The show begins in the Schweibers' monochromatic living room with the curved, sectional sofa. Bill is asleep on the floor and Sam and Neal are putting Monopoly money and game pieces on his face and chest. They're watching Saturday Night Live, which features Joe Piscopo doing his patently unfunny "I'm from Joisey" schtick. Neal laments Bill Murray's departure from SNL. Sorry Neal, it only gets worse but the bright side is that Caddyshack came out in 1980, and you've got Rushmore to look forward to in eighteen years. Sam yawns and wonders why SNL has to be on so late. Neal tells him it is because you can't say, "Jane, you ignorant slut" on television at 8 o'clock. Dr. Schweiber brings in some bowls of ice cream for them. Bill is still asleep until Dr. Schweiber yells, "Live from New York, it's Saturday night!" and wakes him up. Then, Dr. S. busts out his Sammy Davis Jr impression as he hands Sam his ice cream. Sam thinks that Neal's dad is cool and Neal agrees.
At McKinley High, a marching band with surprisingly few members is practicing the Chicago song "25 Or 6 To 4" on the playing field. Ken and the other freaks are watching from the bleachers and heckling the band. Nick thinks they are torturing the song and Ken wonders why Nick even knows the song. Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care about time? Oh, never mind. It's sad, but it was hard to be alive during the 1970s and not be familiar with the horrid song stylings of Chicago, so Ken should cut Nick some slack. Mick, my esteemed partner, still has nightmares about hearing "Color My World" being warbled out by someone playing a recorder. ["Heh. 'Color My World' is my parents' 'song,' if you know what I mean." -- Wing Chun] Ken picks on the tuba player girl in particular and yells that the tuba is big and sexy and it makes him hot. Then he yells, "Play some Billy Joel!" That's funny because the soundtrack of the episode with the geeks mooning after Maureen was filled with Billy Joel songs. Kim rags on a "pizza-faced" trombone player. Ken likens playing the tuba to "blowing into a toilet." Nice imagery, Ken, though I'm sure you've had many up close and personal encounters with toilets in your day. At this point, I would make a joke about tubamabas and saxomaphones, but even if the freaks could hear me, they wouldn't get it for at least another fifteen years. That's a shame. Lindsay nails Ken: "At least she knows how to play an instrument." Ken launches into a diatribe about Lindsay breaking up the band. Nick apologizes to Lindsay for Ken's attack on her.
Neal is staying for dinner at the Weirs' because Dr. Schweiber is performing emergency surgery. They're all seated at the dining room table while Neal regales them with rather graphic details of other emergency dental operations that his father has performed. The Weirs are all grossed out by the story. Neal asks Lindsay if she has seen Ordinary People yet because he has, and he cried. Lindsay hasn't seen it, so Neal gallantly tells her that he'd be willing to see it again. Lindsay says that she hopes he and Sam have a good time. Sam says that he won't go to it because it isn't funny. You're right, it wasn't funny at the time, but when A&E decides to give The Four Seasons and its true-crime specials a rest, watching Ordinary People is pretty hilarious all these years later. Mom Weir offers Neal some more meatballs and he declines them because his father says, "Too much red meat isn't good for you." Sam changes the subject by asking his parents for an Atari for his birthday. Dad says, "An a-what-i?" Mom wonders if an Atari is "one of those expensive videogames." Sam assures her that it isn't that expensive. Dad declares them "a waste of time and money," and states, "the welfare rolls are full of videogame players." Lindsay scoffs but Dad quite accurately guesses it will be true eventually. ["I'm not so sure. I live with an avid gamer who's done pretty well parlaying his love of gaming into cash money." -- Wing Chun] Lindsay gets up to leave but Dad yells that she hasn't finished her dinner. Lindsay stuffs at least two huge meatballs into her mouth and then bolts for the door. Sam and Neal look like they're both going to attempt Lindsay's feat but Dad barks, "Don't even try it!" before they get their forks up to their mouths.
