The party you have called -- "Earth" -- is no longer in service. Information about the Alliance can be found in your phone book's blue pages. For all your black-market needs on the hinterplanets, contact "Mal's Antiheroes," found in the yellow pages under "Suppliers, third-party, vaguely principled."
Previously: The folks of Serenity engaged in some crime, but punked out whenever said crime actually hurt somebody. Well, somebody who was noble yet poor. River was crazy. Jayne was mean to Simon. Simon worried about what the Academy did to River. River muttered about "hands of blue." The Dishwashers of Doom and their blue gloves started asking around for River.
Serenity soars through space as the twang of country music reminds us that it's a space Western, y'all. Actually, unlike episodes, the Western part of the show is in very limited supply tonight. Thank God.
Inside the ship, in the common area, Jayne cleans his gun. We'll pause for a moment of naughty reflection. Aaaand we're done. Kaylee and Inara play cards over at another table. Simon is trying to convince River to…ohmygod, he's not wearing a vest! It's like Bizarro World! What ? Will he kiss a girl? Anyway, Simon, wearing a black pullover, is trying to convince River to eat something that looks like tofu. He tries to convince her that it's good by trying some himself. But it's awful, and he nearly gags. Then he still tries to convince her that it's good. Jayne spits out, "It smells like crotch." And we'll have another pause. A little longer this time? Okay, then. Back?
Wash and Zoe wander in, arguing. Like Simon, Zoe's not in her typical ensemble, instead wearing a loose orange blouse and pants. Wash is trying to convince Zoe to get off the ship and have some fun on some core planet they are approaching. Based on the description (Zoe says they'll get the firing squad for littering), it's obvious that this planet is very much an Alliance stronghold. Zoe doesn't want to set foot on a central planet because of sensors and feds and the black helicopters and the U.N. trying to force them all into work camps, et cetera. Wash asks Inara to try to convince Zoe that there is fun to be had on the planet. Inara says that the planet -- named Ariel -- is a very pretty place with museums and fine restaurants. Wash whines that Inara just made it sound all boring. Wash appeals to Simon to come up with something a little butcher. Good luck there. Simon mentions hiking and swimming in a bioluminescent lake. I'm not sure I'd like that. I think there'd be some creepy, glowing residue afterward. Zoe insists that she's not setting foot on Ariel.
Then Mal comes in to bring everybody down by insisting that nobody's getting to play on Ariel. Awww. No swimming in toxic goo for Wash. Mal exposits that they're there to drop off Inara and that's all. That's not enough exposition for Jayne, who wants to know what the point of coming to a core planet was if he doesn't get to leave the ship. Mal says that he could have gotten off with Book at Bathgate Abbey. Yay! No Book! Happy dance. Mal says Jayne could have been meditating on the wonders of his own rock garden. Jayne mutters, "It beats just sitting." Wash points out that meditating is just sitting. Still not enough exposition, though; Kaylee asks Inara how long she'll be on Ariel. She says she'll be a day or two. Jayne licks a really big knife. I'm afraid I can't pause for that much naughty reflection. Just store it in your hippocampus for now and bring it up later. Inara has to undergo a "physical examination" every year, according to guild law. They're totally testing her for filthy diseases.
Over at the dinner table, Jayne hocks up a big loogie on his whetstone. I probably just lost all the expectoraphiles for good. Hey, come back! Oh, wait. I'm not sure if I want the expectoraphiles around. Simon, who happens to be sitting to Jayne's left, looks at him with disgust and says, "Can you not do that while we're…ever?" Jayne glares at him and spits on his whetstone again. I'm not sure if there will be description of Jayne's activities in this recap that won't sound like a double entendre. Wash mutters about how awful doctors are so that Simon can remind us that he's a doctor. Oh, yeah. Except for Simon. Simon's not awful. Unless you mean "awful pretty."
Meanwhile, River has walked over to a counter and picked up a very large knife. Then she walks up to Jayne and slashes him directly across the chest as he's teasing Simon. Ow. Jayne reacts in pain and instinctively backhands River across the room. His shirt, incidentally, bears the logo "Blue Sun" on it. Apparently, this logo was also on the box of crackers River molested back in "Shindig." I didn't mention it because I couldn't tell from watching. I only know because I read it on a script page online. And I probably wouldn't have noticed Jayne's shirt if somebody hadn't pointed it out on the forums. There is such a thing as being too subtle. Although that's generally not a trap television shows fall into. There's no time to be subtle when they've got anvils to hurl. Some people run to Jayne's side; some run to River's. She recovers from Jayne's punch, her mouth bleeding, and says, "He looks better in red." Everybody looks confused and concerned. Jayne gasps in pain through it all.
