In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
It could be the fact that there were no scenes at the end of the episode -- signifying that my torture might end soon -- but I didn't hate it. In fact, to commend Andy Moffat for his non-sucking acting, I will start calling him by his character name: Warren. Plus, I can have loads more fun with that name. Warren receives a service award from GAYLA at a Gala. But will Patty Duke show up to watch her son's shining glory? I tell you, my nails are bitten to the quick because of the nerve-wracking anticipation. What do men made of plastic use for protection? Ask Anna because she overcame her initial chastity and jumped into bed with PlasticMan. In other sexual news, Riley and Shaggy work on a case together that gets them hot, and O'Donnell disrobes everyday in front of his morning meeting. Oh, I almost forgot! It turns out that Anna is a good lawyer and a good person, because the PlasticMan tells me so. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Usually, I'm so lazy and can't face rewatching hours and hours of this tripe after a hard day's work in one of AOL-Time Warner's dancing puppet coal mines, but I'm actually going away this weekend for once, so I'm on a collision course to get this thing finished before Friday. I'm giving fair warning that things could get a little weird in here.
You know, after watching it in Scotland in January, I was so very excited for The Weakest Link to lap at our shores, but now I'm just so sick of it I probably won't even watch it in April.
Excessive panting. Can't Shaggy and Riley ever give it a rest? Suddenly, inciting even greater stomach turning, PlasticMan and Anna pop up to the surface for air. "Sorry about your chair," Anna gasps. "Oh, I'll just buy a new one," PlasticMan pants back. Anna asks him to get a softer rug as well because she's "chafed." You know, even saying she got rug burn would be more palatable than saying she got "chafed." Lots more slobbering, panting, and saying "amazing," and is that her shoe he has clutched in his hand? You know what, I don't even want to know. Anna, the vain coquette, asks which part was amazing. "Right now?" PlasticMan asks. "Your ass hanging down to your toenails." I hit rewind and find he says "[her] breath on [his] earlobes." Funny how I choose not to remember it that way. PlasticMan says, "It's so nice being with you," in Aw-I-Want-To-Cuddle-Now tones. Anna agrees and then jumps up, saying she has to go. As she throws on clothes, PlasticMan (figuratively) scratches his big plastic head. Anna tells him that since they agreed to take things slow, her staying over would be the opposite of that. PlasticMan still holds a shoe of hers in one hand -- and now he's got a pair of hot pink lace peen-tees in the other -- as Anna explains that The Sex was good stress relief, but sleeping over "defines a relationship." Suddenly panting again, she throws an arm on his shoulder (ew, he's all slicky and nasty with sweat, and I'll bet that suit jacket is "dry clean only"!) and kisses him goodbye. PlasticMan mmmm-smoooches her back and says, "You know, dating you is like dating a guy." Anna corrects him, saying that they're having sex, not dating, and suddenly I see how stringed-out and sweat-sodden her hair is. PlasticMan has a 45 watt-er: "Oh, oh, here's a thought, if we keep fooling around until we have to go to work, technically, you wouldn't be sleeping over, right?" Anna ponders this as they gasp and dab at each other some more. "You up for it?" he asks. Anna guffaws and says she doesn't think that's the question. Then they laugh together, and Anna's open mouth threatens to engulf PlasticMan's cranium. PlasticMan gets up, saying he needs some Gatorade , so I guess they're going for it. He half-stumbles, half-limps to the door (did anyone wonder if there was any nylon-around-the-knees going on because of his difficulty in walking? Okay, maybe I'm the perv) and opens it to Shaggy's (enraged? confused?) face. "What's the look?" PlasticMan asks. As if answering the door stark-staring-nekkid wasn't look-worthy enough. PlasticMan looks down in that direction and -- aww, man, Shaggy looks down there too! "Total awe," Shaggy says.
Joe and O'Donnell step off the elevator. O'Donnell is berating his lackey: "Joe, I told you to bring my Jhane Barnes pants and my Tencel shirt, come on, man!" Joe snaps back, saying, "It was dark! You know, maybe if you had gone home last night after the fundraiser instead of opting for a night of meaningless sex with an anorexic syphilitic bimbo, you could've picked out your own wardrobe!" O'Donnell makes sure to deliver the following line just as he walks into his morning meeting with his first-year minions: "Then nobody would know I slept with a supermodel, Joe! Good morning, minions!" Okay, shout-out from the top of Krakatoa if I've ever heard one -- he's never referred to them as "minions" before! The Senior Asso who gave Riley the prison-mom/adoption case in the pilot offers O'Donnell a prune danish or coffee and calls O'Donnell "Mr. O," which is weird, because if they're not the same age, Senior Asso is older, and also because Senior Ass called him "Sam" in the last ep. O'Donnell tells him he can stop slobbering all over his ass and asks for the case files. Senior Asso slides a huge mess of files down to O'Donnell, who snatches the first one and reads, "First up, Gooding v. Elation Motorcycle. Miles, you're riding shotgun with Bruce. Product liability. Our client, Mr. Gooding, is pissing into a baggie after losing control of his Elation 2000 and plowing into a city bus. You're in court in exactly three days. Product liability." Joe starts to help O'Donnell out of his black-tie attire. "In court?" PlasticMan repeats, throwing a look to Anna, who looks jealous. As Joe reaches around O'Donnell's chest with a shirt, O'Donnell tells PlasticMan his job is to "look lawyerly" because he has to show "strength in numbers" and "have a warm body." Just in case PlasticMan felt flattered at all after that speech, O'Donnell concludes with, "I only gave it to you because of your haircut."
