The episode begins with Nick and Ken at a garage sale. Nick's hair has grown out and it's just hanging in his face in beleaguered ringlets. Ken's hair has grown too, so they're both sporting longish versions of the "white man's 'fro." Tony Geary has much to answer for. Anyway, while picking through the items for sale, they declare them to be crap. Ken thinks he should have a sale because his crap is better crap. Nick can't understand why people have so many books as he peruses a table full of them "because it's not like you're gonna read a book twice." Then he spies a tiny set of bongo drums and decides to buy them so that they'll be able to play "Evil Ways." Ken remarks that this addition will bump the Andopolis drum kit up "to an even thirty pieces." Nick corrects him and says that it'll be thirty-one, y'know, since the set consists of two actual drums joined together.
, they're walking down the stairs into Nick's rec room and Nick cautions Ken that they have to be quiet because his dad is "pissed off" with him. Ken wonders it is because Mr. Andopolis has seen Nick's report card. Nick replies it's because he was playing "American Band" too loudly while his dad was watching 60 Minutes. Ken is the first to notice that all that remains of Nick's drum kit is the stool and a couple of cymbals, and he asks, "Where are your drums?" Nick just glares at the spot where his drums used to be, in front of the gigantic, surface-of-the-moon wall mural.
Cut to the kickass opening credits and I get a pang in my heart because I know that no new episodes are likely to be made. ["When they started, on this episode, I actually got a little choked up and remarked, 'It's been so long.'" -- Wing Chun]
Mr. Andopolis, formerly known as paramedic Roy DeSoto from Emergency!, is sitting in a leatherette chair, explaining to Nick that he got rid of the drums because they were making Nick "go deaf" -- otherwise Nick would have heard all the times he told him to "clean up his act." Nick protests that he was trying and his dad comments that if Nick had tried a little harder he could "end up living in a cardboard box." Nick says that he paid for the drums himself and that they were his "personal property." Mr. Andopolis says that his only personal property is his future, and then declares, "End of conversation." Nick claims that his father owes him money for the drums. His dad counters with, "How much did you spend on drums and how much did you spend on drugs?" Nick is momentarily flummoxed but then he blurts out, "Give me my money!" Mr. Andopolis rises out of his chair and charges toward Nick repeating, "End of conversation." Nick backs off and says that he's "outta there" and he hopes his father enjoys his "peace and quiet." What would nurse Dixie say about DeSoto's nasty side? Nobody was surprised when Randolph Mantooth went from being paramedic John Gage to scheming Clay Alden on Loving, but we all expected more from DeSoto.
In the cafeteria, Sam is doing an impression of Steve Martin from The Jerk, but it isn't very good, in my estimation. Sam claims it's the perfect movie. Neal arrives and pronounces Caddyshack to be the best movie, to which Bill agrees. I knew I loved those guys for a good reason. Bill does a pretty good imitation of Ted Knight as Judge Smales, rhapsodizing about his favourite golf club, Billy Baroo. Sam thinks that Caddyshack is "uneven," as is Stripes. I think Sam has unreasonable expectations of 1980s movies. In my recollection, Stripes sucked, Caddyshack ruled, and The Jerk was pretty dumb. Cindy Sanders arrives at their table, thus ending the debate. She asks to have a word with Sam. He gets up and follows her a few steps away from the table. Cindy delivers the news that she broke up with Todd. Sam extends his condolences but Cindy tells him not to be sorry because Todd is a jerk and jocks are only interested in one thing. She wants to know if Sam is going to be home that night because she wants to call him because she "really need[s] someone to talk to." Sam says, "Any time." Cindy smiles and plants a kiss on Sam's cheek. Sam stands there is a daze as Cindy walks away. Neal grabs Bill's arm and gasps, "Omigod, it's happening!"
