Big, huge megaprops to Demian and mrsdalgleish for helping out while I was tripping the light fantastic in Las Vegas. Actually, I was mostly tripping over people on street corners who were trying to make me take flyers for hookers. And shout-out to Couch Baron for being such a great roommate. And to Strega, Ace, Sep, Keckler, and Sobell for being such fun dinner companions. The geek table rules! And to everybody else, of course. Shout-out to everybody! Yay, everybody!
We open with a violent content warning. Yay, violence! Wait -- there's always violence on this show. How come there was no warning when the Dishwashers of Doom made that one guy's brain run out of his nose?
The intro narration is gone, finally. That's good, because I was running out of funny things to say about it. But we do get a previously montage. Previously on Firefly: Simon led the crew in a hospital raid to steal medicine and find out what's wrong with River; Niska hired the crew to steal other medicine for him, but since Niska was actually a very bad guy, as opposed to having some ambiguously elastic set of morals like our antiheroes, Mal decided to give the drugs back instead; this sudden reversal wasn't received well, and Mal kicked Niska's Space Conan minion into a turbine; Niska was cartoonishly menacing and had a ridiculous accent.
We open with Simon looking over River's brain scans on a monitor in the infirmary. Simon has chosen the sweater over the vest again. Book happens to be standing behind him, seeding the sky so as to create the rain of anvils that will be crashing around us all episode. To wit, he asks Simon if he's ever heard of the works of Shan Yu. Simon exposits that Shan Yu was a psychotic dictator. This guy was apparently some sort of cross between Sun Tzu, Nietzsche, and the Marquis de Sade. Book blathers on about how Shan Yu fancied himself as some sort of poet of war and torture. Simon says, "That's nice," in that tone of voice that means, "I don't care." Book goes on about Shan Yu's The Art of Bore or whatever, where he said, "Live with a man [for] forty years. Share his house, his meals; speak on every subject. Then tie him up and hold him over the volcano's edge, and on that day, you will finally meet the man." Was that a reference to torture and interrogations, or just advice on spicing up a tired marriage? Simon snarks, "What if you don't live near a volcano?" Book says, "I suspect he was being poetical [sic]." Yeah, I think Simon got that. He was being sarcastical. Simon observes, "Sadistic crap legitimized by florid prose." Was that a West Wing shout-out? He asks Book if he's a fan of this freak. Book says that he wonders if the people who experimented on River might have been fans. Plus, he has to set up the Shan Yu callbacks throughout the episode. Simon says that the government did these experiments to River. Book points out, "A government is made up of people, usually notably ungoverned." Simon snarks that Book's quoting the captain. Simon can't possibly still be supporting the Alliance after what he's found out, is he? Oh, that was just exposition reminding us that Mal hates the gub'ment. Book explains further that he wonders if the people who experimented on River just to see how much she could take and to "truly meet her." No, it doesn't make any sense. If you truly want to get to know who a person really is, go in and cut out parts of her brain? This extended metaphor is rather weak, and it doesn't get much better. Simon, like me, disagrees with Book, and says his research indicates that they were trying to accomplish something specific. He adds that if they were just hurting River to see what she'd do, they wouldn't keep chasing after her.
Book facilitates more exposition by asking if River has improved at all. Simon explains that he's still trying out several medicines. She's sleeping better, but she's not stable yet. He adds that they've got plenty of drugs to sort through now. Book says, with a bit of disdain in his voice, that he understands that Simon is now a "criminal mastermind" and asks him if he's got his "heist" planned. Simon responds, "Yeah, that's right, 'preacher,' because I needed to find out how my government tortured my sister and forced me to have to turn to illegal measures in order to survive and save her life. Did I mention that I nearly killed a guy with my hands cuffed behind my back? So unless you'd like to feel a knee pressing against your carotid artery, you can very well shut up." Okay, Simon would never say something like that, but he's probably thinking it. Instead, Simon snarks, "No, but I'm thinking about growing a big, black mustache. I'm a traditionalist." Wow, so many places to go with that line. Wait until you're forty, Simon, then you could probably pull off that look. And by then you'll probably be an overt butch top, rather than the somewhat prissy dom in training you are now. Just some advice.
We cut to an exterior shot of Serenity, flying around some red planet. Then there are some weird high-speed zoom cuts around the planet, stopping briefly to show us an asteroid belt for some inexplicable reason, before finally coming to a dizzying halt at an orbiting space station. Vaguely sinister Eastern European music begins to play, and even if I hadn't read the episode listings, I'd know exactly where this was going, so my eyes are already on standby to proceed with the rolling.
We cut inside a dusty room on the station, where a man is tied up and getting whipped by a strapping young skinhead. A Real Player clip of this lashing is going to show up on a gay skinhead BDSM Yahoo Group. Standing to the skinhead, watching, is Niska. Niska orders the skinhead to stop so that he can Boris Badenov some exposition about why this guy's being tortured. He vas skeeeming frrrom prrrrotection fund. If Niska's the most nefarious crime lord in the hinterplanets, then why would his minions be so stupid? Niska takes a fancy knife from the skinhead and anvils to us, "Now veee get to the real questions, about who you trrruly are." Fortunately for Niska's idiot minion, they're interrupted by another skinhead (this one's black, so it's not a racial thing), with some news. Niska gets angry, but the skinhead explains that long-range scanners have picked up a ship that they think may be Serenity. Niska is excited at this news. He orders the skinhead to put together a team of men to bring Mal to him. Sadly for Idiot Minion, this hasn't distracted Niska from the interrogation at hand. Niska approaches the bleeding man and slashes his torso with the knife. For some reason, the knife sounds like it's striking metal when it stabs him. In case you just don't get it, Niska takes us out of the prologue by asking Idiot Minion if he's familiar with the works of Shan Yu.
