The second episode begins with a close-up of Dad Weir's baggy-assed boxer shorts. As the camera pulls away (and not a moment too soon), the Weir family is revealed, eating breakfast in the kitchen. Mom Weir is telling Lindsay that she'll take her clothes shopping at the mall because "those jeans are looking ragged." Lindsay declines the offer and Sam suggests that, "Dad could use some pants." Dad asks, "Who am I trying to impress?" He tells Sam that when it's his house, he can wear whatever he wants. Mom tells the kids that she's called Mrs. Amendola and asked her to look after them when "Daddy and [she] are in Chicago." Both kids protest that they're too old for a babysitter, while Dad predicts that they'll be "eating candy for breakfast and drawing pictures on the wall" while they're away. Both Lindsay and I wonder just how old he thinks they are. Lindsay goes on to point out that she's been babysitting other kids for a couple of years. Dad and Mom finally agree that the kids are old enough to stay on their own. Dad declares that Mrs. Amendola used to make the house "smell like an old lady, anyway." The whole family laughs and Dad says that Paul Anka is playing at the closing night gala (of whatever convention they're attending, I assume). Sam says, "Ooooh, Paul Anka, can I come?" To that, Mom responds by giving a push on the back of his head. Dad gets on his favourite hobby horse (dissing any music and musicians who are edgier than Paul Anka), and asks Sam if he would prefer it if they "listened to that punk rock music [he's] been reading about." Dad and Mom shake their heads over the Sex Pistols "who spit on their audience." Dad continues to rant and Lindsay points out that "every generation is afraid of the music that comes from the ," and she asks if Elvis didn't threaten his parents. Dad points out that "Elvis didn't expectorate on his audience." Sam pipes up, "No, but he died on the toilet." Dad gets the last word and says, "Yeah, well that's paradise compared to where those Sex Pistols are gonna end up."
After the kick-ass opening credits and music, Lindsay walks into the school and passes Millie in the hallway, then heads for Nick. She asks him what is wrong and he says that John Bonham, drummer for Led Zeppelin, is dead. Lindsay points out that he died last week. Nick clearly isn't over it yet. Too bad he's going to have to wait 15+ years to hear "The Ballad of John Bonham's Coke Roadie," a fabulous song by This Is Serious Mum, which may ease his pain. Anyway, Lindsay wonders why Led Zep doesn't just get a replacement. Nick can't even process an answer to that suggestion, and he walks away saying, "Let's just forget it."
They arrive on the Smoking Patio to hear Kim's lecture on shoplifting and price tag switching. Lindsay tries to join in by telling a story about her dad catching a shoplifter, but it does not endear to her to the others. Kim and Daniel have a fight in which she impugns his manhood and he insults her odour. Nick asks if they've broken up and Kim says that she's "dumped his loser ass." Nicks says that he's going to experiment on Friday night with seeing The Wall while straight. Ken warns him against it and Lindsay says that she would go, but that since her parents are going to be out of town, she has to stay home. Daniel suggests that they all hang out at Lindsay's house and Nick says in a singsong voice, "Keg-ger." Kim goads Lindsay by saying that she's "too lame to let anyone into her precious house." Lindsay agrees to the party and Daniel wonders aloud, "who's the too lame one?" Daniel tells everyone to give him ten dollars for the keg and Lindsay is exempt, because the "house drinks [for] free." Cate pointed out to me that The Wall didn't debut until 1982, which is a bit sloppy on the writers' part.
Neal and Bill watch them from inside the school and Neal wonders why Lindsay hangs out "with those guys." Bill suggests to Neal that he go over and asks her. Neal remarks, "if you don't care about high school, you won't get into a good college, you'll have no future, and you'll wind up dead or in jail." Whoa, I wonder who's been listening to Dad Weir a little too closely? Bill thinks that Neal is in love with Lindsay and his proof is that Neal is holding a book in front of his pants. Neal takes the book away, proving that he doesn't have a thing, ahem, for Lindsay. Neal states that he cares about her because she is his good friend's sister.
So, Sam is walking in the hall (and Glark is right, he does kind of look like a little Jeff Goldblum, so before Sam starts saying, "Help me!" in a little, tiny voice, I am transferring my adoration to Neal), and Lindsay catches up with him to tell him about the keg party. Sam is worried about the house getting trashed and their dad finding out, but he agrees not to tell on her.