Lindsay was rushing off to meet the freaks at a diner. She apologizes for keeping them waiting and Ken mouths off about "cancelling their dinner reservations." Nick wonders if Ken can ever not be sarcastic. Nick and Daniel get up to get some food leaving Ken, Kim, and Lindsay at the table. Lindsay and Kim glare at Ken until he clues into the fact that they want to talk on their own. Kim asks Lindsay what is going on with her and Nick. Lindsay says she wants to be friends with him but Kim tells her that isn't possible because Nick's still in love with her. Kim advises her to be a bitch to Nick so she doesn't give him false hopes of their getting back together.
At the counter, Nick tells Daniel that he's still in love with Lindsay. Daniel tells him to quit being nice to Lindsay then he outlines his strategy to stop fighting with Kim which is basically not to argue with her and "let her run out of gas." He refers to it as his "tortoise and the hare" plan; Kim is the hare and Daniel is the tortoise. Daniel counsels Nick to give Lindsay the cold shoulder. Nick isn't sure that this is a good idea. Taking relationship advice from Daniel is like taking personal grooming advice from...well, Daniel.
Neal's mother, who is none other than Dr. Toni Pavone, from the other show I recap, Felicity, arrives at the Weir's house to pick up Neal. My worlds are colliding! That Amy Aquino certainly gets around. She's been in Zoe, Duncan, Jack & Jane, ER, Picket Fences, and Judging Amy, to name but a few shows. She qualifies for Hey, It's That Guy status. Anyway, Mrs. Schweiber blabs to Mom Weir about playing tennis and chauffeuring Neal around, which she claims is a full-time job. When Sam and Neal appear, she greets Neal with, "Hello, baby angel," which makes Sam giggle. Mrs. Dr. Schweiber thanks Mom Weir again for having Neal for dinner and says "ciao" on her way out. Sam mocks her use of "ciao" when they've left.
The freaks are leaving the diner when they run into Amy, the marching band tuba girl, who is dressed in her uniform. She and Lindsay exchange greetings and Ken says, "Nice threads," in his pseudo-bass voice. Amy says, "Nice voice." Ken comes back with, "Hey Sergeant Pepper, where's the rest of the Lonely Hearts Club Band?" Amy quips, "It looks like you ate 'em," to the laughter of the rest of the gang. Kim rubs it in: "Yeah Ken, when are the twins due?" Amy asks Lindsay, "Is this bonehead a friend of yours?" Lindsay's all, "No, he's a pain in my ass." Amy pushes by Ken and says, "Well, see ya later Elvis. Good luck with those muttonchops." Everyone laughs but it is obvious that Ken is smitten. He has discovered the allure of the intelligent and smart-mouthed girl while he fingers his muttonchops. Men who can't resist sassy chicks are okay in my book.
Mom Weir and Sam wander around a department store and come across a microwave oven demo. Mom mentions that Dad doesn't trust anything that cooks so quickly. The salesman ["and the actor playing him also played a character who nearly raped Donna on " -- Wing Chun] points out that if Dad were doing all the cooking he might be a bit more open-minded. Ah, you don't know Dad like Mom, Sam, and we do. Anyway, the demo gets pretty old, pretty quickly for Sam, so he wanders away to check out Atari systems and happens to see Dr. Schweiber in a clinch with a young-ish, blonde woman, giving her an oral examination, so to speak. Dr. S. spots Sam looking at him and he quickly releases the woman and shouts at Sam. Sam explains that he and his mother are there looking at microwaves which prompts the doctor to do a really lame Shatner impression about barbecuing tribbles. Neal's Shatner blows his father's away. The good doctor explains that the woman, Carol, is an old high-school friend of his, and they haven't seen each other for a long time. Carol is probably thinking, 'Hey, less of the old, thanks' since she looks to be about fifteen years younger than he is. Neal's dad pulls Sam aside to ask him not to mention to anyone the he saw him with his "old friend." Sam reluctantly agrees but he knows that this situation stinks like yesterday's cat food. What a dirtbag that dentist is.
