The show opens with a long, silent shot of Felicity sitting on her bed, in darkness. Remember when every shot of this show had all these shadows? Anyway, Felicity sits there and listens to the sirens wailing on the streets outside her dorm room, and then brings the tape recorder up to her mouth. "Dear Sally," she begins, and then goes on, "Okay, listen. You're not going to believe this."
Neil Finn's "She Will Have Her Way" plays (and I begin thinking about Sports Night) as we see a huge crane shot across a city street, ending by focusing on Felicity walking down the street in slow motion. Felicity voice-over (and I'm going to steal from the excellent My So-Called Life recaps and just call it FVO from here on out) says that New York is the best, even though she was scared to walk down the sidewalk at first. She compares walking down the sidewalk to being "a snowflake in a crazy blizzard," but then she realized that each person is one snowflake. The camera pans around Felicity on a pay phone as FVO says that she's sure her parents are worried about her, so she's called them "a few times, leaving, like, ten-minute messages on their machine."
Now Felicity is in a classroom, and everything is still in slow motion. Maybe if they show all of the footage in slow motion, they only have to shoot half as much, and then they can use the money they save on things like that big fancy crane shot in the scene. FVO says that this is the thing that Sally won't believe -- Felicity was feeling okay about "the whole Ben thing," and saw it as "a stupid crush" that "didn't work out, and that's all. . Over." In the classroom, Felicity sees Ben walk in and sit down. FVO says that she thought things might be weird with Julie, "because of what happened," but they talked, and Julie is totally over Ben, too. Julie walks up behind Felicity in the classroom. FVO concludes, "So, we were both over Ben," as we see Felicity and Julie both staring at Ben in the classroom. Clearly, neither one is over him.
Students are exiting the classroom in regular motion. Julie is lugging that stupid guitar. Ben walks up behind Julie and Felicity and says, "Hey!" They both greet him; Julie realizes that Ben wants to talk to Felicity, and says goodbye. Once Julie is gone, Ben turns to Felicity and says, "So, you're staying." Felicity says that she is, and Ben grins at her and chuckles. Man, he's cute. Oh, sorry. Felicity wants to know what he's laughing about, and Ben says, "Nothing. I just can't figure you out." FVO says that it "sort of threw [her] when he said that, and at the time, [she] didn't know what to make of it." Ben walks past Felicity out of the classroom, and she stares after him. Isn't that just like a boy you have a crush on, and then you think you're over him, and then he goes and does or says something nice, and the crush comes back?
FVO says, "Finally, the thing you're not going to believe." I thought her being over Ben was the part we wouldn't believe. Guess not. I didn't believe she was over Ben, anyway. Felicity is doing some filing at her work-study job in the admissions office. FVO says (and we see) that her supervisor came up and told her that "a young man" called and asked whether it was possible to access college application essays -- specifically, he wanted to see Felicity's. The supervisor said no, and the caller hung up without leaving a name. The supervisor congratulates Felicity on "having an admirer." Felicity looks shocked as the supervisor (who is an older lady, probably in her late sixties at least -- and this is important later) walks out.
Knoll is typing some stuff into his computer when there is a knock at his door. He tells the person to hold on, as he tells himself that he's just "finishing a really bad sentence." I know how that feels, brother. Remember when Knoll wasn't an insufferable prig? Remember when I didn't use the phrase "remember when" ten times per recap? Knoll answers the door, and Felicity is standing there. He's happy to see her. She tells him that she finished the floor calendar. He looks at it and pronounces it "perfect." Felicity asks him whether he called the admissions office to ask for her essay. Knoll doesn't understand. Felicity tells him to forget about it. Knoll really wants to know why she asked. Felicity looks at him for a minute, trying to figure out how much she should tell him, and then asks to come in. Knoll says sure, and they walk into his room and close the door.
