The show opens with a black screen, and then the word "Felicity" appears in white script. We hear a siren wailing in the background, and other street noises, as we see the silhouette of a young woman seated on a bed looking out the window. Close-up on a very young-looking Keri Russell, who takes a deep breath, pauses, and then says, "Dear Sally." Hey, that's cool that the show started out that way, and they have kept the continuity by starting many of the episodes the same way. Oh, by the way, I'm not pretending like we haven't all seen these people before, and don't know what's going to happen, because come on. Felicity continues, "You should probably be sitting down for this." Cue the Snuffy Walden background music, which invokes My So-Called Life flashbacks. "First of all, everything was fine. I mean, you know, on paper. High school was going exactly as it was supposed to." Cut to a high-school graduation scene, while Felicity continues in voice-over. "I mean, in three months, I'd be at Stanford, pre-med. Then in four years, Stanford Med School. Then I'd start my residency at one of the Stanford hospitals. My dad was thrilled." Some anonymous guy receives his diploma and shakes the principal's hand. Felicity mentions that her dad has had her life planned out for her since she was "pretty much a zygote," as we see her edging forward in the line of graduates, wearing her cap and gown, and looking apprehensive. There are a couple of shots of her fellow graduates smiling and laughing as Felicity continues, "I was surrounded by people actually looking forward to their lives." Ooh, trivia alert! The announcer calls out "Benjamin Stephen Covington," so now we know Ben's middle name! We see Ben grinning and walking across the stage in slow motion as Felicity tries to get a peek while waiting in line. Close-up on Ben getting his diploma and doing the tassel switchover thing with kind of a dorky smirk on his face. I don't know what kind of wacky order this school uses, because up is "Felicity Elizabeth Porter, graduates with honors." We get a shot of Felicity's parents in the audience, and Mrs. Porter has a video camera. But I guess we wouldn't know they are her parents at this point, right? Her parents stand up and her dad practically has an orgasm as Felicity is handed her diploma. The voice-over continues, "My parents' reaction was typically understated," as we see the Porters giggling and taking pictures and generally making spectacles of themselves. Felicity does the tassel thing and gives one last backward glance to her parents before leaving the stage. So, it's been subtly established that Felicity's parents are overbearing. Well, except for the part about "subtly."
Cut to a boring Commencement speaker. She says, "Important day blah blah blah savor the possibilities blah blah blah enjoy life blah blah blah carpe diemcakes." Felicity appears to be lost in thought until her fellow graduates start applauding. The voice-over continues, "They say that crash victims, people that lose a limb, they can still feel the missing arm or leg, even after it's gone." Where could she possibly be going with this? Have I mentioned yet how happy I am that this show lightened up a little in later episodes? No? Well, I am. I'm sure it'll come up again before the recap is over. Anyway, Felicity continues, "It's called phantom pain, right?" We see a shot of the graduates throwing their caps in the air, except Felicity, who just holds hers in her hands. Voice-over: "Well, suddenly, I had this horrible thought. What if high school went away, but the feeling of it didn't? I mean, I didn't feel joy, or sorrow, or anticipation. Things were going so well, but all I could feel was dread." So, it's been subtly established that Felicity is feeling ambivalent about graduating from high school. Again, except for the "subtly" part.
