Episode Report Card Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Pride and Prejudice
By Keckler | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 03.18.2001
Riley meets with her client in prison. Riley briskly goes into questioning her about her child, ascertaining that the baby is almost four months old and that she has no idea where the father is. In the middle of all this, the woman asks Riley sullenly, "Why do you talk like that?" "Like what?" Riley asks. "Like that," the client says. Riley ignores that and tells her she really needs her to answer her questions. Riley asks if there are any other relatives who could be guardian to Marissa, the baby. The woman starts to cry and says, "My grandmother," but it appears that the grandmother doesn't want the baby. Riley asks why she initially wanted the adoption in the first place. The woman shakes her head and says, "When I get out of here, my daughter is going to be grown. My lawyer said maybe I'll get parole, he wasn't sure. He said I got a raw deal. This is my first offense, Miss Kessler." Riley reminds her that she was convicted of felony murder. "You understand how serious that is, don't you?" Riley asks her, in slightly condescending tones. Her client comes alive: "I sat in the car! I didn't go into that store!" Riley reminds her that the man she was with killed a nineteen-year-old boy. "He was just going to get some things we needed, he didn't even ask for money and I'm not asking for forgiveness but I got a raw deal and my daughter shouldn't have to pay for it!" her client sobs. Riley thinks for a minute and tries to collect herself as prison doors slam in the background. "You had ninety days to legally withdraw your consent to adoption, why didn't you do it then?" she asks. Her client tells her that the baby was born in the prison, and she didn't think she had a whole lot of choices. Riley describes the adoptive parents as mid-thirties, excellent health, never been in debt, financially secure, he's a prof, she teaches Special Ed, and both have excellent driving records. Riley throws out a hand like, "What more do you want?" Her client says, "So you say I'm gonna lose my baby to them?" Riley says she's just informing her of her options, and she doesn't have any, since the couple has the law on their side. "Look, unless you have some reason why you believe they wouldn't be good parents or would harm your child in some way, you don't have a case," Riley says, and asks why she doesn't want them to adopt her baby. "They're white and nobody told me that!" the client says. Riley's jaw drops. Okay, it doesn't exactly drop, but it gapes a little.
We get the first exterior shot of the house. It's a classic Victorian on the corner of a quiet street. Andy Moffat, Anna, and Shaggy are assembled in the kitchen, laptops open, researching and discussing O'Donnell's case. Anna, wearing a tiny tee-shirt that says "Lucky!" above a pot of gleaming gold, whinges that she knows all first-year associates get used and taken advantage of, but "this is the first time [she] feel[s] dirty!" Somehow I doubt that, but we'll move on. "I feel like I'm working for a tabloid!" Anna whines. Shaggy, who had started to unbuckle his pants at the table, mutters something and goes to the bathroom. Andy Moffat says, "Okay, foinding something oin Dr. Hoinemahn is proving to be vehry difficout." I had to rewind this scene seven times because of the way Mac Astin delivered his line: first of all, it's very stilted and unnatural -- almost as though he was reading it right off his laptop screen -- and secondly, he apparently decided he couldn't really do the Deep South accent again, so he went for an amalgamation of British glottals and New York rising diphthongs. Andy "Cum-Linda-Richman-Cum-Tony-Blair" Moffat announces that Dr. Heineman has been honored by every humanitarian and environmental group possible. From the bathroom, Shaggy asks, "How are we going to serve this guy with a summons?" PlasticMan walks by and closes the door, asking how they are going to get him to keep the bathroom door closed. Andy Moffat asks how they are going to get him to "hit the bowl." Okay, that's just gross and unnecessary. They all decide that Dr. Heineman is a prince beyond price and that the smartest thing he ever did was leaving O'Donnell's ex-wife, who sounds icky anyway. Then the conversation becomes all about Anna and PlasticMan as they argue when it's considerate to leave someone and when it's not. Andy Moffat and Shaggy make like they're going to leave, but Anna and PlasticMan force them to stay as they continue their public airing of grievances about each other, thinly veiled as an argument about Heineman and O'Donnell's ex. Riley comes down, grabs something from the fridge, and says, "Work till three, stress till five." Wha? Does she mean A.M. or P.M.? Must mean A.M., because otherwise it doesn't sound like that bad of a day to me. But since she's the only one appropriately dressed for work, I'll let it go. She kisses Shaggy and tells him she'll see him later. Suddenly, they are all in a panic about being late for work. There's very un-funny, un-charming confusion over who gets to wear some scarf, and they all run out the door, but not before Shaggy philosophizes, "You know, guys, if we're always working, it's not working, it's life!" "Fine, then we're late for life!" PlasticMan says. Deep, very deep. In the sense that they're all in the shallow end of the pool.
They all come out from some form of underground transport -- the MUNI or the BART, I guess -- and split off in twos: Shaggy with PlasticMan and Anna with Andy Moffat. Immediately, both sets start talking about PlasticMan and Anna and how nylons and numb knees and the best sex each of them ever had was involved. No, we don't get anything out of that, other than they had kinky sex and don't feel the need to keep it to themselves. Suddenly, it's nighttime, and just as suddenly we are in a bedroom with moving, groaning sheets. Oh, just -- stop. It's Riley and Shaggy, who can't manage to "hit the bowl" or keep the bathroom door closed when peeing. I bring that up because he's just so gross, and the idea of him in bed -- must. block. image. Shaggy accuses Riley of "faking," but agrees it was "one of her best" because after five years of experiencing them, he can tell the good ones from the bad. More moaning and slurping, and then Riley asks if he ever thinks about what it would be like to be in jail. Shaggy makes some stupid comment that people in jail have more sex than they do. Riley's serious. Shaggy reminds her that the woman sat in a car while her boyfriend killed a kid. Riley says it's not that easy to remember that when the woman's in front of her, crying about her baby, but admits that she can't get personally involved. Shaggy tells her she already is personally involved. Riley says they come from two different worlds so she can't tell her client what she thinks she should do. They cuddle and talk about having kids together. They're not ready now, but maybe when they're free from debt. "Coming down the hallway, I can hear everything," PlasticMan announces from the other side of the door. "And roommates," Shaggy adds. They talk about the chances of having really screwed-up kids, and Shaggy says, "Who do you know that isn't?" He rolls on top of her and fakes an orgasm. Still not funny. Still really gross.