Yay! Furry chest! Simon's needle penetrates Jayne's…hey, where are you going? Cold shower? Okay, then. For the rest of you, Simon sews up Jayne's chest wound in the infirmary as Jayne growls about River being off her rocker. Simon tries to apologize for River's behavior, but Jayne's not hearing it. He tells Mal, who is watching the proceedings, that they need to dump Simon and River. He says Ariel's a good place to leave them behind, and they could even snag a reward. Mal insists that nobody is getting left behind. Jayne threatens, "You don't pitch [River] off this boat right now, I swear to you…" "What?" Mal menaces right back. "What do you swear, Jayne?" Jayne backs off his threat in the face of true alpha-maleness and goes for the "people besides me are at risk" angle by telling Mal that he'd better lock his door at night. Because if River flips out again, who knows who she'll go after? He mentions Kaylee and Inara as potential future victims of River's demented behavior. Mal leans in close to Jayne -- because god knows there isn't enough homoeroticism among these three guys -- to repeat that River and Simon are part of the crew and aren't getting left behind. Jayne looks at Mal, cowed. Jayne's a total butch bottom. He likes to pretend that he's dominant, but behind closed doors he wants to be ordered around. Then Jayne tosses Simon his manly, ripped shirt and tells him that he owes him a new one before stalking out of the infirmary.
After Jayne's gone, Mal tells Simon that River is to be confined to her room at all times. If she needs to go to the kitchen, or anywhere else, Simon has to ask Mal first. Simon agrees. Mal says that part of their agreement when he let Simon and River on the ship was that Simon would keep her in check. Despite what he just said to Jayne, Mal tells Simon that if he can't keep River under control, they may have to "revisit the deal." Simon looks really sad, but agrees. Mal observes, "She's getting worse, isn't she?" Simon simply responds, "Yes."
Oooooh. Fancy CGI! Serenity lands on a planet that is chock full of futuristic buildings. Inside the cargo bay, most of the crew plays horseshoes (see, it's a contrast to the fancy-schmancy city of the future), while Inara and Kaylee wander down one of the catwalks. Kaylee projects that perhaps Inara will meet a young, handsome doctor who will ask her out. Inara chuckles because that's not going to happen because Simon is gay. Kaylee has a little heart patch on the pocket of her overalls. For some reason, she reminds me of Handy Smurf, who was, incidentally, the only Smurf who didn't get on my last nerve. ["Totally off-topic, I'd like to report the disturbing news that MS Word's spell check doesn't flag the word 'Smurf.' And now, back to your recap already in progress." -- Sars] Kaylee asks what the companion policy on dating is. Inara says, "It's complicated." There's probably a percentage discount issue, and that screws up all the tax tables. Inara tells Kaylee to stay out of trouble, and they give each other a little peck on the cheek. I seem to have lost all the straight boys now. Inara heads off for her Pap smear. Eww.
Down with the horseshoes, Jayne asks Mal how they're going to find a job if they don't leave the ship. Mal says that they don't. He insists that there aren't any jobs there worth taking. Wash sits nearby with Zoe and adds that there weren't any jobs in their last three stops either. Man, these guys are the pickiest outlaws I've ever seen. Obviously life on the hinterplanets isn't that bad if Mal can just turn up his nose at anything he doesn't like. Jayne mutters that his daddy told him that if you couldn't find work to do, then you weren't looking hard enough. No doubt Daddy told Jayne this while he was tying him up in the closet and jabbing him with an electric prod, because he's a dad and probably evil. Jayne goes on to mutter that they're not even looking for work at all. That's Simon's cue to stride in and tell them all that they do have a client. Him. He wants to hire them for a job. Everybody looks at him.
Credits. You can't take Vanilla Sky from me. Oh, wait. Yes, you can. In fact, I insist upon it. Here, it's yours. No, I'm not touching it. No. Take it. I don't want it back. Go away.
When we return from commercials, everybody's all, "A job? For us? You?" Simon shows the crew some vials of drugs. He explains how they're all worth great big sums of money on the street. It's nice to hear that those people who convince drug companies to give their pharmaceuticals ridiculous names that all have a "V," an "X," or a "Z" in them still have jobs. He explains that at the hospital in Ariel City, the amount of drugs they could grab would more than pay for the job he has in mind. Wash is confused. If the drug grabbing isn't the job, then what's the job? Simon explains that the drugs are the payment for the job. He actually wants them to help him get River in and out of the facility so that he can do tests to determine what the Academy has done to her. Kaylee points out that people in the hospital might need those drugs to, you know, live. Zoe says that because it's an Alliance hospital, the drugs will be restocked very quickly. Simon confirms this. Mal adds that folks out on "the rim" could really use the drugs. What, so Niska isn't allowed to steal and sell drugs to the poor, but they are? I'm sure some sick child on Dustball IV with a smear of dirt on his cheek will give Mal puppy-dog eyes and he'll end up giving all the drugs away for free anyhow.
Wash points out that, good intentions aside, Simon is suggesting they break into a very secure facility. Simon explains that it's difficult, but it can be done. This cuts into some detailed exposition, where Simon pulls out a computerized map of the facility and goes over the security measures. There are guards. There are scanners. There are keycards. You get the picture. The hard part will be getting inside, but once they pass that barrier, it should get easier. Mal mentions that Simon and River are fugitives from the Alliance. How will they bypass security? Simon says that he and River are going to go in the front door. Mal scoffs, but Simon assures him that his and River's entry is the easy part; it's everybody else that's going to be a challenge. Simon says they'll need to procure items off the ship. Before he can even ask for volunteers, everybody but Zoe and Mal raises a hand.
