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In the land of the east, Daenerys makes friends with her new husband via the exotic technique of having sex while facing each other. It's all very romantic, I guess. Also, most of the nudity is performed by Khal Drogo, so, y'know. A little something for the ladies.
Lady Stark won't leave Bran's side, which everyone thinks is crazy. But it turns out to be a pretty good idea when a knife-wielding assassin shows up and she has to fight him off with the power of outraged motherhood before Bran's direpuppy rips out the assassin's throat. She also takes a moment to ask her husband not to have any more bastard children before he heads south with King Robert, Arya and Sansa.
On the trip to King's Landing, Prince Joffrey interrupts Arya as she's fencing with the butcher's son. In the ensuing clash of wills, Arya knocks Joffrey down and her direwolf bites Joffrey on the arm. This results in Arya sending her dog away and Sansa's getting killed even though it is a good dog and didn't do anything wrong. Poor doggie!
Also, Tyrion and Jon Snow go to the Wall. But it's a long trip and they don't quite get there, so they mostly just have character-establishing conversations.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Opening credits? At the beginning of the show? How novel. I thought everyone liked to have at least ten minutes of show before the credits. Not Game of Thrones, though. And it's got actual theme music and neat animation, too. As before, the key places in the credits are King's Landing, Winterfell, The Wall, and a hard-to-read place off to the east called "Vaes Dothrak." By the time the camera gets over to the Dothraki area, it's practically sideways, which makes it hard to read. I guess that's kind of symbolic, though. You know, because the Dothraki are foreign to the rest of Westeros. Let's go with that.
Incidentally, did you know this was directed by Tim Van Patten? He's directed a lot of stuff, but I still unfairly think of him as the guy from "The Master" and "The White Shadow." Too bad for him!
We start with a long procession of horses. This show represents Good Times for horse wranglers, I would think. There are probably whole ranches full of horses just waiting to get their big break in Hollywood. They're the descendants of the horses that used to be in cowboy pictures back in the 1930s or whenever they made a lot of cowboy movies. These horses here are Dothraki horses, although I don't know that they're going to have different horses for these scenes. There are only so many cowboy ranches in Hollywood. [I think the Dothraki scenes are filmed in Malta, these are probably Maltese horses. Ireland stands in for Winterfell, and I doubt they transport them all that way. - Zach] Daenerys is among the riders, and she's moping. Some guy who is neither Dothraki nor the advisor from the last episode advises her to eat some food and drink some water. That's the medieval version of "Girl needs to eat a sandwich." He hands her some horse jerky, which she doesn't seem excited about. He has some stories of the Shadowlands beyond the Shire, and there are ghosts and an end-of-the-world story and I wasn't really paying attention. Tell you what: if there are ghosts, I promise to come back to this episode and find out what he's talking about. He tells Daenerys that things will get easier, which is supposed to be read on two levels. The horse-riding level and the married-off-to-a-barbarian level.
When they get to wherever they're going (that map in the opening credits is not nearly specific enough for my taste) [Here's a better one. - Z], Daenerys is helped off her horse by that guy she was talking to and some young ladies in leather. To be fair, practically everyone is wearing leather. And it's probably horse leather, what with the jerky. Viserys is there, too, because he doesn't have anything to do other than hang out and wait for Khal Drogo's army to go make him King. This new advisor appears to be an exile from Westeros. Or at least an escaped criminal, since when Viserys asks, "What did Ned Stark want you for? Buying from a slaver?" the answer is, "Selling to one." Viserys doesn't mind hanging out with slavers, apparently. In fact, he's very free with the promises of rich rewards after he's king.
