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On the legal front, Andy Moffat and PlasticMan help a dying client sue the pharmaceutical company responsible for his cancer, while Anna and Riley are subjected to the whim and withering of two Delia's clones. Anyone who's surprised that they can't rise above level of the pre-teens' Hard Candy lipgloss and act their age, raise their hands. Andy Moffat suddenly morphs personalities -- changing from the self-confident, proud-to-be-gay man he was one short week ago to a stuttering, shrink-seeking housemate to people who suffer from selective amnesia as they struggle to remember who he is and how he got there. More non-sexual, non-tenion between PlasticMan and Anna but no one really cares. And once again, the guest star pulls off a far better performance than the regulars. He must've learned a lot on Party of Five. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Big kisses to Mr. "Akebono" Keckler for taking on the Herculean task of our taxes this week, and to the state of Massachusetts for not having a marriage penalty. What do you have to say about "liberals" in the state of MA now, Mr. Totalot? Also, you peeps on the forums, thanks for making me laugh -- now go post some more.
And now for the part of the night where we give up all sense of reality.
Our young esquires are getting ready for an evening out. Riley looks for her earrings, and Anna puts blush all over her nose. Andy Moffat walks through the living room and says, "Observation, Anna? The lip liner, maybe not so much," in a RuPaul Reiser voice. Anna, from the depths of a faux fur collar, whines, "Oh, good call." Yes, it is, because every gay man in the world is Kevyn Aucoin. Shaggy lives up to his gross-me-out-the-door reputation -- firmly established last episode -- by asking Riley if he can get one more wear out of his shirt. Riley smells the collar (the collar?) and tells him not if he wants to sit to her. Cleverly disguising his superhero persona in black, PlasticMan comes down the stairs, asking if anyone's seen his keys. Cue Poitier to throw in a regional phrase: "Let's take BART -- there's going to be traffic after the concert." PlasticMan says he still needs to find his keys. Anna runs down the stairs into the sunken living room, throwing up her hands and exclaiming, "God, I should not be here!" She pulls a pile of books off the couch. PlasticMan suggests she could start paying rent. Anna says she needs to do some deposition summaries. Riley says, "No, uh-uh, not an option. We've been killing ourselves and tomorrow's Sunday -- we can work all day. You promised me we'd do this, dance, have fun, be stupid [I'd say they've already achieved one out of the three]!" Buttoning up a different and hopefully less ripe shirt, Shaggy says, "And Perfect Circle's only in town for a week so it's now or never!" (Actually, they were in Ohio, Michigan, and Wisconsin that week, but whatever.) "Screw responsibility!" Anna says, putting one fist in the air. They all cheer. Throughout this witty and endearing exchange, the Poor, Unloved, Forgotten, and, of course, Gay Andy Moffat sits in the corner with a book, clearly not partaking of the happy-go-lucky soup. PlasticMan asks Anna if she's going to be cold in her sleeveless get-up. "And your point is?" she asks. PUFG Andy Moffat stands in the doorway of the living room, clearly wanting to say something. I wait in great suspense as he hesitates, looks down, and goes upstairs. Shaggy holds up a clock and informs the group they have an hour to kill. "Nap?" he suggests. Anna says, "One hour, I can do one summary." The group looks at her. "What? I'm multi-tasking!" she says. Riley kisses her smelly boyfriend and tells him to set the alarm. Can we all see where this is going? Yes? Then I don't have to recap it anymore. And then I'd be fired. (Sigh.) Okay, so they all -- yes, even Multi-Tasking Anna -- fall asleep, and when the alarm rings, Riley slams it off without waking up as a radio informs us that all the Perfect Circle shows are sold out in the Bay Area. Those poor overworked lawyers -- now they're going to miss their concert. I rush out to conduct an orchestra of "awww!"
PlasticMan arrives in his Gattaca-decor office (what's with the sudden blues-and-greys motif, anyway?), and the first thing he sees when he steps off the elevator is Anna. Well, if we're aiming for perfect accuracy, the first thing he sees is Anna's butt. His smile becomes more of an Elvis Presleyan leer as he keeps his eyes on said glutes. She turns and looks at him; he looks away. She stares at him; he looks up. She looks down; he walks away. Oh, the love, the passion, the heartache, the barely restrained vomiting. Anna walks into the office kitchenette and holds up the coffee pot. "Great, people leave an eighth-inch of black crap at the bottom so they don't have to make another pot. Bastards!" she whines. Riley asks if she's mad or frustrated. "Frustrated," Anna tells her. "Work or sex-related?" Riley asks. "I hate you," Anna whines. "Ah, sex-related," Riley-The-All-Knowing says all-knowingly. A senior associate comes over and says snottily, "Well, we could talk about our weekends and what movies we saw but I'm guessing you two haven't seen the inside of a theater since Babe came out so what do you say we skip it?" What an ass. Riley and Anna just stand there, so Senior Ass continues, "I need your help on the dot-com thing." "What dot-com thing?" Riley and Anna say in unison. Senior Ass tells them it's copyright infringement and he needs them to draft a complaint for a T.R.O. "Wait, an actual case?" Anna asks. Senior Ass hands over some paperwork and says that he'll put in a good word with Hoberman for them. "T.R.O.? Dead brain cell," Riley says after Senior Ass leaves. "Temporary --" Anna prompts. "Restraining order," Riley finishes, "God!" You just took the words right out of my mouth, babe.
