Previously on Felicity: Felicity told Noel that Ben got Lauren pregnant; Lauren's moving to Arizona, and Ben might go with her. Ben asked Felicity to go to Arizona with him, but she said she can't because she's just starting to figure out what she's going to do with her life. Ben told Lauren that, legally, he could try to make her stay in New York City, and that she needs to take him into account when making decisions about the baby.
Ben shows Sean a picture of his baby from an ultrasound. Sean thinks it looks just like Ben because it has a "big nose, squinty eyes." Ben points out that Sean isn't even looking at the baby's head. I'm with you, Sean. I can never tell what the hell I'm looking at until about the eighth month. Basically, I'm Rachel Green. Sean asks whether the fact that Ben has a picture means that he and Lauren are getting along, and whether Lauren is still going to Arizona. Ben says that she hasn't decided yet. Sean tells Ben that he needs to get a lawyer. Yes! He definitely does. Just get one on retainer; even if things go swimmingly from here on out (which you know they won't), they should get their visitation agreement in writing. At the very lease, they should get a mediator or something. Ben doesn't want to get a lawyer. Sean says that the baby is as much Ben's as Lauren's. Sean starts baby-talking to the picture. Ben looks disgusted and says that Sean really scares him. Sean tells Ben to shut up because he's bonding with the baby. I hope this doesn't mean that Meghan is going to get pregnant before the show ends. Sean continues to talk to the picture while Ben looks disgusted and frightened.
Felicity walks in and asks what they are doing. Sean looks uncomfortable and says, "Nothing." Ben explains that Lauren gave him an ultrasound picture. Felicity asks, "Of the baby?" No, of her gall bladder. Sean tells Felicity to check it out. Ben says she doesn't have to, but Felicity wants to. Sean points out all of the baby's parts, including "that thing between the legs there." Ben admits that Lauren told him that the baby is a boy. Felicity is amazed and smiles. Sean suggests that "Sean" is a great name, and that a kid named "Sean Covington" would really go places. Felicity, looking somewhat conflicted, says, "Congratulations."
I don't need a new version of me, but I'm starting to think that I'd like to see a new version of the final episodes of this series.
Meghan sits at Felicity's desk, loudly typing on a laptop. Felicity sits on her bed, looking through various books and acting annoyed by Meghan's loud typing. Finally, Felicity asks Meghan to "type a little softer," but Meghan refuses. Felicity finally asks what page Meghan is on, and Meghan says that she's on page twenty-four. Felicity says that she hasn't even picked a topic yet. Meghan is shocked, since the paper is due the day. Felicity says she she's had a lot going on, then realizes that she hasn't told Meghan about Ben and Lauren, so she amends her statement to say that she's referring to her architecture project and her studio work. Meghan says that she knows about Ben and Lauren, and says that she wouldn't want to work on her thirty-page Art History paper either, if she knew that she was going to lose her boyfriend "to some boozy hag in Arizona." Heh. I have to wonder why Meghan (a Psychology major) and Felicity (an Art major) are in the same Art History class. I'd think Felicity would be more advanced than that in the last semester of her senior year. But given the many academic oddities throughout this series, I'm just going to let it go. Felicity says that she's not going to lose her boyfriend, and that Lauren doesn't drink anymore. Meghan tells her to forget it, and starts noisily typing again. Felicity tries to go back to work, but then asks if Meghan heard about the ultrasound. Meghan did. Felicity says that when Ben was looking at it, she could feel him drifting away. Meghan apologizes for what she said and assures Felicity that Ben isn't going anywhere. Felicity knows that Ben says that, but she wonders what will happen when the baby is actually born and Ben has a son. Meghan suggests that Felicity take an Incomplete on the paper and do it over the summer. Felicity says that she can't, because she needs the class to graduate. So graduate in August! What's the big deal? Meghan advises Felicity to go to the dissertation section of the library and copy a paper on art history, because her friend Earl does it all the time. Is this the same friend Earl that she dissed at the Fetish Ball? Because I don't think that he is in any way someone to emulate. ["On the other hand, he's probably so busy building gadgets for SD-6 that he has a hard time keeping up with his course work." -- Wing Chun] Felicity doesn't want to do that, and says that she'll figure something out. Meghan knows that Felicity will, and she'll probably get an A on it too, which is why Meghan thinks that Felicity is "so annoying." Seriously? Felicity should just pull an all-nighter and write the stupid paper. Thirty pages in one night is not unheard of. I mean, we can assume that she's done well in the class thus far and even if she gets a D or an F on the paper, she'll still pass. Right? Or, ask for an extension.