Credits. You can't take the lye from me. I need it to scrub out my brain after this commercial for Joe Millionaire. Are we supposed to allow the show and this Joe Millionaire guy to seize the moral high ground over these alleged gold diggers after they lied about who he is? Even if I really did like the guy and didn't care about his money, I wouldn't have anything to do with him once I found out about the deception. Like I would ever be with somebody who felt the need to "test" my virtue. And why are they using the theme from Hook in the commercial? And why am I even caring about a show that praises its own repulsiveness in its promo?
When we return from commercials, Kaylee is chasing River through the cargo bay. They're both giggling. I guess one of the side effects of River's treatment is that it turns her into a seven-year-old. I mean, it's cute and all, but it's not entirely age-appropriate play for these two. It again makes me wonder if River had emotional development problems even before the experimentation. On a stairwell landing overlooking the bay, Mal and Inara are having an argument about some client who wants to meet with her. Inara explains that the councilor is an important political figure and a very private person. Mal understands this and exposits that this is why he wants to meet with Inara on the ship rather than having her come visit him. See, I have to emphasize the pronouns Mal is using, because this is how they're setting up the "surprising twist" that the councilor is (spoiler!) a woman. Why Inara doesn't simply say that the councilor is actually a she is obviously due to the fact that it would deny us the ridiculous responses we're going to get when the crew finally sees her. Mal asks if the ship is too dirty for him or something. Inara explains that she just wants to make sure that the councilor is totally "comfortable." She wants to see to it that they get complete privacy.
River and Kaylee continue to run around the cargo bay. Mal looks down at them and observes, "Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots. SHUT UP!" Heh. Mal tells Inara that nobody's going to board the ship without him meeting him first. He jokes that Inara shouldn't worry about him starting another swordfight. Inara says she'd appreciate it if he made sure the rest of the crew doesn't "ogle" the client. Of course, Mal doesn't even wonder why she's afraid this would happen. River and Kaylee run up the stairs and past the two of them. Mal shouts after them that somebody's going to fall and die and he's not going to clean up the mess. Kaylee says that River stole her apple. Inara points out that Jayne bought them all a whole crate of apples. Apples? I was going make some comment about how that seems a rather strange gesture for Jayne if he's secretly trying to make amends of some sort for his betrayal, but Jayne is pretty much all about food, violence, and sex (if he's lucky), so giving them apples is probably a big gesture for him. Kaylee finally catches up to River in the dining area. She snatches the apple away from River, who sits on a chair, gasping and spent. I'm sure some dirty-minded people could find some sort of lesbian subtext in this scene, but those people should be ashamed of themselves. They're just girls playing around! Does everything have to be about sex? Oh, I'm just kidding. Everything in this episode very nearly is about sex. Kaylee holds up the apple triumphantly and declares, "No power in the 'verse can stop me!" Really? Let me introduce you to Ms. Gail Berman.
At the large table in the dining nook, Wash and Zoe munch on their own apples. They're both surprised and a bit worried by Jayne's sudden bout of generosity. So I guess that Mal is keeping Jayne's betrayal between the two of them. For now. Kaylee notes that Zoe and Mal always cut their apples up before eating them. Apparently, they do this with all fresh fruit. As Jayne heads into the room from a nearby corridor, Zoe asks Kaylee if she knows what a "Grizwald" is. She doesn't. Jayne shoots out from the corridor as he walks in that it's a type of grenade. He's correct. Zoe exposits that it's a grenade the size of a battery that responds to pressure. She tells them all a war story, so that the episode title makes sense. During the war, her platoon was stuck in a trench for more than a week, ten yards away from a group of Alliance soldiers. The two sides ended up talking and joking with each other across the distance, because they were all out of ammo and had no orders. They mentioned to the Alliance soldiers that they had run out of rations. Within minutes, apples started raining into the trenches. Wash suddenly interrupts the story here to joke about the apples growing into a magical tree that led to a land with unicorns and harps and such. I'm assuming that this is to telegraph his discomfort with Zoe's stories. Jayne then startles Wash by impaling an apple in the bowl to him with a knife. Kaylee, less oblivious about violence than usual, realizes that people got killed when they ate the apples. Zoe says that Mal warned them against eating them, but some guys were too hungry, and well, they're not hungry anymore. Wash points out that these apples are healthy, non-explosive apples. Jayne snarks, "Yeah, grenades cost extra." But isn't it sometimes worth the extra expense?
Mal wanders in to grab an apple and tell them all that they're twenty thousand miles from their final drug drop. They've made scads of dough from Simon's scheme. Wash mutters to Zoe that they could have made even more. Mal turns to Wash and tells him that some idea he had was good, but explains that "eliminating the middleman" can be a risky proposition. I don't know what this idea was yet, but I'm already sure that any plan that involves Mal trying to sell drugs directly to the sick people would be doomed to fail. One cough and he'd be giving them away by the case.