Cut to a shot of Ben talking to someone on a field, and as we pan out, we can see he is angrily yelling at an older woman, possibly his mother. Felicity says, "Three years ago, I held a pint of Ben Covington's blood. I was volunteering at the tenth-grade blood drive. That's just about as close as we ever got." Ew, that is kind of gross. I mean, Ben is cute and all, but I don't know if I would be proud of holding his bodily fluids. ["Word. It's like he's Billy Bob Thornton and she's Angelina Jolie." -- Wing Chun] Felicity walks along a chain-link fence and watches Ben argue. The voice-over continues, "It's funny. Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can pretty much change your life forever." Do you think the writers were consciously trying to make Felicity sound like Angela Chase would if we ever got to see her graduate from high school? We hear Ben telling the woman that he "cannot deal with this today," and the woman says, "Fine," and walks away. Ben starts to walk away as well, and Felicity interrupts and introduces herself. Ben says he knows her, and they shake hands. Felicity hesitantly asks him to sign her yearbook. Ben says he doesn't have his with him. Who would bring a yearbook to graduation, anyway? Where would you put it while you were walking across the stage? Felicity says it's okay, and hands him her yearbook and a pen. I don't know if it's the hat or what, but Felicity's hair is looking flat in this scene, especially considering how fluffy it gets later in the season. Ben uncaps the pen, and Felicity stammers that she just got it today, which is why there aren't any signatures, except for "Mr. Johnson," and then she babbles a bit more, and Ben looks like he's really not listening. In case you couldn't tell by how hot Ben is, I think we're supposed to discover that Felicity is kind of a dork and Ben is a Big Man on Campus. Ben asks Felicity to give him a minute to "do this" and then sits down on the ground. Felicity looks surprised, since she was probably expecting something like, "Have a great summer! See you around." Ben proceeds to practically write War and Peace while Felicity paces around awkwardly and finally sits down to him on the grass. Ben finishes with a flourish and hands the yearbook back, saying, "Thanks for asking." Felicity wishes him luck, and he returns the wish. Ben gets up and leaves, and Felicity immediately opens the yearbook as the voice-over continues: "So, this is what Ben Covington wrote. 'Dear Felicity: Here it goes. I've watched you for four years and always wondered what you were like, what was going on in your mind all that time when you were so quiet, just thinking, or drawing in your notebook. I should have just asked you but I never did. So now, four years later, I don't even know you. But I admire you. Well, this makes me sound crazy, but I'm okay with that. Take care of yourself. Love, Ben.'" While reading the inscription, the expression on Felicity's face changes from confusion to incredulity. While we see a shot of Ben's retreating back, she finishes, "'P.S. I would've said "keep in touch," but unfortunately we never were in touch.'" The voice-over ends, and Felicity yells to Ben, "Hey! Where are you going to college?" Ben answers, "New York. What about you?" Felicity laughs and says haltingly, "That's pretty unclear." They wave goodbye to one another and Felicity turns around with her hand over her mouth. The voice-over continues, "Suddenly, I knew what everyone else was feeling." Felicity smiles.
Cut to Felicity rifling through some papers on a desk until she finds what she's looking for: an application to the "University of New York." She holds it up, and we see that she's wearing a very un-Felicity-like blue dress. I know I'm picking nits here, but there is more than one college in New York. How did she know which one Ben would be attending? She looks at the application for a moment and then races out of the room.
Cut to Mr. Porter angrily saying, "How long has this been going on in your mind? Could you have waited any longer to drop this bomb?" Felicity looks to be on the verge of tears as she tells her father she just decided today, and she called the university and was told it would have to be "extraordinary circumstances" for her to be admitted so late. Mr. Porter says that Felicity can make this decision, but he will "not in any way financially support it." Felicity mumbles something about student loans and work-study, and her father scoffs. Mr. Porter says, "I worked this hard so you wouldn't have to go through what I did" and Felicity retorts, "No, Dad, you made it so I'd have to go through exactly what you did. I know you want me to follow in your footsteps but I just...basically, I can't." Mr. Porter just shakes his head and walks away, like, way to be supportive. But then again, at this point, do we expect any less? Felicity concludes in a voice-over, "That was the worst summer of my life."
New York City skyline. New York City street, replete with car horns honking and some random guy crossing the street. Finally, we see Felicity getting out of a cab with a couple of suitcases and a couple of bags, which is about one-fifth of the crap I took to college my freshman year. But then again, I ended up taking most of it home at Thanksgiving, when I realized I didn't need it all, so I guess she's smart. Felicity crosses the street and stops in front of a building with a canopy that reads "Kelvin Hall" as the voice-over says, "So, basically, I've given up everything my parents ever planned for me, everything I ever expected, all for a boy I don't even know." Felicity enters Kelvin Hall.
A door opens, and Felicity enters and looks around the biggest dorm room in the world, not to mention the best lit. There's even a chair! In my day, we stole chairs from the lounge, and we liked it! My dorm room was about a quarter the size of hers, with one puny window that got sunlight from 8 to 9 AM, which was exactly when I didn't want it. The camera pans over to the other side of the football-field-sized room, where someone has clearly already taken residence, based on the clothes all over the floor and posters on the wall. We finally return to the initial shot of the episode, which features Felicity, in silhouetted profile, talking into her tape recorder. Get used to it, because you'll be seeing that shot a lot. She says, "I guess what I'm saying is...this all might be a colossal mistake, as my dad would say. But on the other hand, it might...maybe it'll save my life or something." Felicity finishes by asking Sally to "respond A.S.A.P." and clicks the recorder off. She takes out the tape and puts it in a padded envelope addressed to Sally Reardon in Santa Fe, New Mexico, then heaves a big sigh.