Sean walks into Noel's office with the news that he just nailed the Bowers account. Plus, Sean got the only Pop-Tarts left in the kitchen. Noel looks upset, and Sean asks why. Noel got a note saying that Mr. Webb wants to meet with him. Noel thinks it must be about his relationship with Zoe. It couldn't possibly be about work, right? Noel wonders what he should say. Sean introduces his four-point plan: FEPS. F stands for firm handshake. He demonstrates. E is for eye contract. Again, the demonstration. P is for Power First. Sean makes a fist at about shoulder height, which he claims shows enthusiasm. And finally, S is for the Solidarity Squeeze, a squeeze on the shoulder, because there's nothing wrong with a little human contact. Sean claims that FEPS landed the Bowers account. Noel's phone rings, and he is called to Mr. Webb's office. Sean reminds Noel about FEPS and wants to see Noel do a power fist. Noel doesn't want to do it, but finally demonstrates the weakest power fist ever. Sean is disgusted, and demonstrates the proper technique. Noel complies and leaves, and Sean says that it's hopeless.
Javier stands in his apartment, dressed in tennis whites and holding a racket. Rita promises that Javier looks very handsome, and that he's sure to find a boyfriend at the courts. Javier says that the guy in the shop claimed tennis is all about form, but Javier is really just concerned with finding a nice guy so that it will be "game, set, and match made in heaven." Rita thinks that tennis is a great way to meet someone. Javier suggests that they play tennis together, so that they will both meet someone. Rita confesses that she met a dental hygienist named Michael. Javier asks if it's serious, and Rita says that it hasn't gotten physical yet, but that she really likes him. Javier is happy for her, sort of. Rita asks what is the matter. Javier says, "I just want to be loved, too." Aw. Poor Javier. Rita promises that Javier will find someone, too. Javier is comforted. Rita suggests bringing Michael by Dean & Deluca so that Javier can meet him. Javier thinks that sounds great, but first he wants to show Rita the rest of his outfits. Rita can't believe that there are more. Javier says, "Honey, please." Seriously? I don't give a shit about Rita and her stupid boyfriend. Where's Elena? Richard? Anyone else besides Rita?
Noel meets with Mr. Webb. Before Mr. Webb can get a word out, Noel starts off on an explanation to the effect that his relationship with Zoe won't interfere with their work, and that he knows about her last relationship, and he promises he won't hurt her. Noel adds a power fist at the end. To the surprise of no one, Mr. Webb didn't call Noel in to discuss Zoe. The problem is Sean. Noel heard that Sean nailed the Bowers account. Mr. Webb tells Noel that Bowers is leaving because of Sean. Noel can't believe it, because Sean has so much enthusiasm. Mr. Webb says that enthusiasm is all Sean has, and that he's all instinct and no skill, and "his instincts -- they are not good." Mr. Webb complains that Sean only has one setting -- full speed ahead. Noel doesn't know what to say, because Sean is his partner, and they're a team. Mr. Webb wants Noel to take a more supervisory position, starting with their presentation the day. Noel agrees. Mr. Webb says that he's having the conversation with Noel because if he has it with Sean, it will mean that Sean is fired. Noel looks sad.
Javier works at Dean & Deluca. Hey! It's Elena! She asks for another cup of coffee. Javier asks if she knows any single gay guys. Elena has to think about it. Rita walks in with Michael and introduces him to Javier and Elena. Javier's smile looks pasted on. Michael says he's always looking for a new doubles partner if Javier is interested. Javier gives a big fake laugh and asks Elena to help him unload some coffee in the back. Elena protests that she doesn't work there. Javier tells Michael and Rita to have a seat, and then drags Elena into the back room.
