Here's how it is: Television's shallow well of creativity got used up. So they scurried around and imagined a bunch of gimmicks to create new shows. Some (lousy reality shows) were rich and flush with media blitzes, ratings, and advertisers. Others (new dramas), not so much. The reality show producers formed an alliance to wage war to bring television under their rule. A few idiots tried to fight them. Among them: Firefly. With its snarky crew of stock characters, Firefly fought its way across the inhospitable Southern California wastelands, trying to eke out a humble 6.5 share. They failed. If you've got a show, they'll act in it. They don't much care what it is. You hear me, CSI: Miami?
Previously: This show was cancelled. Also, Simon and Kaylee sorta-kinda flirted. They show practically every scene between the two of them. I guess they decided to try de-gaying Simon. I blame myself for insisting to Jose Molina that Simon liked boys. Zoe and Wash are married, meaning that every single scene with both of them in it has to reflect upon their relationship somehow. And Inara is a whore. Whoooooooore! But Mal loves her anyway. And she loves him. So of course, they can never, ever admit it. If the real world were like television, mankind would become extinct, because half the people would be unwilling to reveal their attraction to the other half.
Faux-Arabic chanting plays as a cameraman hurtles down from space into the atmosphere of some unknown desert planet. He comes to a stop in front of what appears to be an old Spanish mission, covered with foil. Maybe it's Christo's childhood home? A young man and woman attach laundry to a line to dry. Or perhaps it's their latest installation piece. Off in the distance, they note a pack of men approaching the house on horseback. Suddenly a hovercraft careens over a hill to join them. The kids freak and call out to a woman named Nandi. Nandi, who is matriarchal, yet still stunningly beautiful, joins them outside. Nandi is played by Melinda "Lady Heather" Clarke. She orders the kids back into the house. They've still got a bunch of five-foot-tall Plexiglas Chinese take-out containers to paint lavender and dot about the landscape before tonight's show opening. The men all stop at the house, and a middle-aged man (evil!) in a Western suit (eeeeevil!) takes off his silly safety goggles (evil?) as he gets out of the hovercraft. Nandi declares that the house isn't open yet. The man calls her a whore, which is probably a good thing, because my very thin repertoire of Christo-related jokes just ran dry. Nandi refers to the man by his incredibly cheesy-fake Western name of Rance Burgess and tells him he's not welcome around La Maison Derriere anymore. Rance (eye-roll) doesn't care if he's welcome or not, he's there for "what's [his]." Nandi insists that there's nothing here that belongs to him, but in cheesy-fake Western speech, and orders him to leave. Rance (eye-roll) orders the men to find some girl. Nandi insists the girl he's looking for left a month ago. Of course, we immediately hear a girl scream. What, was she just standing there off-camera to the house?
The men drag an extremely pregnant young woman out of the house, and onto the dusty desert ground. It seems the woman, named Petaline (eye-roll) is carrying Rance's baby. She denies it. Rance pulls out some sort of sci-fi needle widget and apparently takes a DNA sample. He says he's going to test the DNA, and if the baby's his, he'll be back for it. He threatens, "If I have to, I'll cut it out of you." He and his men leave, as the other whores comfort Petaline.
So the evil man knocked up a hooker, and not only does he want the baby, the hooker wants to keep it for herself. Are they sure this show isn't supposed to be set in an alternate universe? The women all stand around and fret. Nobody will stand up against Rance on this moon. Nobody at all. Who will help these helpless hookers? Who?
Cut to the dining room of Serenity, where Mal is cleaning his gun. So you know we're looking at yet another episode of The A-Team In Space. Inara wanders in and startles him. Tiresome banter chock-full of sexual undercurrent follows. Mal tells her it's not wise to sneak up on a guy when he's handling his weapon. That's as subtle as one of those "Big Johnson" T-shirts. Inara fondles one of his guns (eye-roll) and teases him that the concealable weapons belong on the left side of the table setting. This dialogue is just wretched. Wash comes down and interrupts them to tell them they're getting a distress call. Mal thinks it's for him, but actually, it's for Inara. As she leaves, Mal asks, "This distress wouldn't happen to be taking place in someone's pants, would it?" Inara and I share eye-rolls. She heads off to take the call in her shuttle, as Mal continues fondling his guns. Worst. Intro. Ever.
Credits. Supreme Court Justice Scalia can't take this guy from me. Nyaaaah!
