Previously on Felicity: Ben said that his Chemistry professor sucked, and the professor heard him! Felicity told Ben that she was entering a beauty pageant in order to get a scholarship. Felicity won "Best Evening Wear," so she didn't get any scholarship money after all. Noel, in his new capacity as some sort of advisor, got Felicity a TA job in the Art department. Don't question it. Just go with it. It will hurt your brain if you try to make sense of it all, and no one wants that.
Felicity interviews for a TA position with Professor May, a woman, as they say, of a certain age. Felicity details all of the reasons why she would do a great job, even though she doesn't have any experience. Professor May asks what Felicity thinks of her scarf, because she "saw it at Bloomingdales, and [she] just had to have it." Felicity thinks it's great, and Professor May gives it to her. Huh. That was weird. Professor May kind of talks like Carol Channing. She asks Felicity to critique a painting behind her. Felicity says that the artist has an "obvious tenderness...for the subject," but that it's kind of derivative. Felicity realizes that Professor May is the artist, but Professor May thinks Felicity did a good job with the critique, and offers Felicity the job.
Felicity is recapping her interview for Elena while they hang a giant cobweb on the window. See, it's the Halloween episode, one week late because the season was delayed. Anyway, Elena asks whether the professor was hitting on Felicity, and Felicity responds that the professor was "like, seventy years old." Okay, she so wasn't that old. Unless Felicity is using hyperbole. Felicity suggests that she and Elena dress up as old ladies for their Halloween party. Elena says that the party is going to be full of single men, so she wants to look hot, not old. I guess Elena's over Tracy already. That was fast.
Richard rolls a keg into the apartment, probably damaging the wood floors. That's how you know that I'm old. I'm more worried about the floors than the keg. Richard says that he invited all of his friends to the party, and Elena comments sotto voce, "All three of them." Richard says he heard that. Felicity asks Richard about his costume. Richard refuses to reveal it, but promises that they will be impressed, because "it's completely homemade and totally sweet." Elena guesses that it's a pie, to Richard's disgust. Javier enters, complaining that the door was wide open. Yeah, you'd think they'd be more careful about that after the incident with Molly and Tag. I can't remember what his name was on the show. Eddie? No, I think that's the actor's name. I guess it's time to throw out the pickle. Oh, wait, I've got it. James. Richard leaves, and the girls thank him for getting the keg.
Javier announces that he needs a "secret hideaway" for a few days, because Samuel is taking him for granted. Javier plans to make Samuel face "the holidays" alone, and see how he gets along. Javier is also holding a small potted plant, for some reason. Felicity asks what precipitated this. Javier explains that he tried on his Carmen Miranda costume, and Samuel commented that Javier wore the same costume the year before. Javier is incensed that Samuel couldn't remember his last costume. Felicity and Elena exchange guilty looks, and Javier says that it doesn't matter if they forgot -- they're not married to Javier. Javier thinks that Samuel won't survive two hours without him. Felicity is sure that Samuel will call any minute, and Elena says that if Samuel doesn't, she'll go over there and kick his butt. She could, too. I think Elena should have starred in Alias instead of that Platypus Girl. Javier is cheered by this display of support, so he calls for a group hug. The girls oblige, giggling. Javier complains that they're not really hugging, so they hug even harder. Aw. They still didn't explain the plant. I guess it was Javier's version of the bandanna on a stick that little kids take when they run away from home. In the comics.
Ben is at (I assume) an Al-Anon meeting. Hey, remember how Ben started going to those? With Molly? And that it's never been mentioned again until now? Ben tells the group that he made the decision to be pre-med, even though he's never been a strong student. No one thought that Ben could do it, and Ben tended to agree with that assessment, until something happened in Chemistry class that changed his mind. Okay, so this is a framing device. Why didn't they open the show with this? I don't know. Flashback to Ben taking a test in his Chemistry class, looking frustrated. Later, Trevor and Ben leave the class, discussing something which concludes with Ben declaring, "What a dick!" in reference to Professor Snark. Even later, Ben and Felicity lie in bed together. It's a very arty overhead shot that nicely shows off Scott Speedman's arms. I'm just saying. I'll take that over the Arm that Stomped Tokyo any day. Anyway, Ben is complaining to Felicity that Professor Snark said that benzenes wouldn't be on the test, and then there was a whole section on them. That does suck. He is a dick. Felicity tries to come up with an explanation as to how that could have happened, like maybe Ben misunderstood, and Ben thinks that she's implying that he's an idiot. Ben reminds her that o-chem is used to weed people out. Felicity contemplates that, and then asks what she can do to help. Ben replies, "Nothing."