Felicity is standing in a line, and someone calls out, ", please." I think we can assume this is registration of some sort. Oh, she's getting her college ID picture taken. She asks Bored Picture-Taking Guy how he's doing and he snarkily answers, "Just great," and tells her to stand on the dot. She asks him whether her hair is a disaster, like he cares. She continues that she'll have to look at this picture for the four years, "and that's a really long time." The guy just stares at her open-mouthed as someone yells, "Hey, what are you doing here?" It's Ben! Felicity gives him a big "hi!" and then stammers that she's going here, and she "totally forgot" that he was, too. Ben says it's "so unbelievable" and then bends and gives kisses the heretofore unseen girl standing to him. Ben explains that he went to high school with Felicity. He introduces his honey as "Susan" and then says, "And this is uh...this is uh..." and Felicity jumps in, "Felicity!" Oh, how sad. She followed him to New York and he can't even remember her name. It's like she gave him her heart and he gave her a pen. Ben says he'll see her around, and Felicity is staring at him like she can't even believe that he doesn't know her name after what he wrote in her yearbook. Felicity watches him walk off and then turns to get her picture taken, looking incredibly disappointed and hurt.
Felicity is sitting in her advisor's office, and she's telling him that she hasn't had much time to review the classes and schedules yet, and that she needs some time. He says that he got a phone call from her parents, that she's not the first student whose parents aren't happy about her choice in higher education, and that they're "concerned." Felicity says that they are "more than concerned -- they're insulted," and then asks him whether he thinks her coming to New York was a bad idea, too. He says that only she can answer that question, and that New York -- both the city and the university -- can be overwhelming. He tells her that it's best suited to the "independently-minded student" and that her parents "seem to imply that [she] might not fit into that category." Felicity looks offended. The advisor asks whether she has any specific interests outside of medicine. Felicity looks as if she's going to cry as she answers, "I draw, sometimes. I paint." She might has well have said, "My cat's breath smells like cat food." She brought some samples and hands them over. While the advisor looks at them, Felicity swallows hard and then asks, "My parents said that?" The advisor just looks at her. He's clearly no Toni Pavone.
A professor with crazy white hair stands in front of a classroom and talks about Alexander Pope. Felicity is sitting about halfway back in the lecture hall, and Ben is seated a few rows in front of her. She ignores the professor and stares at Ben; her eyes are red. Either she's been to a few too many frat parties in her first few days of college, or she's been crying. Ben is oblivious. Felicity continues to choke back tears, and the girl to her leans forward and looks at her with a concerned expression. It's Julie! I don't know why I was so excited that it was Julie. Let me try again. It's Julie. She writes a note and passes it to Felicity. It says, "You okay?" and then has places for Felicity to check either "No" or "I will be." Seriously, the last time I wrote a note that required checking something off was probably the third grade. Although, I preferred the more sophisticated method of writing, "Do you like me? If yes, sharpen your pencil. If no, get a drink from the drinking fountain." But I've always been a woman of action. A tear slides down Felicity's face as she smiles at Julie and checks off "I will be." She then writes in, "Thanks!" before passing it back. I note that Julie looked a lot prettier with longer hair. As the professor drones on, Julie writes another note and passes it over, which says, "Is our professor's hair...on backwards?" I will give her extra credit for correct use of ellipses. Felicity bursts out laughing, but almost manages to disguise it as a cough. The professor gives her a look, but Felicity pulls it together, before looking at Julie and giggling some more.