We return to Inara's shuttle, as she's chatting with Nandi through her video phone. Inara says her problem sounds like something the Serenity crew might help with, though she's not sure how well. Nandi starts, "If they've got guns and brains at all…" Inara responds, "They've got guns." Heh. Nandi says payment won't be a problem, what with all the whore money they've got. Nandi also worries that Inara won't help them, because apparently Nandi left the companion guild and Inara was ordered to "shun" her. Inara says the guild can carry a swan's egg across a river of milk on a silk pillow. That's how I translated the Chinese, anyway. They both make bland comments about how surprising it is that they're both out there in the middle of nowhere. Inara promises to get back to her on whether the crew will help. Nandi signs off in Chinese blessing ("My new fall show is already on the air, while yours is just a mid-season replacement. Ha ha!").
And of course, it turns out that Mal was eavesdropping on the conversation. I think I really would have grown to hate Mal if this series had continued. He's just very condescending and patriarchal and gets his back hair up about his own moral code, but has no respect for others. Inara fills him in on the details. Mal makes a comment about a whole house full of "companions." Inara explains that these folks aren't companions -- they're "whores," because they aren't registered with the guild. Remember, folks: Always look for the union label on your hooker. That's how you know you're getting a quality blowjob. Inara offers to pay them with her own money, but Mal won't have it, because, of course, these hookers are of the "noble poor" variety and are therefore deserving of Mal's ersatz noblesse oblige. Inara thanks him, but insists on paying, because she wants to keep things strictly as a "business relationship." She sits over by the monitor as she says this so that she doesn't to make eye contact, lest the UST finally overwhelm them and they fucking do something about it already. Mal says he'll speak to the crew as he leaves.
Down in the cargo bay, Zoe has apparently filled everybody in on the mission. It's strictly a personal choice among the crewmembers whether they want to participate. Jayne is hesitant because they haven't negotiated a specific dollar amount for the gig. Book blathers about people needing help, and that's why Jayne should help them. Shut up, Book. Don't you get it that Jayne doesn't care? Nobody cares. Shut up. Zoe reminds them that it's strictly volunteer. Jayne says, "Good. Don't know these people. Don't much care to." Mal says, "They're whores." Jayne says, "I'm in." I'm wondering how Zoe managed to describe what the mission is without ever saying they were protecting a whorehouse. Mal tells Wash to plot a course. Man, that was a long way to go simply for a joke about Jayne liking women with loose morals. I mean, duh.
Serenity CGIs its way onto the desert moon. The entire crew (including River, for some unknown, unexplained reason) has decided to participate in this bodyguard mission. As they head toward the whorehouse, Jayne wonders why it looks like a frozen dinner package. Kaylee explains that the foil is solar sheeting to provide cheap power. Jayne, amusingly, has gotten cleaned up for the trip and is wearing a nice striped button-up shirt and a hat. Perhaps, taking a page from the men on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, he asked Simon for some fashion advice.
They all enter the bordello, and Inara greets Nandi warmly. There are pretty young women and prettier young men lounging about. Inara introduces Mal to Nandi. He says, "Any friend of Inara's is a strictly businesslike relationship of mine." Shut up, Mal. Mal introduces Zoe and the crew as Jayne wastes no time cozying himself up to some woman at the bar. He asks Mal, "Can I start getting sexed already?" Mal responds, "Well, that one's kind of horrific," as if thousands of woman and men wouldn't have been shouting "Yes!" at the television if this had made it onto the air. The woman Jayne's talking to doesn't seem at all appalled at Jayne's comment, because duh. Zoe, Mal, and Inara accompany Nandi into another room to talk business. Nandi invites the others to make themselves "at home" as she leaves. Kaylee, Simon, Wash, and River stand around awkwardly, looking around the room. Kaylee says, "Look, they've got boy whores. Ain't that thoughtful? Wonder if they service girlfolk at all." Wash suggests they not ask. Simon, clearly uncomfortable with discussing boys who may or may not prefer each other's company, asks if there's a pregnant woman around somewhere he's supposed to be seeing to. Everybody ignores him. Jayne and the blonde woman get lust all over each other. Wash asks Kaylee if she'd actually pay for sex. Kaylee responds, "Well, it's not like anybody else is lining up to, you know, 'examine' me." Well, maybe Simon's not gay after all. Maybe he's just put off by Kaylee's obvious aura of desperation. Jayne, bouncing around like a boy opening his presents on Christmas morning, says, "My John Thomas is about to pop off and fly about the room, there's so much tasty here!" It's Adam Baldwin's ecstatic little giggle after that line that makes it worthwhile. Could you imagine a bad actor trying to sell that one? Wash tells Jayne, "Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker." Apparently, Wash does, too.
