Big, major props to Strega. I'm assuming that she has handled the recaplet for this episode for me. I have to operate on assumptions at the moment, because as I write this, four days after moving into my new apartment across the country, I still have no phone service at all. Speaking of which, big, major anti-props to Verizon, the most incompetent utility company I've ever had to deal with in my life. Ever. The most incompetent company, period. And I've had to brave the IRS customer service line. Verizon sucks. When Verizon eventually files for Chapter Eleven, and they most certainly will, I will dance a happy dance of schadenfreude.
But enough about me; let's get to the latest chapter in the Book of Joss: Firefly. Will it breathe new life into the sci-fi genre and continue Mutant Enemy's string of modest successes? Will it crash and burn like every single drama that has been stuck on FOX's Friday-night schedule ever since The X-Files was moved to Sundays? Well, considering that one of the most creatively written and critically acclaimed sci-fi series to hit the air in the past five years was just unceremoniously canceled, I'm not exactly getting too attached to these characters. Plus, I've already seen the ratings for the premiere. Not good.
We open with some CGI shots of a ship flying past various planets and a caption indicating the year as 2517. In a voice-over, a man explains, "After the earth was used up, we found a new solar system, and hundreds of new earths were terraformed and colonized." "Used up"? Was this intro written by a second-grader? And which solar system has hundreds of planets? Apparently terraforming isn't what it's cracked up to be; we see shots of people wandering around some dusty desert town in drab Western clothing. The man continues, "The central planets formed 'The Alliance,' and decided all the planets had to join under their rule. There was some disagreement on that point." We see shots of the inside of an Alliance base, bustling with drones in the goofy-looking uniforms in neutral shades that are required by any credible futuristic oppressive empire. And an outside shot of the Alliance base shows that it looms impressively, like reputable evil space headquarters are required to do. As we see some brief shots of ships fighting and explosions, the narrator continues, "After the war, many of the 'Independents' who had fought and lost drifted to the edges of the system, far from Alliance control. Out here, people struggled to get by with the most basic technologies. A ship would get you work; a gun would help you keep it." We see more shots of people living in Western-style poverty. So if the planets at the edge of this gigantic solar system aren't really under Alliance control, then who really won the war here? Already this Civil War conceit is starting to fall apart. It would be like the U.S. government looking the other way at a little slavery still going on in the Florida Keys or something. Well, maybe I'm being a little harsh. Clearly we're in the futuristic equivalent of the Reconstruction. We see clips of the various cast members of our show in action as the narration concludes, "A captain's goal was simple: find a crew; find a job; keep flying."
We cut to the inside of a dusty, dirty bar, where gaps in the roof allow for shafts of natural light to shine down into the building, driving home the fact that the bar is full of dust and dirt. There's probably as much silicon floating through the bar as there is to be found in the breasts of the belly dancer who writhes around the tables while vaguely Arabic/Oriental music plays. It's all very "Indiana Jones meets with an old friend and contact who fills him in on the secret Nazi plans minutes before coming to an unfortunate end." The dancer writhes around for about ten minutes, the camera following her torso around (you are watching FOX!), and eventually makes her way over to a table in the corner. There, she slips a piece of paper into a man's hand with all the discretion of Suzy Jackson passing a note to Kelly Wood in third-period English to ask if Tommy McIntyre had asked her to go to the homecoming dance yet.
The woman writhes off, probably to wash all that dust off of her, and the camera focuses on the three folks sitting at the table. They are: the guy who played Johnny on Two Guys and a Girl; the woman who played Sydney's first nemesis on Alias; and Adam Baldwin (whom some of you may recall as Noel Roaawwwrr on The X-Files). Now I must confess, I've had a mad crush on Adam Baldwin for years. So you may ask yourself, "Will this affect Shack's objectivity and judgment in his recaps? Will his normal level of sarcasm be compromised every time Adam swaggers his way into a scene, with his effortless, beefy masculinity and charismatic smile that says, 'I'm a naughty, naughty boy -- and you love it,' while his eyes sparkle with a charm that he tries to pretend doesn't exist? Well? Will it?" Yes. Yes it will. Shut up. Anyway, the three of them are playing Chinese checkers, because everything is old-fashioned. Get it? They're not answering trivia questions on televisions hanging from the ceiling in order to win free Buffalo wings, because that's for fancy folks. They just get the Chinese checkers. Because they're poor and dispossessed.
The trio play and bicker and snark for a while, until a man at the bar tries to get everybody's attention in order to hold a toast. Hey, maybe the exposition will seem less awkward if we have some drunken idiot blurt it out? No, no it won't. The man drunkenly declares that today is an "asspicious" day. Strip-club announcers write that clever little word down for later use. The man continues that everybody knows what today is. Adam Baldwin asks Sydney's Nemesis what day it is. Before she can respond, Drunk Guy exposits that today is Unification Day. Today's the day the Alliance officially beat the "scumbag" Independents into submission. The rest of the bar appears to be ignoring him. Johnny heads up to the bar. Sydney's nemesis calls him "Captain." I don't know why I'm pretending that I don't know these characters' names, other than to try to recreate the experience of not having them officially introduced to us. Captain Johnny tells Sydney's Nemesis that he feels the need to get another drink. Adam Baldwin asks Sydney's Nemesis what month it is. I don't know if we're supposed to think he's dumb or just detached. Or maybe both.
