Oh my God, I can't believe we finally get to see Bill dance. He's dancing to "Space Funk," and I'm not sure whether he's trying to do The Robot or some elementary breakdancing or what. Hey, for all I know, he could be attempting ballet. Don't forget, Bill may just be the most uncoordinated man on the face of the planet. Sam tries to tell him that the dancing is not sexy, while Neal opines that it looks like Bill "is having a seizure." Bill, unfazed, insists that "women love this." Okay, Bill, I'm a woman and I certainly love it, but probably not quite in the way you intended. Would I ever consider having sex with anyone who danced like that? I think it's safe to say no. Bill says, "[Women] don't care that Rerun's fat because he's got the moves." Sam and Neal turn down Bill's invitation to join him in expressing themselves through dance, even after Bill says, "Come on, Sam, shake it. You won't break it." Or maybe it's especially because Bill says that. You know, there's probably more to this episode, but I'm content to rewind this part over and over and watch Bill's facial expressions while he "dances." I hope I don't wear out the tape Kim so kindly lent us so that we could complete these recaps. What's that? You want to hear what happens in the rest of the episode, too? Well, okay, but let me just watch Bill dance a little more first. Oh, I guess Neal doesn't feel the same way; he turns off the music. Bill wails, "You cut me off mid-funk!" He still insists that these moves will "impress the ladies." He hasn't proved this theory yet, but he seems pretty confident anyway, in that special Bill Haverchuck way. Neal claims that while Bill's dancing certainly won't impress women, he knows what will: "I've discovered something that will change our lives. It will bring us power, respect, and money." Sound too good to be true? That's because it is. After a huge build-up, Neal brings out...a ventriloquist's dummy. Shudder! Ugh, those things always creep me out, and this one, dubbed Morty, is no exception. If there are any women anywhere who would be impressed by Morty -- and I'm not sure that there are -- then I'm sure I don't want to meet these chicks.
The freaks walk into a liquor store. It looks like Daniel may have just shoplifted something. He's zipping up his jacket in a highly suspect fashion, and there's a weird bulge underneath it. All three freaks are staring at the cashier -- a punk girl sporting black lipstick and long, spiky, dyed blonde hair that has the same basic shape as the sword fern plant in The Sims, although it's not quite as fuzzy. I'm really not making fun of her, since I'm quite fond of punk music and don't mind the general aesthetic. I'm just a little surprised at how freaked out the guys are by this girl, whose name is Jenna Zank. Isn't this already 1980 or 1981? It's not like punk was an entirely new thing by then. Then again, maybe it is in their town. We finally get to learn the name of their town, by the way: it's Chippewa. As Ken so eloquently puts it when he finds out that Jenna dropped out of high school: "Why would you drop out and stay in Chippewa? That's crazy." I used to wonder that about my hometown, too. Daniel thinks Jenna is hot, though Ken compares her to a clown.
Mr. and Mrs. Schweiber are at the dinner table. Neal is not there, though his creepy dummy Morty is. I'm struck anew by how closely Mr. Schweiber resembles Bill Clinton. The Schweiber parents mildly snipe at each other over a party they're giving. Then Neal comes in; his mom asks, "Do you want to tell your dad about your History test?" Neal received a D on it, for which Mr. Schweiber puts Neal down. Mrs. Schweiber points out that it's not the only bad grade he's received lately. She asks, "Do you think that maybe Morty is distracting you a little bit from your studies?" It certainly wouldn't surprise me if that were the case. If I had Morty in my bedroom, I'm sure I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink, which definitely would affect the rest of my life. After promising to try his hardest in school, Neal asks to be excused to watch Willie Tyler and Lester on Hollywood Squares. There are so many things wrong with that, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Over at the Weir house, Dad is trying to skip out of the Schweibers' big annual bash. He asks, "What kind of doctor invites his patients over to listen to his dental jokes? It's sick!" Mom insists that they must go. Lindsay suggests that she not attend, but I guess Dad Weir wants to share the misery, and tells her, "I don't see why you should get out of it. He's your dentist, too." This prompts Lindsay to suggest switching dentists, an idea that appeals to her father. Mom Weir puts an end to the conversation by telling Dad that he has to go, and Lindsay that she is exempt.