We cut to a shot of Serenity landing on a dusty planet, then to Wash, as he starts an argument on the bridge with Zoe. It seems that Wash asked Zoe to tell Mal about his plan, and she told him she never got around to asking. He theorizes that Zoe told Mal about the plan, Mal discounted it out of hand, and Zoe immediately folded and never gave it another thought. Yes, that sounds just like Zoe. And also, why couldn't Wash tell Mal himself? It's not like Mal's the CEO of Daimler-Chrysler, and Wash installs headlights on the production line while staring longingly at the suggestion box. Zoe says that she didn't want to upset Wash with the truth. Wash wants to know what Zoe thought of the plan -- to contact the doctors and sell the drugs directly to them. Oh, that sounds like a great plan. If your plan is to get caught in an Alliance ambush. Rather than saying what she thinks, Zoe responds that Mal is afraid that it will get back to the wrong people and they risk the chance to get caught. See? I was right. Of course, Wash immediately zeroes in on Zoe hiding behind Mal's explanation. Why she does this, I have no idea. It's not like she's afraid to speak her mind in other circumstances. Oh, right -- we need the internal conflict. Wash angrily spits out something in Chinese ("Devil Bunny wants a ham") and points out that he wanted to know what Zoe thought, not Mal. Zoe says that she tends to agree with Mal. Wash spits out, "Tend to or have to?" He goes on some lengthy diatribe about how Mal and Zoe are all buddy-buddy because of the war, and asks her if she could have an opinion of her own. She frowns at him and tells him that he's losing the moral high ground here. Wash snarks back that he's sure that Zoe and Mal will seize it and fortify it blah blah blah warcakes. Zoe's had enough and angrily insists to Wash that she thought the plan was too risky. Wash insists, "Then tell me. I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it. Don't hide behind Mal 'cause you know he'll shoot it down for you." Zoe responds, "Right, because what this marriage needs is one more shouting match." Wash shoots back, "What this marriage needs is one less husband. Right now is kind of crowded." Then he stomps out. What I need is a translation. They've had one poorly written fight on the show thus far. And this will make number two. This conflict would work if Zoe and Wash's relationship were relatively fresh. But they've been together and married for a couple of years. I have a really hard time believing that this is just coming up now. And Zoe hasn't been shown to be coy about her opinions to either Wash or Mal, so this is a personality shift for the sake of conflict, and I hate that with a passion. But still, Alan and Gina did a good job with the acting.
Elsewhere, Simon wanders into his quarters to see River sitting there, looking a little peaked. He rushes over to her and covers her with a blanket, asking her what's wrong. She says she threw up. Simon explains that it's a side effect of the drugs. He asks how she's doing. River rambles on about "going back" and apple bits and chaos, indicating, I think, that she's regressing back to her earlier mental state. Simon points out that she was feeling better earlier. She tells him about playing with Kaylee and says things like "the sun came out" and "[she] heard with [her] own ears" to indicate that she was feeling normal. Well, normal-ish. She starts crying and insists to Simon that she hates it when she "function[s] like [she's] a girl," because she knows it's only temporary and she'll go back to being batshit loopy. She demands, "What am I?" Simon hugs her and responds, "You are my beautiful sister." River says, "I threw up on your bed." Simon repeats, "Yep. Definitely my sister." Awwww. Wait till you see what she did on your vests.
Book reads his -- God, I'm not going to say it. He looks up somewhere off-camera and points out that Inara had requested privacy. We cut to see that he's sitting in a common area, and nearby, Kaylee and Jayne are peeking out into the cargo bay from a catwalk. Kaylee wants to see Inara's client and wonders if he will bring her gifts or flowers. I can imagine Kaylee watching The Bachelor and being all, "I can't believe Aaron didn't pick Gwen! They were perfect for each other!" Jayne is eating an apple, which is still impaled on his knife. Jayne is essentially the walking definition of "lascivious." Ooh, he's human Greebo! Okay, a lot of you aren't going to get that, but those of you who read Terry Pratchett will agree -- Jayne is human Greebo.
A snotty-looking muscleman boards the ship. Kaylee makes note of it, and of course, morally superior Book immediately stops his reading to come spy. Inara and Mal are down in the cargo bay. Mal tries to introduce himself, but the guy totally ignores him and peers about the ship. He's the worst bodyguard ever. He doesn't notice the people on the catwalk or anything. He looks like he's making sure there isn't an entire human skin nailed to the walls, and that's about it. After he decides things are "clear," he speaks into an unseen communicator to tell the councilor to come aboard. Inara turns to the hatch and watches as an elegant middle-aged woman walks aboard. OH MY GOD! The councilor is a girl! GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION! Oh my god! Duuuuuude! Yeah, baby! Oh, I'm sorry. Am I acting like a lurid frat boy? Well, so is this show. Mal looks shocked. Kaylee looks shocked, even though she says she knows Inara has female clients. Book looks shocked. Jayne looks shocked. I look at the ceiling, because my eyes are rolling. I would have had no problem with this subplot at all, even though it's mostly irrelevant, were it not for these ridiculous reactions. It's the fucking future. Inara is a space hooker. This should not be shocking to any of these people. Jesus. Stupid pandering. And why doesn't anybody pander to me? Why can't Jayne and Simon make out for a while and then play Rollercoaster Tycoon? As Inara escorts Councilor Sappho to her shuttle, Jayne mutters, "I'll be in my bunk," and walks off to, uh, clean his gun.