Elsewhere in the caf, a hippy-ish chick arrives at her table to discover her chair gone. Her spacey tablemates are of no help, so she approaches the freaks' table to ask if she can take their spare chair. After she floats away, Ken says, "Grateful Dead. Music sucks, chicks are hhhhhot!" Nick asks for a neck rub but no one volunteers to give him one. Kim can't believe that Nick spent the night on Daniel's floor because his carpet is "like, infested." Nick says it was kind of better than sleeping in his Maverick. Lindsay asks if he's going to go home tonight and Nick replies, "No, not as long as that fascist is there." Nick asks Ken if he can stay at his house. Ken says his dad would have a "conniption fit." Daniel says that he would have him over again but that Nick blew it because he forgot to flush the toilet. He says that his mother almost had a heart attack. Nick claims that Daniel is joking when everyone else reacts with disgust. Daniel says he isn't joking and that he had to use a plunger. Nick begs him to not talk about it anymore. He looks at Kim and before he asks, she says no. Then he tries Lindsay. She says that if it were up to her, she'd say yes but, of course, her dad wouldn't allow it. Ken comments that if Nick had pretended to cry, he "would've been in" at Lindsay's. Nick looks embarrassed and angry.
In the Weir dining room, Lindsay asks her father why thinks a woman shouldn't be President. Dad Weir states, "It's called three irrational days per month." Sam smirks while Dad continues, "I'd have no issue with the other twenty-seven, but we're talking about the atomic bomb here." Mom Weir admonishes, "Oh, Harold." Lindsay cries, "Dad, that is so stupid. Y'know, men get periods too. It has to do with your body tide." Dad snaps, "My body does not have a tide." The doorbell rings and Mom sighs that "those religious people have been bothering me all day." Dad gets up and goes to the door muttering, "Can't a man finish his supper without those religious types bothering him?" However, it isn't the religious types: It's Nick. When Dad informs him that they're in the middle of dinner, Nick angles for an invitation by commenting on the way their dinner smells. He guesses that they're having "meat." Dad says, "Congratulations." Lindsay arrives at the door asking what he wants. Nick claims he just came by to say hey. Mom finally wanders to the door and after Nick repeats his compliments about ho good dinner smells, she invites him to join them. Nick says "that would rock" because he hasn't had dinner yet. He asks Dad Weir if it is okay with him and Dad unenthusiastically says, "That would rock." With a resigned air, Lindsay closes the front door.
At the table, Nick has a full plate and a full mouth. He raves practically unintelligibly to Mom that her pot roast is amazing. Nick, dude, it's called pot roast because it is cooked in a pot, not for any other reason. Mellow out. Lindsay is grimacing and appears to be nursing a small wound. Nick claims that it is better than his mother's cooking. Mom bashfully says that his mother must be doing something right nutritionally since Nick is so tall. Nick asks Dad if he sells sleeping bags at his store. Dad confirms that he does and he asks if Nick is going camping. Nick explains that he needs a good sleeping bag because he's sleeping on people's floors now. Lindsay can see where this is going and she grimaces even more. Mom wants to know "why on earth" he's sleeping on people's floors. Nick tells them that his father kicked him out. Lindsay quickly adds that he wasn't actually kicked out. Nick counters, "He sold my drums. That doesn't seem like an invitation to stay." Dad thinks that Mr. Andopolis must have had a reason and Nick says that his reason was that the drums were interfering with his schoolwork. Nick actually thinks that his schoolwork was interfering with his drumming. Dad asks how Nick is doing in school and Nick admits it is "terrible." Dad Weir offers to let Nick spend the night. Sam and Lindsay gape at their father and Lindsay says, "What?!?" Nick exclaims, "Really?!?" After Dad reissues the invitation, Nick gushes about how nice they are as he inhales more food. With a full mouth he tells Mom, "It's like you cooked this in heaven then brought it back down here to your table." Lindsay looks crushed and stupefied. Mom gushes, "Oh, stop!"