At school, Nick, Ken, and Daniel are discussing Laser Floyd at the Laser Dome but only Nick seems enthusiastic about going. Ken says that he can make his own laser show in his mind. To convince them, Nick 'sings,' "If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding" from "Another Brick in the Wall, Part II." I bet he doesn't realize "pudding" means "dessert" in England and not the stuff Bill Cosby shills for in the U.S. Nick rests his case: "It's Floyd!" That's exactly why I never went to see Laser Floyd or Laser Zeppelin at the McLaughlin Planetarium, back in the day. Kim and Lindsay join them and Lindsay asks, "Isn't it just a bunch of squiggly lights on a ceiling?" Nick is disgusted by the suggestion and he explains that it is a "metaphysical experience." Lindsay agrees to go then tries to act tough in front of Nick by saying that she might not go. She tells Kim that she's going to get something to eat and walks away. Amy passes Ken in the hall and he stares at her and her tuba. Is anyone else glad that Amy is a tuba player and not a flute player? That would be too much.
On the way to the cafeteria, Lindsay asks Kim if she was too mean to Nick. Kim doesn't think so and she tells Lindsay that when she and Daniel were broken up, Daniel took Wendy Franklin to Laser Dome and now he wants to take her there. Lindsay asks Kim if she's going to go and Kim says, "Well, yeah. What else am I going to do?"
At the geeks' table in the cafeteria, Neal asks Sam and Bill to guess what he found on his bed when he woke up. Bill guesses, "A turd?" Good try, Bill, but I don't think the Easter Bunny hits the Schweiber household. Neal informs them that his dad got him an Atari, then gets up to get some more "Ben Franklin beans." Is that an American specialty, or what? Hey, get me a side of Millard Fillmore potatoes while you're up there. While Neal is away from the table, Sam tells Bill about his encounter with Dr. Schweiber at the department store. Bill needs more details about what kind of hug that Sam witnessed so he makes Sam hug him, but it's okay because Bill is "quite secure with [his] manliness." Sam leans over and hugs him just a little too long and Bill pushes him away. Bill thinks that Sam should tell Neal what he saw but Sam doesn't want to. Bill reminds him that they've promised never to keep secrets from each other and brings up the time he "tried to sneak a fart but it came out a poop." Omigod, this is so funny but it was hard to laugh while seeing the trauma revisited on Bill's face as he continues, "Then I had to flush my undies down the toilet. Do you think I wanted to tell you guys that?" No, but I bet they would've been happier not to have had to hear it at all. Ladies and gentleman, the always scatological Bill Haverchuk!
Amy is in a music classroom practicing "When the Saints Go Marching In" with some other band members, except the saints aren't exactly marching. They sound more like they're limping. Daniel catches Ken spying on her through the window in the door, and makes him admit that he has a thing for Amy. Ken threatens to kill him if he tells anyone. Daniel claims he's been waiting since the third grade for Ken to like someone. Who knew that Daniel was such a yenta? Anyway, Daniel offers to talk to Lindsay for him to get Lindsay to talk to Amy. That last sentence pretty much defines the whole high-school experience, doesn't it? Ken agrees to the plan and when Daniel leaves, he resumes spying on Amy.
Back in the Schweiber living room, the geeks are playing Asteroids. ["Glark claims that, while Neal was given an Atari 2600, the version of Asteroids depicted was for a 2600 successor." -- Wing Chun] Sam gets up to go to the washroom and Neal reminds him to lift the seat. Bill is about to tell Neal about Sam seeing his father when Sam comes in the room and tries to stop him. Neal demands to know what they're talking about and Bill tells him. Bill tries to hug Neal to show him how his dad was hugging Carol but Neal pushes him away. Neal claims it's impossible that Sam saw his dad because his dad was in surgery. Sam confirms the sighting but Neal just thinks that Sam is jealous that Dr. S. is cooler than Dad Weir. Bill tries to explain but Neal angrily says to him, "You don't even have a dad!" Bill insists that he does have a dad and that he spoke to him "three months ago." Aw, that's rather heart-wrenching. Neal's dad comes through the door and senses the tension. Bill and Sam make their excuses and leave. Dr. S. follows them outside to coax them to stay. Mrs. Dr. Schweiber arrives and asks about ordering in dinner, then goes inside. Dr. S. stands in the driveway.