Sean and Meghan walk down the street, arguing about returning the bath towels that Sean's Uncle Elliott bought them. Sean wants to keep them because they are made of Egyptian cotton. Meghan wants to return them, because the initials are wrong -- she's keeping her last name. So why can't they just exchange them for new towels with the correct last name? I guess then these two wouldn't have anything to argue about. Oh, but I know that's not true. Some woman takes a picture of Meghan, and then explains that she's a reporter for some teen magazine, out to spot the big thing. Apparently, the big thing is Meghan's shirt. Like she would just take the picture without asking first. Sean explains that Meghan made the shirt, which features tube socks as sleeves. Isn't that basically what Britney did during the Super Bowl halftime show this year? The reporter asks Meghan to sign the release form, but Meghan isn't interested. Sean is, but Meghan pulls him away.
Felicity stands in front of her art class. One guy starts to leave, and Felicity explains that the professor will be there any minute. The guy says that he's seen her before. Felicity says that she's gone to school there for four years, so it's possible. Plus, you know, they are both art majors. The guy realizes that he saw her at the beauty pageant, where he worked the sets, and that Felicity won "Best Evening Wear." Felicity denies that it was her. A woman barges in and asks who is in charge. Felicity says that she is, and follows the woman into the hallway. The woman explains that Professor May was arrested for shoplifting. So now Felicity is in possession of stolen goods. They don't go there, though. The woman asks Felicity to cover Professor May's classes until they find a replacement. Felicity doesn't think the students will listen to her. The woman tells her to "just keep them busy," and promises to find someone as soon as she can. Felicity uncertainly heads back into the classroom.
At the girls' apartment, Javier paces back and forth, waiting for his phone to ring. Noel is sitting there, for no good reason. What, does he live there now, too? I mean, I assume that Meghan has moved in with Sean, so they have at least one opening, if not two, since they never replaced Molly. Javier announces that he needs a distraction so that he doesn't call Samuel. Noel looks through the paper and suggests a movie, but that reminds Javier of Samuel. Noel suggests a bar, but that reminds Javier of Samuel, too. Javier glances at the paper and sees that Lionel Richie is playing in Atlantic City. Noel doesn't want to go to Atlantic City. Javier asks whether Noel has something better to do. Noel reminds him about the Halloween party. Javier explains that in his first summer in America, he saw Lionel Richie. Javier continues, "And I was young -- well, younger -- and full of hope, and it was a party 'All Night Long.'" Javier concludes that if you haven't seen Lionel live, you haven't lived, and that Noel could use the trip, too. Noel wonders what that means, and Javier admits that he knows what happened with Felicity and Noel. Javier points out that all Noel would do at the party is "stare at Felicity and Benjamin looking very thin in their costumes." Noel claims he's fine with that, but Javier compares it to how he's staring at the phone. Javier manages to drag Noel out of the room, despite Noel's protests to the contrary.
