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Catelyn drags Tyrion through a mountain pass, where they're set upon by hill people or something. Tyrion takes the opportunity to smash one hill person's face in really good. And he seems to make friends with one of the guards that Catelyn picked up in the tavern. She takes him to the Eyrie, which appears to be a castle on top of a giant mountain. It's being ruled by Catelyn's sister Lysa, who's Jon Arryn's widow. She appears to have gone a little crazy, and she's breast-feeding her creepy kid a lot longer than you'd normally expect. She throws Tyrion in a prison cell that's basically cut into the side of the mountain. It's missing a wall!
The good news about Daenerys's pregnancy has reached King Robert, and he wants to get her a present! Well, that's probably overstating it a little, because what he actually wants to do is kill her. Viserys, too, although he honestly sounds more scared of the unborn child. Ned doesn't want to do this, and the council meeting where they argue about it ends with Ned being fired as the Hand of the King. Also, Robert keeps saying words like "Treason," so that's probably a bad sign. So when Jaime Lannister accosts Ned, it ends with Jory getting killed and Ned getting a pole-arm to the leg.
Oh, and it turns out that Renly Baratheon (the king's brother) and the Knight of the Flowers are lovers and they have a long, slow chest-shaving scene. That might be of interest to you.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Okay, let's have a look at these credits. King's Landing, check. There's a stag there, by the way, which is presumably because that's the signature animal of King Robert. And then something new has been added! There's a mountain called "The Eyrie." I'm just glad paying attention to the credits paid off! Then we go off to Winterfell, where I think I can see a wolf's head. Up to the Wall, which doesn't get a totem animal. And finally, over to Vaes Dothrak, which has that horse arch. Got it!
Our story begins in King's Landing, which seems peaceful enough. Perhaps... deceptively so? Actually, it's almost definitely less peaceful than it seems. It would probably have to be on fire to accurately represent what's going on. Lord Stark strides through the tournament grounds and then enters a tent, where Ser Hugh lies dead. I guess that's supposed to be somehow surprising, but I thought he died at the joust itself. He had that giant shard of wood sticking out his neck, and I don't know how efficient the medical profession is on this show. We're reminded that Ser Hugh was wearing his knightly armor for the first time, and also that he had no family. Well, we might not have known that last bit already. I'll be honest with you; I have not been paying nearly as much attention to the genealogy aspect of this show as it thinks I have. I figure there are families that are important and families I don't need to care about yet, you know? Lord Stark seems to think that Ser Hugh was set up to fight the Mountain, but he's told the knights draw straws to pick opponents. Ah, he asks, but who holds the straws? Is he suggesting some kind of professional sleight-of-straw man?
Having dealt with that, Ned walks away from the tent in the company of Ser Barristan, who's that older knight who King Robert was reminiscing with that one time. You remember, he's the guy I misidentified as the Hound. His full name is "Selmy Barristan," which means that I am constantly confusing him with an extremely minor science fiction author with the awesome name of "Manly Bannister." I have fascinating stories to tell about the printing press that Manly Bannister used for his zine, but I guess this probably isn't the right place. Frankly, I'm having trouble finding the right place for all my Manly Bannister anecdotes. It's possible I just like saying "Manly Bannister."
Anyway, Barristan used to be Ned's enemy, which we know because he reminds Ned of that time they fought as enemies. Slick! Ned says that his father told him that Barristan was the best fighter he ever saw, and now that they've exchanged some manly reminiscing, it's time to forward the plot a little bit. So it's established that Ser Hugh's armor was suspiciously nice for someone who until recently was just Jon Arryn's squire. Barristan suggests that maybe Arryn left him some money, but it doesn't sound like he means it. And in other news, King Robert wants to enter the joust tonight. Ned guarantees that's not going to happen, but apparently Robert has a reputation for ignoring the sound advice his Hand gives him.
