First, an announcement. Due to lack of interest from our users, this will be the last Fastlane recap on the site. Yes, the show has been picked up for a full season, but there won't be any more recaps on the site after this one. The existing recaps and the forums will be moved to the Permanent Hiatus section, so both of the people who've been posting in the forums won't have to give that up. I'm sure Facinelli will survive.
So, the show begins with Deaq and Van speeding down the street in a shiny red car, running red lights along the way. The phone rings, and Van answers. Billie asks where they are, and Van disgustedly passes the phone to Deaq, who explains that they had a flat. Billie is pissed because the boys are supposed to be completing a sting on some dude named Nathan, and they're late. Billie explains that Nathan sweeps for bugs every twelve hours, and that they are currently on Hour Eleven, so the bust has to go down soon. Van and Deaq complain that they get it. Billie tells them to get there and get the money, and reminds them that Nathan has a lot of girls who have just disappeared, and this bust is supposed to prevent that from happening again.
Van runs a couple more red lights. At the Candy Store, Billie observes Nathan (played by Pras) on a giant screen as she types something into her computer. At Nathan's house, lots of scantily clad women walk around. Nathan checks his watch, and a woman walks up and says that "they will be here." Back in the car, Van suggests that Deaq count the money, and they bicker over that for a while. Why don't those two just get married already? Deaq pops open an aluminum briefcase, because on television, they never put money in any other kind of container. He flips through, like, half of one stack of bills and appears satisfied that it's all there. Back at Nathan's house, the woman tries to reassure Nathan that the deal is going to do down. And by "reassure," I mean "tries to give him a boner." Nathan is unmoved. Well, I guess he's unmoved. It's not like I checked his pants or something. Nathan says that the guys have ten minutes to get there.
It's not looking good for the boys, as Van notices that a cop is trying to pull them over. Deaq stashes the briefcase full of cash. Van wonders if the cops will believe that Van and Deaq are also cops. Deaq reminds him that they don't carry badges, so probably not, and orders Van to lose the cops. Van steps on it, and suddenly I'm watching Dukes of Hollywood. Van leads the cops down a series of alleyways and side streets, but eventually gets stuck behind an ice-cream truck. As the cops yell at the boys to get out of the car, Deaq says, "You got a way out of this, Van? You got a plan, Van? Mr. Driving Fast, Van?" Van replies, "Could you not say my name over and over? It gets annoying." Deaq: "Okay, Van." Hee! The cops slam Deaq and Van onto the hood of the car and start to cuff them. Van and Deaq simultaneously disarm the cops, then cuff them to a pole. They promise to mail the guns back to the cops. Two teens standing nearby with Bomb Pops stare in disbelief. Van urges them not to steal cops' guns, and Deaq reminds them to stay in school. That would have been funnier if the kids were, like, five, but I'll bet the censors wouldn't allow that. It actually would have been even funnier if the kids then pulled guns on Van and Deaq and stole the briefcase full of cash.
Van and Deaq arrive at Nathan's. Van complains that he has a bruise on his face from being slammed into the hood of the car. They bicker some more, like, just do it already! They walk into Nathan's house and are greeted by the woman from earlier. At the Candy Store, Billie heaves a sigh and sticks an unlit cigarette in her mouth. The woman advises Van and Deaq to apologize for being late and to compliment Nathan's suit. After the obligatory shots of multiple female butts, Van apologizes to Nathan for being late. Deaq compliments his suit. Nathan isn't impressed, like, the joke where the contact tells them how to act and then it doesn't work wasn't that funny last week, and doing it again a week later is a bit tired, isn't it? Nathan announces to the women in the room that they should entertain Van and Deaq. The women all immediately stand up and start dancing and getting naked. Also, the female contact is named Bree. She also starts undressing. Yeah, we get it. They're straight, straight, heterosexual men. Can Van and Deaq just get naked now?