We cut to the other shuttle, where Mal and Zoe are prepping to deliver the last of the medicine. Zoe fiddles with some switches, then asks Mal if River's been playing around in the shuttle. It seems that things have been fiddled with, and the ignition sequence has been changed. Wash enters the shuttle and reveals that he was the one who changed it. Mal, oblivious to the fight, asks Wash to fix it so they can get moving. Wash refuses. He didn't want them taking off in the shuttle without him. In fact, he insists on taking Zoe's place on the mission with Mal. Mal says that's not going to happen. Wash says that it's a dangerous mission, and he "can't stand the thought of something happening that might cause [them] to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure." Zoe looks at Wash like he's an idiot. Which he is. Mal responds, "Okay, um, I'm lost. I'm angry. And I'm armed." But Zoe's okay with letting Wash go this time. Well, she's not "okay" with it as much as she's all, "Fine, go get your ass shot clean off. See if I care." Mal says something lengthy and angry in Chinese ("Earn $5,000 a week from home!"), but allows the switch. He orders Wash to get the shuttle prepped, and sends Zoe back to run things on the ship. After Zoe leaves, Wash asks Mal, "So, are we going to sing Army songs or something?" Mal looks at Wash like he's more than willing to just let Wash eat the exploding apples.
Mal and Wash's shuttle takes off as we flip back to Inara's shuttle of LIVE GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION. Councilor Sappho is lying on her stomach, topless, while Inara gives her a back massage. The Strings Of Blatant Ratings Stunts play in the background. Sappho compliments Inara's massage technique. Inara compliments Sappho's beautiful skin. Sappho tells Inara that she doesn't need to do the typical complimentary shtick -- she just wants to hang out with somebody who isn't demanding anything of her. Inara tells her that most of her clients are men, so that the viewers can fantasize about three-ways with her. She explains that when she does choose a woman as a client, she tends to be "extraordinary in some way." She adds that sometimes she feels the same way as Sappho about the demands, and whines that she can't always be herself in the company of men. Whatever. I'm sure she probably could, but whatever. It just feeds the whole lurid fantasy about how women behave when men aren't around. And yes, I know that a woman wrote this episode. It doesn't change a thing. Sappho agrees with Inara. They both agree to relax and not try to put on a show. Except for the one that they're putting on for us. Sappho tells Inara that she's lovely. She leans in, and they kiss. Woooo! GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION!
Cut to The Shuttle Of Wash Learning A Valuable Lesson. Mal tries to find out what's going on between Wash and Zoe. Wash says he doesn't want to talk about it, but Mal tells him that he only let Wash's stunt slide because this is an easy mission. Mal explains that Zoe is going to be accompanying him on a regular basis, and Wash knows it. What if there's trouble? Wash responds, "I've been in a firefight before? Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity." But he insists that he can handle himself. At this point, I'm looking forward to the torture. I hate how stupid Wash is acting right now. He knows what Zoe does. He's been there. He bragged about it to Matt Fielding in "Bushwhacked." His utter obliviousness about the dangers of Zoe's job in order to serve this plot conflict that came out of nowhere annoys the hell out of me. Mal asks Wash if he understands Zoe's job responsibilities. Wash insists that he'll learn as he goes.
Cut to the desert, where Wash is learning about carrying heavy things by toting the medicine around. They stumble around some rocks and sand, but instead of encountering the first Slayer, they meet up with three burly men, there to buy the drugs from them. Wash opens the container so they can see that the drugs are legit. The men toss Mal the money and praise them for having the balls to steal from an Alliance hospital. Mal pretends that it's no big deal before noticing a red dot dancing on the main guy's forehead. He mutters something in Chinese ("Oh, shit! We're in that crappy Saturday Night Live sketch"), then grabs Wash and falls to the ground as the men are taken down by snipers. Several men come out of their hiding spots and run up to Mal and Wash, wearing full desert camouflage. They train their guns on them. Wash says, "Now I'm learning about scary." Because, you know, he hasn't been scared about anything on this show before.
Commercials. I suspect that many consumers of Axe body spray are going to be terribly disappointed.
When we return, Jayne is spotting Book while he lifts weight in the cargo bay. Simon, dammit! If you're going to pander to me, it has to be Jayne and Simon. Sigh. Inara and Councilor Sappho head down to the cargo bay so that Inara can see her off, causing Jayne to ignore Book and leer at the two women. The women kiss each other goodbye. Jayne stares at them, his imagination running wild, while Book struggles with the barbell. After Sappho leaves, Inara notices Jayne leering and rolls her eyes. Without looking, Jayne pulls the barbell off Book with one hand and mutters, "I'll be in my bunk," and starts to walk off. Suddenly, Zoe heads down the stairs from the catwalk and orders Jayne to grab his weapon. I think that's what he was…oh, she was being literal. Jayne asks what's going on. Zoe says it may be nothing, but Mal and Wash should have been back an hour ago. She wants to take out their ATV to go look for them. Book volunteers to go as well. Zoe responds, "No offense, Shepherd, but I sure as hell hope they don't need a preacher." Book explains that another set of eyes might help them out. Zoe agrees.
