Sam, Neal and Bill are gathered around the Weir kitchen table, and Bill explains their bet, saying he will drink anything for $10. He's obviously put a lot of thought into this, though, because he launches into a long list of things he won't drink, including anything from the bathroom, or the garage, or from under the sink. "I'm just trying to win ten bucks here; I don't want to die." Sam and Neal agree, and Sam hands him the blindfold -- a winter hat that Bill puts on, but not before commenting that he doesn't want to mess up his hair. Hee hee. That leads me to wonder about how the hairstyling crew feel about their jobs, and whether it's more fun to style hair to look good or to look...well, like the geeks' hair does. Sam hands Bill a pair of clunky old headphones, and Bill puts them on warily, saying, "I'm trusting you guys." Once the headphones are in place, Neal says they have to mix up something that will make Bill barf. Sam doesn't want Bill barfing in the same kitchen where Mrs. Weir prepares dinner. Neal says, "If we're not trying to make him barf, why are we doing this?" Good question. Bill points out that he can hear everything they're saying, so Neal tells him to hum. Bill hums about as well as he does anything else, which is to say, not very well at all. He's good at making me laugh, though. Sam and Neal start throwing various foodstuffs into the blender, and Neal shares a touching reminiscence: "My cousin once drank an entire jar of pickle juice. He had to sit on the toilet for ten hours." Thanks, Neal. I'm a little freaked because most of the stuff they're throwing into the blender are things I like: mustard, vinegar, soy sauce, chili. I guess I could do without the non-dairy creamer and the after-dinner mints, though. They mix it all up and pour out a glass. The end result looks kind of like Clamato. Bill won't drink until he sees some cash on the table. He takes a swig and I can see what's coming but it's funny anyway when Bill declares, "Not bad." Then again, Bill could be reading from my computer networking textbook and he'd still have me on the floor.
We cut to the opening credits with the cool Joan Jett song, which makes me remember that her concert was the first one I ever saw. One of the friends who went with us was twelve, and her mother wouldn't let her go without a chaperone, so my dad volunteered. As soon as Joan came on stage, everyone in the audience stood up, so my dad put some cotton in his ears and stood up too, to be polite. But then he's kind of a grown-up geek himself, which is only one of the reasons why I love the geeks on this show so much.
After the commercials, we're back in the Weir kitchen with the whole family. Mom Weir comes in with one of the free pumpkins a real estate broker was handing out. Dad Weir's all crotchety telling her it's just a marketing ploy, but he can't bring Mom down. She's totally psyched for Hallowe'en, unlike Lindsay, who looks all teenage bored as hell while she pours a bowl of cereal. Sam asks her if he can have the prize from the cereal box, and Lindsay tries to act tough before she gives it to him. It's a nice moment. Mom asks Sam what he's going to dress up as for trick-or-treating, and he gets all offended, because he's in ninth grade now. I love Clueless Mom, who says, "But you went out last year!" Buzzkill Dad cuts her off by saying, "The boy's fourteen. Now, he can miss a night of walking around the neighbourhood, begging like a tramp." Mom asks Lindsay if she'll still be helping to hand out candy, and Lindsay says she will. Mom promises them all a really good Hallowe'en, and Sam just rolls his eyes, a trifle rudely, if you ask me.
At the school bus stop, Neal puts on his suave ladykiller act: "Hi, Lindsay. Long time no see." Lindsay points out that she just saw him yesterday. Sam asks Neal why he's wearing a baseball cap, and Bill says, "Is that your costume? It kinda sucks." Neal explains that he's wearing it because on Devil's Day (the day before Hallowe'en), the seniors "bring in hair removal foam and spray it on freshmen's heads, and all your hair falls out." Lindsay says that rumour's been around for years. Neal slips back into cool mode and says, "Yeah, I know, I was just goofing off." Bill chimes in with a brutally honest, "No, you weren't," and Neal glares at Bill for a while. Millie shows up and invites Lindsay to her church's Hallowe'en dance. Lindsay looks thrilled when she remembers that she promised to hand out candy with her mom and won't even have to make up an excuse not to go. Millie offers her some Lik-M-Aid, which makes me giggle because I'd just bought some of that earlier in the day. Millie says, "It makes my spit taste like fruit juice." Well, I'm glad I enjoyed the Lik-M-Aid I had on Saturday, since it now looks unlikely that I will ever purchase it again.