Hey! Doggies! And Tyrion. In the hay, because they're sleeping in the stable. Or the Starks might have hay-lined kennels, I guess. These doggies are of the non-dire variety. Tyrion's dog-assisted slumber is broken by Prince Joffrey, who snottily informs him that Cersei is looking for him because they're riding for King's Landing that night. Tyrion gets up and informs Joffrey that he should find Lady Stark and offer his deepest sympathies for the tragic accident that befell Bran. Joffrey can't imagine why he'd care about some kid he never even met, so Tyrion smacks him across the face. Wham! Joffrey is outraged. Wham! Wham! Tyrion again instructs Joffrey on what he's supposed to be doing. Joffrey shakily warns Tyrion that he won't forget being slapped around, and Tyrion seems pleased about that. You'd hate to go to the trouble of smacking a prince and have him forget that it even happened. Tyrion looks to the ominous soldier who accompanies Joffrey everywhere and says, "If he forgets, be a good dog and remind him." Remember that guy with the silly dog-shaped helmet? That's this guy.
Pleased with himself, Tyrion strolls into the dining hall, where the rest of the Lannisters are finishing their breakfasts. They're all yellow-haired, which I appreciate. The families seem to be color-coded, which makes it easy to identify someone if they haven't been formally introduced. I don't need to be told who these kids at the table are; they're clearly Emergency Bonus Lannisters, in case we need extras. On Tyrion's way in, he shouts demands for bread, bacon and beer. What more could you need, really? As he tucks into his B-themed repast, he addresses his "beloved siblings" Jaime and Cersei to tell them that Bran will apparently not die. "What do you mean?" asks Cersei, and she and Jaime share a look. Tyrion pretends not to notice this, presumably because he's got a lot of experience pretending not to notice what goes on between Jaime and Cersei. He changes the subject by observing that the charms of the North seem entirely lost on Cersei. He, meanwhile, is going to go even farther north to have a look at the Wall. Jaime suggests that he join the Night's Watch, but celibacy does not fit in with Tyrion's plans for the rest of his life. Or the rest of the morning, I'm guessing. However, he does plan to piss off the Wall. That means he's going to stand on top of it and micturate off the edge, not that he has a specific plan for angering it. Although I guess that might be a byproduct of the micturation, I guess. Jaime brings the discussion back to Bran and thinks it would be a mercy to kill the child before he grows up as a cripple. Tyrion, unsurprisingly, is rather on the side of the cripples in this discussion. Also, he wants to hear what Bran has to say. Jaime glares at him and asks whose side Tyrion is on. Tyrion claims to love his family, but it's not particularly convincing. Nor was it intended to be.
Lady Stark is waiting at Bran's bedside. Bran's bed is huge, and it's covered in furs. It looks incredibly comfortable, and I'm starting to think that maybe he's not really sick. I feel that way sometimes, and my bed isn't nearly as nice as his. Just thinking about it makes me wonder if I can somehow finish this recap from my bed. If there are several paragraphs composed of "ZZzzzzzzzz..." that's what happened. Cersei enters to offer her condolences (because she knows what's expected of a Queen) and inquire as to Bran's health (because she knows what's expected of a villain). She tells Lady Stark that she lost her own firstborn son to a fever. And he looked just like King Robert, who consequently went crazy and beat his hands bloody on the wall. ""They took him away and I never saw him again. Never visited the crypt." Well, thanks for your dead-baby story. I'm sure that will do wonders for Catelyn's mood.
Jon Snow is at the forge. One of the advantages of a genre show like this is that we can just assume that a castle like Winterfell has a forge. And Jon Snow is at it, which you'd know already if you bothered remembering the first sentence of this paragraph. He seems to be supervising the creation of a sword. Jaime is on a post-breakfast walk-and-sneer, so he asks if Snow's making a sword for the Wall. Snow says that he already has one. Jaime asks if he's swung it yet, then clarifies, "At someone, I mean." Jaime philosophizes about how we're all sacks of meat, then offers a weirdly intense handshake of congratulation for Snow's upcoming Wall-based life. He closes with, "I'm sure it will be thrilling to serve in such an elite force." To get the proper effect there, I'd like you to pretend that every word has sarcasm quotes around it.