Ned checks in on Lord Robert himself, who is currently shouting at his squire, who appears to be a Lannister. It's probably Lancel again. All these yellow-hairs look alike to me. Probably-Lancel is attempting to help Robert get into his armor, but it's not going very well. Robert's theory is that his armor has shrunk. Also that Probably-Lancel is somehow doing it wrong. He seems pleased when Ned walks in, because now he has a new person to shout at about how incompetent his squire is: "Look at this idiot. One ball and no brains!" Ned, who has no time for soothing his king's ego, just tells Robert he's too fat for his armor. Robert acts mad, but then he and Ned laugh. Then Lancel smiles a little, and Robert snarls at him about finding it funny. Lancel denies it, but then he's in trouble for not finding the Hand's joke funny. Finally, Robert sends him out to get the breastplate stretcher. And that's clearly not a real thing, because Ned and Robert laugh at poor, stupid Lancel as soon as he's out of the tent.
Now, back to business: Ned tells Robert he can't joust. But Robert vows that he'd win! Yes, explains Ned, because nobody's going to hit the king. "You're telling me those cowards would let me win?" By George, I think he's got it! Robert wants Ned to have a drink with him, and it takes a direct order. Ned, just loosen up a little and have a damn drink, okay? It's the only way Robert's going to share some backstory with us. And here it is: he married Cersei because Jon Arryn told him to, the idea being that he'd get her whole family on his side. Also, he's all whiny about being king but not getting to do whatever he wants. He starts to leave, and Ned has to remind him to button up his shirt. Apparently a big, hairy belly isn't considered kingly around here. Robert tries out a new catchphrase: "Come bow before your king. Bow, ya shits!"
Joust time! Our first contestant is Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane. He enjoys burning his brother's face off, killing Ser Hugh of the Vale, and Jazzercise. He bows to the king. Ned has decided to join his family for today's events (when you hear that someone died in yesterday's lists, that probably makes you want to see what's going to happen today), but Arya seems to be missing. Sansa says she's at her dancing lessons. And here's our second contestant: It's the Knight of the Flowers! He has a silly name, but he apparently beat Jaime Lannister once (that's when Tyrion is supposed to have won that dagger from Littlefinger. And you thought I hadn't been paying attention!) so he's no Ser Hugh of the Vale. The Knight of the Flowers (that's a long name, which I may well abbreviate to "Flowers" at some point) gives Sansa a rose, and she is instantly charmed by his courtly manners and long, floppity hair. He nods to the Mountain and they take up their positions. Sansa wails that her new floppity-haired crush is going to get killed by the Mountain. Littlefinger, meanwhile, bets with Renly Baratheon on the joust. Littlefinger speculates about what he's going to buy with his winnings, and Renly suggests that he get a friend. Zing! And now the joust! The Knight of the Flowers unseats the Mountain, and the crowd goes wild! Renly smirks at Littlefinger and says how nice it would have been for him to have a friend. Littlefinger, with the air of someone who thought of this line the night and was just waiting for the opportunity to deliver it, answers, "And tell me, Lord Renly. When will you be having your friend?" It's a gay joke! Because the friend he meant was the Knight of the Flowers.
The Mountain gets off his horse (I guess I should call it a "mount" or a "steed" to keep with the High Fantasy tone, but it's clearly a horse) and calls for his ludicrously oversized sword. And then, while Flowers is bowing to the crowd, the Mountain DECAPITATES HIS HORSE! With one stroke! There's horse blood going everywhere, and the crowd freaks out. Then the Mountain comes after Flowers (which sounds like a bit of a mismatch when I put it that way), and they have as much of a swordfight as they can, given that greatswords are really, really long. Mostly what happens is that the Mountain takes mighty swings, which Flowers blocks. The Hound jumps in and fights the Mountain off. They're both pretty big, so they can manage a few swings. King Robert shouts, "Stop this madness in the name of your king!" The Hound is kneeling in submission before Robert even finishes the sentence, which is pretty impressive. I mean, if you're fighting a giant armored dude named "The Mountain" who's also your brother, it's probably hard to change gears that quickly. The Mountain also stops fighting, but he stalks off instead of kneeling. Flowers gets up and tells the Hound, "I owe you my life, Ser." The Hound gruffly answers that he's no "Ser." Then he raises the Knight of the Flowers's hand in victory, the way a boxing referee does with a champion. Everyone applauds!