Daniel and Kim drive up in a Firebird; Daniel stops to say hi to Lindsay. Kim says, "Hi, Brain." Millie's obviously flying on her Lik-M-Aid high as she leans into the car and lets them know that she's had the same bus stop since kindergarten. Then she asks Daniel how fast his car can go. She goes on to tell him he needs a muffler because his car is too loud, and that her father once threw a rock at him when he drove by. Daniel thinks this is just as weird as I do, and Lindsay looks like she wishes the ground would open up and swallow her. Kim asks Millie if she's eating laundry soap. Millie offers to share her Lik-M-Aid, but Kim declines. Daniel says he would give Lindsay a ride, but he's got an engine block -- whatever that is -- in his back seat. He licks his finger and samples some of Millie's Lik-M-Aid. I don't know if that's supposed to make us think he's exuding some kind of raw sexual energy or what. All I know is that even at his best, Daniel creeps me out a bit, so right now I'm shuddering so hard that I almost miss Millie stick her fingers in her ears to drown out the sound of Daniel's car as he drives away. ["I myself think that Daniel is as tasty as a packet of Lik-M-Aid." -- Wing Chun]
Lindsay is walking down the school hallway when Mr. "Call Me Jeff" Rosso stops her. He calls her the "Amelia Earhart of McKinley High." Lindsay manages to cram a whole lot of irritation onto her face as she asks him what he means. "Well, you head to class, but you never seem to get there," is his answer. Lindsay says, "Could you not humiliate me in front of the whole school?" At least nobody mentions Mathletics this time. Mr. Rosso tells Lindsay not to turn him into "the Man," because he's just trying to help her.
The embarrassment theme continues in Sam's English class, where the teacher claims to be embarrassed by the books the students have chosen to do their reports on. These books include Al Jaffee's Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions (Bill's choice), the novelization of Star Wars (Sam) and the autobiography of Sammy Davis Jr. (Hello, Neal). The teacher drones on in praise of Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment while she slams copies of the novel onto the students' desks. She wants them to read the first half over the weekend. Would that even leave any time for eating, sleeping and personal hygiene? What's especially weird is that the painting of Dostoevsky on the cover bears an uncanny resemblance to Mr. Rosso. The teacher tells her students, "It's time to grow up, people."
Cate thinks that actually it's more of a time to throw up when she sees Daniel and Kim engaging in some icky PDA out on the smoking patio. Ken backs Cate up. Daniel says, "Why don't you make out with Nicky and we'll call it a foursome." Ken replies, "Why don't you make out with my butt and we'll call it love." ["Ken!" -- Wing Chun] Kim sees Lindsay coming over and tells everybody to "be cool," which doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Lindsay says, "Yeah, watch out or I'll bust you," which falls kind of flat. Kim says she's heard about how Lindsay busted some guy who was smoking a joint, and now that guy is in prison and his brother is looking for her. Lindsay looks terrified as she claims she never did anything like that. Kim says she was just messing with Lindsay, who still isn't laughing. Nick says, "Yeah, she got me with that joke last week." He asks Lindsay what she's doing for Hallowe'en, and Lindsay tries to play down the fact that she'll be handing out candy with her mom. Kim gets snarky again, and Nick sticks up for Lindsay. Daniel says that he and Kim and Nick are going out, and he invites her to join them in his uncle's "big-ass Caddy." I think that's just an excuse to say the word "ass" on TV, because I don't remember anyone talking like that back in 1980. Lindsay says, "Oh, you mean like a double date?" Nick smiles. Kim says, "If that's what you need to call it in your diary, princess." While Kim is starting to irritate me to no end, that was pretty funny. The class bell rings and everyone disperses, but Nick stops Lindsay to say, "I think it's nice that you're helping your mom hand out candy." He says he'll see her later and walks away clutching his forehead like he's just said something dumb in front of the girl he likes, which is awfully sweet.