Arya is packing her clothes while her direpuppy Nymeria helps. Snow enters and Arya complains about having to fold her clothes too many times. Apparently someone's been complaining about her packing style. She tries to demonstrate Nymeria's ability to help out, but she mostly just makes adorable confused-dog faces at her. Snow snarks, "Impressive." "Shut up. Nymeria! Gloves." Nope. I guess this dog is not a pack animal. Ha! "Pack" animal. I'm awesome. Snow tires of the Stupid Pet Tricks segment and tells her he has a present for her. She closes the door and he gives her a sword. He warns her, "This is no toy. Be careful you don't cut yourself." She complains a little bit about it being skinny, but, as he points out, so is she. It's a poky sword, not a slashy sword. Snow starts to teach her swordfighting: "First lesson: stick 'em with the pointy end." She claims to know what end to use. She goes to hug him, but he makes her put the sword down first. She names the sword "Needle" and presumably packs it away where no one will find it.
, Snow visits Bran. Lady Stark is not happy to see him there. He tells her, "I came to say goodbye to Bran." "You've said it," she pouts. He enters the room anyway and tells Bran that he's going north with Uncle Benjen and "taking the black." He promises Bran that he'll be able to come visit Castle Black when he's better. "We can go out walking beyond the Wall if you're not afraid." Bran just lays there, comatose. Lady Stark is crying and says, "I want. You. To leave." Lord Stark has entered the room, behind her. Snow kisses Bran's forehead. I think Lady Stark smiles a little. Exit Snow. The Stark parents are alone now. Well, except for Bran, but he's not bringing much to the party. Catelyn tells Eddard, "Seventeen years ago, you rode off with Robert Baratheon. You came back a year later with another woman's son. I know you're leaving again." He says that he doesn't have a choice because of honor and all that. She says, "You do have a choice. And you've made it." Zing. I guess.
Courtyard. Snow is making his final preparations for leaving when Robb comes up. Snow tells him that Bran will be fine, on the theory that "You Starks are hard to kill." He also claims that Robb's mother was basically polite. Robb says, "time I see you, you'll be all in black." Actually, Snow is practically in all black already. They hug. Ah, half-brotherly love. Snow saddles his horse.
Lots of horses. They're not quite as single-filey as the Dothraki. Lord Stark takes a moment to tell Snow that he's a Stark. "You might not have my name. But you have my blood." And Starks, he says, have served on the Wall for 8000 years. Snow wants to know if his mothers' alive. "The time we see each other, we'll talk about your mother. I promise." For some reason, Snow accepts this evasion.
King Robert and Lord Stark are having a lovely picnic. Because they're the aristocracy, they have chairs and a table and probably five kinds of mustard. But it's under a tree, so it still counts as a picnic. Robert wants to run off on the Kingsroad with Ned so they can terrorize some tavern wenches. Ned is more duty-oriented than that. Robert is in a nostalgic mood and brings up Becca, Ned's commoner lady. But Ned corrects him, that was Bessie, and it was one of his. Robert specifies that he's talking about "your bastard's mother." Ned says that the name Robert is searching for is "Wylla," but he refuses to tell Robert what she looked like. Robert needles him a bit, then admits, "I swear, if I weren't king, you'd have hit me already." Ned says that the worst thing about Robert being king is that now Ned can't hit him anymore. Just then! Robert has a message that Daenerys Targaryen has wed a Dothraki lord. It's nice to know that people on this continent are keeping track of the other storyline. Ned thinks it's pointless to worry about this, because there are hardly any Targaryens left. But Robert wants to kill every single Targaryen because of what Rhaegar Targaryen did to Ned's brother. Ned points out that the Dothraki don't even have ships, so any invasion they mount is going to be pretty ineffective. Robert says he's still called "the usurper" by some, which totally justifies his fear of invasion. "There's a war coming, Ned. I don't know when. I don't know who we'll be fighting. But it's coming." That seems ominous. I'm sure it'll come to nothing, though. I bet the "Game of Thrones" is just Chutes and Ladders.