PlasticMan barges into Andy Moffat's office. "Miles!" he says while playing with the legs of his chair, which is tipped upside down on his desk. "Ah, my chair squeaks. Edgar's not here yet," he tells PlasticMan. "I know, I'm looking for you," PlasticMan tells him. "Is the rent due again?" Andy Moffat asks. Clearly, he thinks there should be no other reason why PlasticMan would be looking for him. PlasticMan tells him that O'Donnell wants them both on a case. "Well, he must've meant Edgar." "No, he said 'Warren,'" PlasticMan tells him, pulling him out of the office. "Well, he thinks my name is Owen!" Andy Moffat says by way of further protest. Shaggy walks in. "Hey, anybody looking for me?" he asks. "Comb your hair!" PlasticMan tells him. 'Kay, Mom. Shaggy touches the mat on his head gingerly, afraid he might find a creepy-crawly.
Anna walks in talking petitions and asks why Riley's "tidying up" the office. Riley explains they got bumped from the conference room: "Some photo shoot for S.F. Lawyer of the Year. Sub-optimal, I know, and -- I'm sorry, pearls?" Riley asks, interrupting herself as she examines Anna's neck. Anna tells her she keeps them in her desk for client meetings. "And these guys are multimillionaires, did you read Bentley's memo?" Apparently these clients made six million off their website in the first year. Is that what websites make these days? Maybe I should ask for a raise. "Why can't we do that?" Anna asks. "Because we're not Julia Roberts," Riley tells her. But what she says out loud is, "Because we don't have a website." Obviously, mine was better. At that moment, two models dressed in clothes that look like a knock-down drag-out fight between Delia's and Steve Madden walk in. One's got a cell phone thrust in her ear and the other has her spring-curl head glued to it as well. "Ew. No, sell those and bring it back to mutual funds!" screeches Delia-Twin 1. "Lose any more and you're dead," says Delia-Twin 2. "Later!" DT1 says. Riley and Anna look at them. The Delia Twins look back, and we see that the cell phone one of them has is actually a bright blue headset-phone. Do you think when those ring, they blow your eardrums out? "The receptionist sent us back. I'm Erica and this is Cami with Grrlzrule.com," DT2 says. "Oh, right," Anna says, recovering her voice, "I'm --" "We're supposed to meet our lawyers," DT1 snots. "We are your lawyers," Anna says sweetly. "Bentley isn't handling this?" DT2 interrupts. "We're part of the team," Riley explains, and they start to introduce themselves. "Great," DT2 says, in a tone that makes me believe she doesn't think it's so great. But I'm just guessing. "Can we get a non-fat decaf cap?" Okay, what is the point? Drinking cappuccino when it's decaf? Where's the buzz? Where's the rush? The dehydration and the headaches resulting from caffeine withdrawal? I mean, what's the bloody point?
From the Keckler kitchen, where dishes are supposedly being washed: "PFFFFT!" "What's that?" I ask. "Nothing," Mr. "Akebono" Keckler says. "You opened another Caffrey's without me and then tried to hide it with the running water, didn't you?" "No, I was just saying 'PFFFFT! I love you.'" "Could you at least bring me one?" "Uh -- okay."
In O'Donnell's office, PlasticMan and Andy Moffat await their Lord and Master. "Joe, where's my coffee?" O'Donnell barks from outside the Star Chamber. "She called seventeen times. Each time her language gets more colorful. In her last voicemail she referred to you as, and I'm quoting, 'a vile, festering, pustule!'" Joe tells O'Donnell as they both walk into the office. "You could learn from her," O'Donnell tells him. "Sir, if you just call her back." "Joe, that gaseous hag only calls when she wants something," O'Donnell says. Joe tells him it's his mother, for God's sake. O'Donnell informs Joe that that's not his fault. "Now get me a cup of coffee. Cream, no spit. I know what that aftertaste is," O'Donnell tells him. Joe leaves. O'Donnell looks at his two prodigies. "Why are you in my office?" he asks. "By mistake, apparently," Andy Moffat says, getting up. O'Donnell tells him to sit down and acknowledges that there must have been a reason. "What was it?" he asks himself. Then he remembers that he needs them on the Kolatch v. Brinner case." The pharmaceutical case?" PlasticMan says, taking a sip of Exposition Tea. O'Donnell explains that Kolatch, their client, is dying of cancer, and he blames it on a chemo drug the pharmaceutical company manufactured to fight an unrelated tumor when he was fourteen. Andy Moffat starts to ask something, but PlasticMan jumps in: "What can we do?" O'Donnell tells him, "Everything," and hands over piles of files containing witness lists, pleadings, et cetera. He tells them he's going to call the CEO first, and he wants them to read everything with that guy's name on it. "You mean you want us to prepare the witness outlines?" PlasticMan asks. "And I'm going to need a draft of the opening statement," O'Donnell tells him. "Forceful, yet poignant. Don't take too much time, our client doesn't have it."
They start to leave. O'Donnell says, "Warren, a little advice? You need to talk more. Learn to love the sound of your own voice. Embrace your inner lawyer [Mr. Totalot embraced his inner lawyer long ago]," O'Donnell instructs him. Warren starts to say something, but is scared away when O'Donnell shouts for his coffee. Joe walks in and tells him his car broker's on line two: "The Boxster's in." (That's a type of Porsche -- I looked it up.) O'Donnell gets all excited and picks up the phone: "O'Donnell. I am so loving you." Then his face falls. "Oh, hi, Mom." Smokey Joe pulled a fast one on him. O'Donnell picks up an apple and tosses it in one hand. "You were the on my phone list. I always call you back," O'Donnell says before heaving the apple at Joe, who's standing in the doorway, grinning. Joe dodges the apple and then hits the deck as a bunch of bananas whizzes by his ear.