Millie, Harris (the older geek from last week's show), and Cindy, all members of McKinley High Sober Students players, enact a vignette demonstrating the virtues of having a designated driver, during an assembly. Hey, isn't "High Sober" an oxymoron? Lindsay and Daniel are sitting together in the audience and he remarks that "the designated driver's pretty hot. I'd like to get her drunk." Lindsay smacks him, but not hard enough, in my opinion. The earnest and cheesy "acting" continues on stage and from the audience, Sam beams at Cindy's performance. Millie's character cries, which elicits snickers from Nick and a few others. Daniel puts his head on Lindsay's shoulder so that he can nap, which makes her beam. Of course, Mr. "Call me Jeff" Rosso is directing the scene and he says, "Now, I know what you're thinking: 'Mr. Rosso, you don't understand, if I don't drink, I won't be cool.' Well, y'know what I say to that: maybe if you don't drink, you will be cool." From the audience, Neal nods in agreement and Bill reads a copy of Cracked. The "thespians," as Jeff refers to them, do another scene in which they show how not to drink and still be cool. I'm sorry Jeff dude, but that can't really happen until you are of legal drinking age; at least, that's the way it was back then. Anyway, Jeff forges ahead and asks the audience to suggest a kind of party at which drinking might occur. A smartass yells out, "A sex party!" which breaks up the students. Jeff ignores it and says, "I think I heard someone say birthday party." Way to live in the now, Jeff (tm Daniel -- another Daniel, not the Freaks and Geeks one). More painful acting takes place on stage and Daniel suggests to Lindsay that they cut out of the assembly. He leaves and she follows ten seconds later. Jeff moves on to the slide portion of the presentation during which he shows photos of teens that have died as a result of drinking and driving. It has a profound affect on Neal and Sam, who both squirm in their seats and frown during Jeff's descriptions of the deaths.
Daniel pretty much sums up my feelings about the assembly when he says, "I love being told not to drink by a pothead-hippy-guidance counsellor." I think we can all agree that drinking and driving is a bad idea but you need to deliver that message a little less disingenuously to teenagers in order for it to be effective. As they skulk through the halls, they pass a dude with way long, frizzy hair who Daniel addresses as Stoker when he reminds him about the $10 keg dues. Daniel threatens to cut off Stoker's hair if he tries to weasel out of it. Then, Daniel hopes that Lindsay won't mind that he invited his "cousin and a couple of his friends." She asks what grade they are in and Daniel replies, "No grade. They're older." Lindsay regains her composure and says, "Cool."
Sam, Bill, and Neal are standing at Sam's locker discussing how they can protect Lindsay. Neal declares that they have to go to the party but Bill can't go because "Dallas is on." Neal says, "Bill, Dallas sucks. Bill replies, "You suck." Sam applies some guilt and Bill says, "Fine, I'll go, but I'm watching Dallas there," and some passing girls giggle at that, so Bill adds, "I was just joking. I don't, I don't really watch Dallas."
After a bunch of commercials, we're back chez Weir and Dad Weir is barking out his final instructions before leaving. He notes that there's fifty dollars on the table, and that "it's not for those Star Wars cards or those Goofy Packs," and Sam interjects, "Wacky Packs." Dad says, "Whatever, don't blow it." Mom shows Lindsay about ten Tupperware containers that she's put in the fridge, telling her which meals they are for. As they are going out the door, it looks like Sam is going to spill the beans about the party but Lindsay gives him the stink eye, and he just tells his parents to have a good trip. When they've gone, Sam brings up the "improvisations" by the McKinley High Sober Students during the assembly. Lindsay lets him know that she saw them and that's why she left. Sam goes on trying to convince her not to have beer at the party and she ignores him and puts on an eight-track tape. He brings up the fact that she's never had beer at any of her other parties and she reminds him that they were birthday parties and they "went bowling." Grasping at straws, he mentions the party at which she had a magician, which "was fun," and he asks her why she won't have a magician this time. With a wave of her cookie-holding hand, she dismisses him and his magician idea.