Meanwhile, at every SCA event, the Dothraki are Dothraking it up with their tents and huts and leather mugs. In the big tent, Khal Drogo has sex with Daenerys from behind while a million billion candles burn merrily. She doesn't appear to be enjoying herself. He, however, does. I don't know if I emphasized enough that Khal Drogo is a big, muscular dude, so let me put it this way: he's playing Conan the Barbarian soon. So, you know. Picture that. While this is going on, Daenerys tries to distract herself by looking at her stone dragon eggs, which are surrounded by candles. I mean, everything in the tent is surrounded by candles (which seems like a bad idea for a house that's so flammable), but the eggs seem particularly candled.
Tyrion and Snow are out in the woods somewhere, and they're joined by a few surly, scruffy guys with tied hands. Great! Nothing improves a camping trip like prisoners. Tyrion explains that they're rapists, who were presumably given a choice between castration and the Wall. And that most rapists in that situation choose castration. He kind of needles Snow: "Not impressed by your new brothers? Lovely thing about the Watch. You discard your old family and get a whole new one." Snow feels the need to strike back, but the only thing he can think of to use as ammunition is the fact that Tyrion's reading a book. Tyrion explains that, as a dwarf, if he had been a peasant, he would have been left out to die, and then we wouldn't have had Peter Dinklage around to be awesome in this show. He shares some backstory, which I'm sure we all enjoy. So: Tyrion's father was Hand of the King for twenty years. Snow helps out with the backstory festival and points out that Tyrion's brother (Jaime) killed that same king. Then Cersei married the new king, and, says Tyrion, "my repulsive nephew will by the king after him." With that out of the way, Tyrion is prepared to explain why he reads so much: "My brother has his sword and I have my mind. And a mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone. That's why I read so much, Jon Snow. And you? What's your story, bastard?" "Ask me nicely, and maybe I'll tell you. Dwarf." There you go. You've got to fight fire with fire. Tyrion seems to respect Snow a bit more, so he takes the time to mock the general idea of defending the Wall. Apparently, the main job of the Night's Watch, as Tyrion sees it, is to defend against Grumpkins and Snarks. They're defended against snark, are they? Well, we'll see about that!
Maester Luwin enters Bran's room, where he is still comatose and Lady Stark is still sitting to his bed. Luwin would like to talk about the accounts and how much the royal visit has cost them. She doesn't care even a little bit about that stuff and directs Luwin to go talk to the steward. But the steward has gone south with Lord Stark, which means that Luwin would also like some new appointments made. And then Robb enters to save the day! Which means that he'll look at the accounts tomorrow. Luwin is satisfied and goes away, which leaves Robb to lecture his mother about getting on with things. He's also like her to tend to Rickon, who is six years old and has been basically neglected while she's been sitting there. I would have thought there'd be an army of nannies and such. Robb opens a window to get some air in there and there seems to be a lot of barking outside. Lady Stark wants the window shut, but before Robb can attend to that, he sees that there's a fire somewhere. Fire! He tells Lady Stark to stay there and rushes off to deal with things.
"You're not supposed to be here." Who said that? Oh, a goon! With a knife! He attacks Lady Stark. They fight. Lunge! Punch! Struggle! She grabs the blade of the knife to keep from getting cut up, and her hand gets pretty cut up. But then: Direpuppy Attack! Bran's direwolf is in there, and he's savaging the goon. Oops! Puppy in your neck! Not even a puppy anymore, I guess. Once you've killed your first assassin, you're an adult. Catelyn is exhausted. The wolf climbs up on the bed to lie down with Bran. He blends in with the bed! And now the bed is even more cozy and warm!
Daenerys has handmaidens! Literal handmaidens: they seem to be mostly attending to her hands. She chats with them, because they're the only people who speak her language and aren't her creepy brother and his creepy friends. Have they seen any dragons? No. They find that to be an odd question. I guess I would, too. One of them has a story about how there used to be an extra moon with a million dragons inside it. Another one finds this to be the most ridiculous story ever: "Moon is no egg. Mood is goddess. Wife of sun." Oh, sure. I can see that. Another one decides that cosmology is boring and instead tries to get some extra screen time by talking about how she became a professional handmaiden: "I was nine when my mother sold me to the pleasure house." That's a great story. Daenerys has a brainstorm: "Can you teach me how to make the Khal happy?" "Yes." "Would it take three years." "...No."