Riley, Anna, and the Delia Twins are checking out their website, which looks suspiciously like another girly-girl site I am overly familiar with. "So, it's a catalog and magazine?" Anna is asking. "Mmm-hmm, a net-zine," DT2 tells her, "we have over 200 e-tailers linked to our site." "Girls read the articles, check out the stuff and place an order," DT1 says. If I squint my eye, look over my left shoulder, and take another swig of Caffrey's, DT1 looks like a bad reincarnation of Abby from Dawson's Creek. "Genius," Anna says, checking out the site. "Yeah," DT1 says, "except that now Mindy's trying to say it was all her idea." Riley looks at her: "Was it?" DT1 gives her a dirty look that would put my little sister to shame. DT2 says, "Can you say 'partnership agreement'? We already told all of this to Bentley!" Anna says they'd appreciate their going over it again with them. "So Mindy brought the idea stuff to you guys?" she asks. DT1 says Mindy knew the computer "stuff." I'd say that "stuff" is pretty much all of it, wouldn't you? Anna gets enthralled with some items of clothing on the site and squints at Riley, who squints back. Meanwhile, DT1 is nattering away: "And I don't want to be mean or anything but she's kind of a loser -- absolutely no idea how to dress." Oh, and that ensemble of a powder-blue Linda Evangelista blazer over a fuchsia satin blouse shows that you do? Anna is clicking items and dressing up an onsite Barbie-like colorform. "What's cool, what's lame, and between us? Bad skin," DT2 says conspiratorially. DT1 picks up the thread and stitches it a bit: "We did content, she did tech but then she gets all wigged out because we were interviewed by Seventeen magazine and the guy didn't include her." DT2 says Mindy went on her own and started grrrlzrule.net, and now their hits are down by thirty percent. Riley tells them she thinks they have all they need for now, and shows them out. Anna picks up a color printout from her DeskJet and says, "You know I kinda wish you hadn't shown us your site. Now I'm going to have to do some shopping." The Delia Twins exchange looks and snigger. "No offense, Miss Weller, but we target teenagers," DT1 says. "Yeah, but we could steer you towards sites for women your own age," DT2 says. They give Anna and Riley pitying looks and walk out.
Andy Moffat and PlasticMan discuss their case. Clearly, they have very different ideas when it comes to approaching the case. PlasticMan is domineering and annoying, and Andy Moffat is stuttering and unsure. They decide to post on an Internet bulletin board for cancer patients to see who else was given mathroline in the eighties. PlasticMan looks blank, so Andy Moffat says he'll take care of it. Shaggy slouches over, crunching on chips. "We should check out that new sushi place for lunch tomorrow," he tells PlasticMan, laughing. Why is he laughing? Is there something funny about sushi that I'm missing here? PlasticMan mutters that San Francisco has enough sushi places, and then asks Andy Moffat to have a "working lunch" the day. Andy Moffat says he's meeting someone for lunch, so PlasticMan and Shaggy should go eat their raw fish. Riley walks in with Anna and groceries. They're bitching about their clients. Apparently they're nineteen, they use the word "e-tailers," and they both hate them. PlasticMan comments that Anna spends a lot of time there for someone who doesn't live there. Anna and Riley mimic PlasticMan while Shaggy asks, "Is somebody going to make some food?" All this chatter fades in the background (hey, even my closed captioning says that), and we zoom in on Andy Moffat's Poor, Unloved, Forgotten, and Gay face. Internal monologue: "I was constantly aware of them when we were in school, almost as if I couldn't get away from them," he says. Except that it's not internal monologue, he's at his shrink's. Why do they have to make the gay man the one who needs the shrink? PUFG Andy Moffat goes on and on about how they all seem natural together, but he's on the outside and can't relate. "I mean, they don't even remember we went to law school together," he says. His shrink asks if he's exaggerating and tells him he has to make an effort to connect. He says he's never included in their plans unless it's work-related, but he could live with that if he hadn't been put onto this case with PlasticMan, who intimidates him. He says he always lets PlasticMan take the lead even, if he knows he's right. The shrink asks what all this is bringing up for him. "How hard is that? High school, and he's one of the cool guys. And Anna and Riley and Edgar, they're all in his clique. The cool guys. And I'm still over at the geek table putting on Clearasil." His shrink tells him that he's not in high school anymore. "Life is high school," Andy Moffat says, providing us with our Deep Thought of the day.
PlasticMan and Shaggy walk in, discussing PlasticMan's relationship -- or to be more exact, his non-relationship -- with Anna. The gist is they don't have time for each other. "What about sex?" Shaggy asks. "We especially don't have time for sex," PlasticMan tells him. "There's always time for sex!" Shaggy says, invoking Bill Cosby's "there's always room for Jell-O." PlasticMan notes that that time for Shaggy is first thing in the morning, apparently. "Which reminds me, can you guys do it a little louder? I can't hear everything." Shaggy tells him to admit he's just scared of Anna. "Terrified," PlasticMan agrees. "You really listen to us?" Shaggy asks. "Yeah," PlasticMan tells him. "That's perverse," Shaggy says. That is so one of my pet peeves: people who think "perverse" and "perverted" are interchangeable. THEY AREN'T THE SAME THING! "Perverse" means mean or wicked, while "perverted" means corrupt or debased and is commonly associated with sexual practices or connotations. Like, "He likes to use nylons around his knees during sex; he's so perverted." You don't say, "He's so perverse." Get a dictionary for your writers, NBC -- I think you can afford it.