A woman escorts Petaline in to meet with Simon. Simon says, "Let's get you lying down and take a look at you." Jayne thinks that's a great idea as well, except he means something in the earlier part of the whole baby-making program, as he and the blonde head up some stairs. A couple of women approach Book as he makes a sandwich over at the bar. He seems to think they want to offer him their "wares." They don't. They were hoping he would lead them in a "prayer meeting." They don't get much religion there. One explains that the last shepherd to come through town only read one passage, and then "took it out in trade" on the both of them. Book looks surprised. He thought he was the stiffest preacher in the 'verse. Thank you and goodnight! Kaylee whines that everybody's got somebody except for her. And River. And Simon. She orders Wash to tell her that she's pretty. He says that if he were unwed, he would "take her in a manly fashion." Ew. Stop that. Only Jayne can sell that shit.
In Nandi's "office" or whatever, she's explaining the details about Rance and Petaline. She's not sure if Rance is really the father of Petaline's baby. Regardless, she thinks Rance would be a horrible father and shouldn't have it. She says, "His barren prairie shrew can't bear him an heir, so he takes it into his head to pull it out of us." I'm sorry, what? What? This is all because his wife is infertile? It's 500 freaking years in the future, and he has to force a hooker to have his baby? Artificial insemination? Surrogate mothers? Hello? Hello? Do these people truly expect me to believe that a man who is powerful enough to rule an entire moon doesn't have access to fertility technology? Good god. Awful. Nandi further explains that Rance has enough money to build an advanced city, but he hoards all the money and technology so he can play cowboy. That makes the plot even more idiotic. She says he's turned this moon into a "theme park," because all this dusty Western stuff is somehow different from all the dusty Western stuff on all the other moons they've been on. Mal says he wants to meet Rance, so he can "size him up." Nandi tells him he's sure to be at "the theater" tonight. He asks Inara if she can "stoop to being on [his] arm." Inara responds, "Will you wash it first?" And don't forget to spray on some UST, by Calvin Klein.
We cut to the theater, where a man is narrating some sort of shadow puppet show about how the Earth got all "used up" in Chinese. ("It all started when an oil man bought the U.S. presidency…") Mal and Inara (in "fancible" attire) wander up to Rance as he's talking to some other people about how he forced some guy into a shotgun wedding. Mal looks down and notices a strange metal gun on Rance's hip. There's a severe-looking woman sitting to him, because, of course, god forbid sensual, loving women ever have fertility problems. Mal laughs a little too loudly at Rance's story and then praises his "old-fashioned values." Rance doesn't know who Mal is, of course. Mal introduces himself and compliments Rance's gun. Rance allows Mal to hold it, so that he can explain all the features to us. It's a very high-tech laser gun, which Mal observes is actually illegal for Rance to own. There's some blather from Rance and his wife about how it's okay for him to bend the law in order to protect his "family." The actor playing Rance is kind of hot. I'm just saying. Shut up. Mal makes some more chitchat, compliments Rance's wife, and takes his leave with Inara. After Mal leaves, Rance pulls a silver tampon out of his pocket and starts talking into it. Oh, it's a communicator of some sort.
Outside, Inara asks Mal what the plan is now. Mal says the plan is to pack everything up and "get the hell off this rock as fast as we can."
Inside, Rance discovers that Petaline's baby is indeed his. A tense chord plays, as if there was actually a chance that the baby wouldn't be his and the episode would end thirty minutes early.
When we return from the commercial break that will never be, Mal is back at the whorehouse, explaining his "Run away! Run away!" plan to the crew and the whores. He believes they're outgunned, and also that Rance isn't exactly the type of guy who will give up if he's turned away once, since he thinks whatever loopy thing he's doing is "right by God." Mal doesn't think his crew would be able to permanently keep Rance and his men away. Nandi says she understands -- Mal wants to protect his crew, and this isn't his fight. But Mal didn't mean he and his crew were just going to leave; he wants to take Nandi and her jiggly, giggly friends with them. Because, once again, normal, reasonable behavior would cut the episode short, Nandi has to be stubborn and refuse to leave. One of my (many, many, many) pet peeves about writing, besides conflict that develops because characters don't talk to each other like normal people, is conflict that develops because of pointless stubbornness. Nandi gives some lengthy speech about how she built this den of sin with her own two hands blah blah blah entrepreneur-cakes. Honey, it's a whorehouse, not the Cathedral at Notre Dame. It's nice and all, but the man in charge threatened to gut one of your employees. Take the hint. Go. Oh, and "Heart of Gold" is actually the name of the whorehouse. See, it's not a cliché if we incorporate it into the episode somehow, right?