The geeks are in the cafeteria complaining about their English assignment. Neal suggests Cliffs Notes, which I am embarrassed to admit helped me get through more than a few exams back in the day. Sam has a problem with the English teacher telling them to be young adults since they won't turn into adults until they're eighteen. Neal says, "When I hit thirteen, I became a man." Bill responds, "That's only in your temple, Neal, not in the real world." Sam tries to get the others to go trick-or-treating with him, but Neal wants to go to a haunted house instead to see some "Hot-Dog-on-a-Stick girls" he thinks are cute. Bill chimes in with, "Cutie, cutie, cutie." I swear he's getting weirder by the minute. Finally, Bill agrees to go, but Neal is still unsure. Sam pulls out his trump card and says to Neal, "You're never gonna dress up like Groucho again?" Neal thinks it over and launches into his Groucho impression, saying, "Well, that's the most ridiculous I ever heard." I like Neal too much to hold his fondness for Groucho against him. Bill sums it up best when he says, "Groucho sucks."
Lindsay's walking outside the school when she sees Millie kissing a boy! ["I'd just like to add that I thought the boy was Eli at first. But it wasn't." -- Wing Chun] Millie looks embarrassed when she sees Lindsay watching. She breaks off what must be the most awkward, unromantic screen kiss ever and walks over to Lindsay, who asks her what's up with the guy. Millie thinks it over and decides to play dumb, asking, "Who?" Millie realizes that since Lindsay's IQ is higher than twelve, the little deception isn't gonna work very long . She describes the guy as "Tommy, my secret love." She met him in church camp but wants to keep the romance a secret. She says they don't even French kiss yet, because "Tommy says that if you do before you've been going out for six months, you go to hell." I suspect Tommy just doesn't want to take a chance on getting any of Millie's fruit-flavoured spit in his mouth. Millie says she wanted to keep it a secret from Lindsay because she feels bad that Lindsay doesn't have a boyfriend. Ouch, pass the Prozac. If Millie said that to me, I'd probably roll my eyes and stomp off, just like Lindsay does.
Back inside the school, Daniel and Nick are lounging behind a staircase, totally baked, discussing Santana. Nick says, "So they're called 'Santana,' right, but that guy who's singing is not Santana?" Daniel says Santana is the guitar player. Nick wants to know how Santana got them to name the band after him if he's not even the singer. Nick says, "I don't know, man, maybe he's just a bad-ass." Lindsay interrupts the music criticism to tell them she'll go out with them for Hallowe'en after all. Nick is happy. Daniel asks how Lindsay's mom will hand out the cookies without her help. Lindsay says she'll survive. Jeez, I've only known Mrs. Weir for three episodes, and even I know she won't survive that news.
Back at the Weir dinner table, Mom is singing "Monster Mash" while Lindsay and Joe Flaherty look horrified. Sam tells his mom that he's decided to go trick-or-treating after all. He's planning to dress up as Gort the Robot from The Day the Earth Stood Still, but I could barely catch the movie title when Sam said it. My one major complaint about this show is that sometimes it sounds like I'm in the Land of the Mumble People. Mom is thrilled, but Buzzkill Dad tries to crush Sam's spirit again by telling another of his cautionary tales. This one is about someone from his neighbourhood named Scott who "kept on trick-or-treating until he was well into his twenties." The end result is that Scott is now living with his elderly mother and is "the laughingstock of the community." Mom argues that there's nothing wrong with acting like a kid sometimes, and that she and Lindsay will have a great time handing out candy. If I saw Lindsay looking as guilty as she does at that moment, I'd know something was up, but Mom is too busy launching into another round of "Monster Mash" to pay attention. Sam joins her in the tribute to novelty songs.
