This show helpfully categorizes everyone quite neatly before the opening credits even roll. We begin with a couple of supers to let us know exactly where and when we are: namely, "William McKinley High School, Michigan," "1980." There's a big, long panning sequence for an intro, beginning with football practice. On to the bleachers for a relationship discussion between a football player, Brett, and his cheerleader girlfriend, Ashley. She doesn't show up anywhere else in the show. Too bad, since she's one of the few characters sporting a 1980-ish feathery 'do. Ashley is wondering why Brett seems so distant these days, and if it's something she's done. She's espousing the virtues of communication to her lunkhead of a boyfriend, while he nervously hunts for the proper phrase to soothe her angst. Bingo: "Ashley, it's just that I...I love you so much...it scares me!" She giggles with glee and starts making out with him, and I cringe sympathetically for the first time, less than one minute into the show.
Pan to the "Freaks" hanging out under the bleachers, while the music changes from pop to rock. Daniel is philosophizing about a Molly Hatchett T-shirt: "You know, the one with the executioner guy on it, the bloody axe, and under his foot's the severed head?" Well, I remember that one, Daniel, though I'm trying hard not to. Daniel says he tried to wear it to church but the "stupid priest" wouldn't let him in the door. His friend tells him he can't wear that kind of stuff in church, and Daniel asks, "Why not, man? It's church! You're supposed to forgive people there! So you hate my shirt. Forgive me; let me come in!" Nick says, "Hey, I believe in God, man. I've seen him. I've felt his power. He plays drums for Led Zeppelin, and his name is John Bonham, baby!"
The camera slips past Lindsay Weir standing alone by the bleachers all symbolically, because, you know, she's not really part of any of these groups yet, and we move on to the "Geeks": Sam Weir, Neal and Bill. The music changes again, to Kenny Loggins's "I'm Alright", and the Geeks are quoting lines from what I assume is Caddyshack. Allan and his gang of two bullies approach, and Allan tries to pick a fight with Sam by insulting Bill Murray. When Sam says Bill Murray is cool, Allan responds in classic homophobic schoolyard fashion: "Oh, really? What is he, your boyfriend, Sam Queer?" Har-de-har-har, that one never gets stale!
Sam's friends edge away and try to look invisible while Allan threatens, "It's fightin' time, Weird." When Sam tells Allan to leave him alone, Allan responds with Insult Cliché #2: "I'm sorry, I don't speak Geek." That's followed with Insult Cliché #3: he's "always wanted to know what it's like to fight a girl." He could get his wish when Sam's sister Lindsay shows up and asks if he'd like to see what it's like to fight her. Allan's nervous comeback: "Uh...Weird's sister has to protect him?" Lindsay says she's just trying to figure out why Allan would need to "pick fights with guys who weigh less than a hundred pounds." Ouch.
One of Allan's little minions warns him: "Watch out, Allan, I think she's high on pot." Hee hee. Lindsay plays the intimidation card for all it's worth, and Allan backs down, but not before promising to beat up Sam when his "Freak sister" isn't around. Sam's friends have already slunk off, and Sam busts on Lindsay for defending him. His parting shot is that he weighs 103 pounds. You know, I could tell you every time this show makes me cringe with sympathy or empathy, but since it's every couple of minutes or so, I'll spare you. Lindsay rolls her eyes (believe me, she's just warming up in the eye-rolling department) and says, "Man, I hate high school."
It's the opening credits. Ooh, the song is Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation" -- cool. Except that the album didn't come out until 1981. "Bad Reputation" was recorded in 1980, though, so maybe it was a single earlier. Whatever. I'm just glad it wasn't an REO Speedwagon song, like I'd read somewhere on the Internet.