The first barrier is "breaching the perimeter" to get to the hospital. Only "official" vehicles are allowed in. Since stealing a vehicle is too risky, they're going to have to salvage one from a local junkyard. We cut to Kaylee and Wash, wandering around said junkyard. Kaylee whines about having to spend her first trip to the core planet digging through spaceship parts. You'd think she'd enjoy that sort of thing, with her engine fetish. Sure enough, she marvels over something that looks like a fluorescent tube. Wash picks up a device that looks like the catalyzer from "Out of Gas" and tosses it. Then he notices the remains of an entire space ambulance. I hope they picked up some spare parts for Serenity while they were there, considering that they all nearly died the last time something broke.
Stage two of this adventure is to look like they belong in the hospital. Cut to Jayne, messing with some touchscreen somewhere in Ariel City. He looks around warily. A man passes by holding a couple of bags. He drops the bags, grabs an envelope that seems to be sticking out of an alcove, and walks away. Jayne snatches the bags up. Simon's narration indicates that they bribed somebody to get uniforms, identification badges, and keycards. Back on the ship, Jayne pulls out all the gear and replaces the pictures on the ID tags with pictures of the crew. Yes, this is all very A-Team, but everybody's already said that, dammit. Including people involved with the show. Give me something to work with, here!
Simon continues to narrate that this will only get them up to the door. They're still going to have to act the part to get in. Cut to a high-larious montage of Simon trying to teach Mal, Zoe, and Jayne how to talk in medi-speak. Mal says the patients were cynical rather than cyanotic. They could be both! Zoe stumbles over some blather about cardiac infusers. Jayne just stares in confusion at the whole thing and can't remember a single word.
Meanwhile, Wash and Kaylee put on the welding stuff and the giant gloves and start building themselves a space ambulance.
Meanwhile, Mal says that somebody had dilapidated pupils. Probably Nick Nolte. Simon corrects Mal that the pupils are "dilated." Well, that too.
Wash and Kaylee continue to build an entire functioning ship out of parts in a single day. Take that, Full Metal Challenge!
Mal, Jayne, and Zoe continue to practice. Mal and Zoe are picking it up, finally. Jayne, not so much. He tries to write up a cheat sheet, which Simon snatches away. Jayne stumbles around, then whines, "If I wanted schoolin', I'd have gone to school."
Simon walks into the cargo bay and marvels at the completed ambulance. He congratulates Wash and Kaylee for doing such a great job. But that's not all; Simon opens the hatch to the ambulance, and Zoe, Jayne, and Mal stride out, ready to "Rhythm Nation" their way into the hospital in their paramedic uniforms. Having them stand under the shadows of a nearby catwalk just emphasizes the Janet Jackson video-ness of it all. Simon snarks that if he didn't know any better, he'd think the three of them were "ready to save some lives." Mal says that all they need are a couple of patients. "Corpses, actually," Simon clarifies. "For this to work, River and I will have to be dead." Jayne snarks, "I'm starting to like this plan."
Cut to River's quarters, where Simon explains to her that they're going to "go to sleep" so that the others can sneak them into the hospital. They're going to pretend to be dead, but they'll wake up once they're inside. River clarifies for Simon that he's going to suspend her cardiac and pulmonary activity. Well, it's preferable to a hard conk to the head. Although it doesn't come with funny sound effects. River whines that she doesn't want to do it. She starts crying and says that she doesn't want to die. Simon insists to her that she's not going to die and that everything will be okay. Simon calmly, patiently explains to River that he'll be able to help her when this is all over and "make the nightmares go away." She finally agrees. He tells her to lie back as he injects a drug into her. River looks resigned, and a tear rolls down her cheek. Really good scene from the both of them.
More fancy CGI shots as the ambulance flies over Ariel City at night. Mal reminds the crew that they speak only when spoken to and avoid unnecessary contact with others. Jayne continues to practice his line intently. Mal asks Jayne if he's going to have a problem. Jayne insists that he's got it. Mal, however, means whether he's going to have a problem with leaving Jayne to work with Simon. Jayne responds that it's up to Simon. If Simon wants to be mean, Jayne can be mean. If Simon wants to be sexy, Jayne can be…but I digress. Mal points out that Jayne got "a little stabbed" the other day, and he knows it may have made Jayne a little "ornery." Jayne interrupts to tell Mal that it's a good plan. He says it doesn't make him like Simon any better, though "nothing buys bygones quicker than cash." That was certainly Richard Fish's motto. Jayne jokes that he might give Simon a tattoo while he's unconscious. See? See what they give me to work with? It's like they're begging me to make gay jokes. Mal insists that Jayne simply help Simon get in and out and "no messing with him for laughs." Jayne says not to worry and foreshadows, "As long as I get paid, I'm happy." He goes back to practicing his line.
