Docuventary II

S02E17

In the lecture hall, Knoll's students are leaving and Ruby asks Knoll to call her later. Ben stays in his seat at the back of the class and asks Knoll what he knows about Greg. Knoll says that he and Ruby saw Greg at the clinic and thought he was okay. Ben asks if Knoll knows whether Greg and Felicity are dating. Knoll is surprised by the question and is unaware that Greg and Felicity are close. Ben divulges what he learned from his snooping and says, "Two years ago, he was busted for cocaine possession." Knoll asks whether Ben is sure and then they both agree that is "screwed up" that Greg is working at the Health Centre. Ben wonders aloud whether he should tell Felicity what he knows. The two of them turn into macho lunkheads and decide that they won't say anything until they know for sure whether Felicity and Greg are dating, because, after all, "Felicity is an adult." Clearly, they don't really believe that Felicity can think for herself, though. Knoll does an about-face and says that he knew there was something about Greg that he didn't like. Whatever, Knoll. That's how I've always felt about you.

In Felicity and Meghan's dorm room, Felicity attempts to start a tape to Sally, complete with the "Dear Sally" background music. She can't do it so the music stops abruptly when she tells Sean and Richard that "it's not going to work." Sean urges her to continue but Meghan comes in and Felicity leaves because she has to get to work. Richard says, "Hey, how about that dorm tour?" Felicity suggests that Meghan could do it. Meghan snarls, "Oh yeah, because I do everything Felicity says now. Have a good day, master!" Meghan asks them if they want a tour. Sean says yes and Meghan asks, "How much you got?" Sean offers $50 but Meghan wants $75. They haggle for a bit and Sean finally agrees to $75. When he reaches for his wallet, she says $90. Richard protests that she said $75 but Meghan tells them she meant $90 and she wants them to get out. Sean asks whether she takes American Express, which elicits no response from Meghan. Sean pauses at the door before leaving and sneers, "Well, do ya?" They walk out the door, surprisingly, with their testicles still intact.

The camera is on Javier again at Dean & Deluca and he's talking about how he loves Elena because she's so sassy and he loves the way she dresses and "she rarely wears brassieres and stuff like that."

Cut to Elena and Tracy being interviewed by Sean and Richard, in Elena and Knoll's apartment. Elena, sans braids, talks about how she's wanted to be a doctor since she was six. Sean asks Tracy, "What about you?" Tracy answers, "Five." Sean asks what they are doing to ensure they get into good med schools. Elena states that she "ran blood drives, [she] took CPR courses, [she] entered a science fair, and last summer [she] assisted a professor here, um, Dr. McGrath." You "assisted" him? Is that what you call it? I see. Tracy says, "McGrath?" Elena defensively asks what is wrong with Dr. Feelgood. Tracy claims that he is "the prince of darkness, that's what's wrong with him. [He doesn't] like him." Tracy quickly asks Sean to cut that part. The interview is interrupted by a crash, which is Knoll bursting through the door. He is freaking out and looking for the exams he is supposed to grade. Elena asks if he's checked his backpack. Knoll snottily informs her that he has and she says, "Don't give me tone!" Well, her hair isn't as sassy any more but she can still put Knoll in his place. Knoll stomps into his room and slams the door.

Richard attaches a clip-on mike to Felicity's top and she slaps his hand away when it seems that he is getting a little too familiar. It seems that she and Greg have agreed to be interviewed by Sean. Greg has been shorn and now his hair looks like that of the old-school Ken doll from the 1960s, which is not much of an improvement on his Einstein's-theory-of-chaos-'do of last week. Sorry, getting rid of your awful hair doesn't endear you to me, Greg. While Richard and Sean bicker and set up for the interview, Greg asks Felicity if she kissed him the other day. Greg says he hasn't been able to stop thinking about it. Richard yanks the plug on one of the Health Centre's iMacs to plug in a super-powered light, which blinds Felicity and Greg. Greg begins to protest Richard's unplugging but stops when he realizes that the damage has been done.