After the commercial, we're at the Weir house. The parents have names, but since their characters are just stereotypes at this point, I'm gonna call them Mom and Dad. Mom is clueless. She timidly brings up the subject that someone supposedly saw Lindsay smoking, which Lindsay denies. Dad (played by Joe Flaherty) says he had a friend who used to smoke. "You know what he's doing now? He's DEAD!" Sam mentions that Monty Python and the Holy Grail is playing at the theatre, and he and his friends are planning to watch it twice in a row on Saturday night. Mom points out that the Homecoming Dance is on Saturday and asks if Sam is going. Sam looks genuinely puzzled when he says, "No, why would I do that?" Mom says his sister will be attending, which Lindsay denies emphatically, leading to a lecture from Mom about how about how the kids should be learning how to socialize, and that's what high school dances are all about. Lindsay corrects her: "No, they're not. They're just a chance for the popular kids to experiment with sex in their cars....I mean, if that's what you want me to do, I'd be happy to go." Missing the point entirely, Dad chimes in with another story, this time about a girl in his school who had premarital sex. "You know what she did on Graduation Day? DIED, of an overdose -- heroin!" I really love Joe Flaherty, so I hope it's in their budget to get him a fresh joke soon. He tells Lindsay that if she doesn't want to go to the dance, she can always come in and work at the Midnight Madness Deer Hunting Sale he's having on Saturday.
It's another long pan through the school cafeteria, starting with a scary-looking lunch tray held by geeky Neal. In the background there's a popular guy taunting the developmentally disabled Eli. He's trying to get Eli to go hug another popular guy, Tom, which Eli does, while shouting, "My buddy! My buddy!" Tom doesn't hit Eli, which is probably what would have happened in my school, but he does retrieve his "manliness" by punching the first popular guy on the arm and calling him a jerk. The camera moves past a table of asshole jocks who have been observing this and laughing uproariously.
Neal finds his friends, and he launches into an excellent William Shatner impression: "Ah, oh, Mr. Bones, Mr. Spock, may I join you here in the Enterprise mess hall? I'm so hungry I could eat a tribble." Bill doesn't get it, but then the NBC site describes Bill as "a tall geek who looks smart, but really isn't." Sam's mom has left him a note in his lunch that reads, "Any girl would be lucky to go to the dance with you. Love, Mom." Bill says, "At least your mom doesn't write the note on the bag." His lunchbag reads, "I love you, little man. -- Mom." Sam asks his friends if they're going to the Homecoming Dance. Bill says, all deadpan, "I really don't see that happening."
Allan the Bully smashes his hand onto Sam's package of Twinkies, crushing them. Sam asks Allan why he did that. Allan says, "What are you gonna do, go crying to your sister, Sam Rear?" No, Sam's not going to go crying to his sister, because he's got an even worse idea. He calls over the lunchroom monitor, Mr. Kowchenski. Neal winces at Sam's faux pas, and Allan calls Sam a woman. Mr. Kowchenski asks Allan if he doesn't have "anything better to do than to crush Mr. Weir's dessert?" After sending Allan off to buy new Twinkies, Mr. Kowchenski offers Sam some disgusted advice: "Be a man." Do I detect a theme developing here? Neal tells Sam he shouldn't let Allan bully him like that, and Sam starts chastising his friends for not backing him up. Neal points out that if they do, Allan will terrorize them too, and Bill concurs with a look that says, "Duh!"
Lindsay goes up to Daniel and he asks her what's up. She replies, "Nothing, just hanging around," in the sort of awkward, scintillating conversation I recall all too well from high school. He asks her to hit the patio with him, and there's a beat before she asks, "Oh, the Smoking Patio? O-okay." She follows him out onto the Patio and then hesitates as she looks around. Maybe she's wondering why no one is smoking on the Smoking Patio. Bonus fun fact: when I was in high school, our smoking room was called the "Rap Room." I imagine it's called something different now.