In the cafeteria, Felicity is telling Julie how overwhelming everything is. She mentions New York, college, and her schedule. Julie is glad to hear that someone else feels that way. Felicity says it's difficult to figure out "the system," and Julie says that the only classes she wanted were filled by the time she got there. Felicity mentions her "really mysterious roommate situation"; she hasn't met her roommate yet, although she does have "these bone sculptures." Julie says that her roommate has a phobia, so she cleans everything, with the result that their room smells like pine. Felicity is incredulous, so Julie says that her roommate wears "a face mask when she goes out." Felicity says it's crazy, and then they both agree that college is "terrifying." They both turn around when they hear a big clattering sound, to see that someone has dropped his tray. Predictably, everyone applauds and cheers, and the guy holds his arms up in the air in mock celebration. Julie says that is "so embarrassing" and "so something [she] would do." Felicity catches sight of Ben at the table, like she wouldn't have seen him earlier since he's less than ten feet away, and stares. Julie asks what she's looking at. Felicity says she'll be right back, and then introduces herself to Julie. Okay, I know the writers wanted us to take note of Julie's name, but is it realistic that they would walk from class to the cafeteria, get food and sit down together and not find out each other's names? No, I don't think that is realistic.
Felicity and Ben enter a stairwell, and Ben asks what's going on. Felicity is wearing a size XXL sweater that she must have borrowed from Dawson Leery. Felicity wants to "preface this" by saying she doesn't want Ben to "feel weird" about anything she's about to say. Ben smiles and agrees. Felicity sighs and says, "The thing is, I came to New York mostly...because of you." Ben looks confused. It's a good look for him, which is a good thing, because it's how he looks for much of the first season. Felicity continues by explaining that she had these "intense feelings" for him "back in high school," even through they never talked before graduation, except that one time when she was passing out flyers for the blood drive. Ben looks pained and shakes his head to indicate that he doesn't remember that. Felicity says that she probably had those intense feelings precisely because they didn't talk, and she knows now that it's crazy to follow someone she doesn't know three thousand miles, so she wanted Ben to know that she's past that. Ben is looking at her like she's insane. I mean, wouldn't you? ["Yes. I really don't know why she wouldn't keep this to herself." -- Wing Chun] She babbles on that it's not really about Ben anymore and concludes, "I'm here now because...I'm here." If you think about it, that's a pretty crafty tie-in to Felicity's big crisis in season two, where Toni Pavone kept asking her why she was in New York. I never really noticed that before. Probably because I haven't seen this episode since it first aired. Anyway, Felicity laughs, as does Ben. Felicity asks Ben what he's thinking, and he stammers a bit before saying that the whole thing flatters him. She says that's the perfect answer, and asks whether they can just be friends. Ben says, "Of course," while shaking his head no, which was somewhat weird, then touches her on the arm, and walks away. Felicity looks after him, probably thinking, "Friends, my ass!"
Felicity runs down the street in slow motion, and enters a building. In a voice-over, she tells us about her work-study job, filing student applications in the Admissions office. She says that the one "serious rule" is that she's supposed to respect the confidentiality of the documents, which means she's not supposed to read them. While she's saying this, we see a shot of her sitting on the floor, reading an application, and putting her hand on her heart.
Felicity is in her dorm room, on the phone with her parents. The door is open, and she's wearing a revealing nightgown, which is little more than a long tank top. Anyway, things clearly aren't going well with her parents, and she asks whether she can please hang up now. Noel appears in the doorway and just watches her, which is creepy. Felicity turns and yells in surprise, which causes Noel to yell back. He apologizes and introduces himself as "not a stalker," but "the resident advisor on the floor." Felicity hugs the phone to her chest. Maybe Little Miss Modesty shouldn't leave the door open. Noel babbles some more, that he's just stopping by to say, "Yo!" Do people really still say "yo" instead of "hello"? ["No." -- Wing Chun] Noel concludes by saying that he's "kind of like the floor shrink," that she can knock on his door anytime, apologizes again for scaring her, and leaves.