At school, Cindy calls to Bill to get his attention. She confides to him, since they're lab partners, that she and Sam had a great conversation yesterday and that she likes Sam. Bill replies, "Me too," and Cindy clarifies that she likes likes Sam. Cindy bleats, "It's like I never date nice guys, y'know. I should try it. I think I deserve to." Um, Cindy? You aren't twenty-five. Please don't start complaining about the lack of "nice guys" for at least another ten years. But to save you some time when you decide to write to Ann Landers for advice in the early 1990s, I'll tell you now what she'll say: Join a club, volunteer, attend religious services, yadda yadda, forty lashes with a wet noodle. Until then, consider taking a break from dating. It won't kill you, trust me. Anyway, she asks Bill if he thinks that Sam likes her. Bill plays it off rather smoothly by saying, "It's hard to tell." Cindy instructs him to find out for her and also relays the information that she wants Sam to ask her to Mona's party. Bill agrees and Sam and Neal enter the classroom as the bell rings. Cindy leaves and Bill takes his seat and tries to tell Sam what happened, but the teacher keeps shushing them. Sam looks miserable not knowing what they talked about.
In the parking lot, Daniel, wearing a longshoreman's cap and lounging on the hood of his car, tells Nick that he has to offer to give Lindsay a backrub as a way to get intimate with her. Nick, with huuuge pit stains, protests that he and Lindsay are just friends and besides, he thinks it is "really cool" of her parents to put him up, so he won't be trying anything. But he says that if Lindsay were to come to him in the night, telling him that she loved him, he wouldn't turn her down. Daniel and Ken smirk at each other. In Kim's car, Kim asks Lindsay if Nick tried to give her a backrub. Kim predicts that he'll try and she adds that if he gives her a foot massage she should run. Lindsay is horrified and wants to know what she should do. Kim counsels that Lindsay should kick him out. Lindsay whines that she can't, and Kim tells her that she's going to be in for a long night.
Under the stairwell, Sam doesn't believe what Bill has just told him about Cindy's desires. Sam threatens to stop being Bill's friend if it is a set-up. Bill assures him that it is true. Sam looks sick as he considers his options. They've moved out into the hallway and see Cindy and a few other cheerleaders flouncing by in their uniforms. Neal wonders what Sam's problem is because he's wanted Cindy for years, and he tells Sam to "go get her!" Sam squeals that he's scared. Sam gathers his wits and his confidence and walks to the other end of the hall to ask Cindy out. Cindy leaves her group to go talk to Sam and she's all nonchalant like she has no idea what he's about to say to her. He asks her to Mona's party and she accepts. From the other end of the hall, Neal says, "It's happening. They're smiling." Bill wonders if Sam will dump them if he starts going out with Cindy. Neal predicts that Sam will help them get to know Cindy's friends, especially Vicki, whom he loves. You might remember Vicki as the jack-booted head cheerleader who attacked Neal when he subbed for Sam as the school Viking mascot. Bill says, "You said they were pod people. A cult, you said." Neal admits that he said that but replies that it's one cult he wouldn't mind joining and he says, "Bring on the pods!" Sam and Cindy agree to meet at the party and she asks him to call her. She gives him a kiss on the lips before walking away. Sam is dumbfounded and Neal concludes, "It's on."
At the Weirs' house, Mom is reading the paper, Dad is doing paperwork, and Sam and Lindsay are doing homework. The peace is shattered by Rush's "Tom Sawyer" blasting away. The Weirs look at each other and Dad gets up and goes to Lindsay's room where Nick is crashed out on the floor with his head right by a speaker. Lindsay follows and listens at the door as Dad inquires about Nick's homework. Nick claims that since he is a drummer, listening to Rush's drummer, Neil Peart, is his homework. Dad Weir claims it isn't homework, it's screwing around. Dad advises him not to be so easy on himself, and adds that if Nick doesn't have real drums to practice on, he should go out and find two sticks and a rock to pound on. Yeah, cuz that would sound so much better than Rush. Dad comments that "Neil Peart couldn't drum his way out of a paper bag," and he offers to let Nick hear some real drumming. They listen to Gene Krupa and Buddy Rich and Nick wants to know how Dad Weir found out about them. Dad says that he grew up listening to them. Nick is blown away by their excellence and wonders how they got so good. Dad suggests that they probably took lessons. Nick says that maybe he should consider lessons.