Daniel introduces Lindsay around, and Nick remembers her from his English class last year as "the chick who got an 'A'." Extremely embarrassed, all Lindsay can come up with is, "Well, yeah, what are you gonna do?" According to the NBC site, Ken is "acerbic and rebellious". He replies, deadpan, "I don't know, what are you gonna do?" Silence. Lindsay asks if they're going to the Homecoming Dance. Daniel wonders if she's joking, causing Lindsay to realize her etiquette mistake. She explains that her dad's making her go. Ken asks, "Who's your dad, Hitler?" Lindsay tries to cover up by pretending she thought they might be going to the dance to make fun of people. Ken says he would go but he has a prior engagement: "My cousin just sent me a bunch of mushrooms, and I'm gonna eat them." I didn't know it was okay to talk about mushrooms on TV. But then again, at one of the (Canadian) networks I worked at, the censor was in his 60s and he let a lot of stuff go by that he just didn't understand. Nick warns them of the evils of the disco music that's sure to be played at the dance. I'm thinking back to the school dances I attended c. 1980, and I don't recall a lot of disco. Just Donna Summer's "Last Dance," which was usually the second-to-last dance, since the last dance was always "Stairway to Heaven." Anyway, Nick says that he'd rather make out with Principal Farber than attend the dance, to which Daniel replies, "Again?" Daniel and Nick engage in a bit of manly "impress-the-girl" hitting and jostling.
Lindsay's friend Millie has ventured out onto the edge of the Patio, so Lindsay goes over to talk to her. Millie wonders what Lindsay's doing out here, since the Patio "is for Freaks!" She also wants to know why Lindsay hasn't handed in her application for the Academic Decathlon. When Lindsay tells her she's not entering, Millie looks genuinely confused: "But you're our best Mathlete!" I think Lindsay starts to walk away off-camera, because Millie raises her voice as she says, "Well, aren't you at least going to help us sell refreshments at the Homecoming Dance? We're trying to raise money to buy the school a computer!" Lindsay shushes her and walks away.
Back to the Geeks. Sam watches in awe as Cindy Sanders walks into the cafeteria. Neal tells him to dream on. It turns out Cindy's bringing Sam his jacket which he'd left behind in science class. After she leaves, Bill explains the subtext of her actions: "That means she saw it, she remembered it was yours, she picked it up and carried it through the halls." Neal adds, incredulously, "People probably saw her with it." Sam wonders if she has a date for the dance. Bill thinks Cindy's in love with Sam. Well, the official site did say he wasn't very bright.
After the commercial, the Geeks are still debating whether Cindy is in love with Sam. On the "no" side, Neal points out that she is a different species than they are. He adds, "Okay, the dance is tomorrow, she's a cheerleader. You've seen Star Wars twenty-seven times. Do the math." Hey, that's pretty funny, but it's not an '80s phrase, is it? Sam mentions the old cliche about the prettiest girls not being asked out because guys are too intimidated, which leads Bill to conclude he should ask out Farrah Fawcett, and it's kind of hard to tell if he's kidding.
Same hallway, with the Freaks now. We meet Kim for the first time. She's supposed to be Daniel's girlfriend, and she's a bitch. She announces she's cutting class and asks if anyone has some gum. Lindsay starts helpfully looking through her purse but Ken pulls out a stick of gum from his pocket first. We know that Kim is a bitch because she asks Ken why he doesn't just blow his nose in a piece of bread and make her a sandwich. Listen up, Ken, it's not such a bad idea. Lindsay offers up some gum but Kim just asks Daniel, "What's she doing here?" He replies that Lindsay is their friend, which displeases Kim: "What, are you doing her so she'll help you with your math homework?" Lindsay asks if she's done something to Kim, and Kim says, "You're here." Lindsay's reply is a very adult, "I have as much right to be here as you do." Kim puts a nasty smile on her face and tells Lindsay, "Hey, Brain, I shoplift in your daddy's store. You're just some rich kid who's trying to piss off her parents. You think you can hang with these guys? You think that's gonna make you cool?" Lindsay doesn't know what to tell her. Kim says, "Let's be friends," as she reaches out to dump the contents of Lindsay's purse all over the floor, adding, "See you at the mall." She stalks off, the class bell rings, and Daniel is the only one who stays to help Lindsay pick up her stuff.