In study hall, Daniel and Kim are sitting at a table with another guy sitting between them. Kim asks the guy if he "had a boyfriend who humped a slut like Wendy Franklin at the Laser Dome, would [he] want to hang out there?" She persists with her questioning until the guy asks to go to the bathroom. Now why would the guy need to go to the bathroom after the school's cool, tough chick has just leaned over him and talked to him about humping? When the guy is gone, Daniel says that he regrets what he did with Wendy. Kim appears to be softening towards him a tiny bit.
Sam arrives home and gets hell from his mother for being late and not calling home. It turns out that Dr. Schweiber has called to let them know he has a cancellation and he can fit Sam in for his six-month check-up at 7 the morning. Gee, doesn't that sound like the worst possible way to start your day?
Neal goes out to the garage and snoops in his father's mid-life-crisis-shame-about-your-penis red Corvette, which bears the licence plate "I FLOSSEM." Remember that plate, kids, because if it, like a gun, is shown in the first act, you know someone is going to use it in the final act. Neal's snooping turns up a second garage-door opener, which doesn't work on their door.
Lindsay walks into Sam's room looking for her Pink Floyd albums. Sam asks her, "Why do people have affairs?" Lindsay doesn't have any answers so Sam asks her if she thinks Dr. Schweiber would have an affair. They laugh at the prospect of their own father having an affair and then dissolve into fits of giggles when he appears at the door clad in boxer shorts, a T-shirt, and black socks. He doesn't know what they're laughing about and they wouldn't tell him even if they could stop laughing long enough to do so. Dad barks, "Finish your homework!" and leaves.
Sam arrives at Dr. Schweiber's office for his appointment. Dr. S., who is wearing gloves, starts probing around in Sam's mouth with various instruments. I don't remember my dentist wearing gloves in 1980 but then again, I kept my eyes shut tightly and prayed for short appointments back then. Of course, that's still my coping mechanism for dental appointments. Dr. Schweiber says that Sam acted differently yesterday and it hurt him. The dirtbag dentist accuses Sam making more of his hugging Carol, then he asks if Sam has told Neal. Sam denies it and Dr. Dirtbag puts one of those plastic things in Sam's mouth to keep it propped open. Sam listens in horror as Neal's dad reveals that he didn't date much before getting married, and generally tries to rationalize his affair to his teenaged son's friend. That is just so sad. A dental check-up and TMI -- it must be pure hell for Sam.
Sam runs into Bill at school and Bill informs him that Neal was not on the school bus that morning. Neal is already seated in the class when they arrive. He tells them about finding the remote. Bill helpfully recounts a Donahue show about the secret love nests of people engaged in affairs and he suggests that Neal's dad has such a place. Neal looks at the remote and says, "There's only one way to find out."
The marching band is practicing on the playing field again and Ken is watching them from underneath the bleachers. Lindsay approaches Ken to ask if he wants her to ask Amy to go to Laser Dome with him that night. Lindsay tries to determine whether he is going to be nice to Amy and he promises to be "an angel." He asks if there's much chance of Amy agreeing to go which prompts Lindsay to squeal, "Omigod, you really like her, don't you?" Ken looks pained and says, "I feel odd."
The geeks are riding their bikes. Sam has a monkey-bars-and-banana-seat type of bike, Neal has a ten-speed racer, and Bill has a girl's, no-speed, touring bike. They've told their mothers that they're eating at each other's houses, while they ride around testing out the remote on various garage doors.
Lindsay goes onto the field when the band practice is over and asks Amy out on Ken's behalf. Even though she thinks Laser Dome "sucks," Amy agrees to go because she thinks Ken is cute and she loves his "funky sideburns." Lindsay seems surprised at Amy's reaction.