Back in the cafeteria kitchen, we see Ben again through the camera's lens while he asks Sean if he is going to interview Julie. Sean admits that he is and Ben remarks that Julie should be interviewing Sean. Ben then wonders if Sean is ever going to tell Julie that he is in love with her. Richard wonders what they're talking about and Sean quickly and repeatedly says, "Nothing."

Over at Dean & Deluca, the camera is focussed on Javier, who is wearing a black, slightly pompadoured toupée, which makes him look like a gay, bespectacled Kevin Spacey. Can you imagine such a thing? I mean, Kevin Spacey wearing glasses? The idea! Sean says, "Tell me about Felicity and her friends." Javier fiddles with the rug and asks if it looks "stupid or fantastic," because it hurts a bit. Javier claims that Felicity is his "favorite" and he gushes on with lots of complimentary comments. He mentions that he and she are "autumns" which makes them "kind of like sisters." Aw, I'd kill to have a sister like Javier. Anyway, he's now on to Knoll except he kind of pronounces it "Knorll." While it still isn't the proper pronunciation of the name, since it is Javier, I can cut him some slack. If no one on this damn show is going to pronounce "NO-el," then "Knorll" is okay by me. Javier declares that he thinks Knorll is a bit of yum and that if Knorll were gay, then Javier's boyfriend would be in trouble, rent-controlled apartment or not. I'm sure Knollstrils will be thrilled to hear this admission.

Speaking of Knoll, he's about to give a test to his philosophy class. Naturally, Sean and Richard are there and we get to see them pan around the classroom. I can't imagine a university allowing that during a test, especially since Sean isn't even a student there. Whatever. In a one-on-one interview, Sean asks Knoll what he does. Knoll explains that he is a TA and that he assists the teacher. Omigod, what an educator! What an orator! He probably wrote a speech about speech writing back in grade five. Sean comments that Knoll went from being an RA to being a TA. Sean and Richard laugh about that while Knoll smiles weakly. Hey Knoll, that joke wasn't any lamer than your definition of a TA.

At the Health Centre, a stereotypical, bleached-blonde, gossipy queeny dude, who looks like a cross between Joshua Jackson's character in Cruel Intentions, Harry "Hambone" Hamlin, and Terry Sweeny from early 1980s Saturday Night Live ["and is actually Alexis, for my mind the least loathsome of the Arquettes" -- Wing Chun], cryptically informs Felicity that their coworker Maureen is no longer working there. Instead of saying just that, he mentions missing time cards and sack lunches (hey, that movie was better than The English Patient!). When Felicity finally guesses that Maureen has quit, Bleached Boy tells her that she didn't hear it from him. Following up that bit of drama, he asks for Felicity's opinion on the Argyle sweater his sister gave him, which he is wearing. Felicity is politely non-committal, which causes Bleached Boy to rip it off and flounce away. WTF? Did David E. Kelley create this character? Ooh, let's check the GLAAD website to see if this character has turned up on their TV Scoreboard. Doubtful.

At Dean & Deluca, Felicity tells the camcorder that she really wants the job recently vacated by Maureen at the Health Centre since "it'll be good experience and more money and it'll look good on my résumé." Sean notes, "Last year you were straddling art and medicine." Richard pipes up, "Yeah, you were also straddling Knoll!" Sean admonishes him and Richard apologizes.

We switch over to Javier's interview where he is describing Ben: "He's like a sweet dumb guy, but he's -- the thing is -- the twist is that he's not dumb at all, he just comes off that way." Well said, Javier.

