As the last episode of the first season of Fraternity Life begins, I find myself shedding a tear. Not because the show is over for the time being, but because I had leftover onion residue on my hands and have been furiously rubbing my eyes. Anyway...previously on Fraternity Life, Steve pissed off Ron the Scary Alum by bringing women into the house and acting like a complete heterosexual. The nerve! He also threatened Earl when Earl wouldn't let him drive the SUV, calling him a "bleepitty bleeper." This caused the brothers to talk smack about him during a meeting with phrases like "He's lazy and ignorant and he just doesn't care" and "He had women in the house! Did you hear me? Women!" But don't think Steve's the only one on thin ice. Nope. Earl's made his share of enemies over the last seven weeks as well. He dared to say "Whatever!" to a brother who stole his cell phone, and then got chewed out at a line-up for being a screw-up. The way this preview has been edited, it almost makes you feel like one of the two won't be getting in to the fraternity. Yeah, I know. Commence gasping.
We get the requisite shots of Buffalo at night, sponsored by the Buffalo Area Chamber of Commerce. Tonight we even get a shot of a cat with radioactive eyes. If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'. Radioactive f'n eyes, I'm tellin' ya. It must have wandered up from Three Mile Island. Earl feels like he needs to write the brothers a letter of apology for being a massive human dildo for the past seven weeks. Which is kinda funny. Not laugh-out-loud funny, but peculiar, because during the last episode, Paul suggested to Earl that he write a letter and Earl said that wasn't happening. Now he wants to write a letter. Suddenly he's getting all Anne Frank on us, trying to save his ass. He says that he feels like he can "almost taste" what it's like to be a brother. You're right, Earl. That taste is the remnants of the spectacular rimjob that you recently performed on a peacefully sleeping Brad. Now you know exactly what it's like to be a brother.
Earl takes the letter over to the fraternity house, drops it off on the porch, rings the doorbell, and then runs like hell. We hear some brother who we haven't even seen up until this point reading the letter to the brothers. "The purpose of this letter is to explain what the pledge process has taught me," the nondescript brother reads, stumbling over the words that are longer than one syllable. "Since I've started pledging, I've realized that I've been close-minded and not exactly the best ass-kisser in the group. I realize now that it's all about the booty smoochin'. I'm a lousy booty smoocher. But hey...I lost my virginity to a horse-faced stripper around Week Three and I've developed some heinous sores on my Li'l Earl and my Mama's threatening to sue MTV for hooking me up with a whore. So as you can see, I've had a lot on my mind that didn't include sucking up to a bunch of closeted gay men in order to join their little Mickey Mouse club. But I promise to do better in the future if I even have a future with this parade of jackasses. Hugs and kisses, Earl. P.S. Steve sucks." All the brothers are sitting around, absorbing this horseshit with the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for funerals. Jimmy says he liked the letter because it showed that Earl's moved from being a whiny little bitch into a guy that's ready for the fraternity. George says it's too little too late, and that Earl is about as useful as a pair of Brad's blood-soaked undies. Jimmy says that we'll just have to wait to see what happens. Great. Why couldn't they just tell us now, let the episode be five minutes long, and run a Shakira video marathon for the twenty-five minutes? I curse you, MTV!
The morning, the pledges are in the basement sweating out their upcoming Pledge Exams as "I Week" continues. Good God, this has been the longest I Week in history; it's now into its third week. Jarreau is walking down the steps and then just blurts, "Dude! I don't know who the officers were last year!" signifying that he's not prepared for the exam. He was obviously coached on this line and the coach said, "All right, act like a complete tool when you say this line." It's quite possibly the stiffest acting I've seen since Elizabeth Berkley gave Kyle McLachlan El Humpo Spastico in the pool in Showgirls. Jarreau says that he either knows all this information or he doesn't. Jarreau...Sybil. Sybil...Jarreau. Colin -- the president of the fraternity and Keeper of the Ears -- says that the upcoming exams are everything that the pledges have learned in the last seven weeks all rolled into one. Kinda like a Fruit Roll-Up. Mmmmm...Fruit Roll-Ups! Tim admits that he sucks at taking tests, and opines that entrance into the fraternity should be based more on character than taking a test. Timmy. Stick with the test results, my friend, and pray to God they don't base your entrance on your character or you're more fucked than Traci Lords. Earl's actually yelling in his POV that they've been preparing for this test for seven weeks and that everything revolves around passing this test. Yes, Earl. We get it. The show's barely three minutes old and we've had that fact rammed down our throats by every single character in the episode so far. Yelling it isn't going to make us comprehend it any stronger, you mustard-flavored discarded scumbag.