Now we're in my grade thirteen Calculus class with Mr. Curran...oops, we're actually in Lindsay's math class, but her teacher could be Mr. Curran, if he only had more chalk dust on his ass, and a deck of Cameos or DuMarier Regulars (cigarette brand names, for you non-Canadians) in the shirt pocket of his short-sleeved shirt, under his sweater vest. Anyway, he's blathering on about functions of x, and c being a real number, while Lindsay appears to take copious notes. A stoner dude nearby mouths, "Par-tay!" to her, complete with the devil horns hand gesture. Yeah man, rock n' roll, hootchie-coo. Lindsay rolls her eyes and looks away. A female student appears at the door with a note, and she says that Lindsay has to go to the office to take an emergency call from her parents. She sits there stunned for a moment while Mr. Curran urges her with, "C'mon, let's go." After she grabs her things and leaves, he says, "Okay people, [eyes] back on me, the show's over." Okay, Chief. Sorry about your penis. I obviously still have issues with male math teachers.
Lindsay follows the messenger girl down the stairs and asks her what's going on. Messenger girl says, "I don't know, they didn't tell me anything." Nick is waiting at the bottom of the stairs and says, "Hey." She says "not now" as she rushes by. Nick explains that there isn't an emergency, that he made it up to get her out of class so that she could go with the gang to get the keg. She punches him when she realizes that she was needlessly worried about the non-existent emergency.
In the cafeteria, Bill tells Sam that he should call his parents and "tell them that [he] hit his head, and have them come home before the party." Sam immediately sees a flaw in this plan: his parents will come home and his head will be fine. Bill says, "Well, we'd have to hit you over the head and give you a bump." At that suggestion, Neal launches into a Clint Eastwood movie impression. Sam declines that offer, so then Bill mentions that his mother always serves non-alcoholic beer when his uncle visits "so he doesn't get all drunk, and yell at everyone." He goes on to say that "it is just like beer but it doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk." With remarkable restraint, Neal suggests the ingredient might be, "Alcohol?!?" Bill solemnly says, "Yeah." So, begins my infatuation with Neal. Sam thinks it is a great idea but that they'd need a whole keg, which would be expensive. Sam and Bill coerce Neal into using his Bar Mitzvah money to buy the keg, by mentioning that it would be helping Lindsay. When Neal agrees, Bill says, "Mazel tov." Neal says, "Shut up."
When Sam, Neal, and Bill arrive at the liquor store, Sam worries about getting shot and Bill wonders if they have YooHoo. Neal says, "Yeah, Bill, why don't you ask the guy, maybe he can change your diaper too." With a certain zombie-like grace, Bill shouts, "That was unnecessary!" At the counter, the liquor store guy says, "We're outta Pop Rocks." They tell him they want a keg of non-alcoholic beer so that they can switch the keg at Sam's sister's party, to which the guy says, "Righteous."
As they pull the keg home in a wagon, they worry about getting caught, and they start to run.
Lindsay has purchased a number of decorations for the party, which include a colourful unicorn poster on black velvet, which she unrolls as she gets ready for the evening. Neal elects to distract Lindsay in the kitchen while Sam and Bill switch the kegs. With some difficulty, he helps her open chip bags and she empties them into bowls.
Bill and Sam struggle with the keg and Bill complains about the heaviness of it.
Back in the kitchen, Lindsay cuts slices from a block of cheddar cheese that is the size of a car battery (tm George Costanza), and Neal asks her what type of music she is going to play at the party and he suggests "Chicago, they've got a really hot horn section," except that it sounded like he said 'porn' section. From what I know of Chicago then and now, I'm really hoping he said 'horn'. She says that she's going to "play some Zeppelin, Foghat, maybe some Sabbath." He says, "Friday night, always a good night for some Sabbath." Lindsay shoots him a quizzical look, so he carries on, "Cuz y'know, Friday...is the Sabbath...for the Jews." Then he shakes his head with a sick smile on his face, while his arms are outstretched in a motion that is inviting her to understand his joke. Neal, I got it and I think you are hysterical. ["As did I, and as do I." -- Wing Chun]
At this point, Sam and Bill are struggling to take the real beer keg down the hall into Sam's room and they drop it. Lindsay calls out wondering what the noise was. Sam tells her that Bill fell.
Lindsay insultingly asks Neal, "Hey, don't you want to go play with those guys?" Again, showing great restraint, he merely says, "No. I like talking to you." She just smiles.
Bill and Sam are back in the living room attaching the spigot to the faux-beer keg. Bill says, "If Neal marries your sister, then he'd be your brother-in-law, and then, then if you had kids, Neal would be their Uncle Neal. And then, I'd bet Lindsay's kids would look like Neal." Nothing gets past ole Bill. Sam, somewhat exasperatedly says, "Bill, shut up! He doesn't love Lindsay!" They bang the keg on the floor.