At school, Neal opens his locker to reveal the foul dummy. Bill and I shriek simultaneously. Sam is surprised that Neal is now bringing Morty to school. Neal tries to glam it up by calling it a "figure" rather than a "dummy," but he's really not fooling anyone. Especially Bill, who says, "Tell it not to talk to me!" He's visibly disturbed by Morty, even though Neal is such a bad ventriloquist that it takes away some of the scariness of the dummy, or figure, or whatever the hell you want to call it. Sam asks Neal what he's rehearsing for, and Neal replies, "For life." He feels disillusioned by his father's infidelity; he says that he can no longer rely on his parents, and must take control of his own life. That's all very wise and insightful, except for the part where he claims he can make big money through Morty. Bill succinctly sums it up by saying, "Ventriloquism isn't funny." Amen, brother.
Daniel is leaving for school when his mother tells him he must pick up painkillers for his father. It sounds like Mr. Desario has some sort of pretty serious illness, though no one specifies what it is. Daniel says that he doesn't want to be late for school, but his mother doesn't seem to care. That is so sad. Daniel has an unemployed brother whom his mother won't trust to pick up the painkillers. She insults Daniel by saying that he is "the oldest junior in Michigan." When he threatens to drop out so that he can "bring home a whopping $2.50 an hour," his mom says, "You know I wouldn't turn that down." Wow, this is really making me appreciate my own parents even more. Daniel's home life sounds so bleak. He gives in and agrees to get the pills for his father.
When Daniel finally gets to school, Kim is angry with him for being late, since he had some class notes of hers that would have helped her pass a test. She calls him "the most unreliable guy on the face of the planet," which must hurt especially badly right around now. Daniel calls her a bitch, though the Fox Family channel blanks it out. Kim replies, "Why don't you enjoy spending the rest of your life alone?" Daniel disgustedly waves at her and walks off.
In Biology class, Mr. Lacovara (a.k.a. Trace Beaulieu) says that he has not received a report from Neal. Neal goes into his class-clown routine, pretending that he didn't want to waste the paper it would take to write down his report, since he's concerned about the rainforests. Lacovara sends him to the principal's office. I imagine he's punishing Neal for insolence, though the real crime here is just how unfunny Neal's class-clown schtick is. I think that's intentional on the part of the show's writers, though.
In the school hallway, Ron Lester -- or as I think of him, Sugar Daddy from Popular -- has some girl up on his shoulder; he's spinning her around while she shrieks, and not with joy. Lindsay calls SD a bully and kicks him. He yells at her and calls her a "burnout." Mr. Botwinick breaks up their fight and assigns them both to detention. Sugar Daddy calls Lindsay a burnout once more, just for good measure, before he departs. When Lindsay tries to tell Mr. Botwinick that she was only helping out the girl who was being tormented, he just says, "It looks like she can take care of herself." Against Sugar Daddy? I don't think so. He's a pretty big guy. Mr. Botwinick seems like he may just be a little prejudiced against Lindsay because of her appearance.
In Mr. "Call Me Jeff" Rosso's office, Jeff is blowing his nose at great length while Neal rolls his eyes. Rosso apologizes and says he picked up a "little bug on the weekend -- long story." Mercifully, he does not share that story with us. I'm still traumatized from the time he described to Lindsay how he picked up VD at a disco cum bowling alley. Neal gives a very insincere apology, but Jeff won't let him go so easily; he says that Neal's falling grades and the fact that he's starting to get into trouble are "warning signs." He offers to help, but says that he can't do so unless Neal talks to him. Thank God he doesn't use the word "rap." Neal's in denial, but Rosso keeps encouraging him until Neal finally allows: "My father is a womanizer. He's cheating on my mother and she has no clue. And I have to decide whether or not to tell her." It looks like Rosso was expecting to hear something a tad less serious than that.
Daniel walks into his bedroom. His mother yells at him to be quiet so that his father can sleep. Daniel puts on a Black Flag LP and listens to "Rise Above" over his headphones. He seems to find it comforting. I can totally understand that.
In the detention hall, Lindsay is getting yelled at for doing her homework. Botwinick tells her that the point of detention is "to think about what you've done." Lindsay regales him with a well-reasoned argument about why that is the most asinine thing she's ever heard. I couldn't agree more. Botwinick is obviously a moron, though, and he gets off on his pathetic little power trip by assigning Lindsay two more detentions. Man, I hate people like that.