Elena asks what's going on. Javier explains that he knows Michael, because he used to date Javier's friend Andy. Elena doesn't get it. Javier explains that Andy is a guy. So couldn't Michael be bisexual? Javier wonders if he should tell Rita about this. Elena urges him to stay out of it.
Felicity pounds on her laptop keyboard in frustration and complains to Ben that every time she tries to get online, her computer crashes. Ben asks to give it a try, and Felicity gives up her seat. Felicity tells him to go to guggenheim.edu (not a real site, by the way, and I don't know why they wouldn't use the real site, which is guggenheim.org), because they have information on Georgia O'Keeffe. The computer crashes. Felicity says that she's never going to get her paper done. Ben promises that she will, and then the phone rings. I'm surprised that these college students can afford broadband internet access. It's clearly Lauren on the phone, and she has just told Ben that she wants to take a Lamaze class. Ben agrees to go with her. He hangs up and apologizes to Felicity, who smiles and asks if Ben is going to do Lamaze. Ben says that he wants to participate more so that Lauren won't move away, at his father's suggestion. Ben wants to talk more about it. Felicity says that it's okay, and that she's just stressed out about her paper. She decides to go to the library. What a novel concept! She runs out of there like there's a fire or something, except this time Noel isn't around to save her. Ben kind of rolls his eyes, but realizes that the time isn't right for a big discussion.
Felicity arrives at the library and asks the library worker where the dissertation section is. He won't tell her at first, which is really dumb, because he would be so fired for that. Or should be. Felicity says she wants to take a look at a friend's dissertation. The library clerk is silent, and Felicity just keeps talking until the clerk tells her that the dissertations are on the sixth floor, in the back. Felicity heads up there, walking right by a shaggy guy wearing headphones who is eating Chinese food. I don't know what that was about. Felicity looks through the various dissertations. I don't know why she couldn't just look at them on microfilm. She finds one she likes, then sits on the floor and takes notes on it. Is she hand-copying the whole thing? Oh, then she's making actual copies on a copy machine, while glancing around to make sure that no one sees her. Finally, she starts typing on her laptop. She throws away a can, and when the camera pans back up to her, it's daylight out, and her printer is churning out page after page as she reads through her work.
Felicity sits in class. Meghan walks in and expresses amazement that Felicity finished her paper. Felicity says that her paper isn't that good. Meghan complains that Felicity will be an A and she will get a C. Felicity is sure she won't get an A. Meghan notices that Felicity wrote about Monet, and says that she thought Felicity was going to write about Georgia O'Keeffe. Felicity says that she changed her mind. Professor Carnes walks in (and she's played by Jane Lynch, who I know best as Christy Cummings from Best in Show, or you may remember her as Pacey's mom) and collects the papers. Felicity nearly doesn't hand hers in, but then does. And then she looks conflicted. This is such a dumb storyline. Do the writers not remember when Ben almost got kicked out of school for plagiarism? And Felicity felt terrible? Didn't she learn a lesson there? Are they even going to mention that? Ugh.
Felicity sits in the loft, rubbing her forehead. Ben walks in and sighs heavily. Felicity asks him what's going on. Ben says, "Lauren's going." Felicity asks, "To Arizona?" No, to hell. Seriously. What's with the stupid questions this week? Ben explains that Lauren's boyfriend, or possibly her ex-boyfriend, is going to Arizona, so she's going to go with him. Felicity asks what Ben is going to do. Ben is thinking about going to a lawyer. Felicity is shocked. Why? He should go to a lawyer. Ben explains what Sean told him. Felicity says that she's sorry about how much this sucks. Ben says that he'll deal with it. Meghan walks in and asks Felicity if she doesn't have to go to class anymore since she finished her paper. Felicity says that she just slept in. Meghan says that the professor wants to see her. Felicity asks why. Meghan says that it's probably about the paper. Felicity doesn't think that the professor has even read them yet. Meghan informs her that the papers were handed back today. Okay. I can suspend my disbelief enough to think that Meghan is in Felicity's Art History class, and that Felicity would copy a dissertation. But that the professor turned around at least ten thirty-page papers in two days at the most? Hell, no. Meghan says that she got a B+. Ben asks if they're talking about her Art History paper. Felicity dismisses it, and then asks when Ben is going to see the lawyer. Ben says that he's going this afternoon. Felicity looks rattled, but nods.