Captain Johnny heads up to the bar to Drunk Exposition Guy and orders a drink in Chinese. Captain Johnny's proximity transforms Drunk Exposition Guy into Opening Conflict Guy. Opening Conflict Guy asks Captain Johnny if he's going to toast the Alliance with him. He exposits that The Alliance sent the "browncoats" of the Independents running six years ago. Then Opening Conflict Guy notices that Captain Johnny is dressed all in brown, including a knee-length trench coat. Of course, everything in this bar, including the very air, is brown, but whatever. Captain Johnny claims he got the jacket on sale. Opening Conflict Guy suggests that perhaps Captain Johnny was one of them thar browncoats. Captain Johnny responds that perhaps Opening Conflict Guy wasn't "burdened with an overabundance of schooling." Captain Johnny further suggests that the two of them simply ignore each other. But Opening Conflict Guy hasn't fulfilled his new duties as of yet. He sneers at Captain Johnny that the Independents were "cowardly, inbred pisspots." This guy's ranting would make more sense if he didn't look exactly like everybody else in the bar, including these Independents. At no point in this conflict is there any indication as to why this guy supports the Alliance, when clearly he's as dispossessed as all the other fringe folks out here. But you don't get the luxury of a complex characterization when you're just the Opening Conflict Guy. What you get is a fight scene. Captain Johnny slams down his beer and orders Opening Conflict Guy to repeat that insult to his face. Opening Conflict Guy does so, and asks Captain Johnny what he's going to do about it. Captain Johnny smirks and says, "Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so [Sydney's Nemesis] could get behind you." Opening Conflict Guy turns around, Sydney's Nemesis hits him in the mouth with the butt of her sawed-off shotgun, and he goes down. Mission accomplished, Opening Conflict Guy!
But why stop with just one punch? It turns out that, though everybody else in the bar was completely ignoring Opening Conflict Guy, suddenly they're all big Alliance supporters. Captain Johnny mutters something in Chinese while Sydney's Nemesis finally calls Adam Baldwin by his character's name -- Jayne -- when she asks him for help. I'd make fun of the character's name, but it's Adam Baldwin, and we've already established that whole thing. Jayne remains at the table and nonchalantly points out that he didn't fight in the war and wishes the both of them luck.
Then we cut to Captain Johnny getting tossed through the window of the bar into the dirt outside. Now, when I say tossed "through" the window, what I mean is that he goes through the window without anything breaking. That's because the window is a hologram. That's right -- somebody went to the effort of developing a holographic device to mimic something that's completely transparent. Don't think about it too much or your head might explode. If this is an indication of how these people prioritize their expenses, I think we might have hit upon the real reason they're all so poor. As Captain Johnny picks himself up off the ground, he pulls out a communicator and tells somebody with the improbable name of "Wash" that they've encountered some "local color" and could use a "grand entrance." Well, a decent bath might cheer these folks up, but I'm guessing Wash's name isn't meant to be taken literally.
Just then, Sydney's Nemesis kicks a few local-color asses out the door of the bar, and fisticuffs ensue. And thankfully, this all looks like a real fight that real people might have, and not the "if it looks cool in Tekken, wouldn't it look cooler if we did it live?" stuntwork we get on Buffy and Angel. Captain Johnny kicks a guy in the knee. Sydney's Nemesis throws dirt in a guy's eyes. Uh, what happened to Sydney's Nemesis's gun? Jayne, I guess, couldn't let the opportunity to hurt people pass, so he knocks a few guys out the front door of the bar with a stool and joins the fray. Unfortunately, our would-be intrepid anti-heroes find themselves outnumbered and backed up to the edge of a conveniently nearby cliff. Captain Johnny jokes to Sydney's Nemesis that this is why they lost the war in the first place. Sydney's Nemesis deadpans, "Thanks for the reenactment, sir." Opening Conflict Guy and two other fellows draw guns on our would-be intrepid anti-heroes. He suggests that the three of them need to be "put down." Captain Johnny responds, "I'm thinking we'll rise again." Do you get it? Do you? Do you? They'll rise again? Like the South? After the Civil War?
Before Opening Conflict Guy can call Captain Johnny's bluff, Wash arrives with the requested grand entrance. A spaceship the size of a large yacht rises up (get it?) from beneath the lip of the cliff to stare the gathered Alliance rednecks in the face. Over a speaker, Wash warns the men to go back in the bar or he'll "blow a new crater in this little moon." Having served their function, Opening Conflict Guy and his fellow conflicteers turn tail and return to the bar. The Fiddle Of Beating The Western Theme Into Our Heads plays as our trio of would-be intrepid anti-heroes jump onto a loading ramp and head into a storage bay. Jayne mocks the yokels because they don't know that their transport ship is totally unarmed. If the dumb, poor yokels support the Alliance, then who the hell were the Independents, other than these folks? The inside of this ship, by the way, is as dirty, rusty, and brown as the inside of the bar they just left.