That's enough of King's Landing for now. The heck with that place, am I right? Let's go to som
e dirt path somewhere, where Tyrion Lannister is unceremoniously lifted off of a horse and set on the ground. Then a hood is removed from his head. And that jackass minstrel is still there, in a moment that, I'm guessing, reminded everyone in the world of Brave Sir Robin's minstrel in Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. Great. I was worried this scene wouldn't have a guy strumming on a lute. Tyrion notes that this isn't the road to Winterfell, which is where Catelyn told everyone in the tavern she was going to take him. So right now, inaccurate rumors about his location are spreading across the kingdom. That's one point for Lady Stark, I guess. Tyrion speculates that the rumors will certainly reach his father, who will offer a fat reward for his son. He adds, "Everyone knows a Lannister always pays his debts," making sure to be loud enough that Catelyn's helpers can hear him. Aside from Sideburns and the minstrel, they appear to be the scruffy guys from the tavern. Tyrion asks if maybe his hands could be untied, and Catelyn snippily refuses. He thinks that's dumb, because even with his hands free, he's not really a threat to overpower them and make his escape. He's also figured out where they're going: "You're taking me to your sister to answer for my imagined crimes." Her sister is Lysa, and she's the one who's holed up at the Eyrie. He asks if Catelyn's seen Lysa lately and ominously intones, "She's changed." But if he's trying to scare her away from her destination, his heart doesn't really seem in it. Sideburns wants to gag Tyrion to keep him from saying evil things like "I had nothing to do with the attempt on your son's life."
And that's about all the conversation there's time for, because! Just then! Hill people roar out of the underbrush and start attacking! There are swordfights everywhere! Hack! Slash! Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! Lady Stark is not participating in the fight, choosing instead to pull out a comically small dagger and cower against a hillock. Tyrion gets her to cut the ropes that tie his hand, and he grabs a shield. He seems to be eyeing the horses and wondering if he could get over to them, but I think mounting one is probably something of an ordeal for him. One giant dude with a mace kills one of the tavern guys and turns to menace Catelyn. Tyrion whacks him in the butt with the shield, which knocks him over. Then, when the dude is on the ground, Tyrion pounds the point of his shield into the guy's face. Over and over again. Well past the point of killing him. In fact, he's still doing it when the fight's clearly over. One of the sellswords tells Tyrion that after a fight, you need a woman, and Tyrion makes some sort of lewd reference to Lady Stark. Well, it's either her or Sideburns, and I still haven't gotten used to the under-chin sideburn bow. Although I expect to see that as a cosplay element on the convention circuit this summer.
Hey, remember Winterfell? Let's go back there! Theon is practicing some archery in the background while Bran is quizzed on various noble families and cities. This is probably important stuff, right? I bet it's one of those things where there are fifty irrelevant things and then one incredibly important thing that the whole show ends up hinging on. Well, too bad for you, then, because Bran is sulky and does not enunciate his answers properly, which is the sort of thing that gets in the way of a good transcription. I will tell you that when the Greyjoys are mentioned, Theon comments that they're famed for their skills at archery, navigation, and lovemaking. Bran's teacher adds "failed rebellions" to that. Bran pretends that the Lannister motto is "A Lannister always pays his debts," in case we didn't notice when Tyrion said that. It's no "Winter is coming," but it probably increases your chances of getting credit at the local brothel. And speaking of family mottos, Bran thinks that "Family, duty, honor" (Tully family) should imply that family comes first, which means that he's mad about his mother not being there when he woke up. The teacher promises she'll be back soon, but he points out that his mother's precise whereabouts are currently unknown, so it's hard to make promises about when she'll be home. He's also mopey about how he'll never be able to shoot a bow again (although he wasn't any good at it back when his legs worked), and then he's shocked to learn that Dothraki boys shoot from horseback.
Theon is seen having sex with a red-haired lady, who we can assume is Rose. You remember, the one that he recommended to Tyrion? The one Jon Snow spoke fondly of? She's apparently good at her job. And her job today is having sex (doggy-style, of course, which we might as well just rename to "Game of Thrones style") with Theon. He asks her about what Tyrion's packing, but she just tells him that Tyrion is good with his fingers and tongue. Also he's a good tipper, but that might just be because the Lannisters are exceedingly rich. I bet Cersei's a lousy tipper, though. Theon tries to regain some ground by saying that the Greyjoys are also rich, but they're not, you know, Lannister Rich. Rose calls him "A serious boy with a serious cock," which I'm not sure is entirely a positive. Don't you want a cock with a fun side? Theon says he doesn't want to pay for it anymore, and Rose tells him to get a wife, then.