The Puke shows up with their pledge exams. His hat is facing forward, so he obviously means business. Jarreau's face gets that same look he got when he found out he was about to be sodomized by every alum from the frat...a look of wistful ecstasty. He whispers to Alex "We have to take the tests now?!" No, dimwit. Take them home and work on them over the weekend, you goofy fartbag. Tim reiterates once again that he sucks at tests. This is exactly why I hate this show: it's the same crap uttered over and over again for thirty minutes. I want to take my hands, cup them, and then clap Tim over the ears several times in hopes of rupturing his eardrums.
The guys are quietly taking their exams when somebody farts really really loud. Everyone looks in Steve's direction and it turns out that it wasn't a fart, it was his cell phone on vibrate, vibrating across the wooden table. Sorry. But I challenge anyone to think otherwise about the origin of the noise in this scene. Steve picks up the phone and just starts rapping with whoever's on the other line. He says he'll pick them up real soon. Earl can't believe this shit. Who in his right mind would take phone calls during his pledge exam? You know -- assuming that Steve's actually in his right mind and hasn't spent the afternoon huffing random household cleaners. Steve tells The Puke that it was a family member on the phone. Apparently Steve has a family full of drug dealers. All the guys roll their eyes on Steve's behalf. The tests are snatched up by The Puke, and Tim's panicking because he doesn't think he passed the test and now he'll never be able to host the Fraternity Life Reunion Special, which has been a dream of his for about seven weeks now.
The brothers grade the tests, and we see one test with "Failed" written across the top of it. We know it's Steve's because his name's right there on it with his nickname "Token" written to his name. Christ, guys. Just call the kid "Al Jolson" and make him perform "Mammy" on a nightly basis if you're going to demean the ignorant bastard. So the brothers are all babbling that Steve didn't pass the test. We then go back and forth between the brothers upstairs and the pledges chained to the walls in the cellar. There's another brother who's getting his thirty seconds of fame talking about how people are not automatically depledged simply because they don't pass the exam. So what's the purpose of even giving them the test, dickhole? Downstairs in the dark, Paul's explaining to the other pledges that right now the brothers are debating on who continues pledging and who doesn't. Tim's staring at his wrists, trying to decide which vein looks the most ripe for picking should he be asked to depledge his ass off. He says he hopes that when it's announced that he failed the test, his pledge brothers back him up. It's been a long, strange trip, and fortunately I've blocked out most of the memories of this crapapalooza of a show, but other than the way he strung Nicole along, I don't think Tim's been that bad a guy. Well, he called Earl's girlfriend a horse-faced puddle of sperm, but other than that, he's been a nice guy. I'd back him up. Christ. Look at me. I'm getting all sentimental here over one of these cheesy twats. (Which, by the way, would make a wonderful name for a new snack cracker. Are you listening, Madison Avenue?)
Upstairs, the voting process is kicking out the jams. Colin's ears state that it's not true that if you fail the exam you're automatically kicked out. We've already heard that from Captain Fifteen Seconds Of Air Time, Colin. Jarreau's nervous. Earl's nervous. Alex's nervous. Steve says he thinks that one of his pledge brothers is going to be voted out to test the solidarity of the group to see if they'll band together and refuse to continue unless they continue as a group. You'd better hope so, Toke. The votes are all put in a hat that's passed among the brothers as some tension-inducing music is played in the background. The pledges are downstairs, wringing their hands and acting like this is the most important day of their lives. Jarreau says that despite all the crap that's gone on between him and Earl, he will walk away from the process if Earl's tossed out on his Mama's Boy Ass. Which reminds me of a joke: Knock knock. (Who's there?) Jarreau. (Jarreau who?). Jarreau's a fucking dumb-ass. Yeah. So anyway, the votes are in...Jarreau gets 29 "yes" votes and one abstention. He's in. Same with Paul, Alex, and Tim. Earl's name is called, and all the brothers look uncomfortable. We wait for the count on Earl. We wait. We wait. MTV goes to commercial. Damn you, MTV! For thirteen episodes we've been forcefed a television show that has all the drama of a Monty Python sketch and now that you've finally come down to something we actually want to see, you cut to commercial?! Ack! I spit at you! You know...via my television screen, which technically doesn't affect you, but it sure makes me feel a lot better inside, yessirree me.