We cut immediately to Zoe, Book, and Jayne finding the dead middlemen out in the desert. Book points out that this is the work of sharpshooters. Really? You can tell that from the fact that they all have single gunshot wounds in their foreheads? Well, move over, William Petersen. Book does manage to get beyond the totally obvious by being able to determine the type of gun that shot them. Jayne responds, "You do a lot of shooting at the abbey there, Shepherd?" They're really strict about those vows of silence. Too bad Book didn't take one. Book lies that they shot rabbits for stew. Zoe notices that whoever ambushed them didn't take the drugs. Jayne notes a trail of burned sand. The three of them determine that it's likely from a rocket shuttle from a nearby space station. From this, Zoe is able to determine who has them. And this is something they didn't think about happening before they agreed to this deal? It's Niska's space station. It's not going anywhere. They know where it is. They knew they'd be near it. Idiots.
We cut to the station, where Moose and Squirrel (guess which is which) are pushed into a room, blindfolded, with their hands tied behind their backs, and left there. Direct lighting isn't sinister enough in these situations, so the room is lit through beams of light that shine into the room through holes punched in the walls. Wash smartly observes that they've been kidnapped. He's freaking out, of course, and wanting to know what's going on. He starts bugging Mal for his analysis. Mal says he's "working it through" as he tries to feel around to find something to pull off his bindings. Wash insists that Mal not "spare" him, and to treat him the same way he'd treat Zoe in this situation. He points out that Mal and Zoe would be plotting or scheming some way to get out of this situation, so Wash wants to do whatever Zoe would be doing in this situation. He asks what Zoe would do here. Mal responds, "Probably not talk quite so much." Wash says he can be terse. Once in flight school, he was laconic. Of course, he can't shut up. He insists that if he's not going to talk, then Mal has to talk. Mal tells him they have to stay calm and keep their heads. Wash points out that Mal and Zoe have been in situations like this before. This inspires a lengthy rant about how Mal is always putting Zoe in dangerous situations. Jesus, she was doing this crap before she ever even met you. They wouldn't even be having this argument if the genders of the three of them were reversed, I guarantee it. Shut up, Wash. He goes on to whine that Zoe promised to "love, honor, and obey" him, not Mal. Mal tries to respond, but ends up asking, "She swore to obey?" Wash says that actually she didn't, but points out that she does obey Mal. Mal. Is. Zoe's. Boss. Boss. I obey my boss, too, but that doesn't mean there's something there. I mean, it's not like I'm Daniel or anything. ["I have no idea what that means. None." -- Sars] This fight is so fucking stupid. And Zoe doesn't always obey Mal anyway. Mal says that Zoe trusts him, but doesn't follow his every word. Wash insists that she does. God, bring on the torture. Mal insists that there have been times where Zoe has disobeyed him. When Wash demands one example, Mal shouts out, "She married you!" Ha!
As Wash is gasping at Mal's insult, the door slides open, and the ambiguously evil, ambiguously Eastern European music begins to play. Niska stalks in with his skinhead guards and pulls off Mal's blindfold. Mal mutters something in Chinese. ("Oh, good. We'll be able to escape once Niska chews up all the scenery.") Wash, still blindfolded, demands, "What?"
Back on Serenity, Zoe is taking a collection from everybody on the ship to buy a Hollywood Reporter ad to beg FOX not to cancel the show. And also to offer up a ransom to get Mal and Wash back. Book asks Zoe how she knows Niska won't grab her too when she shows up with the money. Zoe predicts that Niska's twisted code and his obsession with his reputation will cause him to see reason. Inara wonders if reason is something that enters into Niska's mind. After all, when they broke the deal last time, they gave him his money back, so what's his beef? Jayne wanders in to contribute to the fund and suggests that Niska wants revenge for Mal's murder of his pet barbarian. I think Jayne stole Mal's pants. They suddenly look a lot tighter. Not that I'm complaining. First Simon, now Mal. The boys need to lock up their clothes around Jayne. Zoe tells them all that if they don't hear back from her, to take the ship and get out of the quadrant.
Boris is treating Moose and Squirrel to the joys of electro-play, with clamps attached to the chest and such. Mal and Wash act like they're in intense pain. Quit whining, wimps. Some of us have to pay hundreds of dollars to experience this. Niska politely stops the electric shocks every now and then so that the boys can get some dialogue in. What a considerate villain. Mal explains to Wash that he told Zoe not to marry him because of that whole "romance in the workplace" issue. Between shocks, Wash says he thinks Mal has a policy against shipboard relationships because he's projecting his "intimacy issues" on everybody else. I vote that anybody who uses the word "projecting" and "issues" in the same sentence, but doesn't have a legitimate degree in psychology, should be treated the way Wash is right now. Niska seems to agree with me. Suddenly, Mal starts egging Wash on by suggesting that he doesn't think Wash is good enough for Zoe, and implying that he may have slept with her before Wash met her. As this goes on, it becomes increasingly clear that Mal is doing this to Wash to try to keep him distracted from the pain of the torture. Wash insists that he's certain Zoe didn't sleep with Mal. In fact, he theorizes that this whole problem is due to the fact that Zoe wanted to sleep with Mal in the past but never did, and now the whole thing is hanging over them, or some silly nonsense. It's Dumb Excuse #7 that people give for why they cheat on their partners. Wash suggests that it would have been better if Mal had slept with her. Then she'd be over him. Yes, that sounds like the kind of logic you come up with while being tortured. Mal suggests that perhaps he should sleep with Zoe. Wash spits out, "Screw you!" Mal spits back, "Get in line." Clearly he's been to the forums. It's quite a long line. Niska shocks them some more. Wash is losing consciousness, so Mal tries to keep him awake by angrily insisting that he's going to sleep with his wife when he gets back. I don't know why keeping Wash awake would help him. Would Niska continue to electrocute him while he was unconscious? I don't think that would accomplish much.