Captain Johnny and Sydney's Nemesis head up some stairs to the "bridge" -- which looks more like an extra-large cockpit -- to thank Wash for the save. Wash is played by Alan Tudyk, an actor so Nordically pale that he probably glows in the dark. Captain Johnny asks after the other passengers, prompting a young woman to pull herself out from under a console she is repairing to tell him they're fine. This girl is a "Hollywood Geek" -- a pretty, pretty girl who is stuck into lumpy clothing, given an unflattering hairstyle, and denied make-up, all to try to convince us that she's not a pretty, pretty girl. Then, of course, she'll get all "gussied up" for some reason or another and knock everybody's socks off. Everybody, that is, who isn't already aware that this is already a pretty, pretty girl. And since this nonsense has been already been mocked in awful "comedies" like Not Another Teen Movie, I don't know why we're being dragged down this damned road yet again. Pretty Geek Girl asks what happened and whether there was a big brawl. There was. Wash asks if Captain Johnny is getting Wash's wife (meaning Sydney's Nemesis) into trouble again. Captain Johnny insists that he didn't start it. Sydney's Nemesis points out that they always seem to end up in an Alliance-friendly bar on Unification Day. Captain Johnny jokingly accuses Sydney's Nemesis of developing "space dementia" and paranoia. Pretty Geek Girl laughs, because she wants to be in with the cool kids. And finally they get to the point of this entire opening scene: that little note that was passed to Captain Johnny. He tells them all that he got them a job, and orders Wash to take them off-world: "We got us some crime to be done." The Banjo Of Shack Dreading The Pending Opening Theme Song plays as we end the intro with a shot of the ship flying off away from the planet, a wake of green vapors trailing behind it.
Okay, I really did enjoy Buffy: The Musical, but that doesn't mean that Joss Whedon should go around writing theme songs. In fact, after hearing the theme song for Firefly, I'm going to insist that he stop. Now. Twangy guitar and fiddle music plays as a man sings about how "they" can take his land and all sorts of important stuff away from him, but nobody can "take the sky away" from him. "You can't take the sky from me" is repeated over and over again as the credits show the typical cast list of our intrepid would-be anti-heroes in action. Fine, I can't take the sky away from him, but if I can get my hands on that guitar, at least I won't have to hear about it. The credits end with a shot of the ship flying over a stampede of wild horses. Because it's a Western. But it's in space!
Commercials. I can't believe I used to think the Verizon guy was cute. He's the tool of an evil empire. I hate you, Verizon guy.
The fiddle plays us back to a young woman asleep on a cot of some sort. She's dreaming the requisite dreams of somebody who has been subjected to human experimentation. She's strapped into a chair, and there are bright lights and faceless doctors and needles everywhere. She awakens with a scream and starts throwing a hissyfit. She appears to be in a medical bay. A pretty, pretty young man, who -- in his black slacks, white shirt, and tight-fitting black vest -- looks like a blackjack dealer at the universe's first gay casino, rushes over to calm her down. Her name is River. His name is Simon. River is played by Summer Glau, who annoyed Strega briefly in an episode of Angel last season. Simon is played by Sean Maher, who was recapped briefly by Stee in the late and totally unlamented series The $treet. Simon calms River down enough so he can work in some clumsy exposition. He asks her if she was dreaming about "The Academy." The Academy. The Alliance. The Independents. River. Wash. Did they run out of proper names in the future? River doesn't want to talk about it, but Simon tells her that the more he knows about what happened, the faster River will get better. So we can assume that Simon has medical knowledge. River acts flaky, cowers from imaginary people, and gets on my last nerve already with two whole lines as she points out that they aren't home. Dr. Exposition tells River that they can't ever go home again or River will get sent back to The Academy. River looks around and rambles off all sorts of technical details about the ship they're on. The type of ship is a called a "firefly" -- hence the show's title.
This is Captain Johnny's cue to wander in and marvel that River remembers more details about the ship than he does. She's got creepy powers, you know, because she was experimented on. That's what happens you get strapped to a chair and get needles stuck into you in sci-fi shows: you develop powers. Captain Johnny heads over to the sink to clean out a wound on his hand. Simon asks him if he needs a "weave," but Captain Johnny declines. Simon worries that the fight may have drawn the attention of the Alliance. Captain Johnny assures him that it didn't. As Captain Johnny leaves again, River looks at him and mutters, "Mal. Bad. In the Latin." See, that's because Captain Johnny's name is Mal, even though nobody has called him that yet in the show. This was no doubt intended to show off River's "powers," but if I didn't already know the guy's name was Mal, the line wouldn't make any sense at all. Actually, knowing that the captain's name is Mal doesn't make River's mutterings any less nonsensical.
Mal's stop on this ship-wide tour of as-yet-unseen supporting characters is a visit with a man with the ridiculous name of Shepherd Book, hanging out in some alcove to the medical bay that is decorated much like the common area in a college's "student center." Book, played by Ron Glass, is a preacher of some sort and seems to be the show's "mystical Negro," based on just this first episode. I don't know whether "Shepherd" is his title or his first name. If it's not, I'm going to guess that his first name is Anvil. For now, though, Book has snatched the exposition baton handed to him by Simon and proceeds to run with it. He tells Mal that Simon is really brave, because he gave up everything (including a cushy job with the Alliance) in order to free his sister (River -- so they're related) from the Academy's evil clutches. Mal sarcastically calls Simon his hero. I'm sure Mal already knows all this, so this exposition is even more awkward than it usually is and makes Book sound like he's trying to convince Mal to ask Simon out on a date. Book exposits further that not many ship captains would be willing to take on Simon and River as passengers, and asks Mal why he agreed. Mal says he needed the money. Book points out that they make much more money from the "jobs" the crew takes. I'm trying to figure out if there's anything they could do to make this relay race of exposition any more awkward. I know -- let's have Book repeat some exposition that we've already heard. Book reminds Mal that the Alliance is going to want River back and will come looking for her. Yes, we know. That's why Simon and River are on the ship in the first place. We established that ten seconds ago. Book asks Mal why he's risking the attention of the Alliance. Mal responds that it's the right thing to do.