PlasticMan and Shaggy peer in at a guy waiting in the office. He's got a blue knit ski cap on and licks his finger to rub some schmutz off his jacket. "Wild guess, Warren's lunch date," Shaggy cracks. As they walk in, the guy (it's Scott Grimes, who played Bailey's friend Will on Party Of Five) jumps up and says he was just waiting for Andy Moffat, who went to get some files. "Like I said," Shaggy says cryptically to PlasticMan. Scott Grimes looks confused. You're not just gross and smelly, Shaggy; you're also an insensitive ass. Andy walks in and says, "Oh, good, good, good, I see you've met." PlasticMan says they haven't met yet, and introduces himself. Shaggy says, "Egg," which leaves Scott Grimes hanging as to whether he introduced himself or was just offering him breakfast. Scott Grimes says to PlasticMan, "Oh, so you're Miles. Warren says you're on our team." Hit it with the what-team-does-he-play-for gay joke. Confusion and subsequent embarrassment when Andy explains that Scott Grimes is their client, Seth Kolatch. PlasticMan is confused because he thought they were meeting at three. "I know, it's my fault. I hate waiting. It's kind of a thing with me," Seth says. PlasticMan nods, and Shaggy just stares with his mouth partly open like he's catching flies. "I know," Seth says, "I don't exactly look like someone who's dying." That's okay, because Shaggy doesn't exactly look like someone who's got the requisite intelligence to pass the bar exam. Seth takes off his ski cap to reveal his baldness. "That help?" he asks. Like that's a big surprise. I mean, who wears a ski hat inside an office in San Francisco unless there's some good reason for it? I begin to have serious doubts as to how PlasticMan and Shaggy had enough collective brain cells to get into law school. At least they have the grace to look ashamed for their earlier nasty banter.
At lunch, Seth tells PlasticMan and Andy Moffat that his goal is to set foot on every continent: "Antarctica's , but I gotta take a freighter and it takes like six weeks or something." "Warm up?" a waitress asks Seth. They flirt a little, and PlasticMan asks how Seth can keep up with his treatments if he's traveling so much. Seth tells him he quit his treatments because they weren't going to save his life, and they just made what life he had miserable. "And your doctors are certain of your prognosis?" Andy Moffat asks. "What do they know?" Seth says, "A year, eight, maybe ten months before things start to really suck. The only sure thing is I'm going to die fifty years before I should and it's Brinner's fault." PlasticMan asks how he can be so sure. Seth explains that he had Ewing's sarcoma on his thigh and they almost had to amputate his whole leg. "But they radiated the hell out of me and then gave me this mathroline crap. I went into remission, but two years later, mathroline quietly disappeared off the market." "Apparently because they developed a more effective drug?" Andy Moffat asks. "Yeah, one that doesn't cause a different kind of cancer from the one it claims to cure," Seth says. "More coffee over here?" the waitress asks. Andy Moffat tells her they don't really have time. "Hey," Seth says, "If I have time --" "One more cup," PlasticMan says. The waitress slides a piece of paper to Seth. PlasticMan grabs it, saying, "It's on the firm." The waitress takes it away from him saying, "It's not the check," and gives it to Seth. Seth looks at it and holds it up: "Her number. It's a vibe. The whole death thing, chicks dig it." Andy looks impressed, while PlasticMan thinks to himself, "Now, where can I get some cancer so Anna will sleep with me?"
All the first-years plus Seth are sitting around, getting deep over white wine, Chinese take-out, and reincarnation. I'm not going to go into it, because it's just too trite. Suffice to say that Anna, PlasticMan, Shaggy, and Riley are sitting at the feet of the Seth Buddha, learning about physics, energy, and recycled souls. Seth and Anna get a little too into it for PlasticMan's taste, however, as Seth takes Anna's hands between his and tells her they could've shared a soul. "You know what I was thinking about the other day? Law school," Poor, Unloved, Forgotten, Gay Andy Moffat says, by way of an awkward interruption and change of subject. They all look at him blankly. "Apropos of…?" PlasticMan asks. "Oh, you all went to school together?" Seth offers helpfully. Andy Moffat nods. "Did we?" Shaggy asks, echoing the group's thoughts. Andy Moffat goes into a long, painful proof of how he drove all their drunk asses home and had to get new floor mats because Shaggy threw up on them. "That was you?" Shaggy asks. Andy Moffat nods slowly. "That wasn't you," Shaggy says. PUFG Andy reminds them of a class they all had with some crazy professor giving a lecture with his fly open. They all remember that. "Tweety Bird boxers!" Riley says. PUFG Andy looks relieved. Hubbub of laughing and reminiscing that, once again, PUFG Andy is left out of. His Buddha instincts aroused, Seth watches all of them, particularly PUFG Andy. The laughter subsides, and they all look at PUFG Andy again. "You were in that class?" Riley asks. PUFG Andy's face falls as he nods. What tools. I'd feel sorry for PUFG Andy, but the writers have just gone too far on this one. It's beyond the bounds of believability, so it gets no real response from me. Alone in his room, PUFG Andy checks the cancer bulletin board and sees that he has a message. It's an advert for "Live Sex Shows." Half of me got scared that he was going to click on it, and the other half of me thought, "What kind of perverts send sex emails to a cancer site?" Did you see how I used the word "pervert" correctly? PUFG Andy listens to his roommates talking and laughing downstairs and pulls a face.
Riley snoozes in a chair at work until Anna comes in and scares the poop out of her. Anna commiserates with her, "It's okay, I fell asleep on the train -- how safe is that?" Anna asks if she wants some more coffee. "Oh, no," Riley answers, "my stomach is wrecked and my back is killing me!" "Mine, too," Anna says, twisting herself into an unnatural pose. "I need an adjustment." Riley says she needs a nap. Anna looks at her and exclaims that they're not in their thirties. Um, yeah, you are, Mathis! "We're just a little tired, a little overworked, that's all," Anna says. "Yeah, yeah!" Riley agrees. Anna slumps in a leather and steel chair: "Umph!" Riley looks at her. "You just made a noise when you sat down -- my parents do that!"