, he assigns Riley and Shaggy to the same case. "Together, really?" Shaggy squeaks. "Down, boy," O'Donnell says, tells them the case is "highly confidential," and smacks Joe's hands as he tries to remove his belt. Joe, unfazed, readies a pair of pants. O'Donnell continues, "Our client is Miss Burgess, she's a photographer, and she's suing a certain Hollywood bad boy --" "Wh-which one?" Shaggy asks. Riley picks up the snapshot O'Donnell slides over and says, "Uh-uh!" Jaw akimbo, she shows the snap to Anna, who likewise plants her jaw on the table. O'Donnell tells them that their client has some close-ups of this Bad Boy and his girlfriend "in flagrante" on a hotel patio. "So the no-talent, acne-scarred, panty-wearing, flavor-of-the-month broke her cameras," O'Donnell says. Wait, who's the no-panty, talent-scarred, flavor-wearing acne-of-the-month, Russell Crowe -- 'scuse me, I mean the Hollywood Bad Boy -- or his girlfriend? Joe hands O'Donnell a new belt and tells him to admit he's just jealous of the guy's hairline. Have I mentioned that O'Donnell's losing hair faster than a high-strung cat in 95-degree heat who's just been told his neutering didn't quite take the first time around? As Riley and Shaggy paw through all the photos, drooling and stuff, Shaggy asks if it isn't an invasion of privacy. O'Donnell asks, "Whose side are you on, Edgar?" with a deadly look. Shaggy gulps. O'Donnell turns to Andy Moffat (look, he hasn't had any lines yet, so I'm not changing his name yet, either) and tells him he knows he's been throwing a lot at him, but it's because he knows Andy can handle it. O'Donnell shoves the remainder of the still-sizeable stack of briefs his way: "I need you to draft my opening for Sullivan v. San Fran Mutual -- I need some of your poetry." Just because he's gay doesn't -- oh, wait, that was actually nice. O'Donnell asks for his shoes as Anna sits silently in her chair, forgotten, forlorn, brief-less. O'Donnell asks for announcements and then says they're adjourned. Andy Moffat stutters a bit as he asks everyone to wait. He won this community-service award for doing a pro bono case for G.A.L.L.A. (the Gay and Lesbian Legal Association) where he represented an AIDS hospice in a zoning dispute, and the award is being presented that weekend at a banquet. Applaud, applaud, nice words, nice words. But Andy Moffat wants the firm to buy a banquet table for eight at a hundred dollars a head. O'Donnell contemplates aloud why he would possibly want to go to an event where all the women are immune to his charms. "Well, there are women who would let you watch," Andy Moffat zings. O'Donnell's sold: "Well, in that case, Hoberman, Spain, McPherson and O'Donnell would be proud to come out in favor of diversity and buy an entire table at your little party." Then it gets weird and O'Donnell whispers, "I love you all very much." But if you think of it in that Sweetie-Darling-Love-You-Kisses-Smooch-Smooch Hollywood way, i.e. complete lack of sincerity, I guess it makes more sense.
Outside the conference hall, O'Donnell is on a headset phone, shouting that he wants the most spectacular arrangement they can muster: "I find one carnation? I'm gonna put your head on a stake in my front yard, okay?" What's wrong with carnations?! They smell like cinnamon. Anna asks him why he's not giving her cases. He tells her she's not billing enough hours. "That's…abrupt. Bentley keeps throwing me pro bono cases --" "I know and you keep taking the bait! Points scored for seeking out work, though," O'Donnell tells her, then gives her a file, "Pilnick v. McDougall. Our client's a senior citizen who's been living in the same rent-controlled house for over thirty years. She's about to lose it to a real-estate developer. Sounds like a silent movie, I know." O'Donnell tells Anna the petition's been filed and a hearing scheduled: "It's all yours." Anna gets excited, saying that representing a client against the rent board is "practically a trial." O'Donnell bursts her saliva bubble by telling her to settle by the end of the week. Anna squawks that the case needs a public forum, but O'Donnell slaps her down with, "Our client is living on Social Security, she can only afford to pay by the hour, that means she gets exactly nineteen of your hours. So settle it -- it's a favor to Hoberman." Anna asks him if he's testing her. "Yes," he tells her, "now go save the world." Then he starts screaming into his headset that he's been holding "for like ten hours!" but the clever direction makes him look like he's yelling this at Anna, on account of the fact that he's staring right at her during his tantrum. See how they did that? Yeah, me neither. O'Donnell grabs control of himself when he realizes they want to know what they should put on the card. "Oh, write this, write this [British falsetto]: 'Please sir, may I have some more?' Yeah, and sign it 'Snuggle Butt'!" That's an awfully endearing nickname for a one-nighter with him.
As PlasticMan attempts to show Andy Moffat and Anna some "gory motorcycle" pictures, Andy attempts to cajole the two of them into attending the G.A.L.L.A. dinner. "It's a great organization, an excellent resource for gay and lesbian lawyers and they throw the best parties!" Not original, no, not at all, sorry. Anna says that it smacks of being a date too much for her hands-off self. "What date? We're all friends here, and we're going to go and support one of our own…sort of," PlasticMan tells her. Anna seeks the law library to sneeze over dusty tomes and complain, "O'Donnell threw [her] a turkey." PlasticMan feels the opposite about his case, since he gets to watch a re-creation of the accident "in ultra slo-mo!" "Goody for you!" Anna snips. "Goody, goody for me!" PlasticMan corrects her. Riley and Shaggy are Andy Moffat's banquet targets. "So about the gay-la," he says. "You have to stop saying gay-la!" Shaggy tells him, though I don't know why -- it's an accepted, albeit annoying, pronunciation of the word, much like penalize versus peenalize. "Isn't it pronounced gah-la?" Riley asks. Andy Moffat tells them they like the "gay" in "gay-la" because it's a play on words. "Yeah, and it's a subtle one, at that," Shaggy says, wondering deep down what "subtle" really means, and why the heck people don't say sub-tle. Anna says she'll go if Andy will shut up about it. PlasticMan agrees. Shaggy starts to say that he'd rather pick nits out of his hair, but Riley shoves him out of the way and says, "Of course we'll be there!" and then tells Anna that Bentley told them they might get to meet the Hollywood hunk "in the flesh." Although how much more "in the flesh" they can get compared to those flagrant photos, I don't really see. "I never liked you!" Anna whines. Andy tallies up that it will be the five of them, "only three to go!"