Mal wanders around the ship with Book on his heels, and freaks out when he wanders into an engine room and sees what I presume to be a huge mess. The ship isn't exactly a display case at Tiffany as it stands, so I'm not sure why I'm supposed to think this isn't how it usually looks. Mal shouts out "Kaylee," which is the name of our Pretty Geek Girl, and wanders back down a hallway. Book still isn't done with his leg of the exposition relay, and blathers on about Mal's motives. Mal turns the tables and blathers on about Book's motives. Book suggests that he may want to bring God into the lives of Mal and his merry band of outlaws, but Mal shoots him down. Yes, Mal is the hard-bitten cynic who is secretly a soft-hearted idealist. They always are.
Cut to some dimly lit room where classical music is playing. There's Kaylee, with an elegant woman sitting behind her, brushing her hair. The woman compliments Kaylee's hair and suggests that Simon likes it, too. Kaylee looks briefly excited at the prospect of totally barking up the wrong tree, and the two women blah blah blah about making over Kaylee. Yes, she's the pretty geek girl who could land herself a man as soon as she conforms to his expectations of female beauty. It's a timeless love story. Or something.
Now we come to the part where we find out that Elegant Woman is a space hooker. The camera pans across the bordello-like accoutrements of the woman's quarters -- everything is red, of course -- as Kaylee asks her questions about "clients." Do you brush their hair? Do you have to service ugly people? Elegant Woman explains that according to "guild law," she gets to choose her clients. Don't prostitutes normally get to choose their clients, guild law or no? And…guild? I'm seeing this show's concept as less a vision of the future than an alternate universe. Elegant Woman blathers on about feeling a potential client's energy or aura or whatever bullshit nonsense she's resorting to to deny that she chooses her clients on the basis of whether or not they turn her on. Mal suddenly wanders in to mock Elegant Woman's bullshit nonsense and suggest that the "aura" she's looking for originates from the client's credit account. There's some "witty" banter revolving around Elegant Woman's demand that Mal not just barge into her shuttle. Mal explains that he's there for Kaylee, and asks her what's going on in the engine room: "Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?" Kaylee gives some blah blah technobabble blah blah ship barely holding together blah blah blah explanation. Mal orders her to go clean her (engine) room if she wants to play with the space hooker. Kaylee mutters something in Chinese under her breath as she leaves, pouting.
After Kaylee's gone, Mal asks Elegant Woman if she's "servicing the crew" now. She responds, "In your lonely, pathetic dreams." So we've got our sexual tension. Except that at the moment, these two have about as much spark as you would get from banging two fish sticks together. Mal must have picked up the exposition baton from Book before he headed over, because now he and Elegant Woman engage in more "witty" "banter" to drive home the point to us that Elegant Woman is a space hooker. Mal informs her that they have a gig doing something for a guy named Niska. He orders her to stay confined to the ship for the duration of the job. Elegant Woman assumes that Mal is ashamed to be seen with an "official companion." But actually, this Niska guy has a bad rep and Mal's worried for Elegant Woman's safety. See, the soft-hearted, hard-bitten cynic cares for the hooker with a heart of gold. They always do. There's more witty banter and attempts at longing looks. Still no chemistry.
Cut to a space station. Creepy, foreboding music plays as Mal, Jayne, and Sydney's Nemesis are led down a hall to a room. They're greeted by a large, shirtless man with the requisite facial tattoo of bad-assity. They are invited in by an elderly man in a suit with a ridiculously exaggerated Russian/Eastern European accent. The guy makes Dennis Hopper sound like Meryl Streep. Or something like that. Everybody is introduced. We finally learn that Sydney's Nemesis is actually Mal's first mate, Zoe. The guy with the facial tattoo of bad-assity is named Crow. The elderly man is, of course, Niska. Clearly, the concept behind Niska is "seemingly innocent, grandfatherly man who is really an evil, murderous psychopath." Unfortunately, Niska is such a broad stereotype of a Russian mob boss with comically broken English that I can't even begin to take him seriously as a villain.
Down to business. Niska has a job for our intrepid anti-heroes. It's a train heist. Niska asks them if they want to know what it is they'll be stealing before they accept. Mal declines the details, because he's just a mercenary who does whatever pays. Remember that for later. Niska is pleased, and blathers on about reputations and gossip and blah blah blah. Niska knows that he's a Very Bad Man. He knows that everybody else knows that he's a Very Bad Man. He wants them to know. Why else would he be a Very Bad Man? By way of proof, he orders Crow to slide open a door in the office, revealing a slightly bloody corpse of a man hanging upside-down. So now our anti-heroes know that the gossip is true. Niska explains that this guy was his nephew and failed to complete a "job" for him. Niska blathers on some more about reputation and gossip and blah evil blah. Our anti-heroes look slightly uncomfortable at this turn of events, because they are cynical thieves with hearts of gold, not stone-cold killers. Niska heads back to his desk to explain the details about the train. He's got what appears to be a monitor stuck flat on the surface of the desk where the rest of us have calendars. He explains (as the monitor illustrates) that he wants the crew to steal two boxes of Alliance goods for him. The theft will take place while this train is between Hancock and Paradiso, and then they will rendezvous with Crow for the delivery. They get half the money up front, the other half once they drop the goods. Seems like a simple job, so everybody who has ever watched television before knows that it's going to go terribly awry.