Kitty! There's a kitty in King's Landing! That makes it my new favorite location. Arya chases it.
Varys has come to Lord Stark's office, presumably to congratulate himself on being incredibly well-informed. He agrees that Bran will never walk again, but I have to think he's guessing. It's not like he has X-rays to refer to. But he tries to present a bright side: "I suffered an early mutilation myself. Some doors close forever. Others open in most unexpected places." Oh, that's nice. "Sorry your son's a cripple. If he studies hard, he could be as successful as me, a eunuch!" I guess that was what passes for small talk around here, because he has something to tell Lord Stark, starting with the fact that King Robert is a fool, and doomed. He's decided to share this with Ned because he's finally decided that he's a man of honor, and one of the few people in the city who can be trusted. I have a feeling that Varys thinks trustworthiness is a sign of idiocy. But he's still prepared to give Ned a clue about Jon Arryn's murder, which is nice. He was killed with the Tears of Lys, which are a poison as clear and tasteless as water. That sounds like a pretty good poison, actually. And Varys says that the king will be killed the same way. Ned quite naturally would like to know who killed Jon Arryn. The answer is, "someone who could afford it." And if Arryn was the Hand for years and years, why kill him after all that time? "He started asking questions." Well, that makes it a difficult murder to investigate, then.
Arya chases the kitty down some stairs. Don't be afraid, kitty! Arya isn't going to hurt you! Especially because she gets distracted by seeing a giant dragon skull. That thing is cool! She hears voices coming, so she hides inside it. It's a good thing dragons have big sinus cavities, right? Two men, who appear to be Varys and the guy who was putting Viserys and Daenerys up at his estate in Pentos (his name's Illyrio, incidentally) stroll past her, discussing recent events in a way that is an impressive combination of vagueness and ominousness. Ominosity? The point is that it's somehow important that Ned has "the book." Why? "The fools tried to kill his son. And what's worth, they botched it. The wolf and the lion will be at each other's throats." See? Who talks like that? Even if you know the Starks are the Wolves and the Lannisters are the Lions, it seems unnecessarily metaphorical. This is more direct, though: "If one Hand can die, why not another?" As they walk down a darkened corridor, the last thing Arya hears is, "Khal Drogo will not make his move until his son is born." When she's alone, Arya runs. But there's a giant lock on the gate so she can't get back out. She goes down some stairs, where there are probably even larger skulls.
Littlefinger stands in the throne room, looking at the throne. It's a giant room, and it looks pretty empty with just the throne sitting there. I think they should bring the dragon skull back up here. I realize that the Targaryens are the ones with "Dragon" as their animal, but it would really help out the room's decor. Varys slinks up and Littlefinger tells him that the first boy will be on the house. So is Varys not really a eunuch, then? Or what? Well, whatever Varys is into, Littlefinger is confident that his establishment will be able to provide it. Having established that, they then trade scandalous stories about other people. This guy likes amputees, that guy likes really young children, this other guy is fond of fresh cadavers. Littlefinger thinks to needle Varys by asking if someone has his testicles, perhaps in a handsome wooden box somewhere. Varys has no idea. Then they brag about how great their spy networks are by trying to impress each other by what they saw the other guy doing. Littlefinger, for example, knew that Varys was talking to Lord Stark earlier. This could probably go on all day (and it would continue to be awesome) but Renly Baratheon comes by to tell them that his brother (King Robert) is coming to the council meeting. This is unheard of!