In Chemistry class, Ben picks up his graded exam and looks it over. Trevor does the same. They both look unhappy. Trevor asks how Ben did, and Ben shows him the F written in red on his test book. Trevor got the same. Ben asks Professor Snark whether he can talk to him. Professor Snark lists his office hours. Ben wants to discuss the midterm, which wasn't fair. Professor Snark says that the beauty of science is that there's a right answer and a wrong answer, and fairness doesn't come into play. Trevor, who has joined them, starts to bring up the thing about benzenes. I don't know why they wouldn't ask their other classmates about it first, to make sure that it wasn't a mistake or a miscommunication. Anyway, Ben asks for a retest. Professor Snark points out that some people passed, and some even got A's. Ben brings up the benzene thing, and Professor Snark makes a stupid analogy about a doctor treating a patient. If I were Ben, I would say that I would be too busy administering CPR to worry about the chemical composition of benzene. Ben says that they can't fail this class, and Professor Snark responds that the two of them are "well on their way" to failing. Man, Professor Snark is quite the misanthrope. He should be a recapper. Ben patiently asks for a chance to retake the test. Professor Snark says that the conversation is over. Ben starts to say that it's unfair. Professor Snark repeats that the conversation is over. Ben asks why Professor Snark has to be "such a dick about it." Uh oh. Professor Snark announces that he's kicking them both out of the class. Trevor protests that they need the class, and Professor Snark says that they should have thought about that before opening their mouths. Can he do that? Just kick them out of class? I don't think he can. They should go to the head of the department. The music throughout this scene was a bizarre Indian snake charmer bit. I don't know what that was about.
Ben and Trevor drown their sorrows in beer at Epstein Bar. Trevor says that his father's going to kill him, and then asks Ben whether his father is a doctor. Ben laughs at the thought. Trevor says that his father is a vascular surgeon, and only talks to Trevor about HMOs and nurses who are stupid, but Trevor's father sleeps with them anyway. And Trevor wants to follow in his father's footsteps because...? Also, are they trying to make me feel bad for Trevor? Because it's not working. I still think he's trouble. Trevor's dad thinks Trevor should be a pathologist and stick to the autopsies, so he can't kill anyone. Ben apologizes for getting Trevor kicked out of class. Trevor says that it's Professor Snark's fault. Ben suggests that they drink another beer together. Because if there's anything that Ben has learned from his father, it's that alcohol is the perfect way to deal with your problems.
Sean and Meghan prepare for the Halloween party. Meghan is dressed as Jackie Kennedy, and I guess Sean is supposed to be Jack, although he looks more like a game-show host. Sean busts out a piss-poor JFK impersonation, and says, "The only thing to fear is fear itself." Meghan informs him that was FDR. Sean says that he talked to a guy who owns what is basically a sweatshop, and that the sock shirts would be very affordable to produce. Meghan doesn't want to sell her look. Sean tries to convince her that it would be a great moneymaking opportunity. Meghan says that she doesn't want to sell them, and that if Sean doesn't understand that, he doesn't understand her. Meghan leaves, telling Sean that she'll see him at the party. Do these two ever stop fighting for five minutes? Sean keeps doing his JFK imitation, and that's really got to stop.
Noel and Javier arrive at the casino. Javier keeps calling his voicemail to see if Samuel called. Javier sees the poster for Lionel Richie, and discovers that the concert is sold out. Noel can't believe it. Javier says, "The American people love Lionel." A scalper overhears Javier saying that he needs Lionel, and offers them tickets for $400 each. Noel and Javier confer. Noel wants to leave, but Javier thinks they can win enough money at the slot machines to buy the tickets. Noel doesn't think that's a good idea, but Javier cannot be dissuaded, and tells Noel to hold his phone, so he can't call Samuel.
The Halloween party is hopping. Felicity bitches to Elena about her class, saying that her students were all calling her "Miss Evening Gown." Elena suggests that she tell them all to mind their own business. Richard shows up in his great costume: Darth Vader. Yeah, that's a great costume. In 1977. Or even 1999. But it's so played in 2001. I guess he could have been Darth Maul. That would have been worse. One could argue that Darth Vader is a classic, but it's not that original. Felicity is way too amused by the costume. Richard is upset to discover that there is no cash prize for best costume. A girl walks by dressed as Princess Leia, and Richard takes off after her. Ew! He's her dad. Also, a similar joke was made onBuffylast week. Felicity is still way too amused by the whole thing, like she's laughing and clapping her hands in glee. Is she drunk?
Sean walks up and tells George Washington to get away from Meghan. Sean sits down and apologizes, because he knows how important her individuality is, but knowing her parents hate him has thrown him. Sean needs a hit, but it won't be the sock shirt. I think Meghan needs to realize that they need money more than she needs her fashion sense right now, and get over it. Sean claims to be turned on by Meghan's hat, and they start making out. Kissing solves all problems. That's the lesson that I have learned.
