says not to get involved, but he can't help but follow Craster when the baby boy is set out in the snow to be taken by Sasquatches or something. Then Snow gets whomped over the head by Craster because he forgot to bring his giant direwolf along.
Theon Greyjoy finally has his own plot! He's off to the Iron Islands to ask his father Balon to throw in with Robb. But Balon Greyjoy is sarcastic and contemptuous of his son, who he deems womanly. Instead, he's got a plan to become king without the Starks. And he's put his daughter in charge of his armies!
Out in King's Landing, Tyrion is not making a lot of friends with the way he's acting as Hand. One person who's definitely not thrilled about him is Janos Slynt, who's currently the leader of the city watch. That makes him the person responsible for all the bastard-killing, and also the person responsible for taking down Ned Stark, the last hand of the King. So Tyrion sends Janos off to the Night's Watch, irritating Cersei.
And out east, one of Daenerys' riders has come back. Well, his head did. Along with the horse. The rest of him is presumably dead somewhere. Daenerys vows revenge, which will give her something to do. That'll be nice for her.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!And speaking of water, we suddenly cut to a boat. And do you know what the boat is floating on? That’s right: water. That’s what makes it such a good segue. The last word of the last paragraph was “water” and then we’re in a paragraph that’s all about water. Seamless. Well, except for all this talking about it I’m doing. The boat is approaching a castle on a cliff, which pleases its passenger, one Theon Greyjoy. Theon’s been a sidekick of Robb Stark for the whole series so far, so this will be an interesting chance to see him on his own. I’d like to see him have swashbuckling adventures on the high seas, but he’s really just going to Pyke to talk to his father. I know it’s Pyke because I was paying attention during the opening credits!
He goes below decks, where he’s got a naked lady. She seems pleased to see him as he delivers exposition about himself. He’s confident that he’ll get a huge reception when they dock because his father will be so happy to see him back. Also, although the label on the map is Pyke, the whole general area is the Iron Islands, which are proud of how cold and wet they are. It’s the Seattle of the Seven Kingdoms! Theon tells his woman, “Hard men rule the world.” This is an obvious straight line for sexy double entendres, and she goes for it. Theon isn’t all that impressed with her teeth and tells her to smile with her lips closed. Then he shoves her on her back and — look, how explicit do you want me to get here? While they’re having sex, she talks about how her father told her the Greyjoys were all rapists. She begs to be his “salt wife,” which I can only assume means “lady he has sex with and also occasionally salts his food for him.” She’d usually be positioned to the pepper wife. Being an official salt wife would mean that her father wouldn’t call her a whore. Theon points out that he hasn’t paid her, so she can’t be a whore. Then he rolls her over and continues with the sexing. She seems to enjoy this position much less.
Hey! Now we’re somewhere else watching two other people have sex! And then we’re watching Littlefinger watch them. And then we’re watching one of Littlefinger’s whore perform fellatio on him while he’s watching people have sex. And then I wrote about it and you read that. Meta, right? Littlefinger’s voyeurism is interrupted by an unhappy customer, who protests that he “barely touched” his prostitute. She’s crying much more than he expected this early in the festivities. Littlefinger wipes off the mouth of the young lady who was attending to him and sends her off with the customer as a replacement.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Remember last week, when there was a threat that Arya was going to be accidentally hunted down by the people trying to round up all of Robert Baratheon's misbegotten children? Well, it almost happens in this episode! But Yoren stands up for his recruits, so instead of letting the goldcloaks come in and steal Gendry (Robert's bastard), he steals their swords and throws them out. Gendry, meanwhile, has figured out that young Arry is actually a girl, because he's not completely blind.
Up north of the Wall, Samwell feels bad for this one very young wife of Craster's, who's anxious to get away before her baby is born. Snow says not to get involved, but he can't help but follow Craster when the baby boy is set out in the snow to be taken by Sasquatches or something. Then Snow gets whomped over the head by Craster because he forgot to bring his giant direwolf along.
Theon Greyjoy finally has his own plot! He's off to the Iron Islands to ask his father Balon to throw in with Robb. But Balon Greyjoy is sarcastic and contemptuous of his son, who he deems womanly. Instead, he's got a plan to become king without the Starks. And he's put his daughter in charge of his armies!