The ambulance lands in the appropriate landing place outside the hospital. The crew unloads two freakishly large "body bags" from the ambulance. The bags are actually large, sleek, sealed containers that look like sensory deprivation chambers. It's probably safer to transport still-alive bodies in them as well, rather than using a gurney. Wash, Zoe, Mal, and Jayne put the corpse torpedoes on stretchers and start heading towards the hospital. Wash stays behind with the ambulance and reminds them all that they only have a couple of hours before a shift change. I'm not sure why that matters, but Mal says they'll only need an hour anyway.
Mal leads Zoe and Jayne as they push the corpse torpedoes into the receiving area of the hospital. People wander around. Even in the future, there's an intercom for nurses to beg for doctors in an annoyed tone of voice. Mal walks up to the admissions nurse to prepare for their big moment. Nurse: "What have you got?" Mal: "A couple of DOAs. By the time we got there…" Nurse: "Take 'em down to the morgue." Ha! Nurse points some remote control unit at the corpse torpedoes that causes the lids to change color from gray to black. Cool. I assume that's so they can tell at a glance whether or not a body has been properly admitted. The antiheroes just stand there for a moment, confused that things have gone unexpectedly smoothly. Suddenly Jayne blurts out, "We applied the cortical electrodes, but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient." The nurse looks at him like, "Did I ask for your life story?" Mal gives them a look; then they all push the corpse torpedoes down a hallway.
We cut to a creepy sci-fi morgue. I think it's the fact that most of the autopsy tables are in the center of the room in a circle like some sort of flower of death that makes it creepy. It's just a little too efficient-looking. The antiheroes push the corpse torpedoes in, then open them up. Simon is back to wearing a vest. They place River and Simon on autopsy tables, and Mal injects them with something that should wake them up in a couple of minutes. Apparently, this plan assumes that nobody else is going to be brought into the morgue while they're there. For once, this is an assumption that turns out to be correct. Mal explains to Jayne that he's to help the siblings get to the "imaging suite" and make sure they get back to the ship in fifty minutes. Jayne stammers that he'll just sit around and wait for them, but we get an extreme close-up of his face to telegraph to us that he's not being entirely honest. Zoe and Mal push the empty corpse torpedoes out of the morgue.
Sure enough, seconds after Mal and Zoe leave, Jayne stands up, looks to make sure that Simon and River are still unconscious, and carefully leaves the morgue. He walks down a corridor until he reaches a monitor that is running an advertisement for Slurm, or whatever. He swipes a card through the reader to the monitor. Some options appear on the screen. Jayne touches the one labeled "Police." A man greets him in Chinese. Jayne tells him that he's in. Does Jayne have the fugitives? Does the guy have Jayne's reward? The man assures Jayne that he does. Then he's got the siblings. The man says that they'll be there shortly and adds, "Congratulations, you're about to become a very rich man." Dun dun duuuuuunnnn! Jayne's the mole! Perhaps I should start calling him "Yelena"?
Commercials. Will I ever escape the kids of American Idol? Ever?
When we return, Jayne returns to the morgue. He wanders over and looks into one of those corpse storage units in the wall. Interestingly enough, it looks like a torpedo tube. I'm developing this weird theory that they launch their dead into space. As he's facing away from the autopsy tables, River silently sits up and asks, "Copper for a kiss?" This startles Jayne. Then he asks her what she said. River gives Jayne a confused look, sort of like she already has suspicions that something has gone wrong. But before either or them can say anything else, Simon wakes up with a gasp. He starts coughing hoarsely. Jayne comes over to see if Simon's okay. Simon explains that it's an aftereffect of the drugs. Jayne points out that River seems okay. Then we hear the sounds of River retching just off-camera. Heh. Jayne tosses them some outfits and tells them they have to get changed and get a move on.
Out in the halls of the hospital, Zoe and Mal are making their way to where the drugs are. Suddenly, they're waylaid by Stock Infiltration Scheme Conflict #12: Officious Authority Figure Tries To Order Them Around. A doctor comes out into the hallway to snottily ask the two of them where they're taking the bodies. Mal says they're going to the morgue, but Snotty Doctor points out that the morgue is the other way. Mal says they must have gotten turned around. Snotty Doctor demands to see their badges. The music gets all, "Uh-oh. Bad!"
Elsewhere in the hospital, Simon is dressed up like a doctor in an outfit that looks kind of like what Janet Jackson wore in her "Escapade" video, but white. Okay, it only barely looks like it, but I've hit a theme, and I'm not letting go without a fight. River is a patient in a wheelchair. Simon pushes her through some sort of trauma room where nobody even gets so much as a curtain for privacy. Jayne is accompanying them as well. River mutters about dying and such. Simon assures them that nobody's going to die. She nods at a man on a bed and says that he's going to die. Simon assures her that the doctor is taking care of him. River insists that the doctor is going to fuck it up and the patient will die. Then she starts to freak out a little and insists that Simon go help the patient. Simon and Jayne try to calm her down, but suddenly the patient River was talking about codes. Simon orders Jayne and River to stay there and rushes over to the patient. Lengthy medibabble ensues, and I'm not recapping ER, so whatever. Simon is incredibly competent. The doctor treating the guy is a boob. Simon saves the guy's life and determines that the doctor gave the patient the wrong drug. He chews the doctor out, and walks back to River and Jayne. Jayne gives Simon a look that says nothing so much as, "I had no idea he could be so butch."