The day in school, the geeks are walking down the hall discussing their trick-or-treating plans. Sam tells them to bring pillowcases for the candy, since plastic grocery bags can rip. Bill wants to carry his plastic trick-or-treating pumpkin -- and believe me, I'd like to see him carry it too -- but Neal says it fills up too quickly. ["That is so true; pillowcases really are the way to go." -- Wing Chun] Bill says he can eat the candy as they go, but Neil tells him, "The last time you did that, you puked before we got past our bus stop." Harris (the older geek from the McKinley High Players) joins them. He's still brimming with helpful urban legends, this time about Hallowe'en candy. He says that there are some hippies "who don't want Reagan to be president, so to disrupt the election, they're gonna inject the candy with heroin and turn kids into addicts." The others ain't buyin' it. Sam says that you just have to watch out for razors and pins, and Bill adds rat hairs to the list. Harris tries again: "The word on the street is they're putting their poo in Fun Size candy wrappers and giving those out." Neal suggests that you'd, um, probably notice what it really was before you consumed it. Harris is one of those great conspiracy theorists who's got an answer for everything: "They dip it in chocolate first so you can't tell the difference until it's too late." He's finally rendered the others speechless, so his work is done. He starts to leave but then stops to ask if he can join them on their trick-or-treating expedition.
Mom has moved the entire Hallowe'en section of the Hallmark store into the Weir house. That place is decorated. Lindsay goes into the kitchen to see Mom gussied up in a cowgirl costume, pulling what must be her twentieth batch of Hallowe'en cookies out of the oven. Lindsay wants to talk to her about going out with her friends, but Mom must be hopped up on some Lik-M-Aid, because she's chattering too quickly for Lindsay to get a word in edgewise. Mom says she's laid out Sam's costume on his bed, adding that she wrote, "My son's the cutest boy in the whole world," on the front of it. She tells Lindsay to put her costume on, talks about how much fun they're going to have and then breezes on outta there. Sam says, "I hate it when Mom gets goofy like that."
"Born to Raise Hell" plays in the background as we see each of the geeks getting into his costume at home. Sam puts on his robot costume. I'm disappointed to see that Mom never actually wrote any messages on it. Neal is trying to paint on a mustache, but with little success. His first attempt causes him to remark, "I'm looking for Chaplin; only seeing Hitler." The undisputed star of this segment is Bill, though. He's wearing pants and no shirt, but he is wearing what looks like his mom's bra, which is almost big enough to cover his whole skinny chest anyway. He stands in front of the mirror and asks, "If I was [sic] the Bionic Woman, what would I wear?" Probably not that ugly polyester blouse with the tiny floral print that he's holding up. He puts on an ash-blonde wig and starts in on his makeup. Bill does a great job with his lipstick, blotting it expertly. He has a little more trouble with the blusher, though, and it ends up in big splotches well below his cheekbones. No matter. He's right in character as he stares into the mirror and says, "I'm sorry, Steve Austin; I can't marry you. I'm mad at you right now." I don't know if there's anyone alive with a voice less seductive than Bill's though. Hoisting up the toilet paper he's stuffed into his mom's bra, he declares, "No, these are not bionic; these are all me!" He acts out some more of his Bionic Woman fantasy, on the phone this time: "Oscar Goldman, it's me, Jaime Sommers. Steve Austin is trapped in the --" The background music stops, as does Bill. "Hi, Mom. Okay, you can use the phone," he says.
At the Weir house, the doorbell rings and Mom answers the door to find Harris, whose costume consists of one of those fake knife-through-the-head deals. He compliments Mrs. Weir's costume, telling her she looks like "Richard Benjamin in Westworld." Lindsay tries to talk to her mom again but is interrupted when Bill and Neal come to the door, singing the old "Trick or treat, smell our feet, give us something good to eat" ditty. Bill says, "Wow, Harris, that looks really real," and Harris replies, "How do you know it isn't?" Neal grabs Mrs. Weir in a hug and says, "If I held you any closer, I'd be in back of ya." Buzzkill tells him to cut it out. The freaks arrive to pick up Lindsay, and she runs out the door, much to Mrs. Weir's dismay. Mom Weir is such a sweetheart, though, that when Buzzkill starts ranking on Lindsay, she comes to her defense. Mom hands Joe his costume. Hey, she's dusted off his old Count Floyd vampire cape from SCTV.