Lindsay is ranting to Kim, who looks a little bored, about the mediocrity of the school. Kim usually looks a little bored, though, so it's hard to tell for sure. Maybe she's preoccupied with Daniel. Kim tells Lindsay that she dumped him. Lindsay tries to put a good spin on it and congratulates her. Kim looks slightly less surly after that.
Neal is turning stomachs in the cafeteria by putting on an impromptu show with Morty. His jokes are about as funny as you would expect from a ventriloquist. A bunch of girls are looking over and laughing, but I hardly think they're laughing with Neal. Deadpan, Bill asks Sam, "Do you see another table open?" Neal just can't see that he's embarrassing himself and his friends. Sugar Daddy calls out, "Nice doll. Did it come with a dress?" Neal...I mean, "Morty" calls back, "Nice head. Did it come with a neck?" Sugar Daddy threatens Neal some more, offering to kick his butt, until Kowchevski breaks it up by insulting Sugar Daddy about his weight. What a delightful and sensitive man. McKinley High is just brimming with people like him, it seems. Neal continues with his ventriloquism, much to Kowchevski's disgust.
After school, Sam and Bill are in the Weir kitchen, discussing the recent changes in Neal's behaviour. Regrettably, Bill does not dance. He does, however, explain why Morty creeps him out so badly: it's because of that cheap horror flick Magic. I never saw the movie, but the ads for it used to scare the hell out of me. It sounds like it's the one where the dummy comes alive and tells the ventriloquist to kill people, which is totally believable to me. ["According to the IMDb, you're right." -- Wing Chun] Sam half-heartedly tries to stick up for Neal, but Bill is still pissed. He asks, rhetorically (I guess), "You get to be a jerk just because your dad's having an affair?" Sam goes back to looking dejected.
Daniel finds himself back at the liquor store where Jenna works. This time around, it looks more like it could be a variety store, but I guess it doesn't really matter. Daniel asks Jenna whether she remembers him. She coyly answers, "Maybe." The best he can do for a pick-up line is the rather unfortunate, "So how's the dropping out going?" Jenna says something to the effect that there are fewer idiots hassling her now. That's exactly the sort of answer that would appeal to Daniel. Jenna asks about Daniel's "psycho girlfriend." He says that he and Kim no longer share the same interests. It's a pretty clever approach, because it allows him to continue, "She's not into current affairs; I am." Uh huh. Like that's believable. Daniel adds, "I'm a punker; she's not." Smooth, Daniel. Except Jenna points out that what punkers don't do "is call themselves 'punkers.'" She does soften it with a wink, though, and tells him that, on Saturday, he will be at a punk club called the Armpit. He says he will see her there.
Bill asks Sam, "If I pulled the fire alarm, would all the girls get dressed before they ran out of the locker room, or would they just run out naked?" What a Bill question. Neal comes along, still toting the loathsome Morty, and asks where they were at lunch. He claims he made the lunch ladies laugh with some of his stupid-ass ventriloquism. Sam and Bill are saved from having to admit they didn't want to be seen with Morty when Neal's brother Barry walks up. ["Barry is played by the totally excellent David Krumholtz." -- Wing Chun] He and Neal seem very fond of each other. Sam and Bill are pretty happy to see Barry, too. He's cute and charming, so I don't mind seeing him, either. Lindsay walks by and warns Sam not to tell their mom that Lindsay is in detention. She sees Barry and looks pleased. Barry says that Lindsay looks "hot," and tells Neal that he should spend more time at the Weirs'. Neal pipes up, "Believe me, I've been trying," but Lindsay is oblivious. She's more interested in asking Barry about college. Barry finds it "tremendous." When Mr. Kowchevski comes along to break up the conversation, Barry tells him to "shove it." Kowchevski orders Barry to leave. Barry complies, but not before asking Lindsay whether she'll be at his parents' party. She says she will -- which is certainly a switch from the way she felt before. Kowchevski says, "God, I hate it when they come back."