PlasticMan asks if Andy Moffat isn't going to invite his parents. Andy laughs, "In a utopian society, perhaps, but if I invite them to the Gay and Lesbian Legal Association dinner, I might as well come bursting out of the closet wearing my mother's undergarments and lip-syncing Donna Summer tunes!" I do think the writers could have been more creative with that line -- those metaphors are too played already. Riley says they should be there, and asks what the big deal is if they already know he's gay. Andy Moffat tells her they don't talk about it, and that's the big deal: "If the conversation veers in a slightly pink direction, my mother deflects by asking if I'm going out with any nice girls. And I always cave and play along; it's pathetic." "So don't do it," Complacently Heterosexual PlasticMan instructs. Andy Moffat muses that he is having dinner at the 'rents place that night. Riley tells him he has her support. "Really? Then come with me, once they realize that you're not my girlfriend, they'll be thrilled to find out I'm gay," Andy Moffat tells her jokingly. Riley pinches him playfully. I don't get it. Is Andy Moffat trying to say that his parents are racist too? I wouldn't think that's something to tease someone of color about. Feeling that the attention has been turned from her for too long, Anna plows through them, whinging that she asked for a case, O'Donnell gave her a loser, and her client's "toast" so she's going to "get [it] over with." PlasticMan gets more shock value out of his crash photos by showing them to Shaggy.
"What do you got, Alzheimer's?" a voice screams. The screamer checks out a blonde walking past the glass office wall before he turns back to Anna and her octogenarian client. "Look, two thousand in relocation fees is more generous than I have to be by law! And now you're hiring lawyers?" Anna's anti-client screams. Anna closes the office door as The Screaming Client's lawyer tries to get a word in, to no avail, as The Screamer keeps on: "Though, maybe 'lawyer' is too generous -- how old are you anyway?" Anna tells him that "[she's] going to ignore that." The Screamer says that she can't ignore the fact that he bought the house from the landlord, and the law says "[he] can kick her shriveled ass to the curb." Oh, he's so going down. Anna's client, a small, wizened woman, pleads, "I've been living there for thirty-six years, Mr. McDougal. My husband --" "Last I heard, your husband's dead!" The Screamer tells her. Screamer's lawyer again attempts to say something, again to no avail. Anna gives her client a glass of water. The Screamer asks Anna's client if she wants to "take [him] on," and if the rent board rules in her favor he'll just "make capital improvements on the place. New roof, new plumbing, new paint." Anna's client says they could "certainly use some new paint," in a weak but defiant tone. "And I'll make you pay for every damn penny of it!" The Screamer screams. Anna says she "doesn't think [he] even can do that" because of some debate over some proposition. The Screamer interrupts her, saying that until they resolve said debate, he can do whatever his pretty heart desires. The Screamer tells all assembled that his sister and brother-in-law are moving in on the first of the month. "Your brother-in-law the contractor?" Anna asks shrewdly. The Screamer's lawyer gives Anna a sideways look. The Screamer laughs and says yes, his BIL's a contractor, and "the Ellis Act says --" Anna interrupts him and says the Ellis Act says that one can evict a tenant only if they or an immediate family member is going to be living there. "Of course, in your case, that family member happens to be the same contractor who restored the last Victorian you bought and then quadrupled your investment when you sold. You're circumventing the law!" Screamer's lawyer starts to say, "Which technically --" "It's legal!" The Screamer shouts. "It's unethical," Anna says. Like that's going to go far with this guy. Oooh, ethics, scary. The Screamer says she's just wasting his time, and unless she can throw anything better at him, he's outta there. Then he gives Anna the creepy once-over: "Of course, I'd be willing to discuss this further over dinner." Weakly, Screamer's lawyer tries to intervene and is ignored. "'Cause, you might suck as a lawyer but I bet you're a good --" "Could we please just --" is all Anna gets out before Screaner says, "We're done!" and walks out, not even caring if his ineffectual lawyer is following. Anna slams the door after him, whirls around, and screams, "Oh, I'm so going to get that bastard!" and then realizes her words fell on senior-citizen ears. She starts to apologize, and her client says, "Why? He's a son of a bitch!" And we laugh, because an eighty-year-old cursing is funny.
Home Sweet Repressed Home. Andy Moffat is at his parents' house for dinner. Patty Duke tells her son (hah! it's her real son, isn't that funny? Well, isn't it? Isn't it??) that he didn't need to bring them flowers. "It's enough to have you home," she says as Andy looks at an old family picture. "We're not very fancy, are we Roy?" Patty Duke asks her husband as she places a plate of food (probably roast beef and mashed potatoes) in front of him. "Nothing fancy about us, Evelyn," Roy says with his nose buried in the paper at the dinner table. Since their clothes, kitchen, and food don't look like they've been updated since 1966, we can assume their prejudices haven't been either. Andy's mother tells him to hang up his coat, and says he looks pale. "Is anything wrong?" she asks. Andy walks to the anvil -- I mean, closet -- and tells her he's got a lot of extra work at the office. As he hangs up his coat, he knocks the bare hanging light bulb, which sets off a surreal flashback. As his mother's questioning about his dating life becomes a distant echo, Andy Moffat looks down and sees a little blond boy hiding behind the coats and wearing earrings and a fur stole with lipstick smeared across his mouth. The little boy looks up at his mother in fear. The little boy tries to smile, hoping his mother will smile back to show that everything is all right and she still loves him. The mother's face contorts in fear, disgust, and anger as she shuts the door on her little boy, leaving him in darkness.