Back from commercial, they waste little time in telling us that Earl has gotten the votes needed to be inducted. Those manipulative bastards! I had already decorated my "Na na na na hey hey goodbye Earl!" sign with the appropriate amount of glitter and sparkles during the commercial and they pull this stunt on me. Steve's turn. He gets sixteen "yes" votes, seven abstentions, and seven "no" votes. Jeez. I personally got more write-in votes in the 2000 Presidential Election than this poor bastard got from his potential frat brothers. So Steve has been voted out and is now depledged. Brad's panties immediately bunch up as he says that whoever wrote a "no" keeping Steve from being part of the fraternity needs to get the fucking balls to go downstairs and tell the kid to leave. This causes the brothers to start bickering over who's going to tell Steve he's out. They're obviously scared shitless of the guy because fourteen people didn't vote yes, but none of them have the testicular fortitude to tell him that. Finally, George decides he has the scrotum of Paul Bunyan and says that since he voted "no," he'd be more than thrilled to tell Steve to his face that there's no room for tokens here and that Steve's MTV career is officially over. Nobody has a problem with George doing the dirty work. Now the talk turns to the brothers all being worried that all the pledges will leave in a show of solidarity for Steve. So they bicker about that for a while. Some brother named Greg says he really hopes the pledges don't all walk out because that'll suck. Actually, if all the pledges were to walk away from this right now, I swear to you, I would have automatically given this episode an "A" and declared it the best show on television. Sure, I would have felt like I just wasted the last thirteen weeks of my life on this shit, but I already felt like that. Having the show just completely fall fucking apart at the end would be the only way to redeem this car wreck.
George goes downstairs to get Steve, who greets him with a blank stare. They trudge up to the attic, where Steve is told to sit down. He wanders around the room in a drug-addled haze until someone points out the one available chair for him. He sits down and decides that it might be a good idea to remove his hat in case they decide to present him with a new Sigma Chi Omega hat with really nifty gold lettering on it and hoist him up on their shoulders and parade around the attic singing the "King Steve" song. You know the one: "King Steeeve, you're the greatest guy around! King Steeeve, the greatest guy in town! King Steeeve, you never let us down! Token Steeeve, oh man your skin is brown!" Yeah, that one. George hemhaws around, trying to think of the most dramatic way to break the news to Stevie that he's now just a footnote in the history of the frat, and finally just blurts that due to his miserable work on the exam, thirty boots have been placed firmly in his ass and metaphorically shoved him down the stairs. Steve greets the news with the same fucking blank stare that he's worn for the last thirteen weeks. He just sits there. I'm beginning to wonder if he's deaf like that chick from Survivor. Brad says that telling Steve to leave really upset him. If you watch closely, Brad about loses it right there. His wimpy little chin tightens up and his eyes glisten. All those fantasies of getting into a late-night towel-snapping contest with a semi-naked Steve just went down the tubes. Colin's ears tell Steve that maybe he can try again semester. Steve asks if there's any chance he can retake the exam. Yeah, Steve...no problem. In fact, you just keep taking the test until you pass it, you fucking crackhead. Steve says he'll leave if that's what the brothers want. Duh, Steve-O. If they wanted you to stay, they would have voted you in. Steve says in a POV that he's shocked that he was depledged. He's disappointed in himself for not putting across enough effort into doing well on the exam. Then he hauls ass out of there while Brad emotes for the camera and George relaxes, since he was pretty convinced that he was about to get knifed.
The pledges are brought upstairs, and are told that Steve failed his pledge exam and has consequently been depledged. They all look bored with the news. Jarreau says he's shocked, but then again, he expected it since Steve was, after all, a lazy ignorant crackhead. Earl says that when he first heard the news, he didn't know whether he would stay or walk. Stay or walk. Here's a helpful hint for you, Earl: the guy riled you up so much that you killed his pet at one point during the pledge process. Call me a pessimist, but I think you might want to stay. George and Colin are all tiptoeing around the pledges now and, in effect, kissing their asses, trying to tell them to hang with the fraternity and fuck Steve in the booty hole. The pledges are slowly realizing that, finally, they have the power in this whole process. The brothers don't want them to depledge because then the fraternity will be the laughingstock of every Greek organization from Buffalo to Albany. Earl asks if they can go downstairs to think about this. They're allowed to go downstairs. The brothers are all freaking out that the pledges are about to walk, while the pledges decide they need to seriously discuss what's happening. Jarreau says he can't believe that it's come to this -- that he might be walking out of the pledging process in a half-assed attempt to show solidarity with a guy who made corpses look positively animated.