Once inside, Felicity hesitates, and then tells Knoll she finds it really easy to talk to him. Knoll smiles and says he feels the same way. Felicity says that when she asked him "that question" and he said yes, it made it harder for her to talk to him. Knoll says he needs to clear something up, regarding his saying he had feelings for her; he says he gets feelings for people all the time, because he's "a sensitive guy." Knoll says that he gets crushes on everyone. Felicity's all, "You do? Oh. Okay." Knoll tells her not to "blow it out of proportion," and blames it on the RA/new freshman relationship, explaining that it was "a power trip kind of thing." Do you think he's explaining way too much? Yeah, me too. Knoll concludes by saying that he does have feelings for Felicity -- he likes her -- but "it's all just natural and unromantic as hell." He looks at Felicity to see whether she bought it, and then asks whether he's blushing. Felicity replies, "Sort of." Knoll stands up and takes off his flannel shirt (don't worry, he's got another shirt underneath) as Felicity sits down. She reminds Knoll (and the audience) that she read Ben's college application essay. Knoll looks relieved that they're changing the subject, and sits down, saying that this is about Ben. Felicity gets weirded out, and stands up to go. Knoll tells her it's okay, and she sits back down. Felicity says that she thinks Ben is uncomfortable that Felicity read his admissions essay when he hasn't read hers, so she thinks he might have called the admissions office to try to get it. Okay, at this point in their relationship, she is assuming that Ben thinks about her way too much. And that Ben is smart enough to come up with that plan. Knoll clarifies that Felicity doesn't want Ben to see her essay. Felicity says, "No way -- mostly because it's about him." Knoll smirks and asks, "Your college application essay is about Ben?" Felicity ignores him and tries to get things back on topic by saying that she can't show Ben her essay, because it would be humiliating. Knoll says that her instincts are right, but I think Knoll has an ulterior motive. Felicity says, "Okay. [pause] I think I'm going to." Knoll wonders if she was asking for his advice, and Felicity says she was "using [him] as a bouncing board." I'll bet Knoll would love it if Felicity used him as a bouncing board, if you know what I'm saying. Felicity talks, as if to herself, saying that she's not going to hand it to Ben, but will mail it instead. Felicity, decision made, gets up to leave, and Knoll goes after her, saying that he thinks it's a mistake, and that "this is coming from someone who doesn't even slightly have a crush on you." Felicity considers for a millisecond, and then says she's still going to send Ben the essay. Knoll tells her not to come back unless she's going to listen to him, and Felicity laughs at him and thanks him as she walks out.
As we see Felicity addressing and stamping an envelope, FVO says she has a new theory: that you can never be ashamed of the truth. Felicity concludes her tape to Sally by saying that she hopes Sally is happy in Santa Fe, and that she misses her. On the street, Felicity takes a bunch of envelopes out of her bag and drops them into a mailbox without a second thought. She walks into a college building, and opens the door to an office. Seated in her counselor's office are her parents. They stand up when Felicity enters. Felicity asks what they're doing there. Her parents awkwardly look around. Her counselor tells her to come in and close the door. Felicity stares at her parents, and then follows her counselor's orders. Her father says they're there because they "want to find out why [Felicity] is so adamant about New York." Felicity confusedly states that they were supposed to go back home and then asks, "You lied to me?" Her father claims that they didn't lie. Felicity reminds him that she asked if the flight was bumpy, and her father says they just said that they were fine. Okay, Mr. Semantics, it was still a lie of omission. Felicity asks her counselor what he told her parents. He says he told her parents to talk to her about it. Mrs. Porter says that they need to understand "this big switch," and that someone named Nancy asked whether Felicity was on drugs. Felicity can't believe they think she's on drugs. Mr. Porter says that they don't know what to think. Felicity still can't believe that her parents could imagine that she's there because she's on drugs. Mrs. Porter asks whether they did something to make Felicity angry. Mr. Porter adds that they can't get answers anywhere -- from Felicity, from the admissions office, from her counselor. Felicity's like, "Whoa, back this train up. Admissions office?" Mr. Porter says that he tried to get a copy of her admissions essay. Felicity is stunned as she realizes the mistake she has made, and says, "Oh, God. I can't believe this!" and runs out of the office. Mr. Porter says, "She was never like this before."
There's a knock at Knoll's door. He answers it to find some guy named "Larry," who we'll never see again, and who is having problems with some guy we don't see until later named "Louis." Apparently, Louis talks in his sleep. Knoll agrees that it would be annoying. Larry says the problem is that the problem is that when Louis talks in his sleep, the "subject matter" is buying knives and killing his roommate. Knoll says he'll talk to Louis. Knoll looks uncomfortable and closes the door. What was that scene about?