Lindsay eavesdrops from the kitchen until Sam tells her about going to the party with Cindy. He tells her that he's worried about kissing Cindy "wrong." Lindsay says that "you can't kiss wrong." Hmm, that's not really the way I remember high school. I seem to recall plenty of "wrong" kissing going on. Lindsay tells him to relax and be himself, which is admittedly good advice, and to be a gentleman and not to be weird. Lastly, she tells him not to smother her. Sam asks if Nick smothered her and she says that he made her "want to move to a different country." They hear laughing over the music coming from the living room. When they get up to see what is going on, they discover Nick dancing with their mother while Dad snaps his fingers on the sidelines. Lindsay and Sam can't believe their eyes and Sam states, "I don't think Nick is in love with you, he's in love with Mom and Dad." Now all three are doing some individual free-form dancing and finger snapping. Nick exclaims, "This is the best family ever."
Lindsay is awake in bed when she hears a knock at her door. It's Nick, and he tells her that she doesn't have to open the door, he just wants to say thank you. He is standing outside her door wearing only bikini underwear and it is quite a pouch he is sporting. Lindsay urges him to go back to bed before her dad wakes up and catches him talking to her. Nick whines on and on and finally says goodnight. Lindsay gets back into bed then hears a crash and some groaning. She runs out to find Nick hopping around on one foot, in his undies. Nick clamps his hands over his groin and Lindsay clamps a hand over her mouth. Sam comes out and Nick blithers, "Hey, um, those are nice pyjamas." Sam snickers and Lindsay goes back into her room in a huff. Sam seems to be wearing cowboy jammies so I don't know what he's laughing about. ["Actually, I think they were Star Wars pyjamas." -- Wing Chun]
In the cafeteria, Neal envisions double- and triple-dating with Sam and Cindy, and Cindy's friends. Harris arrives and he congratulates Sam on his good fortune. Gordon thinks that Cindy should be thankful because Sam is "a catch." Neal tries to wheedle an invitation to the party but Bill doesn't want to go. Harris informs Sam that it is a make-out party. Bill launches into a tirade about how French kissing is gross even though he is unsure of the process. Neal tells him that the couple is supposed to touch tongues. Bill claims that he'll throw up in the girl's mouth if she put her tongue too far into his mouth. Sam's anxiety is rising with every passing second and he tells Bill to shut up. Neal reiterates that he wants to go to the party. Sam says that if he takes Neal and Bill, he'll have to take Harris and Gordon. Gordon says he can't go because he is saving his virginity for the future Mrs. Crisp. Geez, Gordon, the party isn't at Hef's mansion; I think your honour would remain intact. Harris declines the invitation too because he has a date with Judith and "every night's a make-out party with [them]." Neal is thrilled that Sam doesn't have any reason not to let him and Bill tag along.
Neal demonstrates his technique for making a bottle go exactly where he wants it to go, during spin-the-bottle. Neal purports to be quite the spin-the-bottle expert yet I don't know where he might have gained his experience. Bill worries that girls will be disappointed if the bottle points to him. Neal says he doesn't care, he just doesn't want them to look disappointed after he's kissed them because he's "going to deliver the goods." Bill wants to know if people French kiss during make-out parties. Neal says that not everyone does, but he does.
Bill vigorously brushes his teeth and tongue while Bob Seger's dreadful Katmandu plays in the background. Sam goes through his closet looking for something to wear. The Parisian nightsuit is considered for a moment, then thankgodfully hung back up. Neal comes out of his bathroom wearing a smoking jacket and he picks up a brandy snifter and struts over to the bed where he practices kissing a ventriloquist's dummy whose eyes roll around, presumably in response to Neal's kisses. The horror! Isn't he afraid of ventriloquist dummies like most normal people are?