Mal and Zoe are still having trouble with the Snotty Doctor. He demands that they come with him. Mal's tries to stall him. Snotty Doctor makes a big speech about what a snotty doctor he is and threatens Mal's "job." Zoe starts looking around and walks away for a moment. Snotty Doctor continues to snot until Zoe comes up behind him and zaps him into unconsciousness with a defibrillator. Incidentally, they're in a hallway where people are passing by them every couple of seconds, but nobody seems to care. Maybe Snotty Doctor has a bit of a reputation.
We zoom in on a freaky-looking medical table with weird attached devices and stuff. Creepy music plays. This is the imaging center. Simon rolls River up to the table and asks if she's ready. She is.
Zoe and Mal continue down the hallway and find the room they're looking for. Except Mal's keycard doesn't work. Neither does Zoe's. She suggests that they must have been demagnetized. For some reason, this doesn't make them suspicious or anything. Mal pops open one of the corpse torpedoes, inside which is the unconscious Snotty Doctor. Mal grabs his keycard and uses it to open the door.
Back in the imaging room, Simon carefully lays River down on the table. He walks over to a computer and starts playing with various buttons. Things whir and beep.
Zoe and Mal push the corpse torpedoes into the drug storage closet. After dropping Snotty Doctor on the floor, they start loading drugs into the open corpse torpedoes. Mal has a "cheat sheet" of drug names written on his forearm, so he knows which ones to take. They grab a lot of drugs -- probably tens of thousands of dollars' worth. Once they finish loading the corpse torpedoes, they shut them and head back out.
Back at the imaging center, Simon plays with the equipment some more. A 3D computer rendition of River's body appears floating above her. Simon presses some buttons, and the image strips down until it's just showing her brain. Cool.
Mal and Zoe head back down the hall with the corpse torpedoes.
In the imaging center, Simon physically manipulates the image of River's brain by turning it with his hands. It's very reminiscent of the computer images that Tom Cruise's character manipulates in Minority Report when he's trying to pre-solve a murder. It's really cool. He explains to Jayne what he sees so that we can all hear what's going on. He says that the doctors opened up River's skull and cut into her brain, multiple times. There's no reason to do that except to lobotomize somebody or remove damaged tissue. And they've done it over and over. He turns the brain image around, then declares that they "stripped [River's] amygdala." Those awful, terrible, evil…uh, what? Simon "explains" that the amygdala is where you push feelings of fear or worry when you don't want to deal with them. It's a filter in the brain that helps keep bad feelings in check. By "stripping" River's amygdala, she ends up feeling everything, Simon explains. She can't control it. But that doesn't explain why she doesn't seem to notice when she's in immediate danger, like in "Shindig" or "Safe." Simon looks horrified by this discovery. Even Jayne seems a bit freaked out, but rallies and tells Simon that it's time to go. Simon says they still have twenty minutes, but Jayne tells him the plan changed while Simon and River were out. As Simon argues with Jayne about this, we all see spots of red appear on the image of River's brain. Simon and Jayne don't notice. Suddenly River starts screaming. Jayne covers her mouth to silence her until Simon rushes back over to calm her down. River mutters, "They come out of the black. They come when you call." Simon calls over to Jayne to tell him that they're leaving now. River looks at Jayne and says, "You're toes are in the sand." Jayne starts to respond, "Your head is up your…" but Simon interrupts him and tells him to back off. Jayne insists that Simon keep River quiet as they're trying to escape.
As they head back through some patient area, River back in the wheelchair, Simon mutters to Jayne that he should have let them know the plan had changed. Jayne says he told him when it mattered. They head toward some doors down a hallway. River starts freaking out again, declaring that she doesn't want to go back. Simon tries to calm her down. He says that they're almost back home, and pushes her through the doors to an outside stairwell. And that's when they're all surrounded by armed Alliance bellboys. The guy Jayne talked to on the videophone is in charge and tells River and Simon that by the authority of the Alliance, they're "bound by law."
Commercials. When we return, the Alliance bellboys all move in to handcuff River and Simon and take them into custody. As they get dragged away, Jayne asks Head Bellboy how he wants to "play it" as far as Jayne being the mole. What mole? Head Bellboy don't see no mole around here. He sees somebody who helped harbor fugitives. He orders Jayne arrested as well. Jayne's all, "What about my money?" Not too quick on the uptake. Head Bellboy clarifies for us that it's going to be his money, because he'll be the one getting the reward for catching them. I can only assume that the other bellboys are in for a cut or a promotion or something, because they don't seem to care one way or another about the screw-over. Jayne tries to charge the Head Bellboy, but one of his minions shoots him with a gun that seems to emit some sort of sonic air blast which knocks Jayne flat on his ass.
By this time, Zoe and Mal have returned to the ambulance. Wash helps them load the drug-laden corpse torpedoes back into the ship, and marvels at how heavy they are. He asks how many drugs they got. Mal says they got enough to keep them flying for quite a while. Until he gives them all away to the noble unwashed, of course. Zoe asks if they can fly somewhere with a beach. Well, apparently, Ariel has a beach, but you're too good for it. Wash suggests a "naked beach." The suggestion causes him to run over to Zoe and start making out. Mal tells them to knock it off with the PDA until the job is done. Then Mal starts wondering where the others are.