Sean and Noel walk down the street, discussing their upcoming presentation to "the suitcase company." Sean adds that the Bowers presentation was only the day before. Wait. So, Meghan and Felicity were discussing their papers on the same day that Sean nailed the Bowers account. Then, Felicity pulled an all-nighter and handed in the paper on day two. Then, Meghan just revealed that Felicity skipped the Art History class, presumably on at least day three. And yet, Sean just said that he nailed the Bowers account "yesterday." Oops. Noel asks if he can take the lead on this presentation. Sean says that he's willing to sit back and make sure that Noel is using FEPS. Noel says that he might not use FEPS, because not every situation calls for it. Sean can't believe that. Noel just wants to read the room. Sean agrees to try it Noel's way.
Javier shows up at (ugh) Rita's house. This whole storyline is so stupid that I'm not going to spend much time on it. I'll just hit the Javier high points. Javier has developed tennis elbow. Javier has found a new guy for Rita in his tennis class who is like Warren Beatty pre-Shampoo. I wonder if an entire generation thinks that Javier is referring to Warren Beatty before he washed his hair. Rita protests that she already has Michael. Javier tells Rita that Michael is gay, and used to date his friend Andy. Rita doesn't believe it. Javier points out that Michael and Rita haven't had sex yet, and that Michael asked Javier to be his doubles partner. Rita thinks that Javier is attracted to Michael, and jealous of her relationship. Javier denies it and says that he just doesn't want Rita to get hurt. Rita gets pissed and storms out.
Felicity knocks on the bathroom door and tells Meghan that she has to talk to her. Meghan isn't having it, and Felicity insists that it's an emergency. Meghan whips open the door, wearing a bright green facial masque, and says that she has a ton of blackheads on her forehead, which is a real emergency. Felicity slips into the bathroom and admits that she copied her Art History paper. Meghan is shocked, and adds, "You're busted!" Felicity begs Meghan not to say that and starts listing off all the reasons she had to do it. Meghan tells her to calm down, and that this happened to Earl once. Felicity squeals that Meghan told her that Earl had never been caught. Meghan explains that he hasn't; before they could prove anything, he went to the library and got rid of the dissertation he copied. Yeah, that might have worked in 1960, but nowadays they generally archive copies of dissertations on microfilm and usually digitally as well, especially at a large university. Felicity suggests that it would be easier to confess. Meghan says that Felicity will be kicked out for sure if she does, and yells at her to go to the library and get the dissertation. Felicity starts to go, then turns and asks Meghan to tell her that everything is going to be okay. Meghan totally insincerely says that it will, and Felicity leaves.
Felicity walks into the sixth floor of the library. That shaggy-haired guy with the headphones and the Chinese food is still there, and totally checking her out. Felicity glances around and eases the dissertation off the shelf. Instead of just sticking it in her bag or under her coat, she walks by a garbage can and drops it in. The annoying library clerk from earlier asks what she's doing. Felicity says that she thought it was the book drop, and offers to get the book out of the garbage. She leans over and slowly picks it out while shaggy-haired earphone guy watches. When she picks it up, it's covered with Chinese food. The music throughout this scene is plucky guitars, and very light-hearted, like isn't it funny that Felicity plagiarized? It's annoying. Felicity starts to walk out with the book. The library clerk asks for it. Felicity offers to put it back. The library clerk insists. Felicity hands him the book and walks out.
Sean and Noel walk into their presentation. Sean gives the client a firm handshake and makes some obnoxious remarks. Noel starts giving the presentation. Sean takes over and starts babbling about the old suitcase commercial with the ape trying to destroy the bag. Noel interrupts and asks for a five-minute break.