Felicity knocks on Noel's door and asks whether now is a bad time. Once inside, she tells Noel that she was "consumed by temptation" and that the essay question was about an event that changed your life, so it was a chance to "really learn a lot about this guy." Noel guesses that she read Ben's college application. Felicity hands him a piece of paper and Noel amends his statement to exposit that she photocopied the application. Felicity asks whether that's bad, and then tells Noel just to read it. He begins to read it aloud, and it's about Ben's older brother. Ben didn't like him growing up, because he always felt that he was in his talented older brother's shadow. Then, his brother died of brain cancer. Noel looks up at Felicity, who sits down to him and tells him to skip to the end. Noel reads that Ben realized when he was applying for college that he had surpassed his brother, simply by surviving, and that he's now older than his older brother. Then, Ben cried, for the first time, for his brother's loss. Noel finishes reading, and hands the essay back to Felicity. She asks him whether it's possible to be "just friends" with someone she has "immoderate feelings for" or if she's doomed to be in love, and "ultimately, significantly hurt." ["This is also some nice foreshadowing for the end of the third season, where Noel figured out that it's not, in fact, possible." -- Wing Chun] Noel tells her she can "absolutely" be friends with him, because her current emotional state is heightened by all the newness, so she should just give it a month and things will normalize. Felicity laughs and tells Noel he's right. She gets up to leave, then pauses and says, "Thank you, Knoll." Oh, silly me. I thought before he said his name was "NO-el" with two syllables. Clearly, I was mistaken. I stand corrected. She leaves and he says, "Thank you, Felicity" to the now-closed door.
The crazy-haired professor we saw earlier is handing back papers, and he says he's adjusting the curve because his comments about how no one would fail were taken "a little too liberally" by some students. Felicity gets her paper and looks pleased. Pan over to Ben, who gets his paper and looks disgusted. Felicity says, in a voice-over, that it's amazing how much a person can change in two weeks, and that Knoll was right about her feelings for Ben. We see Ben walking up to Felicity and Julie after class, as Felicity says that Ben asked her for help with the classwork, but not before making sure that she would be okay with it, and that it wouldn't be weird. Famous last words.
Felicity and Ben are sitting on the floor of her gigantic dorm room, while Felicity tells us that they are becoming friends, which she's "totally okay with, surprisingly." Ben discusses the poem they were assigned, suggesting that the author is talking about being alive as well as eternal life. Felicity agrees, and Ben smiles. Ben asks Felicity why she never went to any parties in high school, and Felicity protests that she "went to a couple," but just in case Ben wasn't there on "Awards Day," she "didn't exactly win Most Popular." Ben doesn't say anything, and Felicity says, "Oh God, you did, didn't you? You actually won Most Popular." Ben laughs and says those things are stupid. There's a knock at the door; Knoll enters and tosses a bag at Felicity. He tells her he got her a pocket guide to the subway. She thanks him and says he didn't have to do that. Knoll takes note of Ben's presence and tells her not to worry about it. I think Knoll has lipstick on. His lips are obscenely red. He realizes there is nothing left to say, and exits. Ben and Felicity start to plan when they should get together to study , but Knoll pops back in and practically yells at Felicity, "Did you get that calendar done yet?" Felicity's all, "What?" and Knoll explains that he thought she was doing the floor calendar for month. Felicity thought she had two weeks for that, and then realizes what this is really about and introduces the two men. They exchange pleasantries, and then Knoll says he wanted to make sure Felicity was on top of it. If by "it," he means "Ben," I'm sure she is. In her dreams! Knoll finally gets the hint and leaves Ben and Felicity alone again. Naturally. Felicity apologizes to Ben and they resume making plans. Knoll pops in again and says, "This one was just to bug you." Wow, he is annoying, and unfunny. Ben and Felicity just look at him, probably thinking what I just said. Knoll gets the hint and leaves. But for how long? Felicity gets up to lock the door as Ben laughs. Felicity suggests she, Ben, and Julie "all go together." Ben asks whether Julie would be okay with that. Felicity says, "Of course!" Oh, big tactical error there, Felicity. We all know how this one turns out.
Felicity and Julie are walking down the hall. Julie says she found her roommate washing Julie's underwear. Felicity is confused, so Julie explains that the roommate didn't think Julie's underwear was clean enough to be in the same room as the roommate's underwear. Felicity and Julie are retrieving their mail from post-office boxes. Felicity asks Julie whether it's okay for Ben to join them tonight. Julie silently looks through her mail, so Felicity says, "What?" Julie says it's nothing and then says she thinks she has a handle on "the Blake poem." Felicity points out that Julie previously said she was desperate. Julie shuts her post office box and says, "Look, seriously, you guys go out. I don't want to be third wheel." Somewhere, Sars is groaning in retroactive pain at the misuse of the expression "fifth wheel." ["Actually, tonight I was watching a rerun in which Julie misuses the expression 'third wheel' again. I guess that's her schtick." -- Wing Chun] Julie walks away and Felicity hurriedly stuffs her mail back in her mailbox and follows. She catches up with Julie and says that she and Ben aren't going out. They're studying, and all three of them need to study. Julie looks uncomfortable and then asks what the deal is with Ben and Felicity: "Are you dating or...?" Felicity says "no!" with a great deal of conviction, and then explains that they are just friends who know each other from high school. Julie looks relieved, and says that she really thought there was something going on, and didn't want to be "the one on the outside." They enter an elevator as Felicity implores Julie to come with them.