Van and Deaq negotiate with Nathan. They want to pay for fifty girls for a weekend party in San Diego. Nathan asks for three grand a night for three nights. Um, hello? Julia Roberts got way more than that just for herself in Pretty Woman (from which all of my knowledge of prostitution comes). Van and Deaq imply that they are drug dealers. At the Candy Store, Billie urges the boys to give Nathan the money. Deaq opens the briefcase, but one of Nathan's lackeys comes up and asks to speak with him in the other room. Billie freaks out and starts switching cameras so that she can watch the meeting. Van and Deaq have no idea what's going on. Billie tries to listen in, but the audio is garbled. She types frantically on her keyboard without looking at it. Van strolls over to Bree and asks what's going on. Bree explains that the lackey is named Tommy, and he's a freak. Nathan walks out and announces that Van and Deaq need to leave. The boys are shocked at this sudden turn of events. Deaq asks what's going on. Nathan says that Bree is their friend and she wanted them all to meet, so now that they've met, it's over. Nathan tells Bree that she needs to get out, because she has a lunch date. Bree looks stunned. Deaq looks confused. Bree tells the boys to leave with her. Billie slams the desk and grunts.
Candy Store. Deaq and Van can't believe that Nathan walked away from all that money, and ask Billie what happened in the den. Billie types frantically some more as she explains that there was a vent near the microphone, so the audio is still distorted in spots even after she cleaned it up. They all watch as Tommy explains to Nathan that he's seen "her" near Giddings's office three times this week. Nathan asks why it had to be Bree, because she's family. I love how the hidden camera is able to do close-ups as well as wide shots. Tommy says that Bree knows things. Nathan replies, "Not here. Nowhere near." Tommy understands. Nathan says that they also won't be dealing with Deaq and Van.
Billie stops the tape; she says that Bree's real name is Sabrina Falson, and they might be able to get her to testify against Nathan. Van thinks they should offer her protection from Nathan and Tommy, who plan to kill her. Deaq says Van doesn't know that. Um, Nathan pretty much just said it. What kind of cop are you, dude? Van says that Bree was scared, and she doesn't get scared. Because he knows her. Because they've spent a few days together in the last few weeks. They're like family! Deaq points out that they don't have enough concrete information to take it to Bree. Van Tom Cruises, "I'm sorry. Are we not cops? Did we not just hear two people planning a murder?" Yeah! That's what I'm talking about. Deaq says all he heard was a pimp who is pissed at his girl. Van says that he talked to Bree, and she was scared. Yeah, dude, you said that already. Deaq says that all Van does is get involved with girls and try to save them, while Deaq works cases. Van sarcastically suggests that they wait until Bree gets killed, and then arrest the killer. They're totally yelling at each other right now, and their faces are soooo close. Kiss him! Come on! Make my last recap special. Deaq says that before he makes a move, he knows all of the players and the rules of the game. Van starts screaming that it's not a game. Oh, his lips seriously just touched Deaq's face by accident. This is getting exciting.
Billie screeches at them to cut it out. Oh, you're ruining it! Also, why is Billie's bra hanging out of her shirt? Button that shit up. No one wants to see that. Billie says that in ninety seconds, Nathan's security team will find all of the cameras and mikes, and Nathan will disappear once he knows he's been bugged. Billie says that their only hope is getting Bree to testify. Van thinks he might be able to get Bree to cooperate if they help her get out of prostitution. Billie tells him to get to Bree before Nathan does, and orders Deaq to go along and makes sure Van doesn't get married. Hee! I also love when Van calls Billie "sir," for some reason. It's very Marcy and Peppermint Patty. But shouldn't their first move be to find out who this Giddings is that Tommy mentioned? Just asking. Billie notices Van's cut (from the cops) and asks if the boys got in a fight. Van and Deaq pretend that they did get in a fight to deflect suspicion. Billie doesn't seem to buy it.