Ben and Trevor walk into the party, all drunk. Felicity notices them, and also determines that they've been drinking. But she's cool with it. Trevor asks where the keg is, and announces that they got kicked out of Chemistry class. Ben doesn't want to talk about it. Trevor asks again where the keg is. Because he's really drunk. Get it? Ben tells Felicity that he'll talk about it later, and follows Trevor. Felicity watches him go with a worried look on her face.
Javier plays the slots with little success. He kisses each coin before putting it into the machine, which is really gross. My mother always told me never to put money in my mouth, because you don't know where it's been. Good advice. Noel insists that Javier should be betting three dollars at a time, because you can't get a big payoff without a big bet. Javier thinks that playing the slots is like love, because you always get "snake eyes." Yeah, I know that's craps, not slot machines. It's Javier. Just go with it. Javier loves Lionel Richie, because "for him love is always 'Dancing on the Ceiling.'" Do you think the writers got a bonus for every Lionel Richie song title they could work into the script? Javier agrees to put in three coins, and then starts trying to wrestle the phone away from Noel so that he can call Samuel. So it takes them a minute to realize that Javier has hit the jackpot. Noel tries to help as the coins pour out, and Javier screeches, "Don't touch my money!" Hee.
Richard chats up the Princess Leia chick, impressing her with lines from Star Wars. She suggests that they get a drink, but Richard can't get his helmet off. He dashes off to look for help. He finds Elena, and tries to get her to help pull it off. Felicity watches as Trevor and some other guys do shots, but Ben isn't with them. She spies Ben sitting on the floor in her bedroom, alone. Meanwhile, Trevor is grunting and staggering around.
Felicity walks into her bedroom and asks Ben, who looks like he's been crying, whether he's not doing tequila shots. Ben says he isn't. Felicity sits down to him and asks whether he wants to talk about it. Ben says he felt like he was ten years old, and he knew he was right, but it didn't matter, because "he just would not admit he was wrong." Ben concludes that it reminds him of "the same old crap [his] father used to pull."
Elsewhere in the apartment, Elena is trying to pull Richard's helmet off, to no avail. Richard thinks that Princess Leia is a sure thing, but that his lips need to be accessible. Elena suggests cutting off the helmet, but Richard won't, because it's homemade. Elena tries pulling again, and Richard falls down.
Back in the bedroom, Ben suggests going to get something to eat, and Felicity agrees. As they walk out, they come upon some guy building a beer-can pyramid on an unconscious Trevor. Ben tells Felicity to call 911 while he begins CPR.
Ben and Felicity sit in the hospital waiting room. A doctor approaches and tells them that Trevor is in a coma, and that his blood alcohol level was .38, when the legal limit is .08. The doctor adds that it was good that they brought him in when they did. Ben asks whether Trevor is going to make it, and the doctor says that it's too early to tell, so they should go home and get some sleep. And possibly call Trevor's parents? At this point, I really thought that they were going to go the route of Trevor (or his parents) suing Felicity and Elena for providing the alcohol. It's also possible that Trevor isn't twenty-one, since Ben is only in his class because he's making up for lost time, and Felicity and Elena took the class as freshmen or something. But I was clearly over thinking it. The doctor leaves, and Felicity urges Ben to get going. They walk out, holding hands.
Back at the party, Richard puts his head in the freezer, because he thinks it'll cause shrinkage. Elena tells him that it won't work. Is the party still going on? Wouldn't the guy being taken out on a stretcher be a bit of a buzzkill? Also, won't Richard's helmet shrink right along with his head? Princess Leia walks up and says hello, commenting that she was just doing a shot with Trevor and didn't know how drunk he was. Richard and Leia exchange pleasantries, but Richard doesn't bother trying to get her name or phone number. Leia takes off. Richard slams the freezer door in frustration.