Andy (okay, Warren) snaps out of it as his mother says, "Warren? Hello?" Warren turns around. "I asked if you're dating," Patty Duke tells him. Warrens stumbles over his words and tries to get something out as they sit down to eat. He picks up his utensils and says, "Mom there's something I want --" Patty Duke interrupts him and asks, "Don't you say grace anymore?" Oh, she's sneaky, pulling the old praying trick. Warren quickly says grace. "Amen," Patty Duke says. Roy doesn't say anything, just picks up his napkin. "Amen, Roy," Patty Duke says. Roy doesn't look up. "Ahh, man," he says. Okay, is that a joke? Is he teasing his son? Maybe he's cool. Patty Duke, she's not, but Roy, he is. Strangely, Warren seizes on that opportunity: "Speaking of which, um --" Again with the Patty Duke interruption. She tells him they need a favor. "I know that you're incredibly busy, but we thought now that you're a lawyer, you might help us write our wills," she says. "You don't already have wills?" Warren asks incredulously. Roy tells him to talk to the hand, because he's been trying to get Patty Duke to do it but she keeps putting it off. "Well, who wants to think about it?" Patty Duke asks, chewing through a particularly tough piece of contrivance. Patty Duke goes on to tell about a neighbor lady who died in testate and how much of a mess it made for her kids. "I want to be sure that you and your brother are taken care of," Patty Duke beams. Warren nods and says, "In addition to the wills, I think you should think about transferring your assets to a living trust -- that way you can avoid any probate issues." Patty Duke laughs and clasps her hands. "Isn't it adorable when he talks like a lawyer? Roy, did you hear that?" she asks her husband. "Yeah, I heard. Pass the butter," Roy says through a mouthful of mashed potatoes. Oh, mashed potatoes. Meatloaf. Comfort food. MOM!! Warren tells his parents he can rearrange a few things and they can start tomorrow. Patty Duke tells him how proud they are of him. Warren gets teary. Roy looks over his Buddy Holly glasses in alarm at Warren. Warren starts to say something, but the words just come out wrong. So he had to say he loved them in a song. And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon little boy blue and the man in the moon -- dear me, too many Time-Life "Singer-Songwriter" commercials for me. Patty Duke interrupts her son for like the umpteenth time and asks him the name of the girl he's dating. Warren pauses and looks at his dad, who cuts his meat and gives him a look. I think Roy's cool with it; it's just his wife who's a total freakshow. Warren loses his nerve and gives up. "Riley," he says. Patty Duke nods knowingly. "Riley," she repeats for Roy's benefit on the off-chance he suddenly went deaf. Roy looks at Warren, smiles perfunctorily, and takes a sip of ginger ale. Vernor's, probably. Best kind there is. Don't you love it when the first sip always makes you cough because you inhale all that fizz as soon as you raise the glass to your lips? Good times. Good times. Just wondering about something -- wouldn't they think the name Riley is kind of masculine?
Taco Bell. Mmmm. What's the deal, have I eaten yet? Oh, right, Stouffer's mac and cheese with brown crackly bits. Stouffer's, mmmm. ["Stouffer's does make a mean mac and cheese. Mmm. Cheddar. And no, we don't work for them now." -- Sars]
Warren tidies up his office in prep for his parents' arrival. "Whitney Houston CDs, A & F Quarterly, Hero magazine -- okay, what else?" he asks Shaggy, who's paging through something glossy. "As long as we're degaying [I would just like to insert a non-heh to that], the Queer as Folk recaps on Mighty Big TV are probably a tip-off," Shaggy says. But what comes out of his other mouth is actually referring to a QaF desk calendar. Hey, you have your reality, and on Monday nights, I have mine, okay? Warren shoves this little piece of eye candy away just as his parents round the corner. "Warren? You never told us it was so nice!" Patty Duke says. Warren starts panting suddenly as he hugs his mother, and asks where his dad is. What is with all the panting in this episode? Patty Duke tells him Roy is in the "little boys' room." Then she acts like any other mother and busts out the TMI: "You know, his irritable bowel." Shaggy introduces himself. "Oh, Warren's football buddy!" Patty Duke exclaims. Shaggy looks at Warren: "Football buddy?" Warren thinks fast, cursing his mother for remembering some useless piece of info like that rather than something more important like, I don't know, the fact that he's GAY? Warren cajoles Shaggy, "Yeah, uh, you know, the time we went to that game." Before we get into remarks about butt-slapping and who played quarterback to whose tight end, Warren asks Shaggy if he's got a deposition to be late for. Shaggy takes off. "It's very nice to meet you, you must be very proud," he tells Patty Duke. "Oh, yes!" Patty Duke says from her powder blue twinset. Then Shaggy makes a face that is actually pretty funny, and it made me snort out loud. To an empty room. Plus cat. I must be in high spirits because, as of today, this show is picking out a nice satin-lined casket. Something quiet, oak, nothing too flashy like mahogany with gold handles. Classy. Tasteful. Dead. Patty Duke says tells Warren that before Roy is finished arguing with his bowel, she wants to tell him about a "little savings account" that he knows nothing about. Warren asks her what it's for. "For the grandchildren!" she says brightly. Warren reminds her she doesn't have any. "Well, between your brother and you --" Patty Duke says. Warren again tries to tell her he's gay, and guess what? He DOESN'T! Instead he says he's thinking of having a vasectomy. No, really, he does say that. Patty Duke even says, "Oh, stop it, silly!" You don't believe me? What have I done to lose your trust? (Sigh.) Well, if you want the tape to prove it, I'm auctioning it on eBay for five big ones. Hefeweizen, that is. Five big hefeweizen. Okay, on task. On task, only one more night to go and I'm off to tropical Princeton for the weekend. "One other thing," Patty Duke says, walking around the office. "If your father remarries, I want to make sure that whoever she's desperate enough to be, I don't want her getting her grubby little hands on it." Interesting that she passed by that well-hung photo of Warren's and didn't say a word. Hmph! Guess she wouldn't get the whole "art reflects life" thing. Roy walks in, marveling over the "real marble" in the little boys' room. "Let's get started," Warren says.