Felicity is at the college post office. She asks the Indifferent Postman behind the counter whether he can tell her if a letter she sent has arrived. She describes the envelope to him, and finished up, "Please?" Indifferent Postman says that he's not supposed to give information about other students. Felicity says that she sent Ben an invitation, and she needs to know if he got it, but she doesn't know which box is his. Indifferent Postman continues to stare at her and then grabs a key and walks off. Felicity walks to the bank of post office boxes and peers through one until she sees Indifferent Postman in the back. He pulls some mail out of one of the boxes and holds up Felicity's envelope to her. Then, he puts the mail back in the box and walks back to the counter. Felicity meets him there with a sweet smile, and asks if there is any way he could give her back the envelope. Indifferent Postman says, "Give it to you? Okay, um, no." Felicity says she needs the envelope, but Indifferent Postman tells her it would be a federal offense. Felicity promises she won't tell anyone. Indifferent Postman says, "Which might be fine for you. However, I have a conscience." Felicity screws up her face and asks what that's supposed to mean. Indifferent Postman gives her a look like, "You figure it out." Suddenly, Ben is there, and calls out to Felicity with a big grin on his face as he prepares to open his mailbox. Felicity walks over and acts surprised to see him as he pulls his mail out of the box. Ben asks whether she's okay, because she seems weird. Felicity continues to make small talk while she stares at the mail in his hand. Of course, someone conveniently comes along and bumps into Ben, causing him to drop all of his mail. Felicity helps him pick it up, and they both end up grabbing the envelope containing Felicity's essay at the same time. Oh, Contrivance, welcome back. Felicity tries not to look too upset as she lets go of the envelope. Ben tells her that he thinks it's really good that she's staying. Felicity has no reply, and Ben walks off. Felicity heaves a big sigh.
Knoll is talking to Louis, asking him whether he's thinking of buying any knives or killing his roommate. Louis hesitates just a bit too long before answering no to both questions. Knoll tells Louis that he's not very convincing, but then he sees Felicity returning to her room and takes off, because his crush is more important than a potential killer on his floor.
Felicity enters her room; seconds later, Knoll knocks on the door and enters. She tells Knoll that it was her dad, not Ben, who was asking about her essay. Knoll looks relieved and says that at least she didn't send her essay to Ben yet. Felicity gives him a look, and Knoll realizes that she did. Felicity says that, years from now, Ben will look back on college and remember her as "that obsessive girl with frizzy hair who not only followed him across country but then just began randomly sending him information about herself, as if he'd ever asked for any." Well, when you put it that way. Knoll jokes that she's okay if she can live with that. Felicity says that on top of everything, she has to meet with her parents and her counselor in a "horrible mediation attempt." Knoll says that he thinks Felicity should invite her parents to see her dorm and meet her RA (Knoll), suggesting that will make them feel better about the whole thing. Felicity asks whether he thinks it's the best plan of action, and Knoll says that he does. Felicity appreciates Knoll's not saying, "I told you so," about sending Ben the essay. Knoll says, "You're welcome. Although that is all I'm thinking." Felicity quickly adds, "I know."
Felicity's parents are in their hotel room. Mr. Porter is on the phone, urging someone named Mark to make it sound as good as it can. Mr. Porter gets a call on the other line, and when he says Felicity's name, Mrs. Porter's head whips around. Cut to Felicity in her dorm room with Knoll, on the phone. If she has a phone in her room, why was she calling from a pay phone in the opening? Mr. Porter gets rid of his other call and Mrs. Porter picks up the extension and apologizes for surprising Felicity with their visit. Felicity says that she was thinking they might want to come by and see her dorm before their meeting with her counselor. Mr. and Mrs. Porter are delighted. Felicity gives them a time and the address, and hangs up. Felicity says they are coming, and Knoll says, "I can't wait." Felicity says, "What?" Knoll answers, "To meet the people that made you." Okay, that's a little creepy. ["Ew. Except for the 'a little' part." -- Wing Chun] Meghan walks in and starts looking for something in her closet. Felicity tells Meghan that her parents are coming by, and asks whether Meghan could put away a few of her skulls. Meghan considers for a minute, and then says, "No," and walks out. Knoll says, "She's got a point." Hee!