Cut to the shot of the train in question, a high-speed, anti-gravity vehicle that zooms across some random desert over a single track. Despite the high-tech exterior of the train, the inside is as dusty and dismal as a cattle car. This is starting to get a little ridiculous. The inside of the train is lit with cheesy little lanterns that you see in Chinese restaurants. You know, I get the idea that Joss didn't want create a totally Anglicized vision of the future like so many sci-fi shows do, but these Asian touches are actually more like an Anglicized vision of Eastern cultures, not a realistic blending of the two worlds. A barmaid dressed like a geisha girl here, a fringed lantern there -- it doesn't really add up to much. Mal and Zoe sit in a couple of seats, synchronizing their space watches and what have you. As they make their way through the train to the storage car, Zoe reiterates for us that Niska is a Very Bad Man. We know. We were there, too. We actually don't need this exposition, but thanks anyway. The two of them leave their train car and enter the one. They're stopped short to discover that the train is full of Alliance guards in body armor. Oops. You know, if these guys were actually any good at this, they would have, oh, I don't know -- paid attention when passengers were boarding the train so they'd know what to expect. But where would the drama be in that?
Commercials. We return back to the ship, where Book is reading his...book. God, that's going to drive me crazy. I just know it. He's sitting at some common dining area that is so very faux-rustic. That's what drives me crazy about the Western stuff. It's like it's not really necessary; it's just really, really trendy in the future. Elegant Woman wanders in wearing faux-Oriental robes and greets Book. He stands up politely to greet her, and asks her how she thinks the crew's gig is going. She's sure things are going fine. Book passes Elegant Woman -- oh, fuck it, her name is Inara -- the exposition baton and asks her how long she's known Mal. She explains that she's been traveling with the ship for eight months, but adds that she's not sure she'll ever "actually know" Mal. Book is surprised that a "respectable companion" would sail with this rowdy crew. Inara exposits that they take on plenty of legitimate gigs as well, so it's not always so risky. Book says that he wishes he could help, but then flaps around to explain that he doesn't want to help the anti-heroes do illegal things. He just wants to be helpful in some way. Inara suggests that Book pray the anti-heroes return safely. Book points out that Mal isn't much for the whole God thing. Inara suggests that he not tell Mal that he prays for him, adding, "I never do." Inara's in lurrrrve. She wants to make an honest man out of Mal. Or she wants Mal to make an honest woman out of her. Or both. Or possibly neither. Who knows?
Back on the train, Zoe and Mal make their way through the car full of soldiers. In the car, full of normal poor people, Zoe asks Mal if perhaps there's something important they haven't been told that might explain why all the soldiers are there. Mal insists that the soldiers aren't their concern. Zoe worries that it's a potential problem. Mal points out that they're not protecting the goods, or else they wouldn't be letting passengers through the car. Zoe worries some more. Mal thinks soldiers make the heist more fun. Zoe says, "Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain missing." I find it amusing that Zoe is just as snarky as the rest of the crew, but she always calls Mal "Sir." She's Marcie to Mal's Peppermint Patty. Now there's an image. Mal is all excited at the idea of pulling off a heist with twenty Alliance soldiers on board, and insists he'd do it for free. Zoe asks if she can have his share of the money. Mal says no. She asks if she can have Mal's share of the money if he gets killed. Mal says yes. Outside, we see the ship pacing the train about a hundred yards away. And this wouldn't make anybody suspicious?
Back on the ship, Kaylee fiddles with the hatch in the storage bay. Simon wanders in, wearing a different vest ensemble, to see what's going on. Kaylee smiles and plays it cool but perky, as she explains that they're doing "crime." Really. Simon tries to play it nonchalant, like he's been witnessing train heists ever since he was a lad on Daddy's knee. Kaylee explains the plan to him: Zoe and Mal sneak into the cargo section; Jayne is then lowered onto the top of the car from the ship; then the three of them bundle up the goods, and everything (and everybody) is hauled back up onto the ship. Simon asks if they've done this before. Despite what our anti-heroes may have told Niska, Kaylee reveals that this is their first train heist. She's confident it will all work out, though. And then she says something in Chinese. I think they use Chinese as a way to get expletives on the show. How silly. Simon asks if there's anything he can do to help. Jayne wanders in and growls at Simon to "stay the hell out of everybody's way." Jayne then gets all Al Haig and insists that he's in charge when the captain's gone. He warns Simon not to think that he's part of the crew just because Mal brought him on as a medic, and tells him to focus on figuring out what the hell is wrong with his "moon-brained sister." The camera pans up to show us that River is sitting up on a walkway above them all, listening to the whole exchange. Chastened, Simon takes his leave.