Javier washes his lips in the men's room as he and Noel discuss how little money they have left. But didn't they just win the jackpot? And suddenly they have no money left. Javier looks in the mirror and grouses, "Now I have no money, no love, no Lionel, no nothing...except a lot of blackheads." Hee! Noel is sure that Samuel will call. Javier says that this whole thing has taught him that you shouldn't gamble with the heart. He and Noel argue over this for a while until Javier notices that Lionel has walked into the men's room. What, he doesn't have a bathroom in his dressing room? Okay, I promise to stop asking these questions. Maybe. Javier starts gushing over Lionel, who's trying to pee, which would be kind of weird. Javier asks Lionel to autograph his chest, but Lionel would prefer to do it on a piece of paper. Javier wants to know if he can ask Lionel a question, since he knows "so much about the ways of love and dancing on the ceiling." Lionel agrees. Javier says very sincerely, "When Lionel and his lady fight, what does Lionel do?" Lionel pauses and Javier asks if he should be writing this down. Javier is forced to borrow a pen from Lionel, who then says that no matter what happens, just say, "Honey, you're right." It works every time. Yes, because putting your own needs below those of your mate is the perfect way to have a successful relationship. I kind of worry about the messages this show is sending. Keep secrets from your mate. Just tell them that they are right to resolve arguments. If you cheat, don't tell. If you argue all the time, just kiss each other, and all your problems are over. Anyway, Javier gets his autograph, and Lionel doesn't even offer them tickets to the concert! That bastard.
At the loft, Sean pulls a shirt out of a box and inspects it, but quickly throws it back in when Meghan enters the room. Meghan wants to know what's going on, and Sean admits that he ordered some sock shirts, but that he did so before their discussion at the party. Meghan protests that it's "part of [her] look, and if [he] sell[s] it to everyone else, [she'll] look like everyone else." Sean points out that Meghan's look isn't that original, which makes Meghan more upset, and she leaves in disgust and slams the door. Just kiss her, Sean, and everything will be fine. Or tell her that she's right. Or secretly sell the shirts without telling her.
In Felicity's class, the students hang their drawings up on the wall. Felicity asks for a volunteer to critique the first drawing, but no one offers, so she starts critiquing it herself. She has some nice things to say, and the guy who was giving her a hard time before says that it's his drawing. In fact, it's a tribute to Felicity, because it's a drawing of a tiara. Everyone giggles. Felicity wants to move on. The guy says that he was inspired by "the packaging and objectification of the feminine form," and wants to know whether Felicity got a scholarship. Felicity says that she didn't, and tries to move on again. He implies that Felicity got her TA position because of the pageant. No, she got that because she slept with the advisor, but that's neither here nor there. Meanwhile, fuck off, guy. Some girl says, "I have to say that we, as artists, will be fighting the pressure of commercial and material concerns at every turn, and you traded on your looks. You already sold out. That's not a lesson I want to pay to learn in this or any class." What does Felicity being in the pageant have to do with her ability to teach the class? If they want to argue that she has no feminist credibility, I could see that. I don't know if I would agree with it, but I could see it. Fuck off, girl who asked the question. If you were a real artist, you wouldn't be in college. You'd be out producing art. I hate that girl. Felicity says none of these things, and just stands there, silently.
Ben walks into Professor Snark's classroom. The snake charmer music is back. Professor Snark reminds Ben that he was kicked out of the class. Ben says that Trevor is in a coma. And this is Professor Snark's problem why? Ben explains that Trevor got alcohol poisoning, after they went drinking because they got kicked out of class. That is so not the Professor's fault. Ben says that the professor's job is to help students. Snark says that his job is to teach chemistry. Ben says that they just wanted Snark to be fair. Snark wonders if this is Ben's attempt to get back into class. Ben says that he doesn't care about the class, but that Trevor is in a coma, and asks if it would have been that big of a deal for Snark to admit that he was wrong. Ben walks out. Snark has a look on his face like, "I think I need a drink." That was my interpretation, anyway. This storyline is dumb. Why should the professor care? I mean, I don't think he should have kicked them out of class in the first place, but it's not his fault that Trevor dealt with it by drinking himself into a coma. Ben's just as much at fault as Snark, in my opinion. But really, it's entirely Trevor's fault.