We see "Special" Eli, again. He's in the hallway, inviting girls to the Homecoming Dance. The girls are minimally polite, but they're giggling as they tell him they can't. One of the popular guys comes by and knocks Eli's book on the floor. Lindsay picks it up and asks what's wrong with Popular Guy. He resorts to a stereotypical popular guy insult so that there's no doubt in the viewer's mind that he is a jerk: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset your husband." The background girls giggle, and Lindsay asks, "What if he was my husband? That would be some kind of joke to you?" Popular Guy replies that he thinks they make a good couple. Lindsay asks Eli to the Homecoming Dance, and he accepts. They walk off together, and Popular Guy is left looking confused.
Boys' Locker Room. The Geeks are getting ready for gym class. Bill's skinny legs are sticking out of a pair of short gym shorts. He says, "These shorts aren't very flattering, are they?" That's a major understatement. Sam dubiously tries to tell him he looks good. Neal asks why Lindsay's been dressing so weird. After all, she's been wearing her dad's army jacket. Sam says Lindsay's been acting weird ever since their grandmother died. The NBC site also gives this as a reason for why Lindsay starts to question her life. I don't know why they need to resort to a plot device like that. I mean, isn't the fact that she's in her teens reason enough? If I'd needed a family member to die every time I questioned my life or changed my group of friends in high school, I'd be an orphan by now.
Allan the Bully walks by, threatening Sam again, but this time Bill stands up to him...sort of. "What's the point of all this?" Allan looks genuinely confused for a moment before her replies, "The point is you're dead, too...little man." Bill wishes he hadn't come to school today.
Gym Class. In honour of the Homecoming Dance, the teacher is giving them "the day off" by letting them play dodgeball. The popular guys cheer, the Geeks cringe (I'm with the Geeks on this one), and Allan throws Sam a nasty smile. The dodgeball game goes pretty much like you would expect it to. It's shot like a horror movie, all shaky cameras and weird angles. I don't know what fascist picked these teams, since all the athletic guys are on one, and the Geeks and some Freaks seem to be on the other. Needless to say, the athletes are the only ones throwing--the geeky team is just trying to avoid getting hit. The gym teacher is one of those sadistic pricks we've all had for a gym teacher at one time or another. He's a master of the homophobic insult, and he cheers when a Geek gets knocked down. Bill goes down in painful slo-mo, and Allan announces, "Okay, now it's time to smear Weir." Sam tries to hide behind Neal, telling him they have to stick together. He's probably glad that Neal pushes him away, because Neal gets hit, not once but twice, in the crotch. Marquis de Gym Teacher tosses the guy who nailed Neal out of the game, but not without affectionately calling him a "knucklehead." Eventually Sam is the only one on his team left standing. When he accidentally catches a ball that Allan has thrown at him, he's as shocked as everyone else. Sam throws the ball back, hoping someone will catch it to put him out of the game, but the athletic guys deliberately step back from it. They all advance on Sam, who knows when it's time to give up and take cover, as everyone pummels him until he's down on his knees. When it's over, he looks up to see Allan telling him, "You just signed your death warrant."
Bleachers. Two junior sadists are tormenting Special Eli, stringing him along until they've convinced him he can be President. Eli's shouting out, "President Eli! President Eli!" when Lindsay walks up to the bleachers to put a stop to it. She explains, "Eli, they're only laughing at you because you're retarded." Eli shoots back, "I'm not retarded, I'm special." He gets more and more upset until he's screaming that he doesn't want to go to the dance with Lindsay. He runs off but trips while getting off the bleachers. As Eli lies on the ground screaming, one of his tormenters asks Lindsay, "And I'm the mean one? How does that work?"