After Simon's gone, Kaylee tells Jayne that he shouldn't be so mean to him. Jayne asks, "Why? Because he's all rich and fancible?" How am I supposed to maintain my love for Adam Baldwin when they make him say things like "fancible"? Kaylee has managed to grab the exposition baton somehow, and explains that the Alliance froze all of Simon's money when he freed his sister and escaped. Jayne snatches the exposition baton from her to point out that they could all get rich if they gave her back -- for a reward, I'm assuming. Kaylee is horrified at the idea. Jayne insists that Mal is thinking about it, because he wouldn't take on a risk like Simon and River if there weren't a potential profit in it. In case you all had forgotten, or had fallen asleep from boredom, we see that River is still sitting up on the catwalk, hearing all this. Jayne puts on a hat with a goofy-looking earflap-chinstrap combination and gives the promo-friendly line, "Time for some thrilling heroics." Don't you mean anti-heroics?
Back on the train, Zoe and Mal get access to the cargo car with a keycard. And, of course, back in the soldier car, one of the men gets up and heads back there for some unidentified reason. Zoe puts a canister in the doorway as Mal heads back to remove part of the roof with a cordless electric screwdriver. Yeah, I don't get that part, but I don't know jack about trains. You'd figure that if they used a crane to load cargo, there would be an actual hatch. And if they didn't use a crane, then why would there be removable panel at all? And if it were an emergency hatch, it certainly wouldn't be screwed on. And why did Scratchy's rib-cage xylophone play two different notes, even though Itchy clearly hit the same rib twice? Zoe searches through the train and finds the two crates that belong to the Alliance. The ship soars along directly above the train, drawing the attention of absolutely nobody.
In the storage bay, Jayne puts on the rest of his protective gear and goggles, attaches himself to the hoisting wire, and, after a countdown to Kaylee, jumps through the hatch on the ship down directly onto the roof of the cargo car. He fights the wind resistance and crawls toward the opening Zoe and Mal have made by removing the ceiling panel. In the train car, that soldier who left his companions earlier appears to be socializing with some commoners for an unknown reason (maybe he's a nice Alliance soldier?), and is drawn to the sounds coming from the storage car. He cocks his machine gun and heads in their direction. Back in the storage car, Jayne pulls himself through the hole, and the three anti-heroes attach the cargo to the ship's winch.
Just then, the soldier arrives at the door, and apparently the canister that Zoe placed earlier was some sort of gas-grenade trap. It goes off when he slides open the door, distracting him and informing the anti-heroes that the jig is up. The guard opens fire through the gas, and manages to hit Jayne in the leg because he's standing on top of the cargo. Mal and Zoe duck down and avoid the fire, and order Jayne to have the cargo (and himself) pulled up immediately. I know a couple of posters have wondered why Mal and Zoe didn't jump on as well and ride off, but the gas was clearly only a momentary distraction. The two of them had to stay behind to take out the guard, because otherwise all three of them would get their asses shot off while trying to ride the cargo back to the ship. Mal knocks out the guard as Jayne and the ship make their escape. Then Mal and Zoe toss a couple of smoke grenades into the passenger car as the other soldiers begin to enter the other side; they use the distraction to sneak into a couple of seats to pretend they're just innocent bystanders as well. Back on the ship, Kaylee freaks out because Jayne is alone, while Jayne bitches about getting his "gorram" leg shot as he falls to the floor. Great. Made-up expletives. Excuse me for pointing out that since humans still believe in God in the twenty-sixth century, I can't imagine why they wouldn't still be saying "goddamned."
We cut to the dirty, grubby, poverty-stricken mining town of Paradiso, where the Alliance soldiers are overseeing the arrival and unloading of the passengers. Mal and Zoe wander among them, eavesdropping on a man ordering an investigation to find out what was stolen. It turns out that the crates were full of medicine that the town had been waiting for. Mal and Zoe look concerned, wondering why a psychotic mob boss who would kill his own relatives just for disappointing him would ever stoop so low as to steal medicine. There are lines, and then there are lines. Mal mutters, "Son of a bitch." This is what you get when you don't ask questions, "anti-hero."
Commercials. We return to the looming Alliance base. You know, I can see the appeal of living in poverty on the fringes of society if the alternative is to go around dressed like a bellboy. That appears to be the official uniform of the Alliance drones, as they buzz around some command center. A drone fills in the head bellboy about the theft of the medicine. The planet, by the way, is located in the "Georgia System." Do you get it? Do you? Do you? The medicine is something called Pescaline D. Head Bellboy exposits that it will be worth a lot of money on the black market. He orders the drone to tell the local authorities to handle it. The drone points out that there is a regiment of soldiers who were on the train at the time, on their way out to some installation. So it wasn't even an unusual event that there were soldiers on the train? Our anti-heroes aren't exactly burdened with an abundance of over-education, either, are they? Head Bellboy orders that the soldiers get back on the train and get it moving again. Drone explains that the local sheriff has asked for the soldiers' help in recovering the medicine. Head Bellboy doesn't care. Small-town sheriffs are lousy tippers. They can deal with their own problems.