It's time for dinner at the Schweiber house. The family has exceedingly ugly dishes, with some sort of floral and latticework design. Barry rises even higher in my estimation when he insults fraternities. Mr. Schweiber seems like the sort of guy who would defend them, and sure enough, he does. Barry counters with a description of a fun little hazing ritual: "You have to pick up a meatball with your rear end and walk it to the other end of the room, and if you drop it on the way, they make you pick it up and eat it." I'm sure he's not lying, since I've had the misfortune of accidentally witnessing an event similar to that, although the prop was a 45 RPM record rather than a meatball. That's probably a little less disgusting than Barry's version, but not by much. Mrs. Schweiber presses Barry to name his major, and Mr. Schweiber asks how he's doing with the ladies. Barry says he's "playing the field" at the moment, which seems to please Dad -- who is, of course, a philandering piece of crap. Mr. Schweiber says, "You're a Schweiber man -- irresistible to the ladies!" Neal looks very uncomfortable with the turn this conversation has taken.
Daniel is trying to make his leather jacket look old and beat-up by whacking it, first with a boot and then with a hubcap. He should do what people do at my sister's alma mater when they get their leather school jackets: they have this tradition of throwing the jacket onto the sidewalk kicking it all the way home. I'm not saying the idea has any redeeming qualities, but it would be fun to watch Daniel do that, and it does seem to mess up a jacket pretty well. Daniel also tarts up his outfit with some strategically placed safety pins and holes. I wonder whether he knows that trick of wearing holes into your jeans with a pumice stone. Not, of course, that I was ever shallow enough to do that when it was trendy back in the '80s. When Daniel has achieved the look he wants, he screams at his reflection in the mirror and then moves on to doing his hair. He cracks a couple of eggs into a bowl and gets ready to put them on his hair. We never get to see that, actually, since I can't imagine that James Franco felt like putting egg onto his hair. I don't think I would, either. After all, hair products have come a long way since the original "punker" days. There's that crap that makes your hair look greasy and dirty as soon as you step out of the shower, so I'm sure that, by now, somebody's invented a formula more hygienic and easy to wash out than egg whites are.
Oh God, not another of Neal's terribly unfunny "comedy" routines. Please, make it stop! The only remotely redeeming thing about this one is that Morty's not involved. Apparently, this routine is something Señor Wences used to do, and while I've heard of him, I'm happy to say I've lived thirty-four years without being exposed to any of his "classic" "comedy," and I hope to live at least another thirty-four years in the same state. I'm sure that, in this case, ignorance is bliss. ["It is." -- Wing Chun] Barry tells Neal that the bit is "creeping [him] out." I don't think anyone was saying that back in the early '80s, but I won't argue, since it so accurately describes my feelings toward Neal in this episode. Barry adds, "I don't know what you're trying to accomplish." Neal gathers up his courage to tell Barry about Mr. Schweiber's philandering. It turns out that Barry already knows, and that their dad's current girlfriend is not his first. Neal wants to know why Barry has never shared this knowledge with him or their mother. Barry says he didn't want their parents to get divorce and break up the family.
I guess Daniel is bringing Ken and Nick to the Armpit -- you know, the revoltingly named punk club. Ken, on the prospect of Nick's getting lucky tonight: "All these punk girls hate themselves. It's got to improve your chances." Nick deadpans, "That's really, really funny," waits a beat, and then whacks Ken in the stomach. Just then, Daniel drives up in his ugly, ugly car. His "punker" hair leaves something to be desired. It pretty much looks like he was playing with his hair in the shower and forgot to wash the shampoo out. Ken laughs at him, but Nick tries to a little kinder at first. He gives in to temptation, though, and asks Daniel, "Can I use you to clean out my ear later?" Ken adds, "Edgar Winter called. He says he needs his hair back for a gig tonight." I know that joke was overdone years ago, but it still cracks me up every time. Daniel's not laughing, but that's probably because he's concentrating all his energy in trying to look cool.
Dad Weir is helping Mom with her coat in preparation for the big Schweiber blowout. She yells to Lindsay that they will all be back early. Lindsay comes out in a party dress and says that she changed her mind about attending the party. Mom tells her she looks great. It's true. Lindsay pretends that she changed her mind because she's a part of the Weir family and because Dr. Schweiber is her dentist, too, but I suspect it has a lot more to do with Barry Schweiber than it does with his father.