Out in King's Landing, Tyrion is not making a lot of friends with the way he's acting as Hand. One person who's definitely not thrilled about him is Janos Slynt, who's currently the leader of the city watch. That makes him the person responsible for all the bastard-killing, and also the person responsible for taking down Ned Stark, the last hand of the King. So Tyrion sends Janos off to the Night's Watch, irritating Cersei.
And out east, one of Daenerys' riders has come back. Well, his head did. Along with the horse. The rest of him is presumably dead somewhere. Daenerys vows revenge, which will give her something to do. That'll be nice for her.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Uh oh. I think this crying prostitute is Ros again. She was the best prostitute in Winterfell, and then she became a wide-eyed newbie in King’s Landing. I think the message is that King’s Landing is significantly more sophisticated than Winterfell and has much higher standards for its sex workers. Anyway, the effect has been that I just assume all prostitutes are Ros, because so far that’s been pretty accurate. Littlefinger sits on a bed with her and asks if the customer hurt her. The answer is no. She’s just sad about Macon (which is almost certainly not how it’s spelled, but this is probably the last time she’s going to be mentioned and I’d rather spend time making excuses than look it up), whose baby was killed by Goldcloaks. Ah, from last episode, right. Macon would have been the mother of Robert’s bastard. Littlefinger confesses that the baby-killing was poorly handled. And now Ros can’t sleep because she keeps thinking about the poor little dead baby. Littlefinger, in very soft and solicitous tones, tells Ros about another girl like her who was beautiful and cried a lot. She was extremely expensive and wasn’t making him any money. “I hate making bad investments,” he explains. They haunt him, see. “I had no idea how to make her happy. And no idea how to mitigate my losses.” So there was a very wealthy patron who “transformed” her. To use her in “ways that never occur to most men.” Littlefinger ends his story with, “I will not say he succeeded in making her happy. But my losses were definitely mitigated. Take tonight off to mourn Macon’s child. I’ll see you tomorrow. And you’ll be happy.” She manages a smile. Littlefinger continues to pretend to be nice with, “That makes me happy.” Well, look. I’m not saying I approve of this. But Ros appears to have chosen this life. She voluntarily went from Winterfell to King’s Landing. And I can certainly see Littlefinger’s logic that a prostitute who cries all the time is going to have a greatly reduced appeal. I mean, some people are probably going to be into that, but enough to justify having her on the payroll? She’s going to need to learn to mask her emotions if she’s going to stay in this line of work.
Elsewhere in King’s Landing, Tyrion Lannister has a sumptuous repast with Lord Janos Slynt, leader of the Goldcloaks. Tyrion brings up the recent unpleasantness in Littlefinger’s brothel. Not Ros crying all the time; they don’t care about that. He’s talking about the baby-killing. Slynt claims that he was only keeping the peace, but Tyrion suggests that killing babies is perhaps taking that a bit too far. He asks if the orders came from Cersei, and Slynt won’t admit it. He also won’t admit having heard those rumors about Jaime and Cersei. All he’ll say is, “Joffrey is my king. The rest doesn’t interest me.” Tyrion asks if Slynt gave the order to slaughter Ned Stark’s men in that scene in the Throne Room last season. He did, even though Ned tried to bribe him. Tyrion laughs at that, because Slynt had already been bought. Slynt puts on some outrage and asks if Tyrion is questioning his honor. I say! Tyrion answers, “I’m not questioning your honor. I’m denying its existence.” These are obviously fighting words, but on the other hand, Slynt has been throwing around words like “Imp” and “Dwarf” as he gets more and more agitated. He’d probably attack Tyrion, but there’s suddenly a goon behind him. It’s Bronn, the sellsword Tyrion picked up in The Eyrie. Tyrion claims that as Hand of the King, he doesn’t feel safe having the murderer of the last Hand around. Slynt says we’ll see what King Joffrey has to say about this, but Tyrion disagrees. Slynt’s being put on a boat north, after which he’ll have a nice long walk to Castle Black. And the new commander of the city watch is Bronn! Slynt blusters, “I have friends at court! Powerful friends! The King himself made me a Lord!” That doesn’t seem to matter to the men who hustle him out. Even though they worked for him just ten minutes earlier. This is a weird world to be a goon in, I think. People are always declaring themselves your new boss and you have to decide right away who you’re going to stab. When they drag Slynt out, Bronn sits at the table across from Tyrion. Tyrion toasts him, “To the new commander.” Then Tyrion asks him, “If I told you to murder an infant girl, say, at her mother’s breast. Would you do it without question?” Bronn answers, “Without question? No. I’d ask how much.” Tyrion looks thoughtful. It’s possible he’s asking himself if he really wants to be in business with an amoral sellsword. It’s also possible he’s wondering exactly how much money it would cost, so he can budget out his planned baby-killing for the fiscal quarter.