We see snowy mountains. Oh, and horses. Also, Tyrion, Snow and a guy. They see the Wall. It looks cool! That about covers it. Picture a big wall with three people looking at it.
Lady Stark looks at Bran's landing spot. Then she looks up at the tower. Up in the room where Bran fell from, she looks out the window. She studies the stones on the floor and brings up a long, yellow hair. See, the color-coding even helps the characters out.
In the Godswood, Lady Stark is talking to a squad of her trusted people, including Luwin, Sideburns, and the guy that's Theon Greyjoy even though he hasn't been given a name in the show yet. "What I am about to tell you must remain between us. I don't think Bran fell from that tower. I think he was thrown." Luwin points out that Bran was always surefooted. Also, the dagger the assassin used was too fancy. The hilt is dragonbone! Wait, really? Like, actual dragonbone? Or is this just something they call dragonbone? There's some argument, which leads to the question, "Is there going to be a battle in the Godswood?" The answer is "No." So it probably wasn't worth bringing up. Sorry about that. I just thought the sentence sounded cool. Luwin feels that Lord Stark must be told, and Robb's willing to go. But Catelyn says, "There must always be a Stark in Winterfell." She's willing to go by herself, and she doesn't want a large party. Sideburns insists on accompanying her. Robb asks, "What about Bran?" She says she's prayed to whichever old gods the Starks worship, so there's nothing she can do by staying. Robb looks disapproving, but he was the one telling her to get out of that room. I guess he was saying "Take care of your son, Rickon" rather than "Go on a long road trip after your husband."
Lady Stark goes up to Bran's bed and hangs up this giant nonsense that's kind of a cross between a Christmas wreath and a dreamcatcher. Crossed with some stuff she found in the gutters. I'm sure it's very symbolic or something. Anyway, now that there's some flotsam nailed to the wall, she feels that she's done everything she can for Bran, so she strokes his brow and gets out of there. His wolf is still on the bed, because a direwolf knows enough to hang out where it's warm and cozy.
Daenerys and her handmaiden are practicing the sex. It's all lesbotic and titillating, what with the handmaiden straddling Daenerys and rubbing up against her. She corrects Daenerys's fumbling, saying, "No, khalisi. You must look at his eyes always. Love comes in at the eyes." Along with the straddling, she's telling stories about legendary prostitutes. Daenerys isn't sure Drogo's going to go for all this, since his technique so far has been to mostly bend her over and take what he wants. As the handmaide gyrates on top of her, she explains, "Out there, he is the mighty khal. But in this tent, he belongs to you." "I don't think this is the Dothraki way." "If he wanted the Dothraki way, why did he marry you?" It's a decent point. Daenerys does some gyrating of her own.
Later (with candles still surrounding the eggs), Drogo enters his tent, bare-ass nekkid. There's his bare ass, right there. If you want my opinion, I think this guy works out. He starts to flip her over, but she's learned the Dothraki for "Tonight, I would look on your face." She rolls him onto his back. She's still wearing her dress, while he's still naked. After she does some gyrating, he sits up and does... something. Sorry, I can't really see down there, since the frame starts at the lower chest. She seems to enjoy whatever's going on, though.
Sansa walks her doggie through whatever encampment this is. The ladies in waiting look at her, and I can't tell if they like her. Suddenly, she is surrounded by scary men. One of them is that guy who likes dogs who follows Joffrey around. Another is an older gentleman who won't talk. She apologizes to the silent one in case she offended him, and it turns out that the Mad King had his tongue ripped out with hot pincers. Is the temperature of the pincers really the problem? Joffrey swaggers in and says that the mute guy is the King's Justice. And the dog guy is The Hound, which should be easy to remember. Joffrey dismisses him and invites Sansa on a lovely walk in the sun. She takes a moment to tell her direwolf, "Stay, Lady."