Mr. Schweiber is greeting his guests at the door, asking them glib and tactless questions about their dentistry and then not waiting for the answers. He spends a little too long eyeing Mrs. Weir and calls Lindsay a "looker." When he gets to Dad Weir, he puts on his macho bonding voice to ask, "Big Harry, need a drink?" Dad Weir replies with a terse "Yes, I do," and not even a glimmer of friendliness. Big Harry hands over his car keys to Mrs. Weir, saying that there's no way he can listen to Schweiber's awful jokes "without plenty of anesthesia." Barry and Lindsay are extremely pleased to see each other. Their chemistry is totally believable and charming.
At the Armpit, a live band is playing some fairly decent punk. Daniel asks his friends how they like the club. Ken likes the fact that no one carded him, and says he'll be at the bar. Daniel bumps into a guy who takes a swig of beer and spews it out of his mouth again like a geyser before screaming "yeah!" in Daniel's face. Daniel screams right back. I'm not quite sure what to make of social interaction like that, but Daniel seems happy.
Barry and Lindsay are chatting it up alone at the Schweiber party. Barry is telling her how much he hates being asked, "What's your major?" Lindsay says she doesn't know what she will major in, but that she'll probably just be glad to get out of high school. They're interrupted by one of Mr. Schweiber's business partners, who comes over to ask Barry, "Have you chosen a major yet?"
At the Armpit, Ken is annoyed because the bartender ignored him and only "serves people with stupid haircuts." Do sideburns qualify? Because I think you've got that covered pretty well, Ken. Daniel ditches his friends when he sees Jenna. At first she doesn't recognize him. When he claims that his punk outfit is the "real" Daniel, Jenna is shallow enough to seem attracted to him. She leads him out onto the dance floor. Daniel's really trying hard to fit in, and he's not doing too badly at it, even though he gets the bands mixed up.
Mr. Schweiber is just finishing off a lame dentist joke, and Dad Weir fake-laughs ostentatiously. Schweiber trots off to refill Big Harry's drink, at which point Harold exclaims, "A dentist joke!" and fake-laughs even more ostentatiously. It's safe to say he's pretty anesthetized by now.
Barry and Lindsay are discussing conspiracy theories when Barry uses the word farkakte. He explains that it's Yiddish for "lame." He invites Lindsay to take a walk with him.
Daniel gets accidentally kicked in the head and leaves for the bathroom. He's really on the defensive, and when another guy complains that there are so many poseurs at the club tonight, Daniel tells him he's not one and indicates the lump on his head. The other guy says, "I ain't calling you a poseur, man. Relax." Daniel looks in the mirror and sighs.
Lindsay and Barry discuss drug use; Barry says that marijuana makes him paranoid. I think we already know what it does to Lindsay. She calls it farkakte, and Barry praises her "perfect use of the word." Lindsay goes on to describe her friends as "fun" and "funny," but laments that they don't "inspire or challenge [her]." Barry tells her not to worry, as he extols the virtues of college social life, in which you get the chance to remake your image completely. As an example, he tells of how he made himself over from the guy who got beat up every day to "the handsome, dashing Jew." He tells her that he will give some thought to how she should remake her image. Then he leans in and kisses her.
Back at the party, Neal is watching his parents flirting -- with each other, for a change. He mocks his father to Bill, who is more interested in watching Fantasy Island. Man, that brings back memories. Saturday night use to be the absolute best TV night when I was young and geeky. Battlestar Galactica, The Love Boat, and Fantasy Island, all on one night! I'd kill for a TV night like that now that I'm old and never go out on Saturday nights anymore. Mr. Schweiber proposes a rather nice toast to his wife. Neal rolls his eyes and leaves to go for a walk. You already know he's going to see Lindsay and Barry kissing, right? Because even on a good show, there are rules governing the way these things are handled. Barry and Lindsay stop kissing and greet Neal, but he just apologizes for interrupting and turns to leave. It hasn't exactly been a great week for Neal.
Back inside, Mr. Schweiber tries to coerce Neal into putting on a ventriloquism demonstration. Man, he must be pretty wasted to seek out something like that deliberately. He puts the question to the room and receives what the closed captioning calls "light applause." Well, duh. Mr. Schweiber tells Neal to get his "dummy." Neal gets all pissy as he corrects his dad on the nomenclature.