Mal, of course, is charmed by Nandi's potentially suicidal stubbornness. And so, apparently, is the rest of the crew. Jayne, hanging out with his latest best friend that isn't a gun, suggests that Rance won't be expecting a fight, so maybe they can surprise him. Zoe describes putting together a multi-shift watch in terms Wash pretends to understand, but doesn't. Book makes a comment about being good with a hammer, leading to the obligatory, tired reference to Jesus being a carpenter. Shut up, Book. Mal thinks that Rance and his men might try to "burn" them all out of the house in order to save ammo. That doesn't seem to make much sense if Rance has some sort of cowboy fetish (well, more of a cowboy fetish). It turns out this is just an excuse to give Kaylee something to do -- fiddle with their well and Serenity in some inexplicable fashion in order to deal with any fires. River suddenly declares, "It's starting." Mal, of course, thinks she's referring to their idiotic strategy, but actually she's being psychic again. Over on a sofa, Petaline suddenly goes into labor. Mal does the obligatory "helpless man panicking in the face of a woman giving birth" song and dance around the room, but Simon temporarily takes over and ushers Petaline out. Mal orders everybody else to get to work preparing for Rance and his men.
It's fun to imagine this part with the theme song to The A-Team playing in your head. Crew members hammer boards to walls and such to fortify themselves from attack. Zoe and Wash set up some sort of tripwire outside. Jayne and Zoe load their weapons. Petaline huffs and screams. Nandi looks concerned. She's probably wondering if they can continue to use the room for whorin' after a baby was born in it.
The two ladies who talked to Book before come up to him again while he's hammering to discuss what they'd like him to say over their bodies if they should get killed. Rather than being a good man of the cloth and listening to these women's fears and preparing for that very realistic eventuality, he simply insists to them that nobody's going to die. He really is one of the worst preachers on television, to RevCam. I know it's not technically a lie, because Book has no way of knowing the future, but what preacher with the sense God gave a ferret would presume to know what the outcome would be in the first place? What is he going to say to these women if people do actually die? If I were a religious person, I don't think I would find it comforting to have a spiritual leader which such a weak grasp of reality in dangerous circumstances. I mean, you can comfort people without stringing them along idiotically.
Meanwhile, the "stupid" one, Jayne, up in a bedroom, tells his new best friend that some folks are going to get killed. He explains to her how people are going to panic, and warns her not to lose her wits. See? Jayne rules. Book drools. We see to the bed a long table that is absolutely covered with guns. Jayne's temporary girlfriend has been put on weapon-handling duty. Again. Snerk. Sorry. Anyway, she's going to make sure Jayne's always got a loaded gun to shoot with. Hee. Snerk. Sorry. Incidentally, there's really effective natural lighting in this room. I know I've teased a few times in past episodes, but they've done some pretty effects with lighting throughout the series. After he's done with all the explaining, she jumps on his lap, so they can -- you know -- that. I'd make another weapons joke, but they're not as funny if they actually are about sex.
Outside, Wash and Zoe are arguing about having a baby as they kick sand over some trap. Apparently Zoe wants to have a baby, but Wash doesn't, because he thinks their lives are too dangerous. What we've learned about the characters so far made me feel that the positions would be reversed -- conservative, cautious Zoe would resist motherhood, while goofy, snarky, occasionally immature Wash would want one. But Wash is once again of the "this is all so dangerous!" mindset, even though he voluntarily joined it long before he and Zoe were a couple. Zoe says that she doesn't want to abandon the chance to have a child just because there's a possibility they could lose it. She says they'd make a beautiful child together (true, that), gives him a meaningful look, and walks off.