We get a glimpse of a quirky and familiar face. Of course, the P.I. from last week -- didn't I say he'd be a recurring character? "Mr. Wad?" Anna says, sticking out her hand. "Dick!" P.I. Wad insists. Okay, we get it: Dick Wad. And now for some more sixth-grade humor. Anna asks him what he's got. "Works out at Body Boutique, digs Thai food, Frappuccino, white tulips and Dave Matthews -- how'm I doing?" Anna tells him that's all about her. But isn't everything, honey? Dick Wad laughs and says he's just showing off. And I notice that he's got a forehead and chin that would put Dawson to shame. But you know, it works on him, 'cause he's got the whole quirky, self-deprecating, retro thing going, and Dawson's greased up with the whole Ego, Id, Old Navy and Super Ego thing. Turns out Mr. McDougal is a loser through and through. (Like we needed a dickwad to tell us that.) He's got a wife. But he also visits a certain "massage parlor" in Chinatown. "Take a look at the 23rd," Mr. "Call Me Dick" Wad says. "Three times in one day? Ew!" Anna shudders. Apparently his wife wouldn't care, but his father-in-law would. Anna asks how they can know that it's not "just a massage parlor," and P.I. Dick Wad tells her he confirmed his suspicions. I'm not going to ask how, no I am not! Anna ponders.
Roy and Patty Duke argue about who gets to pull the plug on them should they go into comas. Patty Duke doesn't want to give Roy the power to make medical decisions for her, because apparently he doesn't have the patience to wait for the television to get fixed, he just runs out and buys a new one. Warren attempts to intervene and Patty Duke argues that, as a lawyer, Warren is qualified to make those decisions. So Roy says that Warren "can pull the plug for [him], too." Warren spews legal jargon, and Patty Duke is charmed again by his "lawyer talk" and wants to call his Aunt Laura. Warren gets her to sit down and asks if there's anything they've forgotten. "Pickles," Patty Duke says. And lest you think she's pregnant, Roy expounds for us by saying, "You're giving something to that damn cat?" Isn't that a Disney movie with a You're-All-Grows-Up (tm Vince Vaughn) Hayley Mills? Patty Duke says that she wants to make sure he's provided for, since her husband can't even remember to feed him. "And Dempsey's stationed in Malaysia, and you know what they do to cats there, so that leaves Warren." Warren reminds her that Pickles is ten years old: "You'll outlive him." "God forbid I get hit by a bus," Patty Duke says. "Oh, God forbid!" Roy says sarcastically. Joe sticks his neck in, asking for the O'Sullivan opening. Warren promises to get it to him by the end of the day. Warren turns back to his parents' will, saying he'll add a provision stating that he gets custody of Pickles. Warren starts talking about long-term estate planning, but Patty Duke waves that off, saying they just wanted to get the wills out of the way. They get up to go amidst Warren's protests. "You're acting against the advice of counsel," Warren says unnecessarily. "Adorable," Patty Duke says, just as unnecessarily. Warren relents and hugs his mother, who acts a little more emotional than is called for. Warren asks if everything is all right. "Of course, honey, I'm just glad to get all that over with!" she says, and leaves. On the way out, Roy grabs Warren's shoulder and tells him he'll call him later: "I need some advice about some money I put away your mother doesn't know about." I like Roy.
Back in Haight-Ashbury, Riley swoons that "he's so much more good-looking in person." Scabby counters that she "caught him for a nanosecond getting into a car." Riley juices over how the sunlight caught his hair. PlasticMan tells him that he's pretty liberal, but if they're intending to watch porn, he's going upstairs. Yeah, to do what? Play with nylons, perhaps? Anna looks at the screen and says, "Wait, is that --" and then the pizza deliveryman comes. And he doesn't ask to see how large the bedrooms are! Shaggy confirms it's "video footage Ms. Burgess got of You-Know-Who doing You-Know-What with a certain friend." PlasticMan comments on how much money that would "fetch" on eBay. Not as much as this tape's going for! Riley says they could retire on it, "which is what I bet Ms. Burgess was planning on doing until she got busted." Anna asks how anyone could really do that for a living. Tiresome talk about making judgments and Anna insulting PlasticMan because she's jealous of his case and PlasticMan waxing tiresome over motorcycles because he didn't realize she insulted him by calling her a "bench warmer." Anna complains that the only thing she has to use against McDougal is his visits to Chinatown -- and they ain't for the food, baby! Anna wonders if it is at all possible for her to use it. Shaggy and Riley tell her she can't because it has nothing to do with the case. Anna positions a rubric for Ethics 101 by asking, "Is it so wrong to do a bad thing to a bad person to get a good thing for a good person?" PlasticMan tells her it's blackmail, and Anna freaks out on him. PlasticMan asks why she's yelling at him when everyone else said the same thing. "'Cause I'm not sleeping with them!" she yells. Scabby tells her they can change that and gets smacked by PlasticMan -- which probably didn't even hurt; I mean, the man's made of plastic -- and his girlfriend, which probably did because he's a wimp. Anna kvetches that her client has about five to ten years to live and the slimeball's just trying to make a quick buck, and she's going to lose, "and [she's] crabby and retaining eighty pounds of water weight and [they] are not helping [her]!" And she goes home. The door slams on her butt that hangs down to her ankles; unfazed, the three turn back to their grub. PlasticMan even comments on the quality of the 'za.