The others are playing some bondage games with the Alliance. Simon, River, and Jayne, all handcuffed, are forced into some security chamber and made to sit. Simon apparently seen Jayne's conflict with the guards, but must not have heard the reason behind it. Simon tells Jayne that he might have had a chance if the guards hadn't been armed. Aww, he sounds like a girl cheering up her boyfriend after losing a schoolyard fight or something. "You totally would have taken down Jackie if his asshole friend Stu hadn't tripped you!" Jayne gives some sort of non-answer about the fight. Simon says that he appreciates Jayne trying to help him. It's "Jaynestown" the sequel. A pretty boy gives Jayne goo-goo eyes when he totally doesn't deserve it. Jayne mutters in response, "You know what I'd appreciate? If you'd stop flapping that pretty mouth at me." Well, you should do what the bachelor does when he wants the women to stop saying uncomfortable things to him -- kiss them. Go on. You know you want to. You just said he had a pretty mouth. No? Dammit.
Anyway, Jayne says he's trying to think of an escape plan. River starts muttering that "they took Christmas away." Jayne looks at her and says, "What the hell now?" River gives some lengthy speech about coming down the stairs Christmas morning and finding all the presents gone. Jayne tells Simon to shut her up. River looks at Jayne and says, "Don't look in the closet, either. It's greedy." Jayne threatens River to shut up, or he'll shut her up himself. It's hard to tell whether or not River is speaking about Jayne's current behavior or about something from days past. Jayne's not that smart, so I'm not sure he'd understand a metaphor like this one. Or a metaphor at all. Or the word "metaphor." River doesn't look too afraid of Jayne or the situation. See, that amygdala thing is a bit inconsistent. She was freaking out earlier. If she feels everything, why isn't she more frightened now?
Back at the ambulance, Zoe says that the others are ten minutes late for the rendezvous. Simon realizes that something has happened. They all load onto the ship and contact Kaylee back on Serenity. Wash asks her to link up with the hospital and find out if there have been any security alerts. Kaylee says she's not hearing anything from the hospital or local "chatter," but she is hearing some strange conversations on the official "federal" channel, talking about ducks. Zoe and Mal immediately recognize this as code and determine that the others have been caught. Okay, then. Maybe the Alliance is using the same codes they used back during the war, and Mal recognizes the terms. Or whatever. Mal orders Kaylee to pull up schematics for the hospital and help them find their way through to track down where the others might be. Zoe straps her sawed-off shotgun to her boot as Wash asks if they're just going to go right back in the front door. No, Mal explains. Wash is going to help them find a way in through the back.
Back in the security room, orders River and Simon to get up. River complies. Simon wants to know where they're going. Head Bellboy is uncooperative. Simon tells the man that he knows this must be an important case, and that bigwigs are monitoring it. He knows this because Head Bellboy is apparently a big muckety-muck, and muckety-mucks don't do fieldwork unless it's important. And he knows that the Alliance wants the siblings alive, so Simon's not going to cooperate unless Head Bellboy does one of two things -- answer his question, or shoot him. Or they could just knock you out and carry you. But the sudden influx of testosterone into Simon's system flummoxes Head Bellboy, who tells them they'll be taken to a holding area until they're retrieved by people who want them alive. He apparently doesn't know -- or care -- who these people are. He orders the other bellboys to take the prisoners away.
Two guards bring the three of them down to a holding area. As the guards push them all in, Jayne seizes an opportunity and bashes one in the chin with an elbow. Then he kicks the other one into the wall of the cell. He's still handcuffed, by the way. As he pushes the first guard against the wall, Simon joins the fray by physically hurling himself at the second, knocking him down. Jayne headbutts his guard and manages to work his hands down under his legs so that they're now handcuffed in front. He starts choking the first guard. Percussion-heavy "stoolie getting killed in the weight room of Oz" music plays over the whole fight. It's all sort of quiet, which is a little creepy. I don't know why the guards aren't yelling for help. Guard One bite's Jayne's hand. Ow. He manages to punch Jayne in the head a couple of times. Meanwhile, Simon has actually managed to knock his guard out, but he's slowly coming to. Simon leans down and presses his knee against the guard's neck.
Mal and Zoe stride down a hallway, lost. They call for help from Wash and Kaylee. Kaylee tells them to take a left at cryo, past the frozen head of Ted Williams. She directs them through a door and down some stairs. Mal whines to Zoe along the way about how things never go according to plan. Now, would Hannibal have said such a thing? He would have chewed on a cigar and made everything work. Wash has even more bad news; another ship has arrived.