Speaking of Ben, he's now working at the Admissions Office. He looks into Sean's camera to state, "For the record that I really enjoyed working in the Admissions Office and that Leonora and I have a lot in common." The camera pans over to Leonora, who is an older, almost elderly, woman, sitting at her desk with her teacup and a bag of Fritos. Doesn't have a thing for older women? Hey, I'm older, and my name is even Maggie. I'm just sayin'. Sean asks Ben what his job at the Admissions Office is. Ben replies that it is to file confidential student files. Ben observes that there is "something screwed up with the system if someone like [him] has access to student files." Then the question, "And what do you want to do with the rest of your life?" is posed. Ben's grin begins to fade and before he can answer or make a wise-ass comment, the boom mike drops in front of his face, which prompts Sean to say, "Dick, Dick! I see more of the mike than his head!" Richard complains that holding the mike is hard. Ben asks about Greg and Felicity's interview. Richard comments to him, "You really hate that guy, don't you?" Ben admits that he does, but adds that since Felicity's hours are almost up at the Health Clinic, soon he'll never have to think about Greg again. Sean suggests that since Ben has access to the student files, he should check out Greg's. Ben smirks at the thought while Sean tells him it will make him feel a lot better. Is it a good idea to suggest this while the tape is still rolling? Is it a good idea to appear to be mulling over this suggestion while the tape is still rolling? My guess would be no.

Speaking of Greg and Felicity, there they are at the Health Centre. Felicity is getting him to sign various papers and she tells him that she's interested in taking Maureen's old job. She rattles off her experience but asks that he not show any favouritism. Assume much? She asks him to consider her officially for the job and he says that he will.

In slow motion at the Admissions Office, Ben snoops in a file, presumably Greg's. He frowns and puts his hand to his mouth, which, if my understanding of slow-motion emotions is correct, means that he has found something disturbing.

The camera is on Javier again at Dean & Deluca and he's talking about how he loves Elena because she's so sassy and he loves the way she dresses and "she rarely wears brassieres and stuff like that."

At the Health Centre, Greg asks Felicity if she would go out to dinner with him the following night. He needs to know her answer right away since if she says yes, it will supposedly sustain him through a long meeting he has to sit through. Felicity questions the declaration he made a few episodes ago never to date again. He says, "Um, I'm asking you out anyway." That silver-tongued romantic! Felicity agrees to go out with him and Greg is surprised and excited. He tells her that she has the job and "swear to god" that her acceptance of his invitation had nothing to do with his decision to hire her. Felicity thanks him for the job.

In Epstein Bar, Elena and Julie are toasting Felicity and her new job. Felicity is treating them since she's about to come into some more money. Ben drops by the table and is urged to sit down and celebrate with them. Sean and Richard are there too, of course, and Richard bonks Ben on the head with the boom mike. Felicity invites Ben to stay and have dinner with them because she's paying. Ben wants to know why and before Felicity can say anything, Julie interrupts to tell him about Felicity's new job. Ben is less than enthused about the prospect but no one notices. He perks up a bit when Felicity tells him that she likely can't afford to quit working at Dean & Deluca. Geddit? He perks up? They work at a coffee place? That's all I got, people.

Back at the Health Centre, Felicity is photocopying a pamphlet about scabies and describing her other glamourous job duties to Sean and Richard. Greg and Doug, the new guy at the Health Centre, stop and talk to Felicity. Greg is giving Doug the tour and Felicity says, "That must be exciting." Doug obviously doesn't know what to make of that comment and asks her what she means. Felicity clarifies that she meant it really isn't that exciting. Greg asks her how eight o'clock sounds and Felicity thinks it would be great. Richard apologizes to Greg about his "computer files" and Greg tells him not to worry about it and walks away. Sean thinks it is great that Felicity and Greg are going out and he asks if he and Richard can come along. Felicity lets Sean know that won't be happening. Richard thinks they "gotta spy on her." Sean is against it. Richard, in an extreme close-up, says, "What? We're documentarians, it's our job." I realize that Richard brings some humour to the show, but I don't like him. He reminds me of too many self-involved jerks that I've known.