Nandi and Mal are fiddling around in some other room in the house. In a cute touch, we can hear Jayne off-screen, giving his temporary girlfriend shooting lessons. Apparently, every time she misses the target, she has to, uh, "give up a special treat" to Jayne. See, I don't think that's the kind of incentive that will actually improve her accuracy. I'm just saying. Mal comments that Jayne's going to cost them all the credit they've earned from the house before they even finish the mission. Nandi jokes that after they save all their lives, Mal and the crew can do some chores around the house. She adds that she's surprised that the crew isn't "taking more out of trade" out of the house. Mal points out that they aren't some big greedy conglomerate. He adds that Book is a preacher, Wash is married, and Simon -- there's a pause here where I can only assume that Mal is about to say "is gay," but then remembers that there are some affectionate boys there as well. He concludes instead, "Well, he'd have to relax for thirty seconds to get his play. And that would be a miracle." This discussion takes place while Mal looks over a stash of old-fashioned concealable guns Nandi owns. It turns out that when Nandi commented about the crew not taking advantage of the erotic opportunities, she was referring to Mal. She wants to know when Mal is going to let his crotch rocket out for a drive. Mal hems and haws about having work to do. Nandi says Mal hasn't even noticed the women, and asks him if he's "sly," which is Firefly slang for gay. Mal sputters and demands, "Who told you that? Was it Simon? I was drunk! I thought he was a girl! Have you seen his skin?" No, he doesn't. He does say he's not "sly" -- he just wants to take things "one at a time" and doesn't like "complications." Nandi says, "Oh, I'm certain of that." Mal wonders why she's smiling all of the sudden. Nandi reminds him that she has had "companion training" and is therefore capable into seeing into the heart and soul of every human being, or whatever. That must be why I find Inara so dull -- she's the crew's Troi.
Speaking of which, Nandi wanders around the room and changes the subject to Inara. She talks about how great Inara is. Mal agrees. Nandi is obviously feeling Mal out to try to determine if there's a connection between him and Inara, but Mal, of course, is oblivious. As he always is about Inara. Nandi asks if Mal knows why Inara left the guild house and struck out on her own. Mal doesn't know. Neither does Nandi, because Nandi left the guild, permanently, long before Inara took off. Nandi talks about how Inara had some sort of ambitions to be a "priestess" -- and I don't even want to know what that companion-related euphemism means -- before she left. She declares that Inara is "special," and that she and Mal have certain personality traits in common, like not wanting "complications." Mal, of course, misses all the subtlety. You need to give Mal a condom and say, "Inara is in Room 312. Go have sex with her now. Idiot." That's the only way it's going to happen.
Inara herself is down helping Simon deliver Petaline's baby. River is there, too. There's the typical contraction, don't bear down, blah blah blah baby-cakes. Inara serves as a nurse, wiping Petaline's brow and getting medicines for Simon. She asks Simon how many babies he's delivered. He admits that this will be his first. Inara says it will also be her first. River adds that it's her first, too. Simon and Inara give River a look, because I guess it's normal for companions to help deliver babies? Inara insists that Simon's a great doctor and gives him a little peck on the cheek. River watches Petaline and asks, "Who do you think is in there?" Because she's crazy. Or possibly she believes in reincarnation.
Back in Nandi's room, Nandi is explaining to Mal that the dulcimer drove her out of the companion academy. As it would any sane person. Mal jokingly asks her if she killed a dulcimer in a heat of passion. It turns out she did. She was constantly practicing the thing, and her instructor kept telling her that she was just "playing" some piece, not "feeling" it. Finally she just picked the dulcimer up and smashed it. As would any sane person. So, she realized the life of a companion was just a bit too constricting, and left to become a plain old whore who doesn't have to play pretentious music and just has sex for money. Mal laughs as Nandi refills his glass with some more booze. Is it sexist against men for me to point out that booze will probably seduce more men than some stupid dulcimer anyway? Nandi blathers a bit about the man who ran Heart of Gold before she arrived, so she really didn't build it with her own two hands or whatever. Anyway, he was an ass, and she took care of him in some sort of vague, unexplored fashion. Mal finishes his drink and starts flirting with Nandi. She starts flirting back. Mal realizes where this is going and pauses, saying he should check the barricades. Nandi interrupts him to tell him that everyone's asleep. There's more banter. They get closer, closer, closer. There's a reference to Book. Ick. Closer. Finally, they kiss. She asks him if he's okay with the kiss. He says, "I'm just waiting to see if I pass out. Long story." As I recall, way too long. Nandi says she wants to sleep with Mal. Mal agrees. Nandi stops him short for a moment when she says, "I ain't her." Mal says that it's only going to be the two of them (meaning he's not thinking of anybody else). It's unclear whether or not Mal realizes she meant Inara and not Saffron. But I'm going to guess Saffron, of course. There's more sex dialogue about remembering where things go and taking it slow.