Back in the holding cell, Baracas and Face -- I mean, "Jayne and Simon" continue their fight. Simon's man falls unconscious due to lack of oxygen. Then Jayne snaps his guard's neck. Jayne pulls the keys off the dead guard and uncuffs everybody. Simon picks up the sonic rifle off the other guard and hands it to Jayne, then leads River out of the holding cell into the hall. Jayne follows. But then they can't decide which way to go. Jayne wants to go back the way they came. Simon points out that there are still guards there. Jayne knows. Simon wants to go in the other direction. Jayne says they don't know where that direction goes. I don't think Jayne is trying to get them caught again, since he no longer has any financial stake in anything. He's just not very good with the planning. Jayne insists that he can "handle" all the feds. River responds, "It doesn't matter. They're here."
Back in the security room, Head Bellboy greets a couple of visitors. "Gentlemen!" he says, but fortunately it's not those Gentlemen. Brrrrrr. But they're our mysterious men with the blue rubber gloves. And it's the same two that we saw in "The Train Job." I'm going to call them "Dawn" and "Joy" because, well, it made me laugh, and that's all that matters. Head Bellboy blathers on to the men about filling out paperwork. He adds that they didn't get much information from the prisoners -- the men were tightlipped and River just babbled stuff. Joy (that's the balding one with the creepy eyes) asks, "You spoke to the prisoners?" Joy's tone of voice and change in posture make it very, very clear that this the correct answer to this question is, "No sir! Didn't say a word!" But of course, body language is for the benefit of the viewers. The characters on the show are generally oblivious.
Head Bellboy explains that they needed to get enough information to "process" them, but adds that they didn't interrogate them or anything. Dawn (that's the dirty blond one who looks kind of like an insurance salesman) walks up to Joy's side, standing directly in front of Head Bellboy (who is seated), and pulls out a little device that looks kind of like a retractable baton. He presses a button, and a thin blue rod pops out of each side. Some have compared it to a tampon, but I'm happy to say that I really wouldn't know. Though I'd certainly need to wear gloves if I were carrying one of them around. Girl cooties! Dawn asks Head Bellboy if any of the other bellboys spoke to the prisoners. They did, as much as they needed to.
Okay, if I were an allegedly high muckety-muck like this Head Bellboy is, and a couple of creepy men in blue gloves stood in front of me and popped open some unfamiliar device and held it in front of me, there would be a little cartoon cloud where I had been sitting, and possibly a "ZWING!" sound effect. And there might be a hole with a cartoon outline of myself in a nearby wall. But no, Head Bellboy just gives the device a curious glance. A high-pitched whine emanates from the baton. Suddenly Head Bellboy's nose starts to bleed. He touches his face and feels blood, then looks at his hands. He's bleeding from his fingernails. Oh, and his eyes. And now his mouth. Ick. It's even ickier when you pause the television, turn around to write on the computer, then turn back to see the image paused on a shot of Head Bellboy sitting there with his mouth wide open, bleeding from all orifices.
Commercials.
We return back to Simon, River, and Jayne out in the random hallway. They can all hear screaming emanating from the security office. Jayne and Simon are confused by the sounds. River is petrified. She knows what it is. We see a brief shot of all the bellboys lying dead on the security room floor, bleeding all over. River starts muttering, "Two by two, hands of blue." Then she runs, panicked, down a hallway, leaving Simon and Jayne to follow her.
The Dishwashers of Doom walk down a hallway, silently.
River leads Jayne and Simon into a huge empty hall that looks like it could serve as an airplane hangar. This is one weird hospital. Maybe they build with future growth in mind. She rushes over to the other side of the room. Jayne wants to know where the hell they're going. Simon says that River must know there's another exit this way somehow.
The Dishwashers of Doom enter the holding chamber where Jayne and Simon beat the guards. The referee has watched this portion of the game several times and is confirming his earlier decision. Joy looks over the guard Jayne fought. Dawn looks over the guard Simon fought. Joy declares his guard dead. Dawn mentions that his guard is still alive, as he pulls out the Death Baton. It looks confusing, because there's a sudden camera change to the other side of the room as the men enter, flipping their positions. But Jayne definitely killed his guard, while Simon only incapacitated his.
In the hospital's gigantic empty hangar, Jayne declares that he has no intention of running around like a rat in a maze, and demands that they go back. Then he hears Simon's guard screaming. Back, he realizes, is not so much a place he wants to go anymore.
The Dishwashers of Doom step over the bleeding corpse of the guard and back out into the hallway. They look around for a moment, then head off in the same direction as the others went.
River leads the others down a stairwell as the Oz percussion plays some more. She mutters that they're "almost there" as she runs over to a blue door. They need to go through the door, but it's locked. Jayne tells them to stand back. He shoots it with the sonic rifle, but it doesn't affect the door. He gets frustrated and tries to use the gun to beat the door open.
The Dishwashers of Doom open the door to the hangar and walk through. They don't seem particularly concerned by anything bad potentially happening to them, and they don't seem particularly concerned about River escaping either. They're just walking along like this is all no big deal.
Jayne continues to beat the gun against the door. Suddenly, there's the sound of a shotgun blast, and the handle of the door shatters into pieces. Simon shields River, as the door swings open to reveal Mal and Zoe. I'd point out something about the shotgun blast drawing attention to them, but there's nobody left to respond anymore. Mal looks at the three of them and gives them an "Are you coming or what?" nod.