Ben, dressed in a uniform, is in a Campus Security office with an old security guard dude, when Sean and Richard show up. The old dude is showing Ben how he should be answering the phone. He picks up the receiver and says, "CAMPus Security," to demonstrate. Ben tries and says, "Campus Security." The old dude tells him to do it again and put more emphasis on "campus." Ben does it again, putting the tiniest bit more emphasis on campus, and the old dude says, "Better." ["That scene made me pee. I love when Ben is funny." -- Wing Chun]

Richard and Sean are out on the street taping Felicity and Greg through a restaurant window. They zoom in for a close-up of Felicity and Greg laughing and eating with chopsticks. Sean says, "We really shouldn't be doing this." Why the attack of conscience now, Sean? we see Felicity and Greg out on the street, probably in front of the dorm, about to say goodnight. Sean says, "Oh man, I hope she doesn't kiss him." Richard wants to know why not and Sean says, "Because Ben'll hate that." Richard asks why Ben hates Greg so much. Sean says that he doesn't know just as Felicity spots them and runs across the street toward them, threatening to kill them. Sean and Richard start running and we get to see feet hitting the sidewalk. Richard says, "This is bad. This is Blair Witch bad." The addition of Richard to the cast of Blair Witch Project would have made it the scariest movie ever.

Ruby is now being interviewed by Sean and Richard in her dorm room. Sean asks what her major is. She says it is Art History and feels she needs to explain why. Apparently, her parents took her to the Uffizi Gallery in Italy when she was a kid, and she saw the Sacrifice of Isaac by Caravaggio. She asks if Sean or Richard have ever seen it and naturally, they have not. I was not familiar with the painting so I did a little research. The website I saw it at described it thusly: "[It] is characterized by the remarkable beam of light that reveals the candour of the terrified, howling boy's skin, while the angel blocks the hand of old wrinkled Abraham with an imperious gesture." Ruby describes it as "amazing" and "beautiful." Gee, it seems like those Art History courses are already paying off. What a critique! Anyway, I think the writers should have had her at the Louvre, admiring Caravaggio's Death of the Virgin. Ruby goes on to say, "I just love museums and one day I'm going to be a curator, but before I'm anything, I'm going to be a mother." Sean asks her if her pregnancy is something she wants to talk about. She responds, "Uh, no, not really. About one out of what, two thousand people I talk to actually understands why I'm doing this." Sean asks how her parents reacted and she admits that she hasn't old them yet, but she's going to Colorado week to tell them because Knoll convinced her to do it. She explains that she never thought she'd do such a thing but "being pregnant changed something inside of [her]." Well, getting pregnant changed something inside of her, in any case.

Out on the street, Sean is interviewing Knoll and Sean asks whether Knoll and Ruby are still dating. Knoll tells him that they are not dating. Sean asks if Ruby didn't decide to have the baby, would he and she still be dating. Knoll smells the fart then says that he doesn't know and he goes off in search of the missing tests.

Felicity is on the phone at the Health Centre, talking to Lloyd and assuring him that he doesn't need the patch, regardless of what the commercial says, because he doesn't smoke. I think Lloyd is that hypochondriac dude from episodes. She is cheerfully winding up the call when Bleach Boy, wearing a way more hideous turtleneck sweater than the Argyle one, comes by and slams a stack of papers down on her desk. He then slams a filing drawer. Felicity asks him what is wrong and he sneers, "Just another manic Monday." She asks if it is something she's done and he informs her that yes, it is. She wants to know what it is and he says, "Let's put it this way, Miss Assistant to the Director of the Health Centre. I have work-studied here for two years." Felicity, clueing in, says, "You wanted the job." Not at all passive-aggressively, Bleach Boy says, "Well, I didn't want to not get the job. And now, apparently there's no room for me here. So, Friday is my last day." Felicity counters with an incredulous, "What?" Bleach Boy sniffs, "I guess I just wasn't Greg's type, and storms off. Hey Bleach Boy, you should be thanking your lucky stars that you aren't Greg's type. Felicity stares after him, snapping at flies.

