It's 2007, and fat is the new black. By which I mean fatsploitation is all the rage these days. And now we have Fat March. Twelve overweight competitors will take part in "an unprecedented weight loss experiment." Over 10 weeks, they'll travel through nine states and walk a total of 575 miles between Boston and Washington, D.C. They're here to "lose weight and regain control of their lives" -- and, of course, there's $1.2 million to split between them. As fatsploitation goes, it's a winning formula. Then we see the signage for the series -- a walking sign which is pleasantly plump (or, if you're familiar with the MySpace lingo, "More to love!"). But it thins out as it walks. So clever you are, ABC! Hallmark-cheesy music plays in the background as we meet our marchers; one of them is a 26-year-old virgin. I know who I'm rooting for…
And now, introducing the marchers. First we have Sam, a massage therapist. He has come to the program because his goal in life is "to try to help people get healthy." Stuffing his face at a Brooklyn pizza joint, on the other hand, is a competitive eater named Will. He explains that he was always an outcast as a kid. People made fun of him because of his size. So he turned lemons into lemon icebox pie and joined the competitive eating circuit. "And I always win," he says with a sly smile on his face.
Not unlike another weight-loss show, there will be two trainers on this show. Trainer number one, Lorrie, predicts that "These 12 people have no idea what they're in for." Steve, her beachy-blond counterpart, snarks, "If they think they're gonna lose weight living in a mansion or sleeping in a comfortable bed or be pampered during their workouts, they got a shock comin'."
As the group ambles toward the trainers, we hear a scream. It's Wendy, a professional singer. She is the embodiment of what would have happened if Natasha Lyonne had turned to ham hocks instead of heroin. Wendy says she gained 100 pounds in three years. Like many of the other marchers, her weight has affected her career, and now she won't even get onstage to sing. Likewise, baseball coach Matt remembers a time when he was in better shape. The good old days. Before he unknowingly signed up to walk 575 miles in 10 weeks.
Chantal, a comedienne, describes herself as "this giant apple in the middle with these stick legs." Mmmmmm, candied apples… She speculates that the show will help her become "hot" and "sexy" and have a better sex life. Sing it, sister. Speaking of sex lives, Loralie wants to get pregnant. She chokes up a little as she describes that her doctor said her weight might present a problem with conceiving.
These four intros and the slow trudge up to the trainers has probably taken 15 minutes. With 575 miles still to go, this show might just last through the three presidential elections. Once they've met the trainers, Steve lays it out for them: 10 weeks. 500 miles. Nine states. The marchers' jaws drop. The only visual missing is a spit-take. Then we first hear from Matt, a pro wrestler, who says that driving 500 miles is "one hell of a feat" (not so sure about that one, Matt), so how are they supposed to walk it? Everyone agrees that they have no idea how this will be possible.
Soon, though, they perk up at the mention of the prize money. Everyone is hopping-excited, and can you blame them? I mean, who wouldn't want to risk years and years of arthritis and public humiliation for some cold, hard cash? At least they don't have to eat bull's balls or cockroaches like in other reality shows. Of course, it's still early in the episode… But for now, they face enough humiliation once Steve announces that they'll be weighed in, and their weight-loss progress will be monitored throughout the walk. On a big, Fenway Park-style scoreboard. Tasteful.
First up on the industrial-sized scale is Anthony, the aforementioned 26-year-old virgin. Anthony, like most 26-year-old virgins, lives with his parents, and the producers are nice enough to give us an extended shot of him rolling out of his bed looking not unlike Jabba the Hut. Anthony considers himself a risk-taker but can't indulge that side of himself because "I don't know a place that's going to put a 400-pound person on a bungee jump and say 'Go for it.'" Anthony, meet ABC. ABC, Anthony. He weighs in at 433 pounds, and huge numbers slam down on a scoreboard, dropping like the anvils of judgment. Slapped in the face by reality, he vows to lose weight at each weigh-in. The weigh-in continues. Most are shocked at their actual weights, and set various weight-loss goals.
And before we audience members have the chance to rest on our skinny laurels, we meet our marcher. Kim, a "former rap diva." Move over, Li'l Kim. Big Kim in the house. Kim says that she used to be "bangin', baby," working out for two hours a day and weighing as little as 118 pounds. Now she struggles with day-to-day tasks. And the producers provide another glamorous ass-shot as Kim squeezes into her SUV. For now, though, Kim says she just wants to return to her former fabulous self.
Rounding out the group we have Jami Lyn, a military wife and mother. Shea, a former softball player, weighs 289 pounds and is pissed that she's the heaviest girl. Finally, the food porn meet-and-greet wraps up with a shot of Shane, the 519-pound Texan minister, pouring ketchup on two huge hamburger and French fry meals. I'm hungry.
And so the Fat March begins. Lorrie announces their first task -- walk the Boston Marathon. Kim enters the first stage of grief: denial. She turns and gives an "oh hell no" swing of her ample booty, then snarks, "Ain't no way these fat-ass people are gonna make 26 miles. They don't walk anywhere but to the refrigerator." Speak for yourself there, Biggie Smalls. We hear from Loralie as she screams, "Have you forgotten that we're still fat?!" Nevertheless, Lorrie vows to push the marchers to D.C. if she has to.