Meanwhile, the ship -- oh, fuck it again; the ship is named Serenity -- has landed somewhere other than the appropriate rendezvous point. We know this because Jayne is sitting in the medical bay, having a fit about it while Simon tries to treat his wounds. Everybody is there. Wash and Jayne argue. Wash doesn't want to go anywhere until he recovers his wife. Jayne points out that Niska isn't known for his patience. Jayne tries to get up to leave, but he's still in too much pain and Simon hasn't stopped fondling him. Or treating him. Whichever. Simon goes through some medical supplies and worries out loud that the Alliance will find them when they look for the stolen goods. Wash assures him that they'll be able to hear any Alliance ships coming long before they get there. River decides to disrupt the flow of the argument with some of her nonsense. She starts sing-songing, "They won't stop…won't stop…they'll just keep coming until they get what you took. Two by two…hands of blue…two by two…hands of blue." Jayne speaks for the viewers by spitting out, "How's about you shut that crazy mouth? Is that a fun game?" I'll put up with River as long as they keep Jayne around to tell her to shut up for me. Jayne Al Haigs some more that "[he's] in rutting charge." "Rutting"? Frell that. I don't know about the rest of you, but I intend to do my part to make sure the verb "to fuck" and all of its conjugations remains in our vocabulary for as long as possible. Jayne tells the gathered folks that Niska will turn them all into "meat pies" if they don't make the rendezvous. Simon heads back to Jayne and injects something into his arm as Book points out that Niska will be expecting the captain, and there may be bad consequences if Niska finds out that Mal is being held and could reveal who hired him. Book suggests that it would be better to be a little late than the alternative.
Back on Paradiso (oh, the irony), folks are gathered around in a dank hall, sputtering and coughing and being all sick. Mal and Zoe sit on a bench and watch everybody being sick. Mal calls it a nightmare. Zoe points out that there's no evidence that they were involved, but that's not what he means. Because he's a soft-hearted, hard-bitten cynic with a heart of gold. He tells Zoe, "No matter what happens, remember that I love you?" Zoe looks at him in confusion and asks, "Sir?" See, this was Mal's clever way of telling Zoe to pretend that they're a married couple. Zoe responds, "Right. Sir. Honey."
Eventually, the man who was overseeing things at the train station comes over to greet them. Zoe and Mal pretend they don't know what's going on. He brings them over to his desk for an interview. They pretend that they're newlyweds, and that Mal's uncle paid for the tickets for them to come to Paradiso to look for work. This guy, by the way, is the local sheriff. Mal overplays his hand and mentions that his "uncle" told him that he knew one Joey Bloggs, who may have an opening. They chat some more. Mal asks him about all the sick people. The sheriff explains that there's been an outbreak of Contrivance. The symptoms include weak characterizations, spotty plotting, and sucking holes of predictability. Actually, there's a degenerative disease called Bowden's Malady, which affects the townsfolk of Paradiso because of some technobabble involving the local mines. The medicine that our anti-heroes stole is the treatment for the sickness. Mal points out that there were Alliance soldiers on the train as well. The sheriff bitterly tells them that the soldiers left without helping them recover the drugs. Mal takes the opportunity to badmouth the Alliance. Sheriff agrees that the Alliance isn't much use out here in the hinterplanets, but points out that they're not the ones who stole the medicine, and when he gets his hands on the ones who did, he's going to seal them in the mines. The sheriff asks Mal when he last talked to Mr. Bloggs. Recognizing the trap, Mal explains his uncle did all the talking. The sheriff reveals that Bloggs committed suicide eight months ago. Without missing a beat, Mal asks if Bloggs's position is open.
Back on Serenity, it's Jayne vs. everybody, Round II. He limps his way up to the cockpit and insists that they're going to take off without Zoe and Mal. Wash refuses. Jayne tells him, "You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who's in rutting command here." Ooh, kinky. Do they have to call you "Daddy," too? Jayne insists that they have to drop off the cargo; then they can come back and try to get Zoe and Mal. He adds, "We can't change that by getting…all…bendy…" Everybody looks confused, including Jayne. He starts babbling about lights on the consoles and how they "shine like little angels" as he tries to grasp at invisible things in the air. Then he collapses with a heavy thud. Wash: "Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?" Kaylee realizes that Simon doped up Jayne when he was tending his wounds. Simon apologetically explains that he didn't feel comfortable with Jayne in charge; he hopes that everybody's okay with that. The remaining crewmembers brainstorm in order to find a way to get Zoe and Mal out. Kaylee points out that they can't just waltz in and get them. Book points out that somebody "respectable" might be able to.
And what's more respectable than a guild-approved space hooker? The Sitar Of Poorly Planned Gender Role Subversion plays as Inara walks into the sheriff's office in a cleavage-enhancing red faux-Oriental dress. Mal stands up and is about to ask Inara what she's doing there when she slaps him hard across the face and warns him not to say another word. Inara pretends that Mal and Zoe had tried to steal money from her and were only posing as a newlywed couple to escape attention. Inara explains that Mal is her "indentured man" with three years left on his "debt." So hookers can have slaves? How enlightened. Inara notices that everybody in the office is staring at her. The sheriff apologizes because they don't get "registered companions" out here in Paradiso. They just have to muddle through by getting to know each other and falling in love or maybe just getting drunk and all that troublesome nonsense. Inara offers to take Mal and Zoe off his hands, unless there was some other problem. The sheriff mentions that there was a problem with the Mal's story, but of course, Inara's lie covers their lie, so everything's okay.