The Dishwashers of Doom make it down to the door and see that everybody has escaped. Better luck time, creepy evil people!
We cut back to Serenity, where Inara is returning from refilling her Valtrex prescription. She runs into Kaylee and asks her what's going on. Kaylee casually fills her in on the whole plan, including the part where Mal and Zoe had to rescue the others from the feds, like it's all no big deal.
And here come the antiheroes and their space ambulance. I hope they keep it and find a reason to use it on another mission somehow. The door opens, and the antiheroes file out of the vehicle. Mal asks Wash if they were followed. He's sure they weren't. He orders Wash to get them off this crazy planet. Wash heads up to the bridge to do so. Mal asks Inara how her little vacation was. There were tables and needles and examinations and stuff. Hey, them too! Everybody gathers around the ambulance. Jayne, breathing heavily, declares that time they come to a core planet, he's staying with Book. Mal claps him on the shoulder all friendly-like and says, "[If] you hadn't come, you wouldn't be getting your big payday." This is one of those situations where I wish I didn't spoil myself on Friday nights by checking the boards after the show ends on the East Coast (hours before I get to watch it), just to make sure nobody's going berserk. Mal gives Kaylee a big brotherly hug as he asks Simon if he got what they needed. Simon says that he thinks he did; he just needs to look over the mediblather he's collected and figure something out. Kaylee asks Jayne what happened to his face. There's a huge lump on his forehead from the fight with the guards. Jayne tries to casually dismiss it, but Simon is suddenly all about the praising of Jayne: "He was amazing! I can't even begin to tell you." Start with the foreplay -- sorry! Simon obliviously insists that he and River wouldn't have escaped without Jayne's help. Jayne's all, "Great, another pretty boy is in love with me for the wrong reasons." He mutters, "Hey, you're part of my crew." Mal jokes that he might cry. Mal sends everybody away to go do whatever, while he and Jayne unload the cargo.
After everybody's gone, Jayne sees all the drugs and suggests that it's their biggest take ever, as he slides open one of the doors to their secret holds in the side of the bay. Mal says that Simon had a good idea and has a "decent criminal mind." Jayne walks over to where Mal is working to ask him what he's buying with his cut. Suddenly Mal spins around and whacks Jayne across the head with a huge wrench, knocking him clean out. Uh-oh. This love triangle has come to a head. Heh heh. "Head."
We see a lovely CGI shot of Serenity taking off from the planet's surface. Jayne comes to, slowly realizing what's going on. There's a communicator on the floor. He appears to be in the corridor that leads from the cargo bay to off-ship. He yells out, asking Mal what he's doing. There's a knock at the window of the sealed door, and we can see Mal's hand holding a communicator. Mal tells him it's time for a little chat. Both Mal and Jayne lunge for a panel of buttons to the door. Mal seems to win, or perhaps he's disabled the buttons on Jayne's side. Mal presses a button, causing the outside door to open. They haven't left Ariel's atmosphere yet, though, so it just causes some nasty winds to blow at Jayne. For now.
Mal explains to Jayne that that he knew they had a solid plan, but couldn't figure out what Jayne was doing going out the back door instead of going out the way they came in. Jayne insists that they couldn't go back the way they came. Mal accuses Jayne of calling in the Alliance. Jayne points out that he got pinched, too. Mal points out, "That's what happens when you call the feds." Jayne continues to profess his innocence, demanding that God strike him down where he's standing if he's lying. Mal says that Jayne won't be standing there for long; once they leave Ariel's atmosphere, Jayne will get sucked out into space and die. Jayne begs Mal not to kill him that way: "You want to kill me, shoot me! Just let me in." Mal explains that they used to keelhaul traitors back in the day, but this as close as he can get on his spaceship. Jayne finally relents and admits his guilt in the hopes of changing Mal's mind. He says that money was too good to resist and apologizes several times, begging Mal to "be reasonable." He says that it wasn't like he ratted Mal out to the feds. Mal angrily insists that he did: "You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! But since that's a concept you can't seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place here. You did it to me, Jayne, and that's a fact."
Mal turns around and starts to walk away. Jayne looks terrified and about to cry. He asks Mal what he's going to tell the others about Jayne's death. Mal says he hadn't really thought about it. Jayne says, "Make somethin' up. Don't tell 'em what I did." Mal stares at him for a few seconds. Then he reaches down to the button panel and closes the outside door. Jayne starts gasping in relief. Mal, back at the door, tells Jayne, "time you stab me in the back, you do it to my face." He leaves the communicator at the door and walks away. Jayne says, "Can I come in?" Really, really good scene between the two of them. And that diamond-shaped window in the door has really worked out well for the set design.
River is in her quarters, drawing a picture of those Russian dolls that rest inside each other. Because, see, of the layers. Simon comes in to join her; he's holding a needle. And wearing a vest again. He marvels at the picture. River notices the needle and asks what he's doing. Simon explains that he brought her some medicine. River asks if it's time to go to sleep again. Simon says, "No, [duck liver]. It's time to wake up." Awwwww. Gay Simon loves his crazy sister. Take that, Jack and Andie.
week: Shut up, Adam Sandler.