Peter Gunn-type music plays as Andy Moffat and PlasticMan walk into a conference room. "Richard Wad?" PlasticMan asks. A spikey-haired guy with retro-glasses says, "Unfortunate name, I know. Please, no jokes unless you can think of something a little higher than the obvious." "You're a PI?" PlasticMan asks. "That's right, studied with the best: Mannix, Ironsides, Baretta," PI Wad says. To PlasticMan and Andy Moffat's blank looks, P.I. Wad says, "I'm guessing you don't get TV Land." I don't think those shows are even on TV Land. He just went down the list of the "TV's Greatest Cop Themes" CD and selected a few. PlasticMan admits to only watching himself on the Cartoon Network, while Andy Moffat prefers to take the good and the bad and only watch Nick at Nite for some reason. Okay, so neither of them watches any TV because they're too busy pretending to be lawyers. "Anyhoo [yes, that's what the captioning tells me he says], here's our guy. Jameson Bishop. Took early retirement from Brinner Research. Lives in Walnut Creek. Here's his credit report." PlasticMan starts to say that they didn't ask for his credit report, but PI Wad barrels on, "Looked for big deposits around the time he left the company, hush money, that sort of thing. Nada -- the guy's so clean you could eat off him. So I followed him. Took some pictures." "Pictures?" Andy Moffat echoes in disbelief. "Got him havin' lunch with some chick, could be his mistress. All right, it could be his daughter," P.I. Wad admits. "It could be totally irrelevant," PlasticMan says, snatching the picture from the PI. "We asked you to locate the guy, not --" "Like that's hard," P.I. Wad says. "Hey, at least I located the guy. Don't gotta get all snippy." Heh. Again with the Peter Gunn music, and PI Wad exits. Something tells me that the overt quirkiness of this guy means he'll be a recurring character -- if the show lasts that long.
Elsewhere at Dewey, Cheetham and Howe (tm Car Talk), Senior Ass a.k.a. Bentley, walks in and tells Riley and Anna he read their petition. and then proceeds to ream them out over how badly written it was. "I found at least two sentences with comma splices that obfuscate their meaning!" That's the only sentence that merits repeating, because I can hear Mr. Totalot saying that about my seventh-grade English papers. He tells them his notes are in the margins, and would they please put his name in the captions time. The Delia Twins arrive at the tail end of his invective and ask, "Should we be worried?" Senior Ass Bentley whisks them off to the conference room for their deposition. "Did you get our Perfect Circle tickets?" one of them asks. "I did," Senior Ass toadies, "and hey, thank you for that backstage pass." "There's a party afterwards," the other Delia Twin says. Riley asks Anna if it's okay to cry "now." "I wouldn't give them the satisfaction," Anna half-sobs, grabbing her hand and leading her away.
"With all due respect," Joe is saying to O'Donnell as they cruise through the office, "a concept of which you have no understanding, she says she's hanging onto the preposterous notion you may actually remember her fiftieth birthday." O'Donnell snorts derisively over "fiftieth." "You gotta admire her," he says. Joe tells him to send an appropriate gift, at the very least. "Get her a cross and some nails, Joe, big ones," O'Donnell suggests. Joe reminds him that he was hired to force O'Donnell to do things he would prefer to avoid: "This is one of those things and, frankly, I can't believe you would be so heinous as to let your own mother sit at home on her birthday. She is at heart a kind woman deserving of love and respect as she enters her autumn years. She should be wined and dined to celebrate another of life's great passages." O'Donnell agrees, and tells him that's why Joe will be taking her to dinner. "That flatulent ogress? Are you out of your mind?!" Joe squawks. O'Donnell says it's about time he gets his money's worth out of Joe, "and she's going to like you -- you're going to make a nice little appetizer. Now, get outta here!" O'Donnell grabs some candy at the front desk and looks at the jar marked "Honor." He makes some hand motions at the Honor Jar as if he deposited money and then turns to looks at another Senior Ass who's staring at him. "What? You wanna make out with me?" O'Donnell asks. "Will that get me a partnership?" Senior Ass asks. "Depends on how you kiss," O'Donnell tells him. I'm so sick of the lame attempts at snarky, pithy bon mots every time these esquires open their mouths. Who do they think they're trying to be -- MBTV? Try harder. Much harder. PlasticMan and Andy Moffat approach O'Donnell and tell him they want to interview a Brinner lab tech who took early retirement after mathroline was removed from the market. O'Donnell tells them he won't allow them to waste the firm's time and money. They tell him they'll do it on their own time. O'Donnell informs them that they don't have their own time. PlasticMan says they'll make the time up: "Maybe we can prove more than strict liability, maybe we can go for punitives." O'Donnell tells them that the facts of the case don't even support strict punitives: "It's a crappy case, I told you that. At best we get a payoff to make this nuisance go away." Andy Moffat asks, "What about Mr. Kolatch? Don't we represent his best interests?" O'Donnell tells them they do, but the two of them can't do that if they've lost objectivity, "Which clearly you both have. Don't get involved with your clients, gentlemen. Wrap this thing up, now."
Seth walks into Andy Moffat and Shaggy's office, stating that O'Donnell is "wound up tight." Andy Moffat asks him what he said to O'Donnell. "Just that we might scare them into a settlement but it won't be much. And I'm thinkin' -- that's how they're going to be held accountable for what they did to me, by giving me a few thousand bucks? You think that's right?" Andy Moffat tells him he's a first-year and he thinks what he's told to think: "Admittedly a cop-out." Shaggy squints at them and says, "Let me get outta your hair." Andy Moffat glares at him. Shaggy bites his lip and rephrases, "I'll go elsewhere." Seth jerks a thumb at Shaggy's back: "See that? He's freaked by me." "No more than he's freaked by me," Andy Moffat tells him, looking down at his notes. Seth tells him he can always tell when people are "weirded out" by having a "dying guy in the room. They don't want to think about it or be around it -- they're afraid of it so they avoid it. They don't understand, you know?" Andy Moffat chuckles, which makes Seth say that "[he] wasn't going for 'funny.'" Andy Moffat apologizes and explains that Seth could say the exact same thing about being gay. "Well, but everybody's going to die, not everybody's gay. At least you people have bars," Seth points out, oddly invoking Ross Perot with his "you people" reference. Andy Moffat asks if Seth's tried support groups, but Seth says that a bunch of people talking about dying depresses him. Just so we're all on the same page: Seth reminding everyone around him that he's dying doesn't depress him? PlasticMan breezes in and says he couldn't log onto the cancer bulletin board because his computer froze. Andy Moffat obliges, and they scroll down hundreds, thousands, no, zillions of responses to their mathroline posting. "Oh, my god," Andy Moffat breathes. Point of issue: almost all the responses have their own subject line. If you responded to a bulletin board posting, wouldn't all the responses be "re: mathroline bites the big one," or something? But then, what do I know? I mean, it's not like I post every day on several online bulletin boards or anything.