Daniel's driving, with Kim in the passenger seat. In the back seat are Lindsay, Nick and...Ken. Nick apologizes for Ken's presence, but Lindsay still looks all bummed that her double date has gone awry. Kim cranks the tunes and starts singing, but Daniel turns the stereo back down, saying he doesn't want to blow the speakers. This is his uncle's Cadillac, remember? Kim says, "Oh, I'm sorry, Grandpa. I'll try not to blow anything of yours from now on." Lordy, I thought this show was supposed to be rated PG! But I guess that's the kind of joke that, if you're going to be offended by it, chances are you won't get it in the first place. Kim shoots down Lindsay's suggestion of visiting the haunted house. Nick tells Lindsay he's glad she came along, and she says she's glad too. Ken just looks over in disgust and says, "You two are adorable!"
The geeks are a sight to behold, and as they walk down the sidewalk, everyone turns to stare. I'm sure they're looking at Bill, and he seems to think so too, because he says, "You'd think they never saw the Bionic Woman before." Neal says, "They just probably didn't know you were so hot in real life." Bill stammers a bit and says, "You're joking, right?" Neal confirms that he is. Harris says that when he saw the "real" Jaime Sommers at an auto show, her boobs weren't nearly as big as Bill's. We learn that Bill is allergic to more things than anyone his doctor has ever seen. This comes as no great surprise to anyone watching, I'm sure. Sam wants dibs on any malt balls Bill might receive, except he mumbles it so it comes out sounding like "mothballs." Favourite types of candy are compared, and we learn that Bill prefers Pixy Stix (right on), Sam likes Chunkies (ew), Neal like candy bars (good call), and Harris favours wax lips (quit trying so hard, Harris).
Mom Weir opens the door to some more trick-or-treaters, but the sight of Joe Flaherty as Count Floyd sends them running off screaming. Joe says, "I'm not really a vampire! I own a sporting goods store!" One of the moms stays behind to give the Weirs a lecture on handing out unwrapped candy, which leaves Mom Weir devastated. Dad tries to cheer her up by offering to take her to the barn for "a real good roll in the hay." As much as I like Joe Flaherty, I don't like him THAT way, so I can see why Mom says, "No, not now," and walks off. Joe just stands there looking frustrated and says, "When?"
Uh-oh, I hope Daniel's not driving stoned, because he starts philosophizing again -- some convoluted thing about the people in town being really religious but letting ghosts and devils into their houses just because it's Hallowe'en. Lindsay understands him, or at least pretends she does so that she can throw around words like "middle-class" and "hypocrisy." Nick agrees with Lindsay because, I'm assuming, he wants to try to take her bra off again. You can tell he doesn't have a clue. Kim purposely belches, and Ken says, "Your years in charm school have really paid off." I write that line down so I can steal it for future use. Kim replies, "How are you doing in Ass School?" Ken says, "Gettin' all A's." ["Hee!" -- Wing Chun] Lindsay suggests going to see the latest Friday the 13th movie, Kim gets all snarky on her again, and it is decided that they will all just drive around aimlessly.
The geeks go trick-or-treating at a house where they meet a woman who is the personification of the worst hangover I've ever had. She busts on them for being too old. Bill charmingly points out that they're young at heart, which prompts her to break out the candy, though she still hasn't lost the attitude. She tells Sam he looks like the Tin Man, which is what I've been thinking all along. He mumbles that he's Gort, the robot from whatever it is that I still can't make out. Bill holds up the candy she's just given him and says, "Ma'am, I hope there aren't any peanuts in these, because if there are, I can die."