Felicity leads her parents down the hallway in the dorm, trying to convince them that it's nice and safe. Mrs. Porter thinks that it smells like beer, but Felicity attributes the odor to the shampoo they use on the rugs. Felicity and her parents enter the room, Felicity smiling brightly and her parents looking around, inspecting everything. Mr. Porter asks about some of the decorations, and Felicity says that they belong to Meghan, who is "a freak" and "seriously weird," although they get along great. Just then, Meghan enters the room, and Felicity introduces her to Mr. and Mrs. Porter. Meghan says, "You think I'm weird? You're the one who wears Hush Puppies," and leaves. Mr. and Mrs. Porter give each other a look. Mrs. Porter tries to smooth things over, and Felicity explains that it's "that difficult period" and they're just getting to know each other. Mr. Porter comments that Felicity has a nice view, but that she should clean the window. What an ass. Felicity asks what they think. Mrs. Porter says, "It's a lot bigger than I expected." No shit. It's huge! Felicity replies, "I know! Can you believe how much I lucked out? I mean, most people have these closet-sized rooms." Yeah, I'm still not buying it.
There's a knock at the door. Felicity yells, "Come in!" Knoll sticks his head in and says, "Hey, when do the overbearing parents get here?" D'oh! I had totally forgotten about this and just gasped out loud when it happened. Knoll looks over and sees the Porters standing there. He walks into the room and tries to stammer an apology. Felicity, sounding like she's near tears, introduces Knoll to her parents. Mr. Porter asks Knoll whether he works there. Knoll says that he's a sophomore, and Felicity's RA, and then adds, "I am so horrifyingly apologetic for that...that transgression." Mrs. Porter smiles and says it's okay, but Mr. Porter is still silent. Knoll tries to explain that those were his words, and not Felicity's, but Felicity mutters to him, "Drop it." Knoll comments that he's made a "pretty bad impression," and none of the Porters argue. Larry calls to Knoll from the hallway, and walks in carrying a knife, saying that Louis has taken the first step. Knoll promises to talk to him. The Porters look on, horrified. Felicity gapes at them, open-mouthed. Could this be going any worse? An alarm starts ringing, and Mrs. Porter asks what it is. Knoll explains that it's a fire alarm, but that it almost never means that there's a real fire. Oh, I remember dorm life, when drunken idiots would set off the fire alarm at 4:00 AM, and we all had to trudge outside in our pajamas in the snow and stand there until the fire trucks came. Boy, I don't miss that. Knoll says that they "evacuate in an orderly fashion." They all walk out. Knoll tries to apologize to Mr. Porter again, but Mr. Porter curtly tells him to "let it go." Felicity walks out, giving Knoll a reproachful look as she passes him.
Felicity's counselor says that parent/child conflicts are complicated, and that they probably won't solve anything there, but that he wants them to have "a safe place to hear each other out." He asks Mr. Porter to start out by asking some questions. Mr. Porter points out that they never insisted or gave ultimatums, but that Felicity has always wanted to go to Stanford and be pre-med. Hey, that's not a question. Now, Felicity is in New York, and she might not even be pre-med anymore. Still not a question. Mr. Porter finally asks Felicity to put herself in their position, and see why they can't understand what she's doing. Felicity says that there was a guy in high school for whom she had feelings, and he came to college in New York. Mrs. Porter incredulously says, "You came here for a boy?" Felicity weakly admits, "Well, initially." Mr. Porter says, "You're going to scrap Stanford University because of a crush?" The counselor jumps in and says that he doesn't think that the "young man" is the reason Felicity chose to stay. Felicity says, "I came here because of Ben, but I'm staying because of me." Mr. Porter asks whether they were being too controlling, and Felicity says no. Mrs. Porter asks what it was. Felicity explains that she and her mother used to go out for dinner together every Tuesday night, and that Felicity loved it. But the other night, she was eating a hamburger in the dining hall and realized it was Tuesday. Felicity hesitates, saying that this sounds stupid, but her mother encourages her to go on. Felicity says, "Suddenly, it was the best hamburger." I thought that line was kind of cheesy, but then I thought of a line that would have been cheesier: "That hamburger tasted like freedom." Hee! Felicity explains that it was because she was on her own. Mrs. Porter (who, it must be said, has a terrible Farrah Fawcett thing going on) looks upset. Mr. Porter says that it's wonderful that Felicity is feeling "that rush of independence," but adds that she doesn't need to go all the way to New York "to have a burger on [her] own terms." Felicity says she doesn't know why, but she thinks being there is important. Mrs. Porter agrees, and then adds, with tears in her voice, that it's so important that she doesn't know why Felicity should come home for Thanksgiving. Felicity asks what she means. Mrs. Porter says that if Felicity wants to stay in New York, she should stay in New York, and adds that she didn't know Tuesdays were such a problem for Felicity. Felicity tries to explain that Mrs. Porter is taking this the wrong way. Mrs. Porter says she never meant to embarrass Felicity, nor to be overbearing. The counselor jumps in to try to clarify, but Mrs. Porter says she understands perfectly, and that she's going back to the hotel. Mr. Porter tries to get her to stay. Felicity just looks confused. Mrs. Porter leaves. Felicity, her dad, and the counselor sit there silently for a moment. Mr. Porter says, "She's just...excuse me." He gets up and leaves, too. Felicity looks horrified and upset.