Guidance Counselor's office. Hippie-looking guy asks Lindsay what's going on. She replies, "I was trying to do something nice in this stupid school where nothing nice ever happens. But instead Eli broke his arm and now I feel like the biggest idiot in the world." Turns out the guidance counselor just wants to know why she's not participating in the Academic Decathlon. After all, she is their best Mathlete! Lindsay must be able to read my mind, because she says, "Oh, God, please don't say that word." When Lindsay says she doesn't have any problems to talk about, Hippie Guidance Counselor tried to get her to "rap, as people, okay?" Okay. He says, "From now on I'm not 'Mr. Rosso, Guidance Counselor'." Nope, he just wants to be Jeff, her "friend who cares." Oh, God, please excuse me for a moment while I try to stifle my flashbacks to our high school Health teacher. Possibly the most annoying man in the world, he taught the only class where I didn't learn a thing, and he also wore clogs. Anyway, Jeff says, "So, come on, Linz, talk to your buddy Jeff." Looking unbelievably annoyed, Lindsay says she's never felt better. Jeff says she should tell that to her face, and he makes the kind of funny face that should be illegal everywhere. Inexplicably, Lindsay does not clobber him. She confines herself to a little eye-rolling and looks away.
Classroom. Hey, there's one of those "helpful" films playing that asks, "Is a career in the professions for you?" Nick sees Lindsay looking upset. He tells her that after this class, they're gonna cut school together, since he has something to show her that he says will make her "feel a lot better." Don't look so nervous, Lindsay, I doubt he's talking about his penis.
School grounds. The Geeks are consulting an older Geek for advice. Older Geek explains that Allan is "only acting out his insecurities in a new environment. If you can disconnect emotionally, it's really quite sad. In his own way, he's reaching out for a friend." Based on his own Freshman Bully experience, Older Geek suggests fighting Allan. Of course, it turns out the only reason Older Geek was left alone afterward is because his tormenter got expelled. Neal thinks fighting Allan is a terrible plan, and he tries to weasel out of it by saying that Allan isn't his tormenter. Neal has just finished explaining that he knows Allan's class schedule and avoids the halls where he knows Allan will be, when he turns around and bumps into...Allan, who now effectively becomes Neal's tormenter too.
Nick and Lindsay are standing in front of a garage door that is opening slowly to reveal...the world's biggest drum kit. Actually, it's just the world's second-biggest drum kit, since Nick points out that with six more pieces he'll have a bigger kit than Neil Peart from Rush. Awright. Lindsay's trying to look supportive. Nick philosophizes -- quite sweetly, actually -- that this drum kit is the essence of who he is: "Before I had this, I was lost too. You see what I'm saying? You need to find your reason for living. You've gotta find your big, gigantic drum kit, you know?" Lindsay says that maybe she'll buy a clarinet. Um, I think this whole scene is pretty cool, but after years of playing what my sister stills insists on calling "the ol' licorice stick," I can personally assure Lindsay that her plan needs a little work.
Nick and Lindsay are walking down a road, and he's inviting her to come over Saturday, since his guitar-playing friends will be there, and they're all planning on "playing Dark Side of the Moon or something." Hee! I don't know about Lindsay, but I'd like to be there. When Lindsay says she can't lie to her father, Nick offers to put on a suit and pick Lindsay up. They'll drop by the dance and take off, so that she can go out but not have to lie to her dad about it. Aww!
Ooh, look, Jeff the guidance counselor drives up. He offers Lindsay an ultimatum: she can take part in the dreaded Academic Decathlon, or he will tell her parents she was skipping school. "You're forcing me to be a Mathlete?" she asks in horror. When she tells him he can't do that, he reverts to calling her Miss Weir as he offers up his "tough love" solution: he's going to call her parents to let them know she's turning into "a burn-out who skips class." Oh, and he sentences her to working the refreshment table at the Homecoming Dance.
Back at the Weir household, Dad is informing Lindsay that Jimi Hendryx used to cut class: "You know what happened to him? He DIED, choking on his own vomit." Mom says she's glad Lindsay's grandmother isn't alive "to hear about this." Dad goes on to lecture about "cutting corners", blah, blah, Kennedy, Bay of Pigs, Janis Joplin. Lindsay cuts him off by pointing out that she just cut class and "everybody's still alive." She stomps on outta there.