Out in the hall, Sean explains that he was just trying to help, and that this is how he landed the Bowers account. Noel admits that Sean actually lost the Bowers account. Noel asks Sean to back off a little bit. Sean asks if he has to change his whole style just because one pitch didn't go well. Noel admits that his meeting with Mr. Webb was about Sean, and that if Sean doesn't change, Sean will be fired. Sean is pissed that he has to take notes on how to pitch from Webb, since Webb hasn't done a pitch in twenty years. Noel defends Webb. Sean says he knows how to do this, and Noel frustratedly yells, "But sometimes you don't!" Noel rolls out this analogy about having different tools for different jobs. Sean rolls his eyes in concert with me. Could Noel be any more condescending? I mean, he's right about Sean, but he's also being really condescending. Sean thinks that his way always works, but Noel says that it wasn't working in there. Sean thinks that Noel is maneuvering himself to get ahead of Sean, so Sean quits. Noel sighs.
Felicity goes to see Professor Carnes. She starts explaining that she didn't have a lot of time to write it, and some personal issues have overwhelmed her. Professor Carnes interrupts to say that it's fantastic and she submitted it to the UNY journal. The editorial board has to review it, but Carnes is sure that it's just a formality. Felicity is speechless. Carnes assures her that it's a great honor. Felicity manages to squeak out a "Thanks."
Felicity thinks that she's officially become a cheater. Meghan protests. Felicity points out that she cheated on Ben, and then cheated on the paper. Meghan tells Felicity not to get caught this time. Felicity freaks out that the paper will be published and everyone will see it. Meghan points out that it's being published in the UNY journal, which has a readership of ten people. Yeah, ten people who have built academic careers on their original research and would love to point out examples of plagiarism. Just ask Stephen Ambrose or Doris Kearns Goodwin. Meghan asks if Felicity at least got rid of the book, and Felicity admits that she didn't. Felicity complains that the library clerk freaks her out. When did Felicity turn into a child? Seriously. She is being a child. Meghan tells Felicity to go to Professor Carnes and ask that the paper be withdrawn. Felicity protests that it would arouse suspicion. Meghan sighs and tells Felicity that the most important thing when breaking the rules is "deny, deny, deny." Ben walks in and asks what Meghan is telling Felicity to deny. Meghan says that it's nothing. Felicity says that her Art History paper is being published. Meghan says that it's great, and Ben agrees.
Sean plays SSX on his PS2. Or it could be SSX Tricky. I don't know. Noel walks in and Sean immediately gets up and starts to leave the room. Noel thinks that they should talk about it. Sean says there's nothing to talk about it. Noel says that Sean abandoned him during the pitch, which was unprofessional. Sean thinks that Noel abandoned him way before that. Noel claims that he was protecting Sean's job. Sean informs Noel that he called Mr. Webb and quit. Noel thinks that the whole thing has been blown out of proportion, and that the only thing that is wrong is that sometimes Sean can be "a little bit overbearing." Sean isn't happy to hear this, and asks if it's Noel's opinion or Mr. Webb's. Noel has nothing to say, so Sean concludes, "That's what I thought." Sean storms out. Noel purses his lips.
Javier goes to visit Michael, the dental hygienist, in the darkest dentist's office ever. Blah blah blah. Basically, Javier manages to insinuate that Michael is gay. Then Javier says outright that Michael dated Andy. Michael denies the whole thing. The only funny part is where Javier says that if Michael hurts Rita, he will hunt him down with a posse.
Meghan and Sean get ready for bed. Meghan babbles on and on about Felicity's predicament without actually saying what the predicament is, since she promised not to tell. Sean lies on the bed, despondent. Meghan finally notices and asks what's wrong. Sean asks if Meghan thinks he's overbearing. Meghan chuckles and says, "Uh, yeah!" Sean asks if she thinks that people are put off by him. Meghan admits that Sean isn't a wallflower, and when he walks into a room, people know it. Sean grouses that now his wife agrees with everyone at work. Meghan tells Sean that she's honest, and has always been that way, and "sometimes people whine; they tell me I'm too harsh." Sean perks up and says that she can't help being that way because it's how she is. Meghan says that she can actually tone it down if she wants, but she likes being that way. Meghan tells Sean that he needs to learn when to turn it on and when to turn it off. Sean admits that he quit because he lost an account. Meghan thinks it's the stupidest thing she's ever heard because he loves his job. Sean says, "I know!" The guitars pluck. Must mean it's time for more of that hilarious plagiarism storyline.