Shaggy lies in bed and thinks aloud about his own mortality while Riley plays with her hair, attempting to smooth away five years with rubber binders and pigtails. Getting into bed, she proceeds to ignore Shaggy's whining about how they planned to do all sorts of stuff but they've never gotten around to it. "Like getting some sleep?" Riley asks from the depths of her Calvin Klein "Bamboo Flower" bedding. "Like have sex in the stacks of the law library, we used to talk about that. Who has time anymore?" Shaggy asks his navel. "Who has time for life anymore?" his navel responds. Unless that was Riley responding -- but I'm one Caffrey's not too sure. Shaggy thinks about paraplegics and asks Riley to "finish [him] off quickly" if he's ever paralyzed. Riley "mmms" her response.
PlasticMan, clad only in a t-shirt (ewww-uh!), sits down on a couch and manages to sit on Anna, who squeals. "What, you live here now?" PlasticMan asks hopefully. Anna whines, "Everyone keeps asking me that like they think it's clever." She explains that she and Riley finished their redraft, and she decided to crash there "because going home made no sense." She asks PlasticMan why he's up so late, and he tells her that his and Andy Moffat's case is keeping him snoreless. Anna reprimands him for talking about the case "and not the guy. Seth. He's dying and you're more concerned with a huge settlement." PlasticMan tells her she's really got "a thing" for Seth. Anna tells him not to be ridiculous; she has compassion for him. "Oh, so you were just being charitable when you said you'd go on a date with him?" PlasticMan asks. "I did not and how do you know that?" Anna asks. PlasticMan tells her "word travels," then states that she's going to sleep with him. "I am not, and if I did it would so be none of your business," Anna screeches. At this point, my little Crouching Tiger, Poppadum, starts biting my fingers as I type, in desperate protest that I kept rewinding this scene in order to understand their garbled lines. PlasticMan has to know the reason for Anna's recent possible display of loose legs, and asks her if it's because she feels sorry for him because he's dying. Anna starts to say something, but doesn't. "Oh, that's it," PlasticMan says, "it's a pity thing. You know, you could pity me." Anna tells him she already does, "but for completely different reasons." PlasticMan leans on her and says he has a cough that's been bothering him. "Go put on some underwear!" Anna says, kicking at him. Like she's one to talk. PlasticMan gets up and makes a big display of pulling his shirt down. Anna huffs into her pillow as PlasticMan's bare white thighs (oh, I'm going to be so very sick) walk around the couch.
The morning, Andy Moffat answers a banging at the front door. Seth whizzes in and says, "Why wait?" when Andy comments he thought they were meeting at the office. He hands over his medical records because PlasticMan asked for them, and dashes off to the kitchen to get more tea. Seth asks if Anna is around. "No, she's out for a jog. Said something about her ass hanging down around her ankles," Andy Moffat tells him. The writers must really be proud of that metaphor if they keep invoking it in every episode. Andy gets all sensitive about PlasticMan's asking for Seth's medical records, since they're "partners" on the case. Seth says he thought PlasticMan was "over him" in the law firm. That gets Andy all bent out of shape, but then he apologizes, "Sorry, I guess my therapy is showing," and goes into the whys and wherefores of letting Miles dominate the case. "We're the same age, Warren," Seth tells him. "Your point?" Andy Moffat asks, being a bit of a thickie. "What the hell are you waiting for?" Seth exclaims.
Andy Moffat and PlasticMan visit Jameson Bishop to question him about mathroline. PlasticMan takes the softer approach, while Andy Moffat takes the "I Am Gay Man, Hear Me Roar" approach and badgers the old man into admitting that he knew mathroline was bad. He uses phrases like "You suck as a liar, Mr. Bishop," and "Be that man again, Mr. Bishop!" You can do it, Duffy Moon! PlasticMan attempts to shove a cork in Andy Moffat, but it's a no-go. Andy shakes a bunch of names in Bishop's face, telling him those are all the people who are dying because of mathroline. "You don't understand," Bishop crumbles, "mathroline gave those people a higher understanding of Mandelbrot sets!" Okay, okay, he says that the treatment gave them a few more years to live. Bishop looks at the names. Andy Moffat is victorious.
Anna stalks into the office, carrying a tray of coffee-bar coffee. Riley corners her and says that the Delia's Twins never said "boo" about an interview to Mindy. "Who's the coffee for?" Riley asks. "Barbie and Midge [hee]," Anna says. "They came in to talk to Bentley because they're concerned about how their case is being handled!" "What?!" Riley says, copping a vicious 'tude, and then says that, since they took the bar, they should be able to think of a way to kill them and get away with it. "Bentley too," Anna says, "he's got me fetching coffee," and then asks what Riley's reading. Riley tells her it's Mindy Fitterman's deposition. Apparently, Cami and Erica bought Mindy a day at a spa when they found out the reporter from Seventeen was coming. "They wanted to 'pamper' her for being so smart, so while Mindy was having avocado facials and full-body loofahs, Cami and Erica are being photographed for Seventeen magazine and taking all the credit," Riley tells her. "COWS!" Anna shrieks. Then they both notice Joe listening in as he prepares O'Donnell's coffee. Riley and Anna walk away. "So Mindy goes and starts her own web site. Do you blame her?" Riley asks. "Hmph!" Anna snorts, in agreement, I guess. "Then she goes on to say that Cami is a post-adolescent Nancy Reagan pre-tragedy and omigod, that's when I got a girl crush," Riley sighs. Anna reminds her that the DTs are their clients and deserve their respect. "Let's spit in their coffee," Anna says. Joe suggests they use toilet water: "O'Donnell's been drinking it for years."