Back at the Weir house a nicer mom than the one from before is lecturing Mom Weir about handing out "unwrapped foodstuffs." She says, "You should see, all the parents are dumping the cookies on your lawn." Her daughter adds that they're "all covered with ants!" Much as I love that mental image, I feel too sorry for Mom Weir to laugh very hard at it. Mom makes Joe Flaherty run to the store for wrapped candy.
The freaks are stopped in front of a house. Kim says she thinks they "should make Lindsay do it," but Nick says he will do it instead. "It" turns out to be kicking in the jack o' lantern to the front door. Nick runs back to the car, mission accomplished, and the freaks drive off shouting and laughing. I start laughing too when I see it's Mr. Rosso's house. Surveying his pumpkin, he says, "Aw, man, that is so uncool!" Luckily he's carved a spare, which he brings out. Okay, now you tell me who's the freak, in the 90s sense of the word anyway. ["I'm ashamed to confess that I felt some pathos for Mr. Rosso." -- Wing Chun] When they stop at the house, everyone tells Lindsay it's her turn. She's nervous but gamely walks up to the pumpkin and starts kicking it. Only she's not kicking it hard enough, and then her shoe comes off inside the pumpkin. The rest of the freaks are in hysterics as Lindsay grabs the pumpkin, her shoe still inside it, and carries the whole thing back to the car. As they peel off, Lindsay manages to extricate her shoe and chucks the mangled pumpkin out the window.
The geeks are at the house of a stereotypical hippie guy who is handing out candy bars that he points out are "Fun Size." The look on Bill's face is priceless as he says, "Um, thank you. I'll eat this, and I'll eat this later." You can practically hear Harris's conspiracy theories chugging through his brain.
The freaks drive around some more. Lindsay and Kim are both hanging out of the car windows at one point, and they seem to be getting along okay. Lindsay's losing her nervousness to the point where she does a drive-by whacking of a mailbox and then screams for joy. You know this has got to end badly because Lindsay looks like she's having way too much fun.
The geeks are walking down the street when a convertible goes by carrying three girls in fast-food restaurant uniforms who laugh uproariously at them. Neal throws down his candy bag and says, "I can't believe the Hot-Dog-on-a-Stick girls saw us. That's months of groundwork down the drain!" Sam points out, "But they'd never go out with you!" Personally, if I were wearing a multicoloured fast-food-restaurant uniform which included a fez, I'm not so sure how quick I'd be to laugh at anyone else's costume, but I guess the geeks don't see the irony. Anyway, the geeks are still arguing about it when they run into Alan, the bully from the pilot episode, and three of his little bully friends. Alan's jeans are so tight that he has to swagger. I swear he says, "I don't know whose asshole to kick first," even though it's still Network Family Hour. Neal tries to play it tough by saying, "We kicked your ass once. We'll kick it again." Alan points out that their first fight was three on one, and that "now we got us a fair fight." While three on one does lack in honour, I'd hardly call this fight fair either. The bullies advance on the geeks.
In the Caddy, Lindsay is high-fiving Kim and suggesting they soap the school's windows. Lindsay, you rebel, you! Daniel says he thinks they should do some "serious damage," and Lindsay looks a little nervous again. Ken whips out a huge carton of eggs and says, "Breakfast, anyone?"
Back at the OK Corral, Alan tells the geeks they're free to go if they just hand over their candy. Shyeah, like I'd trust Alan. Harris is more than willing to comply, but Bill refuses. Alan calls him a "little girl," and Bill gets all offended and corrects him. The fight doesn't last long, and the geeks are left flailing on the ground. Sam and Neal have a verbal battle of their own, and Bill tries to break it up by saying, "Guys, let's stick to the plan!" He flips his wig back onto his head, quite elegantly, and adds, "Is this thing on straight?"