Patty Duke presses some leftovers on her son: "If it stays here, your father will eat it and with his cholesterol --" Warren thanks her and tells her to look over the drafts and tell him what she thinks. "And can you say goodnight to Dad for me?" Warren says. "Yes, as soon as he gets out of the bathroom," she tells him. They laugh at Roy's irritable bowel. Patty Duke thanks her son warmly for all his "lawyer talk" help. "Mommy loves you," she tells him, stroking his face. Warren girds his loins one more time and tells her, "Mom, we gotta stop this." Patty Duke plays dumb. Warren perseveres and tells her they can't go through the motions of saying they love each other and pretending that everything's okay. "But I do love you," Patty Duke says. Warren gets teary and asks, "Why is it so difficult for us to be truthful with each other?" Patty Duke finally nods and says she knows what this is all about. "You do?" Warren asks, "Oh, good." "I shouldn't have lied to you," Patty Duke says, completely throwing her son off-balance, "When you asked if everything's okay." Warren says, "Mom, what?" Patty Duke says she went to the doctor, and shrugs that "he found something, looks like I'm dying." Warren's lip trembles dangerously, and it looks like a good time to go to commercial. Is it? Oh, good. I have to check out the real marble in our bathroom.
Warren sits down with a glass of water and asks his mother if she was going to tell him. She tells him of course, but it's not as if she's going to die the day. "This lymphoma," Warren says, "how long?" Patty Duke tells him it could be anywhere from one to ten years. "We don't know," she says as we hear a bathroom door (well, what other room would it be, since we are so intimately acquainted with Roy's bowels?) close. Roy comes into the living room. "Oh, you still here?" he asks vaguely. Warren starts to tell him what they were talking about, but Patty Duke interrupts him and says, "Pickles, he ran away last week. How upset we were." Warren looks at her incredulously. Roy snorts, "When he came back?" "Roy," Datty Puke says warningly. Roy holds up an "I gotcha" finger and chuckles, saying, "Sorry. Good night, Warren, drive safe." Notice how it's always dads who say "drive safe" and mothers who always say "be careful" or "call when you get home"? Warren waits until Roy is out of earshot and says, "You haven't told Dad?" Patty Duke says she hasn't found the right time. Yeah, what with her being so busy avoiding reality and all. Warren says they're supposed to be a family and she's walking around with an awful secret. "I didn't want to burden you, honey," Patty Duke says. Which is always the HUGE mistake parents make. Don't they realize how much more of a "burden" it is when the kids find out way too late? It's awful -- it makes it much, much worse than it needs to be. God forbid we children try that on them, we'd be slapped into the middle of week! Patty Duke goes on and on about how Warren's young, successful, in the city, and since things are "good" right now, she didn't want to ruin that by being selfish. Get the hint she's pulverizing your head with, Warren?
Just need to add this: Hail to the Victors Valiant, Hail to the Conquering Heroes, Hail, Hail, to Michigan, the Champions of the West! Now, kick some Boston College Hockey ASS!
Someone slams a Nestlé Crunch bar on a checkout counter, except that it's called "Crumble" but still has all the same colors. Why, when they can product-place Diet Coke and Dos Equis, can they not do the same with a Crunch bar? "Hey, Tony," Anna sighs as she places about fifty boxes of generic tampons on top of her Crumble bar. Oh, we get it, she's on the rag and craving chocolate. Why do the writers think we want to know that? Can't she just be crabby because she's stressed about her case? Noooo, they have to make her raging with PMS, because some male writer's got ovary envy. O'Donnell, her fearless leader, surges up to the counter and knocks her stuff away, telling her she looks like a real lawyer. "Do you mind if I cut in? Of course not. Tony, you got these in extra-strength, pal?" he asks the cashier, about some condoms. Anna takes this opportunity to pick his brain about using the massage-parlor information against McDougal. "Mrs. Pilnick called me last night in tears. McDougal sent her a letter telling her he intends to sue her for legal expenses. They're playing hardball here and I don't even have a bat! Or something like that," Anna says. Cashier guy comes over and says, "Industrial strength, thirty-six-pack okay?" Of course, O'Donnell has to say he'll take two of them and adds, "Tony, I am dating a supermodel and I'm pretty sure she's been around." He turns to Anna and says, "So basically you got squat." Anna says she's not sure and tells him about McDougal's massage parlor visitations. "Oh, the one on Waverly?" O'Donnell asks, and seeing Anna's face, he says, "Kidding, I'm kidding," and then proceeds to tell her that the code of professional responsibility and the model rules state that even if she found out the opposing counsel was "killing puppies," she can't use it to "gain leverage." Yeah, opposing counsel, what about the client? O'Donnell says the client could be considered "fair game." Well, then! Anna says she could win because McDougal does not want his massages to get out. "I got them!" Tony shouts out, waving some boxes of prophylactics. "How's that other thing?" "Oh!" O'Donnell yells back, "all cleared up, no more outbreaks." Yuck. And he's worried about where the supermodel's been? O'Donnell tells Anna she's "stumbled into a very grey area of the law and while [he] would never stoop so low, it is open to interpretation." Anna's still confused about the legality of using her information. As are the three -- wait, you leaving too? Okay, the two of us still watching. O'Donnell tells her, "Legally? Probably. Ethically? Maybe. It depends on what kind of lawyer you want to be." Anna ponders.