Daniel ventures out into the club again and sits down to Jenna. He gets all macho about the bump on his head, calling it "just another battle scar." Whatever, Daniel, you poseur. Because he just hasn't been macho enough today, he decides to get a nose piercing from a woman who is doing them at the club. Nick tries to stop him, but he waves his friend away. The piercing woman briefly numbs his nose with ice and then says that on the count of three, she will push the nose ring through his skin. Sounds hygienic. While the piercing woman is counting to three, Daniel gets distracted by Jenna's calling out to some guy named Billy and kissing him passionately. When Daniel turns his head, the piercing incident turns ugly; Daniel ends up bleeding profusely and looking humiliated. Nick makes it worse by telling him how gross it is, but Ken doesn't even notice because he's far too busy dancing.
Mr. Schweiber introduces "Neal and Morty," to polite applause. Please, please let this be Morty's final appearance. ["Evidently you've forgotten that time that Neal and Morty made out." -- Wing Chun] Neal starts off by having Morty make a joke about how all the guests' teeth are "terrible." It's not funny, but everyone laughs anyway. Mr. Schweiber laughs the loudest of all. Neal's ventriloquism skills have improved immensely, but that's like saying that someone is a really good mime. No one wants to see that person perform, so who cares how skilled he or she is at something that sucks? One of the jokes is not bad:
What's the difference between a proctologist and a dentist?
One's a doctor of the ass, and the other's an ass who's a doctor.
Okay, it's really not a very good joke after all, is it? Big Harry's laughing pretty hard, though. Either he's totally ripped by now, or he enjoys seeing Mr. Schweiber humiliated. I suspect it may be a bit of both, actually. The jokes get fewer and fewer laughs (except from Harold Weir, of course). Morty says that he would never let Dr. Schweiber put him under anesthesia: "The thing you know, I'll wake up and my wisdom teeth will be gone, along with my virginity." This silences the crowd pretty effectively. Even Big Harry's not laughing anymore. Mr. Schweiber walks over to Neal and announces that the show is over. He's the only one who applauds, though. When he tries to take Morty away from Neal, Neal freaks and runs off. Mrs. Schweiber follows him. Bill turns to Sam and says, "See? I told you that thing would take him over."
Mrs. Schweiber tries to get Neal to tell her what's wrong. He says he can't, because he doesn't want "to ruin [her] life." She hugs him, which gives him the courage to say, "Dad's cheating on you." She keeps telling him everything's okay. Neal, confused, asks, "Why is everything okay?" Mrs. Schweiber tries to explains that marriage is complicated and that there is nothing more important to her and to her husband than their children. She says that she and her husband have a long time to work out their marriage, but that they only have a few more years with Neal in the house. She tries to reassure him as to how much she and Mr. Schweiber love Neal. Then she makes the ultimate sacrifice and lies through her teeth to tell him that he and Morty are "very funny." A mother's love is boundless. Neal cries on her shoulder for a while.
I think Big Harry may just be totally shit-faced after all, because he's drunkenly asking for the return of Neal and Morty. Mom Weir is a little "tipsy," too. She asks Lindsay to drive, and says that they will wait for her in the car while she says goodbye to Barry. Barry jokes about escaping his home to go to the Weirs'. He and Lindsay hug, and she leaves. Dad Weir stumbles out to the car, using Sam as a physical support. All the Weirs look pretty happy together.
"You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You" plays in the background. It continues playing while Mr. and Mrs. Schweiber ignore each other in their kitchen. It continues while Neal moves Morty onto the floor to come alive in the middle of the night and kill everyone in the house.
And it continues as Daniel drives up to Kim's house and knocks on her door. Kim looks pretty happy to see him. Or maybe she's just laughing at his hair. No, she's glad he's back. In fact, she's so happy that she starts crying. It's hard to see whether Daniel's crying, but I suspect he is. I'm not ashamed to say that I got a little weepy too, and it's not just because this is the last episode of Freaks & Geeks that I'll ever get to recap. Now all I have to look forward to is the Christmas special where Lindsay, Kim, and Millie come back home for a visit and decide to have a triple wedding. But you know, I'll bet the show's writers could turn even that concept into a good episode.
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