Lindsay wonders what the noise is. Neal explains, "I think Bill's got an ear infection. It's messing with his equilibrium."
Bill primes the pump on the keg, and it spurts out a stream of beer on to his crotch. Just then Lindsay pushes past Neal and comes to see what is going on. She notes Bill's wet pants, and an awkward exchange occurs when Bill tries to explain and Lindsay says that she understands. She then commands Sam to get Bill something dry to wear. Sam runs out and Bill follows.
The doorbell rings excessively as Lindsay places and replaces a bowl of snacks. The first guests are Daniel, Ken, and Nick. They come in and see several funky, velvet posters and Ken says, "What do you think we are, hippies?" Lindsay says she wanted the place to look more "party-like." Ken says, "I'll tell you what would make it more party-like. Point me to the keg," as he takes a glass beer stein out of his pocket. She points, and says, "It's in the corner." Ken responds, "Then, I'm in the corner." Daniel tells Lindsay not to be nervous and he says that the living room is probably big enough for the party, and he goes to check out the rest of the house.
Sam enters his room and says to Neal and Bill that he hopes everyone drinks a lot of the fake beer, "has to pee a lot, and then goes home." Neal mentions that the plan is genius, and Bill reminds them that it was his plan. Bill is instructed to guard the keg of real beer while Sam and Neal patrol the party.
Lindsay lets in more people while "Hush" by Deep Purple plays on the stereo and one of the guests says that the beer sucks. Neal tells him that it is imported beer. Another guest speculates that Daniel bought cheap beer and kept the extra money for himself.
Nick, while sounding slightly drunk, theorizes that John Bonham presages his impending death-by-choking-on-his-own-vomit in Song Remains the Same. Sam asks him to not sit on a glass table.
In the kitchen, Neal and a black student are discussing who has it worse at school, Neal because he is Jewish, or the other guy, because he is black.
Sam goes around collecting breakables and stowing them away.
Millie crashes the party because she saw all the cars in front of the house. Millie refers to Lindsay's new friends as her "drinking buddies." Just then, a guy comes by with a bunch of glasses of beer and yells, "Beer here!" Millie primly says, "No, thank you. I prefer to get high on life." The guy chokes then realizes that Millie is "that chick from that thing yesterday." He then asks her for a ride home and she agrees to give him a ride. Lindsay invites her to stay, and she announces that, "I'm gonna have more fun than any of you. Sober."
Lindsay hears some tires squealing and she runs outside to see what it is. She sees three dudes in their twenties with an old dude who has to be in his fifties. She asks if she can help them and they tell her that they're friends of Daniel's. Just then, Kim arrives and she jumps on of the dudes' backs. Millie stands agog, while the old dude makes a pass at Kim. The guy whose back she jumped on declares, "she's mine," and he carries her over his shoulder into the house. I'm with Millie here -- those guys were just gross. The old dude says, "C'mon boys, let's go tear this mother DOWN!" Millie almost faints and asks Lindsay who they are. Lindsay replies, "They're...my guests."
In the kitchen, Lindsay chugs some beer, and shouts to Ken, "Oh man, I gotta PEE!" And he says, "It's either that, or forfeit." Some of the guests complain about not getting a buzz from the beer while Millie reiterates that she hasn't had a drink but she's "sailing." Another guest recognizes Harris as one of the "Sober Students" just as he is about to drink beer through a funnel. Harris explains that he only does "because it looks good on [his] transcripts for college." One of the older guys is now shirtless and exhorting the kids to take their best shots at his stomach. Sam wonders if they put out the right keg and Neal assures him that it is working. ["I need to interject here and say that Harris looks exactly like one of my cousins did when he was in high school...in 1989. I find it comforting in a way that metalhead fashion continued with virtually no change for roughly a decade." -- Wing Chun]
Back in Sam's room, Bill watches Dallas, and casually eyes the keg. He slides over and licks the spigot.
Daniel checks out photos, trophies, and ribbons in Lindsay's room. She finds him and acts like they mean nothing to her and tries to play off her former geekiness. He tells her that if he won stuff like that, he'd "be so pumped."
In Sam's room, Bill drinks beer out of one of those little plastic football helmets that you used to be able to get ice cream in. He drains the helmet then puts it on his head. It was a priceless moment.