Felicity, Julie, and Ben are sitting in a bar or restaurant or something. Julie looks very dressed up for studying with friends. They are discussing urban legends. Julie and Ben banter a bit, and Felicity looks worried. Ben brings up the one about "the couple in Vietnam" and Julie apparently doesn't want to hear it. She excuses herself and asks Felicity to get her another drink. After Julie leaves, Ben and Felicity laugh some more. Ben leans forward and says, "So, I don't know how you're going to feel about this." Felicity asks, "Feel about what?" Ben asks whether Felicity meant what she said the other day about being friends. Felicity clearly thinks Ben is implying that he wants to be more than friends, but she says yes anyway and asks why he wants to know. Ben says that he's "kind of into Julie and [he] just wanted to make sure that it's okay." Felicity's face falls. Ben says, "Oh, no." There's much apologizing on both sides until Felicity says that it's "really fine." Ben's all, "Are you sure?" and Felicity's all, "Of course!" Ben asks whether Felicity thinks he has a shot, because he feels like he's talking too much. Felicity says she thinks that Julie thinks Ben's wonderful. Ben asks whether she's serious, and Felicity nods. Oh, poor Felicity. I am such a sap. I mean, could this show be any less subtle at this point? And yet, I am still sucked in.
Felicity walks down the hallway in her dorm, and sees two people making out near her door. She goes into her room, slams the door, and sits on the bed, all backlit so you can't see her face. She sits there for a few minutes, and then the door opens and a female figure walks in and goes to the other side of the room. Felicity turns and hesitantly asks, "Hi, are you Meghan?" Meghan is grabbing stuff out of her closet, and doesn't even turn around as she yells back, "Yeah?" Felicity introduces herself. Meghan stops and looks at Felicity for about two seconds, and then walks out and slams the door. Felicity stares after her in shock, and then wrinkles her nose as if to say, "The hell?"
Felicity is pushing a buzzer on an apartment intercom. A male voice answers and Felicity asks, "Ben?" The voice says, "No, it's Sean." She commands, "Put Ben on." Ben says hello and Felicity identifies herself and orders him to buzz her up. Ben asks whether they can talk tomorrow. Felicity yells, "Ben! No!" and he buzzes her in. She exits the elevator with an angry expression on her face and quickly walks to Ben's door. As soon as he opens it, she demands, "How could you write that in my yearbook?" Ben's all, "What?" Felicity quotes, "'I watched you for four years...always wondered what you were like.' You wrote those words to me!" Ben says he thought she was okay with this. Felicity says she was, but that doesn't mean that his actions don't have consequences. Ben asks to what actions she is referring. Felicity says it's obvious, and it's like Physics: "Nothing happens without an effect." Ben smiles and says he never took Physics. Felicity tells him not to say that, because it's what he does. He plays innocent and is charismatic, and smiles, and it's what made her fall for him. She thinks what's unfair is that he knew it, and he liked it. Ben says that of course he likes the fact that she likes him. Felicity reminds him that he said he was flattered. Ben says he was "awkward" and that because he "revealed a little bit" about himself in her yearbook, she changed her college plans. That is a really stalkerly thing to do. Like, she couldn't have called him over the summer, or timed it so that she would be driving by his house when he was outside and "just happen" to run into him? I guess those are pretty stalkerly moves, too, but they're a little more acceptable than going three thousand miles to see him. Felicity says she knows him better than he thinks. Ben expresses doubt, so she says, "I know all about your brother." Ben's surprised, so she reveals further that she read his application essay and then gives a look like, "How do you like them apples, Mr. Fancy Pants?" Ben is shocked that she read his essay, and Felicity says she's only done "one questionably immoral thing in seventeen years." Ben wants to know how it happened. Felicity instead tells him that he led her on and made her fall in love with him. Ben has apparently reached his boiling point because he tells Felicity she's "acting crazy," and that all he did was act nice to her. He didn't ask her to come to New York. That was her choice. He asks her, "How can you think you're in love with me? You don't even know me." Suddenly, there is movement in the apartment behind Ben, and Julie walks out, shouldering her bag. She says "hi" to Felicity, who looks surprised and says, "Hey." Julie leaves. Felicity looks down, then looks at Ben, who looks ashamed. Felicity turns and leaves.