Kim and Lindsay are each holding eggs and leaning out of the Caddy windows when Kim yells, "All right, jackpot, jackpot!" We cut back to the geeks. Sam and Neal continue their argument, and Bill is still trying to break up the fight so they can go home, because his "bra is chafing." They hear the screaming from the freaks' car, and everyone ducks except Sam. Kim and Lindsay must have exceptional aim, because they both score a direct hit on Sam's head. They drive off laughing, and Lindsay turns to look back. Her face falls when she realizes what she's done. "Oh, my God," she says, "we just egged my little brother!"
After the commercial break, Lindsay is still freaking. She keeps yelling at Daniel to stop the car, which he finally does. He's driving back down the street in reverse when the geeks see his car. Bill runs away, shouting, "Oh, my God, they're coming back to finish us off. Run for it!" Lindsay apologizes repeatedly to Sam and pleads with him to get in the car, but he doesn't say a word, just stares at her sadly. Finally he turns around and runs away. We see him walking home, pulling off pieces of his robot costume as he goes.
It's a sad night all around, as we see Mom Weir sitting at home, sadly eating cookies and not even bothering to get up when some trick-or-treaters come to the door. Sam comes in, and Mom rushes over to see what happened to him. She's fussing all over him like a mother hen when Lindsay walks through the front door. Mom asks Sam who egged him, and he replies, "Some freaks," while staring at Lindsay accusingly. Mom says, "'Freaks'? Like circus freaks?" Count Floyd replies, "I don't think there are bearded ladies running around throwing eggs at kids. He means hippies." I pause the tape and renew my vow that if I ever have kids, I will try to maintain some connection, no matter how tenuous, to the world in which they live. Dad asks if Sam knows who these freaks were, and he replies, "A bunch of dirtbags." Okay, Sam, it is pretty awful that your sister egged you, but she's obviously devastated and has apologized profusely, so now you're starting to look just a little self-righteous in my book. I still feel for him, though, when Mother Hen starts clucking some more and he shouts, "I'm not a baby," before running off.
Mom guilt-trips Lindsay a bit by saying, "If you didn't want to hand out candy with me, you could have just told me." Lindsay says she didn't want to make Mom feel bad. I wait for the part about Mom feeling worse now, but the writers have mercy on us, and it never comes. Mom just comments on how much the world has changed from when she was growing up: "Everyone just seems so much meaner these days." Lindsay is skeptical, as am I. Mom admits that kids probably did throw eggs back in her day, "but I just know I never did." If it's physically possible for Lindsay to look any sorrier, I know I don't want to see it.
Sam's sitting in his room, still covered in egg, when Lindsay comes in. She tries to lighten the mood a little by saying, "There's nothing like being yelled at by Dad when he's dressed like a vampire, huh?" Sam just stares at her accusingly some more, but at least he finally fights back, saying, "Nobody thinks you're cool, you know." Lindsay says, "Trust me, I know," and leaves. When she closes the door, we get to see what looks like a Steve Martin poster Sam's got hanging up. Anybody who can appreciate Steve Martin has got to turn out okay eventually.
Lindsay sits in her own room for a while, staring at a picture of herself and Mom dressed up as cats from a Hallowe'en gone by. Then she stares at a garment bag with a costume store logo on it for a while.
Back in the living room, Mom is still slouched down on the couch, doing her bit to keep the atmosphere down. Some kids yell, "Trick or treat!" at the door, and Mom snaps out of it, sighing and putting her cowgirl hat back on. As she's walking to the door, Lindsay comes out into the living room, wearing her costume. She helps hand out candy with Mom, in a Touching Moment that I probably could not stomach if it was in another show.
Dad goes to Sam's room, where Sam is sitting on his bed reading a little Dostoevsky. Jeez, hasn't he been through enough already for one night? Dad asks him if the book is any good, and Sam replies, "I don't know yet. Everyone's name is really weird and long." Okay, Sam, I'm sorry I ranked on you before. You're pretty funny. Can we be friends again? Dad just says, "Well, don't stay up too late," which is about as close to affection as he can get. It's touch-and-go as to whether I'm gonna puke from the sappiness or appreciate that it could have been much worse. Because I want so badly for this show to succeed, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. This time.
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