And then we cut to the sex. Nandi straddles Mal in bed, the sheet taped to the small of her back so her ass doesn't show, which, as we all know, is what women normally do when they're in this position. A violin and guitar play as they kiss and squeeze and kiss and thrust and squeeze. For some reason, the music sounds rather melancholy, like we're supposed to feel sad that Mal's sleeping with Nandi and not Inara. Well, I don't. If she's not going to actually say anything, this is what she gets.
Somewhere else on the moon, Rance is hanging out in front of a burning torch. He comments to nobody in particular that Nandi has found herself "a champion." Ah, it turns out that Rance has a mole. Or perhaps a "moll" would be more appropriate? The whore who was serving as Petaline's escort when she first met Simon is feeding information to Rance about the crew. After she gives him the details, we cut around to see that Rance has got a mob gathered. Oh, that explains the torches. You can't have a mob without torches, even if the point of the mob is to have somebody to give a big speech to about the evil whore who won't give you your baby. Which he does. He gives a rambling, incomprehensible speech about how those whores have no respect for decency or their role in Rance's crazy world and are holding his child hostage. The crowd murmurs assent. He goes off on his misogynistic rant about what role women are supposed to play for men. And to prove it, Rance orders the traitor whore to get on her knees and give him a blowjob. In front of the mob. The other men shout their support, because -- hey! Free live porn!
Act break. It's morning when we return. Mal is sleeping to Nandi. Nandi awakens and smiles for some reason. Then we cut out to the hall, as Mal leaves while getting dressed. So of course he runs into Inara in the hallway. And of course there's a lot of stammering and stuttering, and Mal tries to pretend that they didn't have sex, while Inara insists that it's a good thing that Mal had sex with Nandi, because Nandi's a friend and deserves to be comforted in this time of crisis. As Mal continues to stammer, Inara says, "One of the advantages of not being puritanical about sex is not feeling embarrassed afterward. You should look into that." Oh, please. Don't expect me to believe that Inara hasn't ever had to experience the walk of shame. It has nothing to do with Puritanism and everything to do with having low standards. Mal says he didn't want Inara to think he was taking advantage of Nandi. Inara doesn't see a problem. Mal says he's glad Inara is okay, than corrects himself to wonder why Inara wouldn't be okay, because, you know, they're totally not interested in each other or anything. Inara says she's not entirely okay: "I'm a little appalled at her taste."
Elsewhere, Jayne and his temporary girlfriend stir in bed together. They're both clothed for some bizarre reason. You'd think be the ones down with the nekkidness. Jayne rolls over and hugs his girlfriend, while at the same time clutching a gun he was also apparently sleeping with. I don't think it's Vera. And remember, kids: If you're going to incorporate a gun into your sex with a whore, remember to make sure the safety's on! This has been a TWoP service announcement.
Elsewhere, Inara sits on the floor in a bedroom and cries. She insisted to Mal that she wasn't interested in him, demanded they keep their relationship professional, insulted his work, called him names, and turned up her nose at him at every opportunity. And then he went and slept with somebody else. Where did it all go wrong?
Everybody begins final preparations for the big confrontation. Mal checks in with Wash and Kaylee, walking around outside, to see if Wash is prepared to create some sort of distraction with Serenity He is. Kaylee makes some comment about Mal acting "funny" at breakfast. Funny "ha ha" or funny "woo-hoooooo"?
Inside the house, the whores all load their guns. Mal reminds them all to aim for the men, not the horses, because spooked horses will help keep the bandits distracted more than dead ones. Then they're all distracted by the sound of Jayne and his new best friend getting naughty audibly over the communicator. Mal puts an end to it, the killjoy. We see Jayne briefly playing with the woman's foot before he starts getting his guns ready. He's clearly in an upper story room in order to take on a sniper role.
Elsewhere, Petaline is still screaming as little Rance Jr. continues to force his way out. Inara is back comforting her. Nandi comes in and asks how things are going. Simon says it won't be long. As Rance's blood, it has a great sense of drama, and will most certainly be born in the middle of a gun battle. Nandi and Inara give each other looks, and Nandi seems to recognize Inara's situation. She puts a hand on Inara's shoulder and apologizes. She starts to explain that she didn't realize that Inara had feelings for Mal, but Inara cuts her off, because nobody is actually allowed to say that for another season or so, and insists she's fine.
And here come the thundering hordes of Dittoheads. Armed men on horseback pound across the desert. It looks as though a stationary gun has been installed on the hovercraft as well.