The day, the marchers cheer as they parade to the starting line because they haven't yet been beaten down by actual physical activity. Unfortunately, Steve admits that they'll face off against some of the worst marathon weather he's ever seen. Temperatures have dropped to 35 degrees, and snow is predicted. Lorrie brings back the focus to the ultimate goal, saying, "The marathon truly represents the commitment and endurance our marchers will need to complete their journey."
Sam explains that several groups of runners took off before the marchers did: "If you're actually running in the race, you don't want to get stuck behind a herd of cattle." His point is underscored by shots of all the in-shape runners taking off at a gallop while our beloved marchers stand around looking mildly terrified. Finally, the trainers give them the go-ahead, but it looks like it's been hours since the actual marathon began. As they begin to walk, Anthony half-jokes, "I just imagine all these thin people running from the fat people who are walking behind them." And I think to myself, Oh honey, you'd never catch up anyway. I'm going to hell.
Slightly more upbeat are Will and Shane, who form a mantra as they walk: "Twice the man at half the weight." Chantal's own version of this idea is that she's saying goodbye to her inner fat girl with every step. Once they've parted ways, I think Chantal's inner fat girl should come eat some chicken and waffles with me. Despite the marchers' optimism, Lorrie comments that she immediately noticed the physical toll the walking had taken on them. Will asks Steve if they've even traveled a mile yet and asks to take a break. Steve begins what will inevitably be a long and endless string of bargaining and suggests they just keep going.
In the first of several so-so twists, we learn that the marchers were never actually going to walk 26 miles on their first day. Instead, their course changes after 5.5 miles, and they're off to a camping site where they'll sleep on the cold, hard, wet ground. Lorrie walks with Big Kim, who has fallen miles behind. Like so many before her, Lorrie's is growing tired of the former rap diva's constant complaining, saying that her negative energy is affecting the team. Even Wendy, who I pegged at the outset as the whiniest marcher, has noticed Kim's bad attitude. And thus is born Notorious K.I.M.
Given Notorious K.I.M.'s attitude problems, it's time to get down to the nuts and bolts of the game. Steve explains that every time a marcher quits or leaves, the rest of them will lose ten grand from their individual winnings. He adds that Notorious has "got to get it together" for the team. She does, and finishes the day's walk. But she is bested by Shane. Even the other teammates admit -- to his face! -- their surprise that he didn't finish in last place with 519 pounds to carry.
Once they get to the campsite, Notorious K.I.M. dons the biggest fur-lined hoodie I've ever seen in my life. She's becoming more annoying with each step, sure, but I simply adore her street couture. Needless to say, she's never been camping in her life. Wendy agrees that this ain't no Club Med, and Shane jokes that "To survive, we're going to have to kill someone and eat them." Glad that one's out of the way. Cannibalism jokes are so last year.
They gather around as Notorious K.I.M. sourpusses that she's come "from the gated community to the tent in the woods." She stomps into the second stage of grief and unleashes on Lorrie: "This is bullshit. Where's the fuckin' hotel?" It seems completely out of nowhere because everyone else just kind of laughs and moves on.
Day Two breaks in Holliston, MA. Today the march will cover 8.5 miles. Steve explains that the camping was a purposeful shock to the marchers' systems, and Will seems to have taken it hard. He blubbers (no pun intended) that he can't even put his socks and sneakers on by himself, and admits that he was thinking about quitting after the first day. To give Lorrie a well-deserved break, Steve takes Notorious K.I.M. for the day. As they eat breakfast, Chantal tries to give Notorious K.I.M. a pep talk. Chantal admits in an interview that everyone's going through the same things as the K.I.M., but being less loud about it.
Notorious K.I.M. then moves on to stage three of the grieving process: bargaining. She offers to pay each of the others ten grand so she can leave. So the choice is between keeping ten grand and letting Kim leave of her own will…or losing ten grand when she inevitably storms out? Is this really a question? Take the money!
Once Steve informs the marchers that they'll be walking an extra three miles that day, Notorious K.I.M. starts up about her physical problems. She insists she can't breathe, but Steve calls bullshit, pointing out that Kim is clearly having no problems breathing because she's talking all the damn time.
Not so far away, Anthony has fallen behind due to actual physical problems. Cut to an ambulance whirring past the marchers. It's for Anthony, who has collapsed. Shea notes that the reality of their poor physical health is hitting home now that Anthony had to be taken away. In a peaceful and heartfelt moment, Shane leads a prayer for Anthony as the EMTs wheel him into the hospital.