Now, back to the Night's Watch Recruits. Hot Pie, Arya and a third one who I'm going to call "Blondie" (because I feel that random nicknames are an important aspect of recaps and I feel bad that I don't really do any of that) are preparing the camp for the night. Blondie thinks the time the Goldcloaks come they should just hand over Gendry and not have to worry about it anymore. Hot Pie claims that he's not afraid of battles. He's even seen an actual battle once. Well, it was two guys fighting, but they were in armor, and that's enough for Hot Pie to call it a battle. They must have been knights, right? Gendry leans in and points out that knights aren't the only ones who can wear armor. And he knows this because he was an armorer's apprentice, which means that his job was literally to sell armor to people, many of whom weren't knights. It's a pretty good point.
Gendry and Arya get alone for a discussion about the Goldcloak Situation. Gendry claims that he has no idea why the Goldcloaks were after him. Arya calls him a liar, and he tells her she shouldn't insult people bigger than her. He does know that he apparently held a fascination for Hands of the King, since both Jon Arryn and Ned Stark came to gawk at him at the armorer's. All he knows about his mother is that she worked in a tavern and that his father could have been practically anyone. And what about Arya? "Did you kill someone or is it just because you're a girl?" What? A girl? She denies that, of course. So he dares her to pull out her cock and piss on the ground. She declines. He promises no one will know. Apparently on the theory that the jig is up, she tells him she's Arya of House Stark. He recognizes the name as belonging to the guy recently declared a traitor. She insists that Joffrey's a liar and her father wasn't a traitor. He realizes that if she's Ned Stark's daughter, then that makes her an official Highborn Lady. She hotly denies it, and then admits that it's technically true. But it's her mother and sister who are the highborn ladies in her mind. He apologizes for pissing in front of her earlier and calls her "Milady." She pushes him down and stomps off, which is the only rational action to take in the situation.
Theon hops up on the dock at Pyke. There is no big reception. There is no parade. There is no brass band. There's just one old guy who asks in conversational tones what cargo was on the ship. He's not impressed with the wine, since it's a woman's drink. He's also not impressed with Theon's bragging about how he's the heir to Pyke. But since Theon hands over some money, he's willing to try to round up a horse so Theon can get to the castle.
But before he can get the old man's horse, a woman swaggers up and offers to take him to the castle. He gives her the eye. You know the eye I mean. I mean the sex-eye. He asks if she knows who he is, and she kind of raises an eyebrow. I don't know if her physical eyebrow moves, but her attitude is definitely eyebrow-raise-y. She asks, "You think I offer free rides to every man in jewelry, Lord Greyjoy?" Theon hands more coins to the old man and tells him to send his things to the castle.
Ah, riding a horse along the beach. That's probably the sort of thing that sounds like more fun than it is. The mysterious woman is in front and Theon is behind her. He brags about how good he is at riding horses, and she immediately casts aspersions on his seamanship by asking, "Have these hands ever touched a rope?" He brags some more and feels her up. His hands are all over her breasts and crotch. I mention this because it's going to be important later. And because it tells you something about Theon Greyjoy that he's trying to make out with a woman he just met while they're riding a horse. He tells her he's got a plan for making Lord Greyjoy the new king. And she can come into the castle with him and warm his bed. He brags, "You can tell your grandchildren about this night."
Oh, I like the way the Greyjoys decorate. They have a giant fireplace with a kraken over it. This older gentleman would be Balon Greyjoy, Theon's father. The Greyjoys had some kind of rebellion against the king awhile back, and Ned Stark helped put it down. That's how Theon ended up being raised by the Starks; he was some kind of hostage. Balon asks, "They took a frightened boy. What have they given back?" Theon, instantly reverting to a little boy, answers, "Lord Stark is gone." "And how do you feel about that?" Lord Greyjoy mocks his clothes and the bauble around his neck. He asks, "Did you pay the iron price for it or the gold?" Huh. He has contempt for anyone who pays for stuff. Only weak people participate in commerce, you know. He yanks the jewel off of Theon's cloak and tells him, "I'll not have my son dressed as a whore. My fears have come true. The Starks have made you theirs." Theon boasts about how Robb thinks of him as a brother (which is a great way to convince people you're not really a Stark, right?), and Lord Greyjoy sneers at him. Does Theon remember his brothers, who Ned Stark killed? Theon: "I remember my brothers. And I remember when my father was a king."