Felicity waits outside her advisor's office as Sarah McLachlan sings "Angel" on the soundtrack. Once inside, she tells her advisor all the reasons why she wants to leave New York and go back to Stanford -- for instance, that it's expensive to stay, and that it would make her father happy. The advisor silently appraises her. She mentions that her parents are coming out on Sunday, which seems like good timing. She gets a little choked up as she says that she's going to go back to Palo Alto and become a doctor, and maybe save someone else's life. She gets up to leave and thanks the still-silent-and- rapidly-becoming-creepy advisor for his patience, and comments that he must think she's "a real basket case." He finally speaks to tell her that he looked at her portfolio, and that he's not saying that she wouldn't "make an excellent physician," but she's "already an artist." Felicity looks disturbed and thanks him. He just stares at her some more. She leaves.
Ben knocks on Felicity's open dorm room door; clearly, she learned nothing from the Knoll-nightie incident. He hands her a package that was outside her door, commenting that it must've been put in the wrong mailbox. Felicity opens it and pulls out a cassette tape. Ben asks who it's from. Felicity replies that it's from her French tutor, who was supposed to be married, but three months before her wedding, her fiancé was killed when a jeep hit the motorcycle he was driving. Felicity says Sally "couldn't deal," so she moved away. Felicity could never talk to anyone like she talked to Sally, so instead of writing, she talks to her, and Sally talks back. She says that Ben must have felt the same thing with Jonathan (his dead older brother). Ben says he needs to talk to her. Felicity apologizes for the other night. Ben suggests that maybe they could go up on the roof or something. He adds a "please" and Felicity grabs her coat. Aw, it's Ben and Felicity's first rooftop discussion. There are so many historic moments in this episode.
On the roof, Ben says he wants to tell her the truth, and the fact is that he never had a brother. He had to write something, so that's what he wrote. He doesn't know why he wanted to tell her, but it must be because she provokes him and makes him think about things that he never thinks about. She does all this without even saying anything, but just by the way she looks at him. He says that the "absolute truth" is that the reason he wanted to come to New York was that "it was a pretty good chance to get as far away from everything as possible. My parents, my family, all that crap. And yeah, on top of it, I lied to get in. So, basically, I'm a shallow loser." He's also sorry that he's not the guy she thought he was. She came so far to get to know him, because she thought he was so great, and he's not. He asks what she's thinking. She says she's never made "a substantial choice" in her life, and that's why she came. She thought it was him, but he's "just the excuse." She smiles and says that when she came up to him at graduation, it was "like a high, like a drug," because she had never done something like that before. She says she means that she wasn't sober, and so the first big decision she made turned out to be "just stupid and embarrassing" and something she'll look back on with regret. She shrugs and says, "And that's that." Ben says he wanted to make sure everything is okay with them, especially if she's leaving. Felicity says he didn't have to do that, and Ben says that he did. They both look out over the city. Ben comments that he can't wait to see what the city looks like when it snows.
Felicity is sitting on her bed as Knoll tells her this is his big speech. He says, "You mustn't leave this school." What nineteen-year-old uses words like "mustn't"? He tells her that this is a "life struggle" and "a challenge" and that if she leaves, she will be confronted with the same issue five or ten years from now. She'll be a doctor, married, with kids, and it will "grip [her] like a blast of freezing cold air" and she'll ask, "What the hell is my life?" He says she'll be able to trace it back to this very moment when "that geek R.A." gave her these four words of advice: "Stay in New York or perish." Knoll corrects himself to say, "Five, six words." He finally shuts up and Felicity starts about five different sentences before deciding to go with, "You don't have feelings for me, do you?" Knoll says, "Me? Honestly? Yeah." Felicity looks disappointed. Knoll asks to give her one more piece of advice, and that is that she shouldn't "fundamentally disregard" everything he's said because of his feelings. Felicity nods.
