War Stories

Big, huge megaprops to Demian and mrsdalgleish for helping out while I was tripping the light fantastic in Las Vegas. Actually, I was mostly tripping over people on street corners who were trying to make me take flyers for hookers. And shout-out to Couch Baron for being such a great roommate. And to Strega, Ace, Sep, Keckler, and Sobell for being such fun dinner companions. The geek table rules! And to everybody else, of course. Shout-out to everybody! Yay, everybody!

We open with a violent content warning. Yay, violence! Wait -- there's always violence on this show. How come there was no warning when the Dishwashers of Doom made that one guy's brain run out of his nose?

The intro narration is gone, finally. That's good, because I was running out of funny things to say about it. But we do get a previously montage. Previously on Firefly: Simon led the crew in a hospital raid to steal medicine and find out what's wrong with River; Niska hired the crew to steal other medicine for him, but since Niska was actually a very bad guy, as opposed to having some ambiguously elastic set of morals like our antiheroes, Mal decided to give the drugs back instead; this sudden reversal wasn't received well, and Mal kicked Niska's Space Conan minion into a turbine; Niska was cartoonishly menacing and had a ridiculous accent.

We open with Simon looking over River's brain scans on a monitor in the infirmary. Simon has chosen the sweater over the vest again. Book happens to be standing behind him, seeding the sky so as to create the rain of anvils that will be crashing around us all episode. To wit, he asks Simon if he's ever heard of the works of Shan Yu. Simon exposits that Shan Yu was a psychotic dictator. This guy was apparently some sort of cross between Sun Tzu, Nietzsche, and the Marquis de Sade. Book blathers on about how Shan Yu fancied himself as some sort of poet of war and torture. Simon says, "That's nice," in that tone of voice that means, "I don't care." Book goes on about Shan Yu's The Art of Bore or whatever, where he said, "Live with a man [for] forty years. Share his house, his meals; speak on every subject. Then tie him up and hold him over the volcano's edge, and on that day, you will finally meet the man." Was that a reference to torture and interrogations, or just advice on spicing up a tired marriage? Simon snarks, "What if you don't live near a volcano?" Book says, "I suspect he was being poetical [sic]." Yeah, I think Simon got that. He was being sarcastical. Simon observes, "Sadistic crap legitimized by florid prose." Was that a West Wing shout-out? He asks Book if he's a fan of this freak. Book says that he wonders if the people who experimented on River might have been fans. Plus, he has to set up the Shan Yu callbacks throughout the episode. Simon says that the government did these experiments to River. Book points out, "A government is made up of people, usually notably ungoverned." Simon snarks that Book's quoting the captain. Simon can't possibly still be supporting the Alliance after what he's found out, is he? Oh, that was just exposition reminding us that Mal hates the gub'ment. Book explains further that he wonders if the people who experimented on River just to see how much she could take and to "truly meet her." No, it doesn't make any sense. If you truly want to get to know who a person really is, go in and cut out parts of her brain? This extended metaphor is rather weak, and it doesn't get much better. Simon, like me, disagrees with Book, and says his research indicates that they were trying to accomplish something specific. He adds that if they were just hurting River to see what she'd do, they wouldn't keep chasing after her.

Book facilitates more exposition by asking if River has improved at all. Simon explains that he's still trying out several medicines. She's sleeping better, but she's not stable yet. He adds that they've got plenty of drugs to sort through now. Book says, with a bit of disdain in his voice, that he understands that Simon is now a "criminal mastermind" and asks him if he's got his "heist" planned. Simon responds, "Yeah, that's right, 'preacher,' because I needed to find out how my government tortured my sister and forced me to have to turn to illegal measures in order to survive and save her life. Did I mention that I nearly killed a guy with my hands cuffed behind my back? So unless you'd like to feel a knee pressing against your carotid artery, you can very well shut up." Okay, Simon would never say something like that, but he's probably thinking it. Instead, Simon snarks, "No, but I'm thinking about growing a big, black mustache. I'm a traditionalist." Wow, so many places to go with that line. Wait until you're forty, Simon, then you could probably pull off that look. And by then you'll probably be an overt butch top, rather than the somewhat prissy dom in training you are now. Just some advice.

We cut to an exterior shot of Serenity, flying around some red planet. Then there are some weird high-speed zoom cuts around the planet, stopping briefly to show us an asteroid belt for some inexplicable reason, before finally coming to a dizzying halt at an orbiting space station. Vaguely sinister Eastern European music begins to play, and even if I hadn't read the episode listings, I'd know exactly where this was going, so my eyes are already on standby to proceed with the rolling.

We cut inside a dusty room on the station, where a man is tied up and getting whipped by a strapping young skinhead. A Real Player clip of this lashing is going to show up on a gay skinhead BDSM Yahoo Group. Standing to the skinhead, watching, is Niska. Niska orders the skinhead to stop so that he can Boris Badenov some exposition about why this guy's being tortured. He vas skeeeming frrrom prrrrotection fund. If Niska's the most nefarious crime lord in the hinterplanets, then why would his minions be so stupid? Niska takes a fancy knife from the skinhead and anvils to us, "Now veee get to the real questions, about who you trrruly are." Fortunately for Niska's idiot minion, they're interrupted by another skinhead (this one's black, so it's not a racial thing), with some news. Niska gets angry, but the skinhead explains that long-range scanners have picked up a ship that they think may be Serenity. Niska is excited at this news. He orders the skinhead to put together a team of men to bring Mal to him. Sadly for Idiot Minion, this hasn't distracted Niska from the interrogation at hand. Niska approaches the bleeding man and slashes his torso with the knife. For some reason, the knife sounds like it's striking metal when it stabs him. In case you just don't get it, Niska takes us out of the prologue by asking Idiot Minion if he's familiar with the works of Shan Yu.