Two days and 14 miles have landed the marchers in Mendon, MA. Today they will walk another 8.5 miles, without Anthony. He's still in hospital suffering from low blood sugar and dehydration -- probably the one time he'll have something in common with the Richies and Lohans of the world. Steve continues to baby-sit Notorious K.I.M., who's now complaining because her thighs are chafing and her ankles are burning. She skips stages four and five of grief to declare, "Today. I choose. Not. To do. This. Any. More." She says she's tired of being outside, and Steve points out the blue sky like, "What?" Kim responds, "That's a wrap," and Steve's only response is, "This is silly." He's done, too. She sits on the curb as he walks away, and Steve quickly says he realizes that Kim's departure was the best thing for the team, on account of her tendency to complain and generally suck at life (okay, I added that last part).
Lorrie breaks the news to the others that Kim has quit at the end of Day 3. The team has completed the 22.5-miles trek to East Douglas, MA. She also passes along the good news that Anthony will return -- but he has to start from the place where he collapsed, so he's now 13 miles behind the group. Everyone's really happy that Anthony is coming back -- Wendy a little too happy. She practically does an end-zone dance. To Anthony's credit (considering he struggled to walk five miles the first day), that he will attempt to complete a half-marathon straight out of the hospital is pretty tenacious.
While Anthony makes tracks, the remaining 10 face the first physical challenge. Lorrie claims it will emphasize teamwork and physical endurance and teach them where food comes from. Basically, it's one of what are sure to be many boring challenges to come. They split into two teams of five. The members wade through a cranberry bog, fill up buckets (without using their hands) with cranberries, and then carry those buckets through the water and empty the berries into crates. The team that fills up the crates the fastest wins. Even the antioxidants can't keep me awake for this one. Isn't there a sizeable Wiccan community around Boston? Couldn't the challenge have had some element of magic -- stirring up an enchanted weightless potion, perhaps? They could have used cranberries! And danced in the moonlight!
On the yellow team, we have Shea, Will, Sam, Michael, and Shane; on the green, Matt, Wendy, Jami Lyn, Chantal, and Loralie. The yellow team quickly develops a strategy to minimize movement (good call!) and maximize efficiency, but Will almost immediately decides that he's "not moving enough" and debunks the process by abandoning his post. Lorrie comments that he basically screwed his team by making them all wade through the water, which exhausted everyone, and the green team ultimately snags the win due to Will's maverick decision to actually move around. Scandalous!
Cut to Anthony, who has made up his entire 13-mile deficit in one day. Way to go, Anthony! He is one scrappy little 26-year-old virgin.
The green team heads to a bed-and-breakfast called "On Cranberry Pond" (gag me). They're all elated because they get to sleep on comfy beds and take a shower. All the while, Wendy definitely has had flat-ironed hair all day. I didn't know flat-ironing was part of the camp-out experience, but to each his or her own.
And now for the final day. After 52 miles, they are in Putnam, CT, with another 13 miles to go before weigh-in. Steve calls the last stretch of the trek "brutal." They walk through the woods, snakes slithering at their feet. During the hike, Shane's 519 pounds are finally catching up with him. He calls in a medic after his feet become numb. We get some skanky blister shots, and the medic tells him that he cannot continue today's march. Loralie fears he will fall too far behind to make up if he stops, but they continue without him anyway.
Ten marchers have made it to the end of Stage One, walking 65 miles to Willimantic, CT, home of the legendary Boom Box Parade (Google it). They're all really proud, especially my favorite virgin Anthony. They hoot and holler as they cross the first finish line. Will even breaks into a little jog. Excluded from the merriment, however, is Shane, who is sidelined back at camp. When they meet back up with him, he gives them update: he has bad blisters and possible stress fractures in his feet. He breaks down as he explains that he's never quit anything in his life, but it's clear that the teammates will inevitably need to make a decision about whether Shane should continue.
But first, the weigh-in. They all lose weight, unsurprisingly, but the biggest loser is Will, who has dropped 19 pounds. Chantal, who was excited to weigh in, is the most disappointed that she only lost four pounds. The best, however, is Jami Lyn, who makes a sideways grimace when she finds out that she's only lost five pounds.
Because we have another 15 minutes or so to kill, Steve says ominously, 'It's not over yet." He explains that the goal of the march is for everyone to finish. But of course that's out the window thanks to Notorious K.I.M.'s defection. As for the remaining marchers, they can choose to vote off anyone who they think is holding them back at the end of each stage. They can choose not to vote for anybody, but it might not be strategically wise.
In this particular situation, if they don't vote anybody off (i.e. Shane), they all have to backtrack and make up the 13 miles that he didn't complete from the day before. Yes, the aforementioned "brutal" 13 miles. All the marchers spew out some jibber-jabbers about how they're all on the fence, how Shane is the heart of the team and they all just loooove him. Then they vote, and Shane and Wendy are the only ones who don't vote for Shane. Goodbye, preacher man. We barely knew ye. Shane takes a cue from every other reality-show loser and says his journey has just begun. He wants to lose half his body weight, and vows to return to marching once his feet have healed. March to the beat of your own drummer, Shane!
Coming up this season: Will and Anthony get into a hissy-fight. Wendy falls on ground. Chantal cries. People get voted off. More people quit. The marchers hit Times Square and see their faces on an LCD billboard. Someone throws something at some point. And a crowd cheers them on at the finish line. Wow, this doesn't seem at all compelling or interesting. See you week!