Felicity is in the cafeteria line. Julie walks up to her. Felicity looks up, sees her, and then looks back down without saying anything. Julie says, "I'm so sorry. This is the last thing in the world that I wanted, to hurt you." Felicity doesn't respond. Julie adds that if she had known Felicity liked Ben, she never would have gone back to his place. Felicity says it all seems unimportant right now. Julie says that Felicity is her friend, and that means more to her than Felicity probably thinks. She adds that she's not going to see Ben again. Felicity tells her it doesn't matter, because she's leaving anyway, and then walks away. I really don't think that what Julie did was so bad, at this point. I almost even like Julie, even knowing how much she will suck in later episodes.
Felicity is in a restaurant with her parents. Mr. Porter says they realized that they overreacted and Mrs. Porter adds, "Especially Dad." Mr. Porter agrees, and then says that Felicity did, too, but that they've been over it "ad infinitum" and that's why they're there. Mrs. Porter says, "Amnesty." Felicity looks sullen. Mr. Porter launches into an explanation of his proposal for Felicity's returning to Stanford, which will result in her being back on track by June and her parents taking care of all her financial obligations. He says that, in addition, she got to "see the world a little" and "find out what [she] really wanted was what [she] already had." Felicity asks what happens if Stanford doesn't admit her. Mr. Porter says that he "took care of that," and Mrs. Porter hands her a registration packet. Felicity asks what he means by "took care of it." Mr. Porter says he "made a few calls, took a few lunches, like, in the fall." Felicity stares at her father as Mrs. Porter says that Felicity made "an impulsive decision and it was a mistake." Felicity asks her father what he did in the fall. Mr. Porter says that when she was accepted the first time, he "made a few calls" and "pulled a few strings." Felicity quietly says, "I didn't know that." Mr. Porter says that they'll also be giving her Mrs. Porter's car, and Mrs. Porter hands over the keys. Mr. Porter says that they will all look at apartments together to find one they can all agree on. Felicity picks up the keys with a look of incredulity on her face. She looks at the remote locking device, and presses the red key that says, "Panic Button," like, real understated, writers. Felicity says that the thing is that, if she made a mistake, at least it was hers. Mr. Porter doesn't understand, and asks what that means. Felicity haltingly says that it means she thinks she has to stay; she puts down the keys. Mr. Porter starts to get angry and says that Felicity was about to agree to this. Felicity says that would've been "a pretty impulsive decision," and looks at her mother. She continues by saying that she doesn't know that it would be "the best thing to do." Her father interrupts, "But it is. It is the best thing to do right now." Felicity thinks she should give it some time, and she really can't wait to see what the city looks like when it snows. Her mother looks stunned, and repeats, "'Snows.'" Mr. Porter says that if she does this, and makes this "colossal mistake in staying," they're not going to bail her out time. For God's sack, it's not like she's running off at the age of thirteen with her biker boyfriend to do many drugs. She's just choosing a different, more distant university. Nothing like blackmailing your kids. Mrs. Porter looks at her husband as if she can't quite believe he just said that. Felicity pauses for a minute and then says, "Well, I guess that's a decision you'll have to make." Mr. Porter shakes his head.
"In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel plays on the soundtrack. Felicity walks in slow motion down the street as we hear Janeane "Sally" Garofalo's voice-over: "Dear Felicity: I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. It's been a real struggle in Santa Fe. I guess when your heart gets broken, you sort of start to see the cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us and that our mission is to never let it. Two weeks ago, I was going to move again. I was all packed. I was going to start over somewhere new. That morning I received your first tape from college. I just sat there in my little apartment, listening to your voice, crying like a baby. Suddenly, you were tutoring me." Felicity sees Julie on the street and the two women stop and face one another. They start talking, and then Felicity gives Julie a hug. Sally continues, "I guess I'm learning little by little that we decide what our lives are going to be. Things happen to us, but it's our reactions that matter." Felicity and Julie walk down the street, laughing. Sally says, "I just want you to know, I think you've made a really great choice, and I can't wait to hear what happens." Fade to black. Even though I know what happens, I can't wait to hear what happens either, Sally!