Inara's shuttle returns to Serenity, and there are greetings all around. Wash gives Zoe a big hug. Jayne is lying on the one of the landings of the stairwell, semi-conscious. Kaylee explains that they tried to get him to the infirmary, but he was too heavy. Wash says that the ship is ready to go, but Mal has changed the plans. They're giving the medicine back. See, people need it, so they're going to give it to them. I guess they normally steal things that nobody wants. No wonder life is so hard for them. It's not easy being a soft-hearted, hard-bitten cynic with a heart of gold. Believe me, I know. Through partially paralyzed lips, Jayne expresses surprise that they're giving it back, and lies that he waited for them. Wash asks about Niska. Mal says they'll give the money back to Niska and explain and everything will be fine, because apparently Zoe wasn't joking when she told Mal he had a problem with his brain being missing. Wash informs Mal that they're about to get the opportunity to explain everything right now; Crow and his crew and his bad-ass tattoo have just found them.
Commercials. When we return, Crow and his crew and his bad-ass tattoo stride up the loading ramp into the ship. Crow holds a big, oddly shaped knife. He asks them why they aren't at the planned rendezvous point. Mal says they hit some complications. Crow suggests they were planning to hightail it with Niska's merchandise. Mal insists that he wasn't. He does, however, attempt to cancel the deal, telling Crow that they've changed their minds. Crow's not having it. He wants the medicine. Mal tries to offer the money back and wants to call it even. Crow says that there is no "even." Mal asks, "Is that right?" Crow's response is to throw his knife into Mal's shoulder. Ouch. That's the first thing in this incredibly predictable episode that surprised me. The other men draw guns and open fire. Zoe does as well, and immediately takes a man down. Inara pulls Kaylee away from the gun battle as Mal fights with Crow. A man tries to rush Zoe, and she knocks him out with the butt of her gun. Wash sneaks over to an ATV. Mal and Crow fight some more. Wash peels off in the ATV and knocks out another of Crow's crew. Crow and Mal fight some more. Crow knocks Mal down and is prepares to finish him off when a gunshot rings out and hits Crow in the leg. Crow goes down. Mal looks up to the stairway and says, "Nice shot." Half-paralyzed Jayne (he looks like a stroke victim here) holds a gun and drawls, "I was aiming for his head."
Out on a dirt road, Zoe and Mal drive the cargo back toward Paradiso with the help of an ATV. They stop and plan to drag the medicine the rest of the way to a spot near the town, and inform the sheriff once they make it out to space. But out of the darkness, the sheriff's voice says, "Why don't you tell him in person?" See, he figured it all out because…well, because. Zoe and Mal are surrounded by armed townsfolk. A woman looks over the medicine and determines that nothing is missing. The sheriff gives a vague speech about the fact that he understands that times are tough, and he realizes that Mal took this job without knowing all the details. Once he found out the details, he made the choice to do the right thing. Then he lets Mal and Zoe go. Because, like them, the sheriff is a soft-hearted, hard-bitten cynic with a heart of gold.
Back at the ship, Crow is foaming at the mouth and giving looks that kill to everybody within eyesight. Mal has him chained down on his knees; he waves the money at Crow and tells him he needs to explain to Niska that they didn't steal anything that was his, and that they're going to stay out of his way from now on and they expect him to do the same. Not that I'm on Niska's side here, but even though they didn't take anything that Niska wanted, they actively prevented him from receiving it, so I can see why Crow and Niska wouldn't see things as being "even." Crow makes his way back onto his feet and starts up a big rant, telling Mal to keep the money to buy a funeral because he and Niska aren't going to let this go and they're going to hunt him down and blah blah blah.
And then Mal kicks Crow in the direction of one of the ship's turbines, which sucks him in, killing him instantly. Whoa. That's the second (and the last) thing in the episode that surprised me. After witnessing Mal's seriously watered-down version of an anti-hero for the whole hour, I didn't think he actually had the stones do anything like that. Zoe drags up one of Crow's crew, who is more than happy to take the money and return to Niska and say nothing but lovely things about Mal and his crew if it means he doesn't get sucked into a turbine.
The Fiddle Of Transitional Foreshadowing plays as the ship takes off from the planet. In the sick bay, Simon sews up Mal's wounds. Mal compliments Simon's ingenuity in doping up Jayne, but warns him that he hasn't exactly made a friend for life. Simon says he'll "deal with [Jayne]." I wonder what that will involve, and find my mind wandering far, far off into slashfic land. Mal asks how River's doing. Simon says she hasn't improved. Sometimes she's cogent; sometimes she babbles. I vote that they only show her when she's cogent. But no, as Simon explains that he has no idea what the Academy was trying to do to River or whether or not they were successful, we pan over to a tiny sleeping quarters, where River is cowering to the bed, muttering, "Two by two, hands of blue," over and over again.
We cut to the Alliance base, where the Head Bellboy is meeting with two Men In Black. The Head Bellboy apologizes for keeping them waiting. The men explain that they've flown all the way out to the base because of the recent theft. They're looking for a girl. And as one of the men slides a picture of River across the meeting table, we see that he's wearing blue gloves on his hands. Both men are. That would have been shocking if…no, that would have never been shocking.
week: A salvage mission doesn't go as planned. Do they ever?