Zoe's shuttle docks with the space station. She boards and is greeted by several armed skinhead guards in cat burglar outfits. I don't know. Well, it's better than the He-Man extras. There's some sort of unidentified background light that flashes erratically for no apparent reason. Perhaps there's going to be a rave later. She asks them to take her to Niska.
As Zoe is escorted through the station, we get a look at some sort of deep central well full of high-tech stuff moving around. You know, one of those vast, bottomless chasms that are part of any self-respecting space station. Eventually she's escorted into Niska's chamber of sadomasochism. Moose and Squirrel are barely conscious. Wash mutters at Zoe to run, but she ignores him. She tells Niska that the bag contains five times the money he had agreed to pay them for the train job. She says that it should be more than enough to "buy back [her] men." Niska points out that they're a bit damaged now. Are they really worth that much? Zoe insists that they are. Niska Badenovs that they're worth even more to him. He says that this isn't enough money for both of them. It is, however, enough for one. He starts to give some long-winded, scenery-chewing villain speech about Zoe's heartbreaking choice, but Zoe immediately interrupts him to point to Wash and say, "Him." She adds, "I'm sorry. You were going to ask me to choose, right? You wanna finish?"
Commercials. When we return, Wash is released from bondage and falls to the floor. Zoe supports his weight and helps him walk out of the chamber. He mutters about Mal, but Zoe shushes him and tells him to keep walking. We see a shot of Mal, still in bondage. He shakes his head "no" at Wash. As Zoe and Wash are heading up the stairs to leave, Niska stops them. He tells Zoe that she gave him a little too much money and deserves a little bit of a "refund." He mutters something to a skinhead, who takes a huge knife and lops off Mal's left earlobe. Ouch. That's gotta sting. I imagine that's the reason for the violence warning, but it happened so fast that it wasn't really gory or anything. Just shocking. Niska politely wraps the ear in a handkerchief and gives it to Zoe. She tucks it away and continues escorting Wash off the station. Mal's screams echo in the background, and the rave lights continue to pulse artfully as Wash and Zoe leave him behind.
On the shuttle, Wash collapses to the floor; Zoe comforts him. He says, "He's insane." Zoe assumes that Wash is talking about Niska, but Wash really means Mal. He explains that Mal refused to break and kept Wash from breaking as well. He says he wouldn't have survived if Mal hadn't been there. He points out that Niska's going to kill Mal. Zoe says that Niska will make the pain last for days before Mal dies. Wash unsteadily makes it to his feet and insists that Niska isn't going to get those days as he makes his way to the pilot's chair to direct the shuttle back to Serenity. I see somebody's been taking "butch in a crisis" lessons from Simon.
They return to the ship, and everybody gathers around for the 411. Zoe recaps the torture and hands the earlobe over to Simon to keep on ice. In a Blair Witch Project moment, Simon unfolds the hankie, and Kaylee and Inara recoil at the sight of the ear. Jayne says something lengthy in Chinese. ("Does this mean we have to go running through the woods?") Zoe insists that they're going to get Mal back. Jayne snarks, "What are you gonna do, clone him?" Simon looks over the cut and determines that the ear can be attached with the right equipment.
Back to Moose, sans Squirrel. Niska asks if Mal's familiar with the works of Shan Yu, just in case you had forgotten about tonight's theme. I know that with all the lesbianism and BDSM, you might have concluded that tonight's episode is about things Jerry Falwell hates, but that's not it. It's about how a crisis determines a man's real character. Yeah, I know it sounds like something oily stockbrokers say. I didn't come up with the theme. Anyway, Niska blathers about how he's learning who Mal really is, and points out that Mal is a rather extraordinary man. But, he adds, this is not a time for extraordinary men: "Theees eees beeezneeess, not vore. Heroics are unseeeemly. Zey complicate things." For Mal, Niska pulls out a special torture toy. I always save mine for the right guy, too. It's some sort of suction cup Princess Bride torture thing. He caresses the toy and describes it as "very precious." Mal responds, "And they say people don't look like their pets." What the hell does that mean? First of all, people are always saying that people do look like their pets. Second of all, what? I suppose I shouldn't be expecting much in the way of snappy comebacks from a torture victim who just had his ear cut off. Niska anvils another "meeting the real you" comment as a skinhead attaches the suction cup to the center of Mal's chest. Three needles pop out of the sides and connect to Mal's chest, and he starts to scream as the blood vessels in his chest start to pulse. Icky. Of course, we have no idea what it's doing or anything. Perhaps it's filling his blood vessels with Pepsi Blue?
Back on Serenity Zoe is teaching Wash how to be a bad-ass mother by loading him up with guns, knives, and grenades. Jayne watches in the background while eating an apple (lasciviously), and warns them both that they're technically committing suicide by trying to mount a "two-man" assault on Badenov's secret headquarters. Wash points out that, technically, it's a man and a woman. Oh, that'll work out fine, then. Zoe insists that the villains won't be expecting an assault. "Right," Jayne agrees, "'cause they ain't insane!" Kaylee comes in to tell them that Inara hasn't had any luck getting any help from Councilor Sappho. They didn't show that part because there was no GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION, so who cares? Kaylee asks what's going on. Zoe explains about the crazy rescue. Kaylee asks Jayne, "Can they do that?" Jayne: "No." Wash repeats that hoary old motto that Dubya adapted to try to convince us he cares about education: "Leave no man behind." Jayne: "Suicide."