Riley and Shaggy discuss their case and get hot for each other. Cutting all the crap out, it boils down to Riley saying, "It's lunchtime, we could have a nooner at a fleabag," and Shaggy saying, "This case is like drugs!" before they dash out the door. Bummer that Anna catches them and starts blathering about her ethical, moral, philosophical, menstrual problem. Riley and Shaggy keep trying to edge out, but Anna babbles about all the lying, stealing, and cheating she did when she was a teen which landed her in juvenile court, and how she promised herself never to do that kind of stuff again. Finally, she sees through her issues enough to figure out that Riley and Shaggy could not give two bits. "As usual, I really appreciate your support guys, thanks!" Anna snots, giving them the thumbs-up and storming out. Riley and Shaggy, still up for it, try to leave again, but Warren brushes past them. Shaggy observes that Warren's wearing the same clothes as he wore yesterday. "You slut, that's where you were last night!" Shaggy says. But when Warren doesn't say anything and refuses to look at them, Shaggy decides to buy a vowel for sensitivity. "Was it that bad?" he asks. Warren must then tell them his mother has cancer, because suddenly they're all back at their house and Riley is making tea. Warren pours his heart out, telling them that he stopped going to Gay Pride parades because there was a group of family and friends who marched in support and he knew his parents would never do that for him. Riley is sad for him, but tells him his parents don't have to march in order for them to accept him. Warren tells her that he got his mother to admit that the doctors told her her prognosis is "pretty good." "So I can't decide which is more upsetting, the fact that my mom has cancer or the fact that she used it to trump me to keep me from saying the words out loud," Warren says. Riley is even more sad for him. "Now, I'm afraid I'm going to live the rest of my life and I'm never going to know whether she would've come to accept me for who I really am." Shaggy is sad for him. "Will somebody say something funny?" Warren says after awhile. Riley just smiles sadly at him. It's a sad scene.
PlasticMan and Senior Kiss-Asso are discussing their motorcycle case, and PlasticMan is using a Fisher-Price bus and a model motorcycle to explain his case breakthrough. I don't get it. All I get is that PlasticMan is excited about something that is good for the case. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that Anna is standing outside the office looking through the glass and pouting. PlasticMan gets distracted and runs out to talk to her. "Anna, give me ten minutes, and I'll buy you dinner," he says. Anna tells him she's got a meeting with Mrs. Pilnick. PlasticMan says he's sorry she's gotta break the bad news to the old dear. "Bad news?" Anna says. "Yeah, you're not going to do that thing you said?" PlasticMan assumes. Anna says of course she can't do that, but she researched similar cases and thinks she found a settlement her client can deal with. PlasticMan starts to stroke her arm and tell her how great that is when the elevator arrives. "Well, justice awaits," Anna says, backing into the elevator and away from PlasticMan. Joe, who has been listening to their conversation, also innocently gets into the elevator with Anna. PlasticMan bids them adieu. Anna fidgets, "Okay, so I totally lied, you got something to say?" she squacks. Joe calmly steps out of the elevator. "Yeah, I'll grab the one," he says.
Anna breaks the news to Mrs. Pilnick, who assures her she'll be fine and that Anna did a wonderful job. Anna tells her she doesn't have to come to the final settlement meeting the day. Mrs. Pilnick says she couldn't stand any more berating. Not convinced that her client is really going to be all right, Anna leaves, but she happens to be nosy, so she happens to look in the window and sees Mrs. Pilnick sobbing in her kitchen. Anna squares her shoulders and hardens her face. Dude is going down.
O'Donnell holds another meeting where Joe dresses him in front of everyone. O'Donnell gives his opinion of Warren's closing: "On the right track, but your characterization of our client gets a Tennessee Williams. Not up to your usual standards." Warren says he'll try to tone it down. O'Donnell tells Riley and Shaggy that their "Hollywood exhibitionist" has accepted their settlement. "Dot the 'i's, cross the 't's, good work," O'Donnell says. Shaggy and Riley slap hands, but I'm fairly certain they'll be celebrating with some exhibitions to one another sometime soon. O'Donnell asks for progress on the motorcycle case. Senior Asso tells all and sundry in complicated Latin that PlasticMan is a veritable genius. "Plain English," O'Donnell tells everyone, "Miles just proved they're big, fat liars and our take was nearly one quarter of a million dollars and change. Messieurs Hoberman, Spain and McPherson will hear of this. Excellent work." All congratulate PlasticMan. And then the moment of truth: "Where are we on Pilnick v. McDougal, Anna?" Anna tells him she has one more settlement meeting and then it's all over. O'Donnell gives her a piercing look. "On the upside, the firm makes the same whether we win or lose," Anna says. O'Donnell continues to give her a piercing look until she looks away all shifty-like. He adjourns the meeting. PlasticMan and Shaggy bask in their glory. In O'Donnell's office, Joe delivers a message to the boss man: "She just called, she wants her Enigma CDs back. She says if you so much as ever think about her again, she's going to get a restraining order against you. Then she called you an under-endowed piss-ant." O'Donnell shakes his head. "I'm sorry, sir," Joe says, "I probably could have omitted that last quote, huh?" O'Donnell chuckles, "Naw. You don't think anyone knows she dumped me, do you?" he asks. "No," Joe says, "I think the tuxedo probably fooled everybody, sir." O'Donnell thanks Joe: "Your empathy is almost convincing -- you're an extremely gifted young man, and I thank you." Joe leaves. O'Donnell looks sad.
So I made Mr. Keckler a promise that I'd admit something. After sampling a meatball, a hot pastrami, a Philly cheese steak, with the works, and an Italian, I will announce that Hoagie Haven has the best damn hoagies anywhere. ["That's goddamn right." -- Sars] However, come October, Dominick's of Ann Arbor will be considered a worthy contender.
Anna tries a few more last-ditch efforts to ethically win her case, but they fail. She looks out the office window and sees PlasticMan getting congratulated by everyone. Anna begs McDougal to be human and delivers an impassioned plea for him to invest in an old woman's quality of life. There's a long pause; McDougal smiles, and we are supposed to believe his hard heart has been melted by Anna's pure-hearted pleadings. But suddenly, we are thrown a curve as McDougal says, "Tell the old bitch to be out by the thirtieth," and gets up to leave. Wow, they, like, almost had me there. Just as McDougal walks out of her office, she says, "Oooh, oooow." McDougal turns around to face Anna's back. She rubs her neck and says, "This is has been a very stressful case, don't you think?" in bamp-chicka-bamp-bamp tones, "I could use a good --" turning around and narrowing her eyes at McDougal, "massage." McDougal looks scared. "Massage?" he squeaks. McDougal's lawyer looks confused. "Mm-hm. You wouldn't happen to know of any decent places, would you, Mr. McDougal? Say in Chinatown?" McDougal ignores his lawyer, who tries to get an explanation out of him. "You wouldn't," McDougal hazards. Anna raises a challenging eyebrow: "Wanna find out?" McDougal asks her what she's trying to pull. "Well, like I said, we both know what's going on here," Anna says. McDougal grinds his teeth.