Sam, Bill, and Neal are approaching Mona's house when Bill and Neal realize they are both wearing turtlenecks. Neal is forced to take his off because he is wearing another sweater over top of it. It turns out that Neal's is actually a dickie, which gives Bill a good laugh. Sam warns them to be cool and not embarrass him. They enter the house and Cindy greets them. She tells Sam that he looks good and he tells her that she looks beautiful. Neal and Bill linger at the foot of the stairs of the rec room. Neal is nervous because he thinks that it is going to be like in Animal House when Flounder tries to pledge a swanky fraternity and he is sent into a room with a bunch of other losers. Neal thinks they're going to be sent to a similar room. I don't think it was Flounder; I think it was Pinto and the guy who went on to play Elliott Axelrod on St. Elsewhere, but I don't have the encyclopedic knowledge of Animal House that I do of other movies of the period. They muster up their courage and decide to mingle.
In the Weir dining room Nick is setting the table and Mom asks him and Lindsay if they had a good day. Nick says he had the best day ever because he took his first drum lesson. Lindsay wants to know how he could afford it, and she finds out that Nick is working at her father's store to work off the money he borrowed for the lessons. She asks her dad why he is so reasonable and helpful with Nick's problems, when all he does is yell at her. Dad responds that he expects more from Lindsay than he does from Nick, and that he understands what it's like to have a hard man as a father. Lindsay says she also knows what it is like. Dad very seriously says, "Lindsay, trust me, you don't."
The spin-the-bottle game is in full swing at the party. Cindy keeps getting to kiss everyone but Sam. A couple has to leave the circle for their "seven minutes in heaven" since they had to kiss three times in a row.
Mr. Andopolis arrives at the Weirs' and Dad introduces himself. Nick's father says, "It's time to come home," and Nick says, "Okay." Dad Weir asks Mr. Andopolis if he can speak to him in private. On the way to the kitchen, Mr. Andopolis glares at Nick. Dad Weir tries to get Mr. Andopolis to ease up on Nick but Mr. Andopolis tells Dad W to call him when Sam turns sixteen.
Bill and Neal rush to fill in the empty spaces in the circle. Vicki is less than thrilled by their appearance. Neal spins the bottle and it keeps pointing to Bill. Bill kisses Vicki's hand, then her cheek. Then Vicki spins and the bottle points to Bill, meaning they have to go into the laundry for their seven minutes in heaven. Neal is not getting any action and he's quite bitter about it.
At the Weirs' house, Mom and Dad say goodbye to Mr. Andopolis, who thanks them for letting Nick stay. After his dad goes out to the car, Nick asks if they're sure they don't want to adopt him. Mom tells him to stop by any time. Nick thanks them again and leaves.
Back at the party, Sam and Cindy go into a bedroom to "talk."
In the laundry room, Vicki warns Bill against trying anything with her. Bill points out that she is being very jerky because he has no desire to kiss her. She apologizes for her behaviour. Bill asks what it is like being pretty. They actually have a conversation and get to know each other a bit better.
Lindsay tells her father that what he did for Nick was very nice. He apologizes for not talking to her the way he talks to Nick but he explains that since she is his daughter he worries every time she is out of his sight. Lindsay says that she can't stay inside all of the time. Dad says, "I know. [beat] Why not?" They both laugh and Lindsay gets up to hug him. It is a very sweet moment.
Back in heaven, Vicki and Bill laugh and then she says, "What the hell," and grabs Bill. Their making out is accompanied by Bob Seger singing, "Some day lady, you'll accompany me." Somehow, I don't think Bill is too chagrined to be experiencing French kissing for the first time. I guess it could be worse and Bob Seger could be singing about "points all her own, sitting way up firm and high," in which case Gwen would have had a seizure by now. I know the show is set in the Detroit area and Bob Seger is from there, but, come on!
Bob Seger is still singing when Sam asks Cindy if he can kiss her. They start to kiss and she pushes Sam onto his back on the bed. Then she gets up to turn off the light.
Neal pounds on the laundry room door to inform Bill and Vicki that their seven minutes were up five minutes ago. They're oblivious to his shouting and keep kissing. Neal keeps knocking and saying, "Bill, hello. Hello, Bill."
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