Julie exits her dorm room and locks the door. Ben walks up and says something about her guitar, asking if it's a Martin. Julie says it's not, and adds that she couldn't afford a Martin. Ben asks how things are going, because he hasn't seen her around. Julie says that she's still trying to figure out her schedule. Ben makes another crack about playing the guitar, and chuckles at himself. It's very awkward. Ben finally asks Julie whether she's avoiding him, and she replies, "A little." Ben asks whether it's because of Felicity or him. Julie looks at the floor and says, "It's not you. It's not Felicity either. I gotta go." She walks away. Ben says, "That doesn't mean I never get to hear you play, though." Ben is clearly a masochist. Julie says she's sure he'll be lucky enough to hear that, and walks away. Ben thinks real hard.
As Sarah McLachlan sings "Good Enough" in the background, Felicity sits alone in the cafeteria. Julie sees her and approaches the table, asking what Felicity is doing. Felicity says that she just had the meeting with her parents, and that she's never seen her mother like that. Julie asks how they left things. Felicity says that her father wants to have dinner that night and try again. Felicity says that her mother was so angry, and that when Felicity said why she came there, her mother looked like Felicity "stabbed her in the heart." Julie says that Felicity's parents feel rejected. Felicity asks what she means. Julie explains that the Porters never expected Felicity to "break off on [her] own," and that they feel rejected because she's rejecting all of their plans. Julie says that she has the reverse problem; her parents have always expected her to break off on her own, so they try too hard to make her happy. Felicity asks why Julie's parents always thought she would leave. Julie looks up and says, "It's complicated. It's not that complicated. They're my adoptive parents." Felicity blinks. Julie says that she loves her parents, so Felicity shouldn't need to feel sorry for her. Felicity says that she doesn't. Julie says that her parents are great, and that she doesn't know why she makes such a big deal out of nothing. Felicity asks what she's talking about. Julie says that her parents don't know that she found out her birth mom's name, and that she lives in New York. Felicity asks if that's why Julie came to New York. Julie doesn't answer, but her look says that it is, and she adds that her parents would be really hurt if they found out. Felicity promises not to say anything. They both sit there with tears in their eyes, and Felicity says, "God. I feel all grown up." Julie adds, "Me too."
Felicity is in the dorm bathroom, putting on makeup. Knoll comes up to the door and asks whether there is anyone else in there. Another voice says, "Yeah!" and a toilet flushes. What is this, All in the Family? Knoll stays outside and apologizes for what he did with her parents. Felicity says that he was just being honest. Knoll still thinks it was one of the dumbest things he's ever done. Oh, he should just wait -- he's going to do plenty of dumb things in upcoming seasons. Knoll asks whether her parents said anything about him. The owner of the other voice from earlier swings the door open and says, "It's all yours." Knoll walks in and asks whether Felicity's parents hated him. Felicity says that they didn't. Knoll adds, "But they didn't say that." Hey, way to make Felicity's problem all about you, Knoll! Felicity says that, to her parents, Knoll is "one more piece of straw in this whole miserable haystack." Felicity sighs and looks back in the mirror, then asks Knoll if she looks okay. Knoll, surprised at the questions, says that she does. Well, of course he's going to say that. He loves her. Have I mentioned yet how much this whole season would be improved with a healthy infusion of Javier?