Van voice-overs that they need to approach Bree cautiously, and also keep an eye out for Tommy or Nathan. They pull up to Bree's house and look for a back door. They don't find one, and then argue over who has to climb the fence. Deaq says that "a black man in this neighborhood" might arouse suspicion, so Van gets hoisted over. Van starts screaming and Deaq pulls out a gun until Van explains that there's a dog. A Doberman barks at Van, who has retreated into a tree. Van and Deaq discuss the best plan of action. Deaq says he saw on Animal Planet that Van should pee on the dog, because it's all about power and territory. Van refuses to do it. Deaq points out that they don't have a lot of options. Van unzips and lets fly. He climbs back over to Deaq's side of the fence and laughs that it worked. Deaq says, "That's cool, 'cause I've never seen Animal Planet." See, that line really should have been, "I've never watched Animal Planet," because it's a channel, not a television show. I don't know why that bugged me, but it did.
Van and Deaq enter Bree's deserted house, guns drawn. Deaq finds a note instructing the maid to give the dog to Bree's friend Jamie. Van starts searching the place. Deaq doesn't think Van will find anything, because Bree is just a hooker who got scared by her pimp and ran. Van picks up the "2000 Internet Guide" issue of Smart Money, like, did the set dresser raid the Goodwill or something? What a weird thing to have featured so prominently, especially since it doesn't really come up again. Maybe they were trying to make it out like, "She's not just a whore! She's a whore who's interested in computers and investing!" But the 2000 issue? Why? I know I'm overthinking this. Van pulls out an envelope of photos. They all feature Bree and some dude hugging each other in a swimming pool. Van reminds Deaq that Tommy mentioned a guy named Giddings on the tape, and that Mal Giddings is the guy in the photos with Bree. Deaq doesn't know who that is, and Van says that he's a federal prosecutor. Deaq is interested, but Van doesn't want to share, since Deaq was ripping on him earlier.
Outside, Deaq explains that he and Van just have a difference of philosophy. Van thinks their job as cops is to help people. Deaq thinks their job as a cop is to bust people, and that while he sees a lot of things he doesn't like, he can't save everyone. Deaq thinks someday Van will have to make a choice between saving the good one and catching the bad one.
Deaq and Van get in the car. Deaq claims that if they ever really got into a fight, he would definitely win. As they start to pull out of the alley, they have to stop because another car is approaching. And the driver of that approaching car? Is Tommy. I don't see what the big deal is here. Tommy knows that Van and Deaq are friends of Bree's. Couldn't they just claim to be looking for her because they're worried? They stare at each other for, like, ten minutes, and then Deaq throws it into reverse. See, that's like admitting guilt right there. They should have roughed Tommy up and acted like he must know where Bree went. Dumb.
Candy Store. Van yells at Deaq that they got made. And this happened how, again, exactly? Tommy knew they were friends with Bree. Tommy saw them at Bree's house, and now Bree is gone. Yeah, I can totally see how Tommy knew they were cops. Whatever. Van says that, by now, Nathan has discovered the cameras and must know that they are cops. And Nathan would know that Van and Deaq are behind the cameras how exactly? I mean, sure, he would suspect them, but I fail to see how he would know for sure it was they and not one of his many other enemies.
Nathan's house. The cameras are being removed from the walls. Nathan tells Tommy that he's sure that Bree and Giddings set him up. Nathan tells Tommy that he no longer has to kill Bree quietly, because Nathan just wants her dead. Nathan adds that he doesn't care what happens to Deaq and Van. Pras? Is not a very good actor. He whispers most of his lines in a monotone. If you can whisper in a monotone, that is. Nathan offers up a hundred grand to Bree's killer.
Back at the Candy Store, Billie has pulled Bree's phone records. She reports that Bree called one number repeatedly in the last hour and a half. Van guesses that Bree was trying to reach Giddings, and Billie confirms it. Van says that it's "so exhausting being right all of the time." So you know Van is going to turn out to be totally wrong at some future point in the episode. Billie continues that Bree's last call was picked up, and Bree talked to Giddings for nine minutes. The records reveal that Giddings answered the call while at a country club in Brentwood.