Speak of the Devil's Advocate, O'Donnell is in the parking lot at night and is telling someone on the phone to "wait until after the cake to give her [his] gift. It's an unwanted hair remover, rechargeable." Is he carrying a yoga mat under his arm? "Now why am I not there again?" O'Donnell asks, then listens. "Perfect, but leave out the part about the abscess. Don't embellish, Joe. I want you to have her home by ten o'clock. Wha -- bonus? No, I don't -- Joe. Oh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you anymore, Joe!" O'Donnell finishes, as PlasticMan and Andy Moffat pull up in an SUV behind his silver Porsche. O'Donnell turns to face them, saying, "Nice parking job, ass --" but stops himself when he sees it's two of his minions. "What are you doing down here instead of being up there?" he barks. Andy Moffat tells him they went to Walnut Creek and got Bishop to agree to testify. "To what end?" O'Donnell asks. Turns out that the preliminary test of mathroline produced cancer cells and showed small abnormalities in a small percentage of lab mice. But because it was such a small percentage and the demand for the drug was so high, they rushed it into the market and hid the research. Bishop confronted the CEO with his findings, and when they decided to suppress it, Bishop resigned. Furthermore, Andy Moffat tells O'Donnell that their Internet posting has turned up people who have suffered malignancies from mathroline use, and they are all willing to testify. "The point being that Brinner Pharmaceuticals knew all along the potential was there. They knew. The bastards knew!" Andy Moffat grinds his teeth. O'Donnell regards them impassively. "You see?" he says. "Don't you love talking like a lawyer?" O'Donnell tells them that ordinarily he would fire them for doing exactly what he told them not to do, but now he wants to get the case in front of a judge ASAP. PlasticMan asks if they are going to turn the complaint into a class-action. They are. "YES!" PlasticMan shouts to the sky. O'Donnell tells them to amend their openings to state a class-action and ask for a continuance, and to have their drafts to Schumacher and Horner right away, and to turn over all their files. PlasticMan and Andy Moffat realize they've been cut out of the equation, and we check the Ideals Barometer to see that it's sunk a few notches.
Surprise, surprise -- PlasticMan and Andy Moffat have two very different ideas of what the motion draft should be. PlasticMan wants to take the cold, clinical approach, and Andy Moffat gravitates toward the human approach. They argue over what O'Donnell would want, and then decide to each write their own and let O'Donnell choose. And whoever wins gets a cookie.
Seth and Anna have their date with the Golden Gate Bridge waving in the background. Seth makes death jokes that, well, die. He tells Anna he doesn't have a lot of time for dating behavior. "So," he says, "I think you're really hot and I'd like to have sex with you." Anna coughs on her bagel. Seth apologizes for sounding crass, but he's on an "accelerated time frame." Anna explains that if anything were to happen between them, it would only be because she felt sorry for him. "Totally not a problem," Seth the Horndog says. Anna tries again: "But it would be a pity thing." "Whatever works for you," Seth says. Anna tells him, "It's not gonna happen. It can't." Because he's dying, of course, Seth sees the first-years more clearly than they see themselves, and tells Anna she's beating herself up because she's "pining after Miles like a thirteen-year-old." Anna's all surprised. "Dying people can be very intuitive," Seth tells her, "and Warren told me." Oh, all right: heh. But dying people can dole out advice and be fairly confident that more people are going to take it, simply because they aren't long for this world. Seth tells her that she shouldn't wait forever to make up her mind about Miles. "Time isn't something you get back," Seth says, sounding way too much like a fortune cookie. Anna ponders all these things in her heart.
Senior Ass Bentley tells Riley that she's not to open her mouth in front of the Delia Twins, and that she's only there as "a warm body." Anna rushes in with the DTs' coffees and apologizes for her lateness. "There was a baboon working the counter. Here's your decaf caps," she says. What about the non-fatness? "You're sure it's non-fat, right?" DT2 asks. "Oh, yeah," Anna says, giving Riley a look. The Delia's Twins drink, and coffee trickles down their fronts. They squeal and stamp their feet as Anna apologizes insincerely and hands them napkins. DT1 stops squealing and says, "Lookit, my nipples are showing!" "Mine too," DT2 says looking down. "Cool," they giggle and walk away. Senior Ass Bentley glares at them. Riley and Anna are disgusted.