Greg is in his office, stretched out on the couch, writing on a notepad. When Felicity barges in, he sits up and says hi. She tells him she has a question for him and he replies that he "had a great time last night." She says that she did too, then asks if he lobbied for her to get the job because he "likes" her. He says that he did. She tells him that Bleach Boy should have gotten the position because he is more qualified. Greg doesn't deny that fact. Felicity walks out and drags Beach Boy into the office and tells Greg that "Jim is the person who should be the Assistant to the Director." Jim says, "No, no, no." Greg asks him to give them a moment. Jim walks out saying, "Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah." Greg barks at Felicity for putting him on the spot. Felicity makes him repeat that Jim is more qualified. Felicity argues that she doesn't want the job now but Greg says it is too late, she already has it. Felicity wants to be a volunteer again and Greg informs her that she never was a volunteer, she was a "comm serv." It seems that the university limits the number of people allowed to work at the clinic, even volunteers. Huh? Felicity must take the job or leave the Health Centre. Greg whines that he had to do a "real hard sell" for her and she's being "ungrateful." He tells her that if she doesn't want the job, she should quit. Felicity decides to quit and she flounces out of his office. Now it's Greg's turn to snap at flies.

Back at the apartment, Tracy and Elena are being interviewed by Sean again. Sean asks whether college ever becomes overwhelming for them. Elena says, "No, not really." Tracy says that when he's "really stressing" he puts a stuffed rabbit he got as a kid into his backpack and that knowing it is there helps. Elena divulges that she had a nametag made up that says "Dr. Elena Tyler" and when she thinks she isn't going to make it, she rubs it and says, "Yes, I am. Yes, I am." Tracy confesses that he was kidding about the rabbit. Elena says, "You know, I've had enough of you," and walks away. Knoll comes out of his room and asks, "Hey, have you found my --" Elena shouts, "No!" and slams her bedroom door. Knoll turns his attention to Tracy and starts describing the envelope they were in. Knoll searches around his room some more and grimaces into the camera.

That frame is frozen and Sean and Richard are looking at it while editing in the loft. They start squabbling and Richard calls Sean "controlling." Sean lets Richard know that the project is not a joint one. Richard is miffed and they squabble some more. Ben arrives home and tells them that the old security dude turned out to be a cool guy who fought in two wars and who has a four-inch metal plate in his head that he let Ben feel. Ben asks how their "stupid movie" is going and they indignantly tell him that it is not a stupid movie. Richard blurts out that they now have a subplot, which is Felicity and Greg's romance. Sean tries to shut Richard up but Richard shows Ben footage of Felicity and Greg talking and saying goodnight. Ben leaves the loft in a huff.

It turns out that he was on his way to the Health Centre. When he gets there, he sees Greg and Jim and asks them if Felicity is there. Jim looks at Greg but neither of them says anything to Ben. Ben asks again in a slightly annoyed tone. Greg answers, "I don't think so." The pissing match escalates as Greg tries and succeeds at being completely unhelpful. Ben starts to walk away but then he turns back and bursts into Greg's office. Ben tells Greg that he knows "about the cocaine, the arrest and that she is too good for you." Ben threatens Greg that he'll kill him if Greg hurts Felicity. Ben leaves and Greg's mouth hangs open yet again.

In Dr. Toni Pavone's office, Felicity is explaining the situation at the Health Centre. Dr. Pavone thinks that Felicity should keep the job and that if Jim were in her office complaining that Felicity got the job, she'd tell him to grow up. According to Dr. Pavone, there will be thousands of Jims in Felicity's life and most of the time they will get the jobs because they have penes. Felicity rolls her eyes and says that she doesn't agree. Dr. Pavone tells her she doesn't have to agree because those are the facts. Felicity has completed her community service and Dr. Pavone signs off on the paperwork.