Arya has presumably been crawling through the depths of the castle (which might parallel the way Bran kept climbing the towers, if you're willing to stretch a little) and comes out by some water, and I think she's outside the city gates. She looks dirty and disreputable, which just cements her as Everyone's Favorite Character. She goes into the city and is quickly stopped by a couple of knights. Well, they're dressed like knights, but they're just guarding the door, so that might be pushing it. On the other hand, Jaime had to guard the king's door that time, so I don't know. The door-knight tells Arya to push off, but she insists that she lives here and wants her father. The knight suggests that her father is probably lying drunk in a gutter somewhere. Then she turns on the "noble child" voice and imperiously informs them that her father is the Hand of the King, adding, "If you lay a hand on me, my father will have both your heads on spikes." That appears to be enough to get their attention.
In Lord Stark's chamber, Arya babbles frantically about how "they said they were going to kill you!" Who did? She doesn't know, although one of them was fat. Maybe. Ned seems to start taking her seriously when she says she was near the dragon skulls. Dragon skulls make everything more impressive! Anyway, Lord Stark now has a visitor: it's Yoren, from the Wall! I remember him! Sort of! Ned thinks he's got a message from Benjen, but he brings news that made him ride all night. Ned has Jory take Arya away. As they leave, Arya asks how many guards her father has. "Here in King's Landing? Fifty."
Back in the chambers, Yoren tells Lord Stark, "It's about your wife, m'lord. She's taken the Imp."
Speaking of Lady Stark, her tiny caravan (which might just be her, Sideburns, Tyrion, the minstrel, and that one sellsword) is stopped by armored riders. The leader of the riders asks if Lady Arryn is expecting her visit. She is not, because there wasn't time to send a message and arrange a convenient time to visit. The rider notices Tyrion, who's kind of scowling. I guess he doesn't like being held hostage or something. The rider is not pleased to see him and asks, basically, what's with the Imp? Why you gotta bring the Imp over here? Catelyn explains that he is her prisoner. The lead rider points out that Tyrion, who isn't restrained at all, doesn't really look that much like a prisoner. Catelyn's had enough of this and ends the discussion with "My sister will decide what he looks like." We then get a good look at the Eyrie, which is a giant mountain with vertical sides. And a castle on top. "The Eyrie," muses Tyrion. "They say it's impregnable." The sellsword answers, "Give me ten good men and some climbing spikes. I'll impregnate the bitch." I don't suppose there's any chance that Tyrion purposely delivered that straight line to make the guy feel clever?
Lord Stark storms through the castle like someone on a mission. A lackey tells him that there's a council meeting, but he has no time for that. He's looking for the king, you stupid lackey! Ah, but the lackey has the last laugh, because the king is the one who called the council meeting. Gotcha!
In the council meeting, Robert is displaying his usual tact and reticence by bellowing at the top of his lungs, "The whore is pregnant!" He wants to send some goons over to Vaes Dothrak to kill Daenerys and her unborn child. And "that fool Viserys as well." I love that even while Robert is freaking out at the prospect of a Targaryen coming back to challenge him for the throne, he's more worried about a baby than he is about Viserys. He has no time for Ned's complaints about honor, because honor doesn't keep the Seven Kingdoms in line. Ned says that killing Baby Targaryen would make them no better than the Mad King, which is not the sort of thing that Robert likes to hear. Varys says that his source is Jorah Mormont, who Stark immediately calls a traitor, and therefore untrustworthy. Littlefinger clarifies that Jorah was a slaver, not a traitor. Robert doesn't care about any of that and emphasizes that he doesn't want a male Targaryen at the head of a Dothraki army. He's all set to authorize some intercontinental assassination, but he wants his council to tell him it's okay. Everybody but Lord Stark is on board, so he tells them to get to work convincing Ned. Varys characterizes it as a vile thing, but one they must do. Pycelle asks how many innocents would die if the Dothraki were to invade, and describes it as not only wise, but kind. Renly thinks they should have killed the remaining Targaryens long ago. Littlefinger, if I have this right, says, "When you're in bed with an ugly woman... cut her throat." What? I may have missed part of his metaphor.
None of this convinces Ned, who decides that if everyone else gets to make a speech, he's damned if he's not going to get in a little oration himself. "The Robert I grew up with did not tremble at the thought of an unborn child." Robert is outraged at being defied, and he tells Ned to get with the program, "or I'll find me a Hand that will." Ned takes off the Hand's emblem. "Then good luck to him. I thought you were a better man." Uh oh. That's not the sort of thing that Robert likes to hear. As Stark walks out of the council meeting, Robert shouts after him, "Go! Run back to Winterfell! I'll have your head on a spike! I'll put it there myself! Shout, shout, shout." And so on.