When someone takes a record off the turntable, Millie takes the opportunity to sit down at the piano and play a song which contains the lyrics, "Jesus is just all right with me." I don't know it, but Nick does, and he gets up and sings along. While they belt out the song, Sam sits beside Ken and asks him if he "likes [his] sister." Ken says yes and then Sam asks him to make sure that she "doesn't get into trouble." Ken says, "Sure. Which one is your sister? Not that chick who's singin', is she?"
Bill is kicking back with his helmetful of beer, still watching television, and he says, "Careful, careful J.R., it's a trap."
Then the really old dude almost starts a fight with Ken who accidentally bumped into him. The old dude head butts Ken in the stomach and calls him "fat boy." Daniel pulls Ken away before he kills the old dude, and the situation is diffused.
, Sam answers the door to Cindy and her cousin Beth, who is visiting from Boca Raton. Does Boca Raton mean "rat mouth" or something? Anyway, Beth wants at the beer and Cindy declares that she's the designated driver. Bill appears at the door, obviously drunk, and he gives advice to Sam on how to deal with Cindy, based on a "monkey show [he] saw on PBS." Bill tells Sam to be the "dominant monkey." Sam realizes that Bill is drunk, so he sends him back to his room. Bill says, "That was pretty dominant."
Lindsay wanders around looking for Daniel, then she discovers him making out with Kim, in her bedroom, on her bed. She walks away totally dejected and goes outside to talk to Nick. He explains to her that Daniel and Kim "break up, like every week." He tries to jolly her into having a good time, and they end up hugging and he promises to help her clean up. She seems to take some comfort from him until he ends up fumbling under her shirt, with her bra strap. Bad move, Nick. She yells at him and goes in the house. He calls after her with an apology. As well, he says, "I'm really wasted. John Bonham died!"
Back inside the house, Lindsay storms into her parents' room and Neal follows her. They begin to talk and Lindsay tells him that she hates her life. He points out that she's beautiful and that the world is her oyster. Um, don't mention oysters to someone who is drunk, or even someone who thinks she's drunk. She ends up hugging him and whining that she "wished [she] never had this party." Neal continues to comfort her.
Out in the living room, Sam eyes Cindy, and Nick asks him to tell Lindsay that he is sorry. Some of the other guests loudly engage in a chugging contest.
The noise causes Lindsay to wonder "what the hell is going on out there." She tells Neal that she didn't want to have the party and that it was "all Daniel's idea." Lindsay wants everyone out but she thinks that she'll look lame for kicking them out. Neal tells her that, "That Daniel guy, you can do better than that." He goes on to tell her a sob story about a bad party he had in the sixth grade. Someone knocks on the door to ask for another "five bucks from everybody, we're going to get another keg." Lindsay freaks, no pun intended, and Neal suggests that she call the police, pretending to be an angry neighbour, because that's what his "dad always does." Neal pours his heart out about his feelings for her and it just makes her cry more. D'oh! Neal phones the police himself and says, in a totally funny, pseudo-adult voice, "Yes. Hello, police? Yes. Hi. There's a very loud and annoying party going on door. It's been going on forever. I'm very tired and I'm old, and I need my rest. I've got to work tomorrow. Yes, it's 13 (G)nome Drive. Yes, please hurry. I'm so tired." I don't know if that street name refers to the elf, or the Alaskan city, but either one is pretty amusing. Lindsay thanks him then gives him a hug and a peck on the cheek.
Cindy and Sam chat on the couch, and Beth asks, "So, where are all the cute guys?" Sam says, "What? The bus hasn't arrived yet?" Cindy and Beth laugh. Neal runs into the room telling everyone that the police have arrived. They all charge out and Sam tells Ken not to worry because it was fake beer. Ken says, "I know. I won eighty-seven buck playing quarters, this party ruled!" If the party had been in Canada, the beer would have been in bottles, and Ken would have won his money playing caps. But whatever. ["I love Ken." -- Wing Chun]
Lindsay finds Bill passed out, in the doorway of Sam's room. She says, "Hey Bill, get up. That's how the drummer for Led Zeppelin died." The episode ends with Bill slurring, "Goodnight, Lindsay."
This week's show was fabulous, in my opinion. It sucks that we have to wait until the end of the month for a new episode. Damn major league baseball!
Check out ten things that Freaks and Geeks taught viewers.