Van and Deaq head to the country club. In a voice-over that totally sounds like it was added later for the dumb viewers, Van explains that they have to find Giddings and get him to reveal where Bree is, and that Van will take care of that part. Deaq doesn't think it will work. Van points out that Deaq always wants a plan, and now they have one. Deaq is cool with the plan, but he doesn't think Van can pull off pimping. Shouldn't someone be taking his shirt off about now? Van has the top and sides of his hair in a ponytail, but not the back, like, is he trying to channel Tom Cruise in Magnolia or what? Van tells Deaq that he hasn't "met Van the Pimp Man." Deaq tells Van that everybody knows Van doesn't have the magnetism or charisma to be a pimp. Van says that he can't exactly play the "angry black golfer" role, and reminds Deaq that he just needs to tie up security so that Van can get out on the course.
Deaq enters the country club lobby and is greeted by stares from the old white guys therein. He approaches the front desk. Stuffy Desk Guy asks suspiciously if Deaq is meeting someone. Deaq says he's there to join the club. Stuffy Desk Guy says they're not accepting new members without a sponsor. I think I just saw this whole bit on Crank Yankers. I know I've seen it somewhere else recently, and it wasn't the Master's Tournament. Deaq says that it's obvious that he's Jewish and he doesn't see any other Jews there. Deaq starts making a big scene that includes singing "Hava Nagila." Stuffy Desk Guy asks him to vacate the premises, and Deaq compares it to "when [his] people had to vacate the homeland." Through the window, we see Van walking onto the course. A security guy in a white suit and a cheesy cop moustache runs across the course yelling, "We have a situation at the front desk. We have an irate African American at the front desk." Because you know the white people are always threatened when black folks walk into their domain. Girl, please. Deaq asks to use the phone so that he can call his rabbi or Johnnie Cochran.
Meanwhile, Van -- wearing an electric blue suit and a black leather fedora -- pulls up to where Giddings is teeing off. Van, while not the whitest guy in the world (because that would be Stuffy Desk Guy), looks and sounds ridiculous. He tells Giddings to take a time-out. Giddings asks who Van is. Van holds up the photo of Bree and Giddings. At the same time, Deaq is still raising a ruckus at the front desk, and holds up a video camera so that he can get the whole thing on tape. Giddings wants to call Security, but Van explains that Security is otherwise occupied. Van says that Bree belongs to him, and that he needs to find her. Giddings says he has no idea what Van's talking about. Van holds up a phone and says he has Giddings's wife and boss on speed dial, and if Giddings doesn't give up Bree's location, Van will call them both. Deaq finally leaves the lobby with these words: "If y'all see Elijah, tell him I got his wine." Van returns to the car, where Deaq sits waiting. Van says that Bree is in Koreatown.
Van explains that Bree is hiding out in an opium den in Koreatown. When did this turn into a Sherlock Holmes mystery? Van says that Bree is waiting there until she gets the money to leave the country, and the place is run by a former working girl named Lena. We see the aforementioned opium den, where a waitress (if that's what they're called in opium dens; it's been a while since I've been to one) carries a hookah into a room and sets it down. Lena (played by Michelle Forbes, looking like five miles of rough road) tells Bree that she should've known she couldn't get away with leading a double life. Bree protests that she never did anything to hurt Nathan. Lena suggests that Bree tell Nathan that she fell in love with a federal prosecutor. Bree says that Giddings is sending her money so she can leave the country. Lena says that's fine, but Bree can't stay there. Bree guesses that Lena wants a cut of Giddings's money. Lena is mollified and leaves.
Candy Store. Billie talks to her boss. After a little small talk, the boss says he needs to talk to Billie about her guys, and holds up a tape. Billie watches the tape of Deaq and Van nearly being arrested and sarcastically says that she's proud. The boss says that Billie's unit is theoretically the best, because it has cops that look, talk, and spend like crooks. Billie asks, "But?" The boss asks how the boys see themselves: "Are they cops that look like criminals, or cops that act like criminals?" Billie blinks, probably thinking, "Where in the hell did this subplot come from?" Or I might be projecting.