Arya and a red-headed kid fence by a river. I should clarify that they're practicing sword-fighting with sticks, rather than putting up an actual fence. Joffrey is walking Sansa on a nearby path and offers her some wine. She says her father doesn't let her drink all that much, but he says, "My princess can drink as much as she wants." They come upon Arya and the kid, and Joffrey is outraged that someone is threatening a princess. Learning that he's the butcher's boy does not calm him down. Arya insists that he's her friend, but Joffrey is in a mood to be a jerk. He takes out his real sword and tells the kid, "Pick up your sword, butcher's boy. Let's see how good you are." He claims that he won't hurt the boy much, but then he puts the tip of his sword on the kid's cheek and slowly presses inward to cut his cheek. Arya can take no more! She grabs her stick and whops Joffrey with it. Whop! Now Joffrey's furious: "I'll gut you, you little cunt!" Classy, right? They duel, and she's way better at it than he is, even though he's got a real sword. And then it's time for Wolf Attack! Joffrey is no match for a direwolf on his wrist, and falls. Arya takes the sword and threatens him. Joffrey begs for his life and Sansa tells her to leave him alone. Arya throws the sword in the river and runs. Sansa calls him "my prince," and he tells her not to touch him. But he's okay with her going to get some help.
Arya hides in the forest with Nymeria while people look for her. She hugs her doggie and tells her to run away. "Go on. Run! Go! Leave! Now!" And so on. The wolf looks back at her and she throws a rock at it. Aww. Poor doggie! A helmet pokes over the bushes.
That night, there are torches and dogs and Ned shouting for Arya. Eventually, someone tells him that she's been found and taken directly before the king for some kind of royal justice. Ned's furious (as usual) but he's told that it's the queen's orders.
Lord Stark rushes into a crowded room where King Robert appears to be judging Arya. You can tell how things are going by the fact that Cersei and Joffrey are both on Robert's side of the table, glaring at Arya. Ned demands to know why Arya wasn't brought to him immediately. Cersei puts her nose in the air and snots at Ned, "How dare you talk to your king like that?" Robert rolls his eyes at her, but she's not done. She informs Arya, "You and that boy beat him with clubs while you set your dog on him." Arya shouts that it's a lie. In fact, to save time, just assume that she's shouting that throughout this whole scene. The king says he's got two competing stories and doesn't know who to believe. Cersei calls Sansa forward. She doesn't go so far as to back up Joffrey's story, but she certainly doesn't suport her sister either, saying, "I don't remember." Arya grabs her hair and shouts "Liar! Liar!" Arya totally got the best of that fight. Arya's awesome! After the sisters are pulled apart, Robert declares that children fight and it's basically not that big a deal. Cersei says that Joffrey will bear the wolf scars the rest of his life. This doesn't generate as much sympathy as she was hoping, because Robert is contemptuous of his son whining after he let a little girl disarm him. He decides that the fathers will discipline their children, and that will be the end of it. Or will it? Cersei wants the wolf dealt with. But Nymeria's been sent away. So Cersei says there's another wolf hanging around that they could punish instead. Sansa realizes they mean to punish Lady instead, and she freaks out. Rightfully so, because Lady is a good dog. Lady's better than Sansa, frankly. Arya also freaks out, but it's decided. Lord Stark sends the girls to their rooms and says he'll deal with Lady himself. Cersei thinks it might be a trick, but Lord Stark says, "The wolf is from the north. She deserves better than a butcher."
As Lord Stark walks to Lady, he passes the Hound, who's got the body of a red-headed boy over the back of his horse. "The butcher's boy," observes Stark. "You ran him down." The Hound is laconic: "He ran. Not very fast." Well, I say he's laconic, but that might be the most he's said in the series so far. Oh, except for the part about that guy's tongue and the hot pincers, I guess.
Bran's doggie looks up from the cozy bed. Sansa's Lady is chained to a post. Ned strokes her head, takes out his sword, and the camera moves tactfully away. Bran's doggie sounds sad. Ned takes a breath and kills the dog. Bran opens his eyes.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read what the royal wedding could have learned from this show. And see what our vlogger thinks, below!
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