Credits. You can't take the lye from me. I need it to scrub out my brain after this commercial for Joe Millionaire. Are we supposed to allow the show and this Joe Millionaire guy to seize the moral high ground over these alleged gold diggers after they lied about who he is? Even if I really did like the guy and didn't care about his money, I wouldn't have anything to do with him once I found out about the deception. Like I would ever be with somebody who felt the need to "test" my virtue. And why are they using the theme from Hook in the commercial? And why am I even caring about a show that praises its own repulsiveness in its promo?

When we return from commercials, Kaylee is chasing River through the cargo bay. They're both giggling. I guess one of the side effects of River's treatment is that it turns her into a seven-year-old. I mean, it's cute and all, but it's not entirely age-appropriate play for these two. It again makes me wonder if River had emotional development problems even before the experimentation. On a stairwell landing overlooking the bay, Mal and Inara are having an argument about some client who wants to meet with her. Inara explains that the councilor is an important political figure and a very private person. Mal understands this and exposits that this is why he wants to meet with Inara on the ship rather than having her come visit him. See, I have to emphasize the pronouns Mal is using, because this is how they're setting up the "surprising twist" that the councilor is (spoiler!) a woman. Why Inara doesn't simply say that the councilor is actually a she is obviously due to the fact that it would deny us the ridiculous responses we're going to get when the crew finally sees her. Mal asks if the ship is too dirty for him or something. Inara explains that she just wants to make sure that the councilor is totally "comfortable." She wants to see to it that they get complete privacy.

River and Kaylee continue to run around the cargo bay. Mal looks down at them and observes, "Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots. SHUT UP!" Heh. Mal tells Inara that nobody's going to board the ship without him meeting him first. He jokes that Inara shouldn't worry about him starting another swordfight. Inara says she'd appreciate it if he made sure the rest of the crew doesn't "ogle" the client. Of course, Mal doesn't even wonder why she's afraid this would happen. River and Kaylee run up the stairs and past the two of them. Mal shouts after them that somebody's going to fall and die and he's not going to clean up the mess. Kaylee says that River stole her apple. Inara points out that Jayne bought them all a whole crate of apples. Apples? I was going make some comment about how that seems a rather strange gesture for Jayne if he's secretly trying to make amends of some sort for his betrayal, but Jayne is pretty much all about food, violence, and sex (if he's lucky), so giving them apples is probably a big gesture for him. Kaylee finally catches up to River in the dining area. She snatches the apple away from River, who sits on a chair, gasping and spent. I'm sure some dirty-minded people could find some sort of lesbian subtext in this scene, but those people should be ashamed of themselves. They're just girls playing around! Does everything have to be about sex? Oh, I'm just kidding. Everything in this episode very nearly is about sex. Kaylee holds up the apple triumphantly and declares, "No power in the 'verse can stop me!" Really? Let me introduce you to Ms. Gail Berman.

At the large table in the dining nook, Wash and Zoe munch on their own apples. They're both surprised and a bit worried by Jayne's sudden bout of generosity. So I guess that Mal is keeping Jayne's betrayal between the two of them. For now. Kaylee notes that Zoe and Mal always cut their apples up before eating them. Apparently, they do this with all fresh fruit. As Jayne heads into the room from a nearby corridor, Zoe asks Kaylee if she knows what a "Grizwald" is. She doesn't. Jayne shoots out from the corridor as he walks in that it's a type of grenade. He's correct. Zoe exposits that it's a grenade the size of a battery that responds to pressure. She tells them all a war story, so that the episode title makes sense. During the war, her platoon was stuck in a trench for more than a week, ten yards away from a group of Alliance soldiers. The two sides ended up talking and joking with each other across the distance, because they were all out of ammo and had no orders. They mentioned to the Alliance soldiers that they had run out of rations. Within minutes, apples started raining into the trenches. Wash suddenly interrupts the story here to joke about the apples growing into a magical tree that led to a land with unicorns and harps and such. I'm assuming that this is to telegraph his discomfort with Zoe's stories. Jayne then startles Wash by impaling an apple in the bowl to him with a knife. Kaylee, less oblivious about violence than usual, realizes that people got killed when they ate the apples. Zoe says that Mal warned them against eating them, but some guys were too hungry, and well, they're not hungry anymore. Wash points out that these apples are healthy, non-explosive apples. Jayne snarks, "Yeah, grenades cost extra." But isn't it sometimes worth the extra expense?

Mal wanders in to grab an apple and tell them all that they're twenty thousand miles from their final drug drop. They've made scads of dough from Simon's scheme. Wash mutters to Zoe that they could have made even more. Mal turns to Wash and tells him that some idea he had was good, but explains that "eliminating the middleman" can be a risky proposition. I don't know what this idea was yet, but I'm already sure that any plan that involves Mal trying to sell drugs directly to the sick people would be doomed to fail. One cough and he'd be giving them away by the case.