Deaq and Van descend into the opium den. Van wants Deaq to admit that Van's plan worked. Deaq says he wishes he knew about the opium den when he was hustling, because he could have robbed all of the patrons. They stop to examine a passed-out dude on a couch. A montage of opium addicts follows, ending with Lena sucking on a hookah and blowing out smoke. A hand touches Lena's head, and she points into the room, where Bree sits, talking to Van and Deaq. We see that the hand belongs to Tommy, as he thanks Lena and promises to tell Nathan that she did good. Bree sees Tommy standing there. Tommy pulls out two guns, because why use just one when two looks cooler?
Van and Deaq approach Bree. She spots Tommy and leaps over the couch to hide behind it. Van unnecessarily yells at her to get down. Tommy starts shooting. Van leaps behind the couch as well, and Deaq ducks behind a pillar. Van asks Bree if she knows another way out of there, and she does. They run off. Deaq continues to shoot at Tommy, but runs out of ammo. The funniest part is that Deaq stops, looks at his gun, and goes, "Damn!" Like anyone would ever do that. Tommy takes the opportunity to stand up and try to get off a shot, but Van ducks out from behind a corner and shoots at Tommy first. We get to see a slow-motion shot of Van's bullet as it breaks a lava lamp, flies within inches of Lena's face, breaks a hookah, and finally hits Tommy in the chest. I love how breaking all of those items didn't change the trajectory of the bullet in the slightest. Since no blood comes out of Tommy, I think it's safe to assume he was wearing a bulletproof vest.
Van and Deaq talk to Bree out in nature somewhere. Van says that they lied, and they aren't johns. They're pimps. Bree is confused. Van explains that they want to take over Nathan's operation. Bree is relieved, because she thought maybe they were cops. Van and Deaq laugh uneasily. Van asks Bree to help them out. Bree refuses, because she doesn't want to take Nathan on. She just wants to take the money and run. Deaq starts yelling at Bree and Van pulls him off. Bree thanks them for saving her earlier, but says she's done doing what others say. Van and Deaq walk off to have a private conversation. Van says that the plan is not working. Deaq says that she'll soon figure out that they're not pimps, because a pimp would kick her ass. Van says that if they can turn Bree, Nathan is a goner. Yeah, we got that when you said it, like, three commercial breaks ago. Deaq says that if they hand Bree off to Billie at this point, she'll clam up and then run off to Mexico. Can't they threaten her with prison time or something? Deaq hates not having a plan. Van thinks they got Bree into a safe position, so they did their jobs. Deaq thinks Bree should be begging to help them because they are good pimps. Van asks if Deaq has a plan. Deaq says that Bree won't cooperate because she thinks she has a way out, using Giddings's money, so they need to make her think she has no way out. In the background, Bree chain-smokes. Deaq explains that they should make Bree think that Giddings won't come through with the dough, and Van will turn her over to Nathan. Then when Billie swoops in, Bree will testify because she has no other viable option.
Van and Deaq pull up to a restaurant somewhere with Bree in the back seat. Via split screen, Deaq says that they have to be cold, and asks Van if he's "pimp enough to get the job done on her." Isn't the whole "pimp" thing kind of played out? Although I guess if you're talking about, like, actual pimps, it's a different story. Deaq walks into the restaurant and finds Nathan sitting alone at a table. He turns and asks Tommy if his chest is okay. Deaq sits in the booth with Nathan and claims that he has something that will hurt Nathan.