Back inside the house, Nandi heads over to Mal, who tells her he'd like her on the balcony, where they can get good shots at the intruders. Nandi confronts him over Inara, saying she didn't realize Inara had feelings for him as well. Mal lies that he doesn't understand what Nandi's talking about. Fortunately for the UST, the forward motion of this unending subplot is halted when Jayne comms him to warn of some "imminent violence" on the way.
We get another shot of the men thundering toward Heart of Gold, as Zoe and Jayne fill Mal in on the details of the number of men and weapons. Mal realizes they've lost the element of surprise, somehow, but he and Nandi are committed to seeing it through. Nandi tells the others that if somebody gets shot, pull him or her back away from the line, but then go back to the front to shoot back. She gives Mal an I Know I'm Going To Die In Order To Serve The UST, But That's Okay look.
Kaylee and Wash head into Serenity's cargo bay. Mal warns them through the comms that men are coming and he's going to need the distraction soon, but then Kaylee notices that some men have somehow snuck onto the ship and are on the catwalk. They start shooting, but Kaylee pulls Wash out of the line of fire. Doesn't this ship have locks or anything? They cower as men shoot at them.
The He-Man Woman-Haters' Club continues to ride. Zoe's traps spring up -- tripwires set at neck level -- and several men are knocked off horseback. Then Rance, piloting the hovercraft, orders his gunman to kick off the festivities. He starts shooting at the house. Windows shatter, and people cower on the floor. Mal comms Jayne about their first big problem. Jayne takes the guy out with a single shot. And then he takes Rance out . The end. Oops, no. That would make sense. Both sides start trading fire. The traitor whore, who inexplicably came back to the house knowing full well that there would be a big gun battle the day, scurries back out of the house as the fighting gets tough. She's not very smart, that traitor whore. A boy whore and a girl whore fall in battle. Book's gonna have some 'splainin' to do.
Back on the ship, Wash and Kaylee are still pinned down. Wash provides some cover fire for Kaylee so she can scurry down a hallway. Then he scurries off after her.
The gunfight continues. Rance pulls out his laser gun and starts cutting through the house. Although the show insisted on accuracy with the "no noise in space" thing, they went ahead and gave the laser gun big red beams. I think it would have been hysterical if they had the laser be too thin to see like it would probably actually be, and just show us pieces of the wall spontaneously get cut in half. For some reason, Mal tells Zoe and Book about Rance's laser beam being the second hurdle instead of asking for Jayne to take him out. Book uses a water hose to put out the fires started by the laser, while Zoe continues to shoot whoever she can get a sight on.
Rance Jr. continues to be born. I don't think you're going to have to slap this baby to get him to start crying if all the gunplay is still going on once he's out.
Outside, men on horseback, everywhere. Zoe shoots some. Book knocks one off the horse with water from the hose. It looks like the house is winning. Inside, Mal tells Jayne through comms that he lost visuals on Rance. Yes, that's why you should have had Jayne take him out in the -- oh, never mind. Jayne doesn't know where he is either. Another whore gets shot in the shoulder.
Out of their view, Rance parks right at the back door of house. I don't know exactly why this is out of their view. I mean, didn't they think that they should defend the -- oh, never mind. Why should anything start making sense now? The traitor whore is back there waiting for Rance and waves him inside.
Back on Serenity, the three intruders are wandering through the kitchen area, looking for Wash and Kaylee. Suddenly, Wash pops out of a corridor and waves his arms in a ridiculously obvious distraction, but the men fall for it and chase him down the hall. He ends up in the engine room, and quickly seals the door behind him. Meanwhile, Kaylee has been hiding under a chair in the kitchen, and jumps out and closes the door to the corridor, sealing the three men in there. Wash rejoices at having locked down the men before realizing that he also trapped himself in the engine room, preventing him from actually piloting the ship. Oops.
Rance Jr. has been born. Yay! The spawn of a hooker and an evil right-wing nut. Celebrate! Not to be shown up by his son's sense of dramatic flair, this is the exact point where Rance forces his way into the room, points his laser gun at them all, and asks how his boy's doing. The tense music supports the Rances' sense of drama.