Javier and Noel have returned to New York City, and are eating in Epstein Bar. Noel tries to cheer up Javier by discussing the Lionel Richie autograph, and when it doesn't work, he suggests that Javier just call Samuel. Javier says that he probably should, because he loves Samuel, and then says, "I don't know how you do it, Noel." Noel asks what he means, and Javier replies, "Live without the one you love." Ooh. I think that line is going to cause problems in the future, because Noel appears to be thinking it over. Just as Javier picks up the phone, it rings. Of course, it's Samuel, who apologizes. Javier starts cooing and explaining where he's been. Samuel doesn't believe that they met Lionel Richie. Javier starts arguing about it, and Noel points at Lionel's love advice. Javier says, "Honey, you're right," and then gives Noel a thumbs-up to indicate that it worked. Javier listens to what Samuel is saying, which apparently quickly turns into sex talk. Javier says, "I'm allergic to leather. No. Latex is okay." Noel starts protesting, and Javier gets off the phone.
Elena finds Felicity still in bed. Felicity looks miserable and says that she doesn't want to be a TA, because they sing the theme to "Miss America" when she walks into the room. Elena says that Felicity doesn't have to take that. Felicity thinks her students are right. Elena tells Felicity, "You have to stop apologizing for who you are and what you've done. You're not the first person to screw up on the way to figuring out who the hell they are. You gotta own your mistakes and get some strength from them." Now, that's the first good advice I've heard on this episode.
Felicity walks into her classroom, wearing her pageant evening gown. She admits that she was in a beauty pageant and asks whether there are any questions. The students remain silent, so Felicity says that they should get started. Just then, Jeremy Cavallo walks in. You know, the guy who was teaching that seminar that Felicity didn't get into? That guy. He asks Felicity what she's doing. Felicity says that she's the TA. He asks whether she always comes to class like that, or if it's a celebration of his first day. He's the new teacher. Felicity is embarrassed.
Meghan walks into a class and sits down. What is Meghan's major, anyway? ["I thought it was Psychology." -- Wing Chun] A girl comes in and sits to her, dressed just like Meghan. Another girl walks in, also dressed like Meghan, and sits down. Meghan looks at them both in shock. Cut to the loft, where Meghan is throwing clothes down to the floor. Sean enters and asks what she's doing. Meghan walks down the stairs wearing her Jackie Kennedy outfit. Sean notes that Halloween is over. Meghan says that it's not a costume; it's her new look. Sean likes it, and Meghan tells him not to steal it. Sean looks at all the clothes on the floor, and holds a pair of pants up to himself. Heh.
Ben walks into the hospital, only to find Snark waiting there. Snark says they aren't allowing visitors yet, but that Trevor is awake. Also, Snark heard that Ben handled the situation pretty well. Snark admits that Ben may have been right, and that he could have been more helpful, and that he also might have said that benzenes weren't going to be on the test, so it was his mistake. Snark gets up to leave, and tells Ben that he'll see him in class. Ben thanks him. Snark walks out, but turns to say that he has a son Ben's age. What? What does that have to do with it? His son is a fuck-up too, so he's harder on his students? I don't know.
Back at the Al-Anon meeting, Ben says that his dad would be drunk and disappear for days, and when he did show up, he would pretend that his family didn't exist. Ben says that when you're a kid, you want to fix things, and help, and he thinks he's trying to become a doctor so that he can help. Ben concludes, "It's funny that something so good could come out of something so bad."
Ben walks into Trevor's hospital room. Trevor looks pretty much fine, joking that he's thinking of becoming a zookeeper. Ben says that Snark let them back into the class, and he needs a lab partner. Trevor says he'll think about it, and then pretends he doesn't want to. Aw, boys who can't admit that they like each other. So cute. When Ben leaves Trevor's room, he finds Felicity waiting for him. They smile at each other and hold hands. Judging from the preview, that's the last happy Felicity and Ben moment we're going to get for a while, so savor it.
Back at the Al-Anon meeting, Ben tells the group that he realizes that he's not the best student, but maybe it's more important that he cares a lot. Yeah, try that one out on your medical school applications, Ben.
week: I can't even talk about it. Okay, fine. Noel tells Ben that he's already "had" Felicity. At least I won't have to see those scenes in the promos anymore.