Anna walks Mrs. Pilnick to the elevator. "How on earth did you change that man's mind?" Mrs. Pilnick asks. Anna tells her she just had to find a side of him to appeal to. "Well," Mrs. Pilnick says, "I have a house, you have cookies, and the world turns. Oh, I can't thank you enough," and she leans forward and kisses Anna on the cheek. "You can't spit in this country without a good lawyer and I was blessed." Anna holds her plate of cookies, which are cleverly disguised as brownies, and smiles at the closed elevator. O'Donnell creeps up behind her. "Congratulations, counselor, you won your case. Feeling good?" he twits and walks away.
Warren has his mother sign her will. "Seems so final," she says, and goes to get Warren's father. "I'm getting an award," Warren announces. "An award, that's nice," Patty Duke says. Warren explains who the award comes from, and tells her he hopes she and his father will come to the awards ceremony. Patty Duke looks at the invitation and asks why he's just telling her about it now. "Because it's from the Gay and Lesbian Legal Association," Warren says. "Oh, you did some work for those people?" Patty Duke says. "Mom, like I said," Warren says, not really saying anything. Patty Duke rambles on and on about how it was such a Christian thing for him to do something like that for "those people." Warren keeps saying, "Mom, I am those people," as Patty Duke rattles on about making tea, attempting to talk over him. Warren raises his voice: "Mom, listen to me!" Patty Duke asks him why he's doing this now. Warren says, "Because now it matters most." "I have maybe a year and a half left, Warren, I didn't need to know this," Patty Duke says. Warren says that his mom has always known this, "and since you threw me out of the house we've been playing this game." Patty Duke says that she didn't throw him out, "you chose to leave." "You were forcing me into therapy to make me straight," Warren tells her. "Mom, I'm not. I can't be and we have to stop pretending that I can. I feel like there's this part of my life that I have to hide from you and that means we can never be truly open." Patty Duke tells him they are open, and that he should keep his voice down because she doesn't want his father to know. "I already know!" Roy says, walking into the kitchen. "He's gay," Roy says, pointing a thumb at Warren, "and you think you're dying, and I just want to read my paper. Is that asking too much?" Roy walks out of the room. Warren calls after him, but Roy just waves an exasperated hand. "You see how you're breaking his heart?" Patty Duke says. "How?" Warren asks. "By wanting the two most important people in my life to know who I really am? I have the right to live the life I choose!" Patty Duke says they have the right to live their lives the way they choose, "and if that means going to my grave hanging onto the hope that before I get there I will see my son married to a woman -- why does your right supercede mine?" Warren just stares at her. "How dare you, Warren," she says. "You wanted honesty? Here it is: you're my firstborn child. You'll always be my baby and I love you, Warren" -- Patty Duke's face hardens -- "but I hate the fact that you're different. And it's too late to ask me to change that." "Then I won't," Warren says. "All I ask is that you be there for me at eight o'clock. Please come." Warren leaves. Patty Duke looks at the invitation.
PlasticMan is packing up files as Shaggy runs down with a wamperjawed tie. "Are we positive that we have to dress up for this thing?" Shaggy asks. "It's gay people, Egg, be glad there's not a theme," PlasticMan tells him. Shaggy asks Riley if his shirt goes with his tie. "If they both got lavender in them," Riley says fastening a bracelet. "Lavender?" Shaggy asks. "I thought this shirt was light blue." "Looks lavender to me," PlasticMan says. Shaggy says he's going to change. Anna walks in wearing an extremely loud orange sequined dress. "What color is this?" Shaggy asks Anna. "Gay," Anna says. Oh, aren't they the witty ones? Anna says she thinks she might not go to the banquet because she doesn't know if she can handle being around that many lawyers, "not after today." Anna goes on to tell PlasticMan that she lied to him, and she actually did use the dirt she found on McDougal to blackmail him. "And the worst part of it is, I don't know if I did it because I wanted to destroy the guy or because I wanted to win or because I'm jealous." PlasticMan says, "Well, maybe it's just one of those ends and means things." "Is this the lecture?" Anna asks tearfully. "No lecture," PlasticMan tells her. "You're beating yourself up already and Mrs. Pilnick gets to stay in her home, thanks to you, and if what you did was a mistake, if, then maybe it's a good thing that it happened now, so you learn something -- so time you know. You're a good lawyer, Anna, and more importantly you're a good person," and PlasticMan finishes what sounded very much like a lecture and kisses her on the forehead. PlasticMan leaves the room. "Doesn't help, does it?" Riley asks. "No," Anna says, blubbering. They hug.
At the banquet, Warren stares at the two empty seats to him while the MC goes through her opening remarks. The roommates try to offer Warren reasons why his parents aren't there -- stuck in traffic, lost, et cetera. Anna looks like she's going to vomit as the MC quotes Harper Lee and mentions Atticus Finch and talks about all the great reasons why great people are great lawyers and how great it all is for everyone. Warren looks around tearfully. "Maybe they can't find parking," Shaggy says. "Maybe it's valet," Warren says, just as he's introduced with the MC's privilege and honor, "Mr. Warren Harrison, Esquire." Warren just sits there as everyone applauds. "That's you," PlasticMan says. Warren jumps up and struggles to compose himself for his speech. At one point, he holds up a hand to block the stage lights and peers through them, thinking he sees his parents, but he doesn't. "First of all, I'd like to thank my family," he says. And it's all over. For good. Forever.
The show choked, much like my beloved UM hockey team did. I shed a tear. For Michigan, not for this freakin' claptrap. Good riddance!