Stark tells Jory to ride ahead with his daughters. He'll ride after them. It's definitely time to get out of town. But before this eminently sensib
le plan can be put into action, Littlefinger comes by to tell him that Robert's been shouting the word "treason" a lot. However, if Ned's willing to wait around until after nightfall, Littlefinger will take him to see the last person Jon Arryn saw. Ned doesn't think he has time. I think even if he has time, he should stop worrying about who exactly killed Jon Arryn and start worrying about himself. And it seems for a second that he's going to do that, but then he tells Jory to put all their men at the girls' bedchambers.
"You bring him without permission. Lysa Arryn is angry at Catelyn for bringing Tyrion to her castle without permission. Everyone's a little thrown by the fact that while Lysa's sitting on the throne, she's breastfeeding her son, who looks to be eight or nine years old. And he might be a halfwit, too. She gets kind of distracted and starts talking about what a good, strong boy her son is going to be, and Catelyn tries to get her back on topic. She reminds Lysa that she's the one who was sending letters around warning her about the Lannisters, but Lysa now says that was a warning to stay away from them, not an invitation to kidnap them and bring them over for tea. The young Arryn observes that Tyrion is little. Lysa agrees with him and tells him that Tyrion is the Bad Man who killed the Hand. Trion, who seems to be having trouble taking this seriously, observes that he must have been very busy, what with all the people he apparently killed. He also mentioned that his brother Jaime will probably wreak terrible vengeance on anyone who harms him. The kid freaks out, and Lysa declares that no one's hurting her baby. The kid calms down enough to say, "Mummy. I want to see the bad man fly." Even Catelyn, who is consumed with the need for revenge, has noticed that this place is ruled by some unstable weirdoes, so she makes a point of saying that Tyrion is her prisoner and shouldn't be harmed. Lysa has Tyrion thrown in a prison cell. And the Eyrie has an unusual dungeon, it turns out. Instead of being underground (and populated by manticores and dragons), the cell is cut into the side of the mountain. So there's no wall opposite the door. It just opens up to the sky. And it's so high, the sky is practically below the floor. Creepy.
The Knight of the Flowers and Renly Baratheon are lounging around. And I think there's a chance these gentlemen might be gay. I base that on the slow, tender way that Flowers is shaving Renly's chest. Renly is complaining that he's treated like a spoiled child, not like a warrior. Well, Flowers points out that Renly did throw up at the sight of a head with a detached eyeball. And Flowers is good at fighting because he works hard at it every day. Renly provides his perspective on Robert's urge to kill Daenerys: "Every time he talks about it, the table rises six inches." They then transition into talking about how much money the Lannisters have. Flowers suggests that he, too, is super-rich (but not Lannister Rich) and could provide Renly money if he were to become king. But Renly's fourth in line, so that's not going to happen right away. Flowers deliberately cuts Renly's chest to make him get used to blood. Then he kneels and, although the camera doesn't follow, there are some discreet slurping noises on the soundtrack.
Now it's time for a surprisingly sincere scene between Cersei and Robert. He's sitting alone, glowering at the world, and she enters and tells him that she's sorry his marriage to Ned Stark didn't work out. Very droll, Cersei. She's actually here to tell him that without a Hand, the whole kingdom will fall to pieces. And to Robert's surprise, she's not trying to get him to name Jaime as hand. I'm kind of surprised myself. She doesn't think he's serious enough. Well, if seriousness is what you want, Ned's definitely the man you want. Robert doesn't want to think about his domestic problems because he's obsessed with what will happen if the Dothraki cross the Narrow Sea. Cersei points out that the Dothraki fear the water, and also that they don't have any siege weapons, so all these giant castles will probably come in handy. Robert points out that if they just hole up in their castles, the Dothraki will rampage across the countryside, enslaving the people and wrecking up the wheat fields. And before too long, the people are going to question their king, who's acting like a coward. And they don't have a single army, because all the nobles have their own separate military forces. "Our purpose died with the Mad King," he says. Also, "Backstabbing doesn't prepare you for a fight. That's all the realm is now. Backstabbing and scheming and arse-licking and money-grubbing." Ah, good times. So the only thing holding the realm together is this marriage between two people that hate each other. "How long can hate hold a thing together?" "Well, 17 years is quite a long time." They may hate each other, but they seem okay with it.