Okay, that scene was a lot of fun, but it's time to get to Theon's point. The proposal is that Lord Greyjoy join up with the Starks (which Balon translates as "kill Robb's enemies for him") and he gets to be "King of the Iron Islands."
Just then! Who should walk in but that woman that gave Theon a ride? Theon tries to tell her she was supposed to wait for him, but she turns out to be his sister Yara. Whoops! It doesn't quite count as incest if all you do is feel your sister up, right? I mean, by the standards of this show, that's hardly anything! Balon tells Theon that Yara's in charge of his army. Theon, naturally, goes with the ol' "What? But you're a woman!" She smirks at him and tells him he's the one in skirts. Balon says, "What's dead may never die." And Theon joins in, so I guess that's a saying. Not a very good one, if you ask me. Anyway, Yara's commanded armies and killed men already. And Balon has a statement of purpose: "No man gives me a crown. I pay the iron price. I will take my crown. For that is who I am. That is who we have always been." Well. He has a kraken on his wall, a saying borrowed from Cthulhu, and he lives in a cold, wet, Seattle-y place. I can see why all my friends like the Greyjoys. Theon warns him, "You won't stand a chance against the Lannisters on your own!" Balon answers, "Who said anything about the Lannisters?"
Out on a beach somewhere, Davos is speaking with someone who's obviously a pirate of some sort. Davos would like him to join Stannis's cause. The pirate is skeptical of Stannis's chances, because of all the armies in play, Stannis's is the smallest. Well, he doesn't know about Dany's army, which consists of a handful of dehydrated horsepeople. And nobody knows how many people Mance Rayder's got. And the Greyjoys haven't officially declared their entry yet. But of the local armies, Stannis has fewer people than Renly, Robb or the Lannisters. Davos counters that Stannis has more experience fighting a war than any of the other players. I think he's counting Joffrey as the leader of the Lannister army, not Tywin. Because Tywin and Stannis seem to be about equal, as far as I can tell. However, Stannis gets the edge on being extremely honorable, according to Davos. The pirate, whose name is Salladhor Saan, asks, "What is the world coming to when smugglers must vouch for the honor of kings?" Davos gets to the point and tells him he can plunder the greatest city of Westeros (King's Landing) and men will sing songs about him. Salladhor wants to add Cersei to his bounty, and then his fleet of thirty ships will throw in. He clarifies his intentions: "I'm not going to rape her. I'm going to fuck her." Davos's son Matthos protests that Cersei won't fall to Salladhor's charms. Salladhor leers at Matthos and answers, "You don't know how persuasive I am. I've never tried to fuck you." This seems to unnerve Matthos, who starts talking about the One True God. This is a controversial philosophical stance in this world, where some people worship the Old Gods. Salladhor equates the "One True God" with what's between a woman's legs. Seems like that would be the One True Goddess, but what do I know? Davos says he can promise Salladhor anything he wants, except for Cersei. If he wants to capture her and make her his concubine (or whatever his plan is), he's on his own. Salladhor, who seems like a cheerful sort, answers, "I'll sail with you, Davos Seaworth. You're the most honorable smuggler I ever met. Make me rich." Davos answers, "Get me to the gates of King's Landing and I will." So there you go. Now Stannis has a fleet of thirty pirate ships.
Matthos tries to get Davos to pray to the One True God. Davos doesn't care about any of that stuff, since he always got home safely without having to pray. Matthos says he always prayed for him. Davos explains, "King Stannis is my god. He raised me up and blessed me with his trust." Davos positively refuses to care about the fire god. Matthos says, "Stannis is my king, but he's only a man."