Zoe and Wash start heading toward the shuttle, fully armed. She gives him combat advice as they turn the corner to discover Book, Simon, and Kaylee fiddling with guns. They insist that they're helping. Kaylee: "If it was any one of us, the captain wouldn't hesitate." Except for that one time he abandoned River and Simon to the crazy hill people. But then he pulled off a last-minute rescue, so I guess that makes everything okay. Zoe asks Book if there aren't specific rules in the Bible against him killing people. Book responds, "Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps." Okay, then. An eye for an eye; an ear for a kneecap. Zoe starts to respond to them, but then they hear the telltale sound of Vera cocking. They look up and see Jayne standing on a catwalk above them, ready to go. Like he'd miss out on the chance to shoot his gun off. Zoe says, "Let's go get the captain."
Cut to Niska's dungeon. Mal leans against his bonds, apparently unconscious. A skinhead prods him a little bit. Then he tells Niska, "Yup. He's dead." This is what safe words are for, guys. You really should take one of those classes on safe BDSM they have every other Saturday night at the gay community center.
Commercials. When we return, evil Niska denies the show more dramatic tension by immediately reviving Mal with a defibrillator. Mal slowly regains consciousness as Niska tells him that he died. Mal responds, "Seemed like the thing to do." Niska Badenovs that if Mal dies, he can't hurt him anymore, and he wants to hurt Mal for at least two days before he jitters off this mortal coil. Niska blathers on, explaining again how Mal's betrayal hurt his reputation. It's a little too late to explain why you're doing this now. We've figured it out. He nods over to his skinhead, who approaches Mal with a set of pliers.
Back on the bridge of Serenity, Wash spits out a bunch of technobabble to Jayne which essentially means that they're some how disguising themselves so that they show up on the space station monitors as radar static. Basically, they've aimed themselves in the direction of a station airlock, hit the thrusters, then powered everything down. Zoe compares it to throwing a dart at a board six thousand miles away. She praises Wash for his work, and they give each other lovey-dovey looks before preparing to go kill people.
Down in the cargo bay, which is dark due to the power shutdown, the others are prepping for the assault. Book is doing something to the ship's ATV. Zoe and Jayne come down to join them. Kaylee technobabbles that she's rigged something up that will pop open the airlock's doors for them. Simon once again is stuck holding the flashlight as his contribution. Everybody's all prepped. Wash comes down to join them as the lights come back on. Didn't they need those to stay off? Anyway, as they're about to dock, Zoe tells them to shoot anything that moves. Kaylee reminds, "Except the captain." Well, I don't think he's going to be moving so much.
We cut to the ship silently slamming into the docking lock. As planned, the security skinhead doesn't realize that there's a ship approaching until right as it arrives. Kaylee's hacking succeeds in opening the airlock. The guard immediately hits an alarm.
Niska notes the sound of the alarm in his quarters. Mal hears it, too, and breathily quips, "Listen, if you've got guests, I can come back later."
Back at the beachhead, or space-stationhead, or whatever, a set of doors leading to the ship slide open. Several guards show up there with guns. They look for somebody to shoot at, but there's nothing. Then the ATV suddenly zooms out of the cargo bay and crashes into them all and explodes. Book had been rigging it with flammable canisters and such. After those men catch fire, Jayne, Zoe, and Wash run out and start shooting. People get hit and go down. Zoe throws grenades. Naughty skinheads die. Zoe calls out the second team -- that's Book, Simon, and Kaylee. She orders them to hold this position; otherwise, they'll all be trapped. She asks if they understand. Book responds by shooting an approaching guard in the knee. I think they understand. Simon tries to look butch holding his gun, but since River isn't in immediate danger, it doesn't work. Zoe, Jayne, and Wash head down a corridor, shooting guards along the way.
Back in the dungeon, a frustrated Niska heads over to a monitor to find out what's going on. Both he and the skinhead turn their backs on Mal. Niska can't seem to get any response from his guard, who probably can't talk with a giant hole in his lung. Suddenly there's a whirring sound, and the skinhead shrieks. Mal has managed to get to his feet and attach Niska's torture toy to the guy's back. Niska is suddenly a lot less threatening without his guards. I guess he only knows how to use a knife on bound prisoners. Mal backhands Niska, and he goes down. Mal menaces, "I guess business ain't so much runnin' as crawlin' away. You wanna see the real me now?" If it will stop that running theme, please show us the real you. Thanks.
Elsewhere on the station, Jayne gets shot. Ouch. It looks like Simon's going to have plenty of torsos to fondle. It hurts, but it's apparently not a life-threatening wound. Zoe tumbles into a hallway to take the point from Jayne as he recovers and shoots some more guys. They continue down the corridor.