Back from commercials, the pledges are discussing the Steve Situation. Jarreau says he'll walk, but he has to make sure that Steve gave a shit about any of them. Alex feels bad that Steve went all the way through the process and now has nothing to show for it except a blistered ass. Paul says that when it came time for Steve to prove that he wanted to be a brother, he couldn't do it. Tim says he doesn't trust people very easily, but that he trusted Steve all the way up until the last few days when Steve started to self-destruct. Tim says that he's not walking out of the process for Steve's benefit. Alex asks who's going to walk for Steve. Nobody wants to do it. So it's sayonara, Stevie. I guess Jerry Lewis lied when he said you'll never walk alone. The pledges come back upstairs, and the brothers are visibly worried. Alex says that they're going to stay rather than walk for that imbecile Steve. He doesn't feel like they rolled over on Steve and that, during I Week, Steve really showed the group what he was made of. None of them feels the least bit guilty about it. George wipes the sweat from his front teeth and tells the pledges that they'll continue doing what they've been doing. Colin reminds the pledges that it's not over yet. A pitiful groan emits from my throat at this revelation.
In a POV, Steve says he gave the fraternity 100% and that he put his whole heart into it and feels that they slapped him in the face. He wishes the pledge brothers the best of luck and says that they're still brothers amongst themselves and that he still loves those guys. He truly loves those guys -- more than his love for illicit drugs, and that's saying a lot. We see footage of fire trucks, and the thought goes through my head that Steve has torched the frat house. Sadly, it's just random Buffalo footage. I'm convinced that God stopped answering my prayers roughly fifteen weeks ago.
The pledges have been told to get dressed up, and they don't know why. Duh, you stupid bastards, check your calendars. Hell Week is over. Once again, Jarreau says they're all nervous about it. These guys are going to need a vast amount of Xanax before this Hell Week is over. I'll bet they wish Steve was still around now. They've all smoothed down their hair with saliva-covered palms and are led into the house by The Puke, who gives the camera his patented evil stare. We're reminded that this is a secret ritual involving gerbils, Vaseline, and cardboard paper towel tubes, and that cameras aren't allowed. That's cool. Most of us don't have the stomach for that kinda shit anyway. Meanwhile, the brothers all sneak in wearing shirts and ties, and many of them have their hats facing forward, which signifies a formal fraternity meeting. The secret ritual lasts three hours and is going on while various smarmy brothers stand out on the lawn, welcoming the pledges to the family via video greetings. Brad's carrying something that is blurred out. I'm guessing it's a 12" strap-on. Apparently, sometime during the secret ritual, they all crossed over into brotherhood. We're then treated to about five minutes of drunken hugging and kissing among frat boys. They're knocking each other over and climbing on top of each other. The pledges are all saying what a wonderful feeling it is to finally be a part of the brotherhood.
We then get the most bizarre scene of the series. I cannot possibly do it justice here. Jarreau and Tim are on the front lawn, hugging very inappropriately. It's an extremely tight hug and Tim's mouth is agape and rested against Jarreau's cheek. Tim's basically apologizing for all the shit he's done for the last seven weeks and says that he loves Jarreau. Jarreau says he loves Tim. No, Tim insists. It is Tim who loves Jarreau. No, Jarreau corrects him. It is Jarreau who loves Tim. They hug for twenty seconds on camera and you can see Jarreau kind of politely struggling to get away from Tim. Tim just won't let go until Jarreau finally wisely pulls away. He extends his hand for a friendly frat-brother handshake, and Tim pulls Jarreau to him again and hugs him even tighter. Jeebus. The scene has me shifting uncomfortably in my seat on Jarreau's behalf. Earl's telling some other guys that they're the best thing that's ever happened to him in his whole life. Somebody screams, "Let's go to the bars!" and they take off to the bars, where they're all wrapped around each other, helping each other walk. There had to be some sort of alcohol poisoning going on in that basement for three hours, because these guys are barely coherent and just a wee bit too excited to be fraternity brothers.
Paul says that Greek life is amazing, and that if you don't experience it, you're missing out on a wonderful college experience. We are then treated to footage of past episodes where the boys pulled wacky pranks like squirting fire extinguishers at each other while they showered and super-gluing Steve's urethra shut while he slept. The series ends with Earl standing in the front yard saying "Hoo-hah! We're finally done, boys. That's a wrap." Sweeter words have never been spoken.
Gawd, I'm glad that's over. Like Stee once said, this show zapped all the funny out of me. I will say that if I ever want to watch grown men act like retarded children again, I'll tune in C-SPAN. Bye guys. Have a nice fraternity-free summer.