Lindsay is in her bedroom, looking at a picture of her grandmother. Sam comes in, wanting to know if Lindsay thinks he, Bill and Neal could beat up Allan. She says yes to just Allan, no way to Allan and his buddies. She goes on to tell the story of how she was the only person in the room when their grandmother died. When her grandmother grabbed her hand in terror and said she didn't want to go, Lindsay didn't know what to do, which might explain why instead of trying to comfort her dying grandmother, she asked , "Do you see God or heaven or a light or anything?" "No, there's nothing," replied Grandma. Lindsay says, "She was a good person all her life, and that's what she got." There's a long pause, and then Sam asks, "So, do you think we could beat up Allan?" Lindsay says, "Yeah. He's a goner."
Bill and Neal are walking down a road to the background music of "Renegade" by Styx. They're on their way to beat up Allan. Sam hasn't joined them yet, but Older Geek's friend Colin has come to watch. We cut to Sam running down a school hallway. He's almost out the door when Cindy says hi to him. Cut back to the other Geeks. Colin is offering them "helpful" advice regarding various ways they could die fighting. Neal thinks they should leave when Bill sees Sam approaching and waves to him. Unfortunately it's not Sam -- it's Allan. Sam and Cindy start a pointless and awkward conversation. Allan pushes Colin and the fight begins. Bill bravely throws aside his glasses and jumps Allan. The three-on-one fight continues while Sam finally gets around to asking Cindy to the Homecoming Dance. She's got a date, but she promises to save him a dance. Allan's shirt has been ripped in the fight, and he leaves.
The boys are walking down the street, congratulating themselves on the fight, when Sam reaches them. He apologizes for being late and thanks them for sticking up for him. He tells them about Cindy saving a dance for him, and Neal tells him he's gotta make it a slow dance.
Finally, it's the Homecoming Dance. We know this because there's a shot of a disco glitter ball and Styx's "Come Sail Away" is playing. A pissed-off Lindsay is sporting her army jacket and glaring from behind the refreshment table. Her friend Millie sways back and forth in one of the dorkiest dance moves I've ever seen. Jeff is standing on the other side of Lindsay. He says, "If the worst thing in the world is that somebody makes you go to a dance, then I'd say you've got a pretty good life." True, but hearing it from Jeff probably wouldn't make me any happier than it seems to make Lindsay.
Sam comes in and looks for Cindy. Oh, my God, the wardrobe people must have done their shopping at the Goodwill where I drop off my old clothes, because Cindy is wearing the bridesmaid's dress I wore in my cousin's wedding in 1981. Except she's taken off the chiffon cape thingie that goes with it. We're still on the slow opening part of "Come Sail Away" as Sam asks her to dance. She's got one of those big honkin' corsages on her wrist, the kind with all the ribbons. You can see this part coming from a mile away, but I laugh anyway when Sam leads her onto the dance floor just in time for the headbanger part of the song to kick in. Poor Sam either feels extremely cheated by his luck or does not know how to dance, or both. He stands there for a bit until he finally starts to dance. Soon he's got a big smile on his face, as does Lindsay when she looks over at him.
Lindsay sees Eli standing alone. She tells Jeff she'll be right back. He tells her that maybe she should call him Mr. Rosso. Lindsay and Eli start dancing. Soon Lindsay is throwing off her army jacket. God, I hope she's just doing that because she's hot and not that they're planning on decking her out in cutesy outfits on future episodes.
Bitchy Kim is watching Lindsay dance with Eli. When the guy standing to her comments, "Now, there's the perfect couple," she hits him on the shoulder. Golly, this must be the most magical school dance ever! Kim and Lindsay have undergone dramatic personality changes and every damn person in that gym is smiling. If it all keeps going so well, I'm expecting that by the end of the dance they will have solved the problem of world hunger and discovered the cure for cancer. I'm also kind of wishing I'd turned off the TV when the disco glitter ball first made its appearance.
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