O'Donnell walks to court, with Joe nipping at his heels. "Joe, this coffee tastes funny," he says. "Relax, it's chicory," Joe tells him. O'Donnell stops suddenly, and Joe bumps into his shoulder. Sight gags. Only funny when they're not so CONTRIVED. PlasticMan and Andy Moffat greet one another sullenly and prepare to listen to O'Donnell. O'Donnell picks Andy Moffat's motion to present before the court. Will wonders never cease? You know, I don't think I can keep watching this show if it's going to be so packed with surprises all the time -- I'll develop a heart condition. Andy Moffat sits there like a martyr, and PlasticMan socks his shoulder. I guess it's supposed to be in a "yo, comrade!" way, but for some reason, Andy Moffat looks like he's contemplating a crying jag. Outside the court, Seth waits. Ooh, can you smell the irony? The man who's dying waits. PlasticMan and Andy Moffat join him. "Coffee?" PlasticMan asks. "No, no," Seth says, "it gives you cancer." Comedian to the end. The dying man, Laughing At Life. The dying man is More Alive Than The Living. Tragic non-irony. O'Donnell walks over and tells them that Brinner really wants this case to go away. PlasticMan asks if they made an offer. "But if I accept, what about all the other people? Does this screw up all their chances?" Seth interrupts. O'Donnell says there's nothing preventing others from filing suit and winning, "big." St. Andy Moffat the Martyr tells Seth, "Before you decide, Seth, I want to say I admire the fact that your first question wasn't 'how much?'" Seth tells him that was his second question. O'Donnell tells him they've offered $3.5 million. O'Donnell tells him they could get ten times that if it were class-action. "But that could take years," O'Donnell tells him. "And I'd be dead by then," Seth says. O'Donnell tells him it's his call and claps him on the shoulder: "Let me know." Seth thanks him, and they shake on it. The three men -- one dying, one gay, and one a superhero made of plastic -- sit there contemplating life.
Shaggy looks for a book in the law library and stumbles across Riley in a trenchcoat. Do I really have to go on with this scene? Shaggy gets pissed off that he was doing Riley a favor by looking up this book for her because she said she didn't have the time to do it herself. He's not too swift, is he? Riley shushes him, reminding him "this is a library," and kisses him. She drops her coat, and Shaggy giggles. "Loving that!" Shaggy says. Big, loud zipper noise, and Shaggy tells her he can die now. As will I -- just as soon as I crawl into this hole.
The firm seems to be celebrating something. Champagne pops, people dance, and there are streamers everywhere. O'Donnell chases Joe, laughing and saying, "You didn't, you did!" Joe says he did. "Ow," O'Donnell says, grabbing his face, "but she's a harpy! God, she's a banshee, and most foul, she's my mother!" Night in the Life of Jimmy Joe Reardon says, "Look, she's an attractive woman, sir, okay, in a Joan Collins sort of way, and there was alcohol involved." He looks rather sick as he says all this. O'Donnell tells him it's unthinkable "on so many levels." Joe tells him, "Look, this is the absolute nadir of our relationship, okay?" and walks to the bathroom. O'Donnell tries to call him back and asks, "Was she good?" That's just -- more beer -- can't even describe -- words fail -- yuck. PlasticMan and Andy Moffat ask O'Donnell if everything's okay. "Gentlemen, men of honor," O'Donnell says, "drink up, it's a good night for us." St. Andy Moffat the Martyr says he thinks champagne is inappropriate. PlasticMan also declines. O'Donnell can't figure out what's wrong with them: "Fine, I'll drink by myself: to two sharks in training [here the obligatory office slut hangs on O'Donnell's arm, grinning at everyone], with the finest Brinner Pharmaceutical's money can buy. You two just made this firm a fortune!" PlasticMan and St. Andy Moffat the Martyr don't exactly enjoy this toast.
Anna snoozes in an office, and PlasticMan tucks her coat around her. But wait, she's not really sleeping! She opens her eyes as PlasticMan walks away. He stops and turns around, only to find her sleeping. He shakes his head and walks out of the office. Anna smiles to herself. Be still my heart.
St. Andy Moffat the Martyr joins a smoking Seth on the balcony. SAMM hands over an envelope and says, "Seth, will you take this please, before I jump on a plane to Rio?" Seth tells him he "did the math," and "if [he] make[s] it to eight months, [he's] got seven thousand dollars and some change to spend every day." SAMM tells him "that's something," and asks if he's thought about what he's going to do. Seth has several ideas: keep traveling, give it all away to charities, throw it all in singles off a tall building. Seth takes the check and looks at it. "This says we won, right?" he asks. "Count the zeros," SAMM says. "And now everyone's going to know what they did to me -- to all of us," Seth says. SAMM tells him it will be in the papers the day. "That's all I wanted," Seth says. SAMM gives him a list of all the other plaintiffs in the case. "You should call them. You don't have to be alone," SAMM says, turning from martyr to Savior. For the first time in the show, Seth gets choked up as he looks at the numbers. He gets up and walks out. "Take care of yourself?" St. Andy Moffat the Savior says. Seth pauses and puts on his tough-guy voice: "Hey, somebody's got to." I've been wondering something throughout the whole stupid show: where are this guy's family members? St. Andy Moffat the Savior struggles to keep from crying.
The four first-years hang out by the elevator. The Sex Couple are secretively pleased with one another. Anna checks her watch and says, "Wait, it's twelve-fifteen and Perfect Circle's second show is at one o'clock and Miles has his car." "We're in the city," PlasticMan With Car says. "We're dressed," Riley puts in. But just barely, eh -- nudge, nudge, wink, wink? "More importantly, we're awake!" PlasticMan says. They all dash into the elevator, shouting, "Perfect Circle!" before they can change their minds. Andy Moffat is left in the office. PlasticMan sticks his arm in the elevator door to prevent it from closing. "Hey, Warren, you coming?" he asks. Andy Moffat looks around wildly, wondering who on earth he is talking to. "Oh, I'll be home shortly," he says. "No, I meant to Perfect Circle," PlasticMan says. Wait, how do they have tickets? The lady on the radio said all shows were sold out. Andy Moffat stutters, "Really? Yeah, that sounds -- that's be -- great! I'd be happy to drive, I'm on medications so I can't drink." Shaggy looks at him and says, "That sounds just like, uh -- that was you! That was you that drove us home from Tony Reitano's!" "Yeah!" Andy Moffat says, jubilantly. "You yammered the whole way about your allergy medication -- you drive like an old woman, you're not driving for us!" Suddenly the two girls shriek in recognition, "Oh, yes, you are driving for us!" Andy Moffat smiles, not minding the ragging, because that means (gasp) -- that means he's a part of their Perfect Circle!