At Dean & Deluca, Felicity is making a coffee while Javier tells her that he has decided against the liposuction because he saw some of his interview with Sean. He elaborates that two things "struck him in the face." One is that he is "not so bad looking" and the other is that his English "is fantastic." Felicity laughs and then Greg appears at the counter. They go out on the street to talk. He tells her about his past "drug problem" and that he has been "clean for years." Felicity wonders why he is telling her this and he tells her that he wanted her to hear it from him, not Ben. Felicity is astounded that Ben is aware of the Greg's history and wonders why. Greg blathers that he needs Felicity to work with him and plans to hire her and pay her out of his salary. Felicity rejects the offer and says that she'll volunteer. He reiterates the university's policy of limiting the number of volunteers. Felicity gets an idea about how to get around the rules.

Felicity spies Doug at the Health Centre and tells him not to let all the blood in the clinic get to him. He takes the bait and asks, "What blood?" She tells him some horror stories about gore he might encounter there, then feels guilty and recants. She begs him to let her have his volunteer job and promises to owe him a favour. Doug apparently was labouring under the misapprehension that his position was a paid one. He is somewhat shocked when he discovers the truth.

Back at the apartment, Sean asks Tracy why Elena is so competitive. Tracy says that Elena thinks she has to prove herself to everyone but he thinks that she "is the one person who doesn't have to."

Sean and Richard are working on the video again at the loft and they decide they need some emotion or tears in it. Ben comes home having completed his community service and he has an envelope with Knoll's name on it, which was turned into the Lost and Found office. Sean grabs the envelope and says, "I think we have our tears." Richard says, "Paydirt!"

Sean interviews Knoll again at the apartment and Knoll discusses how he is going to explain losing the exams to the professor. Richard hands the envelope to Knoll and smirks, "Let's just say we're not just documentarians, we're your guardian angels." Knoll thinks they've had the exams the whole time and he attacks them. What was that about tears again?

Javier's giving his assessment of Julie, on camera at Dean & Deluca. He thinks that she is cute but qualifies his statement with, "If I were not gay -- no, I still wouldn't like her, but she's cute." I say: Straight or gay, there's no need for anyone to imagine liking her.

Speaking of Julie, now it is her turn to be interviewed by Sean. Of course, since she wants to look good on camera, she wears a hat made of Astroturf for the event. Sean asks her what she is looking for in a guy. Julie wants someone who loves her "despite all of the obvious problems." She doesn't think she'll ever find that guy but Sean begs to differ. I beg for someone to mow her lawn.

At Epstein Bar, Ben is sitting alone at a table with his head in his hands. Felicity comes in and sits down at the table and asks how he knew about Greg. Ben tells her that Greg is trouble. Felicity is not interested in hearing that at the moment. Ben confesses to reading Greg's student file because he didn't trust him and now he knows why. Felicity scolds that Ben had no right to go snooping. He reminds her that she did the same thing to him. Naturally, Felicity says that was different because she was in love with him. Ben stares at her and Felicity suddenly realizes how he feels about her. Ben says, "You do what ever you want. I don't care," and leaves.

Felicity is on the phone at the Health Centre and Jim walks up and gives her a flower before leaving. Greg comes to the desk to say that he's glad she's back and plants a smooch on her. Felicity looks wistful as Greg walks away.

Doug from the Health Centre is now working at Dean & Deluca. He is clearly holding a muffin on a plate but he tells a female customer that he thinks it is a bagel. Whoa, dude, are you a friend of Greg's from back when he was still using? Javier appears with an actual bagel and hands it to the customer. He tells Doug that he is going to introduce him to a mop.

Sean is in the middle of recording his closing spiel "to whom it may concern at the Independent Film Channel," when Ben stomps into the loft and slams his door. Sean cites the interruption as proof of the compelling drama they are documenting.

In an interview with Meghan, Sean asks her why she decided to become an RA. Meghan says it was because she lost a bet.

In the final interview scene with Javier, Sean asks for his opinion of Meghan. Javier ends the show with, "She scares me to death." I guess he didn't see Julie's Chia hat.