Back at the ship, Book, Kaylee, and Simon continue protecting the docking bay. They're having problems with assaults coming from two different corridors. And it seems that Simon's got the microscopic vision of surgeon, not the telescopic vision of a sniper; he never seems to hit anybody. Kaylee is just standing there in shock, holding her handgun like it's a baggie full of dog poo. Book actually is aiming for their knees, incidentally. From the corridor, Jayne yells for Book to get behind them to provide cover. Book starts heading in their direction, with Simon behind him. Kaylee, unfortunately, is heading in the other direction, back into the ship. Three men come out from a corridor and start shooting in her direction. She hides behind the bulkhead and starts crying and freaking out. Suddenly, out of nowhere, River rushes up to Kaylee and tries to calm her down. She takes Kaylee's gun and spares a glance out into the corridor. She notes the positions of the three guards and ducks back to Kaylee. She mutters to herself, "Can't look, can't look, can't look." Then she suddenly stands at the entrance to the cargo bay with her head facing away and fires three blind shots. Each one takes down a guard. Kaylee looks at River in shock. River says, in a slightly sinister tone, "No power in the 'verse can stop me." Kaylee is unnerved. I think the cameraman is unnerved, too, because he's having problems holding the camera steady.
In the dungeon, Mal starts going after Niska, who is crawling across the floor. This time it's his turn to get ambushed from behind by the skinhead assistant, who, by the by, looks sort of like Colin Farrell when he shaved his head for the Daredevil movie. So, unlike Niska, he's a sexy sort of evil, and it's fun watching these two go at it. So to speak. I'm just saying. I'll be in my bunk. Skinhead tries to strangle Mal, and the two of them wrestle as Niska slowly crawls out of the frame and out of the episode. I suppose one bright side to this show's likely cancellation is that I won't have to endure his nonsense in yet another episode. Mal and Skinhead's wrestling crashes them through a window onto a balcony which overlooks the giant chasm we saw earlier.
Zoe, Mal, and Wash make their way into the torture chamber and see Mal and Skinhead fighting. Skinhead is trying to push Mal into the chasm. Jayne starts to aim his gun at the guy, but Zoe stops him, telling him, "This is something the captain has to do for himself." Mal, however, has had enough character building from Niska and his crew, and shouts back, "No! No it's not!" Zoe responds, "Oh!" and all three of them open fire on skinhead. Funny. Pointless, but funny. Normally, I get annoyed when characters on a show make a big deal out of subverting the viewers' expectations, but this worked. The skinhead falls over the edge of the balcony, suddenly transforming into a CGI rendition of himself just as he hits some machinery and bounces down the hole.
It's time for the conclusion on Serenity. Everybody appears to be dressed differently, and Simon is back in a familiar vest, hanging out in the cargo bay with Inara and Book. Mal walks in and asks Simon if he's sure the ear is going to stay on. Simon assures him that it will, but warns him against jiggling it. I have this image in my head of Mal, Zoe, and Jayne having some sort of tense stand-off with some criminals. Mal delivers one of his quips, and then suddenly his ear falls off. What would the bad guys do -- open fire or start laughing? Mal tells Inara to thank Councilor Sappho, who apparently lent them some ambiguous equipment, including the device that reattached Mal's ear. See, it wasn't exploitive GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION at all! She had a purpose to the plot! She lent them all devices! One of which was actually used! Off-camera! Unlike the lesbian sex, which was on-camera! But that wasn't pandering at all! Inara says that she wishes Mal had managed to kill Niska. God, me too. Mal mentions to Simon and Book that he heard the two of them took up arms on his behalf. He asks Simon how he felt about the shooting. Homoeroticism jokes aside, I do wonder about this connection between Simon and Mal. I feel as though Mal is definitely grooming Simon and feeling him out for something, but I don't know what. Simon responds that he had never shot anybody before. Book snarks, "I was there, son. I'm fairly sure you haven't shot anybody yet." Heh. Okay, Book said something funny. Now shut up, Book. Mal laughs as he limps off.
Mal passes Kaylee, who is sitting on the stairs that lead up to catwalk. He pats her on the shoulder as she passes by. She smiles, but looks a little sad as well, possibly disappointed in herself. Then she looks across the bay and sees River on the catwalk on the other side of the cargo bay. River stares at her, unsmiling. Kaylee's smile drops off her face, and she looks away nervously.
I hate this epilogue. Zoe is actually preparing Wash soup for being such a brave man. He wasn't brave; he was fucking stupid. And nobody seems to be reminding him that he got into this situation because he didn't trust Zoe and behaved like an ass. Mal limps in and asks Wash if he told Zoe the news. What news? Mal tells Zoe, "Your husband has demanded that we sleep together." Zoe responds, "Really?" He explains the whole sexual tension bit that Wash brought up. Wash claims it was the torture talking. But Mal puts a hand on Zoe's hip and puts her hand on his shoulder like they're going to dance, and insists that for everybody's sake they have to get it on. Zoe says she understands, and just as Jayne is wandering into the mess area, Zoe deadpans, "Take me, sir. Take me hard." Jayne says, "Now something about that is downright unsettlin'." Zoe and Mal pretend to lean in for a kiss, but Wash gets up and pulls Zoe away. He declares, "We'll be in our bunk," and escorts Zoe out, slapping her ass as they leave. Jayne looks at Mal in confusion, but then declares, "Oh, hey! Free soup!" and sits down in Wash's chair. Mmmmm…soup. Oh, and Jayne, too.
week: A bounty hunter -- who was apparently trained by NASCAR, if his outfit is any indication -- is stalking somebody on the ship. Oh, and Simon takes his shirt off. Finally pandering to me? It's about damned time.