Mr. Porter walks down the dorm hallway, and Knoll calls out to him. Mr. Porter turns around, and Knoll apologizes yet again. Mr. Porter ascertains that Knoll is the RA, and then asks whether Felicity is okay there. Knoll says that Felicity is "like a chick." Is that really what you want to say to someone's dad? Mr. Porter is all, "A chick?" Knoll explains that he meant a baby chicken, and that he was going to use a metaphor. Mr. Porter tells him not to use metaphors, and just to tell him if Felicity is okay. Knoll says that she is; he adds that he's looking out for her, and that if things get difficult, he'll do what he can to make them better. Mr. Porter asks whether the knife thing turned out okay, and Knoll assures him that it's under control. Mr. Porter thanks him, conveniently just in time for Felicity to walk down the hall. She asks where her mom is, and Mr. Porter says that she wasn't feeling well. They leave.
At the fancy restaurant, Felicity and her dad awkwardly sit at the table. Mr. Porter says that he doesn't want to have the same discussion every time they are together; he wants Felicity at Stanford, but he doesn't know why he's fighting her, because it's her life, not his. Exactly. He adds that it's hard for "someone like [him] to swallow." Mr. Porter makes one last attempt and asks Felicity whether she's sure she wants to stay in New York. Felicity says she thinks so. Mr. Porter says they should talk practically about how she's going to do that. If she went to Stanford, he was going to pay her tuition, and he's still prepared to do that. Felicity looks surprised. Mr. Porter says that he wants to be fair; he points out that if she had lived at home, they wouldn't have had the expense of room and board, so he thinks she should pay that herself. Felicity says he doesn't have to do that. Mr. Porter says that he wants his one daughter to go to college, and that it's important to him. Felicity thanks him and stares at him like she's trying to understand.
Felicity talks to her counselor, saying that she remembers thunderstorms when she was little. She'd be lying in her bed, terrified. FVO continues as we see Mrs. Porter packing up her things in the hotel room, saying that her mom would come in and comfort her. The Porters walk out of their hotel as FVO says that her mom would help her fall asleep when she was scared. Mrs. Porter pauses on the sidewalk as FVO says she doesn't understand why her mom is so hurt that she's in New York, because her mom was always the one who understood her. Mrs. Porter sits in a cab as FVO says that this is how growing up happens. Mrs. Porter gets off an elevator and looks around, then knocks on Felicity's dorm room door. When there's no answer, she tries the knob. Mrs. Porter hears Julie playing her guitar, and instead of running away like a normal person, follows the sound down the hall and asks if Julie knows Felicity. Felicity asks the counselor if he's ever had a student who felt guilty about growing up. Felicity exits the counselor's office to find her mom standing there. Mrs. Porter tells Felicity to sit down, and then says that she met Mr. Porter when she was young, which is why she had that reaction when Felicity said she followed a boy to college: "It sounded so familiar." Mrs. Porter says that she had Felicity when she was twenty, and that she wouldn't trade it for anything, but that all her visions and dreams for her life started disappearing, and none of that is Felicity's fault. Mrs. Porter adds that she didn't mean the things she said, and that she lives for the Tuesday dinners with Felicity. Felicity says, "I liked them, too." Mrs. Porter kindly says that she thinks that they were a little too important for her, and that she doesn't know what it's going to be like without Felicity at home. Felicity asks what she means. Mrs. Porter says that she's "a little terrified," but that she's proud of her brave daughter, and that she can't wait to see her at Thanksgiving. Aw, I'm welling up here. Just then, Ben walks up. Felicity looks embarrassed and asks how it's going. Ben says he got the essay she sent him. Felicity tries to play it off. Ben says that she wrote about him. Mrs. Porter offers to leave, but Felicity tells her to stay and introduces Ben to her mom. Ben says, "So, I'll see you." Felicity repeats it back to him. Ben walks off, and Felicity and her mom lean forward to watch him go. I don't blame them -- he sure fills out a pair of jeans. Mrs. Porter says that Ben is cute. Felicity agrees.
This part is all in slow motion. Mr. Porter sees Felicity and Mrs. Porter walk out of the building. He hugs Felicity. Mrs. Porter hugs Felicity. Felicity watches her parents get into their cab, and waves goodbye as they pull away. She looks worried, like she suddenly realized what she's gotten herself into, and that her parents really are leaving. I wish I could tell her all the things that are going to happen to her in the few years. Then again, maybe that's not such a good idea.