Act break. We return to the gun battle with Nandi and Mal versus the remaining men. Suddenly, Nandi hears Petaline screaming, drops her rifle, and goes scurrying down a hall. She rounds a corner to see Rance backing out of the birthing room, holding little Rance Jr. What, Simon didn't try to jump on him, like he does with most of the villains? Good thing Rance didn't try to kidnap River. Nandi confronts Rance in the hallway, warning him that most of his men are already dead. She tells him he's not getting out with the baby. Rance insists that he is, and declares, "This is my blood." But then Inara sneaks up behind him and holds a knife to his throat. She says, "No, this is your blood. Now you hand him over nice and slow, or I'll spill more than you can spare." One of the other hookers takes the baby from Rance. But the tide turns again a few seconds later -- Rance elbows Inara over, freeing himself, and then he shoots Nandi in the chest with the laser gun and runs off. Inara rushes over to Nandi's side. Seconds later, Mal bursts into the room and sees the results of the sci-fi captain's curse. Poor Nandi is dead. Sleeping with a non-cast-member is against the rules. It defies the UST. Nandi had to die. The two of them stare at her. Inara holds back tears. Mal sets his jaw, gives Inara a Somebody Is Going To Die look, and stomps out.
Okay, now the music truly sounds like it's coming from an episode of The A-Team. It's that synthesized orchestra thing with a driving percussion beat. Mal storms out of the house as Rance zooms off in the hovercar. He confronts a man on horseback outside. There's even a cheesy action shot of Mal rolling to avoid getting shot by the man. Then Mal shoots the guy, grabs the horse he falls off of, and goes racing after Rance. I guess hovercrafts are built for looking fancy, but not for going so fast. The horse catches up relatively easily. Rance shoots at Mal, but after a few shots, the batteries run out. There's even a "check battery" warning light on the side of the gun. Goofy, but heh. Mal is able to jump onto the hovercar and push Rance off, knocking them both on the ground. Surprisingly, there are no fisticuffs, which I always expect here. Instead Mal just grabs Rance, puts a gun to his head, and tells him he's going to pay for what he's done. Rance insists that Nandi (or possibly Petaline) was "just a whore." Mal sneers and cold-cocks Rance into unconsciousness.
Mal returns Rance back to the house. He, along with all the other surviving misogynists, are lined up on their knees in front of the house, though this does not mean they will be faced with some sort of "ironic" punishment for their treatment of women or anything. Rance is unrepentant to the point of delusion, and continues to order Petaline to bring his son out to him. Petaline comes out of the house, the baby swaddled in clothes. She introduces the baby to Rance as "Jonah." She says, "Jonah, say hi to your daddy." Then she pulls out a gun and shoots Rance right in the head. Thump. "Say goodbye to your daddy, Jonah." Awwww…baby's first permanent psychological scar. Petaline orders the other men to go home. Then she points her gun at the traitor whore and insists that she go with them. I guess inexplicably figuring out which whores have done you wrong is one of those "new mom" skills.
Presumably a day later or so, Nandi is laid to rest. One of the hookers sings "Amazing Grace" as people, including the crew, frown at her body and hold flowers and express typical funereal behaviors.
A nice CGI shows Serenity taking off from the planet. Mal and Inara stand around on the catwalks, looking melancholy. Mal seems to think that the women will do all right now that Rance is gone. Unknown to him, the Widow Burgess has taken all that technology Rance had allegedly hoarded and used it to wipe Heart of Gold off the face of the moon within an hour after Serenity left. Well, no, but if she's such a stone-cold bitch, she really should have. Inara insists that she's glad Mal was "with" Nandi, seeing as how it turned out to be her last night alive and all. Mal says he wishes he hadn't met her, because then he wouldn't have failed her. Yeah, she'd probably still be dead, but at least Mal wouldn't have felt guilty about it or anything. Because it's all about how Mal feels. Inara falls for Mal's desperate fishing for affirmation and insists it wasn't his fault. But Mal won't hear it. Inara again insists that she's glad the two of them were together. Mal wonders if this means that she really wasn't glad the first time she heard it.
Mal wanders over to Inara and -- what's this? Could the UST finally be developing into something real? He tells her he's "feeling kinda truthsome" and thinks that life's too short and it looks like he's about to tell her something interesting. Perhaps -- that he likes her? Inara cuts him off to blather away about how she learned from Nandi the importance of love and family and blah blah blah blah. She says that when you build a strong tie in this family you make, it becomes tough to break away. Could it be that Inara's going to say something interesting? Perhaps -- that she likes him? She says, "There's something I should have done a long while ago." Tell Mal how you feel? "And I'm sorry for the both of us that it took me this long." She's finally going to tell him how she feels! It's about freaking time! "I'm leaving." Wha-- ? D'oh. And the UST stays in the picture. Or it would have, if the show hadn't been cancelled.
And on that terribly predictable cliffhanger, we're done yet again. I hope you enjoyed this brief trip out of Permanent Hiatus land. Now, back you go. We've got a whole new season of television to rip to shreds.