Outside, Van goes back into pimp voice as he calls Giddings and says that Bree will be calling Giddings shortly, and Giddings needs to tell her that he's not giving her the money, and then Van will leave Giddings alone. Giddings hangs up and takes a swig from a flask. Inside, Deaq tells Nathan that Bree sold him out and told Deaq how she and Giddings bugged Nathan's house and set him up. Bree calls Giddings to ask him to send the money someplace else. Giddings says he won't send her the money, and he doesn't want to see her again. Inside, Deaq says that since he's confirmed that Bree knows nothing about Deaq's business, Nathan can have her. Deaq tells Nathan that Bree is outside. Giddings tells Bree that he can't help her and she should stop calling him, and hangs up. Van sees Deaq and Nathan walking out, so he grabs Bree by the hair and pulls her out of the car and pushes her toward Nathan and Tommy. Tommy grabs Bree and wrestles her toward the car. Deaq and Van get in their car and pull out. Van's all sad as he says that Billie promised to signal them when she has Bree in custody.
Just as Tommy is shoving Bree into Nathan's car, Billie shows up with a gun (and some backup) and orders Bree into her car. As they walk off, Bree trips over a median and falls to the ground. Tommy takes advantage of the confusion to pull out his gun and start shooting. Billie, Bree, and Backup Guy hide behind Billie's car. Van is worried that they haven't gotten the signal yet. Tommy shoots some more. Deaq asks Van if he wants to go back. Van says it's not part of the plan. Deaq says he knows, and pulls a 180, Reynolds-style. Billie and Backup Guy return fire. Nathan starts his truck and pulls out as Billie and Backup Guy continue shooting. Van and Deaq pull into the parking lot. Deaq smashes into the side of Nathan's truck. Ouch.
In the Entirely White Interrogation Room, Billie tells Bree that they need her to testify. She adds that if Bree doesn't, Nathan will walk and they will both be on the streets, where it will start all over again. Bree says that Giddings wasn't a john, and that they had something real. Bree says that Giddings was her "whatever you call the married guy you're seeing." An asshole? Billie suggests, "A liar?" and Bree smiles ruefully. Bree realizes that this whole thing is bad for Giddings, and says she's happy about it. Bree asks if they got Van. Billie says they didn't. Bree says that she always knew Nathan was a lowlife, and that Giddings was spineless, but Van was worse than either of them.
Cut to the boys watching Bree's interrogation at the Candy Store. Bree says, "I want it as part of my deal. If you ever get him, tell me so I can bake a cake." Then Bree takes a deep drag of her cigarette and blows the smoke at the camera. Did she just say she would bake a cake? And then smoke dramatically? That was fucking awesome. If this show had a little more of that and a little less attempts at actual plots, it would be a lot better. Deaq laughs at how much Bree hates Van, and points out that it's ironic because Van actually helped her. Van is all sad about it, like, what is wrong with him that he needs everyone to like him? Who in the hell cares if Bree hates him? Deaq assures Van that he did a good job, and then asks if they can rewind and watch it again.
Billie's boss says that Bree is one of the most cooperative witnesses they've ever had. Billie says that having zero options will do that. The boss asks to talk to the boys about the cop incident. Billie says that's fine, except that he can't. The boss asks if they're facing off. Billie says she'll handle it herself. The boss guesses that if he keeps pushing, Billie will resign. Billie hopes it won't come to that. The boss says that while this incident was minor, they both know that something more serious is likely, and that he may not be able to protect Billie. Billie says she may not need him to do that. The boss walks out, but not before glaring at the boys as they walk in.
Billie tells the boys that they took out two cops and lied about it, so if they lie about anything again, they're fired. Didn't she just fire them last week and then immediately rehire them? I can see why they might not take her threats seriously. Like at the recent gathering of recappers, we were trying to figure out who's been fired the most. I think Sars won, but only because she fired herself, and then I pointed out that she couldn't, because Wing had already fired her, and then Sars fired me. But you get my point. Billie walks out as the boys look chagrined.
Oh, and just to cap off my final recap, the boys finally take their shirts off in order to box one another. Ooh, and they're sweaty too. Mmm, shirtless Facinelli and shirtless Bellamy. The show ends with them simultaneously punching each other out. Didn't that happen in the pilot? I guess I've come full circle. Thanks to all of the people who read the recaps -- both of you mean the world to me.