And so it is. Meghan walks into class and asks if Felicity's told Professor Carnes to withdraw her paper. Felicity hasn't. Meghan offers to do it for her, but Felicity sucks it up and does it herself. She walks up to Professor Carnes, who was just about to call her up anyway. Felicity tells Professor Carnes to go first. Carnes says that the editorial review board had some questions about Felicity's paper, because they thought that some parts looked familiar. Of course, they did. Carnes defended Felicity to the board. Felicity says it's okay if Carnes changes her mind about publishing it. Carnes says that she supports Felicity 100%, and says that this will be cleared up in no time. Felicity hurries back to her seat. Meghan asks what happened. Felicity talks without moving her lips and tells Meghan that the editorial board knows that it's not her work. Meghan says, "Oh, crap." Hee! Ha. Hee?
Meghan walks into Felicity's room and hands her a book. Felicity realizes that it's the dissertation. Meghan admits that she stole it, and also that the library clerk is a freak. Meghan promised to go out with him in order to get by him. Felicity thanks her. Meghan asks what's wrong. Felicity says that someone from the board called and she has to meet with them to go over her references. Meghan whines that the board needs to get a clue, because everyone copies. Meghan offers to go talk to the board, because it's her fault. Felicity says that it's not. Meghan decides that it's Ben's fault, because "if he hadn't gotten this booze cruise preggers, [Felicity] would have finished this paper a long time ago." Felicity says that it's her own fault, and she's going to be forever known as the girl who got kicked out of college for copying a paper. ["Oh right. That one girl." -- Wing Chun] Meghan says that Felicity won't get kicked out, and that in a year, she won't remember it happened. First of all, she might get kicked out, and she would definitely remember that in a year. It really bothers me that the same show that made a serious dramatic storyline about Ben's plagiarism is treating Felicity's plagiarism like such a joke. Meghan doesn't think that Felicity will even remember Meghan in a year. Felicity says that they'll probably see each other every day. Meghan asks doubtfully if Felicity thinks that they'll still be friends after college. Felicity laughs and says yes. Why is she in such a good mood? Meghan was just asking, and then she calls Felicity a freak show. Felicity laughs and laughs and laughs. Ha ha! I'm not going to graduate! I'm going to get kicked out of school! That's hilarious.
Noel hangs up the phone in his office, and then Sean walks in. Sean says that he talked to Mr. Webb, and that he's coming back to work. Noel is pleased. Sean promised to change his style to be more like Noel. Noel says that they both bring different things to the table. Sean admits that Mr. Webb said that Noel was loyal to Sean, and that he knows that his style is "too big." Noel tries to deny it, but then admits that sometimes it is. Noel promises to keep Sean in check. Sean thanks him. Wow, that wrapped up quickly. Time to wrap up the other subplot.
Javier is getting on the elevator when Rita shows up. Guess what? Michael admitted that he's gay. Javier and Rita make up and agree to play tennis together. Please tell me that we will never see Rita again. Also, is Javier still taking classes?
Felicity sits on Ben's bed, looking at the ultrasound picture. Ben walks in hesitantly and asks what she's doing. Felicity explains. Ben says that it's hard to get used to, and Felicity agrees. Ben sits down to her on the bed with his shoes on. He could take them off. Ben tells Felicity that he saw the lawyer today, and that the lawyer thinks Ben should move to Arizona. Felicity is shocked. Ben told the lawyer that he's not going anywhere. Felicity starts crying. Ben keeps saying that he's not going anywhere. Felicity asks if she can tell him something. Ben says yes. Felicity says that they think she copied her Art History paper, and then admits that she did. Ben asks why. Felicity gives him the "too freaked out to write it" excuse, and then says that she doesn't even know if she's going to graduate. Ben promises that she will, and he knows he's said it a thousand times, but he knows that they will get through this. Felicity says, "This time, I'm just not so sure." They both look down. God, please let the few remaining episodes be better than this one was.
week: Lauren and Ben get into a car accident because Lauren was driving drunk. Lauren appears fine, but Ben is in big trouble. I hope he doesn't need a liver transplant, because Lord knows his father can't help him out.