Back to King's Landing! Cersei is angry with Tyrion, which seems like something that probably happens a lot. This time, she's mad at him for firing Janos Slynt without permission. I'm not sure whether the Hand of the King outranks the Queen Regent. My guess is that he doesn't, since the Queen Regent is acting monarch. Tyrion says that Cersei's policies are losing them the acceptance of the people. She doesn't care about the people, because they're just a bunch of stupid peasants. Tyrion says that when winter comes, half the city will starve and the other half will revolt. She sighs a little, which I take to mean that she's willing to admit that it would be convenient if at least some of the stupid peasants were on their side. Tyrion accuses her of having killed off all those bastards in the last episode, and she doesn't deny it. And then Tyrion realizes that the reason she didn't deny it is that she actually didn't do it. It was Joffrey! And Joffrey may not have told Cersei about the order, because King definitely outranks Queen Regent. She defends her son, saying, "He did what needed to be done." Cersei says that neither Tyrion nor Jaime has ever taken ruling seriously. Not like her, who's very into the idea of ruling people. "It's all fallen on me," she says, giving Tyrion the perfect opportunity to answer, "As has Jaime repeatedly, according to Stannis Baratheon." Cersei is getting a little tired of everyone knowing that she sleeps with her twin, and answers, "You're funny. You've always been funny. But none of your jokes will ever match the first one, will they? Do you remember back when you ripped my mother open on your way open and she bled to death?" Tyrion does not apologize for killing Mama Lannister and just says, "She was my mother too." This does not appease Cersei, who says some more mean things about how there's no bigger joke in the world than Tyrion. I guess this is supposed to establish why she hates him, but I think she's mostly just a jerk. And this has to be a pretty stressful time for her, with her twin-lover held captive, her son turning out to be a rotten king, and the whole kingdom erupting into civil war as soon as she took the place over.
Dragonstone. Davos and Matthos are in a room with a giant table, upon which is arrayed a bunch of miniature armies. It's a very nice table. It's got terrain features and everything! Stannis enters, followed by Melisandre, who I've been calling "Creepy Lady." She's the red-haired woman who seems to be the main priestess of the fire god. Stannis is skeptical of allying with Salladhor. Davos agrees that the pirate is not to be trusted, but he assures Stannis that once Salladhor gets the smell of gold, he won't stop until he gets it. Stannis says that once Salladhor does his job (helping them attack King's Landing) he'll have his gold. Then he tells Davos and Matthos to leave. As they do, Melisandre takes a moment to tell Matthos about how the Lord of Light shines through him. So the One True God, the Fire God, and the Lord of Light are all referring to the same god. With all those epithets, you'd think he'd have an actual name. Melisandre whispers a bit more to Matthos before he leaves.
Now that they're alone, Satannis asks Melisandre what she said to him. Essentially, she recommended death by fire. It's great! She also says that armies are but toys for the Lord of Light. Stannis, who is no fool, says that Renly has a hundred thousand men. That sounds expensive! Melisandre tells Stannis to have faith, but he thinks that having the bigger army is a bigger factor in winning a war. He thinks he can't beat Renly in a head-to-head fight and that he can't take King's Landing by himself. He tells her that he's said all the relevant words and burnt all the important idols, so it's time for the Lord of Light to start making everything work right. She tells him he must give all of himself. And suddenly her boobies are on the show! He tells her that he has a wife and that he took a vow. Melisandre says, "She's sick. Weak. Shut away in a tower. She disgusts you. And she's given you nothing. No sons. Only stillborns. Only death." This is awful sexytalk. Who gets into the mood by talking about stillborns? She promises, "I will give you a son, my king."
And that's apparently all it takes to get Stannis Baratheon to start having sex with you! Right on the mock battlefield table, too. Which I don't think is a good idea, since the terrain features make it all bumpy and uncomfortable. So would the little army figures, but Stannis knocks them onto the ground. I have a visceral reaction to that, which comes of having played a lot of board games in my times. That happened to a Risk game I was in once, and we never agreed on where any of the armies were. He's just destroyed the integrity of his enormous miniature war. Oh no!
Back to the Night's Watch. Jon Snow is just hanging out in the snowy night when he sees someone creeping around with a baby. It's probably not Gilly's, right? She wasn't that pregnant. This is some other baby. Snow follows. It's still night. There are many snow-covered trees. There are animal noises, some of which I'm pretty sure belong to jungle birds. I think I hear some chains rattling? And maybe some wood scraping against wood? Snow backs up. Whoever was carrying that baby comes back the other way down the path, but Snow is hiding behind a tree. There's the sound of a baby crying. Snow runs forward, drawing his sword. He should have brought his giant dire wolf. That seems like the sort of thing that would come in handy, right? He falls and sees something pick up the baby and walk away. It could have been a human, but where's the fun in that?
And then Snow gets whopped over the head. WHOP!
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