Cersei changes the subject and asks what "she" was like. She means Lyanna Stark, Ned's dead sister and Robert's old fiancée. Robert asks why Cersei is asking, since she's never mentioned Lyanna before, even in passing. "I thought if I didn't talk about her, she'd just fade away for you. When that didn't happen, I didn't bring her up out of spite." "So why now?" "What harm could Lyanna Stark's ghost do to either of us that we haven't done a hundred times over?" Robert confesses, "I can't even remember what she looked like. I only know she was the one thing I ever wanted. Someone took it away from me and seven kingdoms couldn't fill the hole she left behind." Cersei tells him she felt something for him. Once. She asks if there was ever a moment when their relationship could have worked. He says there wasn't and asks if that makes her feel better or worse. "Doesn't make me feel anything." Exit Cersei.
A young lady tells Ned Stark that a baby "looks like him," what with the nose and black hair. And she would like to emphasize that she's been with no one else because "The King was always good to me." I'm not really surprised that Robert had all these bastards, nor am I shocked that he's not taking care of them the way Ned did with Jon Snow. But I'm a little appalled that the mothers are so open about it. Anyway, she says that when Jon Arryn came by, he wanted to know if the boy was happy and healthy. That doesn't seem like the sort of thing that you kill a guy for. Stark says the child will want for nothing. Well, except for the love of his father. Oops! Sorry, that was kind of a downer, wasn't it?
That scene, of course, was in one of Littlefinger's brothels. Littlefinger is lounging around in a different room. It might be an actual lounge, now that I think about it. Brothels are basically composed of bedrooms, lounges, and parlors, right? Well, and industrial-strength showers. Littlefinger cheerfully tells Ned that brothels are a better investment than ships, because whores rarely sink. Ned asks him what he knows about Robert's bastards, and Littlefinger's only guess is that Robert has a lot of them. More than Ned, certainly. He further speculates that Arryn was tracking them down out of some sort of fatherly love by proxy. Jory is momentarily distracted by boobies, but he leaves with Ned.
As soon as Lord Stark and Jory are outside the brothel, they're surrounded by Jaime Lannister and a bunch of guys with pole arms. For the old-school D&D players in the crowd, I will speculate that they're either bill-hooks or glaive glaive guisarme voulge glaives. Jaime's on a horse, probably because he thinks he looks good up there. He kind of does, actually. Jory is outraged at this, because Ned is the Hand of the King. But Jaime points out that he was the Hand until a few scenes ago. Littlefinger comes out to demand to know what's going on and Jaime tells him to get back inside and not bother the adults while they talk. Jaime asks if Ned has any idea what happened to Tyrion, and Ned promptly answers, "He was taken at my command to answer for his crimes." That's not even true, but I guess he has to stand up for his wife. And it's time for swords to come out. Boy, the Wolf and the Lion are fighting much earlier than I thought they would. Like, I thought Varys and Illyrio meant that forces were slowly aligning to bring the two houses into inevitable conflict, not that they'd be waving swords at each other before the end of the episode. Littlefinger runs off to call the City watch. Ned warns Jaime that if he kills him, Tyrion will die. Jaime considers this briefly. "You're right. Take him alive. Kill his men."
It's fight time! Jory goes directly for Jaime. And he immediately takes a knife to the eye. Oops! So Jory's dead now. So much for him. Now it's time for Ned and Jaime to fight. It's very fancy, and they're both clearly very good. But before the fight can go on too long, one of Jaime's soldiers stabs Ned in the back of the leg and he goes down. Jaime punches the soldier in the face, because he wanted to prove how great he was. But now that Ned's on the ground, Jaime can look down on him and tell him, "My brother, Lord Stark. I want him back." Jaime and his men leave while Ned lies bleeding on the street.
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