The cycling and remote testing continues to the tune of the Cars hit, "Let the Good Times Roll." Can I just say that none of these dudes exactly has rock 'n' roll hair? Though I can totally see a resemblance between Bill and Ric Ocasek. They try a lot of doors without success and end up sitting on a curb and talking. Neal declares that he'll never cheat on his wife, "even if she gets old and fat." Bill thinks he'll be happy just to get a wife, but he doesn't think he wants the kind who gets old and fat. You know, I know men who've never evolved beyond this kind of thinking. Typically, they're pot-bellied, bald guys. Sam doesn't know "how you get one girl. How does anyone get two?" Bill's ideal woman is Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie, and he'd like to make out with her on the little couch in her bottle. Sam thinks that Cindy would look good in "those puffy pants." Well, see for yourself Sam; it won't be long before harem pants become popular for girls, Joe Piscopo, and other over-muscled, no-neck weight lifter dudes at the gym. Neal wonders if Dad Weir has ever gotten a leg over extracurricularly. Sam is doubtful, given his dad's personality. Neal points the remote at a garage and the door open; however, a car pulls into the driveway a moment later. Sam and Bill want to quit and go home but Neal is determined to keep on.
At the Laser Dome, the gang is getting seated. Kim is scowling. Ken and Amy check each other out as do Lindsay and Nick, who keep an empty seat between themselves. Ken tries to force a beverage on Amy, but she isn't thirsty. She offers to buy Ken a hot dog and he accepts, so she gets up to get one. Kim and Daniel get comfortable and then she questions him about Wendy Franklin. Daniel won't take the bait so Kim storms off. Daniel advises Nick to stay away from Lindsay. The show begins to hoots from the audience and Nick yelling, "Floyd rules! 'Comfortably Numb'!" However, when the music starts it is the Charlie Daniels Band doing "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," accompanied by laser depictions of cowboy boots and cacti. Nick wants to know "what the hell happened to Floyd?" A cowboy-hatted guy in the audience tells him that the Pink Floyd show is week and tonight is Southern Rock night, which he punctuates with a "yee haw!" Nick is aghast but then he has to laugh at his stupidity with Lindsay. I bet you didn't know that there's a Charlie Daniels Park in Mt. Juliet, Tennessee. It seems that he lives there and he donated some land to create a public park which is visible from my second-cousin-in-law's backyard. So, Charlie Daniels is a crusader against Satan and a philanthropist.
It's now dark outside and the geeks are pushing their bikes. Bill and Sam are tired and really want to stop looking. Neal is angry that they're bailing on him and he takes off without them.
Back at Laser Dome, Daniel asks Ken if he's made a move on Amy yet. Daniel advises staring at Amy "until there's nothing left to do but kiss." Amy comes back with the hot dogs and Ken stares at her as if he were deranged.
Lindsay apologizes to Nick for being bitchy but explains that she did it because she thought he might still like her. Nick lies and calls her "really conceited." He looks like he's going to have a stroke. Then Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird" starts up and I have a stroke. I hate that song with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. Did you know that the band is so named because in highschool they had a teacher or principal named Leonard Skinnerd whom they hated? I guess if the geeks ever started a band, they could call it 'Coatch Fredrix' or something.
After freaking out Amy with his staring, Ken finally asks if he can kiss her. They start making out while the rest of the gang notices. Kim comes back and starts kissing Daniel.
Sam comes home and finds out that his parents have bought him an Atari system because, as his mother says, "Sometimes, it's okay to spend a little extra money on such a good kid." Dad Weir says he wants Sam to teach him about all the space invaders. Sam bursts into tears because he realizes that his parents aren't so bad and because he knows that this gift is not to assuage a philandering father's guilt. ["There seems to be some controversy about this on the forums. Some feel, as Maggie does, that Sam was crying tears of relief and gratitude for his own good parents. I, and others, think it was that he associated the gift of the Atari with the cheating dad, and figures this is Dad Weir's way of telling him." -- Wing Chun] Dad Weir is floored by Sam's crying and he remarks to Mom, "He must have really wanted that game." I admit that this scene made me very teary.
Neal rides through the dark streets still trying the remote. He finally is able to open a door. When he sees his father's 'Vette, he throws the remote at it, then rides off. As one door opens, another door closes. This is the end of the innocence. Insert your own cliché here.
Back at Laser Dome, "Freebird" is still going, which is understandable since the song is about four hours too long. Lindsay and Nick see their friends all making out and Nick says, "I'd be lying if I said this wasn't painful." They exchange angst-filled glances. We see Ken and Amy again and she's rubbing